Duane

WASHINGTON—Saying it represented the most efficient use of the panel’s time, members of the House Select Committee on Benghazi instructed Hillary Clinton on Thursday to limit her answers to “I failed the American people.” “We are going to ask that you confine your remarks today to ‘I failed the American people,’ or variations such as ‘I am to blame for this atrocity’ or ‘There is innocent blood on my hands,’” said chairman Trey Gowdy (R-SC), explaining that the committee and the nation as a whole were solely interested in testimony in which the former secretary of state succinctly accepted all blame for the 2012 attacks that left four Americans dead. “In order to ensure we get the information we need, it’s vital that you simply and repeatedly own up to your criminal lapse in judgment, though you are free to declare yourself responsible for other disastrous failures ...

ATLANTA—Struggling in vain to free himself from the sticky vessel, GOP presidential candidate Mike Huckabee was reportedly forced to attend a campaign fundraiser Tuesday with his head stuck firmly inside a crock of molasses. “I’d love to tell y’all ’bout how Obama’s done let the Arabs run buck-wild ’round the Middle East, but I seem to have got myself into a whole hog’s heap of trouble here,” said Huckabee, his remarks to donors muffled by the ceramic container that slowly trickled dark brown liquid over his neck and shoulders. “It’s past time we had a president who could tell the difference ’tween a tater and a tax plan, and if I weren’t stickier than a possum in pine tar, I’d be fixin’ to shake y’all’s hands for tossin’ a whole mess of money my way.” At press time, sources confirmed ...

Hovertext: A can also pass the Turing test by making people less human.

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Today's comic reveals David Shiffman's SECRET PLOT.

HARTFORD, CT—Allowing engaged policyholders to begin their lives together with a supply of prepaid doctor’s appointments and inpatient services, health insurance company Aetna debuted a wedding registry option on its website this week that lets friends and family members purchase medical procedures picked out by the couple. “My friends Patrick [Harwood] and Natalie [Garcia] signed up for the Aetna registry and chose exactly which prenatal screenings and prescription medication copays they wanted, so I knew I’d be getting them something they could really use,” said Minneapolis resident Jane Chazen, who noted that selecting from among the 80 items on the registry was a great way to show her affection for her friends and help start them out right, rather than leaving the young couple to pay on their own for all the medical expenses they’ll need in the future. “Pat’s groomsmen all went in together ...

SIMI VALLEY, CA—Having rummaged through a cluttered backstage closet for nearly half an hour in an effort to locate its elegantly curved lavender form, stage manager Paul Guzman is said to have finally pulled the GOP’s official ladies’ podium out of storage for Carly Fiorina ahead of Wednesday night’s Republican primary debate. “This thing was way back there jammed behind some sound equipment—I honestly didn’t think we’d be using it this year,” said Guzman as he brushed dust away from the floral-patterned carvings on the front of the lectern, which stands several inches shorter than the other podiums and features a lift-up vanity mirror, four delicate finials, and an upholstered velvet work surface for holding debate notes and personal accessories. “It’s always kind of a pain to drag this out, but at least we only need one of them. Plus, this is probably ...

Rowan County, KY clerk Kim Davis returned to work Monday after being jailed for refusing to issue marriage licenses to gay couples on religious grounds. Here’s what you need to know about the defiant public servant:

• Nickname: Kimmers
  
• Full Name: Not going to be signed for just anybody
  
• Christian Denomination: Apoplectic
  
• Occupation: Still weighing offers from every conservative news outlet and political group
  
• Work Style: Unconstitutional
  
• Primary Goal: Protect sanctity of traditional homophobia
  
• Commitment To Loving Her Neighbor: Court-ordered
  
• Stance On State Regulation Of Short-Term Vacation Rentals: Unstated
  
• Job Security: A lot better than most Americans
  
• Number Of Presidential Candidates Currently Vying For Her Endorsement: Don’t ask
  
• 2014 Campaign Promise To Rowan County Voters: Turn unassuming government office into embarrassing international spectacle in less than year’s time
  
• Sneaks In Some Secular Music Now And Then: Despite her better judgment
  
• Last Time You Will Have To Hear About ...

WASHINGTON—Saying they simply needed something to direct their anger toward, the nation’s frenzied Donald Trump supporters admitted Thursday that, if circumstances were different, they would be just as happy tearing the Republican frontrunner to pieces. “To be honest, I’m just violently mad, and Trump’s done a great job of pointing me in the direction of things to wreck—although, if things change and I end up mercilessly ripping into Trump instead of rabidly backing him, that would be just fine too,” said Nashua, NH resident Jeff Waldman, echoing the sentiments of hundreds of thousands of Trump supporters nationwide, each of whom confirmed that they ultimately just wanted to be part of something destructive, whether it was at a pro-Trump rally, an anti-Trump rally, or some other outlet for their bitterness and indignation. “You’ve got to hand it to the guy for helping me channel my ...

Moscow (AFP) Aug 28, 2015
Russia on Friday successfully launched a Proton rocket with a British satellite in the first such launch since an engine failure in May resulted in a Mexican satellite being destroyed. A Proton-M rocket carrying an Inmarsat-5 F3 communications satellite launched from Baikonur cosmodrome in Kazakhstan at 1144 GMT as scheduled, Russia's space agency said. "The launch went as planned," spok

The Minimum Wage Machine by Blank Fall-Conroy places minimum wage in the context of seconds and pennies. Turn the crank, and every 4.5 seconds a penny drops out of the plexiglass case, which is the equivalent of eight dollars an hour. Stop cranking and you get nothing. [via Boing Boing]

Tags: minimum wage, perspective

WASHINGTON—Citing “nearly unlimited” opportunities for the nation’s currency, an encouraging study released Tuesday by the Brookings Institution found that it has never been easier for U.S. dollars to enter the richest segment of American society.

The study, which followed the legal tender over a 40-year period, confirmed that trillions of dollars have been able to move from the lower and middle classes into the upper class, indicating a significant rise in the upward mobility of American money.

“In comparison to earlier generations, today’s U.S. dollars are ascending the economic ladder much faster, and in far greater numbers,” said economist and lead researcher Hannah Rodrigues, emphasizing that it is much easier for money to escape the ranks of the poor now than it was just 10 years ago. “We have never seen this much money moving into the highest income brackets, and the trend is only ...

Hovertext: There's a lot of networking to be done on the Dark Side.

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I really blew it on preparing a nice blog post officially announcing this, but I don’t want to leave anyone wondering what’s going on while the current story title is hanging out there all “THIS IS IT EVERYBODY.”

Yes, I’m afraid it’s the beginning of the end for this comic. (Though, secretly it’s been happening since All the King’s Dirtbikes finished up. WHICH IS IN A BOOK NOW, BTW) I’ll have more to say on it in the next couple of days, but a couple quick points for now that haven’t exactly been a secret:

- I only wanted to do Dr. McNinja for 10 years, and that’ll officially be in October. (Not counting the time I spent on it before going full blast webcomic)

- The story’s been building up toward this for quite some time, and honestly I think it’s the only place it CAN go now.

- This whole thing will probably actually take quite a while. I don’t know exactly how long, but it certainly won’t be over in October. I won’t be neatly hitting the 10 year mark, because there’s a lot of stuff I want to get in before turning out the lights.

More soon,

-Christopher

PS: Thanks for reading! I have always appreciated your enjoyment of this comic, whether you just started yesterday, or back in 2005.

Dr. McNinja: The End is a post from: The Adventures of Dr. McNinja

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Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids:

• Your children should know what to expect on their first flight, so sit down with them before the trip and have a frank discussion about 9/11, its aftermath, and the resulting implications for airport security.
  
• Make sure everyone in your party is accounted for by compiling a master list of all your children’s names.
  
• A game of “I Spy With My Little Eye” can keep kids engaged for hours and double as a colorblindness diagnostic.
  
• Don’t let temper tantrums take you by surprise. Make sure to run the entire vacation itinerary by your baby first to see if she’s on board with everything.
  
• Maintain a robust supply of activities ...

My friend Katie and I thought of a bunch of good titles for this one, here are the best we didn’t use: