It’s the offseason, but that doesn’t mean you have to go the entire spring and summer without laughing at stupid people on the internet. Between now and the kickoff to the new season in September, we here at Kissing Suzy Kolber have taken it upon ourselves to bring you the greatest non-football takes on Facebook and other esteemed social media outlets. We may sneak in a few teams here and there as news warrants, but for the most part all groups, NFL or not, are now fair game. Enjoy!
When I put the call out last week for what you wanted to see first in our offseason Fans React, I got one big request: Anti-vaxxers. I suppose that’s the big chic thing right now, and I’m sort of happy to report that my own online interactions have shielded me pretty well from these folks. I don’t personally know any anti-vaxxers, and since I’ve blocked everyone on earth from Facebook, so I don’t see it there either. I figured, how bad could it be?
OH MY CHRIST THERE ARE ACTUAL PILES OF PEER-REVIEWED SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH YOU PAROCHIAL SIMPLETON.
Alright, so I found a cache of anti-vaxxers posting away on the internet. This group was especially great because they would delete anyone arguing that maybe vaccines were good, so it turned into a circlejerk of tinfoil hats, crazy anti-government crackpot theory, and ENTIRELY BROKEN LOGIC:
I should have broken this comment up into two parts, because Amy’s statement of “golly gosh, why don’t people like my opinion” is special. Amy, people are angry because you are actively hurting other people’s children by lowering the vaccination threshold needed to keep diseases at bay. The government isn’t trying to murder your kids. Big Pharma isn’t using your kids to make money. That’s why they make boner pills. Rich old men have way more money to throw at erections on demand. And Lisa, I can’t even approach your comments without getting angry. Your children aren’t miracle babies sent from God with infinite immunity. They will instead be open to sickness when another one of your idiot anti-vax friends catches it from visiting Disneyland and then they will pass it on to someone who can’t be vaccinated. I can’t even make jokes about this because it angers me to read it.
Oh man, there’s a TON of “Why back in my day” posts too, as if everything done in 1950 was the best possible course for mankind. I think I had chicken-pox as a kid, and I remember it being AWFUL. I *wish* I’d been immunized because then I wouldn’t have had to go through all that “DO NOT SCRATCH THIS OR IT WILL SCAR YOU FOREVER” bullshit.
The University of Life is much like any other university: Everyone dicks around for a few years, rushes to accomplish something that is ultimately useless, and goes into debt forever.
And now we get to the craziest of the crazies. I have to commend the anti-vaxxers for one thing: spelling. Reading these were considerably easier than most football team sites, which I appreciate, even if their theories were absolutely batshit insane. For example, Mr. Toma Hawk, which I will go out on a limb and guess is not a real name, wants to to shoot the government with three hundred million guns. That’s…that’s reasonable, Mr. T. Hawk.
Man, if nothing else, no one slippery slopes quite like anti-vaxxers. Why would THE GOVMUNT inject(?) RFID chips into you, when they could just track your phone/ID/etc? Barring whether that’s moral or not (which is a legit conversation), it’s a matter of practicality here. They aren’t going to IMPLANT CHIPS INTO YOU when there’s a much better way to get the information. Let’s look at the possibilities here:
1) the idea of government as a public shell disguising the ruling illuminati who want to enslave us to build temples to the rich by killing our babies with chemicals and forcing chips into your body to track everything for *NEFARIOUS ELITE REASONS*
2) maybe they don’t want kids to die?
Juanita, apparently, was someone who was trying to talk sense into these people and was completely wiped from the board, which left a lot of awkward, one-sided arguments littered throughout the comments. Meghan here enjoys EMPHATIC PHRASES WHICH ARE NOT ACTUALLY SENTENCES. The best part of this is the “YOUTUBE, HEAR THIS WELL” because Youtube is where I go to get all of my totally legitimate information for life-altering decision making. It’s why I am going to name my child “Man Farts into Pool, Accidently Poops!!!!! LOL”
Aha! I’ve found your real name, T. Hawk! Here is someone suggesting that instead of protecting their child and protecting public health, we should instead just shoot everyone. Also, boy do anti-vaxxers love the term “Sheep!”
US GOVERNMENT: Okay here’s the plan
BIG US PHARMA: Shoot
USG: Okay we infect entire nations in West Africa, causing a worldwide health epidemic
BP: Got it.
USG: Then, we bring people to America to spread the disease. But you get to vaccinate people who are scared about being sick! Those 3% of your profits from vaccines? Think…6%.
BP: I see.
USG: Then everyone dies in a Ebola pandemic that wipes out the populace, plunging our country into terror and anarchy because there is no proven Ebola vaccine.
BP: Wouldn’t that still functionally destroy both of us?
YES WE WILL STEAL ALL THE CHILDREN BECAUSE *government takes off mask* WE ARE ACTUALLY THE WITCH FROM HANSEL AND GRETEL AHAHAHA EAT ALL THE CHILDREN
well, perhaps, i mean, if they’re treating you like morons, then maybe, i guess, it’s possible that you…are morons. (joke)
I did research on this one because holy god are people stupid. Bill Gates put a statement out that the birth rate would lower if children were vaccinated and reproductive services were available because PEOPLE WOULDN’T BE LOSING KIDS TO PREVENTABLE DISEASES. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH YOU PEOPLE ARE SO GODDAMN STUPID. YOU’RE WORSE THAN PACKER FANS.
Cool story Joanne, but I fail to really understand why we’re putting the future of the new world order in the hands of a guy who greenlit Microsoft Bob.
FINALLY, AND INEVITABLY:
I honestly expected the Nazi references a lot earlier than I got them. I’m fully convinced that you will never be able to persuade these people to do the right thing, because they’re pretty much all so far gone that they’ve sealed themselves into a little homeopathic bubble. I was also sort of sad that not one person mentioned Jenny McCarthy, and really – I guess that must have been my fault for not researching her page and instead going right for the crazy nucleus of anti-vax mouthfrothing. I’m sure at this point I don’t have to tell you to vaccinate your kids, because you’ve heard it from sensible places that are better than me, but seriously people, vaccinate your fucking kids. Don’t be a crazy libertarian vax truther.