Matt.weiland

CBS

We brought you the alleged sultry texts from 60 Minutes correspondent Steve Kroft back earlier in the month. Kroft admitted to having an affair with Lisan Goines, a Manhattan lawyer, and the two had been reportedly sending sexts to each other for the duration of their relationship.

Some of the conversations leaked out earlier, including the one where Kroft said that he’d “rather be eating your pudding,” but The New York Post has obtained more of the journalists’ dirty talk with his mistress:

“Wanting to taste you again,” Goines began.

“Same here,” Kroft answered.

“Stem to stern And all the delicious spots Inbeteren [sic].”

Goines waited until the next morning to answer that one: “Gonna explode if I can’t have you soon…”

“Very hard playing golf with A bulge in my pants,” Kroft texted Goines of the resulting handicap.

“I’d like to see just how hard it is,” Goines parried.

Not sure what to make of that, but it would be odd to see a fully poised Steve Kroft taking swings on the fairway. He also took the time to tell her about the dress in Washington, DC, telling her to dress like “Laura Bush” when they were together and not like “Beyonce.” This is due to his alleged fear of “right wing zealots” finding out and destroying him in public. It doesn’t end there, of course:

“I’m in my room at the same Washington hotel where I remember having you for a four hour full course Meal plus desert,” he messaged her.

“Mmmm…u whet my appetite,” Goines answered, prompting the response, “I hope that’s not all I’m wetting.”

The newsman was an eager audience for Goines’ selfies.

“Jesus” was his gobsmacked response to a nude shot she sent in November 2013.

“Maybe I should have said ‘Sweet Jesus,’ ” he amended. (via)

You know if this wasn’t some affair and Kroft didn’t have a spouse in the line of fire, I’d say good for him. Some guys should be so lucky that they can keep lubricated so far into their twilight years. He cheated, though, so that sours the whole deal.

(Via New York Post)

Fox News

This year is the 20th anniversary of the release of the seminal ’90s film Clueless. In that time, the careers of the cast members has ranged from wildly successful (Paul Rudd) to steadily working with various degrees of success (Breckin Meyer, Jeremy Sisto, Donald Faison), but the three female leads have experienced wholly different journeys — Brittany Murphy of course passed away in 2009, Alicia Silverstone is a vegan-lifestyle writer who sometimes feeds her child chewed food from her own mouth like a baby bird, and Stacey Dash is a conservative Fox News correspondent who sometimes says things like this when asked about the decision from national sorority organizations that their members avoid fraternity parties:

“[I think it’s] ridiculous. And I think it’s a good thing, for the good girls, to be told stay home, be safe.”

Dash then continued, “The other bad girls – bad women – are the ones who like to be naughty, might go out and play and get hurt and then, you know… But the other thing about this is that it then blames the alcohol instead of the person who over-drinks. So it’s like, the same thing with guns. Guns don’t kill people. People kill people. Alcohol doesn’t get you drunk. You get yourself drunk.”

Dash has addressed rape before when she suggested that Kanye West needed to visit Riker’s to get some firsthand knowledge of the subject after he compared paparazzi to rape.

“For Kanye to say rape, maybe he needs to spend some time on Rikers Island, you know, go to Rikers for a little while and then he’ll know what rape is. I don’t get celebrities not understanding that the paparazzi are doing their job.”

Paparazzi, Mitt Romney and “good girls” (i.e., not rape victims) — recipients of the Dash seal of approval.

(Source: MediaMatters via Gossip Cop)

REACT, the YouTube channel that films people doing things in order to get their reaction, decided to have elders play Grand Theft Auto V for a half hour, with no information on how to play the game beyond basic controls. The GTA series gets lots of negative press for basically everything that earns it an M rating (so really if parents actually asked around about video game ratings, we’d avoid a lot of these sorts of stories*.) But the retiree set doesn’t really play a lot of console games in the first place, so some of the loudest critics have no real basis for complaint.

That’s what makes this video really interesting. Going in, most of the grandparents here had definitely heard about Grand Theft Auto and were uncomfortable about the idea of “teaching the kids how to steal a car.” At first, they do things you’d expect from responsible senior citizens, like briefly pausing at stop signs and driving up on to sidewalks at red lights. It doesn’t take very long for them to realize that Rockstar isn’t literally showing your children how to hotwire a Chevy, and being able to drive any way you want is pretty fun.

