For 14 years, Dan Gallo and Chuck Akers hosted the morning drive for Houston Country Legends Radio 97.1 FM. Today, the Houston radio veterans talk about their storied careers.
I recently tried your no-bake recipe for Golden Turmeric Energy Balls because I currently have two five-pound bags of turmeric. Yours was the first link that came up when I googled “recipes heavy on turmeric.”
I get why your blog is so popular; it has a strong angle. Even I found something in common with you: family values. In fact, family is the reason I have an excess of turmeric. I was in the spice aisle of Whole Foods with my mother-in-law, who took one look at the prices and began to scream “neo-colonialism” like it was bloody murder. We had to leave. She ended up ordering me wholesale turmeric, but the product had no scent and a stale flavor. I couldn’t use it for my dishes, but I figured it could be perfect for yours.
Your post opened with an essay mapping your personal journey with irritable bowel syndrome, interspersed with ads for turmeric tincture. I got to the recipe after forty-five seconds of scrolling, which is apparently how long you had to get to the toilet back when your IBS was in full swing.
Yes, I read your whole essay. I noticed you are a registered dietician since you mention it in every paragraph. I am all for women claiming their titles, but you already put “RD” in your blog name. I get this is your way of differentiating yourself from the other mommy bloggers, and to your credit, you did try to make yourself relatable. You listed “common mommy problems,” although “the nanny made Baby a snack, but no one fed you!” is not a problem I have. I wish it were, trust me. You also talked about the fatigue that comes with motherhood, and the importance of staying a step ahead of hunger. You came off as progressive. Anti-diet culture. Feminist. You believe that mommies can do it all.
What really sucked me in was your food photography. Despite the iPhone portrait-mode shots, it’s clear you are an artist. You have an eye for detail. You have remodeled your home to perfectly match the color scheme of your blog. You tout a cherry red manicure (that somehow remains unstained by turmeric), and your photos of half-eaten balls showcase the indent of an enviably aligned bite. Your photos reflect the impending inner glow you claim I, too, can have if I regularly eat your balls.
I admit, your post displayed my dream life. Your recipe was much more simple.
It began, as most do, by listing out the ingredients. However, your ingredients came with epithets—golden raisins, fresh ginger, unsalted cashews. You made these items sound exotic and rare, but as someone who cooks with them almost daily, I know they sell in bulk at the local ethnic grocery store. Instead of acknowledging that your balls appropriate South Asian culture and encouraging your audience to purchase from Indian-owned businesses, you linked out to your own dropship storefront.
Throughout your recipe, you explained the probiotic benefits of turmeric. Even though you didn’t cite peer-reviewed science articles (as I have been asked to when speaking on Eastern wellness practices), I believed you. You have an RD.
Ultimately, I made your recipe because you wrote, “I wish I could eat turmeric by the spoonful.” I have always wanted to love my culture as much as you seem to.
When it came down to it, your recipe was only two steps—use a food processor and mash back together. Indeed, I was able to successfully use up all my stale turmeric. Unfortunately, it was inedible. I had to trash your balls.
Summertime. You’re sitting on a beach, working up a good sweat and a better tan. The sun high overhead, you reach into your cooler, flush with ice. It’s time to crack open a cold one and melt into the afternoon. And there’s no better way to quench your thirst than with an IPA crammed with an obscene amount of crushingly bitter, obscenely dank, throat-burning hops. This summer, we will jam your face with our hops.
These aren’t just any hops. We import only the most scathing Fuggle hops from a region in the UK known only for conquest and brutality. You may think that because you’re lounging in the hot sun you’d prefer a zesty pilsner. Maybe a delicate and crisp Irish red ale. Well, then perhaps you don’t have the guts to drink an octuple-IPA that’s caustic grains are mashed over actual lava sourced from Ethiopia’s Erta Ale volcano while loudspeakers crank out Motörhead’s “Ace of Spades” on a loop inside an abandoned underground nuclear testing site.
We’ve genetically altered these esophagus hop bombs to create an acid composition that will scramble your DNA. Then we dry roast our resentful little lupulins over the corpses of our vanquished enemies to create an IPA that has been banned in twenty-six countries under a new protocol of the Geneva Conventions.
