A.N

 

Photo credit: Little Treasures.

About six months ago, I wrote about the racist moments that cropped up on the latest cycle of “America’s Next Top Model.” (I realize in reality TV-land that this might has well have been the last century, and that about seven seasons have aired since then.) One of the moments that struck me as the most insanely questionable was when a designer dressed up black British model Analiese in a skirt of dangly plush bananas, while he dressed the other two models—both white—in more traditional, Marie Antoinette-style outfits.

It was pointed out to me that the tropical getup may have been purposely evocative of today’s Historical Woman, the amazing Josephine Baker: an American-born French singer, dancer, and all-around entertainer who fought Nazis and racists on the side. One of her most famous stage costumes was a skirt made of dangling bananas, usually accompanied by a complete lack of a top. This throws the whole ANTM affair into a much more complicated and ambiguous place—especially considering Ms. Baker’s agency in marketing her act and image in this way. How to feel about it now?

In the famous banana skirt.

Let’s start with the banana skirt. The garment has been alternately described as problematic and empowering, as an accessory of European colonialist fantasy and as a tool that Baker knowingly used to subvert racial and gender categories. In this way, the skirt is really a microcosm for her entire career, at least in the early decades.

When Josephine Baker, born Freda McDonald in St. Louis, Missouri in 1906, arrived in Paris in 1925, France was obsessed with black culture. For them, Josephine—who appeared in a show called “La Revue Nègre”—was a safe venue for their fantasies about “the savage,” a figure often extolled as the antidote to a spiritually oppressive civilization. That Josephine was from Missouri and not deepest Africa seemed to mean little to her French fans and critics.

“The white imagination sure is something when it comes to blacks,” Josephine quipped. I like to think she meant: “White people sure can be racist!”

Baker appeared in a number of shows in which she was usually scantily clad, often portraying a “savage” who meets a French colonial explorer and dances to the accompaniment of African drums. See a video of one such dance here. Critics rhapsodized about her primal vitality and her exotic looks. Picasso extolled her “coffee skin, ebony eyes, and legs of paradise,” and she was admired by everyone from Ernest Hemingway to Jean Cocteau (oh, Paris in the 1920s!).

While the banana skirt and the “primitive” dances, as well as the audience reaction, may induce discomfort in a modern mind (like mine), it’s possible that in the context of her time Josephine was exercising an unprecedented kind of power, even as she reproduced the stereotypes that still popularly characterized her race. Her particular brand of entertainment was insanely marketable and earned her great success and admiration. She herself may have been the one who invented the banana skirt—thus it was not, as the liberal imagination (like mine) might like to infer, foisted upon her by a racist white stage manager. Either way, she certainly took advantage of its popularity, advocating for everything from banana moisturizers to pomades to custards that bore her name. (This last was actually created by Alice B. Toklas, Gertrude Stein’s GFF. Oh, Paris in the 1920s!)

Josephine Baker’s crazy whirlwind of a life was by no means limited to her stage career. During World War II, Josephine was a spy for the French Resistance movement. Thus, she joins Julia Child in the “unlikely spy” category. (Waiting for Josie & Josephine.) Her Europe-wide performing career was the perfect cover for her to casually participate in—and then remember– all sorts of important conversations, and she passed the info on to the Allies, aiding Charles de Gaulle and his Free French buddies.

What motivated this singer/dancer to enter the world of political intrigue? It’s true that she was a devoted nouveau francaise and that she loved her adopted country—but even more, Josephine hated Nazis. “The Nazis were racist,” she told Ebony magazine in 1973. “They were bigots. I despised that sort of thing and was determined that they must be defeated.”

As a result of her service to France, Josephine became the first American woman to receive a full French military funeral upon her death in 1975, an event that shut down the streets of Paris. She even got a 21-gun salute, which, apparently, is more than just a Green Day song.

Josephine in a tux, being impossibly likable. Photo credit: Art Deco Weddings.

There’s really too much more to say about Josephine in this confined space. For example: She adopted twelve children from different countries and called them her “Rainbow Tribe” (way before Angelina Jolie). She lived in a fifteenth-century French castle. She had pet cheetahs. She participated in the Civil Rights Movement and was asked by Coretta Scott King to help lead it following the assassination of King’s husband. (Baker declined, probably for safety reasons.) She refused to play to segregated audiences on her U.S. tour and thus helped accelerate integration.

Josephine Baker’s legacy continues to inspire many women to this day, and her image—often, but not always, including that infamous banana skirt—pops up in the most unlikely of places. Look for her cameos in Midnight in Paris, The Triplets of Belleville, and the animated Anastasia. Even Beyoncé has paid tribute.

With Jay-Z as Josie's hubby Pepito?

I wonder now what Josephine would think of where we are now, both in the U.S. and Europe. She was happy with the progress that had been made even in her own lifetime. But how far have we really come? To what extent do we still exoticize women of color? Even as overt, sickening racism becomes less frequent, what subtler forces are at play that continue to reveal and reinforce power imbalances between whites and minorities?

I’m optimistic that, at the very least, the visceral discomfort induced in liberal-minded minds (like mine) by seeing a black woman dressed in a banana skirt by a white man on TV means we’ve at least made some progress.

Great news for Donna Tartt fans! Little, Brown has announced the publication date and title of the much-awaited third novel by the best-selling author of "The Secret History" (1992). "The Goldfinch" will be published in October — exactly 11 years after "The Little Friend" (2002) came out, ending a dreadfully long drought, reports Vulture.

This is how Amazon describes it:

"A young boy in New York City, Theo Decker, miraculously survives an explosion that takes the life of his mother. Alone and determined to avoid being taken in by the city as an orphan, Theo scrambles between nights in friends' apartments and on the city streets. He becomes entranced by the one thing that reminds him of his mother: a small, mysteriously captivating painting that soon draws Theo into the art underworld."

So in case you're wondering what everyone will be reading next fall ...

 

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As well as the obvious design software such as Adobe’s Creative Suite there’s a lot of other tools & resources us freelancers make regular use of.

These tools help us to stay organised, improve our productivity, keep us up to date with industry news and allow us to network with other professionals. Rather than rattle off a list of stuff I use every now and then, I’m going to talk about the tools & resources I use day in, day out and how they fit into my daily routine.

Dribbble

Dribbble is a show and tell platform for designers to share small screenshots of the designs they’re working on. I browse the pages everyday simply because I find it interesting to see what people are working on and I like to leave feedback and words of encouragement where I can. I also find it useful because as a Freelancer I often work alone so it’s nice to be able to upload a shot of my work every now and then and get some feedback from other designers.

Another benefit of Dribbble is that people often use it to search for and hire new talent. I myself have had a handful of enquiries since joining and it’s required no more effort than simply uploading and tagging my work. This shows that just by having your work on there it automatically opens the door for new opportunities.

Feedly

Keeping up to date with all that’s happening in design can be very difficult without the right tools. There’s only so much content you can consume each day and over the last two years I’ve been trying to cut down as much as possible. My aim has been quality over quantity and along the way I’ve tried all sorts of content curation tools such as Zite, Flipboard, Summify and Sidebar. These are all great tools but for me the best solution so far has been syncing my Google Reader account with Feedly. Google Reader gives me some form of quality control by allowing me to subscribe to the blogs of my choice and then Feedly simply makes it faster and easier for me to browse through all of that content on my iPhone. Now every night when I go to bed I set aside some reading time in which I’ll use feedly to look for interesting or useful articles. The best of which I can then share on Twitter the next day.

Designer News

As well as Feedly I’ve also recently started using Designer News, which for someone who’s trying to cut back on the amount of content they consume has been a bit of a godsend. It’s purpose is a platform to share and discuss things happening in design and so far the quality of the links that have been posted has been excellent. This is probably down to the fact that it’s invite-only, but you don’t have to be a member to make use of the content.

I’ve also found it to be a helpful tool for discovering blogs and writers whose work I wasn’t already familiar with, which is quite a refreshing change from the stuff I see on Feedly.

Buffer

Buffer is an app that changed the way I use Twitter. The way it works is you create a schedule telling your Buffer at what times to post each day. You then fill up that schedule by adding articles, pictures and videos to your Buffer which will then be automatically posted for you throughout the day. In my case I use it to share the most interesting and useful articles I read while browsing Feedly and Designer News. I’ve found it to be a really great way of keeping my Twitter profile active on busy work days and providing my followers with a consistent stream of relevant content.

Twitter

Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last 6 years you’ll know all about Twitter. For us designers it’s a great way to connect with new people, promote our work and keep up to date with the latest in design. I’m certainly no Twitter pro but out of everything on this list it’s definitely had the biggest impact on my business. It’s helped me to find new clients and discover valuable opportunities that I never would have otherwise. How I’ve done this I think comes down to simply following the right people – designers, developers, copywriters, entrepreneurs and bloggers. For instance, I certainly wouldn’t have come across these opportunities by following only my favourite tv personalities.

How and when I use Twitter really depends on what I’ve got going on during the day. I try not to get too caught up in it while I’m working so I usually limit myself to 10-15 minutes in the morning and then let Buffer do the hard work while I get my head down. This is usually until the evening or during less busy periods when it’s more likely that I’ll have the desktop client running in the background, which allows me dip in and out.

Gimme Bar

Gimme Bar is a bookmarking tool that allows you to save just about anything you find on the web, whether it’s images, videos, text, or entire pages, which you can then organise into collections for easy finding later on. For me this makes it a great tool for not only saving the stuff I like but it also comes in really handy for collating bits of research for my projects.

Wunderlist

 

This one is a lifesaver. Out of the few I’ve tried, Wunderlist is the only to-do app I’ve ever stuck with because it does genuinely keep me organised. The main features include multiple lists, due dates, reminders, recurring and subtasks, all of which I use daily. I have 3 main lists related to work. One for client work and general duties, one for my daily routine – which I use to keep track of the stuff I do everyday, and finally, one for meetings and appointments.

