Cowboy Who?

Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
There's actually a whole 'nother page on the other side.

Hey! Me and Kelly are working on a project, and we started a little twitter account where we post Weird Stories from Space.

Culinary Crafting
The Art of Garnishing and Decorating Food
1976

For the foodies out there here is a nice book on how to decorate your food. The illustrations aren’t much to look at, and hardly make the food look appetizing. Photographs would be a better choice, even in the 1970s. Beyond the book design, the recipes are just okay and nothing particularly impressive. The decorations range from a watermelon bowl to a piece of pineapple on top of a ham. You can even go wild and add a maraschino cherry. It’s all very underwhelming.

Mary

The post Food Craft appeared first on Awful Library Books.

1. You’ve earned that second Cinnabon.

2. Your Fitbit will never understand you like we do.

3. No one’s noticed you’ve worn us every day for the last three weeks.

4. That crossing guard just mistook you for Kate Hudson.

5. You haven’t gained an ounce this winter! Elastic waistbands are notoriously trustworthy.

6. We’re meant to double as pajamas.

7. It makes perfect sense to drop everything and drive three towns over to grab a $12 pineapple-papaya smoothie.

8. It’s not you — those jeans wouldn’t fit an American Girl doll.

9. Sure, you can wear us to a wedding, you just need a blowout and the right accessories.

10. $118 isn’t too much to spend for two 16-inch scraps of performance-enhancing lycra. You’re not buying pants; you’re investing in a lifestyle.

11. Your devotion to us is in no way similar to that two-year stint in maternity pants.

12. Of course you can run that half-marathon tomorrow after months of inactivity. Conditioning is a myth fabricated by tights-wearing physical therapists.

13. You could learn ancient Sanskrit if only you had more free time.

14. One of these days you’ll actually try yoga.

A few days before Christmas last year, shoppers who used Honey on Amazon websites started receiving a warning from the e-commerce giant, according to Wired. The popular money-saving browser extension that tracks prices and discounts was a "a security risk," it said, and even advised users to uninstall the extension "immediately." While all browser extensions could pose a risk, Honey isn't a random product developed by some unknown developer -- PayPal purchased it last year for $4 billion in what's its biggest acquisition yet.

In the warning it showed to buyers, Amazon wrote: "Honey tracks your private shopping behavior, collects data like your order history and items saved, and can read or change any of your data on any website you visit." Politico's Ryan Hutchins tweeted a screenshot of the warning and noted that that's "how all browser extensions work -- including Amazon's own extension, which provides a similar service."

Amazon is telling shoppers that the browser extension Honey — it gives you coupon codes and other ways to save — is malware.

Paypal bought Honey in November for $4 billion. That's one extensive piece of Malware. pic.twitter.com/Di6I8RAX2X

— Ryan Hutchins (@ryanhutchins) December 20, 2019

The Amazon Assistant browser also tracks prices and lets buyers compare items across retailers. And, as Wired notes, Google will also tell users that it can "read and change all your data on the websites" they visit when they install the extension on Chrome.

It's not entirely clear what Amazon saw that made it label Honey, in particular, a security risk. A spokesperson only told the publication: "Our goal is to warn customers about browser extensions that collect personal shopping data without their knowledge or consent." Honey denied that it's a security risk, telling Wired that its rules are clearly spelled out in its privacy and security policy. In its privacy rules, Honey admits that it "collects information that [users] share directly" with it. However, the company emphasizes that it "does not track [their] search engine history, emails, or [their] browsing on any site that is not a retail website" and that it will never sell their data.

Source: Wired

It's OK, he only hated Kylo Ren.

Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
Fact - the French only eat out of teacups with the French tricolor.

Tonight's comic wants to live its best life.

PS: THE ADMIRAL IS HERE.

Facebook ostensibly frowns on anti-vaccination ads, but it's apparently letting some promos slide. BuzzFeed News has learned that alternative medicine company Earthley is running Facebook and Instagram ads that point users to a whooping cough treatment guide that discusses the "vaccine controversy" -- and by that, we mean it falsely claims the vaccine for whooping cough is unsafe. Not surprisingly, the ads promote Earthley's products in the vaccine's place.