But we don’t stop there. Because we triple smoke this iron maiden for the mouth using a proprietary mix of burnt plastic from the Mobro 4000 garbage barge and a batch of recalled patchouli oil seized at a 2009 Phish reunion show in Hampton, Virginia.
While all your pals are crushing can after can of effervescent Mexican lager in a glorious reprieve of a triple-digit heat wave, you’ll be choking down the thickest, mealiest, and most vengeful IPA ever produced. Our yeast is doused with artisanal gasoline salvaged from a shuttered Peterbilt engine factory that the EPA sued for every manner of environmental violation. We dare you to finish even one can.
Brewed in collaboration with the Department of Defense and Halliburton, our unbearably acrid IPA is so universally feared that the American Society of Brewing Chemists has issued a cease-and-desist letter. The FDA has suggested our IPA be made available by prescription only.
Some IPAs round out their flavor palate with a Strata hop, giving you the minor relief of fresh, tropical fruit flavors. Our opinion: fruity hops are for wine drinkers and pickleball enthusiasts. If you want fruit then maybe crack open a bottle of go jack yourself. There is no salvation with our mordant and spiteful masterpiece. Blasted with overtones of rubber tires, fetid ghost pepper, and acetone, tasting our IPA is the equivalent of squeezing an entire lemon in your eye while someone punches you in the dick with a two-by-four. It’s. Just. That. Good.
Hey! I’m mixing stuff and getting everything together for another album, it’ll be ready next month or the one after. Maybe even another cheeky animated video a la “mixed Messages” from the one and only GalooGameLady?
A poll worker helps voters cast their ballots in the Kansas primary election at Merriam Christian Church in Merriam, Kansas, on August 2. | Kyle Rivas/Getty Images
More people turned out than in any primary in Kansas history — and that could happen elsewhere, too.
On Tuesday, an unprecedented number of Kansans voted against a constitutional amendment that would have allowed lawmakers to end abortion protections. That’s a big win for women’s rights, but the outcome also carries major implications for elections nationwide this November. It’s especially true in those states where abortion rights are on the ballot after the overturning of Roe Vs. Wade and where Democrats are seeking to stay in power.
More than 900,000 Kansans showed up to the polls to vote on the state’s abortion referendum. That’s the biggest turnout for a primary election in the state’s history, according to the Kansas Secretary of State’s office. That number is closer to what we’d expect to see in a general election turnout, which is always vastly higher than primaries. And it suggests we could also see high turnout in upcoming primaries where abortion is on the docket.
Known as “Value Them Both,” the amendment would have removed constitutional protections for abortion that came from a 2019 ruling by the Kansas Supreme Court. Nearly 60 percent of those Kansas voters this year voted against the amendment — or in favor of abortion rights — while about 40 percent voted for it. That margin is higher than one would expect in a state where polling has showed an even split between those who support abortion and those who are against it. Nationally, Americans overwhelmingly support abortion access in some instances.
What’s perhaps most surprising about the referendum vote is that it happened in a very Republican state. Just a quarter of registered voters in Kansas are Democrats, while 40 percent are Republicans. Nearly a third are unaffiliated.
In the last general election, Kansas, as it has done for decades, went for the Republican candidate. But in Tuesday’s primary, in every single county, votes on the referendum were to the left of what they were in the 2020 presidential election, according to a Washington Post analysis of Kansas Secretary of State data.
The referendum in particular seems to have brought out women, who are considered to be most affected by abortion laws. As Tom Bonier, CEO of a Democratic data firm TargetSmart, pointed out, the share of new Kansas registrants who were women skyrocketed after news of US Supreme Court’s Dobbs decision.
The Dobbs decision engaged women in Kansas to an unprecedented degree.
This chart shows the percent of new registrants in the state who were women (as a 7 day average). Note the spike after the Dobbs decision leaked, and huge jump after the Supreme Court handed it down. pic.twitter.com/pvi3WpuR86
In Kansas, the issue brought out record numbers of voters. Even Republicans might have voted for abortion rights. The question now is whether people across the country will turn out for this issue as well.
Hovertext: If you've ever watched a scientist scowl at an excel spreadsheet for 16 hours in a single sitting, you'll wonder where this whole concept of loving your work ever came from.
