Perhaps you have seen a TV commercial for a product called "Snackeez," a grotesquely large plastic beverage cup with a special dry chamber for storing your favorite garbage snacks. If you have not, here it is:
“You’re a prefect? Oh Ronnie! That’s everyone in the family!”
Ron looked nervously at Harry. Harry betrayed nothing. You can be a wizard, Ron remembered, and you can be a man; it is good to be both, if you can, but if you must choose, it is better to be a man and not a wizard than a wizard and not a man.
“That — that doesn’t matter, Mum,” Ron said tentatively. “You should consider your children indifferently, only on the basis of the values you can trade with them, rather than automatically prefer us simply because we happen to have been born to you. It’s — it’s the trader principle, Mum.”
Mrs. Weasley let the crockpot slip from her hand.
“There’s no reason for my being a prefect to reflect upon you either negatively or poorly,” Ron said, his voice deepening. “My achievements are my own. Not yours.”
Harry almost smiled. Ron was becoming a person at last.
***
The Sorting Hat leapt from the stool and began to sing aloud. The entire school was transfixed.
Said Slytherin, “We’ll teach just those Whose ancestry’s purest.”
“An obsession with ancestral purity,” whispered Harry out of the side of his mouth, “is the rankest, lowest form of collectivism. It is racism and laziness disguised as filial pride. A man’s character is not inherited. It is forged by steel and jaws and trains and bulging forearm muscles. This is a doctrine for, and by, brutes.”
Cho Chang took notes with an adoring pen. It was natural for her to venerate Harry, as it is natural for all true women to venerate great men; the uterus makes a natural storage space for admiration.
“A genius is a genius,” Harry continued, “regardless of the number of morons who belong to the same family—and a moron is a moron, regardless of the number of geniuses who share his last name.” He looked impassively at Draco, who shook under the moral purity of Harry’s gaze.
The Hat sang on:
Said Ravenclaw, “We’ll teach those whose Intelligence is surest.”
“Sound enough,” Harry said. “Though it could stand to mention property rights. Remember that wealth is merely the byproduct of the intelligence and the work of individuals. ‘As you cannot have effects without causes, so you cannot have wealth without its source: without intelligence.’”
Hermione applauded spontaneously. Cho Chang glared at her. They were competing for that scarcest of resources: a real man.
Said Gryffindor, “We’ll teach all those With brave deeds to their name.”
Harry nodded. There was no need for words, so he spoke none.
Said Hufflepuff, “I’ll teach the lot And treat them just the same.”
Harry’s jaw trembled manfully, like if a steam shovel were to tremble from being full of too many rocks. “This is disgusting,” he said. “It is Communism. I won’t stay and listen to it.”
***
“It’s been fourteen years, and still not a day goes by that I don’t miss your dad,” Sirius said.
“That sounds like a waste of both time and personal energy,” Harry said, smoking a pipe. “I can assure you no one in the grave spends their time missing you.”
***
“Hem-Hem…Thank you, headmaster, for those kind words of welcome,” Umbridge said. “The Ministry of Magic has always considered the education of young witches and wizards to be of a vital importance. Although each headmaster has brought something new to this…historic school, progress for the sake of progress must be discouraged. Let us preserve what must be preserved, perfect what can be perfected and prune practices that ought to be…prohibited!”
Harry leapt from off his bench and drew his wand. “This sounds despicably like regulation,” he cried. “Regulation is the enemy of the good.”
Umbridge — whose face resembled nothing more than a surprised toad — quickly trundled Harry off to her office on the third floor, which was full of chintz and floral wallpaper and was absolutely nothing like being on a train. It was like some sort of woman’s room. But not the good kind of woman, the kind who wrapped her naked shoulder in steel and cool black fabric and the kind of sensuality only success in the world of business can bring. The other kind.
“That was unwise, boy,” she hissed, thrusting a quill into his hand. “You will write ‘I will not tell lies’ a hundred times with this until it is etched permanently onto your skin.”
Harry looked coolly at her, like if an iceberg were to make eye contact with you and remain unimpressed. He lifted the quill as if to begin, then immediately chopped off his own hand with it.
