You probably already know that Sir Ian McKellen and Sir Patrick Stewart have been hanging out in New York City and ruining all of our lives with awesome photos. Well, McKellen posted this on his twitter earlier this week, and it blows the others out of the water. I don’t even know how to comment on this. It should be framed and preserved forever for posterity because it is a beautiful thing.

(via: Geektress)

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SCENE ONE: HOW DIANA AND PRINCE CHARLES MET

DIANA
Howay jugalugs, I bet my tits are bigger than your arse

CHARLES
No way you fancy Nancy, I gots them juicy Windsor boo-tarks.

Charles slaps his ass and juggles his buttocks in a wild infinity loop

DIANA
Fuck off Wales, I’m gonna lay down a monkey on my tits sizing off amply against your muddy pussy*. Drop your kecks and let’s compare

CHARLES
Aight.

ZIP SOUND EFFECT. SOUND EFFECT OF COLLIDING MEATS.

DIANA
I win! Now I get one wish

Diana closes her eyes and makes a wish

CHARLES
Phwoar. Let’s get to Buckingham Palace, where I will put tiaras on your lovely tits what are bigger’n my bum

DIANA
Hooray! That was my wish

SCENE TWO: THE RELATIONSHIP GOES SOUR

CHARLES
Stop crying or I won’t let you wear any more crowns

DIANA
It’s not fair Charles I’m so sad. I just want to be queen, right now

CHARLES
Why don’t you go and make friends with Kenny Everett or something. You were friends with him, weren’t you?

DIANA
I think so. Either him or Freddie Mercury. Let’s just say I was friends with Kenny Everett for the sake of this movie

CHARLES
No wait I think Kenny Everett was friends with Cleo Rocos

DIANA
FUCK OFF CHARLES

SCENE THREE: AT BBC TELEVISION CENTRE

DIANA [upset]
It’s not fair Kenny Everett I just want to be the queen of England at any cost. I mean I will kill everyone I have to, seriously

KENNY EVERETT
Oh Di you wee dinky bagpuss! Come and watch me having sex on a ghost train

DIANA
Kenny! Aren’t you worried about any killer sex diseases?

KENNY EVERETT
Don’t be silly, you freaky blonde piss! All sex diseases are curable. That’s the point!

GHOST TRAIN SOUND EFFECTS

DIANA
Well Kenny if there ever is a killer sex disease you can be sure that I will visit the hospitals and go around touching everyone

KENNY EVERETT
That’s because you’re the kind woman who likes human people. Maybe you are too kind!

DIANA
Ken, I couldn’t begin to tell you how many dicks I’ve got bouncing off my forehead in this place

KENNY EVERETT
You might as well wank a couple off. It’s pitch black in here, no-one’ll know

SCENE FOUR: DIANA MEETS DODI

DIANA
I do love Harrods. It’s really expensi… OW YOU FUCKIN TROD ON MY FOOT YOU RUDE MAN

DODI
Soz babes I was just buying Harrods and the contract is so big I didn’t see you there

DIANA
Well that’s as may be, I’m going to be queen one day so get off my fuckin’ hooves

DIANA STORMS OFF

DODI
She is absolutely beautiful and so pure. Send her a ten quid Harrod’s voucher

SCENE FIVE: CAMILLA MEETS DIANA AT A PARTY

DIANA
Ow my fucking foot! Again! What is it with pricks stepping on my feet today, have I got cunt painted on my face?

CAMILLA
Hello, Diana. I’m Camilla Parker Bowles, and I did it on purpose. I’m going to steal your man and be the queen.

DIANA
ARE YOU FUCK AS LIKE

CAMILLA
I FUCKIN AM

DIANA
I’LL KILL THE SHIT OUT OF YOU

CAMILLA
HERE HAVE AN APPLE

DIANA
THANKS

SCENE FIVE: THINGS GET WORSE WITH CHARLES

DIANA
I am leaving you Charles to go on a car ride with my new boyfriend who sent me a ten quid voucher which is more than you ever gave me

CHARLES
That’s fine, I’ll just keep twiddlin’ Camilla’s nips

DIANA
Whatever like I even care

CHARLES
Before you go, Diana.

DIANA
I’m on my way out I can’t just turn around loads of times I’ll fall over

CHARLES
Give me your royal badge and royal gun

DIANA
Fuck off it man I’m two days from becoming the queen

CHARLES
Your badge and gun, Diana. Don’t make me use the human-corgi hybrids

Diana hands over that stuff Charles asked for

DIANA
This is bullshit

SCENE SIX: IN A CAR IN PARIS

DIANA
How the fuck did we end up in Paris man
DODI
We are going so fast babes so fast in this car like my exotic love for you
DIANA
Dodi, your balls are rock hard. Is that normal?

