Cowboy Who?

In brief: In the wake of Monday’s front, Houston’s weather will now be sunny and cooler for the rest of the week, before a warmup this weekend. Today’s post assesses just how cool our nights will get. Then, we’ll look ahead to an uncertain forecast for Thanksgiving, nine days from now. Finally, we talk about a nice accolade for the site.

A few notes

Thank you to everyone who voted for Matt and I, as we were formally named “Houstonian of the year” on Monday by Houstonia magazine. We have been doing the no-hype thing for more than nine years now, and it is wonderful to be recognized by the community for our efforts to produce reliable information.

If you’re interested in space, I’ll be giving a talk at North Shepherd Brewing today at 6:30 pm CT, as part of the “Pint-Sized Science” series to broaden science in a fun and public way. There’s no charge. More information can be found here.

Finally, we’re right in the middle of our annual fundraiser for Space City Weather. Thank you, sincerely, to everyone who has contributed so far. We use these funds to keep the website and app going all year long—rain or shine, flood or drought. You can find out how to donate, or purchase merchandise, right here.

Tuesday

Most of the region saw at least a smattering of rain, and some parts of Houston picked up 1 inch or more as a cool front pushed into the region on Monday. That should be the end of the rain for at least a week, and we’re unlikely to even see so much as a few clouds until Friday or Saturday. Rather, it’s going to be sunshine and drier air for awhile. High temperatures today are going to push into the upper 70s to about 80 degrees, but with lower dewpoints the air will not feel humid. Lows tonight should drop into the mid-50s. The thing to watch for after midnight will be increasing winds from the northwest, gusting up to 20 to 25 mph. This will represent a surge of colder and drier air that will really bring us into November-like weather.

Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday

These will be mostly sunny days, with high temperatures of about 70 degrees, and rather dry air. Winds will generally be light. Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday nights will all be chilly, likely getting into the upper 40s for much of Houston. Wednesday night should be the coolest night, however, with far inland parts of our region dropping into the upper 30s. Sweater weather, finally?

Saturday and Sunday

Skies will remain partly to mostly sunny this weekend, but we’ll start to see some clouds as a southerly flow returns. Highs on Saturday should reach the mid-70s, with overnight lows around 60 degrees. Sunday will be a bit more humid, with highs of around 80 degrees. If you have outdoor plans for this weekend, you should have zero concerns.

Next week, plus an early look at Thanksgiving

Monday and Tuesday of next week will, almost certainly, be rather warm and muggy. I suspect most of the region will be in the mid-80s. (Record highs for next Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday are 86, 86, and 84 degrees, respectively. We will be close to that). Nights will be warm, in the upper 60s. So very un-holiday-like.

However, there’s a pretty strong signal for a front to arrive in the middle of next week. The major operational models bring the front through by Wednesday, but when we dig deeper into the ensembles there’s definitely some risk that the front is delayed to Thursday, which is of course Thanksgiving. There’s likely to be some rain with the front, although right now there’s no evidence of a major line of storms or anything.

So where does that leave us? We’re going to have to give you a probabilistic forecast at this point. By this, I mean the most likely outcome is that the front makes it through on Wednesday, and Thanksgiving ends up with high temperatures in the 60s, and perhaps partly to mostly cloudy skies but no rain. However, there’s a decent chance (one-in-three, maybe?) that the front is slower and doesn’t arrive until Thanksgiving Day. In such a scenario the holiday may be fairly warm and muggy, with a health chance of showers. That sure would be a turkey of a forecast.

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

A reader writes:

I manage an employee, Casey, who has developed a passion for a Keto, fasting, and all things carnivore lifestyle. It is great that they have found a lifestyle that they love, but they are a bit overly passionate and it is a little overwhelming in our office.

What makes it difficult is that Casey will pull everyone into conversations about it, and makes lots of vocal statements when anyone brings anything they don’t eat into the office. As an example, with any new person we hire, on day one Casey will start telling them about their Keto lifestyle and asking them if they are interested in supplements or if they want to hear about eating Keto. There isn’t a day that goes by that they aren’t starting new conversations with people.

These are examples of statements that are 99% of the time unsolicited:

• “Have you seen these new chomps that are high-fructose-corn-syrup-free?”
• “I don’t eat sugar anymore, but when I did those used to make me feel terrible.”
• “I have supplements that will help you manage past your cravings if you want some.”
• “I’m a carnivore so I won’t eat those but if you get me bacon I’ll eat that.”
• “I’ll bring Keto waffles to the pot luck” – then drones on and on about the ingredients and how great they are.
• “I have a great recipe from a Keto workshop I attended….”
• “You won’t even need caffeine once you’ve been fasting.”
• “I have some great books on Keto lifestyle.”
• “I went to the butcher last night and got amazing deals on all the meat I’ll need for this week.”
• “I’m going to go snack on my amazing Keto-bread.”

The issue I have is not everyone wants to hear about it AND it is really distracting from workplace activities. I sense people try to avoid walking by Casey’s office to prevent unwanted conversations about it.

How do I politely let Casey know that their personal passions need to be saved for time/space outside of the workplace? Advice on how to kindly and supportively ask for this to be toned way down?

If Casey were this obsessed with evangelizing for something unrelated to diet and health — like, I don’t know, the Dallas Cowboys or Daylight Savings — it could still reach a point where you’d need to rein it in, but it being about diet and health gives it an extra layer of obnoxiousness and adds additional urgency for you to tell them to cut it out.

Constant Daylight Savings evangelism would be annoying too (as well as pretty weird) but at least it wouldn’t involve judging other people’s diets and pushing unsolicited health advice. It would be irritating and boring, but it wouldn’t cross boundaries in the same way.

To be clear, some of Casey’s comments are okay. Saying “I got fantastic deals from my butcher” or “I’m going to go snack on my amazing Keto-bread” may get tiresome, but people are allowed to be a little tiresome, within reason. On the other hand, comments on what other people are eating and unsolicited diet advice do cross a line, and that’s where you should focus.

So: “Casey, I understand you’ve found a diet that you’re passionate about, but I need you to rein in how much you talk about it at work. Diet and health are personal topics, and you cannot critique other people’s food choices or offer unsolicited diet advice. A lot of people find that unwelcome and intrusive, and I can see it affecting your relationships with other members of the team. If someone approaches you privately and asks for your input, you’re of course free to provide it, but the team needs to be able to work without so much unsolicited commentary on food choices.”

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

A federal judge in Texas has blocked a new rule that would have expanded access to overtime pay to millions more salaried workers.

And not only that — the court also struck down the increase that already took effect on July 1 of this year.

The background: In the U.S., all workers are classified as exempt or non-exempt. Non-exempt workers must be paid overtime (time and a half) for any hours over 40 they work in a single week. Exempt workers are exempt from overtime requirements. To be exempt, you must earn a certain dollar amount or higher and perform relatively high-level work as your primary duties. (There are some exceptions to this, including teachers, doctors, and lawyers, who are always exempt.)

On July 1, the salary level that makes you exempt from overtime pay increased to $43,888 — meaning that anyone making under that was due overtime pay (unless they were one of the exceptions named above). The threshold was set to increase again on January 1, to $58,656.

On Friday, a U.S. District judge ruled that the Labor Department exceeded its authority with the new rule.

So now, the previous threshold of $35,568 — which was set in 2019 — is set to go back into effect.

It’s not yet clear if the Labor Department will appeal the decision. If they do, it’s possible that an appeals court could quickly reverse this ruling … but if the appeal is still pending when the new administration takes over on January 20, they’re unlikely to continue that appeal. (Something similar happened in 2016, when a court halted a similar rule just days before the hike was supposed to take effect, and then permanently blocked it a few months later.)

Notably, the judge this time cited the U.S. Supreme Court’s decision earlier this year to throw out the Chevron doctrine, which for decades had required courts to defer to “permissible” agency interpretations of the statutes they administer, “even when a reviewing court reads the statute differently.”

So, two questions that a lot of employers now face:

• If they raised your salary to meet the July 1 threshold of $43,888, are they going to leave it a the higher level or lower it back? Most probably won’t lower salaries because of the morale hit it would cause, but some might.
• If they were planning to raise salaries to meet the January 1 bump to $58,656, will they reverse course or stick with those plans? If they had planned a bump but hadn’t announced it, they’ll probably quietly cancel it. If they had already announced they planned to bump salaries then, they’ll face employee pressure to stick with that.

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

Last week we discussed territorial behavior at work and here are 12 of my favorite stories you shared.

1. The Rolodex

I worked with a manager that kept customer information in a Rolodex to prevent any one else from making calls to them. And I mean a classic Rolodex, the big spinning thing that had index cards with hand written notes. It was kept in a locked drawer, so if the manager was sick or on vacation, then no calls were made and no money was made.

She completely refused to enter the information into the CRM, or to allow anyone to else to enter the information. She even tried to walk out with the Rolodex on her last day.

2. The teabags

I worked at a company that provided free filtered water and coffee. Teabags, however, were kept by the office manager in his desk, and you were required to show your used teabag to get a new one.

I am not a tea drinker, so I never found out how, say, a new employee could get their first teabag.

3. The copiers

When I first started out in my industry 20-something years ago, it was a small tech department of three. I, as an mid-20s female, was grateful to have two kind 50s/60s gentlemen as my mentors. One was our boss, and the other was our network guy. About a year into my tenure, I noticed that a consistent issue we kept having was that no one knew what the name of their nearest copier was when they tried to print. I proposed we changed the names of the copiers from “Copier 289729” to “BldgX-Room123-Copier” in our weekly meeting.

Suddenly the network guy was furious. He hated this idea. It meant that each time we moved the copiers, we would have to update the name. (We moved five or six of them a year.) Boss agreed with me and I implemented the change. It was a resounding success with the employees, and we got a lot of praise for making this change.

But the network guy kept bringing it up … first weekly for a while, then monthly, and settled on 2-3 times a year . He still hated it and thought it was a terrible idea. It didn’t affect him at all, mind you. I managed the copiers. He set up the original system 15 years ago, but my predecessor and then I had been managing them for the last 5+ years when I proposed the change.

