Darendukes

You want the anchor with the biggest nuts? Well, guess what?

Brian Williams is back on his Snoop Dogg shit again, with an assist from Jimmy Fallon's brilliant video editor, John McDonald. It's been a while since we've heard one of these Williams raps—he did "Gin and Juice" back in April and Mix-a-Lot's "Baby Got Back" in June—and now he's "covering" another Snoop classic: "Who Am I?"

There are half a dozen of these now, plus some unofficial imitators, but Peter Pan's dad telling you to throw your hands in the motherfuckin' air still hasn't gotten old.

[h/t Tonight Show]

Most of America knows Tim Allen best as the genial, lovable sitcom dad from Home Improvement and his current red-state reassurance vehicle Last Man Standing. But if you were looking for coke in Kalamazoo, Michigan, in the mid-70s, you might have known Tim Allen as your drug dealer. Enough people knew him as such that in 1978 an undercover officer set up a sting operation that might have landed Allen in jail for life had he not snitched on nearly two dozen other dealers.

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McDonald's, the molded plastic king of America's molded plastic cuisine, has decided that money will no longer suffice to purchase its meager offerings; the company now demands that you degrade yourself in order to be fed.

Perhaps you saw McDonald's Super Bowl ad last night. (If you did not, bless you.) In it, the $90 billion corporation films unsuspecting customers being told that no, they may not purchase their McDonald's food for money—instead, they must commit on-camera acts of schmaltz in order to feed the marketing needs of the McDonald's corporation. The price of breakfast? "Dial up your mom, tell her that you love her." The price of a snack? "Telling me what you love about your son." The price of a Happy Meal? "One big family hug." The price of a strawberry sundae? "Dance right now."

To be clear: normal, presumably middle or lower class Americans seeking cheap food are made to grovel and put their most tender family dynamics on public display for use in a $4.5 million commercial that will benefit a $90 billion food corporation that operates solely for its own profit. The consumers in question are rewarded with McDonald's food costing well under $10. This on-camera transaction is meant to demonstrate the affinity for human love that a company that pays its employees poverty-level wages holds in its nonexistent heart.

On top of that, the McDonald's corporation and its vast and well-paid marketing brain trust presume that you, the consumer, will gladly follow in the footsteps of these poor Super Bowl ad victims. They promise to randomly offer McDonald's customers everywhere the chance to degradingly parade their most intimate feelings for their family members around in a McDonald's lobby in exchange for a few dollars worth of unhealthy fast food. If I had the temerity of the McDonald's corporation when it comes to advising Americans how to properly display their emotions, I would recommend that any customer asked to "Dial up your mom" instead call McDonald's corporate headquarters at 630-623-3000 and inform them of your deep disgust with their cynical marketing ploy, and of your intention to never again patronize their restaurants—which, as a former McDonald's employee, I assure you are staffed by underpaid workers all too ready to spit in your food at the slightest provocation.

Dial up your mom, motherfuckers.

Frilled sharks have been around for 80 million years, but they are very rarely seen. So it was quite the event when one of these "living fossils" was snared in an Australian fishing net last week.

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Time travel, as presented to us by Back To The Future, is basically a good deal: You get a hoverboard! You get to teach a gang of '50s teenagers how to rock! You get to drink sodas at completely un-ironic diners! But while a DeLorean ride through time may seem all fun and games, there's a grim fact at its center.

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There have been fewer than 100 confirmed sightings of the megamouth shark, an elusive deep-sea species that uses its huge maw to trap tiny bits of plankton and krill. So when a 15-foot specimen washed ashore in the Philippines this week, scientists were more than overjoyed.

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The rise of the Lootcrate-style service for nerdy merch has just gotten big with announcement that Marvel and Funko are teaming up on a Bi-monthly subscription service to deliver toys and merchandise to your doorstep. But if you're a regularly collector of Funko's Pop! Vinyls, you might not want to get too excited.

