The Nosefrida is a Swedish device allowing you to suck snot out of your child’s nose, in the same manner you would use to start a siphon from someone’s gas tank. Only it’s snot instead of gasoline, and a baby screams directly into your face the whole time you’re using it. The downside is that it actually works, so you have to use this every time they’re sick, or you’re a bad parent.
"A big part of the story is lost when it becomes a movie."
a big part of the story is lost when you cut a fucking circle out of it
Oh, for real, pretending anyone has ever asked you to “apologize for being white” is a hallmark move of racists.
My offer just sent me an adorable revision guide and I think it included a condom
it was a tea bag
My standards for boys:
- tall
- dark hair
- stubble
- cute smile
- love horseback riding
- unusually long life span
- speak elvish
- secretly be the heir to the throne of Gondor
- Aragorn
- be Aragorn
Horseback riding negotiable
I love the way this develops.
Freudian slip or thesaurus brain #mywinehome
Also, a recurrent nickname for the men in my family, because Oberholtzer is a whole bunch of letters to deal with.
Hpeckerah, dumb math joke
Hpecker"i love everything about this"
except the part where she's surrounded by thousands of used gas bombs
Palestinian lady collects gas bombs fired by Israeli army. She grows flowers in these bombs.
I love everything about this.
I was working on an email blast for a client, and I had just sent them a proof. The client called soon after:
Client: Can you also send the proof to Lisa’s email?
Me: Sure.
Later…
Client: Can you also send it to Marty’s email?
Me: Alright.
Shortly…
Client: One more - can you send it to Tim’s email?
Me: Sure, but why all the different people?
Client: The building’s internet is down, and we’re trying to figure out if any of our email is working.
Santa Claus has the perfect cover. His mythos states clearly exactly where he lives, what he does, and how he behaves. But the real kicker is that he “isn’t real.” Imagine all the sick shit you’d get away with if no one believed you existed! You’d run around doing crime like a regular Crime Guy! Because the only thing stopping you from tearing people apart limb from limb is a little thing called “laws.”
Santa doesn’t have time for laws! He wipes his ass with the Ten Commandments! And those things are written in stone, so Santa and his butt must be a couple of tough dudes! Santa Claus could run up to you and poke your eyeballs straight out of your head all Three Stooges But For Real style, then kick your nads off and steal your wallet, and when you told the cops they’d be all like “Aaaactually, Santa Claus as we know him was invented by the Coca Cola Corporation in-” and they you’d probably die from missing all of your balls!
So if you ever want to be a crime guy, there’s yer huckleberry: just be an immortal, present giving goody two shoes that no one actually believes is real. That’s my tip to you.
T
Ahaha, nice try asshole. Weird how you’re so adamant that racist speech seems to have no impact, but seem all upset about being (rightfully) called racist. Also, what’s not weird, is that a racist would be so fucking stupid as to make this idiotic argument. Hey, go fuck yourself, you fucking shithead, you’re stupid as hell!
HpeckerWe're #2! We're #2!
Hey Shark Week, sharks are cool, but they’re not even close to being the deadliest animal.
“YOUR GAY” they shouted. “DUDE YOUR GAY!!!” i ignored them. it wasnt until i got home that i realized my gay had escaped. they tried to tell me.
You’re*
