I’ve made a terrible mistake
WHY AM I LAUGHING SO MUCH ?
LOOK AT IT CRAWLING
I cannot breathe oh god
Lol, this cat though…
Usually Nuggets rookie Jusuf Nurkic is being conventionally disrespectful, talking shit to Marc Gasol after swatting his shot or taunting DeMarcus Cousins all the way down the court after hitting a jumper in his face. But tonight he stepped up his subtle goon game by softly dropping the ball into Markieff Morris's arms after a lame flop attempt. He got a technical for it, but who cares? With the burning clown car that is the Nuggets season showing no sign of being put out anytime soon, waiting for Nurkic to do something awesome is the only reason Nuggets fans have left to watch.
This is an interesting take. The title is misleading, really, but the essay itself is pretty fascinating.
Four years ago, I quit my high-profile, lucrative law job.
Will the Real Ale Please Stand Up?
Established in 1996 in the basement of an antique store in the city of Blanco, TX — one-hour-drive away from both San Antonio and Austin — by Phillip and Diane Conner, Real Ale Brewing Company is a craft brewery producing nine year-round beers and about half a dozen seasonal offerings. Today, it employs approximately 45 people, produces 58,000 barrels of beer, and has just opened a tasting tap room. Its most popular beer, Firemans #4, can be found on tap pretty much anywhere in Austin, and pretty much no one could have told you it came from Real Ale — one of the main reasons the brewery introduced this week a new identity and packaging system designed by Austin-based The Butler Bros..
The new logo includes three components that are meaningful to the company: the hop, the sprocket, and the characters "TX 96". The hop pays homage to the previous logo, which consisted of the company name and a simple hop graphic for most of the brewery's history. The sprocket is a nod to the original tap handle and label of its bestselling year-round beer, Firemans #4. The inclusion of "TX 96" around the new hop/sprocket is a reference to the company's roots and where they come from.
The old logo was remarkably sad with its droopy hop and poor typography. Like, it would make you want to quit beer because it was so unexcited about being beer. The new logo cranks up the excitement to eleven with a great drawing of a hop inside a sprocket that doesn't rely on a mono-width execution like all illustrations today but actually has thicks and thins and curves. The "Real Ale" goes for the Western Industrial motif that is popular among craft and microbreweries, which is not a terrible thing and it's very well executed in this case. Even the same forest green color that was so bland in the old logo is enlivened now.
Craft brewing is one of the most crowded and competitive industries today. Real Ale has been independently brewing for almost two decades, building a diverse line-up of award winning beers. Yet, many beer drinkers identified more with their individual beers than the brewery making them. One beer, Firemans #4, was almost more identifiable than the Real Ale brand itself. Without a packaging system to help beer drinkers see the larger picture brand equity was taking a blow. We collaborated with them to create a new identity and packaging system, collateral materials and a website, all to help make the branding resonate as much as their beer does.
"Don't fu*k with Firemans." It was the very first thing Real Ale said when we began working together. And why should we? Firemans #4 is one of the most beloved craft beers in Texas. We refined the original label design and brought in the new branding elements to family it with the line.
Their flagship beer, Firemans #4, retained its own logo and has been vastly improved. The bottle breaks just a tad from the rest of the system (see below) but being so widely available and recognized it had to maintain the large sprocket-#4 combo writ large.
We designed packages for 20 different offerings. It's a system flexible enough to communicate the unique individual characteristics of each beer and cohesive enough to family strongly on store shelves. We also used package to tease up a core brand message, "Only In Texas" a reference to their promise to never sell beer beyond the borders of Texas. Unfiltered. Unpasteurized. Unavailable in 49 states.
The new labels are really great. They are crisp, full of texture, vibrant, and efficiently clear in their designations. Each beer now has its own icon, all in the always pleasant Chuck Anderson style. Although similar, they are not perfectly consistent in execution and some are more effective and attractive (arrowed skull and giant barrel) than others (roadway devil and waterfall). They do bring a playful element to the bottles and 6-packs and is not a common thing to do, so they are definitely welcome.
The neck labels stick out real nice from the 6-packs.
The sun-ray, cross-like pattern is one of my favorite elements from the packaging and it looks particularly good on the 1-color cartons.
Overall, it's clear that both designer and client had a ball creating this, with a commitment to overhaul every single aspect. Nothing is halfway done here. And while the design is operating within the usual visual confines of craft and microbrewery stylings it's always a pleasure to see it well done from crown to carton to tap handles.
