Theasp

oolongs:

check out my new joy division shirt shirt

Vet | England, UK

Client: “I’m 90 years old, and when I came downstairs this morning there was a cat and five kittens in my kitchen! What should I do? I can’t look after these kittens; I’m 90!”

Me: “Have you tried asking your neighbours if anyone recognises the cat?”

Client: “Yes, yes, I tried that.”

Me: “You could try phoning the [well known animal charity]?”

Client: “I’m not doing that!”

Me: “Oh, okay. Do you mind if I ask why not?”

Client: “I phoned them once because I had a fox come through my cat flap! They refused to come out and get it, so it ended up staying for three months!”

_{-- Delivered by Feed43 service}

Reader Willard Seehorn sends in a fantastic example of both ridiculous government requests in a legal matter, as well as one of the best snarky responses to such an overreach. It starts with a Tennessee state Assistant District Attorney General who, in the midst of a case, asked the court to order the defense counsel to refrain from referring to the prosecution as "the government." You can understand why certainly, seeing as how in the present consciousness, the Americans on the jury might associate "the government" with "the government that is doing all that crap they hate on an ongoing basis." The ADAG made this case explicitly, stating that use of the term was inherently derogatory coming from the defense council, Drew Justice. Well, Justice replied to the court in the most wonderful way imaginable.

Justice noted in his response that the court had no authority to ban the term's use in the courtroom and that doing so would be a first amendment violation. However, should the court disagree, he had some requests:

First, the Defendant no longer wants to be called "the Defendant." This rather archaic term of art obviously has a fairly negative connotation.... At trial, Mr. P. hereby demands to be addressed only by his full name, preceded by the title "Mister." Alternatively, he may be called simply "the Citizen Accused." This latter title sounds more respectable than the criminal "Defendant." The designation "That innocent man" would also be acceptable.

Moreover, defense counsel does not wish to be referred to as a "lawyer," or a "defense attorney." Those terms are substantially more prejudicial than probative. See Tenn. R. Evid. 403. Rather, counsel for the Citizen Accused should be referred to primarily as the "Defender of the Innocent." This title seems particularly appropriate, because every Citizen Accused is presumed innocent. Alternatively, counsel would also accept the designation "Guardian of the Realm." Further, the Citizen Accused humbly requests an appropriate military title for his own representative, to match that of the opposing counsel. Whenever addressed by name, the name "Captain Justice" will be appropriate.

It appears the snark is strong with Captain Justice. Perhaps some will say that such an obviously sarcastic and ridiculous response is unbecoming of an officer of the court. To hell with those people. How else is a sane person supposed to respond to an equally ridiculous request from the prosecutor? Not wanting to be referred to as "the government" when you are "the government" is silly. Captain Justice's sign off sums the request up nicely.

WHEREFORE, Captain Justice, Guardian of the Realm and Leader of the Resistance, primarily asks that the Court deny the State’s motion, as lacking legal basis. Alternatively, the Citizen Accused moves for an order in limine modifying the speech code as aforementioned, and requiring any other euphemisms and feel-good terms as the Court finds appropriate.

Hopefully the court will act sanely and not try to muzzle an attorney over such a specious claim. On the other hand, reading about the ongoing adventures of Captain Justice would be rather entertaining.

Permalink | Comments | Email This Story

Door to Hell is an aptly named natural gas field in the Karakum Desert of Darweze, Turkmenistan that has been burning for over forty years. The flaming crater was originally a level surface identified by Soviet scientists in 1971 as an area rich in gas resources. Unfortunately, the ground collapsed under the weight and pressure of the drilling rigs set up at the site. Thus, environmentally hazardous methane gases were released from the massive depression, forcing scientists to take quick action and burn out the gases. What they didn't expect was for the fire to last over four decades.

Considering the large size of the crater, containing the gaseous outbreak would be very expensive, which is why the scientists opted for an easier, more cost-effective, and what they presumed would be a quicker solution. The gas firing, a common practice for extreme circumstances like this 42-year-old incident, set the enormous basin ablaze and was expected to last only a few days. Instead, it continues to burn bright to this day. Now, it is a tourist hotspot (no pun intended), drawing visitors from all around the world to the inferno pit.

Top photo via reddit

kirvis

kirvis

Martha de Jong-Lantink

Martha de Jong-Lantink

kirvis

Martha de Jong-Lantink

kirvis

kirvis

kirvis

 
via [reddit]

It's time for another round of The Food Lab. Got a suggestion for an upcoming topic? Email Kenji here, and he'll do his best to answer your queries in a future post. Become a fan of The Food Lab on Facebook or follow it on Twitter for play-by-plays on future kitchen tests and recipe experiments.

[Photographs: J. Kenji Lopez-Alt, unless otherwise noted]

It's cliché to talk about how much people hate brussels sprouts ("the much maligned brassica!" or "those baby cabbages that everyone hates!"), and these days it's not particularly accurate, considering that they (and their cousin kale) have been the hot vegetable of the moment for the last several years. Our brussels sprouts recipes continue to be among our most popular, and they're all over menus everywhere.

I blame it all on the fact that people have finally started learning how to cook 'em properly. They don't need to be the sulfurous, mushy, repulsive cabbages that you might have grown up eating. Charred, sweet, and nutty, when cooked properly, brussels sprouts are the star of the Thanksgiving spread. Here are my three favorite ways to get 'em there.

Method 1: Roast 'em Hot

The goal here—and with most brussels sprouts recipes, in fact—is to cook them fast, and cook them hard so they char and caramelize, their leaves turning crispy, brown, and nutty, and their natural sugars breaking down into sweeter simple sugars. Not only does this add sweetness and bring out their characteristic nuttiness, it also suppresses their less desirable sulfurous compounds.

