The end of Lost sucked. Holy fuck, did it suck. It was really, truly, completely the worst — a mushy, indefensible cop-out that failed to resolve many of the show's central mysteries and seemed to argue against reason in favor of a vaguely defined faith in … what, exactly? Did the writers themselves even know? The show's final episode—and really, its entire final season—was so bad that it has completely rewritten the popular mythology surrounding what was once TV's most popular mythology.
On this day 40 years ago, the greatest entertainer the basketball world has ever known was born. I’m of course speaking of Rasheed Wallace, whose “ball don’t lie” mantra brought more joy to me than any woman in college ever could.
Here are some of Sheed’s best moments, both as a player and coach.
8. That time he flipped out after Andre Drummond posterized someone
7. Coach Sheed!
6.When he got ejected for screaming “Ball Don’t Lie”
by Enid Shaw on Gawker, shared by Samer Kalaf to Deadspin
The suspects in a violent gang assault on two gay men in Philadelphia have apparently been located by an anonymous Twitter sleuth from Jersey. The victims, who haven't been publicly identified, were walking in Center City around 10:45 p.m. on September 11 when they came face-to-face with a large, clean-cut-looking group of white men and women in their early 20s. Someone in the group asked if the men were "boyfriends," according to police, and made "disparaging remarks" about gay people before attacking the victims, kicking them in the head, chest and face. One of the men had to undergo surgery and have his jaw wired shut; the other suffered bone fractures and cuts to his face. As the group was fleeing the scene, one of them also stole a bag one of the victims had dropped on the ground.
NFL sponsors are rushing to save face and at the same time make their companies look above-board after this recent rash of off-the-field issues. Radisson Hotel was the first to make a public statement, ending their very limited sponsorship with the Minnesota Vikings. Then today, one of the league’s biggest sponsors said they were “increasingly concerned by the recent incidents.” That company was Anheuser-Busch, who by the way, has no intention of leaving the NFL.
“We are disappointed and increasingly concerned by the recent incidents that have overshadowed this NFL season. We are not yet satisfied with the league’s handling of behaviors that so clearly go against our own company culture and moral code. We have shared our concerns and expectations with the league.”
Most people with a functional brain saw right through their shenanigans. Here’s Texans RB Arian Foster beautifully weighing-in on Twitter.
Adventure Time is something of a dark horse candidate for “one of the best shows on TV.” On paper, it’s a wacky cartoon about a boy and his rubbery dog, but it’s not afraid to bring the heartbreak, repeatedly. Part of that is thanks to Pendleton Ward’s off-kilter sensibility, which is on full display in Adventure Time: The Original Cartoon Title Cards.
It’s from Titan, with the usual gorgeous sensibility, but what’s most fascinating about the book is how packed it is with detail about the thought process of the show. Ward and Nick Jennings, the show’s art director, talk about how they approach the show and its handpainted title cards as each one goes from rough sketch to completed painting. It’s a little surprising what inspires these, which ranges from theatrical staging to comics to B-movies. And, of course, there’s the visual evolution. Like, for example, this title card for the episode Death In Bloom:
Cartoon Network
Cartoon Network
If you’re looking for more, the book is out next week, courtesy of Titan.
This year’s Miss America pageant was won by 23-year-old Miss New York Kira Kazantsev and no one anywhere cared, apparently, because the people who run the pageant decided to put funzy little factoids on the screen during each contestants’ talent portion and, mother of God, they were amazing. I could have read them for hours. The good folks at Vulture compiled them all, but below, please find the 10 most ridiculous of the night, as voted on by a team of highly-respected, impartial judges (just me).
10. “Always picked last at kickball”
This one is 1000% funnier if you pretend “Always Picked Last at Kickball” is not only an interesting fact about her, but also the title of the song she is playing, which she wrote herself and sounds a lot like “Brick” by Ben Folds Five.
How in the world has no struggling news station in a small market hired a ventriloquist beauty queen to do the weather? It’s been right there in front of your faces the entire time!
But yeah. Sleep with one eye open, Roker.
7. “Family wrote their own theme song”
Unless your family is currently running through the Alps with Julie Andrews to evade the Nazis or touring the country in a van under the supervision of Reuben Kincaid, this is a terrifying thing to admit to people. Can you imagine going to their house for dinner and seeing, like, nine of them crowded around the piano, dressed alike, singing their family theme song? I’d leave out the window. Door might be booby-trapped.
6. “Nickname growing up was ‘Bob'”
I have about 100 questions for the children she went to school with.
