At the 2014 Emmys, Jimmy Kimmel promised us that Tracy Morgan would be back onstage next year, and last night, Morgan made good on that promise, presenting the final Emmy of the night. Of course, his touching speech focused on the June 2014 car accident that put him in an eight-day coma, and the 15 months of recovery that came after. He had a long road, but the speech was pretty convincing proof that the comedian is back. Why? Because as he joked, “A whole lotta women gonna get pregnant at the afterparty.” It’s so good to hear him deliver that old line again.
They are all insane people. Even poor, stressed-out, occasionally lucid-seeming John Kasich: bonkers. Pathology is contextual, and one simply does not bring reasonable takes like Actually, the deal with Iran is okay, provided we do the diligence of enforcing it, just like pretty much every other deal ever to a presidential debate stage in the Time of the Donald.
It’s awesome that Chris Bosh is still playing basketball. As you may recall, Bosh sat out the second half of last season when doctors discovered blood clots in his lungs. He’ll be good to go for the 2015-16 season.
In the meantime, Bosh decided to play a little one-on-one with 30 members of the crew from The Late Late Show with James Corden. Bosh called the segment “1-on-30,” but it’s basically him blocking everybody’s weak attempts to score on him. Eventually, Bosh starts to get bored and pretends to talk on his cellphone and generally not give a damn about what’s going on.
The Late Late Show
Still, Bosh blocks shot after shot until the entire crew shoots their collective basketballs at once. It’s just another reason why Bosh is America’s NBA sweetheart.
That and this:
Never change Chris Bosh, and welcome back.
Taco Bell is one of the few old-style American fast-food chains still thriving in a reshaped marketplace that increasingly rewards freshness, quality, and nutrition—or at least the perceptions thereof—rather than simply the thrift, speed, and suspect beef upon which the industry was built. The faux-Mexican monolith’s sales were up 9 percent in the second quarter of 2015, even as their traditional rivals were struggling to appease an uppity new generation of fast-foodies who demand finer things such as lean protein, mixed greens, and fighting chances at 60th birthdays.
When last we met , Jonathan Franzen had mucked up the early pages of his novel Purity with repeated appraisals of the sex appeal of his main character, Pip. I was creeped out, but leaving room for the possibility that Franzen might be up to something that would redeem—or at least make some sense of—all the leering. Maybe it was some kind of writerly device!
This is quality material.
Chris Berman: While he was a coaching intern, Tomsula earned money on the side as a battery separator.
Trent Dilfer: Is that right Chris?
Chris Berman: Yep, Trent. He used to go through used batteries and pick out ones that had a bit of charge left in ‘em.
NFL season is officially upon us, and it’s already getting weird even before kickoff. Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Antonio Brown debuted a new haircut during the pre-game show prior to Thursday’s season opener in New England, and it’s probably nothing you’ve ever seen before.
Brown’s new ‘do is a flat top that resembles something between a Tetris piece and the top of a Lego person’s head. It’s a bizarre look, and Brown is probably lucky he gets to wear a helmet for a living.
— Don Harper (@thedon_73) September 11, 2015
Barber: Whatchu want? Antonio Brown: You know those pedestals for 1st, 2nd and 3rd place? Barber: Say no more, fam pic.twitter.com/FxZrmgmngQ
— Jonathan Jones (@jjones9) September 11, 2015
According to a recent study on this very website, quite a few people make serious life decisions under the influence of alcohol. Go figure! On Friday, we asked our readers to tell us about the craziest things they’ve bought while drunk, and among the usual stuff (tattoos, memorabilia, and a subscription to the Dairy Goat Journal), we found a bunch of purchases signify major life milestones. Some people bought engagement rings or paid for weddings , others bought cars, and one guy bought a whole house to live in. We’ve compiled their stories below.
Hahaha this is great.
And just like that, another football season is upon us. Week 1 is already (almost) in the books, and just like that, we’re forced to question things we knew for sure just last week. But we’ll leave the armchair analysis to others. We’ve got a different thought exercise: Which bands represent your favorite NFL team? As in, which musicians and teams share either the same traits, story, or at the very least, some sort of similarity?