DODI
Yes. In foreign men the balls go hard not the penis. I am going to stuff them in you like some exotic unheard-of figs

DIANA
OK! but first let’s eat this apple that my nemesis Camilla Parker Bowles gave me

DODI
Enemy apples are the most delicious apples of all where I come from in my country from abroad

THEY EAT THE APPLE. NO-ONE DIES

DIANA
Well that apple was delicious, and not poisoned at all

DODI
In my country where I am from it is customary after an enemy apple to tickle the driver of the car you are in

DIANA
Don’t do tickle the driver Dodi that’s dangerous

DODI
But it is tradition and you said don’t do tickle the driver so that’s really mixed messages

TICKLING SOUNDS

DODI
Tickle tickle tickle!

LAUGHING SOUNDS. CAR CRASH SOUNDS. NATION MOURNING SOUNDS

SCENE SEVEN: CAMILLA IS CROWNED QUEEN OF ENGLAND

CAMILLA
Thanks for making me Queen of England Charles

CHARLES
No probs lady. Sad that Diana carked it but to be honest I like you more anyway.

CAMILLA
Yes! In fact you might say I’m more apple-ealing

CHARLES LOOKS, SHOCKED, TO THE CAMERA AND REALISES WHAT HE HAS DONE

CAMILLA
I am going to kill everyone in England

—

If you’d like to hear this script performed by four revolting men, subscribe to the Regular Features podcast.
[soundcloud url=”https://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/115774153″ width=”100%” height=”166″ iframe=”true” /]

By Cyriaque Lamar  Published: October 06th, 2013  As these things happen, it's come to the planet's attention that a pair of Texas college students has been self-publishing a not-unsuccessful series of dinosaur-on-girl porno novellas on Amazon. Given that the Internet requires elaborate sex fantasie

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On the one hand, I’m not the hugest fan of Forever 21. As a company they’ve a history of things like (allegedly) ripping off designers and (allegedly) mistreating workers. And when I bought things from them back in my high school days they always fell apart. On the other hand: I really like that pencil skirt, and some of the sweaters are decidedly nice and snuggly-looking. I’m just going to wistfully look at some of the items in the company’s new Bats & Cats collection and wish someone else made them, but you can decide for yourself.

(via: CBR)

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The latest filmmakers to decide “You’re not going to make a Wonder Woman movie? Fine. We’ll make one our own dang selves” (Exhibit A. Exhibit B.) hail from Rainfall Films. They’ve created a moody, atmospheric two minutes and thirty seconds of Diana kicking both human and monster butt, and it is a thing to behold.

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With the release of a long awaited and well produced Wonder Woman fan film today, the discussion of why she hasn’t had a feature film adaptation, while her counterparts Batman and Superman have had nearly twenty between them, has been riding high. Lynda Carter, the last woman to play the Amazon Princess in a live action adaptation, thinks she knows why Hollywood has struggled to adapt a version of the character that makes it to screens.

Carter, who is in the middle of partnering with DC comics in their We Can Be Heroes campaign against hunger in Africa, tells ETOnline:

I think they try to just make her a female version of a male superhero, and that’s not what she is. She is an Amazon Princess and she’s got really strong sisterhood values. She’s smart, and she just happens to be beautiful and super strong, and she has these great cool things like these bracelets and boomerang headband and non-lethal kinds of ways of dealing with people…

Maybe they need a female writer who gets it. I’ve often tried not to say that, but I think it’s the truth. It’s like, ‘Hellooooo guys, get a female that understands what that’s all about.’ You look at any society that suppresses women, and it’s violent. Look around the world. … There’s a humanity that they’re missing. There’s got to be a sweetness, a kindness, a goodness in the character. The rest takes care of itself.

I both agree and disagree with Carter. I agree with her when she says that executives who see Wonder Woman as merely a “female version of a male superhero” are kind of missing the point. There’s nothing “merely” about that definition when it comes to Wonder Woman, and it’s my only problem with her New 52 title. But while I do think that Wonder Woman is a great character to, as Marvel has done with Captain America, explore a rare completely non-cynical view of the modern superhero myth, I don’t think sweetness is the way to do it. What’s unique about Wonder Woman in the DC universe is that she’s a character who doesn’t hesitate to kill, once all other options, including kindness, negotiation, and second chances have been exhausted. She comes, after all, from a utopian society founded not just by philosophers, but primarily by warriors. Perhaps we’re so used to the “tragic” origin of the superhero that executives have trouble wrapping their heads around a superhero who doesn’t have dead parents, a dead planet, dead girlfriend, a drinking problem, an evil brother, or a giant green rage monster trapped inside them to motivate them to do good. Just the knowledge that there are improvements that can be made, and they have the power to make them. I mean, aside from the obvious reason why we don’t have a Wonder Woman movie.

