Krankota

Hovertext: No I will NOT use a handcrank.

Hovertext: All corrections to the above, please send to my brother Marty, who is to be blamed for my inadequate knowledge of computing.

Written shortly after reading Sydney Padua's wonderful ball of yarns. 

All dogs are good dogs. This is objective fact and I will not hear any arguments against it. But some dogs, like Miss Babe Ruth of Greensboro, N.C., are better dogs. Since she was a nine-month-old puppy, the black labrador retriever has worked for the Class A Greensboro Grasshoppers, living up to her breed’s namesake and doing some retrieving.

Read more...

Who’s ready for a big, fat line of pure, uncut Americana? If you answered “yes” or “no” or did not answer at all out of fear and/or confusion, you’re in luck! Because it’s Fair Season, people, and you’re all invited. So grab your taste for sodium nitrates, and let’s get moving.

Read more...

USA TODAY Sports

Ciara’s boyfriend Russell Wilson, also known as the quarterback of the Seattle Seahawks, said some interesting things about brain injuries while hawking a new product in which he’s invested, Reliant Recovery Water. Not interesting in the educational sense, mind you — in fact, pretty much the opposite of that. Basically, he pulled a Dr. Oz while he was talking to Rolling Stone:

[Recovery Water has] nanobubbles and electrolytes that purportedly helps people recover quickly from workouts and, according to Wilson, injury. He mentions a teammate whose knee healed miraculously, and then he shares his own testimonial.

“I banged my head during the Packers game in the playoffs, and the next day I was fine,” says Wilson. “It was the water.”

Rodgers offers a hasty interjection. “Well, we’re not saying we have real medical proof.”

But Wilson shakes his head, energized by the subject. He speaks with an evangelist’s zeal.

“I know it works.” His eyes brighten. “Soon you’re going to be able to order it straight from Amazon.”

Leaving aside the snake-oil speech for the product with dubious (imaginary?) health benefits, did Russ just say he had a head injury and didn’t do anything about it but drink nanobubble water? That’s what people wanted to know when Rolling Stone‘s profile was published on Wednesday, so Russ naturally had to clarify that no, he didn’t have a concussion — though he still has no idea about the science of brain injuries (or hydration):

“I didn’t have a concussion,” Wilson said. “I guess it was perceived wrong. I did not have a concussion. I was saying that I had been consistently drinking the water for a month and a half — five, seven times a day. And I was like, ‘Man, maybe this stuff is helping me out.’ ”

Wilson said teammates like Kam Chancellor and Russell Okung also use the water.

“I didn’t have a head injury, but what I was trying to say is I think it helped prevent it,” he said. “I think your brain consists of like 75, 80 percent water, so I think that just being hydrated, drinking the recovery water really does help.”

That sound you just heard was the sound of everyone who knows the first thing about biology slamming their heads against their desks. “Well, your body’s mostly water, so superwater must make your body better!” is just about as dumb as “You only use 10 percent of your brain!” AND SO HELP ME IF YOU STILL THINK THAT IS TRUE. SO HELP ME.

Russell, we all understand that you have products you want to promote, but do not sell this kind of crap to actual reporters who put it on the internet. Save it for the 4 a.m. infomercials in which you’d surprisingly show up and convince half-asleep people that your shiny teeth can’t tell lies.

(Via ESPN and Rolling Stone)

This is a pretty good week for young people doing awesome sports things. First we had the high-schooler who put on an absolute clinic while nailing 120 three-pointers in 5 minutes; now we have this Pee-Wee quarterback who might also be a spectacular magician.

In the spectacular clip above, you’ll see this little dude channel his inner Houdini and escape what looks to be a surefire sack, then scramble before airing out an excellent toss on the run to one of his receivers for one of the funnest touchdowns you’ll see for a while. He’s basically Michael Vick from Madden 2004, so this team is a filthy cheater for using him.