Readers say Canadian, Texas, wouldn’t be the same without its weekly newspaper, The Canadian Record. The current editor and publisher is looking for a successor who wants to make a living — and an impact.
Before abortion was legal in parts of Mexico, an extensive “accompaniment” system grew to help women safely terminate pregnancies on their own. Its organizers are now moving abortion-inducing medication across the border and helping replicate the system in the United States.
Conspiracy theorist Alex Jones testified that he now understands it was irresponsible of him to declare the Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre a hoax.
Conspiracy theorist Alex Jones testified that he now understands it was irresponsible of him to declare the Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre a hoax.
“Virtual Realities: The Art of M.C. Escher from the Michael S. Sachs Collection is the largest and most comprehensive exhibition of works by M.C. Escher ever held, from the collection of Michael S. Sachs, who gathered works over 50 years and acquired ninety percent of the Escher estate in 1980. The exhibition will include more than 400 prints, drawings, watercolors, printed fabrics, constructed objects (such as the Angels and Devils sphere), wood and linoleum blocks, lithographic stones, sketchbooks, and the artist’s working tools.
Maurits Cornelis Escher (Dutch, 1898-1972), popularly referred to as M.C. Escher, is known internationally for his self-described “mental images,” which connect to mathematics and various branches of science. Considered a “one-man art movement,” he remained outside of the art establishment. Escher was heralded in the psychedelic era of the 1960s and 1970s and is treasured today for his mind- bending works.”
2. Chaos 8!
Ro2 Art (Dallas)
August 6 – September 17, 2022
From Ro2 Art:
“Ro2 art is thrilled to announce CHAOS 8!, the return of the gallery’s signature invitational summer small works show. The eighth edition marks the return after a two year hiatus. Presenting works by over 150 artists, the show includes those from the gallery roster and invited guest artists from North Texas and beyond. Hung in true salon-style, entering the main space will feel like an embrace from the art community.”
Cristina Velásquez, “As If It Were the Sun” on view at Assembly in Houston.
“Assembly is pleased to present As If It Were the Sun, new work by Colombian artist, Cristina Velásquez. This is Assembly’s debut exhibition at our brick-and-mortar gallery in Houston, Texas. As If It Were the Sun extends the artist’s inquiry into the photographic gaze against issues of identity, history, and colonialism through photographs and photographic weavings made with cardboard. The straight, color photographs are purposeful fragments of larger narratives. Drawing the viewer’s attention to the reductive nature of the medium, this work opposes the photograph’s tendency to distill its subject’s intersectional relationship to the world into a single quality—often viewed from a Western perspective—’the sun.’ For Velásquez, similar to identity, the function of the photograph is to explore rather than to define. It presents an opportunity for vulnerability, dialogue, and even collaboration. As If It Were the Sun reorients viewers away from a hegemonic view to a more nuanced position. Velásquez’s gestural crops imply that there is always more than what is presented.”
Kalee Appleton, Digital rendering for vinyl wrapped buildings, on view at Ivester Contemporary.
“Ivester Contemporary is excited to announce our Main Exhibition Space summer group show titled Dream Job. Ivester Contemporary has invited each artist to dream up and present their biggest ideas. The gallery will be displaying highly presentable and collectable sketches, maquettes, and digital renderings of the projects and ideas that they would pursue if money, time, knowledge, and space were not obstacles. Examples of the eleven ambitious ideas that will be on view include drawings of twelve-foot-tall bronze and stained-glass outdoor sculpture, a maquette of a playground in the shape of giant animal bust, and a digital rendering of skyscrapers wrapped in custom vinyl designs. The goal of the exhibition is not only to display beautifully presentable descriptions of the group of artist’s ideas, but to look for individuals, corporations, and public entities willing to invest in producing these grand projects. An opening reception will be held from 7-9pm on July 16th and many of the artists participating will be in attendance.”
Voelcker & Dixon Inc. Hardin with wings and tower, 1935; From the MSU Archive Collection, Moffett Library Special Collections
“Universities offer a wealth of resources in support of learning and enrichment, including collections of all kinds. Donations of collections often commemorate a person or milestone in the university’s history and, as such, tell a story that can inspire one’s own belonging. Learn about the treasures at MSU, when and how they came to be and what is special about them. From geological specimens to early radiology equipment and documentary photographs to illuminated manuscripts, with visual art and letter jackets too, the collections at MSU Texas invite broad interest, study, and enrichment.”