The ads appear to violate Facebook policies that ban ads with claims debunked either by outside fact checking teams or "organizations with particular expertise," including anti-vaccination content. In the case of these ads, the World Health Organization would be one of those groups. Earthley also promotes anti-vaccination myths through its public accounts and groups, although Facebook already tends to downplay this content.

However, Facebook disagrees with that interpretation. A spokesperson said the ads represented "no violation" of its policies, and the social network was still running the ads as of this writing. It didn't tell Engadget why it believed the ads were acceptable.

The presence of the ads highlights both the limitations of Facebook's ad policies (including its willingness to let politicians lie) as well as the challenges of stopping bogus claims. It doesn't take much for an ad to avoid Facebook's ban on anti-vaccination ads, even when it's clearly violating the spirit of that ban. And no matter how stringent Facebook's policies are, there may be only so much it can do. It can't possibly guess every possible anti-vaccination hashtag, as BuzzFeed observed. It's just a question of whether Facebook's approach is thorough enough to tackle problems like this.

Source: BuzzFeed News

What It’s Like to Be a Nurse
Shay
1972

This book looks familiar. I think we featured it, but I can’t find it in our archives. It is a career book that is way past its prime. The narrative follows three nursing students through their program to graduation.

As a youth career book, this isn’t going to help anyone learn about modern nursing. Uniforms and caps turned into scrubs. I didn’t see a single pair of gloves on any of the staff. Technology and other changes make this book interesting, but obsolete. Keep it in archive, not in a current collection.

Mary

The post Retro Nursing appeared first on Awful Library Books.

Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
What if global warming is a conspiracy by fish to grow their empire?

I know this is so shitty and I’m really mad at myself about it, but I have to cancel our meeting. I was so excited to get coffee at 5:30 PM today (after rescheduling from 5:30 PM last Tuesday and the Thursday before that), but I got held up at work. I was “held up” with a minor anxiety attack at the notion of deviating from my daily routine in even the slightest way.

Should we connect over the phone instead? Please say no. Please say that something came up and you wouldn’t have been able to make our meeting anyway. Please say “we can reschedule” but then not suggest a time so that theoretically the responsibility to follow up is split evenly between us — and then we can both bail on the arrangement guilt-free.

Things have just been really crazy for me lately. I will not go into detail about what “things” are or what “crazy” means or when “lately” was. Just know this: I am totally down to meet up and brainstorm our big new project when my life calms down a bit. I will also spend the next few decades making sure that my life never calms down — not a bit.

Look, it’s not that I don’t want to start a podcast where we watch every episode of King of the Hill and compare it to the wild political climate of today. It’s just that I don’t want to think or talk about that right now. Let’s look at next week. Surely next week will never become right now.

I’ve just been completely swamped with other stuff on my plate. Stuff like agonizing over having this social interaction, procrastinating work because I keep redrafting what’s supposed to be a two-sentence message bailing on you, and planning my move to Los Angeles, where surely no one is having pointless coffee meetings.

Okay, so we are making this a phone call? Jesus, now I’ve really shown my hand. I can’t believe I’ve suggested a phone call as a means of making myself less anxious. I am voluntarily scheduling a time for a device in my pocket to vibrate repeatedly, demanding my immediate attention. And then, after a whirlwind two seconds when I consider all of the worst-case scenarios of what this phone call could mean — my dad is dead, I’ve been fired, my dad is dead and for that reason I’ve been fired — I breathe a minor sigh of relief when I look at the contact and realize that my brain is about to be picked about “the industry.”

Which industry? I don’t even really know. I haven’t actually looked at your message since I first replied to it. I agreed to this after one LinkedIn message because I guess I’m pretty neutral about whether or not I get myself murdered. Sure, I’m behind on every deadline for work, I’m slowly drifting apart from all of my friends and I haven’t called my grandma in six months, but I definitely have time to ask you, a complete stranger I will never see again, what it was like to grow up in New Haven during the early 2000s. Yes, I’m sure it was a tough time for your family when Yale fell from #3 to #4 in the US News and World Report’s college rankings. I cannot begin to fathom the oppression.

