Duane

WASHINGTON—Saying he didn’t want any “cheap-ass, dull ones,” Vice President Joe Biden quietly asked Barack Obama to pick him up some of those real throwing stars during his upcoming diplomatic visit to Japan, White House sources confirmed Friday. “Listen, Barry, I need the real deal, so when you’re over there next week, snag me a few super sharp ones crafted by a master throwing star maker,” said Biden, adding that he would prefer it if the president could find a few bladed throwing weapons that had “some cool Japanese shit written on them.” “The ones they hawk at the Oriental Imports kiosk in the mall are basically useless tinfoil junk. Believe me, I’ve whipped those fuckers as hard as I can, and they never stick to anything. They sure as shit ain’t sharp enough to pin some guy’s nutsack to a tree.” At press ...

“it’s not loaded — we’re hoping satan will be so surprised to see you, that he’ll just do the thing where you kneel, and put your hands on your head. then you can arrest him.”

Kickstarter Reward! - "In the desperate pursuit of our goals, how realistic are our chances? PeakStory is a collection of books dedicated only to the pursuers.http://peakstory.net"

SACRAMENTO, CA—Putting to rest a mystery that has confounded scientists for a decade, a team of biologists from the University of California, Berkeley announced Wednesday that billions of bees believed to have died in recent years were discovered living anonymously in a quiet neighborhood in Sacramento. “Over the years, the scientific community has come up with a number of theories to explain the unusual disappearance of bee populations throughout the world, but it turns out they’ve been in Sacramento the whole time,” said Berkeley Department of Entomology director Lucinda Ronan, who admitted that she and her colleagues had “never thought to look” for the millions of colonies’ worth of flying insects in the sleepy, tree-lined Northern California city and eventually came upon them in an out-of-the-way subdivision entirely by accident. “Our working hypothesis is that they may have been burned out from the incessant task of pollination, or ...

Hard pressed to come up with a better explanation for why there are pork chops or turkeys, a.k.a. wall turkeys, hidden in the various walls throughout the Castlevania series. You know, besides it is just a video game, because that is the lazy way out.



See more: Meat Packing

Hovertext: It's time to take our children back from the Puppet Establishment.

New comic!
Today's News:

DURHAM, NC—According to a study published Monday by researchers at Duke University’s Center for Cognitive Neuroscience, humans experience the most intense feelings of happiness when pressing the “skip ad” button before watching a video on the internet. “After measuring test subjects’ endorphin and serotonin levels during a variety of pleasurable activities, we found that the largest spikes in joy were recorded when participants stopped an online advertisement and initiated the video they actually wanted to watch,” said the study’s lead author, Dr. Paul Alleslev, who noted that feelings of bliss began rising as the timer indicating how soon the button would appear counted down toward zero. “Also, using fMRI scans, we noticed that once the ‘skip ad’ box became visible, the pleasure centers of the brain lit up with a flurry of activity, as did the motor cortex, prompting subjects to click the button with extraordinary speed ...

• Even when the two of you don’t agree, present a unified front to your children until they figure out which of you is the weak link.
  
• Think twice before yelling and screaming. Establish a non-hostile environment in which to sit down and calmly discuss the Lego in your child’s windpipe.
  
• Reduce stress by outsourcing some of the nitty-gritty parenting duties to a nanny with a Ph.D. in Logic and Methodology from U.C. Berkeley.
  
• When people are angry, they sometimes blurt out things they later regret. Take a moment to gather your thoughts so you can come up with something truly cutting.
  
• When struggling to arrive at a consensus, make a list of pros and cons, crumple it up, and bounce it off your spouse’s forehead.

Hovertext: Now if we could just perfect the reusable first booster...

New comic!
Today's News:

IRVING, TX—Saying the multinational oil and gas conglomerate had “really dodged a bullet,” ExxonMobil CEO Rex Tillerson told reporters Wednesday how relieved he was now that it was finally too late to do anything about climate change.

The 64-year-old petroleum executive, who acknowledged that throughout his career he had feared the public might take action to curb rising temperatures by imposing emissions restrictions or mandating a switch to alternative energy, said he was just happy that the window for avoiding the planet’s environmental destruction had closed, and that the entire industry was now free to carry on as usual.

“I was really worried for a while there that some kind of law would be passed to stop us from releasing all those hydrocarbons into the atmosphere, but I guess not,” said Tillerson, describing how he felt as if a tremendous weight had been lifted from his shoulders now ...

