ThePrettiestOne

Crazy Ideas That Just Need to Happen Already [via]

Previously: Mind-Boggling Shower Thoughts

NEVER FORGET

ohcurtains:

ofgeography:

so here’s a fun story about this movie. guess who loves this movie? me! i do! i love this movie. i love this movie so much that when i was in the 7th grade and i saw “first wives club 2” on pay per view i was like: HELL YEAH!! FIRST WIVES CLUB TWO!! NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A SEQUEL!!!

here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2:

disgruntled first wives take their ex-husbands’ new lovers under their wing.

sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.

so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i’m starting to feel suspicious?? like it’s really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come they’re alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEY—

here’s what i did not know about first wives club 2:

• it is a lesbian porno of no relation to the beloved 1996 classic.

so of course i, horrified that i’ve accidentally bought porn on my family’s account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that’s that.

EXCEPT, OF COURSE:

• you have to pay for pay per view.

so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and i’m sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we’re just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, “okay, there’s something we need to discuss. as a family.”

• AS A FAMILY.

and i’m like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she’s going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and i’m like: OH NO.

"i received the tv bill today," my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch. "does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?"

as a reminder, a quick table survey:

• my mother, surprised and disappointed by the porn bill (innocent)
• my stepfather, a grumbly old cowboy who just wants to sing along to kenny chesney and watch the hunt for red october (innocent)
• my aunt deb, a super religious catholic whose best friend is a nun named Sister Placid (innocent)
• me, the 11-year-old with a mouthful of potatoes who definitely purchased the lesbian pornography

silence.

my mother said, “i’m not going to ask again.”

silence.

my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY.

my mother shook her head and put the bill down. “this was incredibly inappropriate,” she said. “skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. i’m not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?”

• WHAT IF MOLLY HAD SEEN IT?

"don’t expose my kid to that crap."

• DON’T
• EXPOSE
• MY KID
• TO THAT CRAP

"if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don’t expect me to pay for it. i can’t believe one of you did that in the living room."

• I CAN’T BELIEVE ONE OF YOU DID THAT
• IN THE LIVING ROOM

but molly, why didn’t you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?

• are you fucking kidding
• i did not want to go to porn prison

the fun conclusion to this story is that i never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey:

• my mother, who lives every day wondering whose porn she paid for
• my stepfather, who probably wishes he knew less about his wife’s sister’s porn preferences
• my aunt, who probably wishes she knew less about her sister’s husband’s porn preferences

but molly, why don’t you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn’t real?

• are you fucking kidding
• this is the best thing i’ve ever done

what an amazing story

Wow.

Courtney shared this story from Super Opinionated.

---

outriderreview:

We all have a story to tell. Share yours with The Outrider Review. We bring together the stories, art, and souls of the LGBTQ community to help spread understanding and connection.

The Wendigo


The Jersey Devil


The Vampire


The Werewolf


The Mothman


T he Owl Man


The Kraken


The Mermaid

megi-sama:

The Cryptids by *furm4nek

The first one looks like Hannibal.

nethilia:

ofgeography:

so here’s a fun story about this movie. guess who loves this movie? me! i do! i love this movie. i love this movie so much that when i was in the 7th grade and i saw “first wives club 2” on pay per view i was like: HELL YEAH!! FIRST WIVES CLUB TWO!! NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A SEQUEL!!!

here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2:

disgruntled first wives take their ex-husbands’ new lovers under their wing.

sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.

so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i’m starting to feel suspicious?? like it’s really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come they’re alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEY—

here’s what i did not know about first wives club 2:

• it is a lesbian porno of no relation to the beloved 1996 classic.

so of course i, horrified that i’ve accidentally bought porn on my family’s account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that’s that.

EXCEPT, OF COURSE:

• you have to pay for pay per view.

so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and i’m sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we’re just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, “okay, there’s something we need to discuss. as a family.”

• AS A FAMILY.

and i’m like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she’s going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and i’m like: OH NO.

"i received the tv bill today," my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch. "does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?"

as a reminder, a quick table survey:

• my mother, surprised and disappointed by the porn bill (innocent)
• my stepfather, a grumbly old cowboy who just wants to sing along to kenny chesney and watch the hunt for red october (innocent)
• my aunt deb, a super religious catholic whose best friend is a nun named Sister Placid (innocent)
• me, the 11-year-old with a mouthful of potatoes who definitely purchased the lesbian pornography

silence.

my mother said, “i’m not going to ask again.”

silence.

my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY.

my mother shook her head and put the bill down. “this was incredibly inappropriate,” she said. “skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. i’m not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?”

• WHAT IF MOLLY HAD SEEN IT?

"don’t expose my kid to that crap."

• DON’T
• EXPOSE
• MY KID
• TO THAT CRAP

"if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don’t expect me to pay for it. i can’t believe one of you did that in the living room."

• I CAN’T BELIEVE ONE OF YOU DID THAT
• IN THE LIVING ROOM

but molly, why didn’t you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?