There’s also a lot of admiration for the quality of the graphics in the game. The controller vibrates, the faux-Santa Monica Pier actually looks like the real Santa Monica Pier, you can pick up gun stashes, play side games of tennis, and have police shootouts. All of which they laugh about. A lot.

If you’re not going to watch the whole thing, at least skip ahead to Catherine’s comments at the 6:50 mark, where she waxes poetic about crime in “the old days.”

*In the interest of full disclosure, if you’re reading this, and you’re a parent, and you’re not familiar with how a game gets an “M” rating, here it is: “Grand Theft Auto V: Blood and Gore, Intense Violence, Mature Humor, Nudity, Strong Language, Strong Sexual Content, Use of Drugs and Alcohol.” The ESRB should be bookmarked on your smart phone for the next time you and your children are in Game Stop and you’re unsure about what exactly the content is of the game they’re asking you to buy.

Starbucks barista and redditor Carpe_Natem was recently given an inspirational boost during their shift after discovering one customer’s geeky coffee cup that had an extremely detailed map of Middle-earth drawn on it. Middle-earth is the fictional setting found in most of J.R.R. Tolkien‘s fantasy novels and the films based on them–The Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit. More photos of the unknown artist’s coffee cup are available to view on Imgur.

photos via Carpe_Natem

via reddit

USA Films

Netflix’s is bringing back the cult classic Wet Hot American Summer as a limited series and has already secured most of the original gang — Elizabeth Banks, H. Jon Benjamin, Michael Ian Black, Bradley Cooper, Judah Friedlander, Janeane Garofalo, Nina Hellman, Ken Marino, Zak Orth, David Hyde Pierce, Joe LoTruglio, Christopher Meloni, A.D. Miles, Marguerite Moreau, Amy Poehler, Paul Rudd, Marisa Ryan, Molly Shannon, Michael Showalter, Kevin Sussman, and David Wain — to appear. This, to be clear, is good news.

And now the news has gotten even better, as the show will feature a pretty impressive roster of additional cast members, too. According to Deadline, the list includes Josh Charles; Roger Sterling himself, John Slattery; SNL alum Michaela Watkins; Randall Park, who played Kim Jong-un in The Interview; Jayma Mays; Lake Bell; Paul Scheer; Rob Huebel; and Richard Schiff.

More. I must know more.

Watkins will play a tough New Yorker, Charles is a guy from a rival camp, Huebel’s a rival professor to Pierce, Schiff is Pierce’s academic superior, Park’s a librarian in love with Shannon, Scheer is a journalist, and Wain is an acquaintance of one of the main characters from an Israeli kibbutz. Netflix declined comment.

Yup, this works. This all works just fine.

amc

Who says you need a cock to crow? Here's a mashup we did using the instantly notorious ass-eating scene from the Season 4 premiere of Girls and audio from Allison Williams's embarrassing turn in Peter Pan Live .

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Poor ol' George Zimmerman. According to attorney Don West, the killer of Trayvon Martin just can't catch a break. This weekend, West told reporters that his client "hasn't been very lucky with the ladies" after Zimmerman was arrested for domestic violence (again ) on Friday.

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Bill Cosby finally acknowledged the allegations piling up against him during his second night of stand-up in Canada by warning a female audience member to be careful drinking around him, according to reports.

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Sexting! It’s not just for the youngs anymore. Case in point: the National Enquirer reports today that 69 year-old 60 Minutes correspondent Steve Kroft has been having a torrid, three-year, Viagra-fueled affair with a much younger African-American woman, and over the course of their relationship, Kroft allegedly did some sexting. Among the highlights provided to the Enquirer by an unnamed source…

“Miss you and all that goes with it. Especially my favorite tastes and colors … pink and brown.”

“Working late. Just ordered out. Would rather be eating your pudding.”

Steve Kroft’s pudding in my favorite food-based sexual reference by a white TV news man since Bill O’Reilly’s falafel.

Anyway, the Enquirer report also alleges that Kroft, like a true OG, is an ass-eater. In particular, the report says he enjoyed “pouring champagne in (his mistress’s) behind and drinking the bubbly.”

For his part, Kroft issued a statement today to the New York Post confirming the affair…

I had an extramarital affair that was a serious lapse of personal judgment and extremely hurtful to my wife and family, and for that I have nothing but regret. My wife and I are committed to each other and are working hard to get past this, and consider it a private matter.