Gail Simone, the female writer with the longest-running tenure on DC’s Wonder Woman title, noted today that most of the folks who seem to think Wonder Woman is “tricky” to adapt are of an older generation, and may have little experience with a version of the character more modern than the 1975 television show.

I am wondering if we have reached a generational shift and we aren’t really aware of it because the people doing all the talking are baby boomers with a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FRAME OF REFERENCE for Wonder Woman.

They rethink Superman every few years. They allow for a dozen different interpretations of Batman at the same time. But I keep hearing about a Wonder Woman who is problematic for film, who hasn’t actually EXISTED for a long time. She has evolved, just like the other icons.

Simone posits that it may only be a matter of time before we get somebody in a position to adapt Wonder Woman who has had a modern experience with her character, whether in recent comics, video games, or the DC Animated Universe. I hope she’s right, and I think, knowing she’d agree, that we’ve already had to wait long enough.

Marvel has announced the Ultimate Mentor Adventure, part mentor program, part contest, that gives American girls in grades 9-12 the resources to find and interview professional women in science, technology, engineering, and math, and then rewards them for doing it.

Natalie Portman has always been a consistent voice for greater screentime and opportunities behind the scenes for female characters and real women in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, so it doesn’t surprise me at all to learn that she’s the first face you see on the Ultimate Mentor Adventure’s explanatory video. Portman talks about her character Jane Foster, an astrophysicist, amid finished and behind the scenes clips of Jane in Thor: The Dark World, and, while the bombastic music of the trailers plays, she says, “the truth is, I really do love science. And the role gave me an amazing opportunity to explore science in all its possibilities.”

That’s what the contest appears set up to do. With the resources on the page, eligible girls (they must be at least fourteen, in grades 9-12, and live in the continental U.S.) can find a woman working in a STEM job that they find interesting in their area, and also get tips on how to interview and introduce themselves. In order to be eligible for the big prize, however, entrants must submit a unedited five minute video in which they talk about their love of science, their experience interviewing their mentor, and what steps they might take to embark on a STEM career.

That big prize? A trip to Los Angeles, California, to a screening of Thor: The Dark World at the El Capitan theater on opening day, a screening where the winning videos will run as part of a documentary short before the movie. It’s hard for me to express how cool of a contest this is. Not only is it taking one of the oft diminished characters in superhero film (the love interest) and emphasizing that her talents are useful and achievable in the real world, it’s also structured in such a way that even girls who don’t win are given resources to follow their interests, and motivation to find out a bit more about their career opportunities.

Four for you, Marvel Entertainment and Natalie Portman, and I do hope that documentary short makes it onto a DVD release!

(Thor: The Dark World – Ultimate Mentor Adventure via GeekMom.)

The Atlanta Dream has to play its Finals home games at the Arena at Gwinnett Center, about a half hour outside of Atlanta, because Philips Arena is hosting Disney on Ice.

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Early update because I'll be at Festiblog all day!

This week, after years of dodging the subject, the Christian Science Monitor was finally forced to clarify its position in America's most controversial debate: Babies: It's OK to Literally Eat Them, Right? Or What? The official Christian Science Monitor position: Not in favor of literally eating babies. (For now.)

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A couple days ago I read an article theorizing that painted a picture of one of my wildest fantasies: that interest in Agents of SHIELD (recap coming up later) would convince a television network to take a chance on the Gotham Central concept. Gotham Central, written by Greg Rucka and Ed Brubaker, is essentially The Wire of Batman comics, or close enough. It’s a fascinating series and I recommend it to everyone, and I don’t understand how you can make a show about cops in Gotham without Batman, which is apparently what Fox has just decided to do.

From Deadline:

Fox has landed Gotham, from Warner Bros. TV and The Mentalist creator Bruno Heller, with a series commitment… It explores the origin stories of Commissioner James Gordon and the villains who made Gotham City famous. In Gotham, Gordon is still a detective with the Gotham City Police Department and has yet to meet Batman, who will not be part of the series.

