Shared posts

03 Aug 17:38

Tronald Dump?

Tronald Dump

03 Aug 04:00

Driving

Sadly, it probably won't even have enough gas to make it to the first border crossing.
31 Jul 18:59

animals of the coffee kingdom

by kris

20150731_bat

thanks to @Hugh2D2 for the suggestion of “bat coffee”

29 Jul 19:12

the body’s natural wisdom

by kris

20150729_depression

sure, we would like to believe it’s “clinical depression” — but your body is communicating with you all day, every day. we can choose to ignore it… or we can choose to really listen, and understand that everything we do is actually bad

30 Jul 17:24

problem and solution

by kris

20150730_hiccup

other guy: “same, hiccups are fatal to me”

31 Jul 04:00

Vet

It's probably for the best. Since Roombas are native to North America, it's illegal for Americans to keep them in their houses under the Migratory Bird Treaty Act.
28 Jul 18:06

cancel anytime

by kris

20150728_cancellation

based on a conversation i was worried i’d have today, but instead didn’t and everything worked out fine. thanks for nothing, comcast

28 Jul 00:04

the alphabetsman

by kris

20150727_alphabet

“i got a lot of ways to rearrange the letters in the alphabet. you could do most- to least-frequently used too, but i feel like the least need to be up in front because it affects ability to memorize the new order. thank you for listening, goodbye”

24 Jul 14:20

I met with the owner of a small nightclub to discuss designing several items for him.  I’d never...

I met with the owner of a small nightclub to discuss designing several items for him.  I’d never seen this guy before, but he asked me to visit his business so he could show me this printed poster that he loves as an inspiration for my work.

When I arrived at the nightclub, I was greeted by someone and he introduced himself by name as the owner.  He escorted me back to his office, told me to sit down and angrily gestured to the poster on his desk.

Client: Do you always design nightclub posters that look as if they have been drizzled in cum, set on fire, shit on, used for target practice outside with a shotgun and then scanned into the computer like some sort of f**king JOKE??  I mean, I’ll still pay you for the work here, bro, but this shit is f**king pathetic and you should be ashamed.  My ten-year-old boy could do better shit than you, f**king joke!  Now, what do you have to say for yourself, asshole?

After a long silence…

Me: You know, that’s not my work… You called me in here to take a look at it for reference.

At this point, another person entered the office and started yelling at the client.

Actual Client:  What the f**k are you doing back here? Go back to work!

Apparently, one of the bartenders decided to play a prank on the designer scheduled to come in for a meeting by posing as the boss.

27 Jul 14:20

I was designing a logo for a client who ran a gourmet pork sausage stall at farmers markets in the...

I was designing a logo for a client who ran a gourmet pork sausage stall at farmers markets in the local area.

Client: Can you please ensure that the logo doesn’t actually show any sausages?

Me: I’m sure I can manage that. May I ask why?

Client: I don’t want to exclude Muslim markets.

I designed the logo and he was very happy with it. I’m not sure that Muslim clients will start buying his pork sausages, but at least the logo was inclusive!

24 Jul 16:28

how did this get mixed up

by kris

20150724_prayer

your palms are what do the transmitting. if you smoosh your hands together, of course none of the prayers are going to get out!! we need to figure out who put us on the wrong track with this thing

here’s another comic i did about technicalities

23 Jul 03:23

platapai: Soulja boy tell em awwwwwwwww...



platapai:

Soulja boy tell em

awwwwwwwww yooooooooooooooooooooooooo

21 Jul 22:21

Thorough Enough

by Greg Ross

Seven ways to pronounce ough:

  • dough
  • tough
  • hiccough
  • bough
  • ought
  • cough
  • through

A letter to the London Times, Sept. 20, 1934:

Sir,

‘A rough-coated dough-faced ploughman strode coughing and hiccoughing through the streets of Scarborough’ used to be set as a spelling-test at my prep school at Crowborough in the middle nineties.

I am, Sir, your obedient servant,

H. Pirie-Gordon

“If the English language made any sense,” wrote Doug Larson, “lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.”

Please support Futility Closet on Patreon!

22 Jul 06:30

Orthography

by Greg Ross

There once was a ,cal fellow,
Who grew .ically mellow;
With a — he was gone
To the town of :
To write for a sheet that was yellow.

She was wooed by a handsome young Dr.,
Who one day in his arms tightly lr.;
But straightway he swore
He would do so no more,
Which the same, it was plain, greatly shr.

A boy at Sault Ste. Marie
Said, “To spell I will not agree
Till they learn to spell ‘Soo’
Without any u
Or an a or an l or a t.”

There was an old maid from Duquesne
Who the rigor of mortis did fuesne;
She came to with a shout,
Saying: “Please let me out;
This coffin will drive me insuesne.”

— Stanton Vaughn, ed., Limerick Lyrics, 1904

Please support Futility Closet on Patreon!

20 Jul 15:38

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal - All Hail GLORNAK

by admin@smbc-comics.com

Hovertext: Now, I need a Hall of the People built, with my face on it.


New comic!
Today's News:
20 Jul 08:30

But lean a little bit closer, see that roses really smell...



But lean a little bit closer, see that roses really smell like

Summer offering (1911), Sir Lawrence Alma-Tadema / Roses, Outkast

17 Jul 14:51

fartgallery: leakinginklikeblood: lifemadesimple: Plate...

by joberholtzer


fartgallery:

leakinginklikeblood:

lifemadesimple:

Plate Etiquette 

I did not know this.  

image
15 Jul 20:05

call me, NASA

by kris

20150715-nasa

the planet i made has a lot of interesting geological features. for a very reasonable fee, you can bring a satellite over my house and take all the pics you want. don’t throw your money away when i got a great planet right here priced to move.

15 Jul 20:30

Photo



14 Jul 16:44

pleatedjeans: via

by joberholtzer
14 Jul 08:43

Musical Bone.

What is this I keep hearing about a skull trumpet? We don't play trumpets! LUNGS! Ugh...
13 Jul 08:30

flyartproductions: Eve, don’t kill Adam’s vibe Adam and Eve in...



flyartproductions:

Eve, don’t kill Adam’s vibe

Adam and Eve in paradise (c. 1527), Mabuse / Bitch Don’t Kill My Vibe, Kendrick Lamar

13 Jul 17:42

#Happybirthday to a captain, professor, surrogate father, and...

Hpecker

i hope this is real



#Happybirthday to a captain, professor, surrogate father, and real-life knight. #sirpatrickstewart

11 Jul 08:30

flyartproductions: Woman with a superb ass Woman with a double...



flyartproductions:

Woman with a superb ass

Woman with a double bass (1908), Suzanne Valodon / Super Bass, Nicki Minaj

11 Jul 13:46

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal - The Village and the Tower

by admin@smbc-comics.com

Hovertext: This comic is an allegory for, of course, the 1896 presidential elections.


New comic!
Today's News:
09 Jul 23:14

An important PSA



An important PSA

10 Jul 01:37

RacistsLovePoop asked: I saw that Scalia toad-poop-image and...



RacistsLovePoop asked: I saw that Scalia toad-poop-image and thought to myself, “Someone really needs to do a poop Don’t Tread on Me Flag, to show everyone how much these racists really love their poop.”  Well, it’s already been done.

This is terrific.

09 Jul 20:30

Photo



09 Jul 03:08

s-hayashi: Tee trinken / Drinking Tea  - Lei Xue LINK







s-hayashi:

Tee trinken / Drinking Tea  - Lei Xue LINK

08 Jul 15:25

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal - Pun-Tourette's

by admin@smbc-comics.com

Hovertext: I await your hatemail.


New comic!
Today's News: