Mascots are creepy. They have big heads, dead soulless eyes, and do not make noise. They are terrifying. Some, however, are more terrifying than others. While there are those that are merely make us a bit uncomfortable, some are otherworldly horrors that haunt you for years.
The NFL has 28 mascots. The only teams without these bastions of terror are the Jets, Giants, Packers, and Redskins. The Packers unofficial mascot is a giant cheese sausage. The Jets had Fireman Ed, sort of. The Giants have every Italian named Tony. The Redskins, well, with that name I’m just glad they don’t have a mascot because I’m sure it would be awful.
As for the rest of them, lets take a look as these monstrosities:
Toro is adorable. Look at how happy he is. Toro isn’t creepy; he’s just glad to be alive. Toro had a run in with cancer at a young age and didn’t expect to live, then pulled through and is now cancer free. He now lives his life to the fullest. An eternal optimist, you can only hate Toro if you have no soul. LOOK AT THAT FACE AWW I JUST WANNA PINCH IT.
27. Sir Purr
Sir Purr is harmless. He has an innocent cuteness to him.
Rampage is kinda weird but he’s not terribly creepy. He’s like that kid who ate his boogers in school, but not quite the kid who wore all black, missed half of classes, smoked, and didn’t come back at all one day. Nah, he’s just kinda weird. Probably in the yearbook club.
25. Big Red
Big Red isn’t too creepy. He looks pretty friendly, but he also looks like he does CrossFit and won’t shut up about it. Will likely come up to you in the gym locker room while naked and try to have a conversation and act like it isn’t weird.
24. Who Dey
Named after the chant of bastardized English said by Bengals fans everywhere, Who Dey isn’t too creepy. Tigers are cute and the happy grin, whiskers and white fuzz gives a nice charm to this fellow. He looks like your well-meaning aunt at thanksgiving that you don’t want to talk to, but don’t feel particularly threatened by.
23. Billy Buffalo
The Bills mascot isn’t too creepy. Buffalo are big lumbering dopey animals, and making it a funny color of blue lessens the creep factor. The Bills as a team give fans enough nightmares already; there’s no need for the mascot to add to that.
The Titans of Tennessee’s mascot, who before this article I have never even heard of, is named T-Rac, which seems to be short for Terrible Racoon. This is Nashville, Tennessee. Why is the mascot not Elvis? Anyway the mascot is fairly generic and forgettable, just like the Titans.
Roary is a big pussycat, except if you’re Jamaal Charles. He’s not too creepy but you probably don’t want your kid making friends with him and inviting him over.
20. Staley Da Bear
Staley is just sick of your sh*t. He’s had enough. He’s an old bear. He’s tired. He’s sick of people. He’s two weeks from retirement and he’s not going to let you f*ck this up for him, so stay out of his way. You’ve heard the stories of his early days in the mascot force, didn’t you? The rumors of his brutality and what he’s gotten away with? Best just to steer clear.
Swoop is a troubled bird. Spending so long on the endangered list made him edgy, and he had to kill some people to survive. Now he has a taste for blood. He wants to contain it, to be a normal bird again… but he lost his innocence. He cannot fight his urges. He must feed.
18. Jaxson De Ville
First off, we don’t know if Jaxson will even come back as the man who’s been in the suit called it quits after 19 years of bungee jumps, paintballs, ebola towels and general tomfoolery. But if Jaxson’s legacy carries on, he’s still not even that creepy. Jaxson is a bro. He’s the guy in your friend circle who would do anything on a bet. Ride a shopping cart down the hill, streak through the girls dorms, throw up at every party. If you woke up in the middle of the night to see Jaxson at the foot of your bed, it’s probably because he’s drunk and forgot which room was his.
The result of genetic experiments and the star of several SyFy originals, T.D. (or Terrible Dolphin) will take his giant foam mouth and attempt to consume your head. Everyone will laugh, but when your head is in there getting foam eaten you’ll get this weird vibe that he’s actually legitimately trying to eat you and may come back to find you when you’re alone and cut you into little pieces so he can fit them in his mouth easier.
16. KC Wolf
KC Wolf looks like Wily Coyote suffering from CTE after all those knocks to the head from anvils and giant hammers. His eyes don’t look ahead and he probably doesn’t know what he’s doing. He’s more doofy than creepy, but his freakishly long neck does impose some creep factor. Also why is his unibrow brown when nothing else on him is? Well unless the carpet matches the… blinds? I guess?
Chomps has a friendly dog mouth, though there is hate in his eyes. The hate of a dogman that likes you, but wants to fight you and he won’t play fair. He’s jealous of you. He wants you gone. He’s just waiting for his moment. Also why does he have the most ineffective helmet ever?
14. Sourdough Sam
Why are all the human mascots so damn creepy? This guy looks like the uncle that used to touch you. Uncle Sam, why?
