BF = bullfighting
DH = Don Henley (everyone is married to Don Henley)
BFP = big fucking prince (if a big fucking prince appears in your house)
MIL = mops in living room
DD = Dudley Do-Right
DF = death fog
MOH = Master of Hessians
DPO = don't party outside
Read more A Glossary For Common Acronyms In Parenting Forums at The Toast.
A friend I trust sent this fat dog to me. It is real. We have taken steps to protect his identity.
KrankotaThis is a really great article.
Over the weekend, a game developer in Boston named Brianna Wu fled her home after an online stalker vowed to rape and kill her. She isn't the first woman who's been forced into hiding by aggrieved video game fans associated with Gamergate, the self-styled reform movement that's become difficult to ignore over the past several months as its beliefs have ramified out from the fever swamps of the internet into the real world. She probably won't be the last.
KrankotaOH SNAP
KrankotaWhat in the actual fuck.
I'm worried that not enough people are aware that Mario Puzo's The Godfather, bestselling classic and source material for beloved films The Godfather, parts I and II, features a significant subplot about a woman named Lucy Mancini who is friendly with the Corleone family and whose biggest problem is her roomy vagina.
A lot of people think I'm joking, when I tell them that. I'm not joking. There are a significant number of pages given to Lucy's vagina problem. As someone on Twitter pointed out, "this is sort of like if a fifth of The Great Gatsby was about how one of the party guests had one leg that was shorter than the other."
Think, for a moment, about how close we all came to living in a world where universally-acclaimed masculinist classic The Godfather devoted a half-hour of screen time to a minor character's vagina surgery.
Read more Please Don’t Forget That American Classic The Godfather Had An Important Subplot About A Big Vagina at The Toast.
KrankotaHa! That was an unexpected punchline.
KrankotaHa!
It's Halloween season, now, and if you've taken your keen consumer eye into certain participating supermarket chains, you may have noticed the (for a limited time only!) return of the familiar monster-themed General Mills cereals of yore: Count Chocula, Franken-Berry, and Boo-Berry.
KrankotaThis sounds pretty amazing.
Living the life of a regular person—teetering indefinitely on the edge of total destitution, that is to say—you get familiar with the tension between the limits of your financial wherewithal and the ugh like totally selfish desire to not just eat pasta and plain rice and cereal all the time and get scurvy.
KrankotaHa! Quality.
It's October, which means it's time for St. Louis Cardinals fans like Will Leitch to go skipping out of the five-and-dime wearing their propeller beanies and poisoning America with their phony brand of trumped-up goody-goodyism .
KrankotaThis is high comedy.
Lesser Gawker Media blogs have called the Bud Light Lime® Apple-Ahhh-Rita—an "apple margarita with a twist of Bud Light Lime®"—"bullshit." That is a comically wrong opinion. Apple-Ahhh-Rita is the hottest drink this fall, just ask a teen, jesus.
"You have a traitor there, Aslan," said the Witch.
"Myah have a myaitor myah, Myaslan," Aslan said in a high-pitched, mocking tone, as if to himself. It was kind of shitty of him, and no one quite knew what to say.
"I -- Have you forgotten the Deep Magic?" asked the Witch, collecting herself.
"Yeah," said Aslan. "Sorry."
"I must tell you?" said the Witch, her voice going suddenly shriller. "Tell you what is written on that very Table of Stone which stands beside us? Tell you what is written in letters deep as a spear is long on the firestones on the Secret Hill? Tell you what is engraved on the sceptre of the Emperor-beyond-the-Sea? You at least know the Magic which the Emperor put into Narnia at the very beginning. You know that every traitor belongs to me as my lawful prey and that for every treachery I have a right to a kill."
"And so," continued the Witch, "that human creature is mine. His life is forfeit to me. His blood is my property."
"Okay," said Aslan.
Read more Dirtbag Aslan at The Toast.
im sailing
this is what sailing is
bathtub is swimming
take it from me, the olympics
tennis tennis tennis
we are doing tennis
how to ride a horse
step one? im riding a horse
Read more People Almost Playing Sports In Luxury Advertisements at The Toast.
KrankotaO_o
Earlier today, my esteemed colleague Drew Magary dropped "A Field Guide To American Truthers ," in which the Big Daddy flamboyantly summarized some of the most common conspiracies in American culture. Within minutes, of course, readers took to Kinja and Twitter to add conspiracies we left out. One in particular caught Magary's eye.
KrankotaThis is the first i've ever heard of Modern Toss, but some of it is really good.
Forge & Co is hosting Modern Toss: A Decade in the Shithouse to celebrate 10 years of the irreverent cartoons. The exhibition will feature original drawings and artefacts from the Toss archive, showcasing the work of artists Jon Link and Mick Bunnage.
