bernot

oh shit. i was pretty back then.
now i’m fat and my asshole
sticks out like a straw-
berry. life is cruel
to the dead and
even crueler
to the
living.

alonzo1948:

My cousins the best at snapchat and you can’t convince me otherwise

I hope the makers of this are ready to be millionaires

I'm sure you're seeing that '99' up there and are a little incredulous. How can an archaic, bizarre car like this possibly get almost a perfect score? Nothing's ever scored that high! The answer's easy: because I really want it to. The only reason I'm not giving it a 100 is because I don't own it.

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"Ghost Moth Serenade" (acrylic and glitter on wood, 36″ x 48″)

Camille Rose Garcia, painter of absinthe dreams, surreal fairy tales, and enchanting trips down the rabbit hole, has a show of new work opening tomorrow night, April 3, at Seattle's Roq La Rue Gallery. Garcia's influences range from dark children's books to the cut-ups of William Burroughs and Brion Gysin to the deepest crevices of Disney. Her new exhibition, titled "La Danse Macabre," will hang at the Roq until April 26th along with work by Canadian painter Peter Ferguson's black comedy narrative paintings. Camille paints the phantasmagoric dreamscapes that I yearn to visit while I'm asleep, and awake. Immerse yourselves in her art below. For more of Camille's work, I highly recommend her stunning illustrated versions of Snow White and Alice's Adventures in Wonderland.

"Constant Haunting of My Teeth" (acrylic and glitter on wood, 24" x 36")

"La Danse Macabre Molar" (acrylic and glitter on wood, 24" x 36")

"Escape of Palilla Fantasma" (acrylic and glitter on wood, 24" x 24")

"The Painted Embrace of Love and Death" (acrylic and glitter on wood, 12" x 12")

"Till The Sun Turns Black" (acrylic and glitter on wood, 12" x 12")

"Serenade De La Vultura Macabre" (acrylic and glitter on wood, 24" x 24")

"You Are The Phantom" (acrylic and glitter on wood, 12" x 12")

Japanese shoe designer Masaya Kushino, known for his extravagant creations that walk a thin line between footwear and sculpture, has created a new line of shoes inspired by the chicken. “Bird-Witched” actually takes its cue from Jakuchu Ito, “a legendary painter who flourished during the Edo period in the 18th century,” says Kushino. “He depicted real life animals such as birds, tigers, and elephants in a really ingenious way, tinged with a bit of insanity.”

For his latest collection, Kushino decided to depict the process of a bird turning into a pair of luxurious, feather-clad shoes. But Kushino reassures us that the shoes aren’t only to look at. They are fundamentally wearable footwear which, in Kushino’s mind, clearly separates them from standalone art objects.

Bird-Witched is currently on display at the Kyoto National Museum of Modern Art. But Kushino’s heels will be traveling to the US for an exhibition at the Brooklyn Museum later this year.

source: artinfo

A guy has taken the time to painstakingly analyze and rank all of the cuss words in popular rap albums from 1985-2013. The least we can do is to find out what he discovered.

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Artist Stuart Atteberry remixed a selection of Mondrian and Rothko paintings using Gimp and GlitchSort, reorganizing the pixels by brightness and then animating the sorting, so they “cascade dreamily.” Artist Kim Asendorf coined the term “pixel sorting” for this type of algorithmic image manipulation process in 2010.

Atteberry explains the very basic idea behind his project: “Many old artists helped to push humanity along the path of better understanding, and I’m using glitch methods to re-examine those understandings.” Now ooh, aah.

The post Glitch Mondrian,
Pixel-Sorted Rothko appeared first on ANIMAL.

bthny:

god bless

In the least surprising move of the off season, the Kansas City Chiefs announced this morning they have conceded the AFC West to the Denver Broncos and will forego playing football during the 2014 season. “Listen, let’s be honest about this,” Andy Reid said in front of a lone reporter, Perez A. Hilton, at a […]

Chiefs Concede AFC West To Denver; Won’t Play In 2014 - Arrowhead Addict - Arrowhead Addict - A Kansas City Chiefs Fan Site - News, Blogs, Opinion and more

Redditor Kgriffin88 spotted the train car above, painted to look like an old-school NES controller. Eagle-eyed nerds will notice it sports three buttons, not the historically accurate two — that’s TEXER, the writer, shouting out ALB, his crew.