You may recall that it was Kroft who famously grilled Bill Clinton about his extramarital activities in a 1992 interview. The irony kills. Here’s the aforementioned Clinton interview, in the event you’re feeling nostalgic…

(National Enquirer via Page Six)

San Jose, California-based Jeff Gliever has recently captured footage of an excited dog watching Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy. When the furry character Rocket Raccoon appears on screen, the dog begins to repeatedly jump for joy.

via reddit, Daily Picks and Flicks

If President Obama fills out a college football playoff bracket, he will usher us into a paradise. Paradise is its own Hell.

Henry watches television from the only occupied stool of a dim, dusty bar. It's an old heavy cathode-ray TV. A digital converter box hangs from audio/video cables, from the back of the TV to a hole punched through a ceiling tile, draping like a holiday ornament.

Henry. Any games on?
Bartender. It's only seven. Could check and see.

The bartender leans and holds the remote around the corner with an outstretched arm; after a few labored presses, the "last" button flips the receiver box to ESPN.

Henry.Oh, what's this? This the, uh ...
Bartender. Yeah it's uh, Obama's fillin' out his tournament bracket.
Henry. See ..

Henry leans back just a little. The winter sun peels out of the clouds, just as it's set to dip into the trees.

Henry. And look, I don't wanna be politically incorrect or whatever. And no offense.
Bartender. Yeah, yeah, no, yeah.
Henry. But it's like. Doesn't Obama have anything better to do than fill out a college bracket? I mean, he's the President.
Bartender. Hey, I hear you.
Henry. Last I checked, he had a country to run. Last I heard, there were real problems that needed fixing. Like the um. You know, Middle East is goin' to Hell in a handbasket.
Bartender. I heard about that.
Henry. Yeah, and the money problems. All of the money debt.
Bartender. Oh yeah. Ohhh yeah. My brother-in-law? He works for the government. The things he says about the money problems and all of the money debt ... he told me on Thanksgiving, he said, "you better be ready. There are gonna be money problems with the debt."
Henry. But I guess that's gonna have to wait, huh? The President has to fill out his bracket.

The President. Well. I've had the opportunity to watch Marcus Mariota a few games this season, and you know, I'm going to go with my gut here. Let's put the Ducks over Florida State. And who have we got next?
Host. Over here, we've got Alabama versus Ohio State.
The President. [chuckles] Well, they've really put me in a spot! But you know ... Ohio's a battleground state.
Host. Ahhh! A little political gamesmanship here, Mr. President?
The President. Hey ... you know-- and, and hey, I'm a politician at heart.
Host. Now here's the big question. Oregon or Ohio State?
The President. I just don't think the Buckeyes can match the pace of that Oregon team. Let's put the Ducks in the next round. Who's up next?
Host. That's it, Mr. President.
The President. Hm?
Henry. Hm?
Host. This is only a four-team bracket, since it's football.
The President. Huh.

The President turns to the camera.

Henry squints back at him.

Henry. Huh.

The President. Well, I set aside an hour for this. I thought there were going to be 68 teams.
Host. No, sir. We're all done.
The President. Charlie, what time is it?
Aide. It's, ah ... It's 7:02. This was supposed to run until eight.
The President. Well. Hey. I've almost an hour free. Anything that needs doing?
Aide. Not really.
The President. Oh! I could get started on Game of Thrones. Is that show any good?
Aide. No.
The President. Hmm.
Henry. You guys gonna be open for Christmas?
Bartender. Oh, I imagine. Short day, though, maybe eight to midnight.
The President. Can someone get me some paper? Might as well get some work out of the way.
Aide. Need a pen?
The President. Got one.
Henry. Might stop by. Home stuff is a little ... you know.
Bartender. Mhmm.

Credits

Music:
"New Grass" from Talk Talk's 1991 album, "Laughing Stock"
Source videos for time-lapse animations:
Balmedie Beach - time lapse video
Time Lapse View from Space, Fly Over
District Nights

The moment we've all been waiting for has finally arrived: ITV has released the Downton Abbey charity Christmas thing with George Clooney in it, and also Jeremy Piven!

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By Jared Jones

Fondle your sweaters and smear some mud on your ass, because a Wet Hot American Summer series is coming to Netflix! HYEAH!!!

While rumors of a potential Wet Hot American Summer prequel film have been floating around for ages (and were actually confirmed by director David Wain back in June), it appears that the cult hit will instead be stretched into a miniseries set to begin production in January, according to E! News. There have been no details as to whether or not the original cast will be returning, but an unnamed source told Screen Junkies in an exclusive interview that we should all “Shut the f*ck up and eat our corn.”

