Shared posts

18 Jan 12:14

“The Kids Are Alright”

by Mary Kelly

who cares for baby

Who cares for the baby?
Choices in Child Care
Glickman and Springer
1978

This was still in a collection as of this writing. Of course it is outdated and weed worthy for a public library. Since it is more academic than practical, it might have a place in some archive or academic library. This topic really chaps me personally, since I struggled with working and parenting decades ago. It is even more awful that this situation hasn’t improved.  Sadder still, it hasn’t really changed since this book was published. Since the authors include research on the USSR and China in this book, I am sure that any success would be discounted since we are talking about Communists.

Every time I get one of these books for this site, I end up on a rant of quality child care and availability. From what I can tell, child care is still only available if you have serious money, or supportive family that will pick up the slack. Too bad if you don’t have either. Someone needs to write a book about that.

Mary

authors bio

child care

The post “The Kids Are Alright” appeared first on Awful Library Books.

17 Jan 22:27

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal - Self

by tech@thehiveworks.com


Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
If you want to find out if someone truly thinks We Are All One, ask them about a politician they dislike.


Today's News:
17 Jan 22:26

A Question

by Reza
17 Jan 19:03

SPOOKY TOOTH BEST OF 2019

by noreply@blogger.com (JerryMaguire)
17 Jan 19:03

by dorrismccomics
17 Jan 19:02

by dorrismccomics
17 Jan 19:02

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal - Dog Years

by tech@thehiveworks.com


Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
Thank you once again to the patreon typo squad.


Today's News:
17 Jan 18:59

Is Me Cavechild Getting Too Much Pictogram-Time?

by Mike Lacher

Me Thurk. Me cavedad of three-year-old cavechild Aiden. Aiden good kid. Aiden smart. Aiden kind. But lately, Aiden just want one thing: to stare at pictogram of bull on cave wall. Sometime he stare at bull pictogram all day! He love bull pictogram. But I worry. Is Aiden watch too much bull pictogram? Is bull pictogram destroy him brain development?

Is part our fault. Me and cavewife busy. And bull pictogram easy! Skinning sabre-tooth is two-person job. We no want Aiden wander off. So we sit him in front of bull pictogram. Work great. But then we tell Aiden it time to eat sabre-tooth. He no want to! He cry and scream! “Just a little more bull pictogram!” “Me love bull pictogram!” “Me hate cavedad and cavemom!” Feel so bad.

Last week we eat cavedinner with caveneighbors Ogg and Jenny. They have cavedaughter Madison. Madison same age as Aiden. Madison sit and eat nice. When Madison fuss, Ogg just give her little rock. Madison love little rock! Then Aiden start to fuss. We try give him rock. He no want rock. He start crying. Me and cavewife do not want to do it. But Aiden about to ruin dinner! So pretty soon me is pulling out bark strip with bull pictogram on it. Aiden hold bark strip and be quiet. But Ogg and Jenny look at us. They say it be fine. They say Madison watch pictogram as special thing at grandma cave. But it obvious. They think we bad caveparents! Maybe true! But what we do?

Sometimes me think me should just tear bull pictogram down. Can bull pictogram really be worth it? Sure, pictogram help advance caveculture and foster writing system. But what good that stuff if whole cave society is just bunch of brainwashed bull-pictogram-watchers? You know what Aiden say yesterday? When he grow up, he want be bull-pictogram-painter! That not real job! Real job hunter! Or at least gatherer! How many bull-pictogram-painters world need?

Me know me sound like me cavedad complaining about wheel and shouting “fire bad” during cavecouncil. But bull pictogram different! When me grow up, there no “figurative art.” You want see bull? Go out, look at bull! But now, why even leave cave to see real bull when pictogram bull right there in high-definition ochre paste smeared on by best pictogram-painters in tribe?

As if being parent today not hard enough with emergence of bone tools and animal worship. What next? Horse pictogram? Agriculture? Bigger bull pictogram? Sometimes me wish we just go back across landbridge to simpler time. Modern parenting! Too much!

