Albert Burneko is off. Your guest Foodspinner is pudding defender and friend of the program Miserable Shitehawk.

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With thanks to Three Panel Soul .

Dogs.

Renowned for being somewhat derpy.

imgur.com

But what if...

derpy-dogs.tumblr.com

...it's not quite that simple?

threepanelsoul.com

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It’s not a bathroom, it’s a PISS GRAVEYARD.

They’re not pants, they’re an ASS CAGE.

It’s not a vacuum cleaner, it’s a CHOKING ROBOT.

It’s not an alarm clock, it’s the METAL AWAKENING.

It’s not a door, it’s a WALL COFFIN.

It’s not a freezer, it’s a DINNER SARCOPHAGUS.

Those aren’t stairs, that’s a MUTILATED FLOOR.

That’s not a toothbrush, it’s a MOUTH INVADER.

That’s not a phone, it’s a VOICE PRISON.

That’s not a teakettle, that’s the LEAF COMMUNION.

That’s not a spice rack, that’s a FLAVOR CATACOMB.

Those aren’t Band-Aids, they’re SKIN LIES.

That’s not a sink, that’s a PIPE VOMITORIUM.

That’s not a comb, that’s a HAIR PIERCER.

That’s not a duvet, that’s a TAXIDERMIED BLANKET.

That’s not a litter box, it’s CAT SHIT JAIL.

They’re not boots, they’re FOOT CORSETS.

That cat isn’t fixed, he’s INTO HARDCORE CASTRATION BODY MODS.

Read more A Grounded Goth Teen Angrily Renames Household Items at The Toast.

Issues surrounding police brutality and transparency have a way of cropping up over and over again in the form of tragedy, unfortunately. So a few teen siblings with a background in app coding have decided to help find a solution with their police rating app, Five-O.

The Christian siblings, Ima (16), Asha (15), and Caleb (14), were inspired by the words of their parents, who always tried to turn their conversations about the issues in the news towards solutions. As Ima Christan told Business Insider:

We’ve been hearing about the negative instances in the news, for instance most recently the Michael Brown case, and we always talk about these issues with our parents. They always try to reinforce that we should focus on solutions. It’s important to talk about the issues, but they try to make us focus on finding solutions. That made us think why don’t we create an app to help us solve this problem.

The teens already had knowledge of coding from creating two other apps and their own software company, Pinetart Inc. Five-O is similar to Yelp or any other ratings app and lets you create your own report of exactly what took place in your interaction with the police.

Here’s what it’s capable of from the product description on the Google Play download page for the free app:

The Five-O app empowers citizens to rate, review and store the details of their interactions with local law enforcement officers. The system then aggregates all scores for a particular county or police officer and assigns by county and officer a dynamic grade for courtesy and professionalism. Citizens are also able to search incident comments by county, state and officer identification number in order to access incident descriptions posted by other users.

It also features community message boards for users to band together and try to affect real-world change based on the app’s findings. Fixing what’s broken with law enforcement is an ambitious project for anyone, but that doesn’t phase the Christians. According to Caleb Christian, “You’re never too young to learn, and you’re never too young to make a difference.”

(image via Dave Conner)

Previously in police and tech

• Police can use Kinect to analyze crime scenes
• Police used Photoshop skills to convince everyone not to drink and drive
• Meanwhile, Philadelphia police will send 16-bit game villains after you

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Two months ago Mike Carey walked away from his job as an NFL referee, a job he had done quite well for 19 seasons. He moved to the CBS booth to work as a rules analyst, joining the likes of Greg Gumbel, James Brown and Deion Sanders.

Recently CBS gave their on-air talent the choice to use “Redskins” during broadcasts of Washington football games. As it turns out, Carey had taken that stand a long time ago.

“The league respectfully honored my request not to officiate Washington,” Carey said. “It happened sometime after I refereed their playoff game in 2006, I think.”

Wait, that was 8 years ago? How did no one notice? There are guys who spend their lives monitoring every nook and cranny of the NFL—and they didn’t pick up on this? Dang.

Carey went on to detail his issue with the name. Here are some of his quotes.

“I’ve called them Washington all my life,” he said, when finally asked. “And I will continue to call them Washington.”

