Cowboy Who?

If you think Macbook keyboards are bad, you should check out their attitudes.

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We don't need to learn what it IS as long as we can remember 8 or 9 specific rules for various situations.

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Pretty good day! Got my iron axe fixed up. Finally got around to sorting the stuff I pillaged from the Romans so it’s not stacked up where the kids sleep. Looking forward to the next raid. Gonna try to snag some of that olive oil to put on our boiled barley.

Yeah, life’s not too bad for us Celts here in Celtland. The Romans want us to call it “Tarraconensis,” but me and the guys think it should be named “Espana” or “France” or “Land of Cool Guys.”

My son Garnaith was messing around with some of that woad plant that grows out behind the house — it made his skin all blue. I tried some of it on myself and it looks so good. Like, so good. Got me thinking that a completely blue body would be a great way to scare the crud out of the Romans.

Plus the body paint makes me like myself better. And lately, the only times I’ve felt good is when I’m killing guys with my axe, so this felt like a big step, personally.

Can’t stop thinking about the body paint. Imagining the looks on the guys’ faces when I show up to the raid with my blue body… “Wow, that looks great!” they’ll say. And the Romans’ll freak out and run back to wherever they came from, which I think is the moon? It’s why they’re called Ro-moons.

So excited to debut my body paint tomorrow! Had to leave the mead hall early tonight because I was so giddy. The guys kept saying, “Asger, what’s up with you? You’re being weird.” I lied and said, “Just thinking about raid stuff. You know, killing people with my axe and the like.” They understood.

Well, the raid went horribly.

Before we got going, I put some blue on my chest and arms and hid it underneath my chainmail. Then, before we ran over the hill to start pillagin’, I paused, took off my armor, smeared some more blue over my eyes, and said, “Okay, let’s do this.” There was a long pause, and then all the guys burst out laughing. It was mortifying! I tried to wipe the paint off, but it just spread around more. Everyone just laughed harder.

The whole way back to the village it was just constant jokes: “You look blue like the river” or “Asger, more like Blue-ger.” Even the prisoners were getting in on it.

It sucked.

I told my wife about the guys’ response to the blue paint and she got quiet and just said, “Yeahhhh” and then trailed off.

Went to get my bronze belt buckle fixed and Atrextus the bronze hammerer asked if I even needed it since I gave up clothes for body paint. “It doesn’t look good,” he yelled as I walked away. Maybe he’s right… he does have all the coolest bronze stuff.

Ugh only just noticed that I spilled blue paint on my woolen trousers and leather cap — my good leather cap — and now I have basically no good clothes left for the general assembly. So my choices are these blue-covered pants or my old trousers, which make my legs look like freaking long-boat oars.

Need to go harvest some barley for my kids. Gonna wear the stained pants, see how they look. Hope I don’t run into Atrextus.

Update: Guess who I ran into! Atrextus the bronze freak! Wodan curses me!

Feel like I might have to challenge Atrextus to an axe fight. He’s been calling me “Sky Face” and “Water Boy.” Feels super bad to hear.

Weather’s been great though, gotta love these hot months.

Town elders said I can’t kill Atrextus with my axe for making fun of my body paint. Bummer. Had to go sit by the old rocks and think for a bit. A couple of Ro-moons stumbled through and I killed one with my axe, which made me feel a little better.

I’m in a tailspin! Now I’m hearing that some of the other guys have been putting woad on their bodies and acting like they came up with it? And tonight at the mead hall they were saying painting yourself blue is cool now!? What’s going on?

I’m totally alone diary. My wife says I’m overreacting, the elders say I can’t kill someone with my axe for stealing my idea, and Atrextus is acting like he was “team blue” the whole time. This is worse than the time I got shot with an arrow!

Just found out the guys are going to the assembly meeting in blue paint. Gonna try to one-up them: I got some fishing net and wrapped it around my legs like fishing net stockings. It looks even better than the blue paint! And if Atrextus doesn’t like it, I’ll kill him with my axe. Worst that can happen is they banish me to Iceland.

Well diary, Iceland sucks.

Tonight's comic is confused - you quit twitter??

Researchers tried to help low-income workers sign up for free money with letters and text messages. They failed.

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Ahead of the Sonic the Hedgehog movie coming out next week, Puma has released the latest in a series of clothing, shoes and accessories that feature Sonic and his friends. If you weren't a fan of the movie's first, nightmare-inducing trailer, the good news is that the line pulls its designs exclusively from the Sonic games.

The collection includes a bit of everything. One highlight is the $35 t-shirt pictured above, which features Sonic and Knuckles. Another shirt will remind friends and strangers that they're too slow, and just as fresh are the pair of $120 RS-X3 sneakers you see below. They come in two different colorways: one in Sonic's iconic blue, gold and whites, while the other takes its inspiration deom Dr. Robotnik/Eggman. In a nice touch, the sneakers feature a scorecard toward the heel of the shoe.

You can buy items from the Puma x Sonic line starting today either online, at Puma stores or select retailers across the US. The kids' portion of the line will follow on February 15th.

Via: GamesRadar

Source: Puma

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Gooood... goood... LET THE HATE FLOW THROUGH YOU.

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Dear Brandon,

I remember our Saturday mornings at the farmers’ market, how you would fondle a juicy heirloom tomato, and glance at me suggestively. You told me that Bernie was the only candidate capable of taking decisive action against climate change, and the only candidate ready to take on factory farms and the proliferation of brussels sprouts, which we both agree taste like garbage. You also said our country wasn’t ready for a woman president. To this day, I regret not taking that tomato and throwing it right in your face.

Still Composting Despite It All,
Amber

Dear Tyler,

You were the one guy who ever went to yoga with me. I loved watching you plant your strong feet into the mat, channeling the tree the teacher told us to envision. I imagined that our love was rooted like that too — strong but flexible enough to withstand any weather. But then an unceasing gale blew: you were all “Bernie this, Bernie that. Bernie is going to give people free college. Bernie guarantees universal healthcare, Bernie had a bird land on his podium.” So what? Here’s another bird for you.

Namastop,
Amber

Dear Ryan,

With you, Bernie was always there but rarely discussed, much like the mountain of dirty tie-dyes in the corner of your bedroom. Despite my aversion to music that sounds like someone gave Raffi a Stratocaster, I went with you to a bunch of Phish shows, including that one at Coventry where we almost drowned in mud. I don’t know if it was the veggie burritos, the neglected porta-potties, or the drugs, but everyone on tour really liked Bernie, which was reason enough for you. I’d like to make up my own mind on this one, thanks.

Phish Elsewhere,
Amber

P.S. I listen to Pussy Riot now.

Dear Josh,

I used to love watching you paint; you were a quiet presence beside me as I sorted through piles of bills that I paid with no help from you. You were sure Bernie would help “struggling artists” like yourself. Even though you never personally learned about his policies, all of the women you dated during what you called our “open relationship” kept telling you that he was your ticket out of debt. You know what else would help you get out of debt? Becoming financially independent.

Not Yours,
Amber

Dear Kyle,

Playing ultimate frisbee with you in college was a literal high point in my life. Remember that I time I snuck some weed into Canada and the captain went apeshit on me? Thanks for smoking with me when no one else would. You were all about Bernie because you said he was the one candidate ready to legalize marijuana. You’d light a blunt and shout, “Let it Bern!” to the woods, your skin glowing as you laughed knowingly. Those were good times, but then you disappeared into a cloud of smoke when I brought up our racist criminal justice system.

Good Luck With Your New Dispensary,
Amber