Professor Umbridge screamed as the hand continued to draft architectural designs for several minutes on the floor.
Harry wrapped his wrist and placed it efficiently behind his back before making her a low bow. “There is the hand, Professor,” he said, inclining his head wryly to the floor. “You make ask it to do whatever you wish. I remain free.”
Professor Umbridge called out in a quavering voice after Harry’s retreating figure. “Potter — Harry – sir –”
He turned and looked at her.
“Tell me about this freedom,” she said haltingly. “The freedom of the individual.”
Harry’s lips curved into a smile the way a prow curves into the lines of a mighty ship.
“No,” he said, and walked away.
***
Snape loomed up out of the darkness of the empty Potions room. “Let us get these ridiculous Occlumency lessons over with,” he said, placing his wand on the desk beside him. “Fools who wear their hearts proudly on their sleeves, who cannot control their emotions, who wallow in sad memories and allow themselves to be provoked so easily — weak people in other words –”
“–are of little value on the open market,” Harry finished for him. “I quite agree.”
Snape looked at him with something strange brimming in his eyes. “I believe I’m going to respect you after all, Potter,” he said.
“That doesn’t matter,” Harry said. “Whether you respect me or not, I remain myself.”
Snape respected him even more for saying that.
***
“Do you see, Harry? Do you see the flaw in my brilliant plan now? I had fallen into the trap I had foreseen, that I had told myself I could avoid, that I must avoid.”
Harry looked keenly at him.
“I cared about you too much,” said Dumbledore simply. “I cared more for your happiness than your knowing the truth, more for your peace of mind than my plan, more for your life than the lives that might be lost if the plan failed. In other words, I acted exactly as Voldemort expects we fools who love to act.”
“I do see the flaw,” Harry said. “How embarrassing for you.” He rose to leave. “My only loyalty is to the truth, which is the highest form of good, and expresses itself in the form of money.”
“Wait,” Dumbledore called out after him. “There is a room in the Department Of Mysteries that is kept locked at all times. It contains a force that is at once more wonderful and more terrible than death, than human intelligence, than the forces of nature. It is also, perhaps, the most mysterious of many subjects for study that reside there.”
“The only room I care about,” Harry replied, “is the one with all the money in it.”
“Do you mean the bank?” Dumbledore asked.
Harry waved his stump about impatiently. “It has many names. I call it the Freedom Room.”
“Please,” Dumbledore continued desperately, “Listen to me, Harry. It is the power held within that room that you possess in such quantities and which Voldemort has not at all. That power took you to save Sirius tonight. That power also saved you from possession by Voldemort, because he could not bear to reside in a body so full of the force he detests. In the end, it mattered not that you could not close your mind. It was your h–”
“It was my self-mastery and intrinsic sense of worth,” Harry said firmly, “and nothing more. Anyone raised by the free market would have done the same.”
***
“I’ve been thinking about something Dumbledore said to me,” Harry said.
“What’s that?” said Hermione.
“That even though we’ve got a fight ahead of us, we’ve got one thing that Voldemort doesn’t have.”
Ron looked at him. He was so close to guessing it, but he wasn’t quite there yet.
“Something worth fighting for,” Harry said. “A commitment to individualism, a rigorous methodology, and a comprehensive philosophical framework that provides a realistic alternative to emotionalism and the nanny state.”
Behind him, Cho Chang took notes. “I’m so glad my old boyfriend is dead,” she said, “so that I have time to write all this down.”
Mike Ditka is a nasty, miserable, old man, who is paid by ESPN to talk about football in part because he is nasty and miserable and old. So there's really no surprise that when asked to weigh in on Ray Rice being released by the Baltimore Ravens four months after he knocked his then-fiancée unconscious on tape , Ditka took Rice's side.