It’s the offseason, but that doesn’t mean you have to go the entire spring and summer without laughing at stupid people on the internet. Between now and the kickoff to the new season in September, we here at Kissing Suzy Kolber have taken it upon ourselves to bring you the greatest non-football takes on Facebook and other esteemed social media outlets. We may sneak in a few teams here and there as news warrants, but for the most part all groups, NFL or not, are now fair game. Enjoy!
When I put the call out last week for what you wanted to see first in our offseason Fans React, I got one big request: Anti-vaxxers. I suppose that’s the big chic thing right now, and I’m sort of happy to report that my own online interactions have shielded me pretty well from these folks. I don’t personally know any anti-vaxxers, and since I’ve blocked everyone on earth from Facebook, so I don’t see it there either. I figured, how bad could it be?
OH MY CHRIST THERE ARE ACTUAL PILES OF PEER-REVIEWED SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH YOU PAROCHIAL SIMPLETON.
Alright, so I found a cache of anti-vaxxers posting away on the internet. This group was especially great because they would delete anyone arguing that maybe vaccines were good, so it turned into a circlejerk of tinfoil hats, crazy anti-government crackpot theory, and ENTIRELY BROKEN LOGIC:
I should have broken this comment up into two parts, because Amy’s statement of “golly gosh, why don’t people like my opinion” is special. Amy, people are angry because you are actively hurting other people’s children by lowering the vaccination threshold needed to keep diseases at bay. The government isn’t trying to murder your kids. Big Pharma isn’t using your kids to make money. That’s why they make boner pills. Rich old men have way more money to throw at erections on demand. And Lisa, I can’t even approach your comments without getting angry. Your children aren’t miracle babies sent from God with infinite immunity. They will instead be open to sickness when another one of your idiot anti-vax friends catches it from visiting Disneyland and then they will pass it on to someone who can’t be vaccinated. I can’t even make jokes about this because it angers me to read it.
Oh man, there’s a TON of “Why back in my day” posts too, as if everything done in 1950 was the best possible course for mankind. I think I had chicken-pox as a kid, and I remember it being AWFUL. I *wish* I’d been immunized because then I wouldn’t have had to go through all that “DO NOT SCRATCH THIS OR IT WILL SCAR YOU FOREVER” bullshit.
The University of Life is much like any other university: Everyone dicks around for a few years, rushes to accomplish something that is ultimately useless, and goes into debt forever.
And now we get to the craziest of the crazies. I have to commend the anti-vaxxers for one thing: spelling. Reading these were considerably easier than most football team sites, which I appreciate, even if their theories were absolutely batshit insane. For example, Mr. Toma Hawk, which I will go out on a limb and guess is not a real name, wants to to shoot the government with three hundred million guns. That’s…that’s reasonable, Mr. T. Hawk.
Man, if nothing else, no one slippery slopes quite like anti-vaxxers. Why would THE GOVMUNT inject(?) RFID chips into you, when they could just track your phone/ID/etc? Barring whether that’s moral or not (which is a legit conversation), it’s a matter of practicality here. They aren’t going to IMPLANT CHIPS INTO YOU when there’s a much better way to get the information. Let’s look at the possibilities here:
1) the idea of government as a public shell disguising the ruling illuminati who want to enslave us to build temples to the rich by killing our babies with chemicals and forcing chips into your body to track everything for *NEFARIOUS ELITE REASONS*
2) maybe they don’t want kids to die?
Juanita, apparently, was someone who was trying to talk sense into these people and was completely wiped from the board, which left a lot of awkward, one-sided arguments littered throughout the comments. Meghan here enjoys EMPHATIC PHRASES WHICH ARE NOT ACTUALLY SENTENCES. The best part of this is the “YOUTUBE, HEAR THIS WELL” because Youtube is where I go to get all of my totally legitimate information for life-altering decision making. It’s why I am going to name my child “Man Farts into Pool, Accidently Poops!!!!! LOL”
Aha! I’ve found your real name, T. Hawk! Here is someone suggesting that instead of protecting their child and protecting public health, we should instead just shoot everyone. Also, boy do anti-vaxxers love the term “Sheep!”
US GOVERNMENT: Okay here’s the plan
BIG US PHARMA: Shoot
USG: Okay we infect entire nations in West Africa, causing a worldwide health epidemic
BP: Got it.
USG: Then, we bring people to America to spread the disease. But you get to vaccinate people who are scared about being sick! Those 3% of your profits from vaccines? Think…6%.
BP: I see.
USG: Then everyone dies in a Ebola pandemic that wipes out the populace, plunging our country into terror and anarchy because there is no proven Ebola vaccine.
BP: Wouldn’t that still functionally destroy both of us?
