DuaneFAKE NEWS
With this scatterplot, Quoctrung Bui and Margo Sanger-Katz for The Upshot describe where experts and the public agree and disagree on gun control. Basically, whether it’s the best or not, the top right is what policymakers are looking for. Make sure to check out the breakdowns for various groups of people.
THOUSAND OAKS, CA—Oblivious to the unforgiving judgments being passed on him every single day, local 2-year-old Caleb Gibson is completely unaware that he is the sole basis for six couples’ decisions not to have kids, sources said Friday. According to reports, the toddler has thus far failed to recognize that his temper tantrums and messy eating habits have motivated several of his mother’s friends, as well as a couple who were eating near Gibson’s family at a restaurant, to go their entire lives without ever raising children of their own. Gibson also reportedly remains wholly ignorant of the fact that his behavior this past Christmas, which included shrieking for 10 straight minutes after not getting a cookie, was directly responsible for his aunt and uncle’s choice to never procreate, or that stories about staying up all night to take care of him are why one of ...
Duane<3 SMBC
Hey Bostonian geeks! Just 2.5 weeks left to submit your proposal for BAHFest MIT 2017!
SCHENECTADY, NY—Repeatedly seeking to ease his friends’ growing skepticism and disinterest, local man Joel Mayhew peppered his explanation of the rules of the board game Pandemic with reassurances that it will be fun, sources confirmed Friday. “I know you’ll really like it once we actually get going,” said Mayhew, flipping through the game’s instructions to clarify the rules while pausing frequently to promise that the game was much less complicated than it seemed. “Okay, so, basically, once you’ve completed the movement part of your turn, one option is to give or take a city card from another player. You’ll get the hang of it, I swear. Although—and don’t worry if you forget this part, because I can just remind you—you can only share a city card with a player who’s already in the same city as you. Seriously, you’re going ...
You know, at some point you run out of words to say. Donald Trump is currently convinced that the 2016 election was rigged against him—popular vote only, mind you. Donald Trump informed House and Senate leaders of this on Monday as the first mentioned topic of his meeting with them. Donald Trump was asked for evidence of this … and this happened.
Mr. Trump said he was told a story by “the very famous golfer, Bernhard Langer,” whom he described as a friend, according to three staff members who were in the room for the meeting. [...]
The three witnesses recall the story this way: Mr. Langer, a 59-year-old native of Bavaria, Germany — a winner of the Masters twice and of more than 100 events on major professional golf tours around the world — was standing in line at a polling place near his home in Florida on Election Day, the president explained, when an official informed Mr. Langer he would not be able to vote.
Because Mr. Gernhard Langer, 59-year-old native of Bavaria and supposedly a friend to Donald Trump (Langer’s daughter, for the record, denies that he is Trump’s “friend”) is not an American citizen. He is a German citizen. He could not vote because to allow a non-citizen to vote would be … voter fraud. Donald Trump did not bother to mention that part during any point in his story.
Ahead of and behind Mr. Langer were voters who did not look as if they should be allowed to vote, Mr. Trump said, according to the staff members — but they were nonetheless permitted to cast provisional ballots. The president threw out the names of Latin American countries that the voters might have come from.
Mr. Langer, whom he described as a supporter, left feeling frustrated, he said.
BECAUSE HE IS NOT AN AMERICAN CITIZEN AND COULD NOT VOTE. However, Donald Trump says, Mr. Langer was surrounded by people who “looked like” they might have been from “Latin American” countries who were allowed to vote. Even though they did not “look like” they should be allowed to.
The anecdote, the aides said, was greeted with silence, and Mr. Trump was prodded to change the subject by Reince Priebus [...]
BECAUSE DONALD TRUMP WAS MAD A NON-AMERICAN WAS NOT ALLOWED TO VOTE FOR HIM BUT ETHNIC PEOPLE WERE ALLOWED TO VOTE ANYWAY. OF COURSE the anecdote was met with silence and his fellow Republicans immediately changed the subject; Donald Trump’s anecdote is evidence of EXTRAORDINARY STUPIDITY and/or OVERT RACISM and/or A COMPLETE LACK OF AWARENESS THAT GERMAN CITIZENS CANNOT AUTOMATICALLY VOTE FOR HIM EVEN IF THEY ARE HIS GOLF BUDDIES.