Picture it: there I was, moving out the oldest baby name books from the non-fiction 900s, fairly impressed that they are mostly from the last five years and circulating at a reasonable rate. Suddenly, I came upon this one, much older than the rest with pages starting to yellow and a paperback cover starting to do that thing where it separates into two distinct pieces of paper, sort of curling up at one edge.
What do I do? Look up my name, obvi. Then I looked up Mary, as one does.
Wow, every name seems to have a really depressing, negative description! Holly is “overly sweet…despite her poor upbringing.” Mary has “a conservative, mousy appearance.” Even biblical names! “Ham” says “what else can you expect when you hear the name Ham? It’s not surprising that people describe Ham as a piggish, rude, and dorky man. They also claim he’s sloppy, ignorant, and totally unappealing to women.” Tough break, dude.
I’m sure there are some nice descriptions that would make you look at your sweet baby and say, “Yes! Sarina is determined and goal oriented with lots of confidence and a sharp mind!” Just ignore the part where she’s also apparently a potential “conniving and snobby backstabber.” Focus on the good part.
If we ever want to simulate a universe, we should probably learn to simulate even a single atomic nucleus. But it’s taken some of the most incredible ingenuity of the past half-century to figure out how that out. All so that today I can teach you how to simulate a very very small universe.
Hosted by Matt O'Dowd Written by Euan McLean & Matt O'Dowd Post Production by Leonardo Scholzer, Yago Ballarini, Pedro Osinski, Adriano Leal & Stephanie Faria GFX Visualizations: Ajay Manuel Directed by Andrew Kornhaber Associate Producer: Bahar Gholipour Executive Producers: Eric Brown & Andrew Kornhaber Executives in Charge (PBS): Adam Dylewski, Maribel Lopez Director of Programming (PBS): Gabrielle Ewing
Big Bang Supporters Steffen Bendel Gautam Shine NullBlox.ZachryWilsn Adam Hillier Bryce Fort Peter Barrett David Neumann Charlie Leo Koguan Ahmad Jodeh Alexander Tamas Morgan Hough Amy Hickman Juan Benet Vinnie Falco Fabrice Eap Mark Rosenthal David Nicklas
Quasar Supporters Glenn Sugden Dr. Sujasha Gupta Vaka Dr. Vikram Reddy Vaka Alex Kern Ethan Cohen Stephen Wilcox Christina Oegren xaexyz Mark Heising Hank S
Hypernova Supporters john ibes Vyce Ailour Brandon Paddock Oneamazinguy Ken S Gregory Forfa Kirk Honour Mark Evans drollere Joe Moreira Marc Armstrong Scott Gorlick Paul Stehr-Green Russell Pope Ben Delo Scott Gray Антон Кочков John R. Slavik Mathew Donal Botkin John Pollock Edmund Fokschaner Joseph Salomone chuck zegar Jordan Young John Hofmann Daniel Muzquiz
Gamma Ray Burst Supporters Kane Holbrook Bradley S. Isenbek Jason Bowen John Yaraee Ross Story teng guo Mason Dillon Harsh Khandhadia Thomas Tarler bsgbryan Sean McCaul Carsten Quinlan Susan Albee Frank Walker Matt Q WhizBangery MHL SHS Terje Vold Anatoliy Nagornyy comboy Andre Stechert Paul Wood Kent Durham jim bartosh Nubble Scott R Calkins The Mad Mechanic Ellis Hall John H. Austin, Jr. Diana S Ben Campbell Faraz Khan Almog Cohen Alex Edwards Ádám Kettinger MD3 Endre Pech Daniel Jennings Cameron Sampson Geoffrey Clarion Darren Duncan Russ Creech Jeremy Reed Eric Webster David Johnston Web Browser Michael Barton Mr T Andrew Mann Isaac Suttell Devon Rosenthal Oliver Flanagan Bleys Goodson Robert Walter Bruce B Mirik Gogri Mark Delagasse Mark Daniel Cohen Nickolas Andrew Freeman Shane Calimlim Tybie Fitzhugh Robert Ilardi Eric Kiebler Craig Stonaha Graydon Goss Frederic Simon Tonyface John Robinson A G David Neal justahat John Funai Tristan Bradley Jenkins Kyle Hofer Daniel Stříbrný Luaan Cody Thomas Dougherty King Zeckendorff Dan Warren Patrick Sutton John Griffith Daniel Lyons DFaulk Kevin Warne
I wound up taking the job at LargeCorp. When I wrote you, it was the same day grandboss had revoked his commitment. The next day, when you published my letter, he told me I could stay, in a job position I didn’t want, and isn’t my core competency, for about 20% of the raise he had committed to originally. I took the weekend, but on Monday I declined his offer, and gave one final week’s notice. I start at LargeCorp this week, for a substantial raise and signing bonus.