So, let’s circle back, let’s reconnect, let’s touch base, let’s follow up, let’s rendezvous, let’s re-up later on, I’ll hit you up, you’ll shoot me a text, we’ll shoot each other in the face, and we’ll get coffee in hell.

Don’t Be That Girl
Stork
2008

Submitter: Remember back in 2007 when noted TV personality and (“The Doctors”) Doctor Travis Stork was at the height of his popularity? Neither do I. Either way, he managed to write almost 200 pages on what to do to not be THAT girl, in a tone that one Amazon reviewer thought had just the right touch of “nurturing” and was only “slightly arrogant.” Which is baffling to me as my colleague and I flip through the pages.

I probably wouldn’t have bought this when it came out, whether the intention was to be actually insightful or just to write something with shock value (maybe both?). Finding in the the public library stacks today, I’d consider it at best an overly dated celeb/dating book, and at worst, something a patron might’ve taken to their local representative if they found it before me.

Our staff particularly enjoyed the part about the “secret” that men really do want what they can’t have. Cringe-worthy for all sexes.

Holly: The fly leaf blurb (image below) doesn’t sound so bad, but wow, that cover is a hot mess. I guess that’s the point, but the book is already too dated to be interesting to teens, eleven years later.

The post Don’t be THAT girl appeared first on Awful Library Books.

On today’s episode of He Sure Didn’t Look 12, we talk to Edward Johnson’s final victim, Officer Gail McGuire. McGuire became Johnson’s latest victim, a trail of victims that authorities have mysteriously yet to unearth but surely exists, when she was viciously attacked on her knee by the sidewalk as a result of Edward Johnson’s premeditated assault on her visual horizon and her subsequent self-defensive body slam.

But first, a word from our sponsors. GEO Group is a full-source incarcerator that brings people together. With state-of-the-art turnkey facilities in 28 states and numerous complementary public-private partnerships, like the state of Louisiana and the Chicago Public School System, GEO Group is the disruptive, evergreen investment to round out your portfolio. For more information, check out their website.

We’re back. And we’re talking with Officer McGuire.

REPORTER: Officer McGuire, how did you feel when you first saw Johnson?

McGUIRE: Well, he sure didn’t look twelve.

REPORTER: Interesting. And what did he say to you?

McGUIRE: I am currently, actively threatening you with premeditated intent for felonious, first-degree murder.

REPORTER: Wow. And what do you think is the root cause of this sort of behavior?

McGUIRE: A mismanaged public prison system. It’s staggeringly inefficient.

REPORTER: And now, another word from our sponsors.

Are you having difficulty with your human resources issues? Well, despite its name, the Management and Training Corporation is not for you — because it’s a private prison company.

MTC ties shareholder wealth maximization to the judicial system. By cornering the market of regressive austerity and a bloated, discretionary military budget, MTC incarcerates over 28,000 men and women in facilities all over the US. And now, with facilities in Australia and the UK, MTC is a global leader in social impact, making a difference in the lives of over 100,000 people held in its facilities. Invest in MTC, invest in an American-style justice system, globally. For more information, check out their website.

Back to the program. To better understand Edward Johnson’s criminal intent, let’s take a dive into his dark past. Little is known about this man because he cunningly only lived for twelve years. But from our research, it appears that Edward Johnson was born in a public hospital, lived his entire life in public housing, and even attended public schools.

REP. HENRY CUELLAR, DEMOCRAT OF TEXAS: Based on this evidence, this over-reliance on non-privatized institutions is likely what led to his criminal intent.

He often attended after-school programs at his public library, including ones with activities like basketball. In 1977, Los Angeles Laker Kermit Washington punched Rudy Tomjanovich of the Houston Rockets in the face, resulting in a season-ending, life-threatening injury to Tomjanovich. They were playing basketball, the same criminally-adjacent game that Edward Johnson played every weekday for nearly three years.