Microsoft Excel

When it comes to keeping track of my finances I like to keep things simple. Microsoft Excel might not be anything special when compared to other book keeping software, but it gets the job done. The trick is just making sure you keep on top of everything, which so far I think I’ve managed to do a pretty good job of. However, if you are one to put admin work off for as long as you can then it might be a good idea to look at alternatives such as Freshbooks.

Spotify

Spotify is a music streaming service that gives users access to millions of tracks for free so it’s perfect for listening to music while you work. I myself have one big playlist which I’ll start at the beginning of the day, click shuffle and see where it takes me.

Squarespace

Setting my portfolio up on Squarespace is one of the best decisions I’ve made in relation to my own website. The original version was built on WordPress and as I don’t really code I had to hire someone whenever I wanted to implement changes to the design. This involved a lot of waiting around and I always felt like I wanted something where I could be a bit more hands on, so I could get stuff done straight away. That’s exactly what I found with Squarespace. The combination of the style editor and LayoutEngine technology makes it a breeze to make changes and any customisation on top of that can be done with basic coding skills. Not only is making changes to the design easier but overall I’ve found it to be a much simpler way of maintaining my portfolio and blog. An added bonus to using Squarespace is that the customer support is probably the best that I’ve ever dealt with.

And there we have it folks. If you’re just starting out or thinking about going freelance I hope this gave you a good idea of the sort of stuff you need to look into.

If you have any questions or are a freelancer yourself and would like to share the tools & resources you use on a daily basis, feel free to use the comments section below.

This is a post from Inspired Magazine. If you like it, you may want to subscribe to our RSS full feed to be updated on every article we're publishing. Also, it's highly recommended to follow us on Twitter!

The Everyday Tools & Resources of a Freelance Designer

I thought I’d give you a little break from our Valentine-inspired posts (we admit that we enjoy the holiday a bit much at HGTV.com) and focus on lighting — “jar lighting” to be exact.

This 5-jar chandelier casts a soft glow when filled with vintage-style bulbs. Hung above tables, counters or in hallways, its lighthearted charm warms up any space.

EXTRA: THE NIGHT THE LIGHTS WENT OUT AT THE SUPER BOWL >>

From West Elm

And now, back to our regularly-scheduled Valentine programming.

A hacker known as "Guccifer" has apparently obtained e-mails, photos and even some self-portraits of George W. Bush after gaining access to the personal email accounts of Dorothy Bush and five other friends and families close to the former president. Without a doubt, the highlight of the leak goes to these two self-portrait paintings of Bush taking a bath (shown left).

Submitted by: Unknown (via Gawker)

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I believe it was the writer W. G. Sebald who said: "Men and animals regard one another across a gulf of mutual incomprehension." No animal seems to comprehend us better than the dog. For that matter, I comprehend them more than any other. Like the Nicolas Cage character in Herzog's "Bad Lieutenant," I have no idea what an iguana is thinking. Does an iguana?

Growing up on the books by Albert Payson Terhune, I developed an early love for dogs. It didn't bother me that one bit me on the cheek at Mrs. Meadrow's Play School. It was my fault. I'd tried to ride her like a horse.

This dog weighs more than the boy. At this point it has more life wisdom. It's pretending to be led. The boy considers the puddle, stoops, and carefully puts down the leash. As they first approach the puddle, the dog lists slightly to starboard, suggesting the puddle be avoided. When the boy puts down the leash, the dog takes a small step forward, suggesting they continue down the lane. The boy makes his decision. The dog turns, observes, accepts, and uses body language to say, "Don't look at me. I didn't want him to do that.

It glances down at the leash and back at the puddle, guesses what will happen next, and remains in place as if the leash were fastened to the earth. It is completely accepting, and waits with content.

If a raccoon approached the boy, the dog would snap into attack mode, hairs bristing, fangs bared, saliva dripping. It would growl and bark and dash at the raccoon. I believe that the dog would be fully prepared to die for that boy. But the dog is no fool. It doesn't go wading in the puddle. The boy gets the good of the puddle. He picks up the leash again, and boy and dog resume their journey.

John McPhee wrote that the early dogs, godless, observed that Man controls food, shelter and fire, and cast their lot with these hairless animals. Now they had a god. Observing that men liked to pet them, dogs encouraged them to touch. Most dogs are willingly obedient. They even bite someone on command, but if their owner commands a dog to bite a member of the family, they grow anxious and lose their poise, looking away uneasily. Something is wrong in the fundament of the universe. The god has failed.

¶

Thanks for the video link to an old friend, Mike Jones, head of the Illinois State Lottery.

Click here for my blog entry Blackie, Come Home.

I don't want to give away the punchline here, but it's definitely worth 1:40 of your time to get to it. This Australian gentleman placed a classified ad announcing the sale of his house, with the stipulation "No Asians." A news-crew cornered him in front of the house and demanded an explanation, and, well...

No Asians (via Reddit)

We’ve all been total newbies. In fact, I spend most of my time still feeling like one. So researching this article was a great opportunity for me to do some more learning, and to share all of that good stuff with you.

I reached out to people from across the WordPress community to ask what advice they would give to people just starting their WordPress journey. I talked with developers, designers, support reps, security experts, hosting companies, theme shops, plugin developers and just about everything in between.

This article is a result of their insight, and I hope that it provides some encouragement and guidance to newbies — whether you’re a user or a developer — as well as some tips for advanced WordPress users who continue to learn throughout their lives. With that in mind: WordPress community, take it away!

Get Involved With The Community

WordPress has a tight community with active contributors from all over the world, so it’s no surprise that a bunch of people within that community recommended newbies start chatting with others. Having a desire to learn and get help will get you far. As Japh Thomson pointed out:

“There’s a lot to learn, and this is the best way to ensure you’re learning the right way to do things. It also means that as you learn, you can give back, which helps the community to grow. As you give back, you’ll find this actually helps you learn even more!

Being a part of the WordPress community is a mutually beneficial arrangement, and a fantastic way to build your skills and experience.”

There are plenty of places to get involved. If you’re a developer you could check out the weekly WordPress core developer chats on the #wordpress-dev channel on the freenode IRC (Internet Relay Chat) network. Just listening to what’s going on in the chat will help you to understand the direction of the codebase and the decisions that have been made. You’ll also learn who is doing the talking, i.e. who the project leaders are.

WordPress community members chatting at the WordPress community summit. (Image source: Andrea R)

When Brad Williams started out with WordPress, he just hung out in the #wordpress chat. Within a few months he went from asking questions to answering them, and made some new friends while he was at it.

If IRC isn’t for you, sign up for WordPress.org and use the Codex and the forums to start learning. While you’re there, you can help out by fixing any problems that you see in the Codex, or replying to support forum questions that you might know the answer to.

You can also follow WordPress people on Twitter, comment on blogs and go to WordCamps and Meetups. “Being a part of that conversation,” says Kailey Lampert, “is vital to anyone who wants to learn.”

Take the time to learn who is who in the WordPress community. As Remkus de Vries says:

“The most important thing is to check your surroundings. You can’t enter a community without knowing who the key players are and what the rules are. Learning that is also learning WordPress. No matter what you’d like to get out of the community, you have to be willing to put the time in there without expecting anything monetary in return. Think of it as earning your ‘street cred.’ The more you make yourself visible, and there’s lots of ways to do that, the better you’re helping yourself and the project.”

As a developer, you can get involved by open-sourcing your software and distributing it. This could involve writing a plugin or a theme and putting it on the WordPress repository or GitHub. “Not only will you gain the respect of other developers and community members, you’ll learn so much about what it means to be part of the WordPress community,” says Drew Strojny. “You’ll get feedback and ideas to help improve whatever you built or contributed and you’ll likely learn something along the way.”

Simon Wheatley pointed out that there is space for everyone in the WordPress community:

“If you are a developer, look out for places you can start to get involved in code contributions to plugins or to core WordPress. If you are a business person or you are using WordPress, look for opportunities to get involved in local events and meet other users. The more contact you have with the community, the better your experience will be. WordPress is written by people who see something they want to improve and get involved with the code, WordCamps and meet ups are organized by people who see a gap and get involved in helping improve the community, documentation is written by people who don’t understand something and get involved in creating explanations… getting the idea? Get involved!”

The other great thing about getting involved is that you’ll make friends and create a support network, which means if things do go wrong in the future, there’ll be people around who can help you out.

Thanks for input from: Japheth Thomson, Mason James, Eric Mann, Kailey Lampert, Dre Armeda, Ronnie Burt, Simon Wheatley, Jared Atchison, Brad Williams and Remkus de Vries.

Learn

By far, the most common advice that I was given for beginners was based around learning. This encompasses everything from setting up your first WordPress website to starting out with developing for WordPress. Learning is your first step to becoming a pro in WordPress, whatever your area.

Ben Balter points out that WordPress has its own way of doing things:

“There’s the computer-sciencey way (formal MVC, elegance on paper), and then there’s the WordPress way (think actions/filters, the loop). It’s a lot more intuitive in many ways, but if you’ve been trained the wrong way, it could take a minute or two to unlearn. WordPress purposely breaks certain formal design patterns, and almost always walks away with a solution that is more elegant for the user AND the developer.”

If you’re a developer coming to WordPress for the first time, you might wonder why WordPress does things in such a WordPressy way. Once you dig deeper you will start to find it enjoyable!

Image source: opensourceway.

And if you’re coming to WordPress for the first time to build yourself a website, Jan Dembowski has this great advice:

“Don’t be intimidated. Once you have gotten your own installation of WordPress software running, understand that the magic happens via the PHP files and possibly mod_rewrite’s .htaccess rules.

Everything hitting a WordPress installation starts with a Web request, gets processed and data gets pulled from or inserted into the database. Poof! The Web page is generated. All you had to do was sign in, publish a post and suddenly you’re publishing on the internet.

If you don’t know how it all works that can be intimidating especially if something is not working the way you thought it would.”

Don’t be Afraid to Experiment

“One of the best ways to get familiar with a new product is to tinker,” says Collis Ta’eed. Sometimes the best way to learn is to take stuff apart and put it back together, to break things and to be forced to fix them.

