Shared posts

03 Aug 04:00

Driving

Sadly, it probably won't even have enough gas to make it to the first border crossing.
30 Jul 18:35

Hulk Hogan’s Latest Spiel Combines Racism And Dorky Dad-Talk In One Mortifying Package

by Nathan Birch
Krankota

A) Hulk Hogan is a real shitbag.
B) "Hope we don't die and come back as black people" is the most amazing possible thing he could have said at that exact moment. Even just losing track of his thoughts and running down the Iron Sheik could not have been better.
C) "Blizz pizz." smdh white people.

WLhogan4

Hulk Hogan via YouTube


Well, you know how it goes, another day, another batch of racially-charged Hulk Hogan comments. I have a feeling these stories may continue seep out for some time. The latest damaging comments come from a jailhouse conversation Hogan had with his son Nick back in 2008 (can’t blame Gawker for this one). Nick was of course serving time on a reckless driving charge, after the crash that left his friend John Graziano disabled for life.

Before you read any further, a warning: This conversation is pretty mortifying. Both because it’s totally racially insensitive, and because Hulk comes off as the most cringeworthy, uncool “cool dad” in history. Get ready to be red in the face from anger and second-hand embarrassment. Here’s the conversation, courtesy of Bay News 9

Hulk: You and me ‘been sitting on some serious phone, phone dialogue here, n*gga.

Nick: Yeah, nibb-ah.

Hulk: N*gga, n*gga, that means, that means you’re my best friend.

Hulk: You know that God gave you this vibe and this, this, energy that you and I are going to live forever, bro. I just hope we don’t come back as a couple, I don’t want to say it, blizz-ack gizz-uys, you know what I’m saying?

Nick: Brutal [Nick and Hulk laugh].

Nick: It’s down in St. Pete, and it’s mixed-race, and we get along with everybody, so that’s fine.

Hulk: Your mom went there and said it was mainly blizz, you know what I’m sizz-aying?

Nick: Mm-hm.

Hulk: And that some of the ladies there that, you know, run the school are nice blizz lizz-adies, you know?

Nick: Mm-hm… I would go down there, I would make friends with all those kids down there. I guarantee it. Because you know how all the blizz pizz love us.

Blizz pizz? What are you even talking about? You can almost write this off as a wildly out-of-touch old man trying to relate to his horrible son, but then there’s the part where Hulk is just, “Hope we don’t die and come back as black people!” out of nowhere. I’m pretty sure a person who’s not racist never has a gem like that even cross their mind.

Keep it tuned for all the latest news on Hulk Hogan being a guy you’d never, ever want to hang out with.

via Bay News 9

29 Jul 15:19

The Royals Are Obsessed With "Trap Queen"

by Barry Petchesky
Krankota

Ha! This is great.

The competition for song of the summer was over last winter: it’s Fetty Wap’s “Trap Queen,” and I will brook no dissent on this. It’s also Royals outfielder Lorenzo Cain’s walk-up music, and a refrain from it has infiltrated the Kansas City clubhouse, to the consternation of reporters:

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28 Jul 06:00

Pedro Martinez’s Hall Of Fame Induction Is A Reminder Of This Sandra Bullock Sex Story

by Andrew Roberts
Krankota

This will always make me laugh. Forever.

Houston Astros v Boston Red Sox

Getty Image


Pedro Martinez deservedly entered the Baseball Hall of Fame on Sunday, putting a cherry on top of a career that saw him dominant while also having a pretty good time (except for that one time he was caught at a cock fight). But as Sam Laird points out over at Mashable, the date of Martinez’s induction hold the key to a pretty humorous story involving Pedro and an interview with Sports Illustrated for Kids.

As it turns out, Sunday was also Sandra Bullock’s birthday and Martinez shared a very revealing tidbit about Bullock with the magazine as covered in the book Feeding the Monster: How Money, Smarts, and Nerve Took a Team to the Top by Seth Mnookin:

The SI for Kids reporter asked Martinez his favorite color, according to Mnookin.

“Green,” Martinez answered.

The reporter asked Martinez his favorite book, according to Mnookin.

“Whatever,” Martinez answered.

The reporter asked Martinez if he had a secret ambition, according to Mnookin.

“I would like to fuck Sandra Bullock,” Martinez answered, grinning…

Then the reporter asked the same question again, expecting a better reply.

Martinez had indeed rethought his answer.

“I would like to sleep with Sandra Bullock,” he said.

That’s why Pedro Martinez is probably the last of a certain breed of baseball player. I have my dreams that he and Manny Ramirez can team and start their own restaurant together now that both are out of baseball and living the good life. Then I remember that Manny is probably somewhere eating cereal and staring at cloud to be bothered with running a restaurant.

Still, as pointed out at Mashable, it’s funny how little tidbits like this seem to sync up over time. Happy little accidents as Bob Ross would say.

(Via Mashable)

29 Jul 16:06

The Aging Rock

by Reza

the-aging-rock

27 Jul 14:40

Things Went Hilariously Wrong In This Minor League Appliance Race

by isaacand



Ah, minor-league baseball… home to ridiculous promos, outrageous food and the 7th-inning race chock-full of people in costumes running around and embarrassing themselves. In this video from the West Michigan Whitecaps, three children dress up as appliances in the DTE Energy “Home Gas Showdown.” Yes, you read that right. Appliances… a dryer, a range and a hot-water heater.

Look how happy they are.

appliance race

West Michigan Whitecaps


Right off the bat, things go sideways when the range face-plants in spectacular fashion.

minor-league-blooper-1

West Michigan Whitecaps


Then, the dryer followed suit.

dryer-blooper

West Michigan Whitecaps



Then BAH GAWD, that hot-water heater has a family. Take it away, Jim Ross.

Congratulations to the dryer for its perseverance, and its ability to fight through the minefield known as the “Home Gas Showdown.”

(H/t: Rook_SpartyOn)

27 Jul 16:03

Kidnapped

by Reza

kidnapped

27 Jul 16:26

I Am Cait Treats Everyone With Dignity, Including You

by Leslie Horn
Krankota

This is a good article.

I Am Cait, the new E! series that follows Caitlyn Jenner in her new life post-gender transition, premiered last night. If you’ve been following the story on magazine covers and angry dudes’ Twitter feeds and so forth, nothing that happens in the first episode was much of a surprise: As promised , Caitlyn meets her daughter Kylie for the first time, and reveals herself to her mother. What is refreshing is that the network behind such progressive entertainment as What Would Ryan Lochte Do? could offer us a dignified, uplifting look at a real transgender person’s day-to-day existence.

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24 Jul 04:00

Exoplanet Names 2

Krankota

Hahaha! This is great.

I'm going to drive this Netherlands joke so far into the ground they'll have to build levees around it to keep the sea out.
22 Jul 19:21

The Moon

by Reza

date-the-moon

21 Jul 17:02

Bear Chows Down On A Buncha Dog Food, Passes Out

by Tom Ley
Krankota

Aww. Nice bear.

The beautiful lug you see in the picture above is a good bear, who after munching at a 20-pound bag of dog food decided he needed to take himself a little post-meal nap.

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21 Jul 15:25

Batman Is A Corny Dingus, And Superman Should Whomp His Ass

by Albert Burneko
Krankota

This is a totally reasonable Batman Opinion and a pretty great Superman Opinion.

As the title suggests, the upcoming stupid-ass movie Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice will feature Batman and Superman opposing each other, at least for a while, before they inevitably come together to form what will become the Justice League of America. I do not follow this garbage film franchise, because it is stupid, but Wikipedia tells me that this film shares a continuity with Man of Steel, the bad 2013 movie in which Superman saved Earth by punching down a bunch of tall buildings with people in them and then snapping the bad guy’s spine with his hands.

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17 Jul 18:43

Begging

by Reza

begging1

17 Jul 14:12

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal - Quantum Gravity

by admin@smbc-comics.com

Hovertext: And why don't equatorial people float?


New comic!
Today's News:
15 Jul 19:00

The Pitch Meeting for Wishbone

by Abbey Fenbert
Krankota

So good.

VISIONARY: So there’s this dog.

PBS SUITS: We’re listening.

VISIONARY: And he loves books.

[nodding, nodding]

VISIONARY: He knows all about classic books.

SUIT #1: Adorable.

SUIT #2: Like a cartoon dog?