17 Jan 18:57

Literary Airbnb Reviews

by Ross Bullen

July 1897
“Cute Country Castle”
Borgo Pass, Transylvania

I honestly don’t even know where to begin with this place. The listing said “easily accessible by public transit,” but I only got there after being stuffed into a haunted stagecoach by a terrified mob of Carpathian peasants. My host, Count Dracula, met me when I arrived, and honestly, it was a little uncomfortable. He’s a strange guy (I cut myself shaving and he FREAKED OUT). The weirdest part, though, is that even though I only booked the place for three nights, the Count didn’t let me check out for A MONTH. WTF!!! Eventually, I just left without saying anything (super awkward but whatever). Two stars instead of one because the Count didn’t charge me for the extra days and provided free breakfast, but tbh if you’re looking for a place in Transylvania, you should probably just stay at the Holiday Inn in Bistritz instead.

— Jonathan Harker, London

- - -

May 1908
“A Room With A View”
Pension Bertolini, Florence

FALSE ADVERTISING!!! I mean, it’s right there in the name of the listing: “a room with a view.” So that’s what you would expect, RIGHT??? Except instead of a nice view of the River Arno (which is totally what you see in the photos), my cousin Lucy and I were given a room with a view of some filthy alley. Such a ripoff!!! Not to mention that some of the other guests were really annoying. If you meet a weird guy named George – avoid him! He kissed my cousin!!! Luckily, we’re back in England now where I can confidently assume that Lucy and I will never see him again.

— Charlotte Bartlett, Tunbridge Wells

- - -

December 1845
“The Spouter-Inn”
New Bedford, Massachusetts

Loved this place! Peter Coffin is a great host! Not gonna lie, we didn’t get off to the best start – no solo rooms so I had to share with a stranger. Normally that would be a total deal-breaker, but I wound up staying with the NICEST GUY! His name is Queequeg, he’s got amazing tattoos, and a head shaped just like George Washington’s (lol!). Anyway, long story short, Q and I are basically married now, and we’re going on a loooooooong whaling voyage together – all thanks to Peter Coffin and his Inn! Five stars! (btw Peter knows lots of great local spots – check out Hosea Hussey’s chowder house, it’s the best!)

— Ishmael, Manhattan

- - -

October 1840
“Snug, Safe Apartment”
Rue Morgue, Paris

Listing was pretty accurate except for one small thing: THE GIANT GODDAMN ORANGUTAN WHO COMES IN THE WINDOW AT NIGHT AND MURDERS ALL THE GUESTS WHO CAN’T HIDE UNDER THE BED IN TIME. Great location, though.

Madame L’Espanaye, Paris

- - -

February 1808
“Glamorous Governess Quarters”
Thornfield Hall, Yorkshire

CREEP ALERT! The host, Mr. Rochester, wasn’t there when I checked in, but when he did show up, he acted CREEPY AF. Staring at me, trying to make me jealous (stalker much?). I started to change my mind about him but then he was like, “Oh, by the way, I’m married and I keep my wife LOCKED IN THE ATTIC.” And I was like, “Uh, okay, I think I’m going to check-out early” and I had to go stay at my cousin’s house instead. Srsly do not stay here, Mr. R is the WORST!!!

— Jane Eyre, Marsh End

- - -

September 1845
“Rustic Retreat”
Walden Pond, Massachusetts

Nice place. A cabin in the woods, not too far from town. The host, Henry, is a nice guy, but also kind of extra. He didn’t have any chairs so he told me to sit on a pumpkin. I tried to get him to leave but he stayed the whole time and he DID. NOT. STOP. TALKING. How much he paid for nails, why he never buys new clothes, how to eat a raw woodchuck. He just kept going. He was halfway through explaining how the local pond is mixed with water from the Ganges (dude…), when I decided to just gtfo. Henry offered me a woodchuck tartare for the road but I said nah (lol). I’d stay again but only if Henry was out of town for a few days checking on his woodchuck traps or writing a letter to a pinecone or whatever.