No word on where this one was taken, but some internet digging seems to suggest TEXER works mostly on the West Coast. Looks like he first put the Nintendo car up at least seven months ago.

(Photo: Kgriffin88)

The post Here’s a Freight Car Painted Like a Nintendo Controller appeared first on ANIMAL.

Getty Image

Real life Tony Stark, Elon Musk, has turned to a tried and true way to get people to see his awesome new feature on his Tesla Model S. He has chosen the gif to demonstrate his new titanium underbody shield for the Model S. Via Medium:

Via Medium

Via Medium

Via Medium

If I had the money to buy one of these cars, I totally would. I live in Metro-Detroit, so our roads aren’t the greatest thing in the world. This never-ending winter means that when the snow isn’t already almost bottoming out your car, it melts, and then the pot holes almost bottom out your car. Look at that titanium bottom just crush all that debris! Now run over a Watermelon!

(Medium Via TechCrunch)

Please do not give Kool-aid to babies.

 
Superior Viaduct, the excellent archivist label from whom you got your copies of Hardcore Devo Volume 1 and Volume 2—you DID pick those up, right?—is taking pre-orders for...

Imagine that you've got an Easter egg delivery service and a love of classic Mustangs. You aren't going to fit many eggs in the back of the standard coupe version or even the fastback with its fold-down rear seats...but...you've got a Volvo 245 shell sitting around collecting dust...and a welder.

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In a world with 24-hours news networks and a camera on every phone, finding fame isn’t particularly difficult. In fact, we’re all just one slip on a patch ice uploaded to YouTube away from being the next flash-in-the-pan Internet sensation. But that fame is truly fleeting–does anyone even remember “Chocolate Rain” anymore?

So if you really want to “make it” in today’s world of instant Internet glory, you’ll need to do better than getting tweeted or YouTubed–you’ll need to land on Wikipedia, the world’s greatest resource for free, possibly accurate information for high school research papers. And who is Wikipedia’s newest addition to achieve eternal glory and fame? None other than Natalia Poklonskaya, the new attorney general of Crimea we’ve talked about a few times before.

Much to the joy of Natalia’s Japanese fans, the young prosecutor’s Japanese Wikipedia page not only contains the typical boring things like facts about her life but also a whole host of fan art! If you’re looking for a treasure trove of glamorous drawings of the attorney, you’ll find your fill at Wikipedia. And if you’re interested, you can also learn a little bit more about her story, like where she went to university and some of the details of her career.

▼No citations needed here!

Japanese commenters were amused by this development–though we’re not sure they should really be surprised.

I really like the third illustration.

So cuuuuuute!

“Internet popularity boom”? LOL!

There might be too many drawings up there!

I set this as my start page for my browser.

And don’t worry, fellow English speakers, there’s an English version of Natalia’s Wikipedia page as well with all the same illustrations. In fact, her entry is available in over 20 languages, including Spanish, German, and Italian, perfect for current events homework for high school students the world over!

Incidentally, the English version of her page currently seems to be under semi-protection from editing, which “prevents edits from unregistered users (IP addresses), as well as edits from any account that is not autoconfirmed [...] or confirmed.” For an entry that’s only been around for about ten days, that certainly didn’t take long, did it?

Sources/Images: Himasoku, Wikipedia Japanese, Wikipedia English

• Crimean attorney general responds to the Internet’s attempts to turn her into an anime character
• Admirers express their love for Crimean attorney general in the purest way they can: cute fan art
• Japanese netizens put reality on hold for a moment, fall in love with new attorney general of Crimea
• English language education in Japan: Are native speakers essential?
• From A cups to H cups, boobs through the eyes of the women who have them

Origin: Crimean attorney general gets Wikipedia page overflowing with fan art
Copyright© RocketNews24 / SOCIO CORPORATION. All rights reserved.

justmadethatup:

submariet:

VAN EYCK

Never have I seen ANYTHING more accurate. 

Via Know Your Meme

We’re not big fans of pseudoscience around here, which makes this next story a particularly delicious morsel of schadenfreude. The FDA has recalled homeopathic remedies sold by Terra-Medica because they may contain real medicine. Penicillin or its derivatives, to be exact. As Ars Technica points out, one of the products even bills itself as treating inflammation and infection “without the use of traditional antibiotics”. It’s also worth noting that penicillin allergies are one of the most common adverse drug reactions. Great work, everyone.