Three years after we changed the copier names, our boss retired. I was the interim while they slowly and unsuccessfully looked for a replacement, and then after two years I was hired as the replacement. The department expanded. Any time we hired a new person, he pulled them aside and — without naming names or detailing the history — would “pop quiz” the new hires by saying, “If you had the choice, what would you name the copiers? ‘Copier 289729’ or ‘BldgX-Room23-Copier’?” He was not happy that they all agreed with me.

Come to find out, he didn’t limit his quizzing to our department. He had also shaken down all the department managers, including any new managers hired over the years, and asked them the same question. When I left that org to go to greener pastures, he also sprung it on my replacement. It had been 15 years since we changed the copier names and he never let it go.

What made it more bizarre was that otherwise he was a very friendly and helpful guy.

4. The bathroom

I worked at a family company that took up the whole floor of an office building. For some reason, there were no bathrooms in the office. All 60 employees had to walk to another floor to use a public restroom.

Well, I eventually learned that there were “executive bathrooms” only for The Family. It was the wildest power play. Four guys took the mens and womens bathrooms and converted them into a giant, glamorous bathroom for their own personal use. All us plebians were told that there just wasn’t a bathroom on the whole floor due to some bizarre building design flaw and we had to take the stairs to the public use bathrooms in the lobby.

5. The contacts

I had a boss one time who made me set up a LinkedIn and then insisted that I run by any contact with her before I accepted any connection. Which was absolutely no one. I couldn’t make any connections in industry or she would accuse me of job searching and freak out.

When I finally wised up to her abuse, the first thing I did was add/accepted a bunch of people as “take back my identity” moment.

6. The traffic cone

Years ago, I worked with a traffic cone hoarder. We did not have assigned parking, but we had a parking lot that was appropriate for the amount of people in the building. Yet, we had one woman who kept one of those large cones in her car. When I say cone, it was a filthy, beat up orange cone that she confiscated from a construction site.

She was one of the earliest arrivers so naturally she would get one of the coveted front row spaces. When she would leave for an errand or for lunch, she would put the cone in the space preventing anyone from getting that choice spot.

It drove everyone crazy with the entitlement, yet the CEO wouldn’t put his foot down because this woman was a toxic shrew and he didn’t want to deal with it. I eventually left for a lot of reasons that were a result of weak leadership. The cone situation was just one of the symptoms.

7. The fridges

My old department had a staff room for two distinct teams, one larger general one and a smaller specialist one. There was one fridge, but the smaller team felt there wasn’t enough space for them so they, between themselves, personally saved up money to buy a second fridge just for them.

Using the Grey Fridge and Not The Black One is a key point in induction tours for new staff members in the other team, as putting your milk in the black fridge is a guaranteed way to have your stuff thrown away. If someone is found to be using the wrong fridge, they are lectured and then ignored by the entire specialist team for the rest of their time in the department.

8. The van

Two departments shared a pair of work vans for driving to program sites. Before I was hired, apparently problems with Mr. O (from the other department) always having the van led to the creation of a sign-out calendar.

Mr. O would sign out one van for every day on the calendar, regardless of programming duties. So everyone else would sign out the other one, and if it wasn’t available would go to Mr. O and ask if it was okay to use “his” van (to, ya know, do actually work tasks). He was a retired teacher who had come out of retirement to do this job, very mild and “generous.” His answer was always, “Oh sure, baby, that’s fine.”

Years later, I talked with some people who had worked in his department. He insisted on driving one colleague to her programs and picking her up, so he could keep the van. And apparently every morning he would drive to work in his own vehicle, then get in the work van to drive to get himself coffee, then drive back. WTH?

9. The parking spots

I once worked in a longish building with entrances on either end. People tended to park by the door they used. But only one end of the parking lot had trees, so during the summer people who might usually use the west door would park on the east side of the lot so they could park in the shade. People who were officed on the east end were *furious.* Those were their trees. How dare you park under them and steal the shade that rightfully belonged to them?

10. The pods

My first job out of college had cubicles set up in sets of four where you’d have low walls within your pod and high walls outside of that pod. My boss, who worked a few pods over, decided that whenever someone moved out, he should move in. Whenever anyone else left, he put desktoys on it to claim it, and whoever allocated desks (maybe him?) assumed those were already taken (there was stuff on them after all) and put new people elsewhere.

By the time I got there, he’d claimed an entire four-desk pod for his own megadesk covered in stuff. I don’t know if he used any of them, but they were great for displaying his many tchotchkes.

11. The facility rentals

I worked with someone who used to manage facility rentals – weddings, bridal showers, and conferences – at my museum. These responsibilities were taken away from him because he had no interest in them and had so much work he couldn’t manage them if he wanted to. They were assigned to me.

He kept those responsibilities on his LinkedIn. Not only did board members who followed his account thought that our rental program success was due to his efforts, but he frequently used his account to promote our rental program. Which would have been lovely if he had actually forwarded the inquiries to me or responded to them at all.

I asked if he could edit his LinkedIn because it was legitimately creating hardship, but he refused and said it was illegal for the organization to monitor his social media activity, and our board believed him.

So for the duration of my time there, I just had to accept the fact that we’d get these horribly negative reviews because he would not change his LinkedIn.