— Anonymous Woodchopper, Canada

- - -

March 1977
“Winter Wonderland”
Overlook Hotel, Colorado

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy

Bathroom door is broken; otherwise place is okay.

— Jack Torrance, Vermont

17 Jan 12:29

I Don't Think About You At All

this is a diesel sweeties comic strip

Read this comic before asking me if I'm mad at you.

17 Jan 12:28

Bad Map Projection: South America

The projection does a good job preserving both distance and azimuth, at the cost of really exaggerating how many South Americas there are.
16 Jan 20:10

Fashionable Quilted Vests

by Mary Kelly

classic quilted vests

Classic Quilted Vests
Fons and Porter
1982

I am a fan of quilting, and although I lack real skills, I can appreciate the skills and would love to make a quilt with any of these patterns. However, I just don’t want to WEAR a blanket as a fashion statement. In terms a fashion, these quilts are just a step above the sweatshirt makeovers we have featured all the time on this site. In fact, how about the combo of sweatshirts AND and quilting? 

I am impressed with the skills. I just wish they had used their quilting skills for good rather than evil.

Mary

back cover

decorations for vests

country style vests

patterns

The post Fashionable Quilted Vests appeared first on Awful Library Books.

16 Jan 20:10

my abusive boss was fired after I complained about her — what do I say to coworkers?

by Ask a Manager

A reader writes:

Earlier this year, I took a dream job that quickly proved to be a nightmare. My manager, Hedra, has a track record of abusing and driving out her reports. From the start, she didn’t even bother to hide her dislike for me. She set shifting, arbitrary goals and put up barriers to information and relationships, made comments about my race and weight, and constantly did intentionally cruel, belittling things like assign me menial physical tasks and talk about me in the third person in my presence. I took the usual measures (including going up the chain and consulting a lawyer), but nothing worked. My physical and mental health suffered quite a bit and I finally hit a wall. So even though I hated having to do it, I fought. I filed a formal complaint, using evidence stockpiled over months.

A few days after HR found in my favor, there was a shock announcement that Hedra was leaving the company (ostensibly due to burn-out). I am pretty certain the resignation is a disguised termination in the wake of the HR investigation. I know that this conclusion is shared by at least a few other people in my department who were close to the situation. It’s possible that some people think I “got Hedra fired.” I know from reading Ask a Manager that this isn’t the way terminations work but … human nature.

What do I say when I’m asked about Hedra’s departure? I can’t bring myself to agree when I’m condoled by someone with no idea what Hedra is like inside her team. Worse, some people have speculated that the department manager‘s style causes burn-out in “a positive person like Hedy.” (Hedra is very manipulative and has a lot of people fooled.) Obviously I cant shout, “Positive? She ran you all down behind your backs!” And what do I tell coworkers who were helping me professionally and emotionally during the ordeal?

On one hand, I think this case speaks pretty well for our HR and I’d like to obliquely acknowledge that a formal process actually works. But I assume the fact of a harassment investigation stays confidential even after the harasser leaves.

There’s a lot out there about how to respond to being harassed at work, but nothing about dealing honestly, professionally, and gracefully with a “positive” outcome. I take no pleasure in Hedra losing her job — maybe I’m just numb — so I’d really appreciate it if we could skip the high-fives in the comments section.

Handle it the way would if you knew for sure that Hedra had resigned on her own.

It’s actually possible that’s what happened. Yes, the timing is suspect, but who knows, she might have had other stuff going on, or she might have seen the writing on the wall and decided to leave while it was still her choice, or all sorts of other possibilities.

Or, yes, she might have been fired as a result of HR’s investigation. That’s especially likely if they’d had previous complaints about her before or if they’d already been looking at her track record as a manager.

You are right, of course, that you didn’t “get Hedra fired.” If she was fired because of the complaint you made, it’s her own terrible behavior that got her fired. That’s not on you.

In any case … when people ask you about her departure, take the high road because the high road has far less drama on it. And if people ask you directly what happened, it’s fine to say you don’t know (because you don’t actually know).