WASHINGTON—According to a report published this week by sociologists at American University, the vast majority of parents across the country are willing to entrust their children to anyone wearing a plush character costume. “Our data show that roughly 95 percent of all U.S. parents are perfectly fine allowing their young children to approach, hug, and even sit on the lap of literally any individual, provided that person is inside a soft full-body costume depicting some friendly-looking character,” said lead researcher Carol Milano, noting that her team observed hundreds of instances in which adults displayed no nervousness or reluctance whatsoever about their small child being picked up and nuzzled by an unidentified person at a Single-A baseball game, shopping mall, or theme park if that person happened to be wearing a bulky outfit designed to resemble a cartoon elephant, tiger, bear, or duck. “Generally, most parents simply presume that ...

Hovertext: Can you at least appreciate how clever my word choice was?

New comic!
Today's News:

Desperately hoping no else has made the exact same joke... 

COLUMBUS, OH—Hoping to build on the momentum from his victory in the Ohio Republican primary last night, presidential candidate John Kasich reportedly spent much of Wednesday trying to locate other states where he is a beloved multi-term governor. “Given our campaign’s tremendous success in Ohio, I’ve instructed my top staffers to focus all their efforts on identifying additional states where I am currently a widely popular governor, or have been in the past,” the candidate told reporters, adding that several aides were currently placing calls to every statehouse in the country to determine whether Kasich is a sitting governor anywhere else. “We want to move forward with the strategy that’s worked for us, and that means campaigning hard in states where my current constituents live. I’ve proved that I can win big in areas where I’m the governor, and now it’s time to ...

HOPEWELL, NJ—Trying unsuccessfully to ignore the child as he grasped his genitals between his thumb and index finger, wincing sources reported Wednesday that local boy Jacob Faldonna, 2, was really yanking on his penis hard. “Oh boy,” the incredibly uncomfortable sources reportedly thought to themselves as they tried to carry on a normal conversation despite the toddler tugging firmly at his penis and then releasing it, giving it pull after pull, over and over again. “God, he’s still doing it.” At press time, sources confirmed the child had momentarily heeded his father’s stern admonishment that “We don’t do that” before grabbing his foreskin and stretching it out as far as it would go.

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June 23, 1990 — see The Complete Peanuts 1987-1990

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters. “Our new Spearmint Big Mac takes the classic, all-American burger customers love and gives it a minty twist that’s perfect for cleansing your palate and freshening your breath,” said McDonald’s CEO Steve Easterbrook, explaining that the new Big Mac’s menthol-and-sesame-seed bun, spearmint-oil-infused American cheese, and two all-beef patties provide a delicious and intense burst of mint that’s “perfect for capping off any Value Meal.” “Plus, the cooling micro-crystals in our crisp new Special Sauce provide the Spearmint Big Mac with an icy mint rush that leaves your mouth feeling clean and frosty for the rest of the day.” Easterbrook added that the company is also developing a six-piece ...

“and this one is in the shape of the word ‘gamer,’ and bios starts up with a shotgun noise, a chainsaw noise, and a sexy moan. you can disable the shotgun noise though”

I fail to see anything I would have handled differently.



See more: Keep Your Priorities Straight

Here are The Onion’s tips for getting out of debt quickly and painlessly:

• First, to discourage impulsive spending, cut up all your credit cards and paper money.
  
• Make your assorted debts more manageable by spreading them out over several false identities.
  
• Organization is key. Make a spreadsheet to neatly list all your minimum payments, interest rates, and remaining unfractured kneecaps.
  
• Find inspiration in someone whose credit score you admire and tape their photo to the front of your wallet.
  
• Ask credit card issuers for a lower rate on your balances. It’s likely they were unaware that you would prefer to owe them less money.
  
• Look for everyday ways to reduce expenses. For instance, the average American saves $3,000 per year simply by switching to blended scotch.
  
• Set up autopay options to consistently overdraft in a timely fashion.
  
• Use cash for purchases instead of credit. If you don ...

Space pals?!

bonus panel

WASHINGTON—Moving quickly to begin the process of filling the unexpected vacancy on the Supreme Court bench, President Obama spent much of the weekend compiling a shortlist of gay, transsexual abortion doctors to replace the late Antonin Scalia, White House sources confirmed Monday. “These are all exemplary candidates with strong homosexual values and proven records of performing partial-birth abortions, but am I missing anyone?” Obama reportedly asked himself while reviewing his list of queer, gender-nonconforming, feminist Planned Parenthood employees, all of whom were also said to be black immigrants. “I definitely have enough post-op transsexuals on the list, but it is a little light on pre-op candidates. And I should probably add a cop killer or two on here just to round out my options.” Sources later confirmed that Obama was attempting to rapidly narrow the list down to the single best nominee to submit to the Senate in hopes ...