Duane

Read more...

ST. LOUIS—Offering more affordable fare for the animals rotting away in cages, Purina on Monday debuted new Slovenly Feast for nasty-ass shelter cats. “With the flavors these scraggly, half-dead felines have come to expect, Slovenly Feast is the perfect meal for shelter cats,” said spokesperson Linda Brashear, adding…

Read more...

WASHINGTON—Revealing that newly discovered ads and online articles could have been part of a coordinated campaign, a startling new report released Friday found evidence that Democrats may have attempted to influence the 2016 presidential election. “Although it’s unclear if the efforts had any impact, it seems…

Read more...

Poor, poor Mario...









See more: Just Keep Jumping

NEW YORK—Releasing the records in hopes of reducing automobile accidents nationwide, 1-800-EAT-SHIT on Tuesday finally published decades of reckless-driving data. “These documents catalogue millions of reported moving violations from the sticker’s debut in 1987 and provide valuable information that hopefully will help keep everyone safer on the road,” said head researcher Lydia Cattalone, explaining that the reports based on the hotline calls, breaking down the frequency with which motorists forgot to signal, sped through toll booths, and cut other drivers off over a 30-year period, could potentially decrease automobile deaths by up to 15 percent. “When we first proposed the idea of a bumper sticker as a means of data collection, it was considered rather unorthodox, but it has paid off with a massive repository of vital information. We, of course, would like to thank all of our volunteer respondents, whose passionate and consistent reporting made the whole ...

#HappyBirthday to GOES! The @NOAASatellites geostationary satellite network was born #OTD in 1975 with the launch of GOES 1. #GoingGoingGone pic.twitter.com/09sSASjBOJ

— NASA History Office (@NASAhistory) October 16, 2017

A sample Visible (0.65 µm) image from GOES-1 is shown below (courtesy of Tim Schmit, NOAA/NESDIS/ASPB and the SSEC Data Center), after the satellite had been positioned over the Indian Ocean to support the Global Atmospheric Research Program. The first GOES-1 image was broadcast on 25 October 1975.

NEW YORK—Saying she needed to stand up to the prominent individual for whom she works and “make [her] voice heard,” local woman Ashley Wellig reportedly came forward this week with the first allegations of 2036’s biggest sexual harassment scandal. “This morning I filed a complaint with HR about my boss’s inappropriate and predatory behavior,” said Wellig, whose accusations against the powerful and well-known figure, along with those of dozens of other women that will be filed in the months and years to come, will in two decades’ time spur numerous newspaper exposés, fuel public outcry, and initiate a major lawsuit that will be closely followed by citizens nationwide, including tens of thousands not yet born. “I’ll be talking to authorities soon, so hopefully this terrible situation can be put to rest. I just hope that by speaking out, I can help prevent anyone else from having ...

Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
It's so easy to get adults to give in to peer pressure.

New comic!
Today's News:

WASHINGTON—Saying he needed a break from constantly watching over the commander-in-chief to make sure he didn’t get into any trouble, visibly exhausted Chief of Staff John Kelly reportedly sat President Trump down in front of a White House television Friday and put on a Tucker Carlson episode in order to get a quick hour to himself. “I can’t take my eye off him for one second without him getting into some policy issue he’s not supposed to be touching, so sometimes I just have to throw on a show he likes to get him to sit and behave for a little while,” said Kelly, rubbing his temples and explaining how he was “completely wiped out” from dealing with temper tantrums and cleaning up a variety of messes the president had made throughout day, and how he was desperate for a brief moment of peace and quiet ...