Some examples:

* Coworker: “Wow, I can’t believe Hedra resigned.”
* You: “Yeah, that’s a big change. Well, we’ll keep things moving forward.”

* Coworker: “Do you know why Hedra resigned so suddenly?”
* You: “I don’t know the details either. But I wish her the best.” (You might not really wish her the best, but if you can stomach it, it’s a useful phrase to keep things polite and professional.)

* Coworker: “That sucks about Hedra leaving! She was so great.”
* You: “It’s always tough when people move on. But I’m sure it was the right decision for her.”

* Coworker: “Wow, it really seems like Jane’s style causes burn-out, especially in a positive person like Hedra.”
* You: “Hmmm, it didn’t seem like that to me. I’ve always enjoyed working with Jane.” Or feel free to be stronger if it would be genuine: “Jane is awesome! I don’t think that was really an issue.”

As for coworkers who were helping you during your Hedra ordeal (and who might guess at what happened), just keep in mind that you really don’t know what happened. You can say something like, “I don’t know any of the details, but I’m looking forward to working with whoever comes in next.” Or if you feel you need to acknowledge the investigation in some way: “You know, they haven’t told me any details so I don’t know if this was connected or not. I’m just relieved to have the situation at an end. Thank you so much for your support.”

If anyone asks you directly if you somehow got Hedra in trouble … well, that depends on how much you want to acknowledge. If you don’t want to get into it, it’s fine to say, “I haven’t been told anything about what caused Hedra to leave, and I wish her the best.” But it’s also okay to say, “Hedra was difficult to work for and I tried for a long time to resolve those problems. When HR found out what was going on, they took it really seriously, and I appreciate that. But I don’t know if that’s connected to why she left or not.”

As for wanting to acknowledge that your HR department handled this well beyond that … the best thing to do is to let this experience inform what you say when something relevant comes up organically. For example, if a coworker says that they’re unsure whether to take something to HR, you could mention that in your experience they do take problems seriously, have integrity, and will act when something needs to be addressed.

my abusive boss was fired after I complained about her — what do I say to coworkers? was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

16 Jan 15:21

For Sale: Adult Brain, Barely Used

by Madison Sweezy

I am looking to sell my brain. It works okay, but I am looking for a change. Message if interested.

FEATURES

  • Built-in stereo system. The only functioning track is the Stanley Steemer commercial jingle on repeat.
  • Slightly outdated frontal lobe. Renovations stopped around 2009. As a consequence, there is an ungodly amount of Dark Knight posters and Livestrong bracelets piled on the floor. There is an air hockey table where there should be fiscal responsibility, and instead of a personality, there is a party-sized bag of Hint of Lime Tostitos. I’ve named this lobe “Toby,” and I imagine it spends the better parts of its days watching Avatar: The Last Airbender, listening to Green Day, and telling everyone who coughs that they have swine flu.
  • Synaptic cleft. If you look closely inside it, you can see the little neurotransmitters neuro-transmitting. They are very cute and not at all damaged. Sometimes I will read just one single sentence from a Subaru ad and my serotonin receptors will refuse to properly function for several weeks. Eventually, cobwebs will form on them, and I will question my existence because of that sentence from a Subaru ad.
  • An overactive amygdala. I have tried to suppress leaks with duct tape, but it is still very sensitive. The amygdala smells like mothballs and a lingering fart, like your grandma left the room 30 minutes ago but she definitely had a burrito for lunch. The amygdala wears a fedora, and talks a lot about Ernest Hemingway and the death of romance. The amygdala is the kid in your 5th-grade class who reminded your teacher that there was homework to turn in. The amygdala is the map on your phone directing you how to get out of your neighborhood while you’re trying to listen to your favorite part of the song on the radio. The amygdala is Elizabeth Warren’s Twitter account. We understand that these things are necessary but, please, shut the fuck up. However, the amygdala is VERY IMPORTANT! It reminds me not to step in front of moving cars and that snakes are bad. (It is just incredibly stupid, and gets confused easily, and has begun to give me adrenaline shots as though I am being chased by a jaguar in a sub-Saharan jungle, when in fact I am performing other such life-threatening acts as answering a phone call from a friend, ordering at the Taco Bell drive-through, and, yes, thinking about this very sentence. Totally fixable!)
  • Temporal lobe. Houses my processing for speech, sense of smell, and memory. Located in a warm and cozy family den, with exposed brick, a fireplace, and one of those old TVs from the ’70s with an antenna and wooden stand. The TV comes fully stocked with a VHS video collection of such classic home films as The Choreography to Every High School Musical Dance and That Stupid Thing I Said to My Bus Driver 11 Years Ago and, of course, The Time I Saw My Dad Just, Like, Fully Naked In My Parent’s Bathroom and That’s Just Going to Be Playing in My Mind For Maybe the Rest of My Life.
  • Fear landscape. Smells like burnt quesadillas, and looks inexplicably like the living room from Full House. But instead of the Tanners, it’s the Easter Bunny with blood dripping down his fangs, and a shadowy, cloaked figure drinking tea, and, well, honestly, John Stamos is there as well. He is scary; I don’t care if you disagree. The words “have mercy” haunt my nightmares. I think Uncle Joey is there too, except he is a puppet, and a chipmunk is his puppetmaster. And the Olson twins are there. Actually, yes, okay, the entire cast of Full House is in my fear landscape. Including Steve.