You should take Andrea Rennick’s advice to both users and developers to “be fearless!” Even if everything goes totally wrong, you can install a new copy of WordPress and start again.

Or, as Helen Hou-Sandi says:

“Be curious about what’s out there and don’t be afraid to figure it out for yourself. Whether that means figuring out how to get a test or playground site up and running somewhere so you can try out themes and plugins without worrying about your live site, or actually reading through the code of some of those themes and plugins to see how it’s done (or shouldn’t be done), don’t get stuck in ruts or consider the first thing you read to be gospel. It’s kind of like saying ‘do your research,’ but think of it more as encouraging curiosity rather than doing homework. In the long run, you’ll know more, and who knows — maybe you can even help somebody out who’s now in your former shoes!”

If you want to truly get rid of your inhibitions, learn how to install a local development environment. Michael Krapf suggests that your first WordPress website should be a testing playground. There are plenty of tools out there that you can use to get set up. Try out installing WordPress with MAMP on your Mac or with XAMPP on Windows. Kurt Payne recommends trying out ServerPress Desktop Server.

Don’t be afraid to experiment! (Image source: opensourceway)

Add content to your website and manipulate it. Try out themes and plugins. If you’re a developer you can create themes and plugins. You’ll be able to take your time troubleshooting without worrying about having taken your website down.

If you’re starting out in development, Pippin Williamson has this advice:

“Just build something. Too many beginning developers get caught up with trying to make sure they do it right the first time, but that isn’t that important when you first start. Everyone makes mistakes, and you learn a heck of a lot faster from your mistakes than you do from attempting to learn how to do it perfect the first time.”

Remember that the scope of things that people do with WordPress is changing. Jake Goldman points out that the 2012 WordPress survey highlighted the content management system (CMS) as the most dominant use case, but that WordPress as an “app engine” is the greatest area of growth. “Other tools might offer a better fit,” he says, “but I’ll guarantee WordPress is a capable contender. Frame the way you think about WordPress in the context of a rich ‘framework’ for building great Web applications with an out-of-the-box CMS configuration, take the time to really understand its architecture, and challenge yourself to apply WordPress to challenges way outside of the box. You’ll open up a whole new world.”

Thanks for input from: Pippin Williamson, Collis Ta’eed, Marko Heijnen, Andrea Rennick, Paul Hughes, Andy Stratton, Helen Hou-Sandi, Michael Krapf and Kurt Payne.

Read

The internet has so much information out there that it can be difficult to know where to start looking. A great place is WordPress.org. Both the forums and the Codex are great resources for learning and understanding how WordPress works. Catia Kitahara started using WordPress after a recommendation from someone on a mailing list. The first place she looked for help was the Codex. Before you start asking questions of people, have a look in the Codex and the forums to see if there is already a solution.

And there is plenty of advice outside of the Codex. The internet is full of WordPress tutorials that will help you to achieve your goals. A word of caution though: If you find a tutorial or code snippet, check the date of the post. WordPress has a fast release cycle, and a lot changes over the years. The post may still be entirely legitimate, but some will be out-of-date and may cause you confusion.

As a documentation writer, I know how little people actually read the things I write, and if the documentation actually got read people would find themselves in much less trouble. I’m not the only person aware of this.

As Joshua Strebel says:

“The old joke that people don’t read, and that they read instructions even less, is as true as it has ever been. You can do your part and make the WordPress world a better place by becoming a savvy user that wants to understand and learn versus the type that refuses to think and just wants things done for them.

We have found in our business that encouraging and guiding the customer to digest the support information we have provided and educating them on not just the How but also the Why, leads to a more satisfied and happy user. Once the unknown becomes known, everyone is happier.”

Thanks for input from: Eric Mann, Joshua Strebel, Slobodan Manic and Cátia Kitahara.

Write

You learn best when you are explaining what you do to other people. It’s a well-worn saying, but true nevertheless. You may have lots of knowledge on a specific subject, but can you break it down and explain it to other people? Once you’ve done that, you know that you’ve really got a grasp on it yourself.

The first place you could start writing is on your blog. If you’ve discovered a solution to a WordPress problem, write about it and share it with the world. This way you’re helping out people who have the same problem. It’s also a great thing that a blog has a feedback loop. If you’ve got something wrong, or if there is a better way to do it, someone will tell you.

Try out different ways to reach your goal. (Image source: opensourceway)

Brad Williams knows all about it:

“Some of my earlier WordPress posts were a big help to others and some were actually incorrect. What I learned from this is other WordPress developers would read my posts and correct any mistakes I might have made in my code samples. This actually made me more comfortable with releasing my code to the public because I realized the WordPress community ultimately just wants to help, not make fun of small coding mistakes.”

This is my own experience as well. Of course, if you get something wrong there may be people who get snarky with you, but largely the WordPress community wants to help you to improve. Good content on blogs benefits the entire community.

Once you’re comfortable with writing on your blog, why not try writing on the WordPress Codex. This is another place where you can test to see if you can make your ideas as clear in writing as they are in your head.

Thanks for input from: Brad Williams and me.

Learn the Basics

When it comes to theme development, Andy Stratton points out that he learned on default themes such as Classic and Kubrick, which were much simpler than the latest default — Twenty Twelve. Twenty Twelve shows off WordPress beautifully but it’s not the most useful tool for absolute beginners. Look for simpler themes to learn from, and learn by working through simple tasks. Here are some things Stratton suggests you try:

• Creating a theme that lists blog posts, has a single post template and page template;
• Implementing comments on a single post template;
• Implementing a custom output for comments;
• Implementing date, category and tag archives;
• Implementing a widgetized sidebar;
• Creating a custom widget;
• Create a child theme that does nothing;
• Create a child theme that changes how single posts are displayed.

“Tackling these challenges individually is similar to project management techniques of splitting larger tasks into more manageable pieces. You will learn more and start to relate how these things fit together. Eventually, you would have mind-mapped most of the template and theming structure for WordPress.”

Thanks for input from: Andy Stratton.

Read the Code

If you’re a developer, you shouldn’t just be looking at the Codex or online tutorials. These will get you started but they won’t provide you with everything you need to become an expert developer.

Alex King points out that “the documentation says what the code is supposed to do, while the code says what it actually does.” Documentation can lag behind the code, especially when core patches are merged. And while you’re poking around in the code, you may find other things that are immediately helpful and that you can file away for the future.

Image source: opensourceway.

When Konstantin Obenland started out with WordPress, he started out by looking at the code. He opened files and read them. This gave him an idea of what functions were available, how the APIs work and what was going on internally.

“The biggest challenge for me was to get an idea of where actions and filters were available and how I could alter behavior. Since they are what we work with to tweak core, I would encourage developers new to WordPress to grasp the concept of actions and filters and learn about which one to use in a given context.”

Thanks for input from: Alex King and Konstantin Obenland.

Other ways to learn

Other people had suggestions of different ways to learn:

• Stratton suggests that you get paid to learn by taking on new freelance projects that offer a little bit of new stuff for you to learn. Tell your client that it may take you a little longer and that it will require a learning curve. By the end of the project you’ll have been paid for a good job done, and you’ll have acquired a new skill.
• When he started to develop themes, Magnus Jepson learned by customizing free themes he liked instead of building from scratch. “I had basic knowledge of CSS/HTML and PHP before, but by looking at how other themes worked I gained knowledge and was able to build my first custom theme for a client.”
• Ryan Duff reminds you that “you also need to be receptive to comments and criticism. Talking to others online, whether it is in forums, IRC, etc… That networking and learning will allow you to discover early on the who, what, when, where and why of WordPress.”

Build

It’s great to learn, but it’s also fun to build. If you want your WordPress website to be sustainable and secure, it’s worth putting some planning and thought into what you’re going to do. If you’re building your first WordPress website, think about the design and the functionality that you want. If you’re a developer, take some time to actually understand what it is that you’re doing.

Here’s some advice from Mike Little:

“It is so easy to search the Web and find some code to copy into functions.php that’s supposed to do what you were looking for. But if you don’t understand it, you won’t be able to fix it if doesn’t quite work, or change it to make it work differently. Equally importantly, you will eventually learn to spot bad code from good, and there is a lot of bad code out there in the wild that unfortunately finds it’s way into people’s websites. I include in that statement code that used to be good code, but is now old and out-of-date. I see a lot of code implementing some functionality that got incorporated into core WordPress aeons ago (that’s at least a year in Internet Time).”

If you’re a user or developer, a little bit of understanding goes a very long way. Planning your website and taking things slowly will help you to learn and understand along the way. With that in mind, here’s some advice for building your website.

Take Things Slowly

When you’re building your first website, don’t just rush in and think you can master everything at once. “Starting a new blog can quickly become overwhelming,” says Rachel Baker. “Don’t try to master theme design, plugin development, SEO, community building and writing viral content before you even begin writing your first blog post. Set small achievable goals to stay focused and keep up momentum.”

Learn to go slowly.

Just because there are lots of different things that you can do with your blog doesn’t mean that you need to do them. Amy Hendrix suggests that you have a plan for what you want your website to be and design what you’re going to use based on that plan.

“There are a zillion themes and plugins for WordPress that can add all sorts of shiny widgets, gizmos and gadgets to your site,” says Dougal Campbell. “Your first priority is to make sure that your site is easy for your readers to use — if you add too much clutter it can detract from your message.”

Remember that your website is for delivering a message and you should always keep your audience in mind.

That said, you should plan to go big, suggests Mika Epstein:

“You start small, with a good foundation and make it solid. Build your site with thought. ‘If I use ugly permalinks now, what happens if I want to change it later?’ You can’t know the future, but you can make reasonable assumptions. Make a hard list of your needs and your wants and be absolutely brutal with yourself. You know the difference between a need (gas for the car) and a want (a new car, when yours runs just fine).”

Thanks for input from: Mika Epstein, Rachel Baker, Amy Hendrix and Dougal Campbell.

