Of course he cried! This is the white witch! The white-winged dove! She IS Rhiannon, the story of a Welsh witch!
Harry Styles, who seems to be quickly reaching a Tay Tay Swift-level of omnipresence lately, was joined by Stevie Nicks at his show at L.A.’s Troubador, last night. They dueted on one of his songs, and two of hers – “Leather and Lace” and “Landslide.” Landslide is already a tearjerker, but then sing it with Stevie herself and try not to fall apart. They should have done “Edge of Seventeen,” because I wanted to see Harry try and match Stevie’s microphone kicks and shawl twirling and fail miserably.
Watch Harry fall apart (at the 4:35 mark), below.
And be sure and clock Stevie’s truly formidable platform boots in that video. Stevie is 68 years old and wearing boots that would snap the ankles of these lesser chicks. She is a goddamn treasure.
On Monday, The Bachelorette will premiere its first season starring a black lead, the lawyer and way-too-good-for-this-bullshit-show-but-goddamn-if-it-isn’t-entertaining Rachel Lindsay. And while this marks a major change in the franchise’s history of exclusively casting white people who have milked a cow in the last month and are also named Kevin, there remains a tradition that has stuck around: the contestants wearing not-great shirts!
These shirts, by the way, are the sole images that ABC releases to the public before the season starts. They, along with a questionnaire, the answers to which range from spectacularly maniacal to maniacally spectacular, are the only information we have to determine just how Kevin-esque each of the contestants are.
So if you’ll join me, below are Rachel’s 31 (!!) suitors and their shirts, ranked from least-worst to worst.
31) Iggy, 30, consulting firm CEO
People may contest that this is a good shirt, but this is a good shirt. It’s substantial, fabric-wise, and it comes in a rich yet muted color. I’m also going to ignore some of Iggy’s more questionable survey responses (his favorite movie is Grandma’s Boy while his favorite magazine is the Harvard Business Review, which does not exactly compute) and instead appreciate the fact that he “hates it when my date is dumb.” Same!
30) Blake E., 31, aspiring drummer
Blake E. gets a pass here because his shirt is so uninteresting I literally can’t even think of anything to say about it. Thankfully, however, aspiring drummer Blake E.’s questionnaire gives us such unfortunate delights, like that he has a tattoo of the letter D “for the dog I rescued,” he hates “when my date tells me about her cats,” and he loves music “with good drums!”
29) Blake K., 29, US Marine veteran
Speaking of Blakes, I am highly into Blake K.’s chartreuse situation, and also the fact that he’s a Marine vet and said that he would like to be The Rock for a day “because he's the only person who could look cool wearing a fanny pack.” Blake K., I am willing to bet that you too could pull off a fanny pack, m’dear.
28) Diggy, 31, senior inventory analyst
Diggy’s pink shirt is good, but HOT DAMN DIGGY’S GLASSES! I’D LIKE TO WARBY HIS PARKER, IS THAT A THING? However, we regret to inform you that Diggy’s “fun story about a one-night stand” is actually a horrifying tale in which Diggy admits to having sex with a girl whose brother goes missing, and then “played asleep so I didn’t have to help!”
27) Grant, 29, emergency medicine physician
Just by looking at Grant’s face and shirt, we already know three important things about Grant: First, that he was the social chair of his frat; second, that he loves “Ice Ice Baby” and Playboy; and third, that he once shit into a 2-liter Coke bottle while on a bus.
26) Brady, 29, male model
Brady, a male model with the face of a serial killer and the shirt of a salami, actually had one very endearing questionnaire answer. When asked about the most romantic present he’d ever received, he didn’t say “a threesome,” like not one but two of the other contestants. Instead, he said this: “Lululemon sweatpants. She knew the way to my heart is cuddling on the couch in well-made, high-quality sweats.” Actually, on second thought, it just seems like Brady is a Lululemon spokesmodel. Disregard.
25) Eric, 29, personal trainer
The third in a series of vaguely cranberry-colored shirts, Eric sets himself apart by answering the question “If you could live in any other time period, what would it be?” with “Before money was involved,” with literally no explanation. Does he mean the dinosaurs? I think he means the dinosaurs.
24) Bryce, 30, firefighter
Cranberry shirt #4 Bryce had one very good answer and three very, very, very bad answers. The good one was that his most romantic gift was a handwritten letter, because “handwritten letters are one of the purest forms of materialized emotion.” The bad answers were that he “could see himself being Matthew McConaughey,” he aspires to be a “professional Instagrammer” and his biggest date fear is that “the chick is actually a dude.” BYE BRYCE.