To phrase it in layman’s terms, homeopathic remedies are heavily-diluted concoctions of overpriced horsesh*t. As Ars Technica also points out, the House of Commons found them to work no better than placebos. That may be because they’re diluted to the point of often being only water and occasionally sugar.

“In a vial of homeopathic sulphur pills at 30C strength, there’s significantly more chance of winning the lottery (1 in 14 million) than there is of finding a single molecule of sulphur.” – 10:23 Campaign via GDS Infographics [emphasis ours]

Speaking of the 10:23 Campaign, Ars Technica spoke to someone involved in their anti-homeopathy stance — Michael Marshall — about the recall.

“[It's funny] to see homeopathic products recalled because, for a change, they actually contain some real ingredients.” But, he added, there’s “real cause for concern here. People are often persuaded to try homeopathy by claims that homeopathic remedies have no side effects — and that’s true, albeit because they also have no beneficial effects. These so-called medicines are simply drops of water, put onto sugar pills, and no more than that,” Marshall said. [...] “Our advice to the consumer is clear: leave sugar pills in the 19th century where they belong.”

Sellers of homeopathy products explain the dilution of their products by claiming the water has a “memory” of the ingredient it used to contain. Well, if water has a memory, every particle of it out there should remember a curry I ate back in ’93. Drink up, homeopathy proponents.

e-sigh:

notyourwaifu:

couerdedanse:

ADOPTED A NEW DOG

WANTED TO SEE IF MADELEINE PLAYS WELL WITH ROTHBART

THEY ARE OBVIOUSLY GETTING OFF TO A GOOD START, NO???

I can’t hear myself think but that’s okay.

There is nothing I enjoy more than dogs making stupid noises

These idiots are the best

Me and Alex

How many times have I held someone’s hair or pushed away a way too affectionate hug because of you? Yes you, Four Loko — the vile combination of 12% malt liquor, 260mg of caffeine, and a pile of other crap that is an equivalent of shotgunning three beers and chasing with a venti black extra sugar. Well, the national nightmare is over. It technically ended in November 2010 with the FDA forcing the removal of caffeine. after 23 people suffered alcohol poisoning at the same party in New Jersey. And now, to satisfy the bloodlust of local lawmakers, they’re discontinuing the disgusting fruit malt beverage entirely.

Fuckin’ Four Lokos, how do they work?

Caffeine is an adenosine inhibitor. Adenosine suppresses central nervous system activity. By inhibiting it, caffeine sets off a cascade of serotonin, dopamine, and others to create its stimulant effect. Alcohol (ethanol) fucks with the GABA system, enhancing its function and suppressing the central nervous system activity, thereby calming us. Oh hey, one enhances and the other reduces, that cancels out right? NO. They’re working on two separate systems in different ways that happen to mask each other.

Our livers are magic, and they metabolize caffeine and alcohol differently. Caffeine behaves “normally” with a half-life that steadily comes down. Alcohol doesn’t. Our livers hit a limit, we can only process so much, so our levels don’t fall as fast, and you’re drinking more. Guess which clears first. Guess who’s now feeling the full effects of alcohol poisoning.

Let’s “cook.”

Every energy drink advertises its taurine content, its use of guarana berries and some shit about vitamins. Taurine levels are too low to have any effect negative or otherwise. Guarana berries are stronger than coffee beans, usually used to mask how much caffeine they actually have in the damn things. Vitamin B6, B12, and niacin are also pointless. Unless you’re a refugee, locked up in a gulag, or a Southerner from 1900s, you probably don’t have a B vitamin deficiency. Any extra B vitamins you’ll piss out. Glucuronolactone, carnitine, various herbs — they’re usually at levels below what is relevant or active. You’re not going to need any of that shit.

But what if you miss going full retard on Four Loko?

You could chug a Rockstar or Monster and shove a key into 3 beers. But what if you really miss the sickening “fruit” flavors? Jolly Rancher, of purple drank ingredient fame, makes a ton of flavors.

Buy yourself a 40 of malt liquor, a small bottle of cheap vodka, 2 12oz cans of Sprite, a bag of Jolly Ranchers, and a box of caffeine pills. If Duane Reade ever gets a liquor license, I doubt I’ll shop anywhere else.