Choose your plugins and themes wisely

When you start out with WordPress, it is very easy to think “OMG IT’S FREE!”and then get overexcited by all of the free plugins and themes out there. It’s important to keep in mind that just because something is free, it doesn’t mean that it’s good. And equally important within WordPress is that just because something is commercial, that doesn’t mean it’s good either. There are plenty of powerful, secure, free WordPress themes and plugins, and plenty of poor quality commercial themes and plugins. Learn to distinguish between them.

“Don’t install crappy themes and plugins,” says Rarst. “If you are not confident to know which are good — don’t rush to install any straight away or get someone to help you with choosing.”

You should avoid using Google to search for free plugins and themes, and certainly avoid any torrent/warez websites offering commercial themes and plugins for free. Get what you need from reputable plugin and theme shops. Emil Uzlec notes that the ratings system in the WordPress repositories makes it much easier for you to make a choice about what you’re installing on your website.

Both Andrew Norcross and Mark Jaquith suggest that you put some thought into your selection of plugins. Norcross suggests that you focus on what you’re trying to achieve and then find the right tools to achieve that. A clear idea of what you need helps to sift through all of the tools out there.

And, as Jaquith points out, what you need could actually be in core. “Don’t go crazy and add every one you see that you think might be useful,” he says “Get to know the core software first before you add a bunch of stuff.”

Thanks for input from: Rarst, Andrew Norcross, Mark Jaquith, Emil Uzlec and Sinisa Komlenic.

Know Your WordPress

WordPress and WordPress.com are two different things. Cristi Burcu suggests that you learn the difference between WordPress.org and WordPress.com so that you can decide which one is right for you. In brief:

• WordPress is open source content management system for building and hosting a website on a Web server.
• WordPress.com is a network of blogs that runs on that software.

They are two different entities. If all you want is a blog and aren’t interested in setting up and controlling your own website, then it’s worth checking out WordPress.com.

“It’s free,” says Chris Wallace “and you don’t need to understand any of the technology behind it. In just five minutes, you can be up and running with a shiny new website which has loads of bells and whistles.”

If you want more than a blog, or you want more control, you can use WordPress, the software. When you install the software, you can install any plugins and themes that you want, and have much more control over your website. Plenty of hosts offer one-click installs of WordPress. You can sign up for hosting, click a button and WordPress will be installed via a script. Or, you can sign up for a managed WordPress host like Page.ly, ZippyKid or WP Engine, which come pre-installed with WordPress and specialize in WordPress hosting.

Vid Luther quotes Andrew Spittle, who said “don’t pay less than a shrimp dinner for hosting.”

Thanks for input from: Silviu-Cristian Burcă, Chris Wallace, Vid Luther and me.

Don’t Reinvent The Wheel

Whether you’re building your own themes, starting to build for clients, writing custom functionality or coding plugins, remember that there is a lot of code out there and, since we’re in the WordPress ecosystem, it’s all open source. A great time to start thinking about building upon someone else’s code is when you are building themes.

Christine Rondeau notes that “there are tons of starter themes out there from super stripped down to others full with custom options.” Find one that suits your needs and learn it inside out. This will make it much faster for you to code websites.

(Image source: Zen Sutherland)

This advice filters into any aspect of development. Timothy Wood recommends looking for things that have already been done and finding ways to improve on them.

“The community is full of solutions that are not completed, it is the iterations that improves the solution to be extensible. I believe part of WordPress’s weakness is that a hack is considered a solution because the end goal is the visual or deliverable for implementation. Often the (give back to) community is overlooked in favor of hacking to just get it done.”

By working with other people’s code, instead of in a vacuum, you can help them to improve and give back to the community.

Thanks for input from: Christine Rondeau and Timothy Wood.

Ask For Help

Everyone needs a little bit of help from time to time, and there’s no shame in asking for it.

“There’s no such thing as a dumb question. those of us who have been around a long time have pretty much seen all the questions people ask. We really would be happy to point you in the right direction. Don’t be scared, most of us do not bite.”

That’s from Andrea Rennick, who you’ll often find helping out on the WordPress.org support forums.

As well as the support forums, Syed Balkhi suggests trying WordPress Stack Exchange and Quora. He does mention, however, that these places are staffed by volunteers. People don’t get paid for their time so be nice and polite. Take the time to research your question beforehand. The volunteers will appreciate that you’ve taken the time to do so, and you’ll have a better experience overall. Just landing on a support forum and saying that your website is broken doesn’t help anyone.

And remember, once you’ve gotten help from other people, you can help out by answering questions from others. As Mario Peshev says, “doing support is one of the smoothest ways to gain know-how in a platform and be aware of the common questions and problems.”

Thanks for input from: Andrea Rennick, Mario Peshev and Syed Balkhi.

Find a Mentor

Frederick Townes says that starting a business in open source requires passion for solving a specific problem. He suggests that:

“Early on, make sure you identify mentors that can help you with various aspects of your business as it develops: secure and scalable code, marketing strategy, customer development and support, etc. Be transparent, communities and companies are made up of people, offline relationships make all the difference in not only understanding customer / community needs, but it’s also essential to keep things simple and master the art of creating value.”

Image source: opensourceway.

Finding a mentor will help you to feel less like you’re out on your own, and there’ll be someone there who can provide you with advice, whether that’s on the business or technical side of your business.

Thanks for input from: Frederick Townes.

Make Use Of The APIs

WordPress has a bunch of APIs built to make your life easier. Ryan Hellyer suggests that programmers avoid writing unneeded code logic as much as possible. WordPress has many ways of handling the internal logic and those who don’t use the APIs often end up doing things incorrectly.

Konstantin Koshenin gets into detail about how the APIs offer easy solutions:

“There’s a lot of code in WordPress that is designed to make your life easier. Don’t use cURL or file_get_contents, there’s the HTTP API (wp_remote_* functions). Don’t design your own jobs system, there’s WP_Cron. Don’t do AJAX requests to your PHP files and include wp-load.php, there’s a lot of great stuff to deal with remote requests. Don’t write your own rewrites engine, there’s the powerful WP_Rewrite API. Other APIs to learn: WP_Query, Options API, Transients API, Shortcodes API, (my favorite) Settings API, Caching APIs and the new Customizer and Media APIs.”

WordPress has a lot going on for you to make use of, so it’s crazy to start writing things for yourself before checking out what it has to offer. And as Aaron Campbell says, “reinventing the wheel is not only a waste of time, but more likely to break in the future.”

Thanks for input from: Konstantin Kovshenin, Ryan Hellyer and Aaron Campbell.

Find A Focus

Finding a focus is great advice for anyone who’s out to get work or make a career in the WordPress ecosystem. While there is a lot of work around, the people who do really well are those who find their niche and dominate it.

Boone Gorges points out that this could be a specific market, such as verticals like music or restaurant journalism ,or a technical focus on a specific aspect of WordPress — BuddyPress, Multisite or a specific framework. He says:

“Specialization has lots of benefits. You get to know your part of the codebase, making it faster to do new and interesting things. Getting your work done faster means making more money. Expertise leads to a better reputation, and reputations are easier to earn in a niche market. The better your reputation, the more you can charge. And if your focus is on one of the non-commercial parts of the WP ecosystem, like bbPress or BuddyPress, your expertise will make it possible to get involved in the free software project in ways that might be easier than cracking into WordPress core.”

This type of focus doesn’t apply only to developers. Tammie Lister is right when she says that the “WordPress world would suffer if we were all developers.” Find the thing that you’re good at and specialize in that area — the WordPress room has plenty of space for designers, writers, support pros, entrepreneurs, business people and all the other types who make up the WordPress ecosystem.

Thanks for input from: Boone Gorges and Tammie Lister.

Go To Events

WordCamps and Meetups, or any sort of WordPress event, are a great way to learn more about WordPress. WordCamps are normally large one or two day conferences, sometimes followed by a “hack day” or “dev day” during which developers get together to work on WordPress. They usually have some sort of social element where you can learn more about your WordPress peers.

(Image source: Stefano Coviello)

Meetups are smaller events. They are usually more regular, lasting a few hours with one or two speakers. While WordCamps often have people from all over a country, Meetups are usually focused on a specific local area. You can learn about WordCamps on WordCamp Central, or find some Meetups on Meetup.com.

Brad Williams recommends that developers go to events to meet other developers — he promises that they don’t bite (I will hold him to this promise).

Kim Gjerstad suggests that you find some people to have a beer with:

“It’s good to go out and meet other people and ask their opinion so if you can find a WordCamp or find a WordPress beer after hours, go out and meet people and talk to them. It’s a whole other level of learning when you meet people, and there is so much advice to be given.”

Thanks for input from: Kim Gjerstad and Brad Williams.

Final Words Of Wisdom

• If you want to read just one website for tips to get started with your blog, Paul Gibbs recommends reading WordPress.com’s Get Focused page.
• Seisuke Kuraishi says you should keep WordPress updated, as “this is the easiest way to keep your website secure and bug free.”
• If you’re a blogger, Eric Mann suggests that you reach out. “Blogging is never done in a vacuum.” Comment on other people’s blogs, respond to comments on your own and interact with the community.
• Another one for bloggers, this time from Vid Luther. Focus on your content. “People come to your website to read and consume what you have to say, interesting content is key. Anything else is bike shedding.”
• If you’re starting a WordPress business, start it based on something that you need, says Vladimir Prelovac. “For example a certain plugin functionality, theme niche or a specific service. This way, even if the business does not take off, you will at least satisfy your own need by building it.”

Conclusion

I want to finish this article with some excellent advice from Isaac Keyet. Isaac is the Mobile Group representative at WordPress.org. His advice is applicable to anyone:

“Just jump in. If you have an idea for a great blog or website, set something basic up quickly (there are good free or cheap WordPress hosts out there) and start writing. As you go, you’ll learn more about what works and what doesn’t, as well as what your readers like the most. There really is no time like now, and too many great ideas never see the light of day because their inventor didn’t take that first step.”

Jump in, get started, don’t be afraid and always feel that you can ask for help. The WordPress community is a pretty welcoming place. Find some of the people mentioned in this article and follow them on Twitter; they continue to come up with WordPress advice that you’ll be able to use as you continue your WordPress learning experience.