WASHINGTON—With the announcement by Attorney General Jeff Sessions that the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program would begin winding down in the next six months, President Donald Trump reportedly fulfilled his long-standing campaign promise Tuesday of finally pushing major immigration decisions onto someone else so he can watch TV. “From the earliest days of his candidacy, Donald Trump vowed to foist large-scale immigration policies onto his underlings so he could lounge around eating snacks and catching up on the cable news shows, and today he made that pledge a reality,” said White House Communications Director Hope Hicks, noting that the millions of Americans around the country who had attended rallies and chanted “pass the buck” had elected Trump to office for this express purpose. “This might not be a decision that pleases the Washington establishment, but it shows voters that when the president says he’s going to make ...

WASHINGTON—A new report released Tuesday by the Pew Research Center has found that the country that might completely shut down because the president wants a big wall is somehow considered the best in the world. The study determined that the 241-year-old federal republic, whose entire government may soon cease to function on account of the head of state’s desire for a big, tall, and thick wall stretching all the way from one side of the water to the other side of the water, remains widely viewed as an exemplary nation and the preeminent achievement in democratic governance. The report also revealed that the country continues to be regarded as a paragon of excellence and a refuge for all humanity despite its commander-in-chief risking the loss of billions of dollars in potential revenue and the termination of vital public services because he really, really wants the big concrete wall ...

Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
Honestly, those kids are probably just too young to be learning about the adult art of precalculus.

New comic!
Today's News:

In which Marc Abrahams, he of the Ig Nobel Prizes, gives the Keynote Address for BAHFest MIT 2017:

Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
Basically, everyone is descended from the guy who ruined everything.

New comic!
Today's News:

WASHINGTON—Alerting residents of the city to take all necessary precautions ahead of the storm surge, officials from the National Weather Service warned Tuesday that Denver was in the direct path of 2037 Hurricane Alba. “According to our 20-year projections, Hurricane Alba will make its way up through the Gulf and proceed on a collision course with Denver,” said NWS director Louis W. Uccellini, explaining that warm ocean water would strengthen the storm continuously until it reached the coast of Colorado, eventually becoming a Category 6 hurricane by the time it made landfall. “Safety is our main concern, and our models predict that Alba could be more powerful than any hurricane Denver residents will have experienced over the previous decade. These storms can also change direction abruptly, so we urge anyone in potentially vulnerable cities such as Cheyenne and Salt Lake City to remain vigilant.” At press time, Denver residents ...

Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
Was it because I spent 20 minutes talking about exactly how much money I saved on condoms by buying in bulk?

New comic!
Today's News:

From @aurelianrabbit, the bread bag alignment chart. Lawful neutral, right here.

Tags: alignment chart, bread, humor

West Lafayette IN (SPX) Aug 09, 2017
A new type of micropropulsion system for miniature satellites called CubeSats uses an innovative design of tiny nozzles that release precise bursts of water vapor to maneuver the spacecraft. Low-cost "microsatellites" and "nanosatellites" far smaller than conventional spacecraft, have become increasingly prevalent. Thousands of the miniature satellites might be launched to perform a variet

Bonus Panel

Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
This is literally a law of nature - you can be against gay sex or gay parents caretaking small children, but you can't be against both.

New comic!
Today's News:

You are not supposed to feel sorry for Dr. Wiley, but here I am feeling bad for him. If this was the actual story of Mega Man, that would be pretty twisted.



See more: Secret History of Mega Man

INDIANAPOLIS—Following the lead of Missouri, Oklahoma, and Georgia, the Indiana legislature Tuesday passed “HB 1679: Prohibiting Sexual Intercourse Of An Excessively Pleasurable Nature,” officially becoming the fourth state in the country to outlaw great sex. “Here in Indiana, we have long believed that sexual activity should be brief, unexceptional, and performed in the most perfunctory of ways, and the landmark legislation we sent to the governor today embodies the traditional values that are so deeply ingrained in this state,” said State Senator Mark Messmer in a morning news conference, explaining that any sexual relations in which the participants are mutually satisfied emotionally or physically would result in fines of up to $1,000, depending on how incredible the sex was. “By restricting sexual activity to seven minutes or less and banning all sexual positions within the state aside from the missionary position, this bold new law stands up for ...