The commentariat was so helpful in settling my feelings. I particularly liked the comments that 30 years of experience should make me the majority shareholder, CEO, president, or Pope. It solidified the complete ridiculousness of that comment!
Fortunately I had not given up the job at LargeCorp- the Friday I had been told my promotion was good, I had a sense that it wasn’t fully settled- one of my conditions of staying for the promotion was that grandboss would announce my role change to the line of business, so there wouldn’t be as much of a chance he would revoke his decision. Because I felt unsettled, I committed to myself that I wouldn’t jettison LargeCorp until my promotion was announced, and that cynicism saved my bacon. As it is, since grandboss wasted time with his games, I wound up staying an extra week and got paid my production bonus, which I’d been willing to walk away from for the raise at LargeCorp. Grandboss’ one act of decency was to not deny me that bonus. I think he also knew not to trifle with me, because I am well known in SmallCorp, and we are a rather gossipy institution, so certain people know exactly what happened, and are probably sharing some version of the truth with others. I did make sure not to implicate anyone else in the disaster- it was truly all on grandboss, and so I emphasized that the new leadership didn’t play a part in my treatment.
It’s pretty bittersweet to be leaving- I am really close and attached to my team–they’re great people and I’ve worked with my boss for more than 8 years; he has been the best champion of my career, and supports me leaving for greener pastures. Grandboss is retiringin just a month or so, and his replacement is a great person, he just didn’t have any ability to fix the trainwreck Grandboss caused. Another executive who is too rigid is retiring in 6 months, and the appointed new leadership is young, vibrant, and hungry to make changes to what is, at its core, a great institution. Both of these oncoming executives have given me an open invitation to come back any time, and they acknowledge that grandboss mishandled this whole thing. So, if it doesn’t work at LargeCorp in terms of an institutional/cultural fit, I know I have a home back at SmallCorp (just not with Grandboss there…what a jackwagon).
I own a small (game store) retail business and the store manager I hired to run my business sucks. The store sales have been terrible. The orders he’s been placing of merchandise for our shelves have been terrible and he’s buying way too many items that we don’t need or won’t sell and doesn’t buy the actual products we need that customers do want. He keeps the place a mess and it’s honestly embarrassing and frustrating to walk into trash and leftover food everywhere all the time. He even sucks at hiring new employees. Everyone he has hired we’ve had to fire because they’ve been terrible and he isn’t training them properly. He’s extremely lazy and has no drive or initiative to improve the store. He does the bare minimum and he does a very piss poor job at it.
The problem is there’s a handful of customers who really love him because they’ve been friends for many years. We would love to find a replacement for him, but he’s well known in the community and we are afraid that if we let him go we will take a hit in the community and lose a lot of customers. But we feel like we are already taking a huge hit with him being the manager so it’s hard to figure out what to do in this situation. He’s been with us three years and we’ve had plenty of heart-to-heart talks with him to try and boost his confidence and build him up to hopefully produce better work, but it has been fruitless.
You need to fire him; he’s apparently totally unsuited for the job and is destroying your business.
Isn’t whatever hit you might take from people upset that you fired him outweighed by the hit you’re taking right now from having a messy, embarrassing store with bad merchandise, low sales, and terrible employees? And that’s if there even is a hit once you fire him. Even people who are friends with him are probably able to see the store isn’t in great shape. Sometimes it’s really clear to people why their friend was fired.
But you can minimize your chances of fall-out by managing him in a way that preserves his dignity as much as possible. If things weren’t as much of a mess as they are, I’d suggest trying to make his departure more of a mutual decision: “We are losing money and I need you do X, Y, and Z. We’ve talked about this a lot and nothing has changed. Understanding that I need to see XYZ from you right away, meaning within the next few weeks, and given that those aren’t metrics you’ve been able to meet in the past, does it make sense to give it one more shot, understanding I’d need to let you go in a month if there haven’t been significant changes, or would it make more sense for us to start planning now for an amicable transition that gives you time to find something else?”
But given how very bad he is at the job, I don’t think you can offer him another month. Instead, I’d go with a conversation where you thank him for the energy he’s put into the store, are honest that his strengths (name them if you can!) don’t line up with what the job needs, and tell him you can’t keep him on.
Normally if you hadn’t clearly warned someone that their job was on the line, I’d urge you to do that first — giving a clear warning of what needs to change, a short timeline to do it in, and a clear statement that you’d need to fire them at the end of that time if you don’t see those changes. But in this case (as is often the case with very high-up positions), he’s in a position to do so much damage — and has already done so much damage — that you need to cut to the chase before he does more.
You should also consider offering severance. Severance is made for these situations, because the person receiving the severance typically signs a legally binding non-disparagement agreement in return for the money.
And then once this is all behind you, you’ve got to figure out how this went on for three years! Anyone can make a bad hire, but it’s worth looking at how you made this one in particular (did you check references? how did you evaluate him in the interview?) and how he ended up entrenched there for so long once the problems became clear.
"South Park" turns 25 this year, and for some godforsaken reason, I felt the best way to celebrate would be to binge watch the feature film, play the video games, check out the Paramount+ made-for-TV specials, and consume all TWENTY-FIVE SEASONS of television. Hey, I never said I made good decisions with my free time. Admittedly, I've learned an awful lot by comin' down to South Park and havin' myself a time, and I'm happy to pass on what I've learned with all of you, my dear /Film readers. We've already ranked the best seasons and characters as we reflect on two and a half decades of debauchery, but what about the greatness time forgot?
There are plenty of classic "South Park" episodes that are universally praised by fans and critics alike, but there are also some deep-cut episodes that aren't often brought up in these "Best of" discussions that absolutely deserve their place. By and large, these are 10 of the best "South Park" episodes that no one remembers. Not you, though. You remember. Of course.
Proper Condom Use
Sex education in American public schools is a joke in and of itself, but "South Park" pushes it to new heights with "Proper Condom Use." Cartman and Kenny are tricked by the fifth graders into believing it's possible to "milk" a dog, when in reality, they're just stimulating a dog until it ejaculates. The two show Stan and Kyle what they've learned, which Stan executes in front of his parents and all of their friends to all of their horror. Stan is grounded for months despite not understanding what he did wrong, and since all of the parents are too embarrassed to teach their kids about sex, they tell the school it is their responsibility.
Unfortunately, Mr. Mackey hasn't had sex in over 20 years so his instruction to the boys is totally useless, and Ms. Choksondik terrifies the girls with graphic descriptions of sexually transmitted diseases without actually explaining that the conditions are passed through sexual intercourse. This leads to a "Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior" inspired showdown between the boys and girls, convinced that the opposite gender is going to give them STDs. People typically remember bits from this episode like Mr. Mackey and Ms. Choksondik having sex and Mr. Garrison teaching the kindergarteners how to apply condoms in the most Mr. Garrison way possible. The episode ends with Chef highlighting how the children have been failed by both the parents and teachers, which is the same unfortunate reality for most kids across the country.
Royal Pudding
Any Ike-centric "South Park" episode is a winner in my book, and "Royal Pudding" is no exception. At the time of its release, critics disliked the episode, with The A.V. Club calling it, "one of the series' strangest half-hours." The story centers on the Canadian Royal Wedding, complete with nonsensical Canadian royal "traditions" like the Prince of Canada shoving the dismembered arm of his bride-to-be up his anus. The ridiculousness of it all is a way to parody the pretension of the British royal weddings. After the future princess is kidnapped mid-ceremony, all Canadians are called upon to help in bringing her back, which puts Ike on a quest for adventure.