23) Kenny, 35, professional wrestler
The most aggressive of all the berry-flavored shirts this season, Kenny also spends his Saturday nights doing the very aggressive activity of “wrestling in my underwear for thousands of people.” He is one of many contestants who shouts out The Rock in their answers, but Kenny is the only one about whom he says, “We are very much alike.” That’s some confidence, Kenny.
22) Milton, 31, hotel recreation supervisor
Milton’s henley falls on the “good” end of the henley spectrum, mainly because the buttons don’t reach anywhere near the stomach area. (Are you listening to this, Nick Viall?) Unfortunately, that’s where Milton’s positive qualities end, because other facts about Milton are that he has an inner lip tattoo, he described himself as “Kobe” in a former basketball league, and he thinks being romantic means you’re weak. He also was the sole contestant to answer the question “What do you hope to get out of participating in this television show?” with “Real answer? Discovered. Everyone tells me I'm made for TV/movies. Doesn't mean I'm out here hoping for that, but I would like to break into writing or acting.” Is this honest in a charming way or a gross way? I think it is in a gross way.
21) Jack Stone, 32, attorney
Jack Stone, who goes by the name “Jack Stone” despite the fact that there are no other Jacks on this season, says his worst attribute is being “hard on himself.” I wonder if that’s where his name comes from!!?!??!?!!!!!?????
20) DeMario, 30, executive recruiter
DeMario’s necklace might be a bit much, but I think I am in love with DeMario. DeMario’s dream is to have a pet lion and name him “Denzel, the lion;” he’s “geeky but cool, like The Fonz;” and to the question “Do you like being the center of attention?” he said “I won't lie, I love attention... not like ’07 B Spears attention or 2011 Sheen. Natural attention, like when Justin and Brit wore those incredible denim outfits.” Who else but DeMario could turn a boring question into an opportunity to talk about 2000s pop culture?!
19) Adam, 27, real estate agent
We now move onto a section entitled Boring White Guys In Gray T-Shirts. This is Adam, who loves tacos, Jennifer Lawrence, and Transformers. His most romantic moment was a threesome.
18) Jonathan, 31, “tickle monster”
This is Jonathan. He’s a “tickle monster.” He named Flo Rida as his third-favorite music group.
17) Lucas, 30, “whaboom”
I don’t know what a “whaboom” is and I don’t care. Helpfully, Lucas has described himself in other ways, such as “cat uncle,” “Russian dancer,” and “person who would like to fuck Jessica Rabbit.”
16) Jedidiah, 35, ER physician
I don’t need to tell you that Jedidiah, who wears extremely tight gray V-necks and is named Jedidiah, has not one but two biblical tattoos (if you guessed a) a cross and b) Proverbs 3:5, you’re correct!). But personally, I find the most charming fact about Jedidiah is that when asked what things make him happiest, he answered “new socks, nice hotel rooms, good pens, and in-room coffee.” I’m pretty sure he wrote this while sitting in a hotel room, which is adorable and stupid.
15) Peter, 31, business owner
Rounding out Boring White Guys In Gray T-shirts, here’s Peter, who has competed in three Ironman races and loves Modern Family. Moving on!
14) Matt, 32, construction sales rep
What’s more boring than boring white guys in gray T-shirts? Boring white guys in blue T-shirts! Meet Matt, who loves Wedding Crashers, the band Train, lingerie, and “team sports.” He also had the best answer I’ve ever seen when asked what person he would like to switch places for a day with, which was MATT LAUER!!!!!!!!
13) Rob, 30, law student
Here’s boring white guy in a blue T-shirt #2, Rob, Tom Cruise’s long-lost little brother who once admitted to having blonde highlights and diamond studs in the early 2000s. That’s the most exciting fact about Rob, which I think is all we really need to know.
12) Michael, 26, former professional basketball player
Michael’s quasi-sweatshirt shirt is weird, but Michael himself seems nice: He played basketball professionally (in Bulgaria), wants to have lunch with President Obama, and loves Denzel and the ’90s sitcom Martin. He does, however, follow the Paleo diet, so in the words of Randy Jackson, it’s gonna be a no from me, dawg. Good luck with Rachel, though!
11) Josiah, 28, prosecuting attorney
Josiah seems like a legitimately good match for Rachel — he’s a lawyer, says he’s a natural leader and public speaker, and loves long phone calls with his mom. But literally none of that is evidenced by his choice of shirt, which looks like a the top half of a pajama onesie you wear on Christmas Eve as a joke.
10) Will, 28, sales manager
Meanwhile, here is Will, in the top half of a pajama onesie you wear on Easter as a joke.