Hang out in the WordPress chat room, help out on the support forums, go to WordCamps and Meetups. Everyone starts out as a beginner, but with WordPress it’s easy to get far. All you need is a little bit of patience, commitment and enthusiasm. Eventually you’ll be the one offering the advice.

Got any advice of your own? Let us know in the comments!

(cp) (il)

© Siobhan McKeown for Smashing Magazine, 2013.

Last fall everyone's favorite regional mag Texas Monthly underwent a total redesign under the creative direction of TJ Tucker and his team. Seven issues in TJ Tucker gives us some highlights. In part one we got a look at some of the FOB and typographic details. In this second part we get some insight into their feature well and learn what's next for Tucker and his team

On with tour of your departments...what's next?
Tucker:  REPORTER SECTION

Lede: A column featuring alternating viewpoints from the left to the right, on issues of political, cultural, and historical importance. 



Lookout: Designed to give a quick sense of what people will be--and should be--talking about in the month ahead. 



Chat: A monthly newsmaker interview. 



Critter: A full page comic illustration (really an interview) about a Texas animal written and illustrated by the hugely funny Matthew Diffee. 





Columns:  Religion, Sports, Business, Screens, Music, Books...etc.


TX Journal: A literary snapshot of a corner of the state, and it's inhabitants that usually goes unnoticed. 

BACK OF BOOK

The Dining Guide: A new look for the old dining guide. 




The Texanist: Fine Texas advice from associate editor David Courtney. 

FEATURES Tucker: The feature well really hasn't changed all that much. We aimed to keep the energy and voice of the previous design but moved it forward with the introduction of the new margins, folios, and typographic additions.

So how are the readers of the "national magazine of Texas" responding to the new look?
Tucker: It's been mixed of course. Some readers think it's the greatest thing since sliced bread, while others hate it with a passion. The funny thing is, that a lot of the negative responses refer to elements from the old design that we tossed, and I can clearly remember when those elements came under harsh fire with the last redesign. Most people don't like change. They want that familiar old friend in the mailbox or newsstand each month. I don't want our readers to get used to this redesign too quick. It needs to have a shelf life and get more exciting in reader's eyes as time passes. 

What's up next for TM and your crew, getting some sleep finally? Tucker: Not yet, we've been hard at work on the web redesign which launches TODAY and as ever we have some pretty ambitious plans for 2013 when we'll be celebrating 40 incredible years

Creative Director: T. J. Tucker Art Director: Brian Johnson  Photography Editor: Leslie Baldwin Deputy Art Director: Andi Beierman Art Assistant: Nicki Longoria

"Gone were the days of fresh leaves in the Almeida's garden. Gone were her long strolls across the wet and cool green grass. That fateful day, Manuela got condemned to three decades of solitude in a dark dusty place full of crap."

1. Paper

If this is the first time you’ve heard of Paper, I can only assume you live under a rock. Made for the iPad, Paper lets you draw, write, and mix colors on a plain, retina-resolution space. It’s a powerful tool, with many applications for the creative.

2. Coderwall

Coderwall emerged in 2012 as the one-stop shop for designers to share code, answer programming questions, and gather advice. It does more than aggregate activity, however; it also helps designers establish their reputations and strengthen their networks. What are you waiting for? Go join.

3. Ten Paces and Draw

Ten Paces and Draw started in 2011, but it really took off in the past year. It is a platform for illustrators to collaborate through fast and fun weekly challenges. Sketches are made and swapped between new and experienced illustrators alike.

4. Wireframe

Wireframe.cc is a new, minimal wireframing tool that allows you to create simple wireframes of websites and mobile apps. Before you dive into all that HTML, take time to visualize your design with this intuitive tool.

5. Lost Type Co-Op

There are lots of free fonts out there, but Lost Type Co-op is the first ever pay-what-you-want type foundry. Carefully curated, Lost Type won’t make you sort through piles of tacky, knock-off fonts. And if you do decide to pay, you can feel good knowing 100 percent of your hard-earned dough is supporting the font designer.

6. Agile Designers

Agile Designers is updated daily with new resources, design freebies, tutorials, and inspiration. The easily searchable content is voted on and updated by a community of designers, so it functions as a dowsing rod for design trends.

7. Premium Pixels

The resources of one-man graphic design powerhouse Orman Clark, Premium Pixels is full of “free stuff for creative folk.” Hey, that’s you!

8. WordPress Remote

Designers can’t escape WordPress. WordPress Remote now lets you track and manage multiple WordPress sites from one place. Organize your sites into groups, back them up, update themes, take notes, and access the remote from your mobile phone.

9. SlabText

This is a jQuery plugin that creates responsive headlines. Your text will adjust to fit changing viewport sizes while maintaining the original design emphasis and integrity. It’s fun to play with, too.

10. Other Icons

What designer’s list would be complete without icons? This set is like candy – very cool candy. They’re fully scalable too, so go get ’em while you can.

 

 

This is a post from Inspired Magazine. If you like it, you may want to subscribe to our RSS full feed to be updated on every article we're publishing. Also, it's highly recommended to follow us on Twitter!

10 New Websites Every Designer Should Know

Got a few likes on Facebook you wish your friends couldn't see? Here's how to hide them from your friends' view, without missing out on those pages' updates in your news feed. More »

Move over buffalo wings, this hot and cheesy shrimp dip will have everyone going back for more!

Superbowl Sunday is just a few days away! I have tons of skinny appetizer recipes you can make, but I wanted to add one more, because quite honestly, what's football without the buffalo dip!


This was inspired by my Buffalo Chicken Dip, I wanted to try a shrimp version topped with melted cheese, and we loved how it turned out!

Serve this with crudites to keep it light; celery and carrot sticks are the perfect vessel for scooping up the buffalo goodness! You can even add some baked chips to the table, baked pita chips work great. I minced some of the celery leaf for garnish for a little color. Enjoy!


***I made this a second time without the yogurt and I found I liked it better (less liquid), so I am removing the 1/2 cup of yogurt in the recipe below.

Click Here For The Recipe...

Pamela Prindle, 26, who has no boyfriend and who works in the accounting department of the Angel Fire resort in New Mexico, gave similar reasons for spending “a good portion of her day” on her Pinterest board titled “I’m single but still planning my wedding.” – New York Times, 1/27/13

1. "Sonia Richardson, 88, who gets food stuck in her dentures, maintains an elaborate scrapbook of exquisite beauties of the silent movie era."

3. "Josh Barbery, 42, who is bald, recently placed fourth in his age division at the Denver Marathon."

4. "David Kennedy, 14, who has cystic acne, is the face of his high school's gay-straight alliance."

5. "Ellen Hartfield, 38, who cannot parallel park, likes to read articles about high-performance cars in men's magazines."

---

See more posts by Nicole Cliffe

114 comments

My very first same sex wedding invite! And my second bff to marry another lady. Congrats you two!! Abigail I’m assuming did the design. Damn charming!

This is a guest article by Matt Russell.

Using custom fonts is a fantastic way to help create a unique look for your site. There are currently a number of different methods for embedding fonts onto a website several of which rely on paid third party services.

This tutorial details how to use the @font-face expression on a WordPress site to embed a font stored locally rather than by any premium solution such as Typekit or Google Webfonts.

To keep things simple I will be using a fresh WordPress install with the default twentyeleven theme, though this method is applicable for any theme. This is how the site looks before changes have been made.

1. Select A Font

I will be using the free Carbon Block font. With any free or premium font it is worth checking the terms and conditions to see if it is eligible for use on your site.

There is not currently a standardised file type for embeddable fonts across browsers with older versions of Internet Explorer using the proprietary .eot format and iPhones using .svg. Most modern browsers do support Web Open Font Format (WOFF) and TrueType (TTF) but to ensure that the widest possible variety of devices will display the font correctly, multiple formats need to be available.

2. Convert The Font to @Font-Face

It is possible to convert a font to all the needed formats yourself however it is far simpler to use Squirrels @font-face generator. This will convert your chosen font to all the formats needed and will generate the CSS code you will require.

You will need your chosen font in .ttf or .otf format. After adding your font to the generator with the “Add Fonts” button select optimal and tick the agreement. You will be able to download a .zip file with the font formats required, a .css file and an .html test file where you can check the font is being rendered correctly. The .css file will look something like below.

This code is almost ready to use, font-family can be changed to whatever you would like the refer to the font as in the stylesheet, though leaving it as the font name can help avoid confusion if you start to use multiple custom fonts. The src is the location for the font which you may want to change, I will cover this later.

3. Upload Font Files To Your Site

The next step is uploading the font to your site, first make sure you backup the theme you will be to adding the font to. The four files you need to upload are the .eot, .svg, .woff, and .ttf formats from the downloaded .zip file. The fonts should be uploaded to the base directory of you chosen WordPress theme.

4. Edit Source Location

I have put the fonts in a folder named “fonts” folder to keep things neat, though this requires some changes to the @font-face code. “fonts/” has to be added to the beginning of each font location as in the example below.

5. Define Back-Up Fonts

The code can now be included in the beginning of the sites stylesheet and referenced as any standard font would be. It is important to include some additional fonts in case for some reason the browser is unable to display the local one.

Once included, the custom font should now display across a wide variety of browsers.

6. Custom Font Installation Complete

If you switch themes frequently but want to keep the font then you should upload the font files to the “/public_html” folder of your WordPress site. The new stylesheet will of course need to be updated with the @font-face code, with the difference being that the src uses an exact URL.

Do you have a preferred method for implementing custom fonts or know any other useful tools? Let us know in the comments.

–

This post was written by Matt Russell MD of WebHostingBuzz, who offer Shared, Reseller, and VPS web hosting services. You can follow them on Twitter @webhostingbuzz.

“Avoid compulsively making things worse.”
- Debbie Millman

Debbie was interviewed in The Great Discontent. Read it here.

