Duane

THESE PEOPLE ARE THE WEIRDEST

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Don't let him read any motivational books or we can't kill him.

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KANSAS CITY, MO—Even as her dining companions at Tanner’s Grill remarked on how tasty everything looked, sources said Wednesday that vegetarian Eve McCormick once more began her sad, private routine of scanning the menu for the little green V’s indicating dishes she could eat. “Here we go again,” McCormick said, commencing the depressing ritual in which she skims the columns of appetizers and entrées for the letter signifying that a food item was ethically permissible for her to order. “Nope, no green V’s yet, not even for the vegetable soup, which I’m sure uses a beef broth. Now I’ll flip the menu over in search of a separate vegetarian section—there isn’t one, of course, so I’ll just return to the front and see if I missed some fine print that tells me meat-based dishes may be made vegetarian upon request.” At ...

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And everything worked out for everyone who wasn't dead. The End.

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Last week to grab BAHFest East tickets! We're sold out of student tickets, but there are other options available!

WASHINGTON—After ordering the first U.S. military attack against the regime of Syrian leader Bashar al-Assad, President Donald Trump held a press conference Friday to express his full confidence that the airstrike had completely wiped out the lingering Russian scandal. “Based on intelligence we have received over the past several hours, the attack on the al-Shayrat air base in Homs has successfully eliminated all discussions and allegations about my administration’s ties to the Russian government,” said Trump, adding that at approximately 4:40 a.m. local time, 59 Tomahawk cruise missiles fired from U.S. naval ships obliterated all traces of the widespread controversy in news outlets across the media. “Ordering this strike was not a decision I took lightly, but given that it was the only way to decisively eradicate any attention being paid to congressional investigations into possible collusion between key members of my staff and ...

ALDINE, TX—Raving about the establishment’s French fries and nachos, 7-year-old Joshua Behr told reporters Friday that Gordo’s—his father’s favorite local bar—was his favorite restaurant. “They have the best food in the world, and I always say I want to go there whenever Dad takes us out to eat,” Behr said of the pub his father enjoys for its beer-and-a-shot specials and the multiple large TVs showing several different sporting events at once. “They have pinball too, and you can even get free popcorn from a machine with a scooper. I definitely want to have my birthday there this year.” Behr went on to say that he especially loved being taken to Gordo’s on “Chicken Tender Tuesdays,” unaware it was also the night Heather tends bar.

WASHINGTON—Telling Americans this was the kind of leadership and accountability they could expect from the GOP, congressional Republicans held a press conference Monday to celebrate making good on their 2009 promise to block the president’s healthcare bill. “Eight years ago, our party made a solemn pledge to do everything in our power to ensure that a healthcare bill put forth by the president of the United States did not become law, and through our actions last week, that is exactly what we have done,” said Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy, who declared that Republican leaders had never forgotten the vow they made almost a decade ago and noted that, when presented earlier this month with a comprehensive healthcare reform plan championed by the White House, they quickly stopped it in its tracks and refused to relent until it was dead. “True to our word, we successfully prevented the executive ...

Paris (AFP) March 23, 2017
After three days of delays caused by worker strikes in French Guiana, rocket firm Arianespace opted Thursday to postpone indefinitely the launch of satellites for South Korean and Brazilian clients. At first scheduled for Tuesday, then the two following days, launch operators finally gave up and announced Thursday that the Ariane 5 rocket will remain grounded until further notice. The la

Paris (AFP) March 21, 2017
The planned launch Tuesday of a European Ariane 5 rocket to place two communications satellites into orbit has been delayed due to striking workers in French Guiana, the French launch company Arianespace said. The transfer of the rocket to its launch pad had already been postponed on Monday after striking workers erected a barricade of tyres and wooden pallets at the Kourou Space Center in F

You have a mouth with a bunch of tissue in it and manipulate your tongue, lips, throat, and other pieces so that somehow words come out. A lot of variables figure in, which can make the whole process of talking a complex process. Neil Thapen makes it more understandable with a fun simulator he calls Pink Trombone. Turn your sound on, and click and drag any of the words to see how voice changes when you modulate parts of the mouth.

