This post, our babysitter ghosted us and now works at my office, replacing a beloved employee who died, and more , was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.
It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…
1. Executive’s daughter ghosted us on babysitting without being paid and now she works here
About a year ago, the wife of an executive in my company, upon hearing I had a young child, suggested my wife and I could hire her 25-year-old daughter for part-time babysitting/nanny work. We agreed to give it a try and would pay the daughter at the end of the week. The first two days were okay, but the third day, she never showed up. My wife texted the daughter and then called her but never got a response. Finally, my wife texted several times to ask what we already owed and where to send a check but still never received a reply.
I later learned that it is a common occurrence with this executive’s daughter. She doesn’t regularly work but occasionally her mom will sign her up for some odd job which she’ll do until she loses interest. I tried talking to her mother directly about arranging payment, but she made it clear that it was completely between my wife and me and her daughter and that she would have nothing to do with it. I let it go because I didn’t even know how many hours were owed. This was a year ago, and I never saw the executive’s daughter again until now, when she’s gotten a job as an office assistant at my company. I also learned that she married and is in desperate need of money — i.e., her brother had to pay for getting her wedding dress adjusted because she came up short at the store. Should I attempt to bring up paying her again?
Can you and your wife estimate what she earned with the two days of work she did for you? It might not be exact, but you must have a rough idea of how many hours she worked? Ideally you’d just write a check for that amount and hand it to her, saying, “We weren’t able to figure out how to get this to you last year and we’ve really been wanting to pay you for your work! This should get us square.” That way you dispense with any back and forth about what’s owed, especially since she’s likely to feel embarrassed about ghosting you, which could lead her to tell you not to worry about paying her at all. In fact, if you have a way to just leave it on her desk in an envelope, with a short note saying something similar, that could be the easiest way for all.
And ugh, reading between the lines here, these are either very frustrated parents who are unsuccessfully trying to find a way to get their adult daughter to work, or excessively involved parents who have inadvertently enabled her in not working. But either way, they shouldn’t be asking colleagues to hire her when they know she’s unreliable.
2. Replacing a beloved employee who died
Earlier this year, an employee of mine (my only current direct report) suddenly and unexpectedly passed away (not from Covid). He was excellent at his job and extremely well-liked by the rest of our department. His partner also works in our department.
We are currently interviewing for someone to fill the now-empty role. At what point (if ever) is it appropriate to relay any of this to the candidates? So far, no one has asked why the job is open. While folks in the department are wonderful people for the most part, I have no idea whether any leftover resentment, awkwardness, or other weirdness may happen when our new person starts their job. There is some interaction between this position and the partner’s position, so I’d like to give the new person a heads-up on that level, at some point.
I don’t want to make things weird, but want to give the future/new employee an appropriate level of information so they can integrate well into the department. How do I go about this?
Yeah, you don’t want someone walking into this difficult situation unprepared and having to figure it out on their own. Be up-front with job candidates, at least once you have finalists: “The reason this position is open is a sad one: the person who used to be in this role passed away unexpectedly earlier this year. I want to be up-front with you that there might be some painful dynamics around that when you start; he was well-liked and it’s of course been hard. His partner works here as well, and you’ll have some interaction with them. I’ll be working to support you in the role, but I wouldn’t want you to come in without knowing that these are unusual circumstances that we’re all working to adjust to.”
A thoughtful candidate will have questions about what you expect that adjustment to look like, so make sure you really give some thought ahead of time to what it likely will look like. It’s understandable for things to be a little awkward or subdued when the new person starts, but if you think there will be noticeable resentment, that’s something you’d need to talk with your team about ahead of time (or at least be prepared to address immediately if it happens) because it’s got to be clear to everyone that that won’t work. (You need to be careful to avoid a situation like this, where a team made it impossible to keep any replacement for a colleague who had died.)
3. I referred a friend for a job but HR wants them for a different role
I referred a good friend for a specific open position in my department, and my friend would be a great fit for the role. My manager is thrilled and looking forward to interviewing them.
However, now that the interview process has started, HR began pushing for them to fill a high turnover customer service position because my friend doesn’t have experience in our field. I understand why this happened, but I’m still really angry considering my friend has decades of work experience and this job would be too low for them.
If my friend is hired, I would receive a referral bonus. However, do I have grounds to talk to HR about them interviewing my friend for the other job because of how it would affect my referral bonus? What else can I do? I don’t want to interfere but I don’t want my friend to get screwed out of the opportunity I helped them apply for.
The first thing is to back way off mentally, because you sound too emotionally involved! “Really angry” is too strong of a reaction for the situation — your friend isn’t entitled to a job there, and if there are stronger candidates, it makes sense that your employer would focus on those instead, especially if candidates for this role normally are expected to have experience. Has your manager reviewed your friend’s resume and does she think she’d be a strong candidate (as opposed to “sure, I’d be happy to talk with her”)? If so, she should tell HR that she considers the person a strong candidate and plans to interview them for the first job. But if your manager doesn’t feel that strongly about it, that’s really her call to make.
If that happens, your friend isn’t being “screwed out of a job.” She’s competing against other candidates, and being referred is no guarantee of being hired. You can vouch for her work to your boss (if indeed you really can vouch for her work — not just that she’s a good friend), but beyond that you’ve got to let the process play out. You can’t act as your friend’s agent in the process or you’ll look like you have a conflict of interest.
4. My job fired me and then said I could return
Am I wrong for not wanting to return to work? I have been recently tardy to work most days and got a verbal warning I had to sign. That’s fine and understandable, and I was given a period of time to correct my behavior and told the company has a three-step process of verbal warning, written warning, and then final warning. But I was late again today and instead of being given a written warning, I was fired an hour after I got in, during the middle of the work day. I was very upset as I packed my belongings to leave with no warning. However, after I asked for my employee records to file for unemployment, they realized they had violated company policy and and now they want me to return to work with a warning. Am I wrong for not wanting to go back?
I can see why you don’t want to go back after they fired you and then said, “oops, never mind”! I’d ask yourself two questions. First, can you financially afford not to go back? If not, it probably makes sense to go back but actively job search. Second, what’s going on with all the lateness, and can you address whatever’s behind it? Because if not, then you’re just delaying the day of reckoning by a small amount but you’re going to end up in the same spot again pretty soon. And you risk it being an issue with a new job too, so it would be a kindness to yourself to figure out what you can do to get it under control. (Although if it’s something like “this job is two hours away and I have to be there at 6 a.m., maybe it won’t be an issue with the next one.)
But if you can afford not to go back and it’s clear this isn’t going to work out anyway, one option is to say, “I appreciate you offering, but I’ve realized it’s not the right fit for me right now.” (That said, be aware that doing that might make you ineligible to collect unemployment … but being fired for chronic lateness also could make you ineligible in a lot of states. Either way, it’s worth looking into before you decide.)
5. How often should I try to add LinkedIn recommendations?
I’m a business analyst and I work as a contractor for different clients. I’m trying to build my LinkedIn profile slowly. I want to add recommendations from different people I’ve worked with. How often should I add a recommendation to my profile without making it seem like I’m trying too hard or overdoing it?
I wouldn’t put much energy into it at all! Most hiring managers don’t put much weight on LinkedIn recommendations for all the reasons here. It’s fine to try to round up two or three, but it doesn’t usually make sense to spend time trying to generate more than that (and you don’t need to worry about spacing out those two or three; it really doesn’t matter!).