This post, asking an exec to stop using the only gender-neutral bathroom, new manager loves ice-breakers, and more , was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.
It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…
1. Can I ask a high-level exec to stop using the one gender-neutral bathroom?
I work in academia and am an admin with my college, fairly low level. We work in a recently renovated building, but there’s still only one-gender neutral washroom per floor and it also doubles as the wheelchair accessible washroom (in theory, the door is very heavy) and the washroom that has a change table.
As far as I know, I’m the only non-binary person in my college. I have to wait on other people to vacate the single use washroom as it’s the only washroom that isn’t gendered. Technically I can use the other ones but it gives me major dysphoria lately. I’ve seen our dean (my boss’s boss’s boss) coming in or out of that washroom lately and she is not using any visible disability aids.
I recognize a lot of people use single stall washrooms because it’s a bit more private, but I am really tired of waiting to pee because someone wants to not be in the shared washroom (which for context, the women’s beside the single stall has all of two stalls in it, and the men’s I’m not sure). Is there a polite way I can ask her to stop? It feels weird to comment on washroom habits but standing and waiting wastes so much time.
As an aside, I really wish places would stop trying to cram gender diverse, disabled, and parents all into sharing one washroom. And I’m even physically disabled! Just not in a way that affects washroom access.
I don’t think you should! You can’t know that someone doesn’t have a disability just because one isn’t visible … and for that matter, you can’t assume anything about what might be going on with her gender identity. However, you could ask HR or your facilities people to issue a general reminder that people should leave those bathrooms free for people who can’t use the others. (removed upon input from commenters)
2. New manager loves ice-breakers
I work from home and I am located in the different state than everyone else I work with. This is excellent for me as I am very introverted and on the spectrum. I happy going to work, doing my job, and occasionally chatting with the people I work directly with.
I have a new manager, who seems nice and is extremely outgoing. I know she has a hard situation trying to learn all about her new team while we are all virtual. She has set a weekly meeting where she sometimes gives us work information but mostly asks things like what our favorite food is or our favorite place to vacation. She writes it all down to make sure she hears from everyone. She also has a monthly one-on-one meeting with all of us, where she asks the same sort of questions, similar to questions that elementary school teachers might ask on the first day. Is there a way to kindly tell her how difficult things like this are for me?
What on earth! It’s one thing to do this stuff as a short ice-breaker at the start of a meeting (although writing down everyone’s answers is weird) but in one-on-ones too? Why?!
When she starts in the next one-on-one you could say, “These sorts of personal trivia questions are really hard for me. Could we dive straight into our work agenda instead?” Once you see how she responds to that, you could add, “Since we’re discussing it, I’d appreciate making it more optional in our team meetings too. I’d be grateful if you’d give us the option to pass if we prefer to.”
If she’s trying to get to know her new team, this feedback exactly the sort of info she should want to hear! But if she seems put off, you could say, “I want to be sure it’s clear that I love my job and our whole set-up here. I’m just not one for this sort of sharing and I can tell you’re putting a lot of effort into people feeling comfortable and included, so I thought you’d want to know.”
3. Should I do an optional work thing that would involve a ton of driving and a terrible ex-friend?
I work at one major city branch of an international company. I moved branches during the pandemic thanks to new opportunities popping up, about two hours away. Our branch has announced a non-mandatory collaboration with my previous branch, and it looks like it would be a really fun opportunity, except for two things: it would require me to travel down to my former branch pretty much every weekend until early July (our biannual conference), and in my absence, my terrible ex-friend was hired by our former branch.
It was a toxic relationship that ended really badly a few years ago: we had a whirlwind six months of “wow, this person is amazing!” that degraded into her badmouthing my friends, attempting to isolate me, talking behind my back, and attempting to use me for my industry connections. Things didn’t end so much with a bang as with a whimper, when she failed me so badly that I just blocked her on everything and ceased contact. (I may be slow to learn, but I do learn eventually.) It was both dramatic and traumatic for me, and I kind of planned on just giving her the cut direct any time I saw her at industry functions–I never planned to work with her again.
On one hand, this project could be really rewarding. On the other hand, there will be opportunities for me to get involved in the future that don’t involve basically giving up my weekends, putting insane milage on my car, and having to work with someone whose guts I hate. Thoughts?