13. Captain Fear
Captain Fear might be the human mascot that had the greatest potential for creep factor, or awesome factor, but really he just looks like he’s about to piss himself. Apparently his name refers to his own terrified nature.
Blitz has a knowing grin. He knows he has control over you. He knows you can’t run, and he knows you know you can’t run. He’s toying with you, letting you worry yourself down. That’s when the experiments begin.
11. Freddie Falcon
I’ll be honest, I didn’t know the Falcons had a mascot, or that it would look like someone gave a dead brown bush owl eyes. Freddie looks like you’d stumble upon him in the backroom of a party doing something unspeakable and then try to get you involved.
10. Raider Rusher
You know that horrible comic/Saturday morning cartoon NFL RUSH ZONE? Yeah, the Raiders literally lifted their mascot from that. Of course, the show is filled with creepy team monster people who are heads with limbs. That’s a great image to sell young children!
The Vikings effectively have two mascots, Ragnar (Who is just a human being dressed as a Viking) and Viktor, the standard big headed creepy thing. Viktor looks like Hulk Hogan went into a super soldier program and gave himself heightened, unquenchable aggression and he just broke free of his containment cell and the power cut out and HE’S COMING HE ALREADY KILLED DOCTOR MAGNUS
Rowdy is that creepy kid who works down on “that” farm with “that” family. The kind of family that always talks about what a good boy Rowdy is when he brings home his latest kidnapping victim for their Sunday meal. Oooh… he’s such a good boy, my Rowdy… he cares about his mama *CHOP CHOP*
7. Sir Saint
The Saints have two mascots, Sir Saint, seen here in all his ball chinned glory, and Gumbo, a lovable saint Bernard who would easily be ranked “least creepy mascot” if I included him on this list. So I didn’t and went with the elephant man. Sir Saint lives in that big old Victorian house at the end of Hallow’s Court, you know the one with the ivy covering the big black gates. Nobody’s seen him for years, but teenagers like to play a game of how long can you stay in his yard without running away… and that’s when he is seen. A freakish monster of a man, more tumor than human. He hasn’t caught anyone yet… that you know of.
What the hell. Look at that head. It’s almost xenomorph-esque in shape and size. Why is it angry? Why does it not have individual teeth? Stop looking at me like that! Stop it! Get away, get away now! HORSES AREN’T SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE SEXUAL PREDATORS.
Blue is a thing of nightmares. The eyes don’t look the same way. It looks mentally challenged but strong. The jaw… WHY IS THE LOWER LIP SEPARATE FROM THE JAW. This may look goofy and silly but this is the kind of mascot you see down a dark alley doing something weird with it’s back turned to you, and when you try to get a closer look, the head slowly turns around and oh god there’s blood everywhere oh god what happened to that man’s face HE SEES YOU OH GOD RUN
The Ravens used to have Edgar, Allen and Poe as a mascot trio but decided they only wanted to pay one guy now, so they narrowed it to Poe. Poe kind of looks like those creepy old doctor masks but with even less soul in the eyes. Poe will totally be a friendly guy during the day, but if you came across this guy alone at night, you’re probably going to die.
3. Steely McBeam
The blue-collar version of Pat Patriot. Steely looks like a dad who just randomly snapped and murdered his whole family with a steel pylon. He buries the bodies in the foundations of his buildings. You can run from him and try to escape in the abandoned steel mill, but THIS IS HIS TERRITORY. That’s when you get lost in the maze of production lines and you end up next to the smelter and you see the bones of his previous victims around you, and you know he just led you right where he wanted you
2. Pat Patriot
He’s required by law to tell you he’s a registered sex offender, but it’s likely he won’t even get that far because if you open your door to him it’s already too late, your body will be found, deflated, floating in the river missing several vital organs the following week.
1. Bolt Man
It’s too late. You tried to stop it. You tracked Dr. Richards all over rural Europe to the abandoned castle, and you thought you could make it and interrupt the ceremony before it could be completed. But it was too late, and he has been summoned. The sky opens, large tentacles come down from on high, grabbing the cult members and tearing them to pieces. Lightning strikes the ground all over. The castle splits open and begins to fall into a gaping pit of fire. You run. You run, but that’s when Richards appears in front of you, chanting the glory of his god, his god that is now upon you. You hear a sound that you’ve never heard before and never wish to hear again. Richards looks beyond you, a smile upon his face, a mind so far gone from the realms of comprehension. “HE HAS COME” Richards screams, and he is lifted into the air. His eyes explode, his body begins to ripple and he explodes into red ash. It falls down on you. You can’t move. You sit there, breathing, hearing the otherworldly sounds coming closer. It’s too late. With your final move you turn to face it. Everything turns black.
He has come indeed.
So next week I’ll do NFL Mascot Mouth Eyes.