YES WE WILL STEAL ALL THE CHILDREN BECAUSE *government takes off mask* WE ARE ACTUALLY THE WITCH FROM HANSEL AND GRETEL AHAHAHA EAT ALL THE CHILDREN
well, perhaps, i mean, if they’re treating you like morons, then maybe, i guess, it’s possible that you…are morons. (joke)
I did research on this one because holy god are people stupid. Bill Gates put a statement out that the birth rate would lower if children were vaccinated and reproductive services were available because PEOPLE WOULDN’T BE LOSING KIDS TO PREVENTABLE DISEASES. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH YOU PEOPLE ARE SO GODDAMN STUPID. YOU’RE WORSE THAN PACKER FANS.
Cool story Joanne, but I fail to really understand why we’re putting the future of the new world order in the hands of a guy who greenlit Microsoft Bob.
FINALLY, AND INEVITABLY:
I honestly expected the Nazi references a lot earlier than I got them. I’m fully convinced that you will never be able to persuade these people to do the right thing, because they’re pretty much all so far gone that they’ve sealed themselves into a little homeopathic bubble. I was also sort of sad that not one person mentioned Jenny McCarthy, and really – I guess that must have been my fault for not researching her page and instead going right for the crazy nucleus of anti-vax mouthfrothing. I’m sure at this point I don’t have to tell you to vaccinate your kids, because you’ve heard it from sensible places that are better than me, but seriously people, vaccinate your fucking kids. Don’t be a crazy libertarian vax truther.
That is SUPER impressive.
It’s a tale as old as time: You don’t feel like paying astronomically high prices for booze and snacks at an official sporting/concert event, so you try to stealthily sneak some in yourself. This involves stashing the contraband anywhere on your person to the point that you’re a walking vending machine. (Bonus points if you are and/or with with a woman with a big purse.)
Still, as thought-through as your plans might’ve been, all it takes is one particularly mindful security guy to ruin it all. That’s exactly the lesson this Turkish guy learned when he attempted to smuggle beer into a soccer match. Though he was unsuccessful, holy sh*t, you got to give him credit for being able to hold that many bottles.
MONK #1: lets throw a dinner party
invite everybody over
MONK #2: oh yes for sure lets
MONK #1: whats good to eat, what do people like for dinner
MONK #2: one single peacock
MONK #1: will that be enough do you think
MONK #2: well that's what dinner is
a single peacock
so it better be
MONK #1: ok
MONK #2: people will know what to expect so theyll be prepared anyway
MONK #1: ok
MONK #1: should we have anything else ready though
just in case
MONK #2: look im telling you
dinner is a single bird
all its feathers still on
on a big plate
thats literally what dinner is
MONK #1: ok
MONK #1: sorry i didnt mean to be difficult
MONK #2: dont feel bad about it
i mean it was a little embarrassing but dont worry about it
MONK #1: ok
President Obama partnered with Buzzfeed to put together a cutesy viral video — “Things Everybody Does But Doesn’t Talk About” — to promote HealthCare.gov. But hands down the best moment from the video was captured in the above Vine, once again reminding everyone that the leader of our country still has a pretty good sense of humor about himself. Ugh, I made like three typos the first time I typed that sentence. THANKS OBAMA.
You can watch the whole video below, which also features the President of the United States experimenting with a “selfie stick.” What a magical age we live in!
This is SO good.
Previously: Men about to get murdered in Patek Philippe ads.
If you have ever leafed through an issue of The Economist or any other glossy magazine meant for the upwardly mobile as they wait in first-class airport lounges, you have seen a Patek Philippe ad: a blond father and son, usually on a boat, are laughing sternly at the sea, while the tagline reminds you that "You never actually own a Patek Philippe. You merely look after it for the next generation."
And yet the first generation is so rarely prepared to hand over its prize. A Patek Philippe is not relinquished that easily. A Patek Philippe is a $60,000 watch, for in case you need to know what time it is while you're spending $60,000.
The hyper-wealthy do not look after their children; each generation of the transcendentally rich is convinced it will be the first to discover the secrets of immortality that render childbearing and childrearing irrelevant. How can the passage of time apply to money? How could a jam-smeared child take your beautiful watch, your beautiful youth, your beautiful place?
Read more Women About To Commit Murder In Patek Philippe Ads at The Toast.
Part One here.
"Certain damp crevices were of great interest to them; other damp crevices were carefully avoided. There appeared to be little logic behind the distinction, but there it was all the same."
"Hands that had very recently been used to pet a cat were now inserted inside another human being's vulnerabilities."
"Although both parties were close enough to one another to be heard using only a very quiet voice, they both insisted on speaking to one another quite loudly, preferring vague and meaningless vocalizations over specific words. Had they used words familiar to the both of them, things might not have become so confusing."