9) Mohit, 26, product manager
I don’t much care for Mohit’s shirt, which can’t decide whether it’s a henley (occasionally hot) or baseball tee (rarely hot unless you’re Derek Jeter), but Mohit gave the world an extremely clever way of thinking about beauty routines: When asked how long it takes him to get ready to go out, Mohit replied, “An episode of Seinfeld.” From now on, whenever anyone asks me how long I’ll need, I’ll just say “Three and a half seasons of 30 Rock, so I probably won’t make it after all, bye!”
8) Jamey, 32, sales account executive
Jamey, who has the name of a tiny baby, also appears to have the temperament and personal style of a tiny baby, which includes stripes so teensy weensy you can barely tell they’re there. Jamey loves EDM, is currently getting a tattoo removed, wants his ideal mate to look like “a model,” and describes his best friend of the opposite sex as “I do not have female friends.” Charming!
7) Anthony, 26, education software manager
While Anthony’s shirt color is a bit much, he makes up for it with the fact that he’s the recipient of a Fulbright grant who reads Murakami, and if he could be anyone else for a day, he’d be his mom, so that he could “see the world as she does to understand her better.” ANTHONY WINS, GO HOME, EVERYONE ELSE! BUT MAYBE TAKE ANTHONY’S SHIRT WITH YOU!
6) Bryan, 37, chiropractor
Bryan appears to be an escapee from The Bachelor contestant production facility, as evidenced by his perma-10-o’clock shadow, egregiously deep V, and his name, which is Bryan. He also named The Bachelor as his favorite show, which is just a little too on the nose. This one needed a bit longer in the factory, boys.
5) Dean, 26, startup recruiter
I was going to give Dean the benefit of the doubt with this weird-ass fake acid wash T-shirt because he has a very Rebel Without a Cause vibe happening in the hair area. But then Dean revealed he has an inner lip tattoo that says “Riteous.” And then he had the audacity to say that “whenever a girl tries to bite me I have to stop everything and have a discussion.” DEAN!!! YOU HAVE AN INNER LIP TAT! AT THAT POINT YOU’RE ASKING FOR IT, BUD!!!
4) Kyle, 26, marketing consultant
KYLE, WHAT?! First of all, you don’t need to button down your henley this deeply to show us you shave your chest hair. WE KNOW, KYLE. Also, you do not need the necklace. We are already staring at your chest. More things I want to yell at Kyle about: his answer to the question “Gluten?” which was just “Not really sure what it is or what food it lives in, but I select gluten-free menu options when I can.” WHY!?!??!?!
3) Fred, 27, executive assistant
Come on, Fred. Have you seen this show? You don’t show up in a business-blue oxford and a cream-colored sweater and last longer than Week 3!!! But Fred also did something extremely sneaky, which was that he named Basquiat as his favorite artist. Like I’ve said before, knowing who Basquiat is should immediately disqualify anyone from competing on The Bachelor. But do you know who also named Basquiat as her favorite artist? RACHEL. WE SEE YOU, FRED.
2) Lee, 30, singer/songwriter
Lee, whose shirt is essentially a sandwich board that reads “Please punch me,” loves Matthew McConaughey and Scarface. And judging by his haircut and profession, I’m also guessing playing unrequested renditions of “Crash Into Me” at parties.
1) Alex, 28, information systems supervisor
Alex. Oh, poor, poor Alex. Now, this shirt, while very V-necky and purply and stripy and altogether Far Too Much, is not a crime in itself. Yet Alex’s questionnaire responses are just too good not to publish in full. So please, save your opinions about Alex’s shirt to the following Alex facts:
What are your 3 worst attributes? Selfish, unemotional, unapologetic
What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? Ate a live salamander
Who are your top 3 favorite groups/artists & why? Coldplay, Beatles... Can't really think of a third one. Music isn't a big part of my life.
Who is your favorite artist? The Rock (Dwayne Johnson)
Remember, without Alexes, we don’t have a reality show. I look forward to Alex and Rachel discussing their favorite artworks on Week One, and then never seeing Alex’s face again.
Remodeled inside. Chicken coop outside. New and old meet again.
Cedar shingle siding wrap this 1906 bungalow in traditional Northwest style. The 2005 remodel by Ninebark Architects is also a classic, a classic balancing of old and new.
Both hard and soft woods provide warm flooring. Wood slat ceilings are less common, and a reminder of the original construction. Someone put them up there over a hundred years ago and they’ve survived passing trends of popcorn ceilings and acoustic tiles. One alteration is the addition of modern fixtures.
Folks familiar with commercial kitchens may appreciate stainless steel that isn’t constrained to the appliances. The counters are sheets of metal that are lighter and less likely to chip than slabs of stone. Open overhead shelving provides airflow and connects the rooms, while also providing storage, of course.