I’m sorry, not a day goes by where I don’t quote Gene. But with the (unofficial) announcement of a Wet Hot American Summer series coming less than a month after it was revealed that Starz would move forward with an Evil Dead TV show, it’s become clear that yesterday’s cult films are becoming today’s television shows. That being the case, I’ve chosen a few more cult masterpieces that Netflix should consider reviving on the small screen.

The Room

Now this might be considered cheating a bit, as Tommy Wiseau already premiered the pilot of his own sitcom, Neighbors, back in July. But anyone who knows anything knows that the story of the *original* Johnny Football is where Wiseau’s novelty begins and ends. The Room is Wiseau’s opus, his endlessly quotable crowning achievement, and as long as it avoided winking at its own success, a revival of The Room as a series could make for some brilliantly surreal television.

“But Jared, Johnny dies at the end of the movie, you dum-dum.”

Right, except MAYBE HE DIDN’T. Maybe Johnny survived his suicide attempt but is now missing the parts of his brain that allow him to emote or even react correctly to everyday human interactions. Not only does this twist allow the ongoing trials and tribulations of Johnny America to continue indefinitely, but it solves the riddle that is Tommy Wiseau’s acting “technique.” Where once was an alienlike, borderline incomprehensible leading man now stands a sympathetic character trying to piece his life back together after nearly losing everything.

If Netflix isn’t interested, I’m sure Adult Swim will snatch it up.

This Is Spinal Tap 

Parody music experienced a revival of its own this year. Weird Al Yankovic released the only #1 album of his career, Lonely Island locked in a television *and* movie deal, and Taylor Swift continued to delude the masses into thinking she was a talented, interesting person. Whether you’re on board or not, American culture is devolving into little more than an oversized glasses-wearing, nostalgia-grasping “meta” hipster with a crippling addiction to irony.

That being the case, there has never been a better time for the parody band that started them all, Spinal Tap, to grace the stage once again. Michael McKean, Christopher Guest, and Harry Shearer might all be pushing 70, but the album they released in 2009 — Back From the Dead, which reached No. 52 on the American Billboard charts – and successive “One Night Only World Tour” proved that they still have it in them to tear the roof down.

Not to mention, the premise of a potential Spinal Tap TV series practically writes itself. Have it focus on the aging group of former legends as they struggle to deal with the ever-changing music scene, being “passed over” by the public, and of course, the dementia resulting from years of hard drug abuse. Shoot the whole thing found-footage style, and make sure to include a Depends joke or two. Bing. Bang. Theory.

Office Space

With all the mundane workplace comedies being pushed upon us each pilot season, isn’t it about time that one of them was actually good?

To be clear, I’m not proposing that Netflix should revive Office Space as a sitcom, because that would make it almost impossible to interject as many Geto Boys-backed montages as possible. What I am suggesting, however, is that Netflix goes the “Better Call Saul“ route with Office Space, bringing us a series that takes place before the events of the film. Basically, the series would just be 30 minutes of Peter Gibbons and Lawrence discussing/yelling through a wall about basic cable porn and kung fu every week, but tell me you wouldn’t watch that shit.

Galaxy Quest

Like I said, ‘Murica loves it some meta these days, and what’s more meta than a show about a movie that was itself about a show? And better yet, you shoot the Netflix series in the style of Galaxy Quest, the fake space-drama series from the movie! It’s Questception!

Tremors

Be honest, you knew I was going to find a way to talk about this movie, right?

The fact is, Tremors is one of the greatest, nay, THE GREATEST artistic achievement of all time — a flawless (FLAWLESS!) masterpiece that both paid tribute to the classic monster movies which inspired it and (quite literally) broke new ground in the genre. The demise of Old Fred? A prime Reba Mcentire? THE WALL OF GUNS? God, I’m getting a halfy just thinking about two of the three things I just listed.

“But Jared, they already tried a Tremors show back in 2003 and it sucked.”

GOD, you just have to ruin everything with your “facts,” don’t you? Sure, Tremors: The Series was a goddamn disaster, but that’s because it only included one piece of the puzzle. Burt Gummer may be a great character, but enough to carry the entire series on his own? Clearly not.

Just as you cannot enjoy Kiviak without first hollowing out the body of a seal and stuffing it with 500 or so Auks, you cannot adapt a Tremors series without one of two key ingredients (or preferably both). I’m talking about two guys with the know-how, the show-how, and the bro-how to battle mankind’s oldest foe: The Graboid. I’m talking about Val & Earl.