Edward Johnson hit puberty six months before he assaulted McGuire’s visual horizon. His mother, a nurse, intended to be interviewed for this story, but later declined after learning the name of the podcast.

Johnson’s father is currently serving a life sentence for possession of three grams of marijuana at Lake Erie Correctional Institution, a facility brought to you by the folks at Corrections Corporation of America. CCA, now rebranded as CoreCivic, a diversified government solutions company. To find out how its alpha growth model is tied to high school dropout rates, please visit their website.

Edward Johnson was sentenced to death by McGuire, who was retroactively promoted to Judge at the scene of the crime.

McGUIRE: It was self-defense, or really, I was defending him from society, and ultimately, from himself. Yeah. That’s right. Yep, I did that. Wow.

But some walk away from this with a slightly different perspective. We sat down with Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, Republican of Kentucky.

McCONNELL: Like all other people killed from my sacred blood oath, Edward Johnson will haunt me and my family’s nightmares for generations to come. I haven’t had a moment’s rest without countless vengeful spirits haunting my pitiful psyche. I mourn the peaceful slumber my grandchildren will never know.

REPORTER: Interesting. What should be done to solve this problem that your family is having?

McCONNELL: Mismanagement of public resources, undercapitalized carceral facilities, sorry, do you hear those chains clinking followed by the hollow gasps of undead children? They’re a little distracting.

Tune in next week, when we learn the story of Roylan Hernandez-Diaz, a man who was heroically rescued by ICE and returned to his home at Richwood Correctional Facility, a LaSalle Management Company facility, where he spent the rest of his days.

Tonight's comic thought you quit drinking.

As a veteran Lighthouse Keeper who’s also a vocal advocate for the Lighthouse Keeping profession, I’ve received a barrage of recent queries all asking the same thing: should I go back to school and get my MLS (Master of Lighthouse Science)? Whether they are from folks looking for a new, “future proof” career, or humanities PhDs who can’t find a place in the overcrowded academic job market, or fresh-faced college graduates who have grown tired of life on land and wish to stare with existential longing at the sea while protecting the brave and hearty seafarers who traverse the wine-dark sea, it seems that Lighthouse Keeping is the profession du jour.

Sadly, despite the buzz around it, Lighthouse Keeping is simply NOT all it’s cracked up to be. I love my job, and I’ve dedicated my life and sanity to providing sailors safe passage, but I think it’s time to break down the myths and realities of Lighthouse Keeping.

1. Lighthouse Keeping is NOT a growing field

In fact, it’s a rapidly shrinking field. Some lighthouse experts predict that by 2030 lighthouses in developed countries will be entirely automated.

2. Lighthouse Keeping will make
you resentful of lighthouses

Sure, I get it: “I love lighthouses,” you say to yourself, “Why don’t I just live in and tend one for my job.” Sounds smart, but think about it this way: how much do you love your workplace? Do you want to feel the same way about lighthouses as you do your office? Best to keep your passions and your profession separate.

3. Lighthouse Keeping doesn’t make financial sense

With a take-home pay of roughly $3,340 per month, and the median 2BR apartment rental price being $2,506 per month, a Lighthouse Keeper puts over 75% of their monthly take-home salary towards rent. Add to this the thousands of dollars in student loans you’ll take out to pay for the MLS, and it’s clear: don’t go into Lighthouse Keeping for the money.

4. Your boss is the sea, and she’s a harsh mistress

Too many waves? Want to tone down that Nor’easter? Ghost pirates stepped out of the fog again and created hazardous working conditions? Hah. Good luck getting the ocean to respond to that email.

5. Lighthouses are tall,
and you have to walk up them multiple times a day

Seems obvious, but a lot of newbies forget this. You usually have to carry a bucket of oil up that spiral staircase, too.