5. “Loves Waffle House”
We’re gonna circle back to this lady in a bit. Hang tight.
4. “Loves anything Jane Austin” (sic)/”Enjoys street hot dogs”
Here’s your winner, Kira Kazantsev playing “Happy” on a red cup like Anna Kendrick. I’m cheating a bit to combine these two into one entry, but I love the idea of her walking up to people and saying “Two things you need to know about me: One, I love Jane Austen. Two, I love street hot dogs. Hi, I’m Kira” too much to abide by my own rules.
3. “Terrified of frogs”
abc
“Okay, tell us something interesting about yourself.”
“I’m terrified of frogs.”
“Well, okay… But how about something light and fu-…”
“TERRIFIED. OF. FROGS.”
“O… okay.”
2. “Attacked by a cheetah in Zambia”
First of all, incredible. That fact popping up on screen while she’s playing the piano in a ball gown is just perfect. Second of all, again, and I’m very serious about this, this is much, much funnier if you pretend it’s the title of the song she’s playing. I hope she makes an album.
1. “Slapped a shark as a kid.”
Loves Waffle House AND slapped a shark? How did she not win? HOW DID WE NOT MAKE HER PRESIDENT IMMEDIATELY? CHECK THE VOTES. CHECK THE VOTES.
The worst first date I ever went on was in high school. We saw Shrek 2 together. The end. OK, no one’s going to adapt that terrible story into an even worse romantic comedy, but it’s cool: I married a girl I met in college, so I didn’t go on too many dates, most of which I assume end like this:
Pierce County sheriff’s detectives on Monday were trying to sort out the details of a first date that ended early Sunday with a Gig Harbor man dead and his date hospitalized in critical condition.
Investigators believe the 47-year-old Port Orchard woman ran over her date, then crashed his truck 15 feet down a Lakebay embankment. (Via)
I assume no alcohol was involved?
Shaw and his date, who hadn’t known each other more than a few hours, allegedly drank quite a bit Saturday night before visiting the home of one of Shaw’s friends.
Oh.
While at the house in the 600 block of Cornwall Road, Key Peninsula North, the couple continued drinking. The woman asked the friend, who was a tattoo artist, to tattoo her chest.
She and the tattoo artist became intimate while she was getting the tattoo, prompting an argument between her and Shaw. The woman allegedly punched Shaw; he reportedly slapped her.
The woman, wearing only a T-shirt, then fled from the house and started up Shaw’s truck, Troyer said. Shaw ran outside to see what his date was doing. Moments later, Shaw’s friend came outside and found him dead in the driveway, Troyer said. (Via)
I need to know what tattoo she requested. Probably “Shrek 2 4 Life.”
There's an old episode of What's Happening!! where Roger fucks up, and his mom decides to beat his ass (this is actually the plot of every episode of What's Happening!!). So his mom asks Rerun for his belt, only Rerun is 300-plus pounds, so when he takes out his belt, it's like eight feet long. And Roger's mom guffaws and cries out, "Oh, Rerun! I wanna whip him, not hang him!" And the whole studio audience goes crazy with laughter.
"After a 12 year absence, everyone's favorite energy soda, SURGE, is back! First launched in 1996, SURGE was a hit with teens and adults alike. After a hiatus, The Coca-Cola Company is bringing the drink back to the excitement and celebration of fans. SURGE is a beloved citrus soda with a fully loaded taste that awakens a familiar rush from back in the day. This is the first time a Coca-Cola beverage is being sold exclusively through an online retailer, Amazon.com." (Source: YouTube)
Design by: Coca-Cola Company (Originally designed by Tom Cox in-house with Scott Graham and Malinda Sanna)
Opinion/Notes: I don't drink sodas anymore but when I did, nothing beat a good citrus soda and Surge was really one of the best. What's interesting about this — more than it coming back or being sold exclusively through Amazon — is the decision from Coca-Cola to go with nearly the exact same graphic design as the one it launched with in 1996, at the height of Grunge and Xtreme things. At the time, the design made perfect sense. Today? It's definitely weird and out of place, like an off-brand soda that you can only get in one gas station in one state of the U.S. But clearly, this was about building on the nostalgia and fan fervor of the original product and changing the design would have pissed off the same people that helped bring it back to market. Long live Surge!
Select Quote: The SURGE re-launch represents two additional firsts for Coke. The brand, which will be offered in its original formula in 12-packs of 16-oz. cans featuring the same retro design from yesteryear, is part of an innovative distribution deal between Coca-Cola and Amazon. A limited supply of SURGE will be sold exclusively through the online retailer at www.amazon.com/surge, marking the first time Coke has distributed a product solely through e-commerce.
