Jennskinner

The other day I did something equal parts dangerous, delicious, and daring.  We had one puny, slightly wilted habanero pepper left over from the end of our summer harvest.  I was making blue cheese dressing when a lightbulb popped up over my head, cartoon style.  Only this lightbulb was on fire.

I've seen spicy ranch time and time again.  (And it has delighted me every single one of those times.)  But I have yet to see a spicy blue cheese dressing.  Which in my mind is a little odd, seeing as we all know how well blue cheese and spicy things go together.

So I concocted one.  And it is noooooo joke.

Domestic box office numbers for Guillermo Del Toro’s robots-versus-monsters tentpole Pacific Rim have been disappointing, initially quashing hopes of a sequel and striking another blow against ambitious projects not based on established properties. But on the international circuit, the film has done significantly better, where it just debuted with a record-breaking $9 million Wednesday in China, the highest Warner Bros. opening tally in that country, even topping the Harry Potter films. As a result, a sequel is now far more likely, with Del Toro and co-writer Travis Beacham prepping a pitch. The importance of foreign markets like China has its vocal detractors and defenders, but after the shouting about Communists dictating Hollywood business practices, the end result is that a talented visual filmmaker might get to continue an original story that isn’t based on a video game or a toy.

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Devious global thief Carmen Sandiego may be making her way back to PBS stations. The network Instagrammed a picture (gleaned from Interpol, no doubt) of Sandiego’s signature hat and gloves with the note, “Where in the world did this come from? Stay tuned for something awesome!” It updated the page shortly thereafter with a not-so-vague clue, saying, “This is not about new episodes, but will be appreciated by any ‘90s kid.” Lest anyone be mildly confused, the “actual” (read: official) Carmen Sandiego Tweeted, “If I were to re-air my old PBS episodes, would you watch me?” There’s no confirmation of actual airdates yet, but the mere suggestion that reruns of the show could be coming back is enough to excite an old gumshoe all the same. Time to bone up on the ol’ giant Africa map.

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Fast Food, Restaurant | Derby, England, UK

(There’s an anime convention near to where I work. A bunch of them come in while I’m on the front counter. All of them are in costume.)

Me: “Great costumes, guys! You had a good day?”

(Link from Legend Of Zelda is the first to speak up.)

Link: “Yeah, it’s been amazing, thanks!”

(I spot one of their friends, a disabled girl, dressed as one of my favorite characters. I call out to her.)

Me: “Oh, wow! It’s Nyu! You look adorable! I think you win for best costume of the day!”

Link: “Thanks for that; no one has guessed correctly all day and she’s been pretty upset about it! I think you pretty much just made her day!”

Me: “My pleasure!”

(I turn to the girl.)

Me: “No one could guess your costume, sweetie? Guess they don’t watch the cool shows, huh?”

(The girl smiles, and begins to answer, but she’s cut off by a random customer who’s come storming over towards us.)

Customer: “Alright, that’s enough of that! I’M here now, so you can stop catering to that [disabled slur] and show me some respect!”

Me: “Sir! Please, there’s no need to be so harsh to another customer! If you do not tone it down a little, I will have to ask you to leave!”

Customer: “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Why the f*** should I tone it down?! SHE shouldn’t be here, and YOU should start showing me more respect, b****, or I’ll see what your manager has to say about this!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I was always taught that respect was earned, and that you must always respect others. Since you are unable to do this to me or this poor girl you have insulted, then I have no reason to show YOU any respect. Please leave.”

Customer: “WHAT THE F—”

(He cuts himself off as he suddenly finds himself surrounded by various different anime and game heroes, all complete with replica weapons.)

Sephiroth: “I believe the lady asked you to leave, so scram.”

(The guy all but runs out of the store. ‘Link’ pulls out an ocarina, and plays a medley of various video game songs for me as a thank you. It makes my night!)

Related:
Morpheus, Tarantino, And The Green Lantern Walk Into A Bar
Superman, Rocky Balboa And ABBA Walk Into A Bar

What’s black, white, & red all over? A Zebra that effs with a honey badger’s baby.

Filed under: DC, Movies, Humor, Opinion

Superman is not a role they give to movie stars. Christopher Reeve was unknown when he took the part. The same was true for Dean Cain, Tom Welling and Brandon Routh; the best any of them could claim is a multi-episode guest spot on a TV show or, in ... Read more

 

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Bar Club | Minneapolis, MN, USA

(I work at a DJ in a club. Although I do take requests, I play them where they will fit into the set so that it isn’t weird and everything flows together. On this particular night, it is kind of slow. I start a new set with some slower rap songs; there is a dance floor with 20 to 30 people on it.)

Me: “Hey, what can I do for you?”

