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NFL players get relentless hounded over Twitter by fantasy football players upset that they didn’t get as many points as they would have liked in a game that doesn’t have any impact on the actual player’s life. So it’s only fair that Stevie Johnson gets to make jokes on Twitter that he is putting together a fantasy regular life team full of everyday people doing everyday things.

I drafted many of you to my fantasy work team so make sure to grab me some points today at your workplace. Don't let me down.

— HiMom. (@StevieJohnson13) September 24, 2014

Personally I think I’m a pretty okay fantasy mundane life player. It’s only 11 a.m. and I’ve written a bunch of blog posts, walked the dog and did the laundry. Once I go to the gym a little later, I feel like that has to be worth eight, possibly even 8.5 points.

Though I don’t know. Everyone else seems to be earning Stevie 13 points. It’s like this whole league only operates in increments of his jersey number.

13 pts/ day each day you don't skip class #HBHF “@JimmyM717: @StevieJohnson13 I didn't skip any classes today, that's gotta be a few points”

— HiMom. (@StevieJohnson13) September 25, 2014

13 points, easy #HBHF “@FittedGameMean: @StevieJohnson13 go back to work tomorrow 12 hr shifts 7a-7p I kno that's good for a gang of points”

— HiMom. (@StevieJohnson13) September 25, 2014

13 easy pts. Salute “@GDubb827: @StevieJohnson13 about to hit my 6 yr mark at the treatment facility I work at for juvenile boys!!!”

— HiMom. (@StevieJohnson13) September 25, 2014

Easy 13 pts #HBHF “@WJCashmoney: @StevieJohnson13 got an A on my first college quiz. How many points we talking?”

— HiMom. (@StevieJohnson13) September 25, 2014

13 pts for the ladysman “@youngGONZO_: @StevieJohnson13 Ripped up tickets, escorted 5 people to their seats & still got some girls numbers.”

— HiMom. (@StevieJohnson13) September 25, 2014

Legendary, 13 pts for sure “@DJMarcotix: @StevieJohnson13 I tried to make ramen in the coffee pot and I broke everything”

— HiMom. (@StevieJohnson13) September 25, 2014

How are YOU earning Stevie Johnson 13 fantasy points?

Easy mistake, @Slate pic.twitter.com/IDkw0Cr5xO

— jennifer bendery (@jbendery) September 24, 2014

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Winter is coming, which means it’s now the time of year where leaf fall down so call it “Fall” we talk good. It’s this autumnal time when high school seniors take the SAT for the first or second time, so we thought we’d help them prepare for the type of questions a modern SAT test will totally include. That’s where @NewSATQuestion comes in, a Twitter which serves as a completely legit source of practice questions you need to survive in today’s fast-paced scholastic grind.

We’ve collected some of our favorite modern SAT questions below.

Banner image by sarah-ji via Creative Commons.

Filed under: GammaSquad, Web Culture Tagged: .lol, NEWSATQUESTION, SAT, STANDARDIZED TESTS, TESTS, Twitter

1. Thou shalt not kill.

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Evidently these have been around for a while, but they're new to me. BuzzBallz: Regret In a Can. BuzzBallz: Liquid Cold-Sore. BuzzBallz: Convex Around the Sides, Like Your Abdomen When Fluid Accumulates In Your Peritoneal Cavity as a Result of the Liver Cirrhosis You Get From Living the Kind of Life That Involves Really Any Kind of Non-Observational Interaction with BuzzBallz. BuzzBallz!

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The first thing that threw me about Jason Rohrer's new multiplayer video game was that he told me I could only play it with money on the line. Real money. MY money. Then he said the game would mail me a check if I won. It was all legal, he assured me.

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Your boobs, man. What they are all about? Are they noncompliant or are you doing it wrong? Why are they so hard to literally pin down to your chest? Because they are boobs and you are you. Good news: There is a company working on that, and they may have cracked this boob conundrum wide open.

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Metta World Peace is going to be playing basketball in China this year, and he's going to be calling himself The Friendly Panda, or something. Anyway, he's also going to be wearing the shoes you see above, because Metta World Peace does whatever he wants.

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By Adam Wears,Amanda Mannen  Published: September 22nd, 2014  It's fun to poke holes in the plots of movies or TV shows -- that's a big part of our business model. But if we're going to mock the ones who do it wrong, we should take time to give a tip of the hat to the ones who are so obsessive about getting it

A Canadian woman attempting to fly out of JFK airport to Barbados has some explaining to do after the jolly folks at TSA found some rather questionable material in her checked luggage.

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This moment, from the Chief's locker room following their victory over the Dolphins yesterday—flagged by Arrowhead Pride—is just your latest reminder that happy Andy Reid is one of the best things the NFL has going for it right now.

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His hometown of Chicago wasn’t the only place Kanye popped up at recently. As part of his mandated community service stemming from a 2013 attack on a paparazzi at LAX, Kanye West added another title to his vast mantle of distinctions: instructor. ‘Ye has been spending a good chunk of his 250 hours teaching students at the Los Angeles Trade Technical College, a school known for its concentration in apparel design.