"Fluid was produced in three chief areas, but consumed in only one."
Excellent work from Deadspin here.
So everyone's gonna argue about Beck for a few days, which is a mixed blessing for everyone, Beck included. And, look. He should not have won the Grammy for Best Album. I can think of at least nine reasons why. This is all mildly embarrassing, and yet inevitable, as we're talking about the Grammys, and the Grammys came here to do two things—sell some records and troll the shit out of everyone—and they're about out of people willing to buy records.
I'm a stay-at-home dad with two kids. My daughter is seven, but before she was old enough to go to preschool, I watched her when she was awake and worked odd hours from home while she slept. My son is two, and we're on the same schedule, except that I've recently joined the jobless recovery, so now it's all toddler, all the time. I read to my kids every day, and you'd better do it, too, if you don't want your own kids to grow up to be sociopaths or "truthers" or Ravens fans—every study on early childhood development says so. If I'm honest, reading to my kids is the only parental activity that I'm 100-percent confident about.
There's really only a very few basic things that are required to be thought of as some manner of "man": Really, it's just genitals of some sort (testes, ovipositor, whatever) and the ability to change a car's tire. Hell, most people don't even care about the genitals thing. It's all changing tires. You should know how to do that.
This is a good Wachowski opinion.
1. Why did The Matrix work? For all its pseudo-philosophy and whiz-bang effects, for all its blue-pill-red-pill This is all an illusion sci-fi wonkery, may I humbly suggest that it was Keanu Reeves all along? Without him, you have a fun, expansive vision that may have never escaped its creators' heads; it's Reeves that makes it connect, that takes Andy and Lana Wachowski's lunatic universe and yanks it into ours. Even then, thanks to Bill & Ted and Point Break and his various whoa's, he was a firm, eternal part of our popular culture, and he brought that to every role. (He's still bringing it, most notably in last year's damned terrific John Wick.) The singular vision of The Matrix was made relatable—made fun—by his very presence. It let us know that as sincere as the movie was—and if nothing else, as writers and directors, the Wachowskis are admirably, tragically sincere—it was still sort of in on the joke. Reeves streamlined the whole thing; he let us in.
What a fucking asshole.
New Jersey governor Chris Christie hasn't yet announced his bid for the Republican presidential nomination. But why wait for an official candidacy to start pandering to the country's dumbest elements? Today, just months after trying to imprison an an ebola-exposed nurse , Christie came out against mandatory vaccinations.
buy this print!
Before you read this comic I want you to know that my favorite part of the tv show Sleepy Hollow is when Ichabod Crane has no idea what a tv or an iphone or a light switch is, and is confused. As hard hitting films such as Bill and Ted or perhaps Encino Manhave taught us, historical figures out of place do not know who the Burger King really is. But do any of us really know who the Burger King really is? A question we must all ask.
I'm just kidding about "before you read this," of course you read the comic first.
PS, have you seen 1776 The Musical? If you've been around here for two seconds, you know I have. Referenceeeesssss ho ho
This is seriously going to be a campaigning point now? WTF?
First, a tale.
Sometimes in this world, you want to make someone as wildly uncomfortable as humanly possible. That's why Facebook's here.
Interesting on a lot of levels.
Remember how Eric Schmidt spent years sitting on the Apple board, quietly learning everything about the iPhone — and then, presto, Google suddenly came out with Android and it looked a whole lot like the iPhone operating system and Steve Jobs went nuts on Schmidt for being such a sneaky, backstabbing son of a bitch?
The Washington Post has a profile today of Dr. Jack Wolfson, an Arizona cardiologist and holistic medicine, uh, doer or whatever, who's made something of a name for himself by providing a flimsy, fraudulent rime of expertish cover to the reprehensible, morally criminal anti-vaccination crowd in the U.S. It's really something! Which is a way of saying that, if you read it, it will make you punch a hole in something and mutter things under your breath that will include the word "prison."
This is the very best thing.
We previewed it last night and it’s finally here, the biggest Clueless Gamer so far with Marshawn Lynch and Rob Gronkowski. They’ll both be squaring off this Sunday at Super Bowl XLIX, but tonight they’re taking on each other in the currently unreleased Mortal Kombat X.
If anything is clear here, it’s that both men enjoy mashing buttons as opposed to real skill. Also we find out that Marshawn Lynch is not a fan of the violent deaths in MK, but he is a fan of Toad from Mario Kart.
Honestly, there’s too much awesome to fully describe. Hearing Marshawn Lynch and Rob Gronkowski wax poetic about Mario Kart in-between losing their minds over every fatality in Mortal Kombat is special. Just watch and enjoy.
(Via Team Coco)