Holy hell. There are no words. So this is the “anecdote” that led Donald Trump to proclaim his government will now be investigating millions and millions of imaginary cases of voter fraud—because his non-American golf buddy couldn’t vote, but people who “looked like” they should have been denied the right to vote were not.
What’s going to be the preferred explanation of this one? That the president is racist? Or that he’s staggeringly, almost incomprehensibly stupid?
DuaneThis is the best.
How far we've fallen in our expectations of greatness, eh? We no longer require or even expect integrity in our leaders.
For generations, U.S. presidents have gone to great lengths to avoid potential conflicts of interest. When I was elected, I followed suit by placing my small business in a blind trust to assure our citizens that I would always put the country’s interests ahead of my own. It’s a vital presidential tradition. That’s why I find it a bit curious that our new commander-in-chief has been allowed to ignore it.
For Christ’s sake, you people made me get rid of my peanut farm before you let me be president.
I grew up on that farm. When my father died, I moved back home and worked those fields with my own two hands to keep it afloat. It was a hard job, but it was so rewarding. It wasn’t just a business—it was the place I called home. Letting go of the family farm ...
Not going to argue. I find this theory highly plausible.DuaneExactly. Especially that bit about GVoice.
Tonight's comic is about punching.
Duane*sigh*
Duaneperfect
Many Americans are upset right now. To millions, the outcome this past November seemed like a step backward for the United States, and people are understandably worried about where our nation might now be headed. But my fellow citizens, now is not the time to give in to pessimism or defeatism, because the future—and I’m talking, like, 35,000 years in the future—is still bright.
Admittedly, this is a troubling time for our country, one where it seems like decades of progress on social and environmental issues could be at risk. But when you look ahead—and again, I mean way, way ahead, to at least the 370th century or so—there’s still plenty of cause for optimism.
Things may not get better today, or the next day, or while any of us, or our children, or any of our great-great-great-grandchildren’s great-great-great-grandchildren are still alive ...
NEW YORK—Describing the ornately decorated 3,000-square-foot space as “the height of luxury,” President-elect Donald Trump officially unveiled a new Double Platinum–Level White House press room Thursday, which he said will be made available to only a select few journalists. “Located mere steps from the West Wing, this magnificent, invitation-only press suite will cater to the every need of a hand-selected group of the most esteemed reporters as they cover my presidency,” said Trump, adding that individual Italian oak writing desks, ambient light from overhead chandeliers, and a bank of 12 plush seats providing unimpeded views of the lectern would help make journalists feel comfortable and relaxed while they report on the executive branch. “Not only will the members of this prestigious group enjoy complimentary sparkling wine and valet parking, but they will also receive private access to my administration that no one else in the press corps ...
WASHINGTON—Promising swift action as soon as he takes office, Vice President–elect Mike Pence pledged Thursday to strip federal funding for conservation efforts shortly after learning that elk do not mate for life, sources confirmed. “One of this administration’s top priorities will be eliminating wasteful spending on environmental programs whose goals include the reckless and misguided federal protection of elk, a species of deer that chooses not to engage in a lifelong monogamous bond and instead mates with countless partners throughout its lifetime,” said Pence, who expressed his disgust that hundreds of millions of dollars had been earmarked by the previous administration to provide federal protection to the nation’s wildlands where these animals could enjoy “wanton and promiscuous behavior” in which they copulate freely among their herds. “The United States government cannot continue to provide support to a species whose males, year after year, choose to breed ...
NEW YORK—Sitting down with top officials from the CIA, FBI, and Defense Intelligence Agency in a Trump Tower conference room, President-elect Donald Trump reportedly gave U.S. intelligence agencies their daily briefing Tuesday morning. “With the inauguration just weeks away, the president-elect held a meeting today to bring leaders of the intelligence community up to speed on critical information that will affect his diplomatic and defense decisions as the nation’s commander-in-chief,” said Reince Priebus, Trump’s chief of staff, noting that the president-elect was planning to give briefings to intelligence officials every morning during his presidency in order to keep them closely apprised of the greatest areas of concern and latest threats to the nation. “There’s a considerable amount of secret and highly sensitive intel about military operations and diplomatic affairs that only Mr. Trump has the expertise to provide, and it’s imperative that he convey ...
VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday. “The cherub came out perfect this year! Look how tender that cheek meat is,” the pontiff said as he drizzled a generous ladleful of the gravy he had made from the divine pan drippings over several freshly cut slices of white meat, remarking on how moist and flavorful the angel had turned out after being brined overnight in a blood-of-Christ marinade. “Who wants a wing? I got wings, thighs, you name it. And be sure to grab some host for sopping up the juices. Remember, whatever we don’t finish tonight will make for great sandwiches tomorrow.” Sources confirmed the cherub was the tastiest heavenly being the pope had prepared ...
.png)
“let me get my whip, kid”
“oh, dr. jones, there’s nothing to whip this time. you have to learn about pepe the frog”
For some weird reason, a lot of people who voted for racism don’t like being called racists! I guess it’s not PC to call them racists. Such thin skins. Maybe they need a safe space.
Hello friends, today marks the O N E Y E A R anniversary of the last time I posted a comic! Yikes!
So here you go – I’ve come back to give you one about everyone’s favourite impossibility, and why not, right? It’s not as if we haven’t been here before.
Welp! See you next year~!
As with every other issue Donald Trump campaigned on, the Department of Veterans Affairs is trying to figure out what Trump's 10-point plan to “make the V.A. great again” means for veterans' healthcare. Now Trump reportedly has an agency head in mind who just happens to have no military experience, writes Dave Phillips:
Mr. Trump has said he is considering Representative Jeff Miller, Republican of Florida, to run the agency. As the chairman of the House Committee on Veterans Affairs, Mr. Miller has hounded the agency for failing to enact meaningful changes to cut wait times and fire workers who hid delays. If selected, he will be the first secretary of veterans affairs who has never served in the military.
Perhaps even more telling is the fact that Trump's transition team is taking its cues from a "fringe" veteran's organization with links to the Koch brothers.
For years, Concerned Veterans for America, based in Washington, was on the fringe of the veteran world, generally shunned by traditional veterans organizations.
Today, President-Elect Donald Trump made two notable staff choices. The first, at a glance, appears fairly normal: Reince Preibus is taking the Chief of Staff position. The second choice is Steven Bannon, Breitbart Executive Chairman, who has been appointed Chief Strategist. Let’s talk about him first.
Trump & Bannon have a great deal in common, making Trump’s choice unsurprising:
We expect Donald Trump to surround himself with people like Bannon. The appointment of Bannon is yet another opportunity to tell those demanding we give Trump a chance that he doesn’t deserve one. If the above doesn’t convince you, here are just a few more of the headlines published on Breitbart, Bannon’s propaganda site:
These are actual headlines Bannon published on his "news" site, this is Trump's chief strategist & sr. counselor: pic.twitter.com/4xRyWabKDS
— Peter Bondi (@pbondi) November 13, 2016
Preibus, on the other hand, is the current RNC Chair, and seems like a somewhat more conciliatory choice. A nod to establishment conservativism perhaps, or a sign that Trump is going to take a more measured tone in office. Do not be fooled.
Like all of the Republicans who denounced Trump but have now called to congratulate him or wished him success in the presidency, Preibus aligning himself with Trump is not a sign of party healing. Quite the opposite, it is a sign that traditional Republicans have lost – they must now concede to Trump & the alt-right.
The good news, such as it is, is that the biggest difference between traditional Republicans and unabashed white nationalists like Bannon, is the openness with which they show their racist asses. We’ve fought them before and will continue to do so.
Don’t let the Bannons of the world immobilize you with fear. It’s ok to be sad and angry, but channel that emotion into the immense amount of work that needs to be done. Take that anger to the streets. If you’re white then use that sadness to educate other white people. Scream, work, write, and fight like your life depends on it – because it actually does.
Featured Image by Marc Nozell
NEW YORK—Declaring that they would work tirelessly to hold both figures to account, the nation’s media outlets pledged Thursday that they would not relent in providing evenhanded criticism of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton over the next four years. “We want to assure the American people that throughout the forthcoming presidential term, we will, with equal rigor, hold both Trump’s and Clinton’s feet to the fire on the issues that matter most,” said CNN president Jeff Zucker, who echoed official statements made by every other cable, print, and online news source across the country by affirming that it was the responsibility of the press to ensure both individuals were made to answer for their misdeeds during the next administration. “While we vow to carefully monitor the decisions and actions of the nation’s next president and expose his and his cabinet’s failings wherever they appear ...