12. The reagent

Someone in a lab I once worked in had a sign above their lab bench: “One of these reagents is not what it says on the label.” It stopped the stealing.

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My manager wants to dumb down my writing

After a long stint in academia, I took a position with a state workforce agency two years ago. While I still teach adjunct at the university and maintain a “collegiate vocabulary,” I am far from inaccessible when it comes to communication and linguistic style choices. My main role in government focuses on writing grant applications, contracts, policy, and codified law.

However, a chief complaint of my direct manager (it’s even on my formal “improvement plan”) is to use plain English, as large words intimidate and confuse her. Recently, when tasked to write a brief for our governor (!!!) she said she wanted to run it through Chat GPT or AI to “dumb it down for them.” This is only one of many times she’s noted needing to run my writing through an AI tool to “reword it” for clarity. I pride myself on clear writing, have ghostwritten for published authors, and pride myself on my written communication skills. Am I off-base to be offended? Is academia-level written communication out of touch? Is use of an AI tool at the state government level an insult to me and my understanding of “voice” and interpretation of “audience”? Or is this the new standard and I need to make my peace with it?

Yes, academic writing is often out-of-sync with writing for other professional contexts.

I can’t speak to your writing specifically, but I can tell you that a lot of people from academia write in a much denser way than is suitable for other contexts, and it can be a real slog to read them, let alone edit them. When your manager talks about “dumbing things down,” she doesn’t necessarily mean that she thinks you should speak to your audience as if they are dumb; it’s shorthand for, “Write in plainer, simpler language because it’s faster and more pleasant for most people to read” and also, “You are not writing in our organization’s voice, and you need to.” That’s very reasonable feedback, and if that’s what she means it wouldn’t be about large words intimidating or confusing her; it would be her telling you that your writing doesn’t meet the standards needed to do your job successfully.

There’s no point in being insulted by that; different jobs require different writing approaches, and academic writing won’t be right for most contexts outside of academia. Especially if you’re on a formal improvement plan that mentions this, you should take that feedback very seriously.

2. Am I obligated to tell my job-hunting relative that he stinks?

I think I know the answer here, but it is a sensitive situation. My spouse and I spend a lot of time with their brother, and we both have noticed that he has really strong body odor.

So far, we have opted to ignore this fact. He’s going through a rough transition personally, and is a very considerate person, and I think would be bothered to hear about his smell. At the same time, we both wonder, how can he NOT know?

He is currently job-hunting, and I worry that when he gets to the in-person interview stage, the fact that he stinks will certainly hurt his chances of getting the job. Should one of us say something? And if so, how would you suggest broaching the subject?

Please say something. It’s very likely to hurt his chances and while it may be momentarily embarrassing to hear that he smells, he’s far better off hearing it from someone who loves him and wants to help than to remain oblivious. (This assumes you think he is oblivious, of course, and it’s not a medical thing he can’t help.)

It should probably come from your spouse since they’re the relative — although if you’re closer to the brother than your spouse is, that could mean you’re a better choice; it just really depends on the dynamics of each relationship. So does what to say — in some sibling relationships, a casual “bro, you smell — you need to hit the shower or do some laundry or something” would be completely fine and even easier to hear than a more delicate approach. Other people would be mortified by that and would prefer something more tactful and framed as, “I feel awkward mentioning this but I’d want you to tell me.” Because these are personal relationships and not work ones, it’s so, so relationship-dependent. (If it were my sister, I’d just be like “hey, you smell weird” — bluntness is a family value for us — but if I were worried it was tied to depression or similar, I’d frame it more sensitively.)

One tip though —sometimes odor really is a laundry issue (they’re not washing their clothes enough or they’re not fully drying them so they’re getting mildewed) and that can be a less embarrassing framework to use, whether or not it’s the actual explanation for what’s happening.

Related:
how to talk to an employee about body odor (and the update)
my coworker told me I smell

3. Accommodations for defiance at work

Years ago, I taught a student who had a 504 plan for Oppositional Defiance Disorder. This was the only time I’ve seen that diagnosis for a student at the public high school I teach at. The vast majority of the time, 504 plans are for students with ADHD or an anxiety disorder and include the directives for their accommodations, like extended time taking a test.

This student, “Mary,” had the accommodation to take a pause and regroup before choosing whether or not she wanted to complete the task given. In practice, this meant that Mary ignored me anytime I gave the class instructions. She refused to take part in group activities and projects. She spent 90% of class with headphones on, watching YouTube videos of cooking shows on her laptop. I was frustrated for most of the year with Mary until finally leaving her alone and not even trying to engage. In the end, Mary scored a 4 on the AP exam in my class.

I don’t know if Mary went on to college, but she’s at the age now where she would be likely graduating. My question is, how in the world can someone with ODD have any sort of reasonable accommodation in the workplace? I am so curious how anyone with certain types of behavior disorders can function in a workplace. Do they just have to work for themselves? I cannot imagine a boss allowing their employee to ignore them and decide not to do work without getting fired.