Established in 1971, Southwest Airlines is one of the most liked and well-regarded airlines in the U.S., from its low-cost options to uproariously and authentically funny and chillaxed flight attendants — although the effect can sometimes be grating. Southwest travels to 93 destinations in 40 states, operating more than 3,600 flights a day, transporting more than 100 million customers a year with the help of 45,000 employees. While other airlines have suffered bankruptcies and layoffs, Southwest has remained profitable for 41 consecutive years. With expansion to big-market destinations like New York and Washington, D.C., and other growing plans, Southwest introduced yesterday a new logo, identity, and livery designed by New York, NY-based Lippincott. (Additionally, Southwest has gone the extra mile by crediting all its creative partners: GSD&M, VML, Razorfish, and Camelot Communications).
"Our collective heartbeat is stronger and healthier than ever, and that's because of the warmth, the compassion, and the smiles of our People," said Gary Kelly, Southwest Airlines Chairman, President, and Chief Executive Officer. "The Heart emblazoned on our aircraft, and within our new look, symbolizes our commitment that we'll remain true to our core values as we set our sights on the future."
Logo detail in full color and single color.Variation with heart-com.
I had never really acknowledged that the old logo was, in fact, a plane with the livery and the name of the airline under it. Fantastically lame, no? It's as if Apple's logo were a picture of the iPhone and the word Apple underneath. Moving away from this overly literal approach, Southwest has adopted a heart as its icon and main identifier. And it's so great. No other airline has a heart — either as their logo or as in having any empathy to how shitty the coach-flying experience has become — so they automatically stand out. It's one of the boldest airline logo changes we've seen, even more so than American Airlines which simply went with an updated eagle icon. This heart icon makes a grand statement that only Southwest can make. Its execution is also on target: it's not a sentimental or cloying or child-like heart but cast more like a pin that anyone (man, woman, or child) would gladly wear on their shirt. The sizing of the logo is also key. It's small and serves like punctuation so it's not a "LOOK AT ME" kind of icon. It's there to accompany the rather nice wordmark that is refreshingly contemporary, well kerned, and has enough personality of its own to be recognizable. My only minor complaint would be the "u" — I just don't like all these stem-less "u"s out in the world.
Old livery.
Southwest Airlines and its partners did comprehensive research and held numerous focus groups with Employees and Customers to determine how best to create the new look. The airline heard that it was important to remain unique and to retain its personality; for these reasons, Southwest continues to use the vibrant color palate and striped tail that has long identified the carrier, while adding a modern touch, proudly displaying the Southwest name on the side of the fuselage and presenting the Heart on the aircraft belly. Southwest has had several different liveries and logos throughout its 43-year history; remaining current and relevant is critical to the sustainability and future growth of the brand.
Painting the new livery.New livery.A couple of sexy livery detail shots. You can see plenty more here.
There were some rumors that Southwest would be getting rid of its heavily painted livery, which makes for really high paint job costs but Southwest clearly realized that their planes are some of the most recognizable from the ground, with their giant red bellies and have decided to continue dropping buckets of paint unto them. The old livery was fine but this new one is absolutely stunning — maybe it's simply the fact that it's literally a fresh coat of paint and the one plane that's been painted looks as bright as it will ever be. Nicknamed "Heart One", the new livery features the new wordmark large across the fuselage and the heart icon on the belly, making the planes even more identifiable.
New ticketing counter look.Print materials.
Not much to say about this: looks sharp, clean, and colorful. I like how they are blowing up and cropping the heart in some of the print applications.
Sample advertising.TV spot.
The advertising so far is okay. The introductory TV spot, with the catchy message of "Without a heart, it's just a machine" is quite nice. The print ads… meh. Trying a little too hard.
Overall, I think this is one of the best airline redesigns we've seen in many years. There is a clear pride in it from Southwest, given all the materials they've made available and how they talk about it. It's almost rare for a company to have this much confidence in a rebranding launch. The heart is no Pan-Am globe, or Lufthansa crane but — because the competition has been so weak and timid about putting forth any identity with any real story to tell or message to convey — I'll bet you it will become one of the most recognized airline logos in the next ten years.
Let’s lay our cards on the table guys, let’s have a frank discussion about the fattest thing you’ve ever done. Me? I once ate a large pizza and 37 hot wings in 30 minutes. Also, I ate at a Ponderosa by myself. Am I ashamed of that last admission? Sure, a little. But whatever, at least I’m not this bear whose fatass got stuck between two rocks—all because he was looking for food. There’s Yogi Bear fat and there’s this a-hole.