There have been a lot of comics about superheroes confronted with the everyday lives of the citizens they’re trying to save, but the difference in Gotham Central was that it didn’t care about confronting Batman with how much his work (not to mention the massive upheavals of DC universe Crisis events, or collateral damage from Gotham supervillains) interfered with the lives and work of ordinary beat cops and the detectives of the major crimes unit. The point was: Batman wasn’t going to change, and though he might rarely appear in the series, he wasn’t going to go away. The characters in Gotham Central have to navigate the effects of his existence in nearly everything they do, from hiring a permanent temp to turn on the Batsignal because doing so isa massive legal liability for a city employee, to deciding whether to swallow their pride and morals and threaten to turn a suspect over to a lawless vigilante to get them to talk.

Instead of exciting me, the pitch here for Gotham just confuses me. So it’s about Gordon combating Batman’s villains. But not any of the really well known ones, because folks like the Joker and Two-Face have origins that are entirely caught up in their interactions with Batman. Is this going to turn into a Smallville type situation where Gordon has been getting the occasional ominous playing card in the mail for seven seasons, and has a weirdly close friendship with an idiotic billionaire, but the show still isn’t allowed to actually dig into the stuff that’s made the setting so iconic? It’s also a bit unclear, for example, what Ra’s al Ghul, Catwoman, Bane, and any number of other Batman villains even represent without him as an opposing force. On the other hand… James Gordon and friends vs. Bane and Talia al Ghul were the most interesting parts of The Dark Knight Rises.

I’m all for some kind of Gotham-based procedural. Wait, let me rephrase that. A Gotham-set procedural cop/lawyers drama would be like air to me. But the primary reason I’m interested in it is for what it has the potential to say about superheroes, for the potential it has to build outward from the usual kind of superhero story and say things about the place of the ordinary person and their efforts in a world where a single person could lift the Costa Concordia out of the ocean in minutes. If you remove the superhero from that equation, you’ve just got James Gordon fighting corruption on one side, the mobs on the other, and maybe the Ventroloquist or Poison Ivy to boot. I’m not saying that’s a bad show, but I don’t think it’s one that lives up to the potential of the setting.

Oh, and you should probably update that list you’ve been keeping of things that Warner Bros. has developed for a full series production before Wonder Woman. Oh, and this show has one way to guarantee that I will watch every episode no matter what, and that is making Renee Montoya a lead castmember.

(via Deadline.)

HEY EUROPE! Come see me!

Rush succeeds not just because of what it is but because of what it isn't. A sports drama based on a true story, the film mostly stays away from the clichés that make fact-based sports movies so familiar. No rooting interests, no inspirational speeches, no feel-good message about the triumph of the human spirit: Rush plays against conventions and is all the more rewarding for it.

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I’ve learned to ignore Rick Reilly by now, which is made easier by the fact that he blocked me on Twitter.  He gets paid a lot of money to write columns that your dad might laugh at.  Whatever, he’s the sports world’s version of NCIS or How I Met Your Mother.

But ho-lee shit.  His column on the Redskins name change is so tone deaf, slapdash and insensitive that ESPN could try to get out of its (sigh) contract renewal with him by firing him for cause.  He makes Andrew Sharp’s Hot Sports Takes look like the Paris Review.  Let’s take a look at the carnage.

I guess this is where I’m supposed to fall in line and do what every other American sports writer is doing. I’m supposed to swear I won’t ever write the words “Washington Redskins” anymore because it’s racist and offensive and a slap in the face to all Native Americans who ever lived. Maybe it is.

Yeah, nobody ever said that it’s a slap in the face to all Native Americans who ever lived.  Nobody even says that about the n-word and African Americans.

I just don’t quite know how to tell my father-in-law, a Blackfeet Indian. He owns a steak restaurant on the reservation near Browning, Mont. He has a hard time seeing the slap-in-the-face part.

“The whole issue is so silly to me,” says Bob Burns, my wife’s father and a bundle holder in the Blackfeet tribe. “The name just doesn’t bother me much.”

Congrats to him.  There are plenty of other Native Americans who find the name a horrible reminder of 400 years of genocide and marginalization based on skin color.  As Sherman Alexie put it “[I]t’s almost like Indians can easily survive the big stuff. Mass murder, loss of language and land rights. It’s the small things that hurt the most. The white waitress who wouldn’t take an order, Tonto, the Washington Redskins.”

Reilly then goes on to mention three high school football teams who use the nickname.  Can’t wait to see his next expose on the reasonable parking prices at Fedex Field!