To be clear, I fully support the right/importance for accommodations for those with the need for it. I just think of Mary every once in a while and am truly wondering how one exists within our societal workplace norms with a disorder that means you have a pattern of uncooperative, defiant, and hostile behavior.

The types of accommodations that are reasonable in school aren’t always the same as the accommodations that are reasonable at work. At school, accommodations are geared toward allowing students to participate and learn. At work, accommodations are about helping them perform the essential functions of the position, and if they can’t do that even with accommodations employers aren’t required to hire or keep them on.

Ignoring instructions, refusing to take part in projects, and watching YouTube 90% of the day wouldn’t be considered reasonable accommodations for a job. So yes, people who struggle with oppositional defiance often do have trouble holding down jobs.

For what it’s worth, though, ODD is a controversial diagnosis and is often criticized as pathologizing normal child/adolescent behavior and/or trauma responses. You see it a lot in foster care, where kids’ response to traumatic circumstances is pathologized and they get slapped with that (extremely stigmatizing) label.

4. How to contact someone’s boss in an emergency

I was recently in a work meeting where I found out that a few years ago, one of my coworkers went into a coma for a month!

It got me thinking … I know in past letters, you’ve made it very clear that the only time a parent, spouse, etc. should contact someone’s boss on their behalf is in emergency situations where the employee would not be able to do so on their own. But how would that even work? It’s not as though I have my husband’s manager’s contact information (or even know their full name) and have no idea how I would get in touch with them to let them know if there was a medical emergency. In my coworker’s case, how on earth did my company learn what had happened?!

Sharing my manager’s contact info with my husband “just in case” feels like overkill. But on the other hand, there is no other way for him to know how to contact my manager. Am I overthinking this?

I don’t know why this question has stuck in my brain, but I’m curious to know how these things actually play out and what you’d recommend.

It’s not overkill to give your manager’s contact info to your spouse! It could save time and hassle if you’re ever in a situation where you need him to contact your employer.

In cases where people haven’t done that and the spouse can’t get the info from the incapacitated partner, usually they’re stuck calling the company’s main number and trying to track down the right person to talk to. At big companies that can be a major undertaking, and it’s much easier if they just have direct contact info.

5. Should I tell job candidates I’m going on maternity leave right after they start?

I manage a team at a small (100-person) company in the U.S. We’re lucky to have a generous parental leave policy (four months) and family friendly environment: lots of parents work at the company, including my own boss and two of my six teammates. I’m actively looking to hire for my team, and I have a couple great people in the pipeline. I’m also six months pregnant, and will be going on leave in about three months.

When giving a candidate an offer, should I let them know that the manager of the team they’re joining will be taking parental leave soon? Selfishly, I want them to join regardless, and I’ll be back! But from their side, would it be frustrating or feel like a bait-and-switch to learn about your manager being gone for a few months so soon after you start? We have a coverage plan in place, so they’ll have another manager during my leave, and I don’t think it’s legally required, but what’s your general advice for doing right by candidates?

Yes, let them know. Very few people will turn down an offer over that, but a lot of people would feel blindsided if they didn’t learn about it until after they started. You don’t have to let them know ahead of time, but most people will appreciate it as a courtesy.

Ideally you’d also let them know how it will affect them — who’d they be reporting to and what the plan will be for supporting them while you’re away.

In addition to Donald Trump’s resounding victory in the presidential election, Republicans have taken majority control of both the House of Representatives and the Senate. Here are the lessons Democrats can learn from the 2024 election cycle.

Lock in John Legend’s endorsement earlier.

Cut out the woke policies that only a fraction of Americans find lifesaving.

Just because something is your fault, it doesn’t mean you’re to blame.

Harris should have been more brat in Wisconsin.

Try to not already hold the presidency when a thing happens that voters dislike.

It is important to appeal to other demographics beyond the Cheney family.

The soul of America is a black expanse, and from it seeps a substance darker than night.

One more fundraising text would’ve done the job.

The post Lessons Democrats Can Learn From The 2024 Election appeared first on The Onion.

Women across the country are seeking out abortion medication at a rate 17 times higher than usual ahead of Donald Trump’s second term, fearing his administration could severely curtail access to reproductive care. What do you think?

“They’re going to feel really silly when it’s outlawed and they have to throw all the pills away.”

Sabrina Basile, Paranormal Litigator

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“Women and their little hobbies!”

Claudio Ramos, Manners Consultant

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“I had no idea women were this worried about tariffs.”

Thomas Sieghart, Obstacle Eliminator

The post Women Stockpiling Abortion Pills Ahead Of Trump’s Term appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Responding with visible exhaustion as the tech entrepreneur mentioned yet another of what he considered must-play titles, President-elect Donald Trump reportedly nodded vacantly Friday after Elon Musk rattled off his 10th consecutive video game recommendation. “Uh-huh, so I should try, what was it again, Elon? Elden Ring? No, I haven’t even heard of that one,” said a depleted Trump, who merely added “absolutely, they’re all fantastic” when Musk asked him if he thought he would rather play as a spellcaster or bandit, and who then sighed and stared into the middle distance. “So you said Overwatch? And then both Diablo IV and Diablo II, but definitely not Diablo III? Wow. I’ve sure got my work cut out for me. Someone write that down, all right? And yeah, BioShock. I think we got it.” At press time, Trump had responded to Musk’s offer to buy him his own Steam Deck by telling the billionaire that he had just remembered a very important meeting that he needed to take alone.