SURGE’s return also will be Coke’s first launch to rely solely on social and digital media. The brand will forego all traditional forms of advertising, including TV and out of home, allowing excitement to build online (follow the brand's journey on Twitter: @SURGE).
Can detail.Pack.Original design process drawings by Tom Cox.Surge is back promo video.
The Avengers is probably one of the few truly beloved popcorn movies to hit theaters in recent years, and it made a billion dollars as a result. So, who’s coming back, and who’s new, for the sequel? More people than you might think.
Marvel Studios presents Avengers: Age of Ultron, the epic follow-up to the biggest Super Hero movie of all time. When Tony Stark tries to jumpstart a dormant peacekeeping program, things go awry and Earth’s Mightiest Heroes, including Iron Man, Captain America, Thor, The Incredible Hulk, Black Widow and Hawkeye, are put to the ultimate test as the fate of the planet hangs in the balance. As the villainous Ultron emerges, it is up to The Avengers to stop him from enacting his terrible plans, and soon uneasy alliances and unexpected action pave the way for an epic and unique global adventure.
Marvel’s Avengers: Age of Ultron stars Robert Downey Jr., who returns as Iron Man, along with Chris Evans as Captain America, Chris Hemsworth as Thor and Mark Ruffalo as The Hulk. Together with Scarlett Johansson as Black Widow and Jeremy Renner as Hawkeye, and with the additional support of Samuel L. Jackson as Nick Fury and Cobie Smulders as Agent Maria Hill, the team must reassemble to defeat James Spader as Ultron, a terrifying technological villain hell-bent on human extinction. Along the way, they confront two mysterious and powerful newcomers, Wanda Maximoff, played by Elizabeth Olsen, and Pietro Maximoff, played by Aaron Taylor-Johnson, and meet an old friend in a new form when Paul Bettany becomes Vision.
First off, some of what we suspected turns out to be true: Tony’s the jerk who gets this all started, while Hank Pym is off palling around with Paul Rudd. And it appears the Vision will evolve from JARVIS as most fans speculated; how much you want to bet he hijacks an old set of Tony’s armor and reconfigures it?
What’s interesting, though, is that Nick Fury and Maria Hill are back in action. Fury, you might remember, was last seen in the Marvel Cinematic Universe giving Coulson the directorship of SHIELD that should have been Hill’s. Sorry, Phil, but she’s a bit more qualified than you are. Hill we also last saw on TV, and was working for Tony, or at least availing herself of his legal department. So it’s interesting that they’re both in play. Coulson, apparently, has to settle for his own TV series.
This is just the start of the shenanigans. The movie comes out in seven months, so expect a trailer before the end of the year, and a massive hype machine soon after.
After dismissing premeditated murder charges yesterday, Judge Thokozile Matilda Masipa ruled that Oscar Pistorius is guilty of culpable homicide—similar to a manslaughter conviction in the U.S. —in the shooting and killing of his girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp. http://gawker.com/judge-oscar-pi...
All fumbles are bad. Some are really bad. Take the buttfumble, for instance. But as bad as they get, they are still only one fumble. Here James Jones has two fumbles and that really is something to behold.
“I didn’t have any eggs, so I replaced them with a banana-chia-flaxseed pulse. It turned out terrible; this recipe is terrible.”
“I don’t have any of these ingredients at home. Could you rewrite this based on the food I do have in my house? I’m not going to tell you what food I have. You have to guess.”
“I don’t eat white flour, so I tried making it with raw almonds that I’d activated by chewing them with my mouth open to receive direct sunlight, and it turned out terrible. This recipe is terrible.”
“Could you please give the metric weight measurements, and sometime in the next twenty minutes; I’m making this for a dinner party and my guests are already here.”
“i dont have an oven, can i still make this? please reply immediately”
“Does anyone know if you can make this ahead of time and freeze it?”
“Have you thought about making a sugar-free version of this?”
“Can you give us a calorie breakdown for this?”
“I followed this to the letter, except I substituted walnuts and tofu for the skirt steak, ditched the cheese entirely, and replaced the starch with a turnip salad. Turned out great. My seven-year-old boys have never seen a dessert and I’ve convinced them that walnut-and-turnip salad is “cake.” Thanks for the recipe!”
“I’m having a lot of trouble signing up for your newsletter. Can you please assist?”
“a warning that if you cook this at 275°F for three hours instead of at 400°F for twenty-five minutes its completely ruined. do you have any suggestions?”