For what it’s worth, no, I’ve never risked life and limb for food. I did once sprain at a knee at an Old Country Buffet, but ask me about that another time. This is about the bear, after all.
Ray Rice is cut and suspended , but only after the world saw video of him punching out his then-fiancée. Time to take the tally: Who said particularly ghoulish and horrible things when it seemed like Rice would get off?
On Friday night, a story on Raiders DE Justin Tuck moved across the Associated Press wire. It contained the following quote from coach Dennis Allen about rookie QB Derek Carr, emphasis mine:
Shared for and all the basic white girls were like, “Does it come with UGG Boots?” Obviously.
Getty Image
If you spent enough time on Twitter this weekend, you probably saw this photo on your feed:
TWITTER
And all the basic white girls were like, “Does it come with UGG Boots?” Anyway, the photo is an obvious fake, but Durex is sitting on a potential (ironic) goldmine if they could make your penis smell like Starbucks in October. So far, they’re playing it cool, neither confirming nor denying the existence of a pumpkin-flavored love glove.
Several emails to Durex’s parent company, Reckitt Benckiser, and Virgo Health, the PR company that handles communications for Durex, didn’t yield a conclusive answer. A spokeswoman for Virgo Health said she couldn’t say whether the company was or was not actually developing such a thing. (Via)
There’s a pumpkin creampie joke to be made here, but I refuse to be the one who says it.
Previously, we told you about the glitch where Christian Kirksey is about a foot tall in Madden NFL 15. To EA’s credit, they didn’t quietly patch it out and hope nobody ever spoke of it again. No, they made an entire trailer out of it.
Trust us, you’ll want to watch the whole thing, because the best gag comes a few seconds in, and demonstrates Kirksey is a good sport about the glitch to say the least. But it’s also full of hysterical tiny moments, like this:
Artist Mike S. Miller has taken pop culture’s fascination with Guardians of the Galaxy’s Rocket and Groot to it’s next logical place by merging the pair with the eternally beloved Calvin and Hobbes. It’s almost too good a fit. I want a Sunday comic strip and Saturday morning cartoon in the works, like yesterday.
Find out more how you can order prints of the below variations on his Facebook page.
Liquor laws very state by state, and I live in Pennsylvania which is second only to like, Utah in its ridiculously strict and cumbersome liquor laws — so don’t even get me started on that. I don’t know what Indiana is like on a whole, but apparently one area where we’ve got them beat is that you can get away with having bars that don’t serve food here. Apparently, according to Indiana state liquor licenses, establishments that serve alcohol are also required to have minimum food service available, which includes hot sandwiches, soups, coffee, milk and soft drinks.
Honestly, you’d think most session drinking establishments would want to have munchies available, because otherwise people are going to get hungry and go someplace else — but the Bank Street Brewhouse in New Albany found a way to give a triumphant middle finger to Indiana’s liquor laws.
Reddit
Mmmmm. A $10 microwaved hot dog with no condiments. As much as I’d like to say I wouldn’t eat this with someone else’s mouth, as one Redditor pointed out: “When sh*tfaced I’d probably be like ‘Yeah this hotdog seems like a solid deal. Barkeep, four hotdogs please!'” Knowing me when I’m drunk, he’s probably right.
If you thought the new Madden NFL 15 video game couldn’t get any sillier after the tiny Christian Kirksey glitch, strap in. EA either completely underestimated how silly the internet can get, or they entirely counted on it. They created Madden GIFerator, a website where you create your own captioned GIFs by choosing animated players and backgrounds, then add your own text. Even though many words are banned, there are workarounds and plenty of absurd captions which aren’t off limits. Consider us razzle dazzled.
EA’s Madden GIF generator was also underwritten by the NFL and Google, who should have seen this coming. You could say this promotion has backfired, or you could say they had to know exactly what they were doing. After what happened with Lay’s Do Us A Flavor and Pacific Rim‘s Jaeger designer, companies seeking to crowdsource free viral content would be wise to just roll with it when we oblige with maximum snark.