TENANTS
(included with purchase)

  • Mr. Cerebellum. A middle-aged and beat-up football coach, who sits on his stoop in 1947 Brooklyn and hasn’t put the bottle down since the Great War. He wears a navy blue tracksuit and aftershave, and he’s probably Italian-Catholic or something. He means well, he honestly does, but he is so very drunk all the time, and as I result, I often trip on air, and I don’t drive so well, and sometimes my muscles hurt for no reason. And I ask him to sober-up, please, so that I do not trip and stumble like a female protagonist in a vampire romance novel, but he ignores me, and curses the Germans, and drunkenly screams that Henry Ford did nothing but ruin this country.
  • Mr. Super Ego. This man is my 8th-grade gym teacher, Mr. Mignano, who is short and bald and who was rejected from the Navy SEALS, presumably for being too short and too bald. In my brain, he always wears a whistle, which always makes me wonder. Did he wear this whistle at home, and what did his wife think of it? And whether it got in the way of their lovemaking, or their marriage, and whether the whistle in fact aided their lovemaking and their marriage. And if he had a young child, did this child think that the whistle was somehow a part of their father, like some young children believe glasses are just an extension of their parents’ faces? And was this whistle just a symbol, a memento of his rejection from the Navy SEALS, or of everything he has ever failed, and he keeps it to remind him of these failures. And he keeps it to fill a void in his life that is ultimately the void in every human life, an unfillable, possibly inherent void. And then Mr. Mignano slaps me, and screams, “I wear a whistle because I’m a gym teacher. And why are you spending so much time thinking about me, who you haven’t seen for nearly a decade?” And I say, “Yes, sir, you’re right, Mr. Mignano. This is why I’m selling my brain, sir.”

PRICE

Minimum $3. Barters negotiable for 1 (one) Razor Scooter. Bored billionaires looking to expand their collections of eccentric decorations for their remote mansions need not respond.

16 Jan 15:11

When Employees Are Open With Each Other, But Not Management

by Amy C. Edmondson

Leaders can’t solve crucial issues if they don’t know about them.

16 Jan 11:57

Am I

by Reza
16 Jan 11:57

DIMES AND CRITTERS!

by noreply@blogger.com (JerryMaguire)
16 Jan 11:56

by dorrismccomics
15 Jan 21:09

my employee accidentally posted porn to the company group chat and now wants to resign in shame

by Ask a Manager

A reader writes:

Please help me, I am panicking here. My employee just posted a very, very explicit porn video to our company’s main announcements chat room, which has over 200 members. The video featured several very … unusually niche fetishes. (I’m not trying to kink shame at all, but I just mean to say that the video was extremely shocking and just … memorable.)