An undeniable truth about Kanye, misguided or not, has always been the nearly unrivaled passion in everything he embraces. Judging from the photos posted via Instagram, it appears like North’s pops enjoyed himself in his temporary (maybe?) new role, too. And kudos to The Artist Formerly Known As The Louis Vuitton Don for not being one of those teachers who feels the need to write everything on the blackboard.*

Without speaking to any of the students, how effective Kanye The Teacher is is up for debate. Although, if one had to guess, a cross between a hybrid of Samuel L. Jackson in Coach Carter, Denzel Washington in The Great Debaters and Roland Pryzbylewski in Season 4 of The Wire once the students began taking a liking to him is a good place to start.

And who knows, pending he was any good and he found some true enjoyment in it, Kanye and education could be a reality somewhere down the line.

Filed under: Music, SmokingSection Tagged: EVERYTHING ELSE, FEATURED, Kanye West, SMOKE BREAK

If you're going to burn a giant, 100-yard penis onto a football field at your high school, who are you going to ask to be your accomplice? Your cousin? The valedictorian of your class? A landscaping expert? No, asshole, your mom.

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Right now, on the upper reaches of the Billboard 200 album chart, in the midst of 21^st-century pop frivolities like Maroon 5, Jeezy, Sam Smith, Ariana Grande, and Now That's What I Call Music 51, sits Guardians of the Galaxy: Awesome Mix Vol. 1, which once reigned at no. 1, and now sits comfortably in the Top 10 for the sixth straight week. Not bad for an album whose cover art features an old cassette tape and whose most recent song came out in 1979; in fact, it's the first soundtrack album in history consisting entirely of previously released songs to top the chart.

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Right wingers love to portray Hollywood as a town full of kooky, out-of-touch, magically thinking space dopes (as opposed to the out-of-touch, racist, doomsday preppers who live in the real ‘Murica), and sadly, a lot of Hollywood residents spend all their time proving them right. Specifically the anti-vaxxer crowd, the left wing’s answer to birthers and chemtraileys. It’s gotten so bad that in wealthy parts of Los Angeles, reports The Hollywood Reporter, vaccination rates are on par with southern Sudan. Whooping cough is making a comeback, and domestic measles is at a 20-year high. But hey, at least we’re not living in NAZI GERMANY, isn’t that right, Rob Schneider?

Children’s Hospital Los Angeles is at the front line, with 72 pertussis [whooping cough] patients this year. “A number of them have been in the ICU and very, very sick,” says CHLA infectious disease specialist Dr. Jeffrey Bender. “They cough so hard, it turns into vomiting and broken ribs; they end up intubated, to ventilate their lungs.

Although whooping cough was once a national scourge, killing more than 1,100 in 1950, decades of immunizations — the DTaP (diphtheria, tetanus and pertussis) vaccine and its forerunners — almost eliminated the disease. Only six Americans died of pertussis in 1995. Alas, an epidemic has arrived. (One case of pertussis typically can cause at least a dozen secondary transmissions because it is so communicable. Antibiotics do little to ameliorate the symptoms, except to shorten the period of infectiousness.) Medical officials are increasingly alarmed — especially here in L.A. No other county in California has more cases: 1,317 so far this year. “It’s a smoldering fire that has started and it could be a complete wildfire if vaccination rates continue to fall,” says Dr. Deborah Lehman, associate director of pediatric infectious diseases at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center.

The problem, it seems, is “PBEs,” Personal Belief Exemptions, which you can get instead of vaccinations if you want to infect the sane parents’ kids with deadly diseases so you can flip the bird to the mercury octopus who gives autism with his needle limbs.

[...] Whether it’s measles or pertussis, the local children statistically at the greatest risk for infection aren’t, as one might imagine, the least privileged — far from it. An examination by The Hollywood Reporter of immunization records submitted to the state by educational facilities suggests that wealthy Westside kids — particularly those attending exclusive, entertainment-industry-favored child care centers, preschools and kindergartens — are far more likely to get sick (and potentially infect their siblings and playmates) than other kids in L.A. The reason is at once painfully simple and utterly complex: More parents in this demographic are choosing not to vaccinate their children as medical experts advise. They express their noncompliance by submitting a form known as a personal belief exemption (PBE) instead of paperwork documenting a completed shot schedule. [TheHollywoodReporter]

I for one am proud of this brave stand against the lizard people our nation’s brave entertainment workers are making. If you let the lizard Hitlers kill your kid’s whooping cough, and the next thing you know, they’re using the fluoride in our water to power Xenu’s soul tractor. And f*ck that, he uses his Kabbalah beam to give you wrinkles! Anyway, this fight against the tyranny of unmeasled skin involves all of us, and if we have to lose a few Apples or Moon Units in the battle against the great space satan, so be it. Do your worst, you invisible ancient volcano monkey.

Filed under: Film Drunk, GammaSquad, Movies Tagged: hollywood, los angeles, MEASLES, PBE, PERSONAL BELIEF EXEMPTION, VACCINATE YOUR DAMN KIDS, VACCINATIONS, WHOOPING COUGH

Or at least, what food they can't stop talking about on Twitter, according to a team at the University of Arizona.

