Hpecker

“Camo Condoms” are a great idea. When you’re out in the woods, a deer can spot a regular condom at three-quarters of a mile.

3 Flowcharts for People with Social Anxieties

via slightlyirresponsible 

Let’s talk about having room for milk in your coffee.

First off, that is less coffee than you asked for. You ordered a 16 oz. cup of coffee, you should get a 16 oz. cup of coffee. If I wanted a smaller cup, I would order one. For that matter, WHO WANTS LESS COFFEE?

Also on notice is anyone that orders a cup of coffee, goes over to the “milk station” with the sugar, milk, stirrers, etc., and pours out coffee into the trash can. Do you know what kind of mess that creates for those cleaning it up? And again, you there, who ordered a coffee, why did you go wanting less coffee?

I decided to rant about this into a camera:

Super Art Fight 100

After 6 years, thousands of miles, and countless jokes about Ninja Turtles, Super Art Fight is celebrating 100 shows with a blowout in Baltimore! It is this Saturday. Details here. Tickets here.

Throwback Thursday

Sure, it’s just about the size of a real-life horse, but do you really want to pay this much for a lamp? And where are you going to put it?

A US Map Of The Greatest Musical Artist From Each State

Seriously.

Client: I need you to make me an ad for my parent’s anniversary.

Me: No problem. What size?

Client: I don’t know. Whatever you want.

Me: Okay, do you have a picture?

Client: Not yet, I’m still deciding on one.

Me: What would you like the ad to say?

Client: I thought I’d leave that up to you.

Me: So, you want an ad, but don’t know the size, you don’t have the ad copy, and you don’t have a picture? I’d love to help, but why don’t you come see me when you have more info.

Client: That would leave it too late! I wanted to make sure you had plenty of time to work with it.

Me: Work with what…?

upworthy:

So Just Look Up The Place You Were Born On This Little Chart And Check Out When You’ll Probably Die

Some of us have it better than others based purely on where we were born. Like, a lot better.

thisisfusion:

The sad, old, pasty white truth of the #Oscars: http://fus.in/1dEhtSU

Honestly, Jonathan Cash would be a great rapper name.

For real, fuck all Republicans.

John Brunner’s 1965 science fiction novel The Squares of the City concerns a South American metropolis in which two opposing political leaders direct the actions of their followers using “subliminal perception.”

In an afterword, Brunner revealed that he had organized the entire plot to follow a historic chess game, Steinitz-Tchigorin Havana 1892. Each of the 32 pieces and pawns corresponds to a character in the book, and every capture in the Steinitz-Tchigorin game corresponds to an event in the plot. For example, Felipe Mendoza, representing the black king’s bishop, is killed in a duel with Luis Arrio, who represents the white queen’s knight. In the game, Steinitz captured Tchigorin’s king’s bishop with his queen’s knight on move 22.

“The individuals who correspond to the ‘pieces’ have powers roughly commensurate with those of the pawns and officers they represent,” Brunner explained. “The moves are all there, in their correct order and — so far as possible — in precise correspondence with their effect on the original game. That is to say, support of one piece by another on its own side, threatening of one or more pieces by a piece on the other side, indirect threats and the actual taking of pieces, are all as closely represented as possible in the development of the action.”

The book was nominated for the Hugo Award for best novel in 1966.

Ben Franklin considered dueling a senseless practice, as “whichever is killed the point in dispute remains unsettled”:

To this purpose they have a pleasant little story here. A gentleman in a coffee-house desired another to sit further from him. ‘Why so?’ ‘Because, sir, you stink.’ ‘That is an affront, and you must fight me.’ ‘I will fight you if you insist upon it; but I do not see how that will mend the matter. For if you kill me, I shall stink too; and if I kill you, you will stink, if possible, worse than you do at present.’

(From a letter to Thomas Percival, July 17, 1784.)

I’m not sure that it counts as an autobiography if it’s written by someone other than the subject, and the excerpts available online were extremely dry and boring, but let me take a stab at it. Like a Roman.

I was getting tired of all these assholes following me around, writing down everything I said. After John The Baptist died (RIP) I was just chillin, and before I knew it, there were 4,000 of these disciples and they’re all “ohhhh we’re so huuuungry.” Like I even wanted any freaking disciples in the first place. After three days I was finally like, fine, and I sent some apostles out to buy up a ton of food all hurricane-style. They came back and I was like “I got bread and fish so stop your scrub-ass moaning.”

Well, a guy in the crowd starts flipping out like “where did Jesus get all this food” and I go, all sarcastically, “magic. I got it from my magic powers.” Next thing I know they’re all writing “magic” on their scrolls and I’m like, no, no, it was a joke, but they kept saying I multiplied the food. I was pretty scorched, but it was nothing compared to what happened later. (No spoilers, but if you’ve seen that cross thing they put in churches, it’s related to that.)

Your mom is fresh.

Thanks for the update.

The U.S. as seen by aliens attacking the planet in movies