(Via SB Nation)

There is a man who, through repeated experimentation, figured out how to get a bigger Chipotle burrito without paying more. Several of you have emailed me about how terrible he is, and ordinarily, I’d be all over that. Just one problem, though: absolutely nothing he suggests is terrible in any way.

Read more...

I do not think that the world is in any danger of running out of people who believe winning is the only thing worth feeling good about. I think the world has absorbed Vince Lombardi’s deranged ethic quite well.

Read more...

Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. Today, we’re covering drug deals, volleyball, toasters, and more.

Read more...

Welcome back to Ask a Lawyer, where I, a lawyer, respond to your questions. Got a vexing legal issue? Send it over, or drop it in the comments below. Today’s query:

Read more...

If you’ve ever seen any one of Matthew McConaughey’s Lincoln commercials, you know they’re basically a shortened version of his True Detective monologues. You know, something something time is a flat circle something something leather seats something optional moonroof.

Anyway, Baltimore Ravens kicker Justin Tucker parodied this for a local commercial for Carbiz. And, wouldn’t you know it, he did a pretty good job mumbling aimlessly about driving a car with two feet. If nothing else, the ad worked because, forced into understanding the context of everything, I had to Google “Carbiz.” So, congrats, Carbiz ad execs. Y’all are an every day Don Draper. And Tucker is an every day McConaughey.

Alright, alright, alright.

(Via Corner Unit Media)

Okay, Marco Rubio. Do your best Jay Cutler impression.

The presidential hopeful and junior senator from Florida was in Iowa, hamming it up for cameras when…

Bloomberg

You know a thinkpiece is coming. You know someone is sitting at their computer right comparing this to Howard Dean’s scream and Michael Dukakis in the tank. “Will this cost Marco Rubio the Iowa primary?”

I both hate and love the Internet.

(Via The Big Lead)

Bernie Sanders, the senator from the very great state of Vermont, is campaigning to be the next president of the United States of America. As such, he is giving speeches throughout the land. This past weekend, his ongoing tour took him to Seattle, Wash., where he stumped in front of people at Westlake Park until he was interrupted by Marissa Janae Johnson and Mara Jacqeline Willaford, the two co-founders of the Seattle chapter of Black Lives Matter. They were booed by those in attendance, but justified themselves by saying Sanders needed to release his plan on police reform and be held “publicly accountable for his lack of support for the Black Lives Matter movement and his blatantly silencing response to the ‪#‎SayHerName‬ ‪#‎IfIDieInPoliceCustody‬ action that took place at Netroots,” a conference at which he and fellow Democratic candidate Martin O’Malley were challenged and heckled by Black Lives Matter supporters in July. Even after winning a long moment of silence for Michael Brown, Johnson and Willaford refused to hand over the microphones back to Sanders, and the rally was cut short.

Read more...

A porthole is a boat, a boat a ship of life. Tossed upon the seas of life am I, watching from my porthole boat. A boat, a boat. A boataboat. Putt putt putt putt putt.

Read more...

When I was little, I was convinced my dad was the Blown Away Guy. I was sure that was my dad’s martini swept up in the audio tempest, my dad’s tie thrashing behind him. The lush-haired guy in that ’80s-dominating ad for Maxell cassettes getting blasted by the music blasting from a pair of JBL speakers, the veritable image of cool: It was Kevin Carroll, my dad. I was certain.

Read more...

Well, @MassiveDumps4U, Pittsburgh is not on the East Coast. You can check it here: https://t.co/d882Ds5ULA

August 10, 2015

Read more...

Why is that large child getting carried around by his dad? He’s way too big for that. What a weird family.

Read more...

Ryan Adams is covering Taylor Swift’s 1989. The whole thing. I love that he’s doing this. I also love that he’s a huge, loveable weirdo who likes a wide variety of music across different genres, and makes a wide variety of music across different genres. Remember when in he put out something like 11 albums —some rap, some punk, some hardcore— in the mid ‘00s? Remember when he made that sci-fi metal album in 2010? He’s an odd guy. An extremely cool, capable, and talented odd guy.

Read more...