The post Trump Nods Vacantly As Elon Musk Rattles Off 10th Consecutive Video Game Recommendation appeared first on The Onion.

CLEVELAND—Stalled in a panic after his planned rampage hit an unexpected snag, area office shooter Zachary Carter was reportedly too grossed out Friday to kick down the door of his workplace’s lactation room. “Oh God, yuck—I feel like I can smell the lactation. I don’t know if I can do this,” said the pale and queasy Carter, his sweaty grip loosening on his firearm as he gagged at the mere thought of a nursing mother using a breast pump inside the very room before him. “What if someone’s lactating in there right now? I was ready to bust in and start shooting, but I don’t want to go in there if there’s breast milk everywhere. Ew, that’s so nasty. Why can’t they just do that shit at home?” At press time, upon realizing he had probably already touched some of the same doorknobs as lactating women, Carter promptly shot himself in the head.

The post Office Shooter Too Grossed Out To Kick Down Door Of Lactation Room appeared first on The Onion.

The Office star John Krasinski received the title of People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024, taking the mantle from last year’s honoree Patrick Dempsey. What do you think?

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. He still needs to be confirmed by the Senate.”

Donald Elmi, Tea Steeper

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“It’s impossible to accurately judge a person’s sexiness during their lifetime.”

Sherman Ronske, Stock Reducer

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“I’ll update my masturbation routine accordingly.”

Nicole Zedock, Dairy Rationer

The post John Krasinski Named People’s Sexiest Man Alive appeared first on The Onion.

ANAHEIM, CA—Saying the couple wanted to minimize disruptions while they celebrated their love of American animation and each other, area bride Rachel DaSilva told reporters Friday that her Disney wedding would be kid-free. “Josh and I are so excited to tie the knot here with Mickey, Minnie, and all our friends and family in attendance, and we decided the big day would be even more magical if parents left their little ones at home,” said DaSilva, 31, as projections of Cinderella, Lumière, and Nemo danced upon hanging panels around the venue and illuminated her bridal gown modeled after Elsa’s dress from Frozen. “We want our entry into ‘A Whole New World’ of marriage to be center stage, and excitable kiddos run the risk of interrupting the Little Mermaid soundtrack sing-along or tripping Goofy as he walks me down the aisle. We love everyone’s wonderful families so much, but unfortunately, our Disney wedding just isn’t able to accommodate children.” According to witnesses, the mother of the bride, dressed as Cruella, and the groomsmen, dressed as the Seven Dwarfs, then began distributing complimentary mouse ears that the fully adult guests—each person at a minimum two decades older than the Disney entertainment’s intended viewership—were required to wear during the Aladdin-themed vows.

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President-elect Donald Trump has announced that campaign co-chair Susie Wiles will serve as his White House chief of staff. The Onion takes a look at the political strategist’s background and credentials. 

Favorite Meeting Time: 10:45 a.m.

Eyes: Soulless but not yet dead

Nickname Trump Uses When She’s Not Around: Paula Deen

Tax Bracket: Looking up

Go-To Phone Game During Trump Rallies: Candy Crush

Friends: A liability

Vacation Style: Grumpy on the beach 

Celebrity Crush: Stephen Miller

Words To Live By: “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.”

Abortions: 1979, 1981, 1989, 1992

The post Who Is Trump’s Chief Of Staff Susie Wiles? appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Promising to end what he has called a “war on public health” by the federal government, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the nominee to oversee the Department of Health and Human Services, vowed Monday to ban all soaps that smell so good you eat a little. “Big soap companies have been poisoning and deceiving American consumers for decades with these aromatic soaps that really, really convince you a small nibble might actually taste good,” said Kennedy, who promised to declassify all hidden government data about how soap scents like blackberry sage and summer citrus can entice you to lick a corner of the bar, even though it ultimately just tastes like soap. “Insiders have been peddling the lies that these apple cinnamon soaps aren’t dangerous, but I know firsthand how bad they actually taste. There has been a war on America’s taste buds perpetrated by these companies that lie to you with delicious smells that sometimes even drive people to take a second bite just in case the first one wasn’t big enough to really get the flavor. They dress up these soaps in enticing colors and make them smell like delicious pumpkin pie without ever telling people what they do to your body. And this goes for all fruit-scented candles, cleaning products, and markers.” Kennedy added that while he plans to crack down on misleading soaps, lotions like coconut that would obviously taste good because they are made with natural ingredients will still be considered safe.

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The South Korean radical feminist 4B movement, in which women swear off marriage, childbirth, dating men, and sex with men, has sparked intense conversations among Americans on social media. Here is what you need to know about 4B.

Q: How did the 4B movement start?

A: It was developed in South Korea by a group of women who watched Bridget Jones’ Diary and realized men are more trouble than they’re worth. 

Q: Why is it gaining popularity after the election?

A: Just a coincidence.

Q: Who are its members?