VISIONARY: No, no. A live Jack Russell Terrier.

[…]

VISIONARY: He belongs to a boy named Joe.

SUIT #1: Nice.

SUIT #3: And Joe reads him the books?

VISIONARY: No, Joe couldn’t care less about books.

SUIT #3: Oh. Okay.

VISIONARY: Joe and his friends’ day-to-day scrapes resemble the plotlines of great novels, and Wishbone like, picks up on it.

SUIT #2: Wishbone?

VISIONARY: The dog.

SUIT #2: Oh.

SUIT #3: The name seems like more of a turkey thing…?

SUIT #1: Should we name him something literary? Something like Dogstoyev-

VISIONARY: No. His name is Wishbone.

Read more The Pitch Meeting for Wishbone at The Toast.

16 Jul 14:00

How To Talk To Babies About Postmodernism

by Mallory Ortberg

BABY: [knocks plate off of table]
ME: that's right
in postmodernism we reject the notion of 'totality'

 

ME: what book do you want to read
do you want to read 'Go, Dog, Go' or 'Pat The Bunny'
BABY: buhh
ME: are you saying Bunny?
BABY: buhh
ME: that's right
resist the metanarrative
here is no such thing as outside-of-the-text
the dog can go nowhere

Read more How To Talk To Babies About Postmodernism at The Toast.

16 Jul 20:40

T.J. Oshie Sent A Huge Care Package To Cheer Up A Broken-Hearted Young Fan

by mrothstein914
Krankota

I'll always happily share good sports dudes doing cool things for adorable kids.

tj oshie

Getty Image


Young sports fans experiencing their first heartbreaks are always good, clean, family fun. Maybe it’s because they remind you, a more mature, cynical sports fan, of that special time in your life when you could actually feel something. One of the sharpest pains a young fan has to endure is that of your favorite player leaving your favorite team. It’s a cruel feeling of abandonment harmless enough for adults to smile at and put on YouTube.

Like this little St. Louis Blues fan, whose favorite player, American hero T.J. Oshie, was traded to the Washington Capitals on July 5:

Well, when Oshie and the Capitals saw a young fan torn between player and team, they pounced. Oshie sent Libby a massive care package of swag and blew her little mind:

Lots of people beyond the Caps saw that video, enough for its star, Libby Lu, to make it onto ESPN’s daytime programming, where she was suitably adorable. When asked why Oshie was her favorite player, she did us all proud by responding, “Because he gets in hockey fights.”

(Via Monumental Network)

07 Jul 15:30

NFL Starting Quarterbacks Ranked By How Good I Think They’d Be At Ranking Quarterbacks

by christmasape
Krankota

This is so dumb. I love it.

"Put Peyton there."

Getty Image

"Put Peyton there."


1. Sam Bradford

Knows all the quarterbacks and would give a fair assessment of their skills.

2. Drew Brees

Is old and smart. Surely knows his quarterbacks.

3. Cam Newton

Could make a fair quarterback list and be entertaining about it.

4. Alex Smith

He definitely knows all the quarterbacks but I worry he’s too nice and therefore concerned about offending people so there would likely be unnecessary ties.

5. Aaron Rodgers

Knows all the quarterbacks and has a good sense of their abilities, but I fear he wouldn’t take this seriously and would probably throw in a Princess Bride reference just to be cute.

6. Brian Hoyer

Has backed up enough quarterbacks to know which ones are good.

7. Carson Palmer

Veteran savvy and time spent watching the playoffs instead of participating makes him a formidable ranker.

8. Geno Smith

Remember, quarterback ability doesn’t correspond with quarterback ranking ability. I’ve seen Geno’s ranking in action and lemme tell ya, he can make all the rankings.

9. Tony Romo

Unfairly maligned ranking skills. History will remember him for his stellar ranking abilities.

10. Teddy Bridgewater

Small hands have me concerned he would struggle counting quarterbacks on his fingers, but otherwise solid.

11. Blake Bortles

Bortles had to crack the top 15 in something.

12. Andrew Luck

I assume he’d rather be ranking buildings, flying buttresses or other architecture stuff.

13. Matt Ryan

Knows all the quarterbacks and their level of skill, but holy sh*t, it would be a boring and predictable list.