This means you want to use the highest heat possible when cooking your sprouts. This can be accomplished easily in a skillet, but if you want to free up some stove-top space this Thanksgiving, you can just as easily do it in a pan in the oven. The key is to preheat the pan in the oven before you add the sprouts to it so that they begin to sizzle as soon as they land.

Check out the full post and recipe here for more details on the method!

Method 2: Deep Fry 'Em

Folks are understandably but unnecessarily afraid of deep frying at home. Understandably because deep frying involves a potful of really, really hot oil. Unnecessarily because given the proper precautions, danger can be minimized, and with the correct equipment (like a wok) it doesn't really make a mess. These are good things to keep in mind when considering deep-frying your brussels sprouts.

Another good thing to consider: deep fried brussels sprouts are awesome. Normally I'd strongly suggest or heartily endorse a recipe. In this case, however, the results are incredible enough that not only do I think you should try it, I actually insist that you do. I take full responsibility if you aren't completely blown away by how tasty the results are. When you fry them, brussels sprouts become everything you love about brussels sprouts with none of their downside. The nutty aroma. The mildly sweet flavor. The just-tender-but-still-crisp interior. Couple that with the crisply frizzled edges and tiny pockets perfect for coating in a sweet-tart sauce, and you've got the perfect recipe for a Thanksgiving flavor-bomb.

Check out the full technique and recipes here!

Method 3: Cook 'em With Pork

[Photograph: Jennifer Segal]

Hot and fast is a theme with sprouts, and the same goes for this method. The only difference here is that rather than relying on olive oil or butter, we're pairing sprouts with pork fat. Like tomatoes and mozzarella, hamburgers and ketchup, or chocolate and bare human flesh, this is one of the great culinary combinations.

When picking the appropriate pork product for your sprouts, anything fatty and cured will do, really. It's just a matter of personal taste. Slab bacon cut into large chunks that you can call lardon if you're fancy or French or both. Crispy chunks of ham. Dry-cured Spanish chorizo, which may well be my favorite. Like I said, any sort of salty cured pork product.

The key is to render out that pork first, then use that fat to cook your sprouts, whether it's in a ripping hot oven, in a skillet, or on the grill (check out the links for recipes!).

About the author: J. Kenji Lopez-Alt is the Chief Creative Officer of Serious Eats where he likes to explore the science of home cooking in his weekly column The Food Lab. You can follow him at @thefoodlab on Twitter, or at The Food Lab on Facebook.

Recipes!

• Roasted Brussels Sprouts with Bacon, Pecans and Maple-Balsamic Vinaigrette
• Fried Brussels Sprouts with Shallots, Honey, and Balsamic Vinegar
• Fried Brussels Sprouts with Shallots, and Chilies
• Grilling: Brussels Sprouts with Bacon
• Roasted Brussels Sprouts and Shallots with Balsamic Vinegar
• Seared Brussels Sprouts with Bacon Lardons

The Grilled Cheese Tray (via Rebecca)

 

Seven cheeses (Muenster, Cheddar-mozzarella, medium Cheddar, Provolone, pepper jack, Colby and Baby Swiss) along with Johnsonville Old World Recipe Summer Sausage on a ciabatta roll.

 

 

All Dressed Poutine (via David B.)

 

French fries, grilled chicken, bacon, cheese curds smothered in gravy.

 

jtotheizzoe:

zerostatereflex:

How fast are you moving when you’re sitting still?

About 800km a sec.

Written & Animated by:

Yathish Dhavala

Woosh. Feel it?

Hey, a friend of ours is doing an awesome little animation kickstarter. Give it a look!

WHARRGARBL

via karateboogaloo

 
Goggle-eyed comedian Mantan Moreland is most famous for being chauffeur “Birmingham Brown” in the Charlie Chan movies, for his supporting role as one of Lucifer Jr.’s “idea men” in Vincente Minnelli’s all-black musical Cabin in the Sky, and for playing the hapless mailman in the “sick humor” cult favorite, Spider Baby. You know how some people are just so naturally funny that the minute you see them, you’re primed for laughter? Mantan Moreland has always had that kind of effect on me.

I can’t tell you the number of times I have inflicted King of the Zombies on unsuspecting friends in the 1980s. It’s a terrible, terrible film, but his scenes are hilarious. I’ve watched it a lot. Too many times!

The Beastie Boys must’ve been Mantan Moreland fans, too, as there is a particular punch-line from one of his rude-n-crude “party records” of the 1970s sampled in a song called “B-Boys makin’ with the Freak Freak” from 1994’s Ill Communication album. The line—“Shit, if this is gonna be that kind of party, I’m gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes!”—is (inexplicably) hilarious on its own, but here’s the entire routine from Mantan Moreland’s album “That ain’t my finger!”
 

 
It starts a bit slow, but stay with it.
 

 
Below, Moreland is basically the star of King of The Zombies, but he’s not given top billing, the white actors are. My favorite scenes are when he gets hypnotized into believing that he’s a zombie and the scene where he leads the zombies into the kitchen to be fed. He says a line in the scene that begins at the 54:00 minute mark that I have used as a “catchphrase” for decades: “As I member, I has privileges.” No one ever knows what I mean when I say that, but I laugh.
 

carryonmywaywardgabriel:

Martin Freeman is an angry hobbit.

quejero:

misspaperlilies:

this is making me feel really really anxious

every mon-thurs night I am the @midnight account, so watch the show and come tweet with me. It’s on comedy central and hulu!!!!