Our favorite Madden GIFerator entries are collected below, with each source credited under the bottom left corner of the GIF. Thanks to Polygon for the assist.
Maurice Jones-Drew was fortunate enough to kick his own fumble back to quarterback Derek Carr. He definitely knew what he was doing. No fumble luck here. Seriously though, impressive awareness by Carr to watch the play and reel in the ball.
There's no way around it: Making real, from-scratch creamy polenta is a pain in the ass. Right from the jump: You have to find the right kind of cornmeal, and it's annoying; then you have to cook it for a long time, and that is also annoying; and god, what if you fuck it up, after all that, won't that just be the most annoying thing.
This cuddly agglomeration of wrinkles and baby fat is Olivia the dwarf hippo, one of the newest additions to Sweden's Parken Zoo. Born earlier this month at just 13 pounds, she gave the zoo a little scare by quickly losing weight. She's since recovered, according to the zoo's Facebook page, and "now is more reminiscent of a small Michelin man."
(Est. 1995) "Vistaprint serves more than 16 million micro businesses and consumers each year with a broad range of customised printing, graphic design and marketing products and services at an affordable price. With a unique business model supported by an innovative use of technology, high-volume production facilities, direct marketing expertise and personalised customer service, Vistaprint offers a wide range of products and services for micro businesses and consumers. Globally Vistaprint employs over 4,600 people, operates more than 25 websites globally and ships to more than 130 countries around the world."
Opinion/Notes: Despite a lackluster logo history during its 19 years of business, Vistaprint has done quite well for itself printing a monumental amount of stuff to the tune of more than $1.2 billion in revenue in 2013. It could have easily kept going another 19 years with mundane, laughable, CMYK logos but has chosen instead to adopt a more mature and relatively sophisticated new identity. Its main visual premise is a healthy serving of overlays in the shape of a custom alphabet that is liberally used in applications and as the main monogram of the company, which is… fine. There is nothing overly appealing or annoying about it; it sort of exists without ruffling any feathers. It's a major improvement by comparison but, as far as it being "wicked cool"… that wouldn't be the category I would put this in.
Select Quote: After researching global identity trends and executing many logo design studies, we determined that a simply designed, dynamic identity would best set us apart in the competitive landscape, enhance our leadership in customization and personalization, and deliver against our brand strategy. And it looks wicked cool.
Logo detail and color variations.Custom alphabet.Business cards.Various collateral.Brand manifesto.
Link
The exploratory committee for Washington, D.C.'s bid for the 2024 Olympic Games has unveiled its logo. (Image is a screenshot of the website's header and footer with full- and single-color logos present).
The cast of Parks and Recreation is reportedly in Chicago to film a few episodes for the final season of NBC’s beloved comedy, so the Chicago Cubs obviously made the best decision in franchise history for last night’s game. Chris Pratt, the man who plays Andy Dwyer and also starred in a little blockbuster called Guardians of the Galaxy, was asked to throw out the first pitch before the Cubbies took on the Milwaukee Brewers, and of course he obliged, because there was a chance that there might have been someone in the Windy City who doesn’t love him more than any other human on Earth. That simply cannot stand.
As for the pitch, well, not everything the guy does can be perfect.
What’s that quote from Major League? Just a tad bit off the plate? Something like that, I’m sure. Pratt doesn’t care, though, because he’s just here to party.
And of course he took selfies with Cubs fans, because Chris Pratt is nothing if not the world’s greatest selfie taker.
Meanwhile, he was rocking that Groot hat, because get it? It’s like that talking tree in Guardians! However, the hat itself is for Groot Industries solid waste management services, which is a very fun fact.
In conclusion, it’s still impossible to dislike this guy, even when he’s wearing a Cubs jersey and not a St. Louis Cardinals jersey. He should at least try wearing the birds and bat, though, so he’ll come off as classier and more intelligent than other celebrities.
Previously in this series (yeah, we’re doing all seven): Ayn Rand’s Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.