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Included with the recent Game of Thrones IMAX screening, this new trailer for the show's upcoming fifth season is, in a word, YOWZA. We've got the first look at Dorne, the other Martells, the long-awaited Tyrion and Varys on-the-road adventure, and so much more! Come help us break it down!

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In the Soviet Union during the 1950s, Western music was seen as a form of neo-fascism or "mysticism" that could infect the youth, and was largely banned. But a recent project called X-Ray Audio has collected bootleg records from the U.S.S.R. that were cut onto x-rays illegally and are now beginning to surface on the internet.

The Guardian has a long interview with X-Ray Audio founder Stephen Coates in which he explains how he first discovered the era of roentgenizdat (the private publication of audio or "bone music") while wandering through St. Petersburg:

"We had arrived to play some shows," recalls the rangy frontman between sips of coffee. "I went for a wander in the flea market and I looked at a stall and thought: 'Is that a record or an x-ray?'"

In an attempt to find out more about what these "bone music" records were, Coates got in touch with an old Russian man named Rudy Fuchs. During the 50s, Fuchs would regularly donate blood in order to make money to cut records, or as The Guardian puts it, "blood money for bone music." Coates explains: "Back in the late 50s, Rock Around the Clock was the track that got Rudy fired up to distribute these records to other people – that and Boogie-Woogie Bugle Boy, which was a revelation."

X-Ray Audio is taking their sonic project to a London gallery, where several of the records will be played live. One of the tracks, "Odessa Mama," is available to listen on their site, and it sounds fucking awesome.

X-rays weren't the only material used to make records:

The clamour among young Russians for jazz and rock'n'roll during the cold war years is brought home by the range of materials on show at X-Ray Audio. Unofficial recordings weren't pressed only on to x-rays – at the Horse Hospital, there are records made from road signs and circular cake plinths.

Coates says his motivation to find these records and archive them on his site is to preserve one way music was sought out before the Spotify era.

[Images via The Guardian/X-Ray Audio]

An exclusive sneak peek at season 5 of Game of Thrones, shown after Thursday's IMAX screenings of last season's basically perfect finale, is now exclusive to the whole damn internet thanks to a clever fan who recorded and uploaded it. What does it tell us about where the show is headed when it comes back in April?

Well, Tyrion's alive (and he's got a beard), we travel to Dorne and meet the Sand Snakes, Littlefinger talks vengeance with Sansa, Olenna Tyrell threatens ... someone, there's a wedding, and the dragons are all grown up. Best of all, there's no Bran (we already knew that, though).

What else? Where does it look like the show will diverge from the books? Let's discuss and dissect. (Spoiler alert is in full effect for the comments section, so go nuts.)

On a very special segment of Conan, late-night TV host Conan O'Brien didn't just have the voice of Sterling Archer, H. Jon Benjamin, on his couch to promote the new season of Archer. He actually became an animated Archer-style character and got involved in the spy's shoot-em-up hijinks.

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It's almost impossible to secure yourself against a food raid from bears. That's because these giant mammals are clever tool users, and they share their tech knowledge with other bears nearby. As a result, bear-proofing technology rarely works for more than a couple of decades before every bear knows how to crack it.

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My quest to find every possible item that could turn my home into a space oasis — provided I had a giant pile of money to that with — has now brought me to a glow-in-the-dark moon credenza. This is important to me.

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Turbo Kid trailer is shoveling fistfuls of nostalgia into your face, and we looooove it. Set in an alternate universe of 1997, the Turbo Kid world is ruled by blood, BMX bikes and more '80s/'90s retro-action. Behold the great trailer for the current Sundance at Midnight selection.

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Becky Stern (previously), the Director of Wearable Electronics at Adafruit Industries, demonstrates how to create the Laugh Track Jacket, a blazer with built-in speakers that provide instant laughter with the press of a button.

Wear your punchlines inside your sleeves.

images via Adafruit

submitted via Laughing Squid Tips