“I didn’t have buttermilk, so I just poured baking soda into a container of raspberry yogurt. It tasted terrible.”
“I love this recipe! I added garlic powder, Italian seasoning, a few flakes of nutritional yeast, half a bottle of kombucha, za’atar, dried onion, and biscuit mix to mine. Great idea!”
“Due to dietary restrictions, I am only able to eat Yatzhee dice. I made the necessary substitutions, and it turned out great.”
“If you use olive oil for any recipe that’s cooked over 450°F, the oil will denature and you will get cancer. This post is irresponsible. You should only use grapeseed oil you’ve pressed yourself in a very cold room.”
“[600-word description of what they ate today] so this will make a great addition!”
“I just started Paleo yesterday, and I’m wondering if there’s a way to make this without the ingredients.”
“I was all out of cake flour, so I transfigured my hands into puffer fish, which worked pretty well.”
“Have you considered making a version of this margherita pizza for your readers who are trying to avoid gluten, dairy and nightshades? What if I shoved a roll of basil leaves in my mouth, do you think that would taste good?”
“this was a very good post for your recipe you made, i made a similar recipe over at my blog last month, please consider linking back.”
“I’m actually a supertaster, so I can’t eat anything that isn’t licking the salt off the top of saltines; will this recipe work for me?”
They told me she did not exist, at first,
that stained glass loves to trick the eye. The worst thing about the windows is that God rarely passes by; the church does not illuminate with light. Instead, we’re tricked into thinking that this bright-leggèd woman has a tail.
And so my mermaid paled and wept;
I’d made her wear a shirt so I could bring her
as my guest. The tops of her white breasts crowded
like the heads of newborn babies to her chest.
She was Madonna for the possessed,
her giant tail wetting the wood of pews.
We read Micah, Chapter Seven, in the mass: And he will cast our sins into the depths of sea.
Verse Nineteen. My mermaid said It’s true. Each prayer is caught by seaweed on the floor and anchors itself deep beneath the sand. The mermaids dig them up to use as bricks
Ahead of Thursday night’s game between the Ravens and the Steelers, CBS reporter James Brown spoke to viewers about the treatment of women and domestic violence as a whole. It was simple and straightforward, hitting all the right notes while not sounding too preachy.
I’m sitting in my boxers right now. I rarely, if ever, put on pants during on the day. I feel I need to tell you this before posting about other people’s fashion choices.
Ok, now that we got that all straightened out, ma’am, excuse me, I can see your vagina. No wait, sorry, that’s just camel toe. Massive, massive nude-colored camel toe. The Colombian Cycling Team thought it was o.k. to wear this monstrosity during the Giro della Toscana in Italy. Unsurprisingly, people took notice.
To the many who have raised the issue of a certain women's team kit, we are on the case. It is unacceptable by any standard of decency.
You know, maybe we’re not being fair. Maybe even if we zoom in a little…
Twitter
Wait, no, that’s awful. I mean, cycling uniforms are generally awful but this one’s especially camel toe-y. A cycling website claims the uniform’s color is gold but hey, I know nude when I see it guys.
Brandon Marshall does all of the talking here, but Jay Cutler is the one you want to keep an eye on. Watch as he disinterestedly fires off a text message, pets Brandon Marshall, and makes about three or four vintage Cutler faces. The man was in top form both on and off the field last night.
babe what is it
what’s wrong nothing
are there not enough leopard skins i mean
if you call just two enough
and here is your royal chair no furs on it i see
just linens and gold
that’s fine, that’s fine
is that a problem? well you clearly didnt think it was a problem
so i guess it’s not a problem
is it
why do i only have a stone lion for my LEFT HAND
what am i supposed to do with my right hand
besides BE DISAPPOINTED
okay now shut up and give me that leopard skin
if i had ENOUGH leopard skins right now then i would have TOLD YOU TO STOP BRINGING THEM
so unless you hear me say i have enough
keep fucking piling them on me
i don’t know
they died really fast
can you bring me someone who doesn’t die so fast when you put knives in them or something with noodles
honestly i would fucking kill for something with noodles in it right now
no i’m fucking thrilled to be pouring your mead i went to Bryn Mawr so this is a perfectly appropriate use of my skillset i think all queens should moonlight as barmaids the crown makes us so easy to spot in the feasting-hall
keep ‘em coming
yeah that’s that’s nice i guess do you have anything bigger or more diamond-y like this, but a giant diamond?
darling
why is this man talking to me
he doesn’t have any jewels on
i like his furs but he doesn’t have any jewels on
so why is he talking at me
so this is your whole kingdom
yeah?