I feel like you already know the answer: you don’t want to do it. Don’t do it! It’s a bunch of driving, lost weekends, and potential drama, and there will be other opportunities that don’t involve any of those things. Pass!
4. When a job candidate responds to a scheduling email with their calendar link
I’m currently hiring for a customer service/success manager, and had four candidates I wanted to move into the next round. I emailed all with wide windows and dates that worked for all decision-makers (and made sure there was very little overlap between each of the windows in case someone came back with the same time, keeping in mind people’s local time zones).
One candidate replied that the times I provided weren’t going to work with his current job’s schedule (which is understandable, and I mentioned that they could propose different times and we would do our best to accommodate). Instead of offering a different time, he sent his Calendly link (allows people to schedule appointments with people without the back and forth emails). I was put off – but am I out of line? The times that were available started at 2 am, which is obviously ridiculous, and so I’m not even certain he keeps it updated.
This is making me want to withdraw him from the interview process completely, but maybe I’m being a fuddy duddy.
This is an interesting twist on the question about calendar links last month (#4 here). That writer felt like the person requesting their time should take on the burden of the scheduling (not just offer a link and leave it to the other person to take from there), which I disagreed with … but in this case, I agree with you that something feels more off about you offering specific time windows to a job candidate and him coming back with “here’s my calendar.” I think it’s because you went out of your way to offer lots of options and he’s not returning the same level of effort, but I also suspect it’s tied into power dynamics that we shouldn’t be defending (like that it’s more about expecting deference from a job candidate — because would you have the same reaction if it were a different type of meeting?).
In any case, I definitely wouldn’t reject him over it! If there’s not an obvious time on his calendar that works, I’d just write back, “Could you propose a few blocks of time that would work for you? That’s easiest on my end.” (That said, given that you’re juggling a lot of schedules, just looking at his link really might be the easiest way to do it.)
5. Company rejected me, then said they thought there was a place for me there
I used to work for Company A from 2011-2016 and had three different roles with that company while I was there. The last role was a terrible fit for me, I was dealing with some personal issues, and they gave me the option to resign with severance and they wouldn’t fight my unemployment claim. So I did that, took some time, and a year later went to work for Company B, where I’ve been until recently. I’ve been job hunting and saw a role with Company A that looked perfect for me – I’ve changed career focus since leaving them and the new role was something I was *very* well suited for. Anyway, long story short, I had a full interview loop but didn’t get the job. The hiring manager did connect with me on LinkedIn after rejecting me, but I figured that was just a formality.
But I heard from Company A again yesterday. They said basically, “While the role you interviewed for may not have been a good fit, we do think there’s a place for you at Company A, please let us know if you’re still interested in roles and we’ll work with you.” I’m not interested; I accepted a new role in the time between them rejecting me and contacting me now, and wrote back with a polite note saying that.
I’ve never had a company that rejected me then reach out and say “We think you might still be a fit here” and I don’t know what to make of it or if I should read anything into it at all. It just struck me as odd and I was wondering what you thought.
It’s not odd! Sometimes there’s a candidate who doesn’t get the job but is still really appealing (either for a similar role or a totally different one). Sometimes it’s because you’re a strong candidate for the role but so is someone else and they only have one slot. Sometimes it’s because you weren’t quite right for the role they were interviewing for but you’d be great for something else. Hell, I’ve said to rejected candidates, “We think you’re great and want to work with you, and while we don’t know exactly what the right role is, we’re trying to figure it out and please expect to hear from us again soon.” It’s really just what it says at face value.
Kai Shappley, a Pearland native who now lives in Austin, is the inspiration for the feature length documentary, Mama Bears, which premiered at South by Southwest on March 13. Now just eleven years old, Kai became a nationally recognized activist five years ago after she and her conservative Christian mother, Kimberly Shappley, began challenging legislation targeting trans people in Texas. In 2017, she appeared at the Texas Capitol sitting on her mother’s lap while her mother testified against SB 91, a bill that aimed to prevent transgender people from using the restrooms that matched their gender identities. In 2021, Kai returned to the Capitol, this time to testify by herself against SB 1311 and SB 1646, which aimed to criminalize gender-affirming medical treatment for trans…