Tags: simulation, talking

WASHINGTON—As a growing number of interest groups, politicians, and media outlets continue to voice criticism of the proposed American Health Care Act, a report published Tuesday by the Pew Research Center found it was totally unclear if opposition to the bill from every last sector of American society would have any effect on whether or not it passes. “Although the AHCA has been condemned from persons all along the political spectrum, not to mention literally everyone else with an informed opinion, it’s still uncertain if any of that will have any bearing on whether the bill is signed into law,” read the report in part, adding that there was no way to tell whether widespread resistance to the bill from healthcare providers, Democrats, and both moderate and conservative Republicans would diminish in the slightest its ability to secure a majority of votes in Congress. “So far, the bill ...

LOVELAND, CO—In an assignment meant to simulate the responsibilities of parenthood, pairs of juniors at Larimer County High School were each given an egg Monday and instructed to post nonstop photos of it to social media, sources reported. “For one week, students will be asked to deluge their various accounts with as many egg photos as possible, incorporating both candid and staged shots as well as emoji-filled captions about how happy the egg makes them,” said health teacher Beth Riddle, adding that top grades would be awarded to pairs who posted at least once per hour and made ample use of hashtags like #ParentLife and #NumberOneEggDad. “The goal is to instill in these kids the idea that being a parent is no walk in the park—you can’t just take one picture and repost it to different accounts. I expect to see the egg in a variety of ...

PALM BEACH, FL—Having struggled to haul more than 30 pounds of highly classified documents for 18 holes, Mar-a-Lago caddy Simon Bauers reportedly injured his shoulder Sunday while carrying a set of President Donald Trump’s national security briefings around the resort’s golf course. “I definitely felt a sudden twinge of pain while walking to the 12th hole with all of President Trump’s intelligence briefings slung over my right shoulder,” said Bauers, adding that he was forced to lift the large, unwieldy assortment of CIA and FBI briefings with his left arm for the remainder of the day. “Hopefully it isn’t anything serious, but by the end of the day, I could barely pick up a few binders of intel on North Korea’s ballistic missile capabilities, let alone all the dossiers on ISIS. I might have to go see a doctor tomorrow if the pain doesn ...

My Wife's Shampoo vs Mine

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WASHINGTON—Telling reporters they were working hard to provide important national security updates to the new commander-in-chief in a manner he found most useful and actionable, intelligence officials confirmed Monday they have been struggling to condense President Donald Trump’s briefings down to a single word. “The president prefers his briefs to be concise and straightforward, preferably no longer than two or three syllables, so we’re now focusing on compressing each day’s classified intel and any intercepted geopolitical chatter down to the sole most salient word,” said Deputy National Security Advisor K.T. McFarland, adding that a team of staffers had been tasked with stripping each briefing of the overly technical or complex details that President Trump disliked, such as arcane insider terminology, multiple bullet points, and any compound or hyphenated words. “The president tends to grow frustrated if crucial intelligence is not delivered within the first seven ...

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Brain would like you to read comics for a while so Brain can take a break.

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AMES, IA—Saying the findings were consistent across all demographic groups, a study published Monday by researchers at Iowa State University found that the vast majority of humans are happiest when the rest of their family is still asleep. “Nearly 90 percent of people experience their greatest feelings of delight and contentment on occasions when they wake up early and get to spend time alone in their quiet house while their spouse and children are still in bed,” said study co-author Bethany Zane, adding that 67 percent of respondents said unexpected moments of alone time during weekdays before work made them instantly more cheerful, while 78 percent said there was no greater joy than having the house to themselves for an hour or so on a Sunday morning. “Of those who linked their good spirits to being awake while their loved ones slept, roughly half said their happiness chiefly derived ...

WASHINGTON—Saying he had solemnly sworn to never breathe a word concerning such affairs, Eric Trump scolded his father Friday that he mustn’t inquire about the businesses. “No, Papa, speaking of the shops is simply forbidden!” said the 33-year-old, telling his father that such gossiping about the company was most improper, and what’s more, that it simply would not do to betray the points of honor by discussing pecuniary goings-on. “Need I remind you that we have taken the most sacred of oaths upon this very matter? Why, what would dear grandpapa Frederick think if we were to violate them? So you see, dear father, I musn’t and I shan’t! Indeed, I will stop up my ears with wax before I entertain another syllable of this inquiry.” At press time, Trump had fled the room in distress, saying he must leave forthwith lest he hear one ...

Piled Higher & Deeper by Jorge Cham		www.phdcomics.com
title: "The new busy" - originally published 2/1/2017 For the latest news in PHD Comics, CLICK HERE!