there’s not
more of it
that i missed seeing?
just statues of lions instead of regular lions, i see
no it’s good
it’s good
it’s good you only have that
I CAN STILL SEE PART OF MY FACE
WHAT PART OF “I WANT MY ENTIRE BODY COATED IN GOLD” WAS UNCLEAR TO YOU
fine, kill the harpist
we’ll still be bored after he’s dead and then there won’t be anyone left to play the harp
but go for it, maybe it’ll cheer us up
oh my goddd thank god you’re here
turns out the amount of actual time you can enjoy yourself on a “pleasure barge” is like
three days, max
also i think everyone else is dead now
let’s get out of here
i like dont want to be rude or anything
but me and this dog are kind of hanging out right now
so
I NEED MORE PELTS
I COULD BE WEARING SO MANY MORE PELTS
if someone doesnt move this crown on my lap to my head right now im going to fucking scream
i thought we were going to cover the whole harp in roses
but if these were all the roses you could find
i guess that doesn’t have to ruin everything
hey girls i have a fun idea
try playing something good
just for a change
just to see what it would be like
god
i fucking hate reading
this isn’t really doing it for me anymore
do you want me to tell them to dance faster no
i want them to dance better
jesus
this is a nightmare
i didnt say stop
youre the only one i can trust
you and this leopard skin on the floor
the only ones i can trust
The rumor mill about Star Wars: Episode VII and its spin-offs continues to spin madly on. The newest rumors come from a source at Making Star Wars who relays several rumors purportedly from the set. Potential spoilers ahead. Potential inaccuracies ahead. GRRR, blogging.
Making Star Wars‘ source says Luke Skywalker has only been missing for 10 years, not the originally rumored 30 years. The source also says a villain in Star Wars: Episode VII, possibly Adam Driver, is part of the same family line as Count Dooku (played by Christopher Lee in Episodes II and III). They also say, among other things, that Moraband, the Sith homeworld, is in Episode VII. But it was this next rumor which really caught our attention:
“I’ve heard from quite a few people now that an Obi-Wan Kenobi movie is in the works. For the spin-off movies they were initially going to stay away from any Jedi or Sith characters. But I’m hearing now that because of the popularity of Obi-Wan (fans recently voting for him on the official website etc) that an art team is now working with a writer on concepts for an Obi-Wan movie.”
The part about fans voting for Obi-Wan is a reference to the This Is Madness tournament, in which Obi-Wan was voted the top character over Han Solo, Yoda, Boba Fett, and more. Considering Obi-Wan has continuously been present in several forms of Star Wars media for decades, it shouldn’t be surprising he’s a popular character with fans of all ages. We’re only surprised he’s not the focus of any spin-offs already in production.
If the rumor is true, Disney is in very early stages of production. Our guess is they’d set the movie between Revenge of the Sith and A New Hope. If that’s the case, they could even have Ewan McGregor return, something McGregor himself has expressed an interest in doing. We’d be totally down with him reprising the role and giving us a slightly older, even sassier Obi-Wan:
Imagine if while writing Breaking Bad, Vince Gilligan decided to give the whole making meth thing a shot. Well, that kind of “being inspired by your show” change actually happened, minus the meth, to Orange Is the New Black writer Lauren Morelli, who was so moved by Piper and Alex’s relationship that she divorced her husband and began dating Samira Wiley, who plays Poussey on the Netflix original.
Accordingly, I was nervous about the first love scene I’d written for Alex and Piper. I’d loved writing it, loved watching a tenderness emerge in their relationship where passion always seemed to be the ruling principle, but by that time, I was so deep in my own self-doubt that I constantly felt like a fraud. I was sure it was bleeding into my writing. How could it not? I was married to a man, but I wasn’t straight. (Via)
Orange Is the New Black writer Lauren Morelli has just filed for divorce from husband Steve Balisone after she realizing while writing the diverse show that she’s a lesbian. Also — surprise! She’s dating Samira Wiley, who plays Poussey. (Via)
In related news, Orange Is the New Black inspired me to shiv Jason Biggs. Such a great show.
Mostly shared for hover text. If you're on a touch device: "Old people used to write obnoxious thinkpieces about how people these days always wear watches and are slaves to the clock, but now they've switched to writing thinkpieces about how kids these days don't appreciate the benefits of an old-fashioned watch. My position is: The word 'thinkpiece' sounds like a word made up by someone who didn't know about the word 'brain'."
Previously: The Comment Section For Every Article Ever Written About Intimate Grooming and Tipping.
