Duane

WASHINGTON—Following Donald Trump’s stunning victory in the general election early Wednesday morning, political experts confirmed that conditions in the United States are now finally as bad as the Republican nominee has long claimed. “Though we had previously been able to dismiss Trump’s proclamations as mere hyperbole and scare tactics, the United States now definitively meets the criteria of being the declining superpower that Trump has described for the past 17 months,” said Georgetown University political science professor Ronald Leidecker, adding that, as of tonight, the nation no longer commands the same respect among world powers it once did, and our country’s greatest days most definitely lie in its past, just as the Republican has asserted. “Our economy is, since about 10 p.m yesterday, on the verge of collapse, and when it comes to foreign relations, we have foolishly made ourselves vulnerable on multiple fronts, putting ...

WASHINGTON—Saying their rosy attitude about the state of the election was not helping anything given what is currently transpiring, sources confirmed Tuesday night that the nation’s optimists need to seriously shut the fuck up as soon as humanly fucking possible. “Sure, things may look bad right now, but even if the worst happens, it’s only four years we’re talking about here,” said Santa Fe, NM resident Pete Mirenge, one of hundreds of thousands of positive thinkers across the nation who would do everyone a huge goddamn favor by closing their fucking traps right this fucking second and keeping them sealed for the foreseeable future. “This is exactly why we have a system of checks and balances—to ensure that whatever happens in the election, the executive branch never gets too much power. Think about it: Has any president been able to carry out their platform to ...

BOSTON—Staring intently forward as she racked her brain for what the qualities could possibly be, local voter Wendy Patterson reportedly found herself unable to recall a single American value while filling out her ballot Tuesday. “Oh, shit, what do we as a nation stand for again? I swear I know this,” said Patterson, squinting and placing her pen to her chin before sighing and looking up at the ceiling as she tried in vain to remember the virtues that America embodied. “I think freedom is definitely one of them, and, what is it—togetherness? No, dignity? Is that one? God, I’m totally screwed.” At press time, Patterson had completely panicked and filled out the rest of her ballot randomly.

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present. “Oh, I’ve got a bag right here,” said Wolfson, seeming to create matter out of nothing as a festively patterned blue-and-white bag with fabric handles that was suited perfectly to the occasion of a boy’s baby shower suddenly materialized in her hands. “There you go, hon. If this one isn’t the right size or you don’t like the color, I could get you another one.” At press time, Wolfson was pointing out that there was also a tasteful greeting card, which had apparently been manifested through sheer thought alone, already waiting inside the bag.

Right now lots of Republicans feel like they don’t recognize their own party. Like a Minnesota congressman who’s confused when the residents in his district, people he’s known for years, start calling for a ban on Muslims moving to their town.

NEW YORK—Assuring the nation he would work quickly and tirelessly to carry out his agenda, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly issued a press statement Monday mapping out his first 100 days of not conceding the 2016 election. “I will get to work on day one questioning the final vote tally, and I promise that I will not rest during my first week until I’ve discredited Hillary Clinton’s victory with repeated accusations that she orchestrated a widespread conspiracy to steal the election,” read the message from Trump in part, which went on to note that the candidate had already assembled a team of top legal experts to help him transition to a full-time schedule of filing lawsuits against state and local election boards and major media outlets. “Within my first 10 days, I will introduce a comprehensive plan for my disgruntled supporters to march on the White ...

WASHINGTON—Following on the heels of other troubling revelations that have forced a growing number of Republican leaders to distance themselves from the embattled candidate, a damning video reportedly surfaced Sunday morning showing Donald Trump accepting the GOP nomination for president. “The video that emerged this morning is extremely damaging, as the audio clearly captures Mr. Trump speaking the phrase ‘I humbly and gratefully accept your nomination for the presidency of the United States’—there’s no walking this one back,” said an anonymous GOP official of the incriminating recording from July 2016, admitting that he did not believe anyone in his party could reasonably defend what occurred in the footage. “The video itself is pretty hard to watch, it’s so disturbing. While most of the party’s leadership has long tried to act as if this is all normal, having the physical evidence of him actually saying something ...

Many people are saying that Donald Trump wrote this campaign theme song last night!! Many very trustworthy people.

For resources on fighting sexual violence, visit https://www.rainn.org/ or http://uplifttogether.org

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach. “We used a combination of selective breeding and genetic modification methods to engineer a new type of peach that just gushes all over your face the second you bite into it,” said head researcher Margot Corman, adding that the peach variety is so slushy that the flesh of the ripened fruit instantly liquefies in your palm, causing the juice to run all the way down your arms and drip from your elbows. “The peach is so wet and mushy that the skin just slides off, and the whole fruit loses its form and turns into a puddle of glop if squeezed.” The scientists confirmed that the sweet, oozing fruit is best consumed over a ...

