I’ve been pregnant twice. The first time it happened I chose to have an abortion. I was too young to be a single mother so I did what I felt I had to do, and I did so without regret. The second time around, I didn’t know I was pregnant until I miscarried alone at home. My then-husband tried to reassure me by reminding me that we didn’t want children. We didn’t talk much about what happened. It was for the best, that much was understood. The days after passed in a blur. I remember going over to my father’s house after I got medical confirmation. He and his wife sat down with my husband and I and we all agreed, this was for the best. Of course it was. I went to bed early that night. I remember lying in bed in the dark listening to music. Beyoncé’s “Heaven” came on my shuffle rotation and I just lost it. For the first time since it happened, I let myself cry. When my husband came in the room and found me crying to Beyoncé, he laughed. I told him I was crying for the child we lost. He told me I’d been there before. “That’s different,” I said. “That time I got to choose.” I don’t think he understood the distinction.
I left him two months later.
I met Alex by chance. He called me beautiful. It was the only time I had ever believed that compliment.
I didn’t feel beautiful but I wanted to. I wanted to believe him. When I looked in the mirror, I wanted to see what he saw. I wanted to be able to say, “I am beautiful” and believe it. So I started taking self-portraits and I didn’t shy from showing off my stretchmark covered belly. Other women really responded to it and soon I was taking pictures of other people and now photography has become my life.
These marks remind me of what I lost and all I’ve gained since. They tell my story. They are my tiger stripes. They mark my strength, my ability to survive, and to let go.
-Kathryn
@kathrynlouiseh photographed by @aboothinthemidwest for @thekintsugipictures
June, 2016
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