14. Nick Foles

Nick Foles is required to either be ranked 14 or 22 on any list. I stick with my decision here.

15. Derek Carr

Clearly the superior ranker of the Carr brothers.

16. Joe Flacco

Really hard to tell whether this guy can rank quarterbacks or not. Sometimes yes. Sometimes no.

17. Philip Rivers

Is probably gonna throw Jesus and some of his 38 kids in there.

18. Peyton Manning

If this were a ranking of brands he endorsed, I’d feel better about his ability.

19. Robert Griffin III

Same.

20. Ryan Tannehill

It’s not a ranking of guns so Ryan takes a dip here.

21. Matt Stafford

Would inexplicably overrank obvious choices.

22. Marcus Mariota

Can’t trust a rookie to rank NFL quarterbacks.

23. Jameis Winston

Can’t trust a dumb rookie to rank NFL quarterbacks.

24. Jay Cutler

Wouldn’t care.

25. Russell Wilson

Would put God at no. 1

26. Matt Cassel

He’s Matt Cassel.

27. Johnny Manziel

Seems like a dude who might put himself at no. 1 for the hell of it.

28. Colin Kaepernick

Definitely a dude who would put himself at no. 1.

29. Tom Brady

Can’t be trusted.

30. Andy Dalton

Would do a decent job of ranking the first 24 or so then totally screw up the last eight. SMH Andy Dalton.

31. Eli Manning

Might not know all the quarterbacks.

32. Ben Roethlisberger

Absolutely doesn’t know all the quarterbacks.

15 Jul 23:18

Hark, A Vagrant: Bessie and Benkei




buy this print!

OH

Look who made good on a throwaway twitter mashup idea from 2013

It really doesn't make sense but their names sounded good together! I had a little time on this book deadline so I sketched it up quick for you. It was fun anyway!

Bessie

Benkei

I have started selling original art through The Beguiling store. This is new to me!

And as always, The Princess and the Pony is in stores. Here is a link roundup of related articles there! Some cool things in it, like a visit to Time magazine.

I didn't want a pony as a child, but I did want a cat really really bad. Here is a little comic about that cat.
15 Jul 16:38

I Don't Really Have Anything To Say About This White Kid's Bad Rap Song

by Tom Ley
Krankota

Fuckin white people, man. smdh

Like I said, I don’t really have anything to say about this, but I would like you to look at this screencap:

Read more...

15 Jul 16:51

Trainwreck Isn't A Revolutionary Romcom, But It Is A Great One

by Tim Grierson on The Concourse, shared by Rob Harvilla to Deadspin
Krankota

This seems fun. Unlikely to be like a "let's go to the theater" thing, but definitely worth Netflixing or whatever.

For a movie written by and starring a comedian whose standup upends sexual taboos and whose hit Comedy Central show often skewers different genres and pop-culture detritus, the most remarkable thing about Amy Schumer’s Trainwreck is how traditional it is. That’s not a criticism: Rather than trying to blow up and mock the romantic-comedy format, she and director Judd Apatow have constructed a smarter, funnier version of a familiar Hollywood staple. R-rated and tart as it is, this movie still has the same squishy heart and frank perspective on family and relationships that’s been a staple of Apatow’s more recent movies, except it doesn’t stare at its navel as distractingly as Funny People or This Is 40 did. Those who hoped that her first foray into movies would be as radical and bracing as Inside Amy Schumer may be disappointed. But at a time when a good romcom is practically an endangered species, Trainwreck is a blessed relief: It’s not tearing down the genre, it’s restoring it.

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14 Jul 21:13

Regardez cette ours polaire manger une baguette

by Dayna Evans on French Gawker, shared by Barry Petchesky to Deadspin

Regardez cette ours polaire manger une baguette

Regardez cette ours polaire manger une baguette


Images via Getty. Contact the author at dayna.evans@gawker.com.

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15 Jul 17:19

The Demon

by Reza

the-demon

13 Jul 15:21

Pizza Hut's Hot Dog Pizza Isn't Quite Gross Enough

by Will Gordon on Adequate Man, shared by Rob Harvilla to The Concourse

In this strange age of pizza shaming, when Pizzeria Uno has rebranded as Uno’s Chicago Grill, California Pizza Kitchen is deemphasizing flatbread in favor of tequila and quinoa, Domino’s is hawking cheesesteaks, and even Papa Goddamn John is hard-selling chicken poppers, Pizza Hut is staying true to the game.

Read more...

13 Jul 18:31

19 Reasons It's Time You Embraced The "Shower Beer"

by Alex Finnis
Krankota

GODDAMN RIGHT. ususus

Drinking beer in the shower is a thing and you should all be doing it.

Drinking a beer in the shower is one of life's great simple pleasures.

Drinking a beer in the shower is one of life's great simple pleasures.

imgur.com

So it's sad that so few people know that it's a thing.

So it's sad that so few people know that it's a thing.

imgur.com

Because just look how happy it can make you.

Because just look how happy it can make you.

imgur.com

Some people may question the logic of the shower beer, they might say it makes no sense.

Some people may question the logic of the shower beer, they might say it makes no sense.

imgur.com


View Entire List ›

13 Jul 19:45

I Tried Chessboxing And I Will Never Do It Again

by T.M. Brown
Krankota

Huh! Super weird.

BERLIN – Let me say something obvious: fighting someone is exhausting. The switch—or whatever you want to call it—that flips when the lizard part of your brain tells the rest of you to hold off on metabolizing or thinking is inescapable. When you’re a novice fighter like me, the only thing you can think about is hitting and then, very quickly after the first time you get cracked in the nose or temple, not getting hit. I found out that self-possession is a cornerstone of boxing. The best guys are the ones who can delay that switch from taking over. Panic will drain you and then kill you. And I panicked a lot.

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13 Jul 15:16

Baby Drew a Picture

by Reza

baby-drew-a-picture

10 Jul 19:40

The Rain

by Reza

the-rain

10 Jul 15:06

KSK Mock Draft: Things These Dang Kids Are Into That Make You Feel Old

by christmasape
Krankota

A rare "these dang kids" post that actually made me laugh. I appreciate the acknowledgement from most that the reason they are not into this stuff is that it's not for them and now they feel old and irrelevant.

If you were following NBA free agency on Twitter, you probably saw the Internet collectively howl with laughter at Paul Pierce for trying to participate in the great basketball player emoji fest of 2015. Instead of just tweeting an emoji, he posted an image file of an emoji. That’s not how that works, Paul! That’s not how any of this works!

It just goes to show that nowadays you have to know how to properly use emoji or you’re basically 500 years old. Sorry, I don’t make the rules. That’s just how it is. Technology evolves at breakneck speed and you better keep up with the most ridiculous aspects of it or the world will pass you by.

Today, we draft things these damned kids are into that make us feel like a bunch of old, out-of-touch fussbudgets. Your picks in the comments, unless you are young, in which case get off our lawn.

1. StuScottsBooyahs – People waxing nostalgic about Gameboy Advance

gbadvance

I had the giant plastic gray brick that was the original Game Boy and I can still hum the entirety of every tinny song from ALL levels of Super Mario Land.

2. David Rappoccio – Snapchat

Snapchat Murder picture

Getty Image


I do not understand Snapchat. Why did Snapchat get popular? It’s like an automatically deleting Instagram. It’s pointless.

Trevor: It’s the teen sexting app. It’s what teens use to send nudes but not get their lives ruined by having nudes posted everywhere in their school.

3. Matt Rothstein – “On fleek”

What is that?

4. Trevor Risk – Pop music

taylor-dance

YouTube


When I was in my early twenties, the too-cool-for-christmas crowd was into subversive music, and stuff that was considered contrary to the charts. Now, everyone in their twenties who snubs their nose at “basics” listens to the Billboard Hot 100. Like, you’re calling someone else basic while you listen to Taylor Swift and Kendrick Lamar? I remember when I was that age, all the real hip people listened to, like, Turbonegro and Lightning Bolt and the Starlite Desperation and Adult. Now the cool kids listen to the charts and I try to not let it mean to me that music is about to die entirely.

5. Spilly – Freemium games


I don’t want to play a game that requires buying packs of crystalcoingolds at 99 cents a pop for an extended 15 minutes of whateverthef*ck.

I want to pay ten dollars for a game that is fun to play for a while and then I stop.

