Philip.paulssonPoor kid.
TOLEDO, OH—In a move that obliterated the final vestiges of his youthful innocence, toddler Charles Mankiewicz, 3, was told Tuesday that he could no longer touch his own genitals at the dinner table, robbing him forever of the simple joy of childhood. “Stop that,” said the child’s joyless parents, ensuring that the…
Philip.paulssonLOL
Philip.paulssonHah!
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See, when you're self-employed you really shouldn't take Sunday off.
Just two weeks left to get our TWO NEW BOOKS!
Philip.paulssonHeh
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80 percent chance this'll eventually end up in BAHFest talk.
Philip.paulssonOMFG yes to that last panel. I'd be absolutely unhirable if youtube existed when I was younger.
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October 19th, 2018: Who do I know who likes spicy food and regret? Please form an orderly line. – Ryan | |||
Philip.paulssonLOL
Philip.paulssonEw. Hard pass. How do I opt out?
Philip.paulssonI need to go to DC apparently.
Mario Kart VR has already graced Japan and London...now it's making a pitstop in the US. Yes, you can (finally) immerse yourself in the cartoonish karting action -- while sitting in a physical vehicle with pedals and a steering wheel -- at Washington...
Philip.paulssonWhat an assshole. When is this going to be over?
Philip.paulssonLOL I read that as dicaprio and was like "Wait a second, did he die??"
Philip.paulssonLOL
BETHANY BEACH, DE—Shaking his head in frustration as he read about the testimony given by his old high school friend to the Senate Judiciary Committee, Mark Judge reportedly confirmed Friday that he couldn’t believe that fucking lightweight Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh got the meanings of “boofing” and “the…
Philip.paulssonTIL there is a part of Texas that they call the panhandle. WTF is wrong with you, Texas?
Philip.paulssonheh
THIMPHU, BHUTAN—Noting that the season seemed to come earlier and earlier every year, local Bhutanese man Sangay Wangyel told reporters Friday that he couldn’t believe his neighborhood pharmacy was already stocking stuff for Lhabab Duchen. “It’s still more than a month away and they’re already laying out the wooden…
Philip.paulssonLOL
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Emails about the inaccuracy of the spidurkey's body type will be met with pointedly lengthy sighs.
Philip.paulssonLOL
WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that they really want to help any way they can, members of Congress announced Friday that while they desperately wish they could lend aid and assistance to the U.S. territory of Puerto Rico while it struggles to recover from Hurricane Maria, the fact remains that the island is all the way over…
Philip.paulssonWow. Pretty excited for this one. Spiderman was great too, if anyone was on the fence.
Red Dead Redemption 2 is finally dropping next month, and PlayStation has revealed some of what's in store with the pre-order launch of its PS4 Pro Bundle. The box refers to a "timed exclusive for 30 days" and mentions online content. We knew PlaySta...
Philip.paulssonApparently they were laughing at him. I need to watch this speech as a form of catharsis.
NEW YORK—Shaking their heads in disbelief at their past views, everyone present at the United Nations summit watching President Donald Trump deliver a speech Tuesday reportedly couldn’t believe they used to consider the United States a superpower. “I mean, wow, we would base most of our decisions on what the U.S. was…
Philip.paulssonYikes
Philip.paulssonLOL
Philip.paulssonI want them to put together a book of these "Trump Boy Adventures" and donate the profits to something Trump would hate, like women's/immigrant support centers.
WASHINGTON—While using brightly colored magic markers to write articles in a makeshift bullpen deep beneath the White House, an ink-splattered Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. said Wednesday they had made it their mission to fight bias in the mainstream media by hand-printing their own newspaper.
Philip.paulssonWhat a shit show.
WASHINGTON—Vehemently defending the Supreme Court nominee against recent allegations of sexual assault, GOP officials declared Wednesday that Brett Kavanaugh shouldn’t be held accountable for something he did as a white teenager. “We’re talking about something that occurred when Mr. Kavanaugh was a mere 17-year-old…
Philip.paulssonLOL
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This comic inspired by a line from Peter Wohlleben's lovely 'The Weather Detective.'
Philip.paulssonLOL
SKOKIE, IL—Wistfully imagining a future she hopes is not too far away, area woman Margaret Bridgemeyer told reporters Tuesday she yearns for the day when the first female president of the United States will have a tell-all book written about her that contains explicit descriptions of her repulsive vagina. “I have to…
Philip.paulssonOOoohh, now I wanna go find out what these companies "know" about me?! I think they might be pretty accurate tho, cause damn if I don't get sucked in to about 10% of the instagram ads I see...
In the wake of Europe's new privacy laws, I polled numerous companies to learn what they knew about me. One of them was Acxiom, a principally American marketing-data agency that collects data on individuals across the globe. Data that it has bought, or gathered, is algorithmically mashed together with public records and drained through a series of statistical models. The eventual aim of this effort is to create a series of conclusions about user behavior that can be used to create increasingly targeted advertising.
Acxiom sent me a 24-page file that covered everything it had about me. That information has been sold to a number of "respected brands," including major names like Ford Motor Company, British Telecom and (British retailer) Tesco. The file was also passed on to companies that already know me pretty damn well: Facebook, eBay, Twitter and PayPal.
I'm sure that at some point in the past, I've unwittingly ticked "agree" on some box and given my consent for my data to be collected. And these companies are likely to have tried to build a complete profile of my health, economic status and purchasing profile. It's quite possible that the data has been used to send me specific offers, suggest products I should buy and even dangle discounts in front of my face.
That's a real problem, because the data they store on me is total bollocks.
Here's the real me: I'm a 33-year-old technology journalist who is married and owns his own home -- at least if you think having a 35-year mortgage qualifies as "ownership." I have one daughter who is now a few years old and a newborn son. I drive a third- or fourth-hand, petrol-powered Lexus from the year 2000, making my car old enough to vote.
Maybe it's egomania, but because I'm on the internet as much as I am and also because I have a semi-prominent job, I assumed these companies would know a lot about me. Like, I'm on Facebook and Twitter pretty much nonstop, and I spend 10 or 12 hours per day on the internet. How can I not be the most open book to these people?
And yet...
The Acxiom version of Dan Cooper has the same address as me, but he's 25, not 33, and he's cohabiting rather than married. Well, according to the documents, there's a 37.2 percent chance he's cohabiting and a 37.1 percent chance he's hitched. The data also shows that he's an "empty nester," meaning that his kids have grown up and moved out, which is just about plausible if he fathered his first child at seven.
Acxiom's data contradicts itself on a number of occasions, thanks to the weird, algorithmic way it was gathered. He's childless, but at the same time his kids were born in 1983 and 1986 -- clearly this alterna-Cooper blossomed early. He also somehow managed to buy a home in 1993, aged 11, which he mortgaged as a second-time buyer. I mean, I have to admit, this guy clearly has his life and priorities sorted out.
All of that time spent having kids while still in school and buying a house has, unfortunately, had a domino effect on his career. Acxiom's statistical models think that he's an employed individual (85.4 percent) working inside the socio-economic grade C2/D. That means he's either a skilled or unskilled manual laborer. The data also isn't clear about his politics: He either reads the reactionary, right-wing rag Daily Express or the center-left Guardian.
Philip.paulssonThis game is pretty amazing.
One of the most anticipated games of the year just arrived on the PS4, an open-world exploration game that allows you to sightsee around New York City. The game’s vast detailed re-creation of the Big Apple is incredible, but sadly ruined by the game’s completely unrealistic addition of a spider-themed crimefighter.