Buffalo Bills: Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds
This is about the trash-talking, boisterous and unapologetically blunt dudes running these ships (Bills coach Rex Ryan and Noel Gallagher). Both are keen on making big claims and dismissing their rivals. Ryan and Gallagher have also both moved on to new projects after leaving the ones that made them household names.
Miami Dolphins: Katy Perry
New York Jets: Azealia Banks
Sure, they’ve had some success, but ultimately they are both best known for the drama they create and the drama that surrounds them.
New England Patriots: Nicki Minaj
Incredibly talented, incredibly successful, incredibly controversial. In addition to that, both the Pats and Minaj aren’t afraid to call out their detractors from time to time, whether it’s Minaj’s now famous “Miley, what’s good?” comment at the MTV VMAs or Tom Brady encouraging the Baltimore Ravens to read the rule book before they complain about things. And hey, neither is beholden to a specific genre or style of play. They can beat you in a variety of different ways.
Baltimore Ravens: Foo Fighters
The Ravens and Foos are both in the midst of a solid run of sustained success, and while not considered “great,” are definitely chalked up as “really, really good.” But what also connects them is that both came from the ashes of past bands/teams. The Ravens escaped Cleveland to become the Ravens, while Foo Fighters were created after Kurt Cobain’s suicide and the subsequent dissolving of Nirvana.
Cincinnati Bengals: Ed Sheeran
It’s all about the power of the ginger. It is a force strong in both. It compels Sheeran to write songs gals swoon over and Bengals quarterback Andy Dalton to be a decent enough play at quarterback in your fantasy football league if your main quarterback has a bye week.
Cleveland Browns: Maroon 5
Hey, they’re both fronted by tabloid-fodder white dudes (Johnny Manziel, Adam Levine) and those are the only two people anyone knows in their respective units. No, really. I dare you to name either another member of Maroon 5 or someone else on the Browns.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Taylor Swift
Everyone at the very least likes the Steelers (unless you’re a fan of another AFC North team) and everyone at the very least likes Swift (unless your Team Katy Perry.) You can’t argue with the general consensus.
Houston Texans: Beyonce
J.J. Watt can’t be stopped. He is a force of nature. You know who else can’t be stopped and is a force of nature? Yup, you guessed it.
Indianapolis Colts: Sublime With Rome
Replacing a popular front man or franchise quarterback is no small feat, yet the surviving members of Sublime and the Colts were able to pull it off, albeit to varying levels of success. I never claimed that these comparisons were 100 percent accurate.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Insane Clown Posse
Neither are relevant, their fans are often the butt of jokes, and both are popular in obscure parts of northeast Florida.
Tennessee Titans: Dan Auerbach
Kind of a stretch, but both the Titans and Auerbach left their respected homes and moved to Nashville. And Nashville is a fun city. So, yeah. Check out that Arcs record. It’s pretty good. Also, check out Nashville. It tops the list of my Favorite U.S. Cities to Spend a Weekend In.
Denver Broncos: Coldplay
The Broncos are good, but they are not great. Something is missing with the Broncos, something that allows them to take it to that next level. And yes, you could say the same exact things about Coldplay.
Kansas City Chiefs: Phish
They both have rabid fan bases that make lots of noise, ferociously defend their squad, and love a good midnight snack.
Oakland Raiders: Red Hot Chili Peppers
Listen, I still love the Chili Peppers, but you have to admit that their best days are behind them. You know, kind of like the Raiders are. But in their heyday, both were a lot of fun.
San Diego Chargers: Sam Smith
Successful? Yes. Exciting? Nope.
Dallas Cowboys: Macklemore & Ryan Lewis
Just because you’ve won some games or some Grammys doesn’t mean people are going to take you seriously. You need to do a little more than rack up 12 wins one time in five seasons or conquer pop radio with a couple of songs that are rap in the loosest sense of the word if you want some real respect.
New York Giants: Mumford & Sons
This is about looking to change who you are, flip that identity a little bit. Mumford & Sons recently went electric after doing that folk thing with the acoustic guitars and stomping kick drum. And the Giants… yeah, you’ve won a couple Super Bowls in recent years, but I think we can all agree that defense mostly won those championships. And now that defense is pretty much long gone and it’s all about Odell Beckham, Jr.
Philadelphia Eagles: Kanye West
The Eagles and Mr. West like to think they are different, that they are original and innovators. No one is doing what they are doing because no one is able to do what they do.