A: Thousands of women who haven’t seen you in that sleeveless hoodie yet

Q: Isn’t the Korean 4B movement virulently transphobic and homophobic? 

A: Typical male question.

Q: Who benefits the most from this movement? 

A: The 2028 Vance presidential campaign.

Q: Isn’t this the plot of Lysistrata?

A: Wow, someone has a classics degree

Q: Why are Americans joining the 4B movement? 

A: To improve TikTok engagement for women everywhere.

Q: What can men do to help?

A: Whatever they’re doing now is already helping increase membership just fine.

The post What To Know About The 4B Movement appeared first on The Onion.

Notre-Dame Cathedral in Paris will reopen to the public five years after a devastating fire, with the bells ringing out for the first time since 2019. What do you think?

“It was more eye-catching when it was on fire.”

Scott Polomo, Chain Linker

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“Will it still have the original pedophiles?”

Erin Jehl, Cart Puller

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“I can’t even remember why they set it on fire in the first place.”

Leo Savalle, Crane Swiveler

The post Notre-Dame To Reopen appeared first on The Onion.

‘I’m Ready, Man,’ Declares Weary President

WASHINGTON—Explaining that this represented the end of the line and he simply wished to go out with a bang, President Joe Biden announced Monday that he had authorized Ukraine to use long-range weapons on him. “Effective immediately, I’m giving the Ukrainian military the support needed for them to carry out a precision long-distance strike that would put me out of my misery,” said the visibly depleted commander-in-chief, who described how the U.S.-provided Army Tactical Missile Systems, or ATACMS, would provide Ukraine’s forces with a crucial edge in wiping him off the map after years of grinding existence. “It has been a long road to get here. Frankly, I’m tired. So, so tired. All I want to do is to go away forever. A missile launched over 5,500 miles from Eastern Europe would do that exactly. So launch the strike, Volodymyr. You’ll be doing me a favor, all right? 10…9…8…” At press time, Biden was spotted waving his arms as he stepped onto the White House lawn and looked expectantly toward the sky.

The post Biden Authorizes Ukraine To Use Long-Range Weapons On Him appeared first on The Onion.

COLUMBUS, OH—Receiving widespread condemnation from residents and government officials alike, the neo-Nazi march that took place in Ohio’s capital on Saturday was slammed for not procuring the proper permits. “This is not the kind of nation we are—this is a country where we go down to city hall and complete all the proper forms before parading through the street with red masks and swastika flags,” said 53-year-old Jillian Fischer, who has resided in the city for decades, adding that she was horrified by seeing such a blatantly unsanctioned event. “It’s absolutely disgusting that anyone would fail to go through the appropriate bureaucratic channels like this in the year 2024. If I wanted to strike fear into the hearts of my Jewish neighbors, I would pay $110 first like a true American.” At press time, the neo-Nazis had apologized for making the harmful assumption that people would just be excited to have a parade.

The post Nazi March Condemned For Not Procuring Proper Permits appeared first on The Onion.

Why did you agree to pay $300,000 over asking and sign something called an upside-down mortgage? 

Reference #324192

The post Overpaying For The Rest Of Your Fucking Life appeared first on The Onion.

PALM BEACH, FL—Admitting that ever since he joined the campaign trail the billionaire tech mogul had refused to leave him alone, President-elect Donald Trump reportedly locked the bathroom door Tuesday so Elon Musk couldn’t follow him in again. “All right, Elon, out,” an audibly frustrated Trump had said moments earlier as he stood up from the toilet and grabbed Musk by the scruff to throw him out, the SpaceX founder having barged in through the slightly ajar door, sat at his feet, stared into his eyes, and loudly whined. “Bad Elon. You know the bed, the couch, and the toilet are off limits. Now, go to your kennel and lie down. Or do you want to get hit with the newspaper again?” At press time, source confirmed Trump had sent Musk to be neutered after he got out of his crate and impregnated dozens of female aides.

The post Trump Locks Bathroom Door So Elon Musk Can’t Follow Him In appeared first on The Onion.

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OTTAWA – As the re-election of Donald Trump sends shockwaves throughout geopolitics, experts within Ottawa’s Department of National Defence warn that the temperamental US president may be closer than ever to locating Canada on a map. “Canada mainly got through the first Trump administration thanks to the fact that he thought we were somewhere in […]

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With Democrats reeling from the magnitude of Donald Trump’s victory, analysts and party insiders are coming out with plans for how the party can recover in time for the 2026 midterms and the 2028 presidential election. And we thought we’d join in by focusing on the one issue everyone seems to agree on: Kamala Harris […]

The post 5 ways Democrats can win the next election, all of which involve throwing Trans people under the bus for some reason appeared first on The Beaverton.

OTTAWA – The Conservative Party of Canada has officially announced that in addition to walkable cities, vaccines, and transgender children, they are also deeply afraid of eating bugs. “We WON’T Eat Bugs,” the CPC said in an online petition it posted this week. “No one is asking us to, but we’re so scared someone might, […]

The post Conservatives announce new innocuous thing they’re terrified of appeared first on The Beaverton.