There were a few awkward comments and shocked emoji reactions before she quickly deleted the comment. I also saw it, but before I could do anything she called me, completely distraught. She basically said that she was deeply sorry and deeply ashamed, and that she wanted to resign because she couldn’t face us again. She wanted to mail in her laptop (!). I could barely get in a word. In any case, since she is already on PTO, I told her that she didn’t need to make any decisions yet, and that this wasn’t a big deal and would blow over. So she’s still on vacation right now.

I’m not really sure how this happened, but regardless I don’t care because it’s obviously an accident. She obviously wasn’t trying to sexually harass anyone, she’s clearly apologetic, and I’m absolutely sure she’s learned from it and won’t make that mistake again. I want to reassure her that she absolutely does not need to resign — that, although it may be embarrassing for a short while, this too will pass and everyone will get over it.

Most importantly, I don’t want her to resign because she’s a genuinely amazing person!! She’s super smart and creative, exceptionally hard-working and reliable, helpful and kind, and just overall a great person to work with. I would even describe her as one of the best hires I’ve made, someone with a lot of potential! I can’t say enough good things about her. I don’t want her to think this is the end of the world, because it isn’t, or that this incident would make me think any less of her. But I’m at a loss for how to get through to her!

And to be honest, I feel like I really understand where she’s coming from. If I were her, I know how utterly mortified I would feel. I think I literally had this nightmare once. That chat room is the main bulletin board for our company and has 200+ members, and most people at the company probably have “all notifications on” for that particular room. It is likely that many people saw it. So I can understand the impulse to just up and disappear. However, while that is obviously an overreaction to the situation, she seemed dead-set on actually going through with it.

I have no idea how to deal with this situation, and I don’t have too much time before her PTO is over. In the meantime, I’m trying to figure out:

• What do I tell her when she comes back? Should I email/call her now before she gets back? How should I help her get through the embarrassment/deal with the aftermath?

• What do I do in the meantime while she’s not here? Do I need to talk to my other employees/coworkers? Should I try to play this all off as a virus or something?

• Do I need to discuss this with HR? As I said, it’s obvious to me that this isn’t sexual harassment. What do I even say to them, if anything?

• About the 200+ other people at this company … do I need to do anything regarding that/speak up for her somehow? A lot of those people haven’t met her, so they don’t have the same positive impression of her that I/her teammates do. Should I try to say something in advance…? My instinct is to just leave it be and trust that people will forget.

• What should I do if she really quits?

• Anything else I’m not thinking of??

I just really care about her, I think she’s a fantastic employee and person, and I really hate to see her in this position. I feel awful that SHE feels this awful about it. I want to do right by her, whatever that means. Any advice at all would be deeply, deeply appreciated.

Oh no!

I’m sure she feels she has just announced her very specific and very dirty sexual fetishes to your entire company, and not only that but illustrated them in the most graphic way possible, without anyone’s consent.

She’s probably not thinking that it’s plausible this could somehow be spam-related, or that her teenage nephew did it as a terribly misguided prank, or that it was saved in the copy/paste function on her computer from the last user.

In other words, she really didn’t just come out to your whole company as a fan of Specific Kink X.

The more you can do to push those other possibilities into her brain, the better.

Do you have the ability to text her while she’s away? If so, I’d text her something like this: “Truly, Jane, do not worry! There are tons of things that could have caused this — spam, someone else using the copy/paste function on your computer before you did, a prank from a young relative — and no one here would ever possibly think you’d intended to post that in a group chat. Everyone assumes there’s an innocent explanation, and it would make it a far bigger deal if you did quit over it! I don’t want you to spend another minute of your vacation worrying about this. You’re an excellent employee, hugely valued, and that’s the end of it.” (If you can’t text her, maybe call her in a day, ask her to let you speak before she interjects, then say all this. Leave it on her voicemail if needed.)