At least one of the three bedrooms has modernistic closets and skylights that are relatively recent additions.
Check out the innovation shower in one of the one and three-quarter bathrooms. Large square tiles wrap the enclosure and extend to the flooring. The innovative use of space was putting the sink in the shower area, an all-in-one cleaning station.
They found room for an office and an entry/reading nook in the 1,200 square-foot house.
Outside, get rural in an urban neighborhood. A chicken coop, tool shed, and raised beds help gardeners grow their own food. The bonus is an insect eating patrol that produces eggs. Check to see if the flock is part of the deal.
A private deck and patio provide places to take that reading or dining outdoors. Simple pleasures.
One requirement for enjoying the house, successfully negotiating the deal for the $550,000 property.
Hello Friends! Like most small children who go on summer vacation after spectacularly arduous finals, the days for me have begun to blur together and it was only this afternoon that I realized today was not in fact Wednesday.
Anyway, apologies to the horse people on the internet, I seem to have found the only dang house in Kentucky without horses, but to be fair, the horses didn’t do anything to deserve my wrath. In fact, I don’t know why horses put up with all our dumb human BS. Horses of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your reins! Just remember what happened to Cobalt in The Saddle Club!!!!
Like most weird girls, I, too, used to read too many horse books as a kid.
This lovely 2003 house boasts 4 bedrooms and 4.5 baths, pushing a total of ~6000 square feet. It can be yours for just under $800,000!
Sadly, there are no dank lawyer foyer pics, so we’re gonna start with the
Nothing says passion like painting every visible surface red. I mean, those lampshades could def get an indifferent spouse rowdy, see what I’m saying?
Like Willy Wonka, I have little patience for gum chewers, especially smackers.
Also trying to cook from a cooking show seems like such a hassle before DVR.
Pay attention, friends, this room is to set the tone for the rest of the post. Also Confession: The Notebook made me cry like a weenie in the 9th grade.
Personally, I keep fresh sheets and pillowcases in my bedside drawer, along with a copy of Panic! At the Disco’s first album. Anyways, are the Red Hat Ladies even around anymore??? That stuff was a staple of 90s Hallmark stores. In fact, I’m pretty sure they’re the ones responsible for the whole Live Love Laugh thing. The arch-trolls of our generation.
Maybe if I quit eating avocado toast (I’m sorry I’m never going to get over how extremely dumb that article is) I’ll be able to afford some bathtub plants and a mortgage.
This kid must at least be in college by now, so that bedspread is a little unusual. I mean, I’m not judging - my bedspread has rowhouses on it.
I remember the good ol’ days when yours truly was a bona fide member of the Myspace group “NO PREPS ALLOWED”
MAN CAVE (It has a sign)
We artsy fartsy folks love to lay the crap on college athletes, finding them undeserving of coveted scholarships just because they trained their bodies to do dumb crap involving balls. However, when I read this essay in 2011, it really changed the way I saw college athletes - they might get their school paid for but they get punished in so many other ways.
Still, like most artsy fartsy people, I intensely dislike sports because I am not good at them.
Can’t wait to spill red wine on a beige carpet.
I now intensely believe the theory that red walls make you agitated and irritable because I am those things. Also there’s ur dang horse, Kentucky people.
Finally, our tour comes to an end.
Can’t wait to have that damask wrought iron branding right on the ol’ bummeroo.
Anyways, that’s it for Kentucky - Join me on Sunday for a long-awaited post about 18th Century architectural theory, and next Wednesday’s Maine McMansion!
If you like this post, and want to see more like it, consider supporting me on Patreon!Also JUST A HEADS UP - I’ve started posting a GOOD HOUSE built since 1980 from the area where I picked this week’s McMansion as Wednesday bonus content on Patreon! Not into small donations and sick bonus content? Check out the McMansion Hell Store- 100% goes to charity.
Ever since it was announced that Penelope Cruz will be trying to transform her Spanish accent into an Italian accent to play Donatella Versace in Ryan Murphy’sThe Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story(which was called Versace: American Crime Story), I’ve been waiting to take in the sight of Penny in opulent fashion bitch drag. The paps took pictures of Penny as she strut to the set in Miami, FL yesterday, and well, I’m getting more “Penelope Cruz as Erika Jayne going to a funeral” than Donatella Versace.
The third season of ACS is set in the late-90s and so that was before Donatella checked into The Jim Henson Company’s studios and got them to transform her into the exquisitely-crafted rubber Muppet blossom she is today. So that’s why Penelope looks so basically boring and natural. Even though I really just see Penelope Cruz in a blond wig, I’m still not going to hate. It could’ve been ten times worse. It could’ve been Lady Gaga.