Okay, so look. I’m your basic galvanized steel thrie-beam guardrail. My job is to keep vehicles from flying off the escarpment and squishing all the people driving on the westbound lane who don’t wanna die just because some mope on the eastbound couldn’t be bothered to keep his hands on the wheel. You know what I wasn’t built for? This Trump bullshit.

If a Mazda spins out at one hundred miles per hour, or a school bus driver has to turn around to yell at Jimmie Jr.—I’m your man. But you drive an eight-ton semi with an airplane propeller stuck to the grill into me at top speed? I mean, there’s only so much malarkey I was engineered to handle, you know? We’re built for normal problems, not the kind of thing you get when you hand the wheel over to a lunatic.

You get some melted Beavis and Butthead action figure with a billboard forehead to put torpedoes on the Oscar Mayer mobile and come at me with a load of kids he’s trafficking—nope, the guardrail will not hold. You get some boomer jabroni with a dead bear in the back seat and a head full of worms to steer an ambulance my way after he sets it on fire—it’s not looking good. You put some D-list talk show host in a—what is that, a fucking Panzer tank? You get the idea. Bye-bye, guardrail. Hello, dead folks on westbound.

Not to mention, if you’ve got a couple of your dictator buddies taking a backhoe to that escarpment and some woo-woo broad drilling holes into my posts—nope. And you’ve got teams of jackasses swarming all over the tarmac, repainting the lines with a bunch of squiggles that—oh, I get it, those are crypto symbols. Very clever, you cretinous taint stains.

Again, I was built to keep people safe during NORMAL-ASS TRAFFIC INCIDENTS. You can’t drop a bomb on an American roadway and then sit there with your “BUT BUT BUT THE GUARDRAILS!!” This is why we have traffic laws and norms, my friend, and you’re gonna miss ’em when every mile of interstate in this country is nothing but a string of burn pits with a couple of vending machines stuck in them. But here you are, voting for President Burn-It-To-The-Ground and acting all surprised when he actually lights a match. I saw this coming miles away, and I don’t even have eyes or a central fucking nervous system.

What I’m trying to say is that if you want a safe and functional road, guardrails are only part of the solution. The rest of it is stuff like maintenance, adherence to the law, and upholding a very basic sense of human decency. I’ll tell ya, when my posts were first sunk into this dirt in nineteen eighty goddamn four, I wouldn’t have thought that would be so hard to understand.

Anyway, when’s Infrastructure Week again?

Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
The worst part is knowing that your great grandchildren will find the mutation sexy.

Look, this place needs to be administrated, and I’m the guy to do it. I know you’ve been doing your best, but you’ve been held back. You haven’t been given what you need to be successful. And I’m not talking about money. I’m not talking about resources and opportunities for growth. You’ve had plenty of that. Your problem is that no one gave you the administration you need to be successful. And that’s why I’m gonna administrate the absolute shit out of this place.

This place is primed to make boatloads of money—and I mean boatloads. Are we gonna help some students along the way? Yeah… probably. But you don’t need to worry about that. All you need to worry about is helping me get butts in seats so we can bring home that sweet, sweet bank.

I’m not just all about the money. I’ve got other priorities—strategic ones, if you know what I mean. And I won’t rest until you are literally dreaming about those strategic priorities. Do I care if those dreams are nightmares? Nope. All I care about is your being fully committed to aligning our existing resources with key growth areas in a way that ensures sustainable development and long-term impact.

And if that last sentence didn’t get you hard, I don’t want you working here.

I’m all about the data too. In fact, you better hope there’s an airbag behind those assessment dashboards, because this administrator doesn’t have brakes. I’ll give you so much data-driven decision making you’ll think you work for fucking NASA. But instead of finding black holes and putting motherfuckers on Mars, we’re going to make sure every kid in town, whether they can read and write or not, gets a diploma. I don’t care what they do with it. If they have access to the FAFSA, they have access to us.

We’re gonna realign our mission so well you’ll think I’m your chiropractor. And like your chiropractor, I’m gonna unlock your full potential by putting you into positions that make you uncomfortable. Will I be gentle? Nope. Will there be side effects? Yup. They include serving diverse communities, some bullshit about sustainability or lifelong learning, and my favorite: increased efficiency. You just lay back and take a deep breath. This will only hurt for a moment.

Do I care about the community? You bet your sweet ass I do. The needs of this community are gonna get met. I will foster so many meaningful partnerships, you’ll think I’m Tinder. And my targeted outreach is gonna look like tactical drone strikes. I’ll be blowing up emerging challenges like they’re goddamn terrorists.

I’ll have you eating student credit hours for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. You’re gonna be shitting new revenue streams by morning. I’m gonna leverage cross-college collaborations like an absolute boss. I’m gonna drive so much innovation you’ll think it’s Miss Daisy. I’m gonna position us so well in this evolving educational landscape, you’re gonna think I’m Charles Darwin. Survival of the fittest? More like “arrival of the fittest,” and you don’t need to worry, because with me, the fittest has arrived.

Look, I know what you’re thinking. A high-quality university administrator with this much energy can’t possibly plan to stay long at a place like this. And you’re right. I’ll have this place fully administrated in two years tops, and I’ll be ready to move on to the next place I’m gonna save.

Until then, enjoy the ride, fuckers!