6. Most lighthouses make you buy
your own hat, pipe, and yellow rain slicker

Long gone are the days when the lighthouse company would provide these accoutrements free of charge. You can blame privatization and government cut-backs on “non-essential lighthouse spending”, but the fact remains: if you want that sexy Lighthouse Keeper look, you gotta pay for it yourself.

7. Lighthouses are seen by many as a phallic symbol

Not a direct reason to not pursue Lighthouse Keeping, but certainly something to consider.

8. Mermaids/mermen do NOT
want to have sexual relations with humans

Ye and they be from different worlds. To them belong the briny depths, to us the air and sun. It’s a tragedy waiting to happen.

9. Lots of water

In fact, you’ll be surrounded by the stuff. All day, all night. Water. Endless water. The churning of the waves will slowly drive you mad as you gaze into the sea, searching for answers, pondering how the twisted forks of your life brought you to this remote patch of rock on a forgotten coast. They say the sea helps you to forget. But all I know is that, inside the lighthouse, only you can hear your screams.

10. MLS actually stands for
“Master of Library Science”

Finally, the most compelling reason not to get a Master of Lighthouse Science is because the degree isn’t real. I can’t stress how difficult it is to get a degree in something that does not exist. Although, honestly, I wish it were harder to get a fake degree — then I wouldn’t be paying off 30k in student loans to LSU (Lighthouse State University)-Online.

A reader writes:

My manager, Wanda, is a director about five years younger than I am (I’m 63, also a woman). She has been with our employer for over 20 years, is extremely good at what she does, is fiercely loyal to her staff, and possesses a wealth of knowledge and insight about our specific work unit and about government in general.

She is also emotionally juvenile, totally self-focused, extremely needy, has never had any kind of a romantic relationship in her life, and her COMPLETELY PERFECT parents gave her a COMPLETELY PERFECT childhood that left her unable to trust any man outside her own family. I am no expert, but I’d wager that a good psychiatrist could probably get at least two or three dissertations’ worth of material out of her. Not that she’d ever consult one, since she is COMPLETELY PERFECT.

At the time I was hired, Wanda was going through some rough times. She had spent her entire adult life living at home caring for her elderly parents, who were both in fragile health and nearing the ends of their lives, so she was under tremendous stress.

I had lost my parents some years previously, and I tend to be the empathetic and nurturing sort. I also did not realize at that point just how messed up Wanda was emotionally. I made the huge mistake of trying to be supportive as she dealt with caring for her parents during their final illnesses. I encouraged her to chat about books and theater, invited her to join my spouse (he/him) and me for a couple of concerts, and even invited her to a family Christmas meal the year her second parent died.

Understand, she does have family nearby. She has one brother who she barely tolerates and a sister who she adores. The sister and her husband were out of town that year for Christmas and she didn’t want to go to her brother’s celebration, so she hinted and hinted until I finally broke down. It made for a fairly awkward gathering, as our family is quite ribald and rowdy while she is considerably more circumspect, and she made no secret of the fact that our typical holiday was not what she was accustomed to – but she continued to hint for more invitations afterward anyway.

I have worked very hard since then to ignore the hints, which, several years later, are still being dropped on a near-constant basis. I have extended no more invitations to family celebrations and have worked with other family members to shift hosting duties elsewhere (because if I am not hosting, then I’m not in charge of the guest list). I have limited outside-the-office contact to a once-a-year concert and a couple of dinners. My spouse thinks even that is too much, and I don’t disagree. However, given that Wanda is my boss, I also don’t know quite how to completely exclude her without repercussions.

A few weeks ago, she came to my cubicle in a flood of tears with the news that her adored sister is “selfishly” moving across the country to live closer to her children. She sobbed that she is being abandoned and that I need to “adopt” her because she won’t have any family that she likes in the area any more. She expects to be included in family gatherings, all concert and theater plans, and also made it clear that she’d like to go with us on vacations.

The absolute last thing in the world that I want to do is to “adopt” my needy, clingy boss and include her in every single non-work activity I engage in. It would unquestionably end my marriage, and quite possibly drive me to suicide.