“It just became clear to me that to be in the middle of the field, where something disrespectful is happening, was probably not the best thing for me.”

“Human beings take social stances,” he said. “And if you’re respectful of all human beings, you have to decide what you’re going to do and why you’re going to do it.”

Good for you Mike Carey. Good for you taking that stand and making a silent but strong statement. Sadly, this will have no effect on Dan Snyder. Sadly, this isn’t a mere blip on the Synder hate-radar.

Filed under: Media, Sports Tagged: mike carey, NFL, NFL referee, Washington Redskins

The Taney Dragons, representing Pennsylvania, will take on Nevada in a Little League World Series semifinal tonight. On the mound for the Dragons will be Mo'ne Davis, a 13-year-old girl whom you have surely heard of by now. You should be watching this game, because even though this is just little league baseball, Mo'ne is as rare a talent as you'll ever see in sports.

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I started riding when I was twenty-one, and at the time the only thing I knew about motorcycles was that I didn’t want to be someone else’s passenger. The first motorcycle I bought was beautiful and tiny: a Honda Rebel 250 with an electric blue paint job and a speedometer that worked sporadically. It fit me perfectly. Over the course of the first summer I rode it, I was excited to experiment with taking passengers—mostly women, as small and light as I am, but once I took a man who must’ve weighed almost two hundred pounds around the block and vowed never to subject my cycle or my nerves to such an imposition again. By the time the next summer rolled around, I’d been dating an equally large man for a few months who thought that my motorcycle was pretty sexy and my leather jacket was even sexier. When I offered to teach him, he had zero interest in learning how to ride himself—what he did have an interest in was riding bitch. He enjoyed the idea of zipping through town on the back of my Rebel: this comparatively enormous man, so hairy he must have had a grizzly bear in his family tree somewhere, perched precariously on the back of my itty bitty motorcycle, hanging on for dear life.

I was hesitant to try this with him. I remembered white-knuckling my previous male passenger around a sleepy residential block and had serious doubts about taking this hulking man into downtown traffic. But, even I couldn’t deny that the aesthetics would be delightful. One day we decided to give it a try. A friend lent him a goofy-looking helmet, something a motorcycle cop might wear, which he paired with mirrored aviators and bushy facial hair. I turned the Rebel around in the driveway, headlight facing the busy road I lived on at the time, and he got on. Immediately the shocks compressed and the entire bike sank toward the gravel. The driveway was long, and so we rode the length of it together, but by the time we reached the end I’d realized this was a truly stupid idea. I could barely maneuver the bike with so much weight on it and just coming to a stop at the end of the driveway was a nightmarish balancing act. I put the Rebel in neutral and turned to him.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I don’t think this is going to work.”

He got off, a little disappointed but probably also a little relieved. The Rebel sprang back into her correct shape. For a minute I thought about parking the motorcycle and riding another day, but the hum of the engine was too delicious—it would be a shame to waste such a perfect afternoon. Just a quick one, I told myself. I gave the boyfriend a wave, knocked the bike into first gear, and shouted that I’d be back soon, then zipped out into traffic. The Rebel and I roared into town, passing slow-pokes, revving at all the stop lights, taking the turns sharp and low. No baggage, no bitches, just us.

My fourth motorcycle was a different kind of beast. With a 750cc engine it was bigger, louder, and far better suited for heavy loads—except, I wasn’t so interested in carrying passengers anymore. I had a different kind of adventure in mind. I removed both the sissy bar and the passenger’s seat altogether to make room for gear instead of people, and as I was loosening the screws that connected the black passenger’s seat to the cherry red fender, it hit me: this machine was all mine. I was past showboating, past wanting to share my new passion with other people. This motorcycle was just for me. As I removed the physical space where another person might sit, my metaphysical self expanded to fill the gap left behind. The truth was, I hadn’t been interested in taking passengers for a while, but removing that seat made it official. My love of motorcycles had ceased to be about other people and how I wanted them to perceive me; by then it was about who I actually was, and better yet, who I wanted to become. I stopped revving my engine at stoplights because I no longer cared if the pedestrians waiting to cross looked at me and thought, cool. The self-consciousness I’d begun with was slowly seeping away.