6. RobotsFightingDinosaurs – Minecraft

Minecraft-games

I mean, I get it. It’s Legos: the video game. I understand the appeal. But consarnit kids in MY DAY we built REAL spaceships and laser guns and giant penises out of Legos and then had to use our IMAGINATION to play with them. Plus, creepers are a lot less fun than sneaking into your brother’s bedroom to smash up the race car he spent all Sunday afternoon building.

7. Johnny Sugar – Bro-country

In the past two years, I’ve spent many shifts at a job where the modern country station would play for six solid hours, and I just don’t get it. I mean, yeah, country was never cool, but at least it used to be capable of justifying its existence. Every song by Florida Georgia Line/Luke Bryan/whoever is shittier than the last one.

8. Christmas Ape – PewDiePie

I guess I could more generally say YouTube stars, but mostly it’s the type that just scream things over video games. Don’t get me wrong, I use the sh*t out of video game walkthrough videos, though I’m only ever watching the part that is relevant to where I might be stuck in a game. But I’m not watching some dude play through a f*cking game just to shout his inane commentary over it. THIS MOTHERF*CKER MADE $7 MILLION LAST YEAR. I mean, whatever, get that money and all that. I just don’t understand the appeal.

9. Old James – A lack of respect

Seriously, whose house? If it’s anything like the abomination coming from my neighbor’s garage band, then no, I don’t like house music. Why are you laughing?

10. Old James – Pokemon

pikacry

We joke a lot about the Pokemon here. I’ve yet to understand a single one.

11. Christmas Ape – Millennial-focused news sites

For example, Mic and a bunch of others that I almost never read. I am a millennial, albeit an older one, and I don’t feel like being pandered to, so they just end up making me feel older than whatever people are consuming this bullsh*t.

12. Johnny Sugar – Selfie sticks

Selfie Stick

Shutterstock


I don’t have some old man rant about selfies, it’s just that carrying a big stick around to take pictures with seems to defeat the purpose of a camera phone.

13. RobotsFightingDinosaurs – Joggers

joggers

birchbox


They’re sweatpants. Ugly, jeans-looking, uncomfortable looking sweatpants. And yet, for some reason, they’re featured in every single JackThreads email I get next to slick slim-fit suits, anchor printed short-sleeve button downs, and boat shoes.

Don’t wear sweatpants outside.

14. Spilly – Using Vine for anything more than people falling down

How are there Vine stars? I have a bare acceptance of Youtube stars who just talk into a laptop screen, but Vine? Do I really need to live vicariously through a #teen for six seconds at a time? HOW DO YOU PEOPLE MAKE MONEY DOING THIS? THERE’S NOTHING THERE. DAMN MILLENNIALS. WHERE ARE MY MEDICATIONS.

15. Trevor Risk – Emoji

cryemoji

I get that we’re headed to a place where we’re basically communicating in hieroglyphics, and i’m sure that will topple the proverbial Tower of Babel better than Esperanto did, but they seem to add new symbols every month, and i don’t know what they mean anymore. I asked where we were meeting up and you sent me what looks like a middle-aged cartoon mom in a bunny hug. They’re also too small. Is that a nose, a taco? What? I like English. It took me a lot of time and speech therapy to learn it. It ate the entire planet. Can everyone use it at least until i’m dead please?

16. Matt Rothstein – Ariana Grande

Am I missing something? She’s literally a tiny baby-person. Should I not be disturbed by this?

17. David Rappoccio – Text speak

Our phones have full keyboards now, why is it getting worse, why do I have to google half the letter combinations that get sent my way

18. StuScottBooyahs – Twitter

I don’t understand how to use it effectively, and I don’t suspect I will ever care enough to do so.

Spilly: Here’s how to use twitter: don’t like anything, make sure to sh*t on everyone else. Cat pictures.

09 Jul 15:30

Chill Alert: You Can Fly With Your Weed in Oregon Now

by Gabrielle Bluestone
Krankota

P. chill, Oregon. sunglasses

They said it didn’t exist but Oregon’s got it: a chill airport that just wants you to do you, man. You want to leave your weed at home? That’s cool, dude. You want to take it on the airplane? That’s cool, too. Whatever you’re feeling, man. Whatever you’re feeling.

Read more...