Amy Sedaris is getting a new TV show. At Home With Amy Sedaris will air on TruTV in the fall of 2017 and star the comedian as herself. This is all very exciting. Amy Sedaris is one of the special ones.
While Sedaris has appeared in guest or recurring roles since Strangers With Candy ended in 2000 — most notably as Princess Carolyn on BoJack Horseman and Mimi Kanasis on Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt — there has been nothing on TV from her wonderful, specific brain ever since. (Note: Strangers co-creator Paul Dinello will serve as a consulting producer on the series.) She has released two popular books, however — I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence and Simple Times: Crafts for Poor People! — and it appears they are the basis for the overdue series. The announcement called the show a “one-of-a-kind mash up of hospitality, variety, and talk show formats,” which seems to translate to “We’ve given Sedaris a budget and a half-hour time slot for her to do anything she wants.” You know that song “Shelter From the Storm” by Bob Dylan? This news is like the shelter part. All other news is the storm part.
How a crafty vintage curator turned her tiny Hayes Valley apartment into a junior one bedroom
When Catie Nienaber moved into her Hayes Valley apartment almost seven years ago, she kept what you might think of as a typical studio: a desk, some space-conscious shelving, and a bed right smack in the middle of the main living space.
"When you have people over, there's the unacknowledged vulgarity of the bed right there in the living room," she says. "I wanted this to be more of a space where I can have friends over and have chairs for people to sit in. Hence I turned my walk-in closet into the world's smallest one-bedroom."
Nienaber, who works by day as a human resources administrator for a startup and runs the online store Dronning Vintage in her off hours, went looking for a mattress that would fit in her walk-in closet, but the closet wasn't deep enough for a standard twin. So she had one custom-made.
"It's basically a Euro-twin: a twin bed, except 10 inches shorter," she explains. Inside, there's no clearance around the mattress—that would take up too much space!—so Nienaber has to get into bed from the bottom, the way you'd crawl into a tent. There's no lamp, no bedside table, not even an outlet. Think of it as a cave for sleeping.
"It's pitch dark," says Nienaber. "I sleep so well. It's the best I ever sleep because everything's just shut out."
When we visited, Nienaber had about 400 items for Dronning's Etsy store stashed around the apartment, all cleverly hidden away in closets, bins, and—in the case of about a dozen hats—a vintage 1970s cooler.
Canvas baskets atop the bookshelves house handbags and shoes, and storage bins of clothes line the space above the kitchen cabinets, though most people don't spot those, says Nienaber.
The apartment, located in a multi-unit building that began its life in the 1920s as a hotel, clocks in at 430 square feet, including the closets. Oddly, though, the presence of a wall-to-wall mattress cloaked in darkness is only the second most remarkable thing about it. For such a small place, it's impressively empty.
When she moved in, the walls were off-white—"that rental French vanilla beige"—and the blinds were those standard-issue metal slats that come coated with years of other people's dust. Nienaber painted most of the walls gray and ordered a custom set of slouchy Roman blinds, which she installed with a vintage drill that had been her grandfather's.
"It's so badass," she says. "It weighs 15 pounds." Nienaber left one wall white in the kitchen, where she wheels in her dress form to shoot pictures for Dronning's Etsy store.
With bare walls and one high shelf, her bedroom is the apartment's sole unadorned space. "It's not decorated at all because I never intended anyone to see it," says Nienaber.
Here’s what’s a-happening: Tyler Perry’s The Passionmay have brought Christian rock to live TV, but NBC’s stepping it up with a live production of the 1971 rock opera Jesus Christ Superstar. The show’s creators Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice, alongside former NBC live-musical producers Craig Zadan and Neil Meron, will executive produce the live production, which will air on Easter Sunday, a.k.a. April 1, 2018. Jesus Christ Superstar Live! follows in the footsteps of NBC’s previous live takes on The Sound of Music,Peter Pan, The Wiz, and Hairspray. If Easter Sunday sounds like far too long to wait for a new live musical to enjoy/vigorously criticize on Twitter, rest assured that the network’s take on Bye Bye Birdiewill come in December, just in time for J.Lo to help you celebrate the birth of Christ.
Martha Stewart, queen of Twitter, doesn’t use the site the way the rest of us do. When she needs a question answered or a mystery celebrity identified, she turns to the app’s denizens for an assist. “I can get a read on a question, on a problem, on a thing we’re doing pretty quickly and that’s really what I like about it,” she told BuzzFeed News. “It’s almost instantaneous.” That’s how she discovered Jonathan Cheban’s identity (Kim Kardashian’s friend/Foodgōd). Last June, Stewart asked the internet if Cheban was famous (the internet responded, “Well …”).