Later that year, after a month on the road with the 750, I had grown tired of navigating unfamiliar traffic, of looking down at the directions taped to my gas tank, of worrying that the car I was about to pass didn’t see me. For once I didn’t want to be in the driver’s seat—so I parked the 750 and rode on the back of my father’s motorcycle for a while. I let him do the worrying and the navigating while I enjoyed the view. Leaning back into the wind, I watched the scenery whip by, or closed my eyes and let the visceral feeling of speed separate from the optics of it. I loosened my grip on the autonomy I’d been clinging to so stubbornly and stopped worrying that without constant vigilance I would somehow lose my sense of self. 

I was surprised to find that yielding my chokehold on this illusion of control, this lone wolf pride I used to hold so dear, didn’t diminish me—it made me bigger, stronger, and way more fun to be around. We’re all riding bitch in one way or another and that’s not something I can change—hell, it’s not something I would want to change. It’s been five years since I took my first passengers on that little Rebel, but since then I’ve come to realize that sometimes being an independent, grown-ass woman means letting someone else drive. 

Read more Riding Bitch: A Life in Motorcycles at The Toast.

Some people are fans of the Denver Broncos. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Denver Broncos. This 2014 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.

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Most NFL players spent their offseason lifting weights and running and smoking weed. Peyton Manning spent it making rap videos and goofy commercials. In this latest clip, Peyton disguises himself as a gas station manager with a giant stick up his butt. When this woman asks for a Gatorade, Peyton responds by telling her to do a few yoga moves, preferably a downward dog (or something like that). Peyton’s all about that yoga pants life.

Perv.

Filed under: Media, Sports Tagged: GATORADE, PEYTON MANNING, Peyton Manning commercial, Peyton Manning video

Sure, Vitamix and Le Creuset are great if you want to spend all your money. But we found the next best thing that will save you tons.

Thinkstock / Amazon / Ninja / Google / Amazon

Blender: Vitamix vs. Ninja

In this test, the Ninja and the Vitamix performed almost exactly the same making smoothies and milkshakes. The Vitamix was a little quieter and easier to clean, but for $320 less, the Ninja is a great alternative. Get one here.

vitamix.com /

Vacuum: Dyson vs. Shark

This video review shows the Shark actually sucks more than the Dyson. (In this case, sucking is a good thing.) And you'll save $240! Get one here.

dyson.com / amazon.com

Dutch Oven: Le Creuset vs. Lodge

In this test, both brands performed exactly the same. The Le Creuset comes in slightly different volumes (3 1/2, 4 1/2, 5 1/2 & 7 1/2 quart) than the Lodge (3, 4.6, 6, 7 quart), but otherwise the $350 difference doesn't get you anything different. Check out the Lodge here.

williams-sonoma.com

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Damn, man, get a load of these tiny bears. Those are some tiny bears!

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After Arian Foster gave the exact same answer 11 times in a 90-second interview , he got a letter from the NFL threatening a fine if he didn't start being more cooperative with the media. So Foster agreed to an interview with reporters after yesterday's practice, and he added a few twists to his old routine.

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*CLAPS*

First things first, hit play for some musical accompaniment while reading this:

w.soundcloud.com

And you'll never guess what, it only went and happened...

(His Twitter cover picture is now kind of perfect.)

Twitter: @Scroobiuspipyo

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Nate Silver, a man frequently hailed as the future of journalism, gave a master class this evening on How Not To React To The News That Doesn't Involve You (Ferguson edition). In short, don't make it an occasion to tell the story about That Time You Were Arrested (as a white man) and the cops were actually nice and let you eat a burrito.

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Earlier this morning I did something I rarely do in the mornings: I tuned in to Fox News, specifically to see how they were covering what was happening in Ferguson, Missouri, but most of the coverage I saw centered around, “Is Obama too weak to handle Putin?” But then at some point the network’s attention did turn to Ferguson and how it was presented to viewers — shown in the screengrab above — could not have been more predictably Fox News.