Modern Toss: A decade in the Shithouse / Via shop.moderntoss.com
Modern Toss: A decade in the Shithouse / Via shop.moderntoss.com
Modern Toss: A decade in the Shithouse / Via shop.moderntoss.com
Modern Toss: A decade in the Shithouse / Via shop.moderntoss.com
KrankotaThis makes me sad for a lot of reasons, many of which I can't quite get reasonable words for.
Wanna see the STEM gender gap illustrated so starkly that Marie Curie may very well rise from her grave to gnash her teeth? The Carnegie Science Center offers one workshop explicitly for Girl Scouts, and it's about the science of beauty products.
Krankota(Star-Spangled Banner as performed by mouth trumpet)
John Lourenco, 53, appears to have been a part of an unprecedented number of arrests by Rhode Island police this month after he was cited with four DUIs in the space of 30 hours. Lourenco allegedly crashed four different vehicles while driving drunk, three into other vehicles and one into a tree.
KrankotaThese will never stop making me laugh.
KrankotaHAHAHAHAHA
Petite Red Head and Caliente Latina Roommates Surprise the Pizza Delivery Man
With a lecture on
how his employer should
compost pizza boxes.
*
Two Blondes Engage in Some Much-Sought-After Pussy Play
Susan and Chris knew
how understaffed the local
no-kill shelter was.
*
Read more If Lesbian Porn Were Accurate, In Haiku at The Toast.
ZEUS: what is this
i dont like this
HERA: it's our son
that's our son, i've just given birth to him
i've named him Hephaestus--
[Zeus flings the newborn off Olympus]
ZEUS: what son
i dont see any son
ZEUS: wanna hook up
IO: aren't you married?
ZEUS: my wifes cool
we have an open thing
IO: wow
i guess ok then
[the sky darkens]
ZEUS: oh shit oh fuck
IO: what is it
ZEUS: my wife is coming
IO: i thought you said your wife was cool with--
ZEUS: shut up
i have to think
[ZEUS turns IO into a cow and casually leans against her]
ZEUS [whispering]: i am so sorry
i will change you back as soon as she leaves
HERA: what are you doing down here
ZEUS: I BOUGHT YOU THIS COW ISN'T THIS COW GREAT IT'S A PRESENT FOR YOU YOU CAN KEEP IT FOREVER AND EVEN KILL AND EAT IT IF YOU WANT
[whispering] i am so sorry
Read more Dirtbag Zeus at The Toast.
KrankotaI want this lady to be my grandma.
Marilyn Hagerty, North Dakota newspaper restaurant critic behind the most viral Olive Garden review of all time, is back with a review of her local Applebee's. And thank goodness.
KrankotaHeh
Getty Image
By all accounts Steve Ballmer’s finally in charge of the Los Angeles Clippers. After months of back and forth with the NBA’s most dysfunctional couple, Donald and Shelly Sterling, Ballmer’s ready to start his tenure. His first order of business is ridding the organization of iPads, iPhones and every evil thing Apple has created. After all, Ballmer is MICROSOFT 4 LYFE having been the CEO from 2000 until his resignation just a few short months ago. He’s still the largest owner of Microsoft stock with $15.7 billion in shares.
It should come as no surprise, then, that the Clippers will be a Microsoft organization. The son of a Ford Motor Co manager, he’s always been a company and product loyalist, banning his own family from using Apple’s iPhones.
“Most of the Clippers on are Windows, some of the players and coaches are not,” Ballmer said.
“And Doc kind of knows that’s a project. It’s one of the first things he said to me: ‘We are probably going to get rid of these iPads, aren’t we?’ And I said, ‘Yeah, we probably are.’ But I promised we would do it during the off season.”
So the Clippers went from hating black people to hating Apple products. We’re finally making progress America. #BendGhazi’s slowly bringing us together as a nation.
[Reuters]
Previously in this series.
You love Don Draper, but at the same time you're glad patriarchy is dead. It was a tough fight, and when you watch Don Draper you can see that he understands this too— both the love, and the complicated gladness.
At patriarchy's funeral you were the one who laid a wreath on the coffin, and it was you who brought coffee to the grieving widows. You offered your shoulder and tried to be strong. You worry now that they may not have noticed.
You realize that how you view adulthood must have been shaped by something. Maybe that something includes race, sexuality, religion, ability, class, gender identity... maybe more. This is why you invite others to share the ways they deviate from you.
Other people are ALWAYS welcome to add their thoughts. You are only starting the conversation.
You read Henry James.
You realize that it's too soon after patriarchy's death to speak about progress.
Read more How To Tell If You Are in an Essay on Adulthood at The Toast.
KrankotaWow.