• are you fucking kidding
• i did not want to go to porn prison

the fun conclusion to this story is that i never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey:

• my mother, who lives every day wondering whose porn she paid for
• my stepfather, who probably wishes he knew less about his wife’s sister’s porn preferences
• my aunt, who probably wishes she knew less about her sister’s husband’s porn preferences

but molly, why don’t you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn’t real?

• are you fucking kidding
• this is the best thing i’ve ever done

i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch.

this is where I quit breathing

“The absurdity runs deep: America is using American military equipment to bomb other pieces of American military equipment halfway around the world. The reason the American military equipment got there in the first place was because, in 2003, the US had to use its military to rebuild the Iraqi army, which it just finished destroying with the American military. The American weapons the US gave the Iraqi army totally failed at making Iraq secure and have become tools of terror used by an offshoot of al-Qaeda to terrorize the Iraqis that the US supposedly liberated a decade ago. And so now the US has to use American weaponry to destroy the American weaponry it gave Iraqis to make Iraqis safer, in order to make Iraqis safer.
 
It’s not just ironic; it’s a symbol of how disastrous the last 15 years of US Iraq policy have been, how circuitous and self-perpetuating the violence, that we are now bombing our own guns. Welcome to American grand strategy in the Middle East.”

- The US bombing its own guns perfectly sums up America’s total failure in Iraq - Vox

'Guardians of the Galaxy' Facts and Trivia [callmeforge]

Previously: 'Guardians of the Galaxy' vs. 'The LEGO Movie'

Off the Mark by Mark Parisi for August 09, 2014

[theonion]

Office Safari by Mike & Ben

Previously: Mind-Boggling Shower Thoughts

maddishly:

mosaics are made from broken pieces but they’re still works of art and so are you

Dog Eat Doug by Brian Anderson for August 08, 2014

[via]

ppaction:

Just saying.

Dog Eat Doug by Brian Anderson for August 07, 2014

Internet puppets Fafa the Groundhog and Mario shared ten weird facts about ten American presidents on a recent episode of Glove and Boots. They dig up information on Abraham Lincoln actually being a licensed bartender and much more.

Well, technically 9 presidents. We have 2 facts for Teddy Roosevelt.

submitted via Laughing Squid Tips

“

If you’re poor, the only way you’re likely to injure someone is the old traditional way: artisanal violence, we could call it – by hands, by knife, by club, or maybe modern hands-on violence, by gun or by car.

But if you’re tremendously wealthy, you can practice industrial-scale violence without any manual labor on your own part. You can, say, build a sweatshop factory that will collapse in Bangladesh and kill more people than any hands-on mass murderer ever did, or you can calculate risk and benefit about putting poisons or unsafe machines into the world, as manufacturers do every day. If you’re the leader of a country, you can declare war and kill by the hundreds of thousands or millions. And the nuclear superpowers – the US and Russia – still hold the option of destroying quite a lot of life on Earth.

So do the carbon barons. But when we talk about violence, we almost always talk about violence from below, not above.

”

- Let’s Call Climate Change What It Really Is—Violence | Alternet (via guerrillamamamedicine)

ppaction:

A federal judge just blocked a medically unnecessary “Texas-style” law in Alabama that would have severely restricted access to safe, legal abortion by forcing all but 2 health centers to stop providing abortions. 

Laws like these place onerous restrictions on doctors and health centers, are politically motivated, and do nothing to advance patients’ health — instead, they put women in danger.

We’ve long known that Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy was a passion project for co-writer/director James Gunn, but I don’t think any of us reckon how much it means to him that the movie was so overwhelmingly well-received. Gunn took to Facebook to thank current and future fans of the movie with a heartfelt letter that also gives us a better sense of the project’s long slog from Gunn’s first pitch to Marvel to the gorgeous space backdrops, the unexpected humanity in aliens and animals, and the pure Groot joy that’s stolen our hearts.

[Click through to read the entire letter]

Read the full article

Conversation with a friend who was depressed because she broke up with her boyfriend.

me:  Things could be worse.

Her:  Really?  How could they be worse?

me:  Well, what if spiders could fly?

Her:  What?

me:  I’m just saying that that would be worse.  Or what if spiders could swim and lived in the ocean?  And you’d never know if they were crawling on you because you couldn’t feel them in the water.

Her:  Is this meant to make me feel better?

me:  Hang on…are octopuses just aquatic spiders?  Because they both have eight legs and scare the shit out of me.  Are spiders just octopuses with land-tentacles?

Her:  Awesome.  Now I’m lonely and have a phobia of water-spiders.

me:  Well, see?  I told you things could be worse.

And then she laughed.  And things were better.

PS.  I googled “flying spiders” just to make sure they don’t exist (because then things really would be worse and I’d have to retire at cheering up friends) and I found this and it seems to fit:

 

20 Mind-Boggling Shower Thoughts [showerthoughts/distractify]

Previously: Name Improvements for Everyday Stuff

miscnief:

are these still a thing?

(insp)