It might be worth giving HR a heads-up about what happened. You don’t want them to hear about it themselves and have to track you down to ask about it. Frame it as “it was obviously a mistake, she deleted it immediately, she’s mortified, and I’m trying to talk her down from how upset she is over it.” (It could be wise to do this before you talk to the employee herself, to make sure you don’t hear anything that would change your messaging.)

If anyone else asks you about it, shut it down with, “Technology can get the best of any of us. She’s always been scrupulously professional and I have no reason to think there’s any more to it than that. She’s mortified and I don’t want to make it worse by harping on it. It happened, it got fixed.”

If she really follows through on quitting, you can tell her how devastated you’d be to lose her over something that no one is that worked up about, but ultimately it is her call. The more you can emphasize that no one is having the reaction she’s picturing them having, the better.

my employee accidentally posted porn to the company group chat and now wants to resign in shame was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

15 Jan 13:54

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal - Mind

by tech@thehiveworks.com


Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
Happily, the man and the robot end up sleeping together later.


Today's News:
15 Jan 13:53

Geometry Loves Company

this is a diesel sweeties comic strip

Oh no!! Tonight's comic (and the world) is totally against you!!

15 Jan 13:48

The Loudest Smurf I Ever Smurfed: An Oral History of the Smurfs’ Final Confrontation With Gargamel

by John Moe and Ben Acker

(Trigger warning for gun violence)

- - -

BRAINY SMURF: Dopey found it. You know Dopey. You’d send him to fetch a book or a mirror or a whisk, and he’d come back with just absolutely anything but. We’d gamed it out long ago, or I had, rather. Done the math and landed on the notion that inessential errands would keep him from being underfoot, which, good, but never send him out for something necessary.

HEFTY SMURF: It was funny. Send Dopey out and see what he comes back with. We were laughing with him, you know? We’re not bad Smurfs. We love Dopey.

SCAREDY SMURF: All kinds of stuff out there. We’re not scavengers. But we find things sometimes from Gargamel’s world. Accidentally. But you know what’s out there in Gargamel’s world? Gargamel. So yeah. No way I’m going out there. You know what they should call me? “Sensible Smurf.”

BRAINY SMURF: I thought I was so smart. You know what I sent him out for? Oh, how clever of me, how very very brainy indeed. I sent him out for a breath of fresh air. For me? For him? For both of us, if I’m being honest. I never thought he’d come back with — with… that. I! I never thought. All I do is think! And I never ever thought… (breaks down crying)

NOSEY SMURF: I just wanted to know what the smurf it was. We all did. We’d never seen anything like it.

HANDY SMURF: It looked like a tool to me. It was clearly something from the age of giants. You can tell that sort of thing by the size. It was about four apples long, two apples high. We didn’t know it then, but it had been smurfed in the smurfs of hell.

SMURFETTE: It was Vanity’s idea. He’d be the first to tell you, I’m sure.

(Vanity Smurf declined to be interviewed)

HANDY SMURF: It was, yeah, it was Vanity’s idea to bring it to Gargamel. It felt like an important human thing to have gotten lost. Vanity thought maybe this offering could create peace with Gargamel. Vanity didn’t like living in fear. I mean, none of us did, but Vanity couldn’t take it anymore.

BRAINY SMURF: Yes, I have problems with Vanity in general, and the idea of appeasement in smurfcific, but my ideas weren’t working. There was a general consensus that we should try something new.

JOKEY SMURF: It was my idea that Clumsy should hold the handle. I thought something hilarious was bound to happen. That… that wasn’t the case.

GROUCHY SMURF: Hefty thought he could carry it alone. He couldn’t, so some of us went up there. Me, Brainy, Handy, Smurfette. Maybe 10 of us altogether.

SMURFETTE: We push his door open and Gargamel was like, “The Smurfs! I’ve got you now!” and then he saw what we were carrying and went white. Ashen. I’d never seen him scared before. And that scared me. “What is this thing?” I thought. And Gargamel went to answer my question. He whispered, “Jesus Christ. The Smurfs have a—” He never finished the sentence. I never found out what it is. I still don’t know. And if I’m honest, I’m glad I don’t. I never want to.