“I had no idea who he was,” Stewart told BuzzFeed. Now, she says the two are friends: “I didn’t know at all and he was so mad at me. But then he saw all the attention he got, so now he loves me. He calls me and he emails me. But I had no idea because I had never watched the Kardashian program … I didn’t know he was part of the coterie of people who hang out with her. Now I know — big time!”
As for her other viral thread about Jason Derulo stripping down during a performance on an especially hot night, Stewart said it makes use of Twitter’s other good feature: education.
“I’d never seen him perform live so it keeps me kind of interested in that kind of performance to photograph it and tweet about it,” Stewart recalled. “I’m learning something while I’m doing it, so that’s good for me.” Remember this: If you’re not shading someone on “the Kardashian program” or praising Jason Derulo’s artistry, that tweet you’re drafting is a waste of everyone’s time.
Linda Evangelista (52)
Missy Franklin (22)
Shaun Ross (26)
Lauren Potter (27)
Mat Franco (29)
Odette Annable (32)
Kenan Thompson (39)
Todd Lowe (40)
Andrea Anders (42)
Helio Castroneves (42)
Leslie Stefanson (46)
Dallas Roberts (47)
Erik Palladino (49)
Young MC (50)
Lisa Nowak (54)
Victoria Rowell (58)
Ellen Ochoa (59)
Paige O’Hara (61)
Miuccia Prada (68)
Barbara Taylor Bradford (84)
Sid Vicious (1957-1979)
Fred Astaire (1899-1987)
Ana Gasteyer (50)
Alexander Gould (23)
Grace Phipps (25)
Little Boots (33)
Dallon Weekes (36)
Lance Bass (38)
Erin Andrews (39)
Kimora Lee Simmons (42)
Mike Dirnt (45)
Will Arnett (47)
Randy Travis (58)
Oleta Adams (64)
Pia Zadora (64)
Michael Barrymore (65)
Jackie Jackson (66)
Mick Mars (63 or 66)
Russi Taylor (73)
Katherine Jackson (87)
Sharon Jones (1956-2016)
Audrey Hepburn (1929-1993)
Candice Bergen (71)
Christy Mack (26)
Grace Gummer (31)
Chris Zylka (32)
Audrina Patridge (32)
Rosario Dawson (38)
Matt Morris (38)
Andrew W.K. (38)
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Chris Diamantopoulos (42)
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Lisa Ann (45)
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James L. Brooks (77)
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In early March, a friend of mine texted me to ask if I wanted to be a talent producer for the Fyre Festival. I’d never heard of it, but the gig involved going to the Bahamas and being paid extremely well. So I said yes and packed my...More »
“All in all, I’d have to say they’re really... not bad!” —Lisa Luder
Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion came out 20 years ago today (!!!!!). You’d think that the clothes in this iconic film about attending your high school reunion when your life seems lacking would have aged poorly, but quite the opposite. Not only have Romy and Michele’s 1997-era crop tops, chokers, and fruit prints remained relevant and stylish, but their looks from high school have also aged tremendously well, thanks to fashion’s never-ending infatuation with ‘80s style.
The titular subjects of the film, Romy (Mira Sorvino) and Michele (Lisa Kudrow), were total misfits in high school. During their formative years in Tucson, they took fashion cues from “Like a Prayer”-era Madonna, opting for goth-lite shoulder-padded blazers and crimped hair over the pastels and country-club cardigans preferred by the popular “A-Group.” In other words, Romy and Michele kept up with the trends, while the “cool kids” were dressing in their moms’ Ann Taylor hand-me-downs (remember, this was beforeLoft was kind of cool). Though they were tortured for being different, the two best friends had fabulous style — but no one in their high school was cool enough to realize it (except maybe Sandy Frink).
Cut to Los Angeles 10 years later: After hightailing it to a trendier town, Romy and Michele’s styles became more colorful, fun, and form-fitting. They never met a matching set or lace-up bodysuit they didn’t like. Truly, it’s almost spooky how Romy and Michele’s costumes foreshadowed current trends. The duo embraced athleisure long before Kate Hudson started hawking it. Romy’s prom dress preceded Carrie Bradshaw’s iconic Sex and the City tutu. Michele even wore a waist trainer at one point! If Instagram had been around in 1997, Romy and Michele would probably be influencers promoting teatoxes and vitamin gummies (which, by the way, are a healthy part of any fat-free, all-candy diet).