The episode feels like a callback to season 1 episodes like "Volcano!" with the introduction of the Tooth Decay monster feeling an awful lot like Scuzzlebutt. "Royal Pudding" is absurdist "South Park" humor at its best, and offers some great moments for Mr. Mackey as he slowly loses his mind trying to rehearse the kindergarten play about dental hygiene without his star, Ike. Maybe people were too burnt out on Royal Wedding news to fully appreciate the satire in this episode, but upon rewatch, it's too ridiculous not to love. "What a glorious day for Canada, and therefore of course, the world."
A Nightmare On FaceTime
Randy Marsh has slowly become one of the best characters on "South Park," and the Halloween special "A Nightmare on Facetime" is one of his standout episodes. Convinced he's found the ticket to financial success, Randy buys a Blockbuster, despite the fact streaming and Redbox rental machines have all but killed brick and mortar rental stores. The episode spends most of the time lampooning "The Shining," with Randy slowly losing his mind at their isolated store, interacting with the ghosts of Blockbuster customer past and putting his family through hell.
Stan is unable to go trick-or-treating as his dad is forcing him to work at the store, so the rest of the boys strap an iPad on a skateboard so he can virtually join them, and complete their Avengers group costume. Halloween episodes are consistently good on "South Park," but thanks to the biting commentary on our (at the time growing) fixation with streaming and the fear older generations have about pivoting to a digital future, "A Nightmare on FaceTime" is also one of their smartest. This is also the episode where I learned Randy Marsh and I have the same McDonald's order, which honestly has me questioning some of my life choices. (Chicken nuggets with sweet and sour sauce and a Sprite, if you were curious.)
Eat, Pray, Queef
In the second season of "South Park," Parker and Stone played an April Fool's joke on fans by showing "Terrance and Phillip in Not Without My Anus," as the premiere, instead of the promised reveal of Cartman's dad following the season 1 cliffhanger finale. In the season 13 meta episode "Eat, Pray, Queef," the men of South Park are furious when the anticipated episode of "Terrance and Phillip" turns out to be an April Fool's joke and is replaced by a show called "Queef Sisters." The show is exactly like "Terrance and Phillip," but replaces the lead characters with Katherine and Katie, two girls who queef on each other instead of fart.
I know, I know, the premise sounds extremely juvenile even by "South Park" standards, but "Eat, Pray, Queef" is a fantastic look at the sexist double standard when it comes to men, women, and bodily functions. The women of South Park spend most of the episode queefing for fun much to the chagrin of the men, who can't really explain why farts are funny and queefs are gross without admitting they're being sexist. It's a brilliant episode in an already strong season, unfortunately overshadowed by all-time great episodes like "Margaritaville" and "Fishsticks."
Tsst
Liane Cartman spends almost the entirety of "South Park" bending to the whims of her sociopathic bigot of a child (until now), but the season 10 episode "Tsst" is one of the most prominent example we see of how hard it is for her to parent Eric Cartman. She first seeks the help of reality TV nannies to get him under control, but when that doesn't work, she enlists the help of "The Dog Whisperer," Cesar Millan. His techniques, while often reserved for animals, work wonders on Eric and for a brief moment it seems like he's finally changed for good. With Eric no longer taking up all of her time, she attempts to befriend Millan, who makes it clear that his relationship with Liane was simply doing business.
This reignites her codependency issues with Eric, and she immediately goes back to the way things were. This episode is fantastic because not only is it wickedly funny to see someone finally put Eric in his place, but it's also a reminder of how deep "South Park" has the capability of being. The ending moments with Liane resorting to babying Eric again are hard to watch, because we as the viewer recognize how alone she truly is in her community without her son's affections.
The Meteor Shower Trilogy: Cat Orgy/Two Guys Naked In A Hot Tub/Jewbilee
Whenever we talk about the longform storytelling or serialized episodes of "South Park," people often forget about "The Meteor Shower Trilogy" from season 3, featuring "Cat Orgy," "Two Guys Naked in a Hot Tub," and "Jewbilee." The three episodes all highlight events around the city of South Park during a meteor shower, with each episode becoming more absurd than the last. "Cat Orgy" is one of the only Shelley Marsh centered episodes in the show's entire run, "Two Guys Naked in a Hot Tub" provides our first real adventure with the soon-to-be beloved character Butters, and "Jewbilee" allows the Broflovski boys to take center stage in a whip smart satire of Jewish stereotypes and the canonical introduction of Moses as a dreidel shaped being resembling Master Control Program from "Tron."