[AUDIO NOTE: I performed this piece this past weekend at Anna David's True Tales of Lust and Love (also starring Melissa Villasenor, Morgan Walsh, and Claire Titelman.) I highly recommend listening to this tale in all its mortifying glory -- it's better with the sound of an audience screech-laughing in horror. Here's the link to the recording of the show. (On iTunes here in the 11/12 show.) I'm the third story.]

[WARNING: This story is not for the squeamish.]

So I’m super pregnant. And with that comes all these horrible things. Like, I can’t feel my fingertips – haven’t been able to in weeks. It’s carpal tunnel, it apparently happens to pregnant women, and it’s shitty. My gums bleed when I brush my teeth, I’ve lost all the hair on my arms, I am down to one position in bed where I can sleep without my legs going numb, I’ve got this cold I’m not allowed to take anything for other than hot baths and pity parties, and there’s a parasite that lives inside of me that absorbs all of my nutrients. Or as my El Salvadorian housekeeper likes to say: “Your baby is stealing your beauty.”

But it’s been pretty rough lately. The other week in the space of an hour I had to put my beloved sixteen-year old cat to sleep, and then I called my mom to cry to her but instead she told me about five other horrible things that were happening in my family and I got a call in the middle of that from my doctor to inform me that I have gestational diabetes.

And I realize this is like the poor man’s Tig Notaro right here. “Thank you, I have gestational diabetes. Thank you.” But I’m telling you this because it factors into the story.

I have gestational diabetes – “Sir, I’ll be okay, it’s okay. It’s just gestational diabetes.” – but it means I have to test my blood by pricking my finger four times a day and I have to eat these special meals five times a day and I can’t sleep because it makes my body go numb and my husband is out of town and my cat is dead and I’m eating saltines and string cheese for lunch and I have to perform a bloodletting every four hours and I’m NOT ALLOWED SCOTCH so my friend and I go for a nice, long massage.

We went to this place I’d been to a few times in my neighborhood. It’s no-frills, but tries to be serene and namaste and has that co-ed quiet room where we all sit uncomfortably in robes waiting our turn, pretending we aren’t all sitting together with nothing separating our naked bodies but two robes and a pile of In Touch Magazines.

This place doesn’t have individual rooms, so you’re in this big room with tents that separate, like a dark funhouse. And I never like the separated tents, because you end up listening to someone else’s massage, because inevitably there’s that person who has no concept of other people who’s like, “Ungh! Yeah. That’s it. Ooooooffffunh.”

So the guy leads me to my tent section, tells me to take off my robe and climb up on the table and that he’ll be right back. So I do, even though it’s very difficult to climb up on a massage table when you’re eight months pregnant, but I manage to sort of shuffle-scoot between the sheet and the heavy blanket and as I scoot I realize, I’m wet.

I’m wet but also, it’s like I found a spot I didn’t dry off somehow after I took my shower. But I know that’s not possible, because I showered more than fifteen minutes ago. But it’s dark in there, and I’m already on my side, so I kind of rub at where I’m wet, which is all around this part here of my hips and butt and I’m like, “This is kind of like a gel, maybe I got into some lotion or… but I don’t know. I can’t feel my fingers, so I’m not sure what I’m touching here. So maybe I’ll just smell it.

And it smells like semen.

And that is because it is semen.

Let me tell you what happens to you at this point. First of all, I’m sure natural instinct is to flip the fuck off that table. But it took me almost thirty seconds to even get INTO this position, and I’m several feet off the ground so there’s no flinging this body anywhere, so I sort of sit up on my knees, and I’m trying to see in the dark but it looks like – yes, I’m rolling around in a spunk puddle, and it’s on my hands and it’s on my body and it’s in front of me and –-

Basically what happened is my brain split in half and began trying to reason with itself.

“No, this can’t be what is happening.”
“It is. Try not to freak out, but you are covered in anonymous sperm.”
“No, no. That’s not. No, maybe we should just lie back down and go to sleep. Maybe we’re sleeping and this is all a dream!“

And the masseuse opens the curtain at this point and sees me naked on my knees, giant tits and belly facing him and he’s like, “Do you need more time?” And I’m like, “Uh! Um… no, it’s just… uh… there’s something…“ – you guys, I don’t know what made me want to be polite in this situation, maybe it was the Enya or the romantic lighting, but mostly I was thinking of all the other people in their tents around me and while part of me is like “NO, I NEED YOU TO COME IN HERE AND DEAL WITH THE FACT THAT I AM COVERED IN JIZZ.”

But instead I’m like, “Uh, there’s something on the bed here and I’m… it’s not… well, I think it’s… from a man. Don’t smell it.”

There’s the advice I give out. “Hey, don’t smell this. You’re welcome.”

So the masseuse comes into the tent to investigate and at the same time I pull up the blanket to shield myself, and then I realize it’s all over the blanket too because I’ve been just rolling around in it, so now it’s who knows where, and I drop the blanket and just naked flop out of the bed going, “I’m just going to wash my hands while you… um… I think maybe I should wash my hands.”

The masseuse is inspecting the sheets, and this is where some part of my brain is like, “Wait, what if your water broke? What if that’s all it is? Or just some kind of wet spot you made when you got on the bed? Or what if this is just another wondrous part of pregnancy?

‘When did you get your pre-sperm? That’s magical. I ate mine with my placenta.’

What if this is all your fault and came out of you? Then you are going to feel like such an idiot.”

Just as I go to inspect between my legs some rational part of my brain screams, “STOP! DO NOT TOUCH YOURSELF. YOUR HUSBAND IS OUT OF TOWN AND WHILE YOU CAN’T GET PREGNANT AGAIN RIGHT NOW DO YOU REALLY WANT TO STICK YOUR FINGER INSIDE YOURSELF CONSIDERING WHAT IT HAS JUST BEEN TOUCHING?” And I am grateful for that part of my brain.

I go wash my hands, and I find my friend, and I’m still feeling like somehow I need to do something. I stammer to her, “I don’t… I don’t really. Um. I need some advice.” Like I’m calling Martha Stewart. “Hi, I’m naked and covered in jizz. Club soda or…?”

So I tell my friend what happened, and this is how you know she’s a good friend. She goes, “Okay, well, that’s disgusting and so we are leaving right now.”

And here’s how you know she’s a great friend. Because I go, “Really? Man, I was kind of looking forward to a massage.”

And she doesn’t even bat an eye, she’s just like, “Okay, yeah, then you’re getting a massage. But you’re getting a fucking great massage. Let’s go talk to the manager.”

So we’re in the front area, which is not where people in robes are supposed to be, and we’re explaining what happened, and the masseuse finds us out here and he looks pale as he says, “Yeah, that guy who was just in there needs to be X’ed. It’s everywhere in there. It soaked all the way through to every sheet.” And the manager explains to me that they put twelve sheets down in the morning on the tables, and as each client leaves they pull back a sheet or two and then move on. And my friend and I are like, “Oh. Okay.” All CSI. “As long as we know why this happened. Okay, then. Alright.” Somehow this placates us.

The manager tells me to take a shower while they prepare a new room for me. I go take a cold shower, because the water wasn’t warm anymore at this point and I’m trying to Silkwood myself but mostly I’m just thinking, “That sheet had not been changed. I was rolling around in a lake and this guy’s trying to make me think this was two sheets down? No.”

The manager meets me in the quiet room and he’s like, “Again, so sorry. The owner isn’t here, but after your massage you and I can talk and we’ll figure out what to do about the situation, but please just… try to enjoy your massage.”

So I climb onto a new table and I have the same masseuse and he’s mortified and I’m mortified and it is awkward. But I use this time to think about what to do. I am momentarily proud of myself for not running from that place screaming, because I need to get my head straight and figure out my rights.

“Okay. I’m going to make sure we file an incident report, and we’re going to sign things and agree on what happened and maybe I can get that guy’s name so I can find out if he has… if he has any STDs because okay, I can’t get pregnant, but, can I get syphilis? Hepatitis? At least one of the heps, right? That seems possible. What could I have maybe just given this baby? Do I need to call the doctors today? Will they make me get an emergency c-section because I’m a risk?”

And this is when I remember that moments before I went to get my massage, I gave myself a blood sugar test. Right before I walked into that room, I pricked my finger with a needle and bled on a stick. And then used that same hand to scoop up some jizz and sniff it.

I am trying not to panic, but I am convinced that I have just become an urban legend. “Welcome to the wonderful world of AIDS!” “Did you hear about the woman who got AIDS when she was completely alone?”

I’m feeling very sorry for myself at this point and quite worried and I just want to mention that this guy was giving me a terrible massage. He’s skipping around, not really doing any part that – well, now that I think about it, he skipped any part that had come in contact with the semen, which is smart, really – but he’s kind of half-assing it and sniffing constantly and I don’t want to open my eyes because I’m now convinced that he’s crying and rubbing my thighs, thinking about how he just gave his last handjob in the back of this day spa and now this pregnant lady has ruined his life.

And then he says we’re done. And let me tell you, not only was that massage shitty and I thought about AIDS the entire time, but he stopped it at thirty minutes instead of the full hour. The injustices just keep coming.

Then I’m putting my clothes back on when the receptionist comes up to me and gives me this huge hug. She says, “You are a beautiful goddess creating life in your most special vessel. I am so sick for you. This is the most disgusting thing… I’m so insulted… I’m mortified for you. How you could even just…? And your baby…I don’t know how you’re surviving.” So I got away from her.

The manager takes me to this back room, sits down next to a stack of blank gift certificates and says, “We don’t really have anything in place to do when something like this happens because something like this has never happened.” So I tell him I’d like to file a report and I’d like the client’s name in case I end up coming down with gestational herpes. I mean, am I supposed to call the cops? “Ma’am, can you describe the ejaculate that came into contact with your ridiculously pregnant body? Any distinguishing characteristics? Wait. Did you smell it? We maybe have somewhere to go if you smelled it.”