Despite their awesome beachside apartment, massive closet, and weekly Pretty Woman viewing parties, however, Romy and Michele still aren’t content with their postgrad lives. They don’t have boyfriends, and Michele is unemployed. Still determined to make it to their high school reunion, Romy and Michele come up with a cover story: They invented Post-Its and are now rich and successful entrepreneurs. (By the way, their sharp-shouldered “businesswoman special” outfits couldn’t be more modern; I could see Audrey Gelman wearing them to stump for Liz Warren in 2020.)
After eventually realizing that, duh, their actual lives are pretty awesome, Romy and Michele strut into their reunion wearing self-designed dresses (DIY, so 2017!) that perfectly reflect their style. They’re short, sparkly, and low-cut; Michele’s is millennial pink and trimmed with maribou. Both look like the sort of thing you could find at Reformation today. They’re even wearing chokers!
The A-Group, the members of which are still clinging to their drab pastels and pearls, scoff at Romy and Michele’s dresses. That is, until Lisa Luder, former mean girl-turned-Vogue editor, shows up in a minimalist cream pantsuit and pixie cut. She asserts that yes, Romy and Michele are indeed fabulous, and have always been — so stick it up your tailpipe, Christy Masters!
Romy and Michele aren’t the only characters whose costumes have aged beautifully, though. Take the wise-beyond-her-years Heather Mooney (Janeane Garofalo). Heather’s all-black uniform is as representative of her character in 1997 as it is of the 2017 political climate. Even though Heather wasn’t exactly fashion-conscious, look at the details of her reunion look: the sheer sleeves, the jeweled cufflinks, the defiant stance that says #ImStillWithHer. Heather was, and still is, the epitome of minimalist goth chic.
And while Justin Theroux’s character, Clarence, had a cowboy-casual look isn’t really my thing, there’s no denying that he has aged spectacularly. Those cheekbones? Timeless.
At the end of the film, Romy and Michele open their own clothing store on Rodeo Drive and stock it with their signature peppy prints and adorable mini dresses. Not only do I believe this store would still be in business if it were real, but I’m confident it would be turning a profit like never before, snagging celebrity ambassadors like Charli XCX and any number of Hadids or Jenners. So why doesn’t it exist? Now more than ever, America needs a Romy and Michele pop-up shop. After all, who wouldn’t want to have a Romy and Michele day?
The other day, I was transporting three cartons of marigolds on my basket-less bike’s handlebars when one carton capsized and cruel gravity brought my flowers out of their dirt. There is no disconnect quite like the one that exists between what I think I can do while riding my bike vs. my actual cycling reality. I blame my hubris and resulting failure on, if you can believe it, music videos. I am perpetually trying to carry a trumpet or wear a dress on a bike, as I have previously seen set to my favorite music, only to have my hopes dashed when I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirrored surface or make eye contact with someone who I have horrified. Here are some of the videos, if you will have them, that haunt me with a brazen misunderstanding of bikes and unreasonable aspirations as to my appearance while riding.
Riding with a large group that generally maintains the same pace as you
Biking in the dark of night with no lights and no apparent fear of law enforcement enforcing the law against not using lights in the dark of night
Cycling without a helmet
These are the feelings and aptitudes I seek when I am cutting through an unlit Prospect Park at 10pm, filled with fear after watching 2/3 of Lifetime’s Who Killed JonBenét but then deciding to leave to go to an acquaintance’s party.
“Put Your Records On” by Corinne Bailey Rae (2006)
Not needing to lock your bike when you gets off of it to put ribbons in trees(?)
Being dressy on a bike with no additional gear, not even a helmet
In my mind, I am CBR, but in reality, I am riding my bike through Industrial Maspeth, Queens, sweating through a bra I unfairly promised myself I would never wear on a day I am going to sweat (every day).
The roller skater high five at 0:45 expresses an unspoken camaraderie with other wheeled beings
When he drums on the handlebars…!
No helmets still
Once, I saw a cyclist whiz down Metropolitan Avenue, throw his head back, and scream-sing, “Today is the greatest,” from the Smashing Pumpkins song “Today” (1993), and even this moment wasn’t all that enjoyable in the end because I know it sounds made up when I try to tell other people.