So there you have it, folks! The lede here isn’t the militarization of police in America, police brutality, or the use of excessive force — particularly against minorities — it’s all about how the people protesting all of the aforementioned are, in Fox’s view, not behaving as Martin Luther King would have wanted them to. Sure he is in Heaven having a sad right now. And I’m sure Hannity tonight will take it to the next level and be all about how the “new Black Panthers” are coming to kill all the white people.

Your move, Joe Scarborough!

(Via Stephon Johnson)

Filed under: Media, TV Tagged: Ferguson, FOX NEWS

Trey is really doing it right, you guys. We should all try to be more like Trey.

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Many internet web sites like to rank the fruits . You can see right away that these rankings are wrong and bad, both because their results are stupid, and for the reason those results are stupid, which is that they were assembled using a lousy-ass amateurish methodology. Amateur bush-league-ass fruit-rankers are wronger than hell, basically.

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By Seanbaby  Published: August 14th, 2014  As you might know, Archie Andrews recently died after 70 years of wholesome fun. It happened after he jumped in front of a bullet intended for Kevin Keller, newly elected senator and 50 percent of their world's gay population. Archie bled out a hero,

Recently a woman eating at a North Carolina McDonald's found a butter swastika on the inside of her bun. Now, you might think that we are all defiantly anti-swastika out there, but some of the comments on a news story about the incident proved otherwise, including one that concluded with the following:

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- It’s the future and they take your thumbs when you get divorced

- Evil car culture

- A man discovers Fargo was real

- A man discovers where the feminists bury the bodies, is killed

- A man who prefers rap music to Creedence is doomed

- A knitting circle accidentally casts a spell

- Postman gets stuck in yard with angry dog, forever

- An old man finally buys a smartphone. Smartphone psychic, dispensing terrible omens

- A joyriding punk discovers a muscle car made out of muscle

- Jim Morrison only person to show up to Doors fan’s birthday party. Surprise: He’s the grim reaper, fan is dead.

- An old woman speaks in ominous gibberish

- A woman switches coffee brands – terrible consequences

- A cloud of smoke looks like an animal, briefly

- Maine is full of sadists

- A man addicted to nostalgia

- Texas is full of sadists, with trite nicknames

- An old jukebox won’t stop playing Creedence

- A milkman keeps seeing a cow down the road from his house

- A lonely man with a whimsical job falls in love with his phone

- The malt shop seems so innocent… and yet

Read more Rejected Stephen King Short Story Ideas at The Toast.

"A guy told me I was beautiful at the grocery store today."

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Evan Johnston’s previous work for The Toast can be found here.

Read more Somewhere in Publishing: A Cartoon About Book Design at The Toast.

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Dirty Bird, a food truck serving fried chicken in Cardiff, UK, has been raising eyebrows because look at it. Owner denies phallic approach. Designed by MarkJames_Works and judging from the poster on his site I question their innocence.

gookgod:

goatwave

The annual Drew League pro-am tournament is always good for a few fun highlights, and this year's dunk contest was about as good as dunk contests get.

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Exciting news about the upcoming Rob Thomas-helmed web series You Don't Know Dick! The show, which is a fictional account of actor Ryan Hansen's attempt to turn his role of Dick Casablancas in Veronica Mars into greater fame, will feature cameos from practically the whole dang Veronica Mars cast.

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Photo credit to Whitney Johnson and her dad, Craig (on the right).

Read more Dad Magazine: August Edition at The Toast.

I’ve watched Lost‘s Ian Somerhalder awkward attempt at kissing Ariana Grande during last night’s Teen Choice Awards at least three dozen times, and it never gets old. Grande confidently strolls over to accept her award for Best GIF for Pervs, or something, only to be met with an unexpected smooch, which she tries to avoid…I think? I’m not sure what her intention was. A hug? Did she think the kiss was going to come from a different angle? Who is that weird kid in the background in the bathing suit? We need Kevin Costner to take us through the GIF, step by step, back to left. Whatever the case, Somerhalder and Grande look about as smooth as I do when I’m greeted with a “cool handshake.”

Via @cjzero

Filed under: Music, TV, Upcoming Tagged: ARIANA GRANDE, AWKWARD KISSES, IAN SOMERHALDER, TEEN CHOICE AWARDS