The guy’s like, “Well, I don’t think we can give you the client’s name, but know that he’s not allowed here anymore. We have his record, we can see his past history and anything he’s done here before –” WHICH MAKES ME THINK THIS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE “–but why don’t you write down what happened and I’ll email it to you and that way you have a record of it?” And I say, “I don’t need you to email me my own writing on what happened. That means nothing. I’m going to write a statement, you’re going to write a statement, we’re going to both sign it and then I’m going to call my doctors and see what we need to do next.” I’m being very official here and I’m kind of pissed that they aren’t more appreciative that I’m not just running around through the quiet room screaming, “THIS PLACE IS MADE OF SEMEN!”

So we write these things up and then his computer crashes and then I have to get behind his desk and try to find the documents, but it turns out he hadn’t saved them, so we have to write it all over again and then print it and sign it and I’ve written this very detailed, very clinical version of events, trying not to use all caps at any point, and I’m writing times and dates and my name and then I look down and this guy’s written:

“Male client before pregnant lady client ejaculated everywhere and she got it all up on her.”

I mean, yeah, I guess that’s all that happened.

I take all the cash I have in my wallet, which is like twelve bucks or something, and I say, “This is all I have, but you can give it to the masseuse…” And the manager waves it away. “Please, ma’am, no. Of course you don’t have to do that,” he says. And I very stoically put my money away as he says, “We are just so sorry about this. You’re a loyal client and we’d hate to lose your future business over this, so just to make everything a little less stressful for you, and to apologize for things, we’d like to offer you a fifty percent discount on the massage you just had.”

And I just went, “Well, no, I won’t be paying that.”

And he goes, “Right, yes, of course.”

And sometimes, you guys, when I think back over this, that becomes the biggest injustice of this entire story! And yes, I realize my thirty-minute shitty massage came with a free ass facial, but I still can’t believe ON ANY LEVEL that they thought I’d pay for this! And if he didn’t want to accept the tip is it because THEY KNOW that guy was jacking someone off right before I went in there? WHY DO WE LET THINGS BE CO-ED? WHY IS SPERM ALLOWED TO JUST BE WHEREVER? Check under your table, ladies! If you find any semen, please let the bartender know so you can get half off your martini.

So I go outside and call my husband and do the Clare Danes ugly cry, spitting out words like, “Semen man touching hips baby AIDS whyyyyyy.” And he calms me down and says, “You took a shower, right? Right after? Did you get it all?” And I’m like, “I DON’T KNOW! I haven’t been able to see nor touch it all in quite some time!”

My friend comes out from her massage and was like, “Yo, you know I Helen Kellered the shit out of my massage table before I got up there.” She also mentions that as a gay lady, she’s never been in contact with sperm before. “I wouldn’t have known what it was. Pam, I might have been like, ‘Oh, this must be a nice masque.’”

I call my OB/GYN and my doctor. But of course, I’ve got to tell this story to the receptionist so she can tell the doctor, and you know that yes, these women have heard it all, but they haven’t heard this. And I can tell by the way they’re taking down notes. “Imm him…And was this a massage parlor or…were you someplace… else?” One receptionist was just like, “Girl, ew. We will call you back.”

But I can’t wait. I need answers now. I’m a pretty good Googler. I can find most things on the Internet and get you an answer right away, but this one posed a particularly new challenge. Not only did I appear to be the only person this had ever happened to, I couldn’t really land on the right search words. I can tell you, without hesitation, that it’s best never to Google “ANONYMOUS SPERM ON MY ASS.”

The owner of the spa calls, telling me that they plan on changing how they do things in the tents from now on, like having lights back there and maybe not doing the sheet thing. “I’d rather not involve the police,” he says. “I mean, it’s not like the client broke the law, anyway, and I’m not sure what they can do.”

Then one of the nurses calls me and says, “The doctor would like to know why you’re rolling around on a table full of semen.” And I say, “TELL HIM THAT’S NOT HOW I NORMALLY SPEND MY SATURDAYS.”

I call the LA County something or other that deals with spas and this guy acts like I’m prank calling from a radio station. “Hey! We don’t deal with that kind of stuff,” he huffs. “We check pools and hot tubs. Whatever you do when you’re in those rooms is at your own risk.” Like there’s nothing more shady than a pre-natal massage.

The first doctor calls and he can’t even hide that he’s laughing. “Talk about an unhappy beginning! HO HO HO.” My other doctor says, “Look, you’re probably fine. And besides, anything you could possibly contract from this won’t show up for a couple of months, anyway.” And I ask, “Is that supposed to make me feel better?” And he goes, “Just try to relax and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.”

I email the owner, trying to sound very stricken with grief, letting him know that the doctors say it’s “too soon to tell” and that I am concerned about the safety of his establishment. I make a few recommendations. I casually mention that I’d recently bought some gift certificates for some friends and now we’re all too uncomfortable to use them, and I don’t know if I’m willing to come back to this spa. I’m dropping sixteen hints because you guys I don’t know why I want him to offer me free massages for life, but it seems like the only thing that makes sense! Fuck Yelp– I could get on Facebook and contact the mega-mommies in this crazy neighborhood I’m in and that place would be shut down in seconds, and this guy hasn’t even offered me ANYTHING in exchange for what I just went through? THAT MAN HAS STILL NOT WRITTEN ME BACK OR CALLED! WHERE IS THE JUSTICE?! WHY DON’T I GET TO JUST COME ALL OVER SOMEONE’S DAY?

I tell a friend of mine about all of this, and after she finishes being horrified she starts laughing. “I’m sorry. But you really had an Ultimate White Lady Problem in that room, getting your feet rubbed, pan flutes playing, wondering if you just gave your baby AIDS through your butt.”

I tell her I’m maybe going to tell this story tonight, here, because I still feel like I have to do something, and she says, “Just for a second, I’d like you to stop and think about whether or not you want this to be the legacy of your gestation. Do you really want to possibly be known forever as the Pre-Natal Massage Spunk Lady?”

And I realized: yes, I do.

Because I have to believe this all happened for a reason. When there’s no recourse, nothing I can do— NOT EVEN ONE DAMN FREE MASSAGE, BY THE WAY. THAT I MIGHT NOT HAVE USED, AND IF I DID I WOULDN’T TELL ANYONE ABOUT. But I have to believe that this happened to make me do something. That yes, I’m a beautiful vessel creating life even as we’re all sitting here together, but I’m also falling apart and in a lot of pain and I really can’t feel my fingers and I have to think, I have to believe that this all happened because I am the chosen one, sent here to tell the world:

LIFE IS GROSS. CARRY A FLASHLIGHT.

Thank you.

[If you'd like to hear my past piece for Anna David's True Tales, you can download the podcast on iTunes. It's the August show with Maria Bamford, Elizabeth Laime and Christie Nittrouer. (I think I'm third in that show, too. It's about my awkward sexual encounters during my teenage years.)]

apsies:

THIS FAMILY.

I wait until my kids and husband go to bed. I wait ten extra minutes just in case. Then I take my new book out of the bag: Family Violence: Legal, Medical and Social Perspectives.

It’s a textbook organized by types of violence. The only light on in the house is the one next to the sofa where I curl up to read.

I flip through pages: Neglect, sexual abuse, ritual abuse. Everything is here.

I pause at physical abuse. There are lists of signs. Inconsistent stories from caretakers. Belt marks. Hand prints.

Burns are most common for kids under three. I think of my burn. How old was I? I was older, because I could walk to the doctor’s office by myself.

I read more. Kids hurt themselves doing normal, every day activities. They bruise themselves when they bump or fall on bony parts of their body: elbow, knee, forehead. The book says to look for marks on fleshy parts where kids would not fall or bump: the underside of an arm, the area around the genitals.

I shut the book. I can’t read more. It is 11pm. I should go to bed but I can’t because I don’t know what would go through my head during that time from when my head touches the pillow and my brain goes to sleep. Anything could come up. Some nights I stay up so late, get myself so tired, that I don’t remember the moment between putting my head on the pillow and falling asleep. Those are my best nights.

I walk around the house cleaning. Waiting until I can pick up the book again. I have twenty emails to answer. I have three business plans to review. I have a magazine article to write. I am not doing that. I am doing something else, but if you asked me what I’m doing I would not know.

It’s midnight and I sit down on the sofa to read again. I flip through random spots in the book so I’m sort of reading and sort of getting ready to stop reading.

There are six pages of burns.

I stare at the pages. I have a scar from a burn. It’s so prominent that it’s on my passport as an identifying mark: on the inside of the upper right thigh. I can remember filling out the passport form. I remember one of my parents – I don’t know which one – reminding me that I can fill in the section about scars. I remember thinking I didn’t know they knew I had a scar there. Or I didn’t know we acknowledge it. I just remember thinking, really? We are going to put that on my passport?

Everyone said that the iron fell on me. I pulled the iron off the ironing board and it fell on me.

But just now, this late in life, I realize that an eight-year-old cannot pull an iron off an ironing board and hit the inside of her thigh. And, even if it did, somehow, hit the inside of my thigh, how could it have been there long enough to give me a third-degree burn?

I went to the doctor’s office after school for weeks. The burn was disgusting and she treated it with yellow stuff and gauze. For a few weeks, the doctor was there for me every day after school, and I got a lollipop after each redressing of the wound. If I rearranged things in my head I could tell myself that my life was getting normal because someone was meeting me after school and giving me an after school snack.

No one questioned whether or not I pulled the iron. We all just kept saying that I pulled the iron down. I do not have any idea what happened.

But here’s what I know: my ability to see abuse is really limited.

I am terrified that I have no judgement for how to parent. I’m terrified that abuse seems full of nuance and I don’t see it. I don’t understand how people learn what is abuse, and my kids are growing up. It’s getting too late.

I answer emails at 2am, 3am. My kids see me nap in the day so often that they tell people I sleep all the time.

At this point I don’t have a work schedule because I need a clear head to work, with lots of room to think, but as soon as I get that, bad thoughts might come. Which makes me almost scared to clear room in my life to do work. I walk around worrying that a thought will come up that I can’t get rid of.