CLUMSY SMURF: Now I was holding on to a part of the thing, and it just went off. Nine times out of ten, that’s my fault. That’s on me. But I don’t know if this one was my fault. I can usually feel it all slip away from me. And nothing slipped. Not til after it went off. How did it go off. You’d have to ask Papa.

PAPA SMURF: Don’t ask me. Clumsy was holding it. Just like everyone else, I didn’t even know what it was.

SMURFETTE: It went off. It was the loudest smurf I ever smurfed.

HEFTY SMURF: And Gargamel spun. Like. Spun around. At first, I thought he was as surprised by the smurf of it as we were, but… no.

HANDY SMURF: And the red just keeps smurfing out of him, just smurf after smurf of it. You could have filled a smurfing pool with it all. But nobody was in the mood for a swim.

HEFTY SMURF: Azrael ran out of there fast. Can you blame him? That’s how we felt. That’s how we all felt.

BRAINY SMURF: Not all of us. Not Papa. Papa went up to the old man.

HEFTY SMURF: To see if he could help him, I think.

CLUMSY SMURF: I don’t know if that’s why.

PAPA SMURF: Of course it was to see if I could help.

CLUMSY SMURF: It looked like he whispered something, Papa Smurf. It looked like Papa whispered something in Gargamel’s ear.

HEFTY SMURF: They’ve known each other a long time. I wonder what Papa said.

PAPA SMURF: I’m not answering any more of your smurfing questions.

CLUMSY SMURF: I thought Hefty was strong, but seeing this thing smurf its smurfly business? Powerful.

HEFTY SMURF: That isn’t strength.

SMURFETTE: Papa has changed. We all have. Vanity threw out his mirror.

JOKEY SMURF: Nothing is funny.

BRAINY SMURF: I thought I was so smart. But the only thing I know for sure anymore is that I don’t know anything. Just smurfing nothing.

SCAREDY SMURF: I don’t know. I kind of like that we still have the thing. It makes me feel like a big Smurf.

14 Jan 23:45

Cosmo Girl DIY

by Holly

CosmoGirl Make It YourselfCosmoGirl! Make it Yourself: 50 Fun and Funky Projects
2007

Submitter: Found in a public library, this book is catalogued as a children’s item. This gem was found by a customer who was looking for craft projects her 11 year old could do.

While most of it was pretty innocent (make your own chain belt, DIY hair clips!) this idea [“Boys-of-the-week panties,” image below] just seemed so wrong. The first step really sets you up for an uncomfortable crafting experience – “pick seven guys names.” But there are so many questions that follow. Who decided this was a good project for a kid’s book? Why did they have to pick black panties? And why do you need a silk scarf? Given the book is from 2007 we decided it was time to weed this copy and put an end to any panties crafting.

Holly: CosmoGirl was the first clue. Any content from the Cosmopolitan family of magazines should be considered closely before adding to a children’s collection! The whole idea is really off-putting to me, for any girl or woman of any age. If they had used words like “talented” and “strong” and “smart” and put them on socks or scarves or pretty much any other article of clothing besides underwear, I could get on board with the craft idea. But putting boys’ names (or girls’ names, for that matter) on your underwear is just sad. Especially when they’re encouraging one for each day of the week. Side note: I bet these fall apart after one wash.

boy of the week panties

The post Cosmo Girl DIY appeared first on Awful Library Books.

14 Jan 23:32

THESE KIDS RULE!

by noreply@blogger.com (JerryMaguire)
14 Jan 17:30

Trash Bird’s Success

by Reza
14 Jan 17:29

by dorrismccomics
14 Jan 16:16

Plug 'Em Up and Let 'Em Flow

this is a diesel sweeties comic strip

Headphones are the new therapy.

14 Jan 16:15

On the next episode of THE INTERNET MATTRESS MURDERS...

this is a diesel sweeties comic strip
14 Jan 16:15

Stoic Advice

Person: \
14 Jan 16:05

20200114

by Lar