Washington Redskins: Iggy Azalea
It’s hard to discuss either the Redskins or Azalea without bringing up their frequent bouts with racial insensitivity. One is routinely chastised for co-opting another race and another is routinely lambasted for denigrating an entire culture. I think we can all agree that a re-branding would benefit them both.
Chicago Bears: Luke Bryan
Country music and Chicago Bears football are treasured American institutions. Yet the purists on behalf of each would argue that obnoxious white dudes with cocky attitudes and backward hats (see: Cutler, Jay) are ruining both. I would be inclined to agree. I would also be inclined to assume that Jay Cutler loves jamming out to Bryan’s “That’s My Kind of Night.”
Detroit Lions: Bruno Mars
Flashy, fun to watch, beneficial if you’re at a wedding or playing fantasy football. But neither are title contenders. They are just pure entertainment.
Green Bay Packers: Pearl Jam
Not a lot of flash here. They just get the job done – whether it’s continuing to be one of the last great American rock bands or one of the NFL’s flagship franchises. The Packers and Pearl Jam are entities of the people, too; the Packers are owned by them, Pearl Jam the voice of them. If aliens came to Earth and asked you to list some things you feel represent America, Pearl Jam and the Pack would be high up on that list. Right after fried foods, student-loan debt, and a cruelly divisive political system that is systematically crippling our government.
Minnesota Vikings: Chance The Rapper
Spunky youngsters with loads of potential.
Atlanta Falcons: The Weeknd
When I was watching The Weeknd perform at the Video Music Awards, it was kind of crazy to me how reliant the performance was on the backing track — which is weird, because apparently the Falcons are also reliant on a backing track. Theirs just happens to be crowd noise.
Carolina Panthers: The Killers
The Panthers have had a couple decent seasons, just like the Killers have had a couple decent songs/albums, but both hit their high-water mark in 2004. The Panthers reached the Super Bowl, losing to the New England Patriots, and the Killers released their debut album, Hot Fuss.
New Orleans Saints: Drake
Both involve a lot of emotions. Like, a lot of emotions.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Chris Brown
No matter how good Jameis Winston is this year, you’re not really going to want to root for him because of his checkered past. Kind of like how it doesn’t matter how much you like Brown’s “Beautiful People.” You’re not going to be like, Yeah I’m totally a Chris Brown fan, because he too has a checkered past, one that is hard to ignore no matter how talented he might be. At least for the time being, that same thing goes for Winston.
Arizona Cardinals: Queens of the Stone Age
Just some dudes, chilling out in the desert, minding their own business. Not bothering anyone.
San Francisco 49ers: Miley Cyrus
Miley and the Niners were both flying pretty high as recently as two or three years ago. Now, though? Both kind of trainwreck clown shows.
Seattle Seahawks: Justin Bieber
Both the Seahawks and Bieber are young and talented, full of promise. Got some drama there too, though. One is led by a dude who rarely talks (Marshawn Lynch), while the other is a dude who talks too much, even if it is more of an exasperated whine.
St. Louis Rams: Collective Soul
Did you know that Collective Soul are still making records and touring even though it’s been years since they were relevant? Did you know the Rams are still a team, even though it’s also been years since they were relevant? Crazy, huh?
Hovertext: Someone told me it was impossible to write new lawyer jokes, so I just stole a realllllly old one.
So Jonathan Franzen is doing kind of a weird thing in the early going of Purity, his latest novel. He’s not the first author to do a version of this weird thing, but the particular way he’s doing it, at least so far, made me want to write about it now, before I’ve finished the entire book.
That's some good dog hustle.
This is pure exhilaration. This is pure life. This, if Taylor Swift were writing about it, would just have the words “squad goals” written over and over again with a few emoji and hashtags thrown in. This dog is living your best life and you didn’t even know it.
All dogs are good dogs. This is objective fact and I will not hear any arguments against it. But some dogs, like Miss Babe Ruth of Greensboro, N.C., are better dogs. Since she was a nine-month-old puppy, the black labrador retriever has worked for the Class A Greensboro Grasshoppers, living up to her breed’s namesake and doing some retrieving.
Who’s ready for a big, fat line of pure, uncut Americana? If you answered “yes” or “no” or did not answer at all out of fear and/or confusion, you’re in luck! Because it’s Fair Season, people, and you’re all invited. So grab your taste for sodium nitrates, and let’s get moving.