I can’t afford to take early retirement, and at my age, I’d never land another job in my profession at my current income. Going to HR is out of the question because there is no such thing in my workplace as confidential reporting. Firing people is nearly impossible due to the civil service system, so I am not concerned about that, but in her position as my boss, she could very easily make my work life intolerable. She has done so to others in our section who angered her (such as by going to HR with a complaint).

Do you have any suggestions for how I can establish appropriate boundaries at this stage of the game? Or am I just stuck providing emotional support to this woman until one or the other of us either retires or dies?

Oh my goodness, no.

Wanda’s situation sounds very sad, but she is violating all sorts of boundaries as your boss, and you’re right to want to reestablish more professional ones.

Often when someone is asking for something this over-the-top, the easiest way to respond is to act as if of course they weren’t serious: “Ha ha, you’re funny! Imagine if I really did adopt you and start taking you on our vacations— Bob (husband’s name) would not be pleased!”

Sometimes reacting as if of course this is a funny joke jogs the other person into realizing what they said was ridiculous, and it allows them to back off while still saving face.

It doesn’t always work, but it works often enough — and saves you both from enough awkwardness when it does — that it’s worth trying first. If that doesn’t get the point across and Wanda continues to indicate she wants to be included in everything you do, you’ll need to move on to addressing it more seriously. To do that, I’d first express empathy for her situation, then clearly state you’re not able to help in the way she’s requesting, while wrapping it all in a warm, friendly tone (since she’s your boss and you’re worried about staying on good terms with her). For example: “I know you’re having a rough time with your sister moving. That must be such a tough adjustment to make. We can definitely get the occasional coffee or so forth, but it’s important to me that we maintain our manager/employee relationship — which I think is quite good! — so that boundaries don’t get blurry here at work.”

If she tells you that you don’t need to worry about blurred work boundaries, explain it’s important to you to know that she’ll always be objective about your work, and that you can discuss work problems without a social relationship getting in the way, and that others don’t wonder about favoritism. You could even say, “You’re such a good manager and mentor and I don’t want to compromise that.”

Hopefully this will make it clear to her that she needs to adjust her expectations about your relationship. But if it doesn’t, you still have a ton of control here: You can simply not invite her on family vacations and not tell her about concert plans or family gatherings. On occasions where she assumes events are happening (because it’s the holidays or you’re taking a week off work for a trip or so forth), you can either be firm yourself (“this is one-on-one time for me and my niece” or “my sister is hosting and I can’t invite additional guests”) or, hell, just blame it on others (“Bob is a stickler about keeping these plans just us”). I’m not usually a fan of blaming others when it’s a boundary you should be able to set yourself, but when you’re dealing with a boss who’s this pushy, you use what works, and I suspect your spouse and family would be perfectly happy to be the fall guys here.

Also, while bringing her on family trips is obviously not acceptable, if continuing to share a once-a-year concert and a dinner or two is the price of maintaining harmony in a job you otherwise want to stay in … go ahead and do what you have to do. You’re not a failure if you can’t completely stamp out the very occasional, smaller get-togethers, and it’s okay to focus your defense on the big stuff like not allowing her to tag along on vacations and not making her your default plus-one.

my needy boss wants me to “adopt” her was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

Cool scars make for cool stories.

Aerobic Dancing
Sorensen
1979

Now that we are in January for real (I was in denial), time to get started on those new year’s resolutions. How about you go old school with some aerobic dancing? Although it has changed a bit over the years, the basics are still out there: music, accelerated heart rate, and some kind of choreography. You can even break out some leg warmers if you want the truly authentic retro experience.

Aerobic dancing was the new thing in the late 1970s, and Jane Fonda’s exercise video in 1982 made aerobic dancing a household term. Basically, this was the incorporation of dancing to improve your heart rate and general endurance.

Sorensen’s book is probably one of the first mainstream publications on this topic and includes choreography and instructions on taking your heart rate. It’s not too bad for the time. Extra bonus points since she didn’t wear leg warmers.

Mary

The post Exercise Resolution-80s Style appeared first on Awful Library Books.