With the announcement that a fifth Tremors movie had already begun filming in South Africa last month, it’s pretty clear that a graboid renaissance is nearly upon us. So pull Kevin Bacon off that nonsense serial killer show for a minute, pull Fred Ward and Michael Gross off their couches, and let’s do this thing.

And you know what? I say bring Grady Hoover back into the mix for good measure. The man single-handedly raised Tremors 2 up to it 5.9 IMDB rating, in my opinion. And if you disagree with my opinion, then I only got one thing to say.

The post Five Cult Movies That Should Receive the Netflix Series Treatment, ala ‘Wet Hot American Summer’ appeared first on Screen Junkies.

“Is it weird for me to sign my boyfriend’s private parts?”

During a recent episode of Steve Harvey’s talk show, a woman told an unusual story about how she kept her boyfriend from cheating on her. You see, before he left the house, Jeanne would autograph his penis and take a picture of it. When he came home after a night out with his friends, she would pull down his pants and match up the picture from hours earlier.

/pause, cue Steve Harvey reaction collage

Steve Harvey Show

Clinical psychologist John Duffy, who joined Harvey on the show. added: “I’ve been a clinician for 20 years … I don’t think I’ve ever heard of anything like this so I guess you get points for originality.”

Yeah, let’s applaud this woman for being unique. Sure. Nevermind the fact her boyfriend is running around with permanent marker on his schlong.

Actual exchange that took place during the segment (full video above):

Tiffany Davis Henry: “There are ways around this. We can get a condom that’s not lubricated, put it on and it would never wipe off.”
Steve Harvey: “Vaseline.”
John Duffy: “Forgery.”

And now you know how to get away with ink on your penis. You’re welcome, adulterers.

(h/t: Brett Smiley)

Sony

Sony has just not had a good month. After getting hacked by somebody (who is totally not North Korea you guys), pretty much all the studio’s internal secrets and spitballing ideas have tumbled out onto the Internet. And one of those ideas would apparently cross the studio’s two biggest comedy franchises.

According to the Wall Street Journal, the idea is more 23 Jump Street than Men In Black 4. Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones would essentially have cameos, if present at all, and it would be about C-Tates and Jonah Hill fighting aliens. It seems that Sony, after Men In Black 3 had a disappointing outing, wants to revive the franchise using their unexpected R-rated buddy cops to introduce a few new agents and concepts.

Honestly, it sounds dumb on paper but it’s not a terrible idea. One of the running jokes of 22 Jump Street is that the franchise is a creative dead end, and the movie has a point. They can’t exactly send our heroes to grad school undercover, although the MFA is a rich source of comedy material. So bringing in the aliens wouldn’t be the worst direction to go in.

That said, this sounds more like an idea that will turn into a Men In Black reboot and become a trivia question, like Die Hard originally being a sequel to Commando. It’s just that usually we find this out after the fact. Also, man are Chris Miller and Phil Lord going to be busy at Sony; they’ve not only got this one, they’ve also got that animated Spider-Man movie on the way. Spidey first, Sony, Spidey first.

Hoping to follow in the footsteps of Hitler, Stalin, and the Ayatollah Khomeini, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has been named one of eight finalists for Time magazine's Person of the Year "honor."

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Jimmy Kimmel does a lot of funny sh*t on his show. Between his social experiments, Snoop Dogg nature documentaries, and kid Halloween candy reactions, he’s leading the way in late night viral content. But holy mother of god, have the Jimmy Kimmel Live crew outdone themselves this time by dubbing dialogue from Maury over Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

I mean, I guess it feels a kind of dirty to bastardize a beloved holiday classic with the trashiness of Maury, but only until you watch and see how flawlessly they pull it off. And seriously though, you’re gonna tell me Donner wasn’t even a little bit skeptical when that kid popped out with a red nose? B*tch please!

(Via Jimmy Kimmel Live)

A chlorine gas leak unleashed on a Chicago furry convention over the weekend left 19 hospitalized and one morning news anchor traumatized. The story gave Morning Joe's Mika Brzezinski cause to discover what a "furry" is for the first time, and she simply could not handle it.

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"In the wake of nationwide protests over the lack of an indictment for the death of Eric Garner, Walmart is editing a commercial showing a black man saying "I can't breathe" as he's hugged by his daughter."

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