But the truth is that I’m operating at about half my ability because I let myself be unproductive. I tell myself I’m special so I can stay up all night and then not function during the day. I tell myself I have that burn on my thigh. Or the scar on my eyebrow, or the nail in my heart. Whatever it is. That’s why I tell myself I don’t have to function like a normal person.

But that’s more sad than all the stories hidden in my head. The saddest story is thinking you’re special, you’re different, you’re too messed up to take responsibility for adult life. It is not interesting to be the messed up person who never goes to sleep. All people who think they’re special in their fucked-up ways are boring. They are boring because they use the idea that they are special to excuse them from meeting the regular struggles of adult life, like getting enough sleep and being accountable for a to do list.

I can only let myself buy books about family violence and tell stories about my messed up childhood if I’m not going to let it derail me. There are milestones I need to hit throughout the day: make breakfast at a normal time, don’t leave dishes in the sink. Answer the phone for a scheduled call. Meet writing deadlines. Follow through on promises to the kids even if it means playing Go Fish.

It’s so easy to say you’re different and special. It’s much harder to hold yourself to the standards most adults hold themselves to.

So what am I doing to stop acting like I’m crazy and absolved from adult life? Going to sleep before midnight. It’s a small step, but making small, intentional behavioral change is what works to create bigger, more substantive change.

 

"Corporations often change their interiors dramatically, especially over the course of 40 years. But at the former Ebony/Jet building, Johnson saw to it that things were maintained, replaced, re-milled or remade with exactly what was there when the building was completed." —And that was in 1972, my friends.

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Not sure where he found it but this 1887 December & January Star Map Nicholas Felton posted sure is beautiful.

By Rebecca D. Martin

When we moved into our last house, the first piece of furniture we bought was a sofa, big, comfy, and at the top of our price range. We promised each other that, if we let ourselves buy it, we’d commit to filling it with friends. We would open our home. We would give the sofa back, in a way. Share it with others. My husband and I are introverts with big ideas and true intentions.

A year and a half later, we bought a used dining table, full of chipped-up charm. By then, our illusions had shrunk to a manageable reality, and we made no promises about numbers or chairs or dinner guests. The reality was that I had moved four times in five years. I was worn down by building new relationships in each new city. So for long, long stretches, both sofa and table held only the two—and then the three—of us, resting weary together after long weeks of working, mothering, and missing friends in other towns.

Did we fail? Did we fall clean over our good intentions of being hospitable? It probably depends on who you ask, but if you ask me, the question itself is the wrong one. Hospitality is, after all, about people. It isn’t about meeting a year-end friend quota. It isn’t about succeeding or failing. It’s about sharing life. And life can be downright messy, complex at the best of times, convoluted or worse at the most difficult. In this life, we put down roots where we can, but who knows which way they’ll grow? We intend to stretch out arms of wide welcome, but we end up reaching for help and support or comfort and calm, instead.

And now here we are again: another move, another home. The sofa settles comfortably into the new living room, and I pop out the dining table leaves to give them a good wipe-down. We think with hope about the people we will meet in this new city and what friends might fill these seats. Our intentions are true. But our expectations are open. We’ve learned that relationships will grow in their own way. Community will develop where it’s able, when it’s needed.

In the meantime, our job as a family is to put down roots and grow strong together. We sit down around the weathered dining table, join our tired grownup hands with soft, sweet, chubby ones, and offer thanks for what we have right at this moment. Just the three of us: it is a good place to start.

It’s your own fault, for being timeless.
All the Rowboats by Regina Spektor
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HTML5 offers plenty of potential for web designers and developers, especially when combined with CSS3. The possibilities of HTML5 are exciting, and many designers/developers have been creating amazing things that weren’t possible with HTML and CSS in the past.

The life and career of a web designer/developer requires learning new techniques rather frequently due to changes in technology, and HTML5 is no exception. This post will serve as a guide to help you find tutorials and resources that will allow you to improve your own skills with HTML5.

Here’s a collection of HTML5 tutorials, resources & tips to help you understand HTML5.

HTML5 Tutorials:

Design & Code a Cool iPhone App Website in HTML5

Have a Field Day with HTML5 Forms

Coding An HTML 5 Layout From Scratch

Code a Backwards Compatible, One Page Portfolio with HTML5 and CSS3

Bouncing a Ball Around with HTML5 and JavaScript

Creating a 3D Animated Box HTML5 WebGL Photo Slideshow

Coding Up a Web Design Concept into HTML & CSS

An HTML5 Slideshow w/ Canvas & jQuery

HTML5 for Beginners. Use it now, its easy!

Touch The Future: Create An Elegant Website With HTML 5 And CSS3

Create a Typography Based Blog Layout in HTML5

How to Make an HTML5 iPhone App

Triangle mesh for 3D objects in HTML5

HTML5 Clocks Tutorial

 

HTML5 Resources:

HTML 5 Cheat Sheet (PDF)

HTML 5 Visual Cheat Sheet by Woork

HTML5 for Web Designers

HTML5 Please

HTML5 Tips:

28 HTML5 Features, Tips, and Techniques you Must Know

HTML5 Unleashed: Tips, Tricks and Techniques

The Power of HTML 5 and CSS 3

About the Author:

This is a guest post by Ainsley Bevis, founder of Bloom Web Design, where you’ll find web design article, tutorials, resources, inspirations & tips.

These tartlets are super fun! 

Filled with delicious herbs and cottage cheese, topped with tomatoes and spinach. 

They are filling and quite delicious served along side roasted tomato soup. 

They make a great side for a salad dinner, or would be great as a Super Bowl appetizer! 

We will certainly make these again!

Savory Tartlets – Inspired by Becky

Ingredients

• 1 C white whole wheat flour
• 1/2 tsp. baking powder
• 1/8 tsp. salt
• 1/4 C Parmesan cheese (shredded)
• 2 T butter
• 1.5 oz cream cheese {Neufchatel preferred}
• 1/4 C milk + additional, 1 tsp. at a time
• 2 C cottage cheese
• 2 tsp. minced garlic
• 1 tsp. basil
• 1/2 tsp. parsley
• 1/2 C fresh spinach
• 1/2 C grape or cherry tomatoes, halved
• Olive oil

Directions

In a large bowl, combine 1 C white whole wheat flour with 1/2 tsp. baking powder and 1/8 tsp. salt.  Stir to combine. 

Stir in 1/4 C shredded Parmesan cheese.  Be a little generous here. 

Using a grater, grate 2 T butter into the flour mixture.  Stir. 

Then, using a fork, cut in 1.5 oz cream cheese. 

Slowly add in 1/4 C milk to the flour cheese mixture.  Stir until clumps form, and dough is slightly moist.  Add additional moisture 1 tsp. at a time. 

Using your hands, gently knead the dough until it mostly sticks together. 

Divide the dough in half. 

Lightly flour a flat surface and turn the dough out onto that surface.  Roll each half of dough into a medium (about 6-8 inches) circle. 

In a medium bowl, mix together 2 C cottage cheese.  Stir in herbs (2 tsp. minced garlic, 1 tsp. basil and 1/2 tsp. parsley).  Mix well. 

Divide the cottage cheese mixture in half, and spread each half over the one pastry. Spread until you are about 1/2 – 3/4 inches away from the edge of the dough.

Layer each with spinach leaves and halved tomatoes. 

Sprinkle with additional herbs if desired. 

Carefully lift up and slightly overlay four sides of the circle so that your tartlet is kind of wrapped. 

You can take the star approach (above, and back image below), or make more of a square (front image, below).  To make the star, you’ll want to wrap up 5 “edges”, 4 for the square. 

Place on a cookie sheet.  You may wish to line the cookie sheet with parchment, tinfoil or a baking mat. 

Lightly spray the pastry with olive oil.  We used our Misto to lightly mist the pastry edges.  

Bake at 425 for 22-30 minutes until edges are slightly browned. 

Note: the moisture from the cottage cheese will spill out while cooking – that’s OK!  The longer the tartlets cook, the more water will evaporate.  This is why it’s good to have lined your cookie sheet.  

Slice & serve. 

Serves 4-5 people; 2 slices each.  124 cal/slice, 4.4g fat. 
If served as an appetizer & sliced into 8ths, each slice is 78 cals & 2.5g fat. 

To reheat leftovers, place in a toaster oven or regular oven and heat until warmed through.  Enjoy!

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A lot of people are funny about brussles sprouts. If you don’t believe me, try bringing a plate of them to an office potluck and see what happens. I’m done trying to figure out why, but I’m sure it has to do in most cases with somekind of childhood trauma. My standing theory is that if you don’t like brussles sprouts, you’ve just never had them cooked correctly. Or in the case of this raw brussles sprouts salad, not cooked at all!

These sweet mini cabbages are great eaten raw – extra crunchy and refreshing. And separating the leaves is not only beautiful, but makes them perfect little cradles for dressing and all the other good stuff in this salad. Brussles are tight little bundles so I find that the best way to separate them is to trim their bases off to loosen them at the joint a little. The outer leaves are typically beat up and tough so you can toss those, and then just proceed to unfold each little cabbage one or two leaves at a time. Reserve the very centers for another use if they are too tight to open up.

To brighten these babies up I went with a tangy dressing made with lemon and fresh tarragon as well as a hint of Dijon mustard for extra depth. You can whip up the dressing with a whisk or take it a step further by tossing all the ingredients into a food processor or blender for a fluffier textured dressing.

The pepitas are nice because they’re such a tender seed, which is nice here since the brussles are already crunchy enough. The avocado and goat cheese soften and smooth things out in all the right places, unfolding and coating each raw leaf as you work your way through the salad.

I’ve made a couple versions of this salad – with goat cheese and without, with apple and without. Good both ways. I will say that the paper-thin slices of apple are a great base layer on your serving platter because they’re hidden at first glance, but make for a lovely sweet and juicy surprise to complement everything else.

And this is why I don’t like to use messages.  Or the phone.  Or the vacuum.

I’m the one in blue.

 

 

PS.  The cat is fine. My ego is bruised.  My phone is grounded.  My friends get me a little too well.  It’s disconcerting.  And awesome.