1. Take a swig of vodka to kill the remaining brain cells that say this is a bad idea.

2. Dump your chosen Jolly Rancher flavor into the vodka. Let the candies mostly dissolve overnight.

3. You’ll need 2 large containers capable of holding at least 750ml or 25oz. Open the box of caffeine pills and smash one up as fine as you can get it on a piece of parchment paper. Dump one pill’s worth of powder into each cup.

4. Now smash another pill, remove half of the powder, and then split it into quarters. Pour a quarter of a pill’s worth into each cup. Now we have around the level of caffeine Four Loko had.

5. Pour 6oz each of malt liquor and vodka into each glass and let the tablets dissolve fully. Now we’re about the level of alcohol of Four Loko, and it’s absolutely disgusting just like Four Loko. You have enough for two people, but you’re gonna drink both by yourself.

6. Lie on your side; call 911; try not to die.

The post RIP Four Loko;
How To “Cook” Four Loko appeared first on ANIMAL.

“Modern man is drinking and drugging himself out of awareness, or he spends his time shopping, which is the same thing. As awareness calls for types of heroic dedication that his culture no longer provides for him, society contrives to help him forget.” – Ernest Becker, The Denial of Death.

We will all die. It is the unique curse of humans to be cognizant of it long before it happens, because it comes in stages, some more obvious than others. There are signs, reminders that it is coming and we’re powerless to control it. It can be a reminder as obvious as osteoporosis or menopause, or as vague as having our jobs slowly phased out by computers. Our bodies deteriorate, people around us drift away, our skills signifying societal utility become irrelevant, and our world gets smaller.

If we’re lucky, we are useful just long enough to considerably outlive our usefulness. If we’re extremely lucky, we can surround ourselves with expensive hobbies and sycophants to tell us we’ll always be useful. And if we’re normal, we don’t even get that far: we cling to the margins, hoping to ignore our decline from a soft chair, with the company of our chosen form of escapism.

Most of us aren’t very useful, so life is a railroad track we’re tied to. We can squirm, we can throw dirt around, and we can kick and scream and yell, but there’s still a train that’s gonna kill us in a fairly predictable amount of time: soon. And that’s viscerally horrifying, no matter how much we react against it, that inevitability of being run over and ground up into nothingness.

So society rises up to help us ignore the train. And the mechanisms of escapism have grown more and more sophisticated. Booze and drugs are the most well-documented, but lately there are others. Movies, sure, though huge screens and sophisticated CGI can only make us ignore death if the movie is exceedingly memorable. Social media is a new escapism. It’s the instant simulation of societal utility. It allows us to sit in our soft chairs and make an active engagement with a curated news cycle.

The illusion of relevance allows us to feel like we’re fighting the good fight. We develop hero complexes. We are superior to peers in our chosen field. We are superior to others in our age group. We are definitely superior to celebrities, with their cults and unhealthy diets and egregious displays of wealth and power. We can’t be dying. We’re righteous, forging a special identity, speaking truth to power. We’re on a hero’s journey, righting the axis of the moral universe by calling attention to the cosmically inconsequential foolishness of those in the public eye. If we die doing that, we’ll go down swinging, and that’s not death.

But eventually the computer has to be turned off and we have to sleep, so death reenters the equation. And so we die for a few hours. Then we wake up, not quite autonomous and never lucid enough. And we power up the computer. Find a headline. A target to prove our social worth. In Los Angeles, Gwyneth Paltrow has filed for divorce from Chris Martin.

The post A Guide to the ‘Conscious Uncoupling’ of Gwyneth Paltrow and That Dude from Coldplay appeared first on Happy Nice Time People.

Hey look! Percy is back! Bloom Planet is a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to die there.

Can you guys do me a favor? If you’ve been considering becoming a patron of the site, please do it today. And if you don’t want to become a patron, consider buying some SFAM merchandise or ebooks. My finances would greatly appreciate it. Thanks to everyone who supports this little endeavor, your contributions keep the comics flowing.

stand-up-comic-gifs:

Kumail Nanjiani

Via Tumblr

Taking mushrooms makes you see a lot of weird stuff. Everything seems to have a light trail and time becomes meaningless. A great way to pass the time in those pointless gen-ed requirements.

This GIF of KTLA news anchor Chris Schauble tripping out during an Earthquake is exactly like that and it’s already my favorite GIF. Look at him reach out in confusion. It’s like college all over again.

(Via Tumblr)