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I believe we’ve all done a lot of silly, smart, interesting, and unusual things in our youth that shaped us into the people we are today. It’s just that normally when people go on about such things, normal folks tend to give it a big wanking motion and go about their day. That doesn’t mean it isn’t cool, it just means people don’t personally care about you.

Now this awesome note from a 5th grader should be an exception to that because it features one of the more punk realizations you will ever find at that age. It belongs to 20-year-old Taylor Ruth and it represents the moment she found out about the Dead Kennedys from the library:

Now look, this could very well be fake. This is the Internet and we’ve said it a million times across dozens of bullsh*t articles about awesome things that turned out to be fake. That doesn’t lessen the main impact here: The Dead Kennedys are pretty damn cool. It would kill the excuse for the childish thoughts on the man and “fashists” with a heart.

“The man” does suck though and this did remind me of the time Jello Biafra played “the man” in Tapeheads. You can’t go wrong with Tapeheads.

(Via Badass Digest / Tumblr / VanayLands)

Filed under: Media, Music, Web Culture Tagged: Cool Kids, DEAD KENNEDYS, Might Be Fake, Punk Rock, The Man, TUMBLR

This is the most Lions injury of all-time. Middle linebacker Stephen Tulloch sacked Aaron Rodgers and then did the discount double check. And then he blew out his knee.

THAT’S SO LIONS!

Filed under: Media, Sports Tagged: AWESOME CELEBRATIONS, detroit lions, END ZONE CELEBRATIONS

Oh shit, dinner is still A Thing. It exists. Disaster. This is you, creeping incrementally homeward in the transportation gridlock of your locale and mode of transit, flop-sweaty and wild-eyed like John Lithgow on the airplane, doing a frantic mental inventory of the nigh-barren refrigerator waiting for you and the sad combinations of "food" that might be assembled from its contents. Ketchup and ... ketchup and baking soda. Ketchup and fat-free Greek yogurt and the bag of celery I dropped in the bottom drawer like nine months ago. It's probably still OK, right? Maybe? Ketchup and baking soda and yogurt ... casserole? Ketchup and baking soda and yogurt casserole, and the slam of a door, and the screeching of tires, and being alone again, forever, probably.

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Everyone knows Tom Brady was the 199th pick of the 2000 NFL Draft. They know this because any broadcast covering the draft makes sure to make a big deal of reminding viewers when that point in the draft is coming up. It’s a big part of the heroic story of Tom Brady and how he overcame not being drafted high to win three Super Bowls in his first five seasons and then never again.

Of course, we know now that Tom Brady went on to have a perfect life in which he’s married to a supermodel and has the type of money where they can have a palatial home built with a moat for more than $10 million then just get bored with it and move elsewhere within the span of less than two years.

But back then, Brady’s career was in serious doubt. Not ALL sixth-round picks go on to have a perfect life. Most have unspectacular careers if they even make a final roster at all. And so Tom Brady needed to have his resume ready in case football didn’t work out. Judging from the copy of his resume that he posted on Facebook today, it looks like he has a lot of experience as a sales representative at a golf course. That would have served him well, I think.

Just think of what Brady could put on there now. Official UGGs spokesman goes a long way with job recruiters.

I feel this about covers everything we needed to know about Thursday night. Just a reminder that the Buccaneers spent gave center Evan Dietrich-Smith a four-year, $14.25 million contract in the off-season.

Also, nice work as always, Herm Edwards.

I hope Herm Edwards is on SportsCenter tonight. pic.twitter.com/JyltwzSFwD

— Matt Clapp (@sharapovasthigh) September 19, 2014

Thanks to NerdNite SF for a lovely evening!

Sure, in one sense, this boner dog is from back in 2013. But, in another, larger, truer sense, this boner dog is a timeless boner dog. Look at those sad eyes. It's a heavy burden, this enormous dog boner. Who will help me bear this dog boner? Can't even get any work done in my office chair.

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In general, athletes are pretty awful on Twitter. Not a day goes by without one of them tweeting a pic of their junk or getting in trouble for saying something they shouldn’t have. But Steve Smith’s not like everyone else. Steve Smith says what he wants and doesn’t care about the repercussions. It also helps that he’s amusing as hell.

Here’s his response to the domestic abuse stuff that’s rocked the NFL.

You can stop tweeting for the rest of the week everyone. Steve Smith won.

Filed under: Media, Sports Tagged: ATHLETES SHOULD NOT HAVE TWITTER, baltimore ravens, STEVE SMITH, TWITTER BEEF

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Drew Magary's post yesterday on corporal punishment and parenting inspired a great deal of feedback, including a long, thoughtful email from a reader named Jason Mello, which, with his permission, we've reprinted below.

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By Seanbaby  Published: August 29th, 2014  Creeping along the walls of my home is an ever-expanding library of books by and for the deranged. I don't want to terrify you, but I know every secret of the ninja, and my section on metaphysical breast augmentation is far more than any one sexy man