And even though an Annenberg Public Policy Center poll found that 90 percent of Native Americans were not offended by the Redskins name, and even though linguists say the “redskins” word was first used by Native Americans themselves, and even though nobody on the Blackfeet side of my wife’s family has ever had someone insult them with the word “redskin,” it doesn’t matter. There’s no stopping a wave of PC-ness when it gets rolling.

Ah yes, the Annenberg Poll that every Redskins defender trots out.  Leave out the fact that if 10% of any minority group is offended by your team name that’s still a major problem.  The poll also happens ten years old and its methodology was terrible.  But hey, screw those 10% of Native Americans, aka WUSSES.

I mean, when media stars like USA Today’s Christine Brennan, a white woman from Ohio, and Peter King, a white man from Massachusetts, have jumped on a people’s cause, there’s no going back.

Why the fuck can’t a non-racial minority feel empathy for a minority group?  I can imagine Rick Reilly writing about the civil rights movement.  ”What are Walter Reuther and Nicholas Katzenbach doing standing up for those damn negroes?  They’re both white guys from the north, what do they know about the South’s problems?  They’d rather be picking cotton, at least that’s what my black friend told me!”

Oh, and King is actually from Connecticut.  Again, Rick Reilly has never been good with facts.

Guess we need to listen to people who are offended by the Kansas City Chiefs‘ name, too. That’s one that offends my father-in-law. “You see some little guy wearing a headdress made of chicken feathers,” he says, “painting his face up, making a mockery of us. I hate that. Those are things you earn.”

Wait, so your father-in-law isn’t offended by Redskins fan who does the same exact thing?

One person? I know an atheist who is offended by religious names like the New Orleans Saints and Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. There are people who who don’t think Ole Miss should be the Rebels. People who lost family to Hurricanes. There are people who think Wizards promotes paganism. Shall we listen to all of them?

Hey look, it’s a man who’s paid to write for a living who doesn’t understand context!  First of all, I’d love to see an actual atheist go on record and say he was actually offended by “Saints” and “Angels.”  Second, if he actually were offended, neither name distills centuries of ugliness and oppression into a word that some people simply cannot ignore without being reminded of those indignities being forced upon them.

Oh, and there’s the fact that Redskins is A FUCKING RACIAL SLUR.

Edmundo Macedo, vice president of ESPN’s Stats & Information group, told ESPN ombudsman Robert Lipsyte that the term Redskins is abhorrent. “We would not accept anything similar as a team nickname if it were associated with any other ethnicity or any other race,” Macedo said.

Oh, yes, we would.

In fact, ESPN and many other media companies cover the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, the Cleveland Indians and the Atlanta Braves without a single searing search of their social conscience.

Reilly’s totally abandoned logic now.  Macedo said that we would never accept a name like “Redskins” that referred to any other ethnic group and Reilly brings up…two other names that refer to Native Americans.  Oh, and the Notre Dame fighting Irish, a name that has never reminded anyone of reducing a person’s identity to their skin color.

Trust us. We know what’s best. We’ll take this away for your own good, and put up barriers that protect you from ever being harmed again.

Kind of like a reservation.

This sentence is a fireable offense.  The railroading of Native Americans into reservations upon removing them from their lands is one of our nation’s biggest embarrassments.  Reilly uses it as a fucking punch line.  He’s proven himself so insensitive throughout the article that it almost doesn’t shock by the end, but this is the equivalent of making sharecropping or concentration camps into kickers for a column.  Not only should Reilly be fired, but his editor should probably be fired for even letting this come to light.

Which is why I’d like to announce a brand new KSK policy.  The site will never refer to Rick Reilly by name again – it just offends too many people.  He will henceforth be known as The ESPN Columnist.  We want to be on the right side of history, after all.

Five years ago this week, David Foster Wallace took his own life. Twenty years earlier, before Wallace was widely known, he published a piece of original fiction in Playboy called “Late Night.” Alice Turner, Playboy’s fiction editor for 22 years, introduces the short story by remembering how she first came across the promising young writer. Enjoy the story in its entirety, and to read every article the magazine has ever published—from 1953 until today—visit the complete archive at iplayboy.com.

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“Can you believe this?” - these goats.

This goat who can't believe he gets to spend his day jumping on this bed and not having responsibilities.

ask-usedkirby.tumblr.com

This goat who physically cannot handle the information that she is a goat and doesn't have to follow any rules.

ask-usedkirby.tumblr.com

This long-horned goat who really wants this ice to understand that he is a goat and therefore can do whatever the hell he pleases.

tumblr.4gifs.com

This super happy little goat.

ask-usedkirby.tumblr.com

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