Having almost no issues shooting stuff into the air while biking
Having enough money that shooting it into the air is a viable option
Again, using a hat as a helmet
Last fourth of July, I rode my bike around Governor’s Island and threw grapes, one at a time, into the air for my friend who was riding behind me to catch in her mouth, but she didn’t catch a single one because “I” was “bad” “at throwing???” Then, when we were back, we rode through residential Brooklyn and passed a girl who was doing braids like a lemonade stand but for hair and she gave me a braid crown for only $6, and okay, okay, yeah, that’s pretty cinematic I see your point. :)
Chris Soules, aka Prince Farming from the 19th season of The Bachelor, contestant on The Bachelorette, and fourth runner up on the 20th season of Dancing with the Stars, is currently in trouble with the law for allegedly fucking up real bad in Buchanan County, Iowa. According to TMZ, Chris Soules rear-ended a John Deere tractor trailer with his pick-up truck on a road last night at around 8:20, sending the tractor and driver into the ditch. Instead of sticking around, he reportedly fled the scene in a panic; state patrol tells KWWL Iowa 7 that he left his truck behind. An ambulance arrived and took the tractor driver to the hospital, where he died.
Chris Soules was apprehended after a witness at the scene identified who the hit-and-run driver was. Not that there was any doubt who he was; he was arrested wearing a shirt with his name on it.
He was charged with leaving the scene with a death. He also reportedly received medical attention. As of 7:45am, he was being arraigned in court. TMZ got their hands on his arrest documents, and police claim Chris Soules was in possession of booze containers at the time of the crash. He is currently being held on a $10,000 cash bond.
Today is bound to be a rude awakening for Chris Soules. He was so used to having women fight for the chance to hear him say the words “Will you accept this rose?“. I highly doubt any of them will be answering his collect call from jail asking “Will you loan me a couple thousand dollars for bail?“.
We normally think of Bunnies at Easter and Reindeer at Christmas. But on April 12, a Reindeer named Bunny at the Brookfield Zoo delivered a fawn just a few days before Easter.
This is the first Reindeer birth at the zoo since 1980. Bunny and the sire, Karl, arrived at the Brookfield Zoo in 2015 and 2016, respectively.
Photo Credit: Brookfield Zoo
The male fawn weighed about seven pounds at birth, but is expected to grow rapidly, fueled by his mothers’ rich milk. Within just one hour of birth, the fawn was up and walking. A one-day-old Reindeer fawn can outrun a human.
Reindeer are pregnant for six-and-a-half to eight months. Fawns are born with dark fur that acts as camouflage and absorbs heat from the sun, an important feature for a species that lives in cold climates. By the time the fawn is a few months old, it will shed its dark fur as lighter-colored fur grows in. Little antler buds will also begin to develop in a few months. In most Reindeer populations, both sexes grow antlers.
Reindeer, called Caribou in North America, live in Norway, Finland, Siberia, Greenland, Alaska, Canada, and a few other locations. However, herds have been reported to be smaller in size than usual. This apparent decline has been linked to climate change. There are 14 subspecies of Reindeer, including two that have gone extinct. Reindeer are listed as Vulnerable by the International Union for Conservation of Nature.
Every money-grubbing fame whore is shaking their heads in embarrassment at Spencer and Heidi today. If they did this ten years ago, their UsWeekly cover would be worth so much more money and they’d get at least one spin-off from MTV. But, it’s better late than never to sell the news of your fetus. Online crystal mogul Spencer and silicone robot Heidi tell UsWeekly that she’s 12 weeks pregnant and is due on October 19.
33-year-old Spencer and 30-year-old Heidi have been married for 8 years, which is a fact that should go down as the most surprising thing to happen in history. Spencer and Heidi did a full interview with UsWeekly and it’s about as riveting as watching piss dry on a toilet seat. But here’s a piece of it:
Us: Why wait until now for a baby? HM: I wanted a baby three years ago. Spencer was a little hesitant. Then one thing after another came up. We had work obligations, like Celebrity Big Brother in the U.K., which I did not want to be pregnant for. I’m actually really thankful we waited. I thought I was ready in my twenties, but with everything we had going on, it just wouldn’t have been a good situation for us. SP: Agreed. I think I’m ready. I know Heidi is ready! HM: It might never be the perfect time, so we said, Let’s move forward. We had all these conversations. We’re older, we have more life experience. Nothing is holding us back.
Us: What made you think you were pregnant? HM: I felt nauseous and I wanted to know, so I took a pregnancy test. I was so shocked; Spencer wasn’t. He was so sure it would happen right away. He was like, “You’re going to get pregnant the first time we try.”
Us: Had you been trying long? HM: It happened the first month!
Congratulations to these two messes! I, for one, can’t wait to see what kind of hilariously desperate pap photo shoots they’re going to make little UsWeekly Montag-Pratt pose in. Yes, they’re totally going to name their child UsWeekly Montag-Pratt. Gone are the days when a fame whore could get a big check just for giving the exclusive details of their newborn to a tabloid. They gotta name the baby after the tabloid now.