Customer #1: “Can I hear You Shook Me All Night Long by AC/DC? Everyone loves that song, and everyone is going to dance. They will love it!”

(The music currently playing is ‘Swimming Pools’ by Kendrick Lamar. It is 68 beats per minute, and hard rap. The song the customer is requesting is in the 130 bpm range.)

Me: “Sure, I will play it as soon as I can.”

Customer #1: “Can you play it next?”

Me: “Probably not, but I try to get it in as soon as I can.”

(She walks away. Approximately two songs go by; the customer returns.)

Customer #1: “Well, are you going to play my song? Do you even REMEMBER WHAT SONG I TOLD YOU?!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, AC/DC’s You Shook Me. I have to think of the dance floor right now, but I will play it as soon as I can fit it in with other music.”

Customer #1: *cheerfully* “THANKS!”

(It should also be noted that I have her song, and the other songs that I am going to play with it, in the song-queue and ready to be played soon. I’m at around 120 bpms, but the dance floor is now around 40-50 people. I get rated by the owners of the Bar/Club by how well I am at getting—and keeping—a dance floor. I get either a nightly bonus or a raise based on the dance floor.)

Customer #1: *startling me* “ARE YOU F****** STUPID! I SAID I WANT THE GOD D*** SONG PLAYED NOW, YOU C***!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m getting to it. It’s going to be played in the next five minutes. When I feel that I can reasonably put it in and keep the dance floor, I will play it. I will even buy you a drink for your wait. Okay?”

Customer #1: “No! You’re going to play it now! I am a paying customer! I am f****** rich, so I don’t need your handouts!”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry you feel that way.”

Customer #1: “F*** you, and this place! You were never going to play it! And stop grinning like you’re so great! I make more money than God, and I could buy this place and fire your piece-of-s*** a**! How f****** hard is your job? PLAY MY DAMN SONG NOW, YOU SON OF A B****!”

Me: “Firstly, I’m sorry you feel this way, and won’t wait patiently like everyone else. Secondly, God doesn’t make money, so therefore a child finding a penny on the street makes more money than God. Thirdly, my job is keeping a dance floor, it’s how I get paid, raises and bonuses. Fourthly, I was going to play your song, but now I’m not so sure.”

(Suddenly, Customer #1 tries to punch me, and then smashes her glass and another customers drink on the floor and storms out. Then I see another customer, Customer #2, come walking inside followed by the very irate Customer #1. Customer #1 is visibly yelling, being held back by security as they try to haul her outside. I turn down the music. I do this, because everyone on the dance floor is watching her and no longer dancing. I turn it down so I and everyone else can hear the screaming better.)

Customer #1: *to Customer #2* “How f****** dare you call me white trash! I’m so much better than you! I own the mall down the street! I work for the state finding people like you places in [trailer park] because you’re f****** poor!”

Customer #2: *laughing hysterically* “No, you work down at the mall. You own the 5th trailer in [trailer park], on [street address], and your name is [customer #1's name].”

Customer #1: “I’LL F****** KILL YOU!”

(Customer #1 pulls out a small blade. The security guard throws her to the ground. They take the knife away, and hold her there until the cops come. As they are arresting her, I stop all music to dead silence, and speak over the microphone.)

Me: “To the woman getting arrested, here is your requested parting gift!”

(I crank the chorus of ‘You Shook Me All Night Long’ by AC/DC all the way up as she’s being hauled off. I can see her trying to break free and get to me while she mouths ‘YOU SON OF A B****!’. Everyone starts cheering.)

I realize I stopped updating this site in February, but here’s a little reminder of how much of a cesspool Etsy continues to be:

Etsy closes down a legitimate hand crafter while resellers and copyright infringers continue to sell you mass produced horseshit

As much as I would like to see Etsy get shamed for this bullshit, it doesn’t matter. They don’t care, and haven’t for a very long time.

Sorry this isn’t funny. Well it is funny, in a drinking yourself to sleep kind of way.

Cheers

(Whoah...)

 

 

 

Thanks to Jeanette E., Samantha L., & Sarah F. for taking a stand against drunk decorating.

"I’m getting tired of making insects that just hatch, eat, mate, and die."

"Well, what else are they supposed to do? Seems like you’ve hit all the major requirements there, evolution."

"I don’t know, something more interesting."

"Like what?"

"Like maybe hatch underground, putter around down there for 17 years, emerge in massive swarms that tear through the countryside and dive-bomb weddings and generally freak everyone the hell out for a while, and then eat, mate, and die.”

"Hm. ‘Interesting’ is one word for that."

"I can see it now. The 17-year cicadas: Just when you thought you could forget.”

"That’s ridiculous. You watch too many movies."

“BZZZ, motherf—ers! BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.”