By all accounts, Wes Craven was a lovely human being: a mild professorial type who made the people around him comfortable. In interviews, he came off as an excellent teller of dad jokes, and did not have an intimidating or particularly unsettling presence. But in three successive decades, the writer/director/auteur discovered new ways to creep into people’s heads and play around with their nerves, pointedly changing the entire horror-movie game thrice: first with the sheer brutality of 1972’s The Last House on the Left, then with the iconic villain of 1984’s A Nightmare on Elm Street, and finally by creating a new meta-horror cult with 1996’s Scream. Last night, as news spread that the 76-year-old horror savant had died of brain cancer at his home in Los Angeles, my immediate response was that of disbelief coupled with that weird rush of gratitude you have when someone who made great things passes away. Craven fucked with our heads so gleefully and mercilessly so many times over the years. How could he just ... die?
This is SO worth the read.
USA TODAY Sports
Ciara’s boyfriend Russell Wilson, also known as the quarterback of the Seattle Seahawks, said some interesting things about brain injuries while hawking a new product in which he’s invested, Reliant Recovery Water. Not interesting in the educational sense, mind you — in fact, pretty much the opposite of that. Basically, he pulled a Dr. Oz while he was talking to Rolling Stone:
[Recovery Water has] nanobubbles and electrolytes that purportedly helps people recover quickly from workouts and, according to Wilson, injury. He mentions a teammate whose knee healed miraculously, and then he shares his own testimonial.
“I banged my head during the Packers game in the playoffs, and the next day I was fine,” says Wilson. “It was the water.”
Rodgers offers a hasty interjection. “Well, we’re not saying we have real medical proof.”
But Wilson shakes his head, energized by the subject. He speaks with an evangelist’s zeal.
“I know it works.” His eyes brighten. “Soon you’re going to be able to order it straight from Amazon.”
Leaving aside the snake-oil speech for the product with dubious (imaginary?) health benefits, did Russ just say he had a head injury and didn’t do anything about it but drink nanobubble water? That’s what people wanted to know when Rolling Stone‘s profile was published on Wednesday, so Russ naturally had to clarify that no, he didn’t have a concussion — though he still has no idea about the science of brain injuries (or hydration):
“I didn’t have a concussion,” Wilson said. “I guess it was perceived wrong. I did not have a concussion. I was saying that I had been consistently drinking the water for a month and a half — five, seven times a day. And I was like, ‘Man, maybe this stuff is helping me out.’ ”
Wilson said teammates like Kam Chancellor and Russell Okung also use the water.
“I didn’t have a head injury, but what I was trying to say is I think it helped prevent it,” he said. “I think your brain consists of like 75, 80 percent water, so I think that just being hydrated, drinking the recovery water really does help.”
That sound you just heard was the sound of everyone who knows the first thing about biology slamming their heads against their desks. “Well, your body’s mostly water, so superwater must make your body better!” is just about as dumb as “You only use 10 percent of your brain!” AND SO HELP ME IF YOU STILL THINK THAT IS TRUE. SO HELP ME.
Russell, we all understand that you have products you want to promote, but do not sell this kind of crap to actual reporters who put it on the internet. Save it for the 4 a.m. infomercials in which you’d surprisingly show up and convince half-asleep people that your shiny teeth can’t tell lies.
HAHAHA FUCKING AMAZING
This is a pretty good week for young people doing awesome sports things. First we had the high-schooler who put on an absolute clinic while nailing 120 three-pointers in 5 minutes; now we have this Pee-Wee quarterback who might also be a spectacular magician.
In the spectacular clip above, you’ll see this little dude channel his inner Houdini and escape what looks to be a surefire sack, then scramble before airing out an excellent toss on the run to one of his receivers for one of the funnest touchdowns you’ll see for a while. He’s basically Michael Vick from Madden 2004, so this team is a filthy cheater for using him.
(Via SB Nation)
I agree with this opinion.
There is a man who, through repeated experimentation, figured out how to get a bigger Chipotle burrito without paying more. Several of you have emailed me about how terrible he is, and ordinarily, I’d be all over that. Just one problem, though: absolutely nothing he suggests is terrible in any way.