All three episodes take wildly different approaches to comedic storytelling but still manage to fit as a cohesive trilogy with plenty of laughs. Cartman impersonating Will Smith from "Wild, Wild, West" is burned in my memory forever, as is Randy and Gerald's constant sexual tension, and the baby-bear birthday party all of the Squirts attend on their scouting adventures. The trilogy is remembered by die-hard fans for sure, but never gets enough love when discussing the all time great moments.
The Losing Edge
Randy Marsh getting arrested while bloodied and shouting, "Oh, I'm sorry, I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA!" has become one of the most memed moments of "South Park," but few remember the moment comes from an episode about little league baseball. "The Losing Edge" is plotted out similarly to underdog sports movies like "Rocky," with the gimmick being the kids hating baseball and trying to lose on purpose so they can spend their summer playing video games, and Randy training to get into drunken fights with dads of the opposing teams.
The true underdog story belongs to Randy as he gears up to face off with the drunk and obnoxious "Bat Dad," while the kids enlist Kyle's cousin Kyle Schwartz, who is a walking stereotype inspired by Woody Allen, to serve as a reverse ringer to ensure the team loses the little league finals. The drunk and bloodied Randy meme is great, but the episode it comes from is even better.
Informative Murder Porn
I've got a lot of mixed feelings about America's current obsession with true crime, and "Informative Murder Porn" is a shockingly good takedown of people who consume true-crime stories on an unhealthy level. The show takes the concept of "murder porn" quite literally, presenting it as something the adults become obsessed with and watch together during intimate moments. As a means to put an end to it, all of the kids put parental controls on TV by locking them out with a question no parent could answer, "How do you tame a horse in Minecraft?"
The rest of the episode focuses on the parents' quest to figure out the answer so they can take off the parental blocks, even paying a kid to teach them all how to play Minecraft. The idea for the episode came from Trey Parker and Bill Hader, who was working in the "South Park" writer's room at the time. Hader has spoken very positively about his time at "South Park," and has credited the show with how he approaches "Barry." At the bare minimum, that connection alone is a reason to revisit "Informative Murder Porn."
Hummels & Heroin
Remember that time Killer Mike wrote a song about being "Locked Up" in an assisted living facility for the elderly? "Hummels & Heroin" is an episode from season 21, arguably a season that most people haven't actually watched having fallen off the "South Park" train years ago. Stan becomes an unwilling participant in the opioid epidemic, being used as a drug mule delivering opiates prescribed to the elderly in exchange for Hummel figurines. The boys are wrangled in to help distract the elderly at one point, performing as a barbershop quartet that sings songs that uh, had likely never been arranged for barbershop performance before.
The episode features a guest performance from Josh Gad who was starring in "The Book of Mormon" at the time, as one the best one-off characters in "South Park" history, the costume-character obsessed Marcus Preston. "Hummels & Heroin" is one of those timeless "South Park" episodes that aren't limited by whatever was going on in the news that week, allowing it to be endlessly rewatchable. It's also a great episode for Grampa Marvin Marsh, who is always a solid source of humor.
Pinkeye
The season 1 Halloween special "Pinkeye" is, in my opinion, the episode that determined whether or not someone was going to continue watching "South Park." The episode is a satire of horror movies, and easily the most offensive episode of the first season. It's painfully nihilistic, graphically violent, and shows the truth of Eric Cartman's bigotry when he dresses up like Adolf Hitler, only to later wear a ghost costume that closely resembles the Ku Klux Klan hoods. "Pinkeye" is classic "South Park," warts and all, and still manages to bring a lot of laughs despite its utterly ridiculous premise of a zombie infestation confused for an outbreak of pinkeye.
The first season of "South Park" is remembered predominantly by the pilot episode, Mecha Streisand, Mr. Hankey, Big Gay Al, and the season finale cliffhanger, but "Pinkeye" deserves to be hailed right along with the rest of the classics. It started the trend of "South Park" having consistently fantastic Halloween specials, and gave us our first look at the extreme levels of degeneracy the show was willing to tackle.
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The New Baby Name Survey
