24 May 21:06
by The Onion on Politics, shared by The Onion to The Onion

WASHINGTON—Issuing a series of threats and warnings to gain the East Asian government’s cooperation, an angry Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump reportedly shouted “You better give our dad a good trade deal or you’ll be sorry!” while on the phone Thursday with an employee of a local Chinese food restaurant. “If you don’t…
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24 May 10:43
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The Onion

TAMPA BAY, FL—Watching with puzzled concern as his team ran onto the field and began shoving the opposing players, Boston Red Sox physician Adam Foster told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear if he should join a bench-clearing brawl with the Tampa Bay Rays. “I’m always happy to help the team, but I’m not sure if…
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23 May 14:17
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to The Onion

NEW YORK—In an effort to cut operating costs while still offering consumers the option to make cinema more accessible, cash-strapped ticketing service MoviePass announced Wednesday they would limit new subscribers to a single movie filmed in their CEO’s backyard per month. “We are proud to announce our new pricing…
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23 May 12:42
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Onion

BILLINGS, MO—Finding himself increasingly uncertain as to the purpose of his substantial cache of military-grade firearms, Billings resident Greg Carnes admitted Tuesday that he was unable to remember whether the 20 rifles he’d stockpiled were meant to aid in armed rebellion against the government or prevent the same.…
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22 May 12:32
by ResistanceHole on ResistanceHole, shared by OnionNews to The Onion

For those holding out hope that the infamous pee tape will eventually surface and expose President Trump for the depraved monster he truly is, sadly it’s now looking like, if anything, the video will only make him more popular than ever: According to new intel from sources close to Special Counsel Robert Mueller, the…
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18 May 13:41
by Scandinavia and the World
17 May 18:28
by OnionNews on Local, shared by OnionNews to The Onion

GRAND ISLAND, NE—In an effort to ensure their visitor was completely comfortable and conversant with all entertainment amenities, houseguest Brian Heatley was thoroughly briefed Thursday on the TV remote’s “Input 1” and “Input 2” modes and their corresponding effects on the family entertainment system. “Okay, one is…
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16 May 17:03
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Onion
15 May 14:43
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to The Onion

MIDDLETOWN, NJ—Rattling off reason after reason why his hometown sucked, rock icon Jon Bon Jovi sheepishly told reporters Tuesday that he’s been feeling jealous of a former classmate lately who had managed to make it out of New Jersey. “Michael McCleary, man, that guy bought a one-way ticket out of this shithole and…
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15 May 08:45
by The Onion on Politics, shared by The Onion to The Onion

WASHINGTON—Stammering as they struggled to form an opinion about the surprising revelation, the nation’s liberals admitted Thursday they were not sure what to think after hearing U.S. Special Counsel Robert Mueller had waterboarded every suspect in his investigation into the Trump campaign. “I’ve stood firmly in…
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15 May 08:44
by The Onion on Politics, shared by The Onion to The Onion
14 May 17:55
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Onion

SAN FRANCISCO—Admitting he didn’t think he’d be utilizing intimidation tactics from his childhood this far down the line, 38-year-old Gene Booker confirmed Monday that he was surprised by how often he still uses the bullying skills he learned in high school. “I always thought destroying other people’s confidence and…
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