I'm a huge fan of Johan Vinet's pixel art. Which is why I have featured his work on Dueling Analogs multiple time in the past. My love for this image is no exception.



See more: Stranger Pixel Things

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate. “Just the way he carried himself up there on the debate stage, Trump definitely came off very male tonight,” said Amarillo, TX resident Brad Miller, adding that he was repeatedly struck by Trump’s body language, behavior, and vocal characteristics, which he said imbued the candidate with a distinctive male air that he found reassuring. “He conducted himself in an extremely male manner all night long regardless of the topic he was discussing, and that definitely resonated with me. I can easily see him being male for the next four years.” Viewers admitted that while Hillary Clinton seemed intelligent and capable throughout the debate, she failed to project the ...

WASHINGTON—Trading legends they had heard about the old chair as they gathered together a safe distance from the abandoned, dilapidated structure, a group of neighborhood teens reportedly stopped while passing through Capitol Hill this afternoon and spent several minutes throwing rocks at the heavily overgrown, long-vacant Supreme Court seat. “I heard that’s where old man Scalia used to sit until he keeled over dead!” said local resident Randy Wilcox, 14, after grabbing several stones off the ground and whipping them at the derelict chair, whose rotting wood had begun to warp and whose leather surfaces had cracked and grown discolored with time. “My older brother told me that no one can sit there ever again because it’s cursed. He said everyone who’s tried has disappeared without a trace. I dare one of you to go up there and touch it. Come on, don’t be a ...

It was the only logical course of action to follow.



See more: Pokémon GO Fly a Kite

Maybe Spark just needs to pee on the door handles, if he wants to deter any other trainers from entering a Team Instinct gym, ever again.



See more: Marking Territories

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Oh, you thought I had any emotional vulnerabilities? That's sweet. I guess you have those, but I don't.

New comic!
Today's News:

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts. “Unfortunately, late Monday evening, a major failure in our news feed program allowed a significant number of users to come into contact with concepts unfamiliar to them,” said CEO Mark Zuckerberg, appearing contrite as he emphasized to reporters that the issue had been resolved and that it was now safe to visit the social media site again without fear of encountering any opinions, notions, or perspectives not aligning with one’s existing worldview. “To those who were forced to read a headline they did not agree with when they visited Facebook yesterday, we are ...

New comic about Vices on Webtoons! http://www.webtoons.com/en/slice-of-life/lunarbaboon/ep-111-vices-/viewer?title_no=523&episode_no=112

Annular Solar Eclipse over New Mexico

RIO DE JANEIRO—Spotting the wide-eyed athletes waiting near the Maracanã Stadium exit, Simone Biles reportedly threw one of her gold medals to the adoring U.S. men’s gymnastics team Sunday, encouraging the Olympians to “keep it.” “Hey guys, catch,” said Biles, tossing the gold medal to American gymnast Sam Mikulak, who clutched the award as his teammates stared in stunned disbelief with their mouths agape. “Take good care of that for me, okay?” At press time, the five athletes nervously stammered, “Thanks, Ms. Biles!” as the gymnast walked away.

Hovertext:
The opposite of Dunning-Kruger isn't that great either.

New comic!
Today's News:

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games. “After securing a 15.23 in the ball-handling portion and a near-perfect 15.89 in the shooting section, Durant just needed to nail a few solid dunks to secure victory, and he did just that,” said NBC Olympic basketball analyst Doug Collins, adding that the gold medal hopes of eventual bronze medalist Jose Calderon of Spain were immediately extinguished after Durant laid down an impeccable two-handed reverse slam, gracefully landing on the court with complete balance and precision. “Durant had flawless form during his crossovers and spin moves, and then he capped it all off with a triple ...

NEW YORK—Sitting down with officials from the Office of the Director of National Intelligence to discuss a range of foreign and domestic threats facing the United States, presidential candidate Donald Trump reportedly spent the entirety of his first classified national security briefing Wednesday asking about Egyptian mummies. “What can you tell me about the dangers posed by mummies, and what are we doing to prevent invoking the ire of King Tut?” Trump reportedly asked in response to an update on growing militarism among insurgent factions in Egypt, before requesting a detailed assessment on mummies’ known strengths and weaknesses and an estimate on the total number of burial chambers in the region. “Have we disturbed any of their tombs? Are they seeking revenge? I want to know which pyramids we need to worry about. Just tell me how many years of curses we’re talking about here.” Upon the conclusion ...

Solna, Sweden (SPX) Aug 17, 2016
Officials with SSC, the Swedish Space Corporation, and Millennium Space Systems have announced they are teaming together on the first-ever ALTAIR launch to provide customization and rapid constellation production for Millennium's customers. The ALTAIR spacecraft, a high performance space system for LEO, GEO and deep space missions, will launch on a SpaceX Dragon as part of an International