IKEA Monkey

Suicide is tragic enough, but it’s particularly bewildering when young people who appear to have it all take their own lives. But recent research into the national increase in suicide among those aged 15 to 24 finds a unique intersection that exacerbates the burden on those prone to mental illness—enormous pressure to be perfect, combined with seemingly having it all going for you, combined with feeling exactly the opposite inside. And social media isn’t helping.

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Nobody wants to talk about how Glamour has a section called "Smitten."

This article originally appeared on VICE UK.

There is sort of this unwritten rule among digital writers that goes a little like this: "Do Not Slag Off Thine Neighborly Digital Writer, No Matter How Weaksauce Their Content Mighteth Be, For One Day You Will Wake Up On A Hangover And Dial A List In And You Wouldn't Want Somebody Going Through That Point-By-Point And Saying That It's Shit And Useless, Would You?" I mean, how can I go after anything i100 do when I write 4,000-word articles about all your different types of friends? I cannot, and if you are a digital writer, neither can you.

That fucking said, have you read this thing on Glamour, about how to make your man love you? Probably go and read this thing on Glamour, about how to make your man love you. There's a bit where it legitimately says sharing links from Twitter might make him get down on one knee. Like, we all want our man to love us—do we not? Desperately? Is it not all we live for, the simple grunting affection of a very basic man?—but this seems a bit too much. This feels just one try too hard.

Let's go through it point-by-point and slice it to bits and try to make some sense out of something that seems, on first glance, to be just slightly too insane:

1. Stocking the fridge with his favorite drinks. Bonus points: Bring him back to his fraternity days by handing him a cold one as he steps out of the shower.

"Oh cool, a beer. Sh–shall I just stand here and... drink it? I mean, it's just a tin of Red Stripe. My hair's still wet. My hair is dripping in the Red Stripe. Can I at least put some pants on first?"

2. Making him a snack after sex. It doesn't have to be a gourmet meal—a simple grilled cheese or milk and cookies will do.

In a way this one is the saddest, most desperate: Not only must you deliver an earth-trembling orgasm to the penis and/or butthole of your dude, but then you have to clamber out of bed and get the George Foreman on and whip up a cheese sandwich. We live in a future where, according to Glamour, jizzing isn't enough. Can't just let him finish on your face, not now. You also have to get butter all over your hands while making a grilled cheese or warm those nice Taste the Difference cookies up in a low oven and serve them to this strange infant-man with milk.

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3. Emailing him the latest online gossip about his favorite TV show. You don't have to have a BFF at HBO. Just share applicable links from your Twitter feed and pat yourself on the back.

"How many emails about Game of Thrones did you get today, mate?"

"Fucking seven. She's discovered Vulture. She didn't know Vulture existed until this morning, and now she's sent me six links from Vulture and an infographic about Game of Thrones that is too hard to read."

"She still doing the shower thing?"

"Eight AM, I had to drink a beer today. Eight AM. I didn't even have my contact lenses in, and she made me drink a beer, in full, right in front of her, while damp and wearing a towel. I feel like death. I feel like I am dying."

4. Bragging about him to your friends, family, the stranger on the street corner—whomever. Proclamations of pride will make his chest puff out and his heart swell.

I just really think telling a stranger on the street that you are in love with a man who drinks beer straight out the shower is somehow going to get you arrested for your own protection.

5. Answering the door in a negligee—or, better yet, naked.

"Why are you answering my door? I have a key. Why am I knocking on my own door? Why are you naked? Hold on, how did you get inside my flat? Why did... what's that boiling in a big pan in the kitchen?"

6. Being open to what he wants to try in the bedroom and out. An open mind is attractive no matter your playground.

I think this means "fuck in a park, once" or "consider butt stuff" but I can't be 100 percent sure because the wording of it is slowly killing my brain. I don't understand why the word "playground" is in there. Why is the word "playground" in there? Does someone want me to have sex in a playground? Surely no one ever wants that?

7. Letting him solve your petty work problem. Many men don't do gossip, but they do like to fix things.

In a way this is almost sweet, because men like fixing things, don't they? With their hammers and their glue, with their electrical tape and their scissors. That said, in my experience men and women tend to approach work problems in entirely different ways. My advice when I hear a female friend's work problem is almost certainly, "Well tell Brad to fuck off and then take his job from him, then! Ask for a £10,000 [$15,000] raise!" because I am beyond oblivious to the careful rules by which women at work have to play, the unfair odds that are stacked against them, the weird pay gap shit they have to deal with every day, the fact that they have to do it all in skirts. By the time you've carefully explained that to the type of man who is being described in this article he will probably be really bored and want to have a shower beer and watch his favorite TV show?

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Related: Watch the latest VICE documentary, 'ICEMAN'

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8. Spitting out sports stats for his favorite team. Showing an interest in his favorite players will earn you points on and off the field.

HOW THAT WOULD GO:

"Olivier Giroud playing, is he? You know he got 14 goals in 28 games, last season? Neat one-in-two."
"Yeah. I mean I still think we need a slightly better striker, if not just to compete with him."
"[DEATHLY SILENCE]"
"I mean I suppose Danny Welbeck exists, but. I mean he's still Danny Welbeck, isn't he?"
"[DEATHLY SILENCE]"
"That's the thing with Danny Welbeck. The main trait. He exists."
"[SILENCE SO LARGE AND DEATHLY THAT SMALL ANIMALS DIE WITHIN IT, FLIES DROP TO THE GROUND, CATS HISS AWAY IN TERROR]"
"Might just go and have a beer in the shower, just to get away from this."

The thing about someone—anyone—who does not like sports suddenly knowing one thing about sports is it is weird, unnerving even, like a radiator that suddenly learned how to scream, or a lamp that does math. If you know about sports: fine, cool. If you do not know about sports: That is also totally fine, you do not have to try to know about sports. They are only sports. I have plenty of sadlads on Twitter I can talk to about sports.

9. Making a big deal out of his favorite meal. Does he like hot dogs cut up into his boxed mac-and-cheese? Serve it on a silver platter to really see him smile.

i. Yo sorry but if your man's favorite food is "mac and cheese with hot dogs cut up in it" then please check you didn't accidentally pick up someone's toddler from a nursery school before you get that silver platter out of the attic and wash it twice for dust.

ii. I do not want to eat my hot dog mac and cheese off a silver platter, man. Silver platters are large, and made of silver. They are too big for my lap when I am trying to watch TV. The stress of the silver platter seems to negate all the good intentions behind the silver platter.

10. Treating his friends as well as you treat your own. If you win their affections, you'll win his heart.

"Talk to human beings like they too are human beings" haha OK, done. NEXT...

11. Sitting side-by-side while he vegs out to the TV. It may not feel like quality time to you, but it's the best time to him.

"Sit in silence while a man watches sports"...

12. Giving him a massage—happy ending completely optional. In fact, a foot rub works just fine.

Essentially, the advice here is "wank him off," which, yes, everyone enjoys being wanked off, especially as part of an elaborate and shocking surprise. But this is the bit that, out of the whole list, just makes me feel depressed and empty, like those few grim little seconds after I've been wanked off. Number 12 on the list reduces women to wank off-givers and men to wank off-receivers, and never the twain shall meet or connect. Essentially this is saying the way to a man's heart is through a firm and stern wank off, performed on his dick, because—like cows busting their udders at the seams—men are in dire and constant need of a wanking, and women—with their fragile little hearts, with their feelings—need only love, and the best way of inducing that reluctant emotion is just pumping away at his dick under the guise of doing a massage, or a foot rub. This is all we are. Orgasm givers, orgasm receivers. Gender is a construct—there are only wank-havers, and wank-doers. The only love of which men are capable is the hollow gratitude of being wanked off. Glamour: you just made me hate wanking.

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13. Taking him back to third grade with a gentle tease over anything from how you'll dominate him on the basketball court to the weird way he just styled his hair.

Talk trash about my hair and I'm getting an Uber home, I don't care how fucking late it is.

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The central truth is so obvious it is barely worth repeating but let's go through it anyway: This article is insulting to just about everyone on Earth. It reduces men to big dumb dogs who somehow figured out how to wear baseball caps backwards but more importantly it reduces women to creatures who are desperate to live forever alongside such grimly simple beasts. Central truth: There is literally no one this basic on Earth.

This isn't the way true love should be. And if it has to be then at least make sure you're getting back as much as you put in. Like, is the dude making milk and cookies while you are doing the grilled cheeses? Then you are going to have a post-sex feast together, a perfect team, happy and post-coital and filling yourselves with carbs while vegging out in front of the TV. If not, it's just him lying there, panting, in a sticky pool of his own essence, while you ferry him food and palm him off. Are there not better things to be doing, Glamour? Do you not have lives to live, passions to explore, friends to be hanging out with? Do you really not have anything better to do than learn obscure sporting facts and rub my feet and then my dick? Do you not have hobbies?

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Two Republican presidential candidates tied separate controversies over Cecil the Lion and Planned Parenthood together in one tweet in recent days.

Amazon just happened to announce their new ordering gadget, Dash buttons, on March 31, which earned them a lot of free publicity as people chattered about whether it was an April Fool’s Day prank or not. It had to be a joke, right? It was not. It was a real product that Amazon promised to make available in a few weeks. Now it’s sixteen weeks later, and there are eighteen different Dash buttons that you can order.

There’s this essential one, of course:

Other big-brand offerings include Gatorade, Clorox wipes, Maxwell House coffee, Tide detergent, Huggies diapers, Gerber baby formula, and Gillette razors. Amazon also offers a button for its own brand of baby wipes, and there’s a button for Wellness brand pet foods.

You use your smartphone to connect the button to the specific product that it orders: the Wellness button, for example, can be associated with 14 different products from the company’s pet food brands, including kibble or canned food for dogs or for cats.

The buttons were available by invitation for free as part of a test phase, and now any Prime member can purchase them. If that’s what you want to do. (If you received an early Dash button and had any unusual issues, let us know!)

Dash Buttons [Amazon]
Amazon’s push-to-order Dash Buttons are now on sale for $4.99 [The Verge]

A mother who went to Oak Street Beach claims that another woman called her children the n-word three times because they splashed her. The mother then confronted the woman on camera who angrily defended her right to drop the n-word. [ more › ]

There’s a new player in the arena of online food ordering: Groupon launched its own online food service for customers who want to either pick up their chow or have it delivered — but it’s only in Chicago for now. Eventually, as the service expands, Seamless and GrubHub (which are owned by the same company) could have a rival in the competition to fill customers’ empty bellies with the touch of a button.

Groupon To Go launched today in Chicago, with about 500 restaurants available for orders. The Verge reports that Groupon plans to expand the service pretty quickly, expanding to Austin and Boston this fall and nationwide eventually.

Currently, Groupon is working with restaurants that already have their own delivery services in places, but could eventually introduce the option to have Groupon To Go handle the deliveries. Some of the restaurants currently involved in the program include: Quiznos, Popeyes, Subway, and Papa John’s as well as Chicago restaurants like Ditka’s Restaurant, Al’s Beef, Adobo Grill, BIG & little’s, Freshii, Rosati’s Pizza, Star of Siam, and Wishbone.

So what makes Groupon To Go different from the other food-fetching businesses out there? The company says it will save customers up to 10% on every order, bringing the lure of a “savings” aspect to the service.

Sean Smyth, VP and GM at Groupon To Go, told TechCrunch that the idea for the service grew out of what customers already want from Groupon — food and drink is a popular category, and the company already works with a lot of restaurants trying to promote their own takeout and delivery options. That led Groupon to offer more of an “end-to-end” user experience, Smyth says.

Groupon is already be in the online ordering game in about 40 cities through its recent acquisition of a platform called OrderUp earlier this month. Though company will continue to use that moniker in “midsize” markets, it will use the Groupon To Go brand for major cities like Boston.

“It’s one thing to promote menus and get order, but how do you get that last mile? It’s that last mile that really inspired us to look at a company like OrderUp,” Smyth told TechCrunch.

Though the system is pretty basic and requires restaurants to do their own delivering, eventually Groupon might offer to handle delivery services for businesses, and add features like the ability to schedule delivery and takeout orders for a specific time.

Groupon takes on Seamless and GrubHub with online food ordering service [The Verge]
Groupon Launches Its Own Food Delivery Business, Groupon To Go [TechCrunch]

A man who gained a second chance at life three years ago when he was freed from prison after serving 17 years for a murder he did not commit was tragically shot and killed on the Near West Side Tuesday. [ more › ]

Do you live in the Rice lofts in downtown Houston, Texas? Are you missing a cobra? If so, you should probably call animal control, because they’ve got your missing cobra, who was found wandering the hallways of your apartment building.

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The best movie of 1994 you probably haven’t seen is The Paper, Ron Howard’s crackling, high-energy, ruthlessly entertaining day-in-the-life of a New York Post-style Gotham tabloid. It’s got pretty much everything I need in a movie—Robert Duvall being wise, Glenn Close being tough, Marisa Tomei being charming, Randy Quaid being crazy, Jason Alexander being crazier, Catherine O’Hara getting drunk—but most of all, it’s got Michael Keaton as a fast-talking, faster-thinking newspaper editor, which is pretty much the role he was born to play. So you can understand this viewer’s enthusiasm at the idea of Keaton doing another newspaper movie.

Though to be clear, Tom McCarthy’s Spotlight is not just “another newspaper movie.” He’s dramatizing the Pulitzer Prize-winning Boston Globe investigation that broke the story of child sexual abuse in the Catholic Church wide open, so the players are powerful and the stakes are very high indeed.

McCarthy fumbled badly with his last picture, The Cobbler, but the winning streak of thoughtful, intelligent, character-driven dramas he’d assembled before that dud (The Station Agent, The Visitor, Win Win) are enough to get worked up about this one. And with an ensemble cast that includes Rachel McAdams (another newspaper movie vet), Mark Ruffalo, Liev Schreiber, John Slattery, Stanley Tucci, Billy Crudup, and Brian d’Arcy James, Spotlight just shot to the top of our fall movie must-see list.

“Which story do you want us to write—cause we’re writin’ one of ‘em.” BOOM.

Spotlight will screen at the Toronto and Venice Film Festivals before opening in the U.S. on November 6th.

Grayson Dobra, 2, celebrated his birthday this year with a theme party. The theme wasn’t Bob the Builder or whatever dumb shit two-year-olds like these days. Instead, it was organized around Dobra’s hero: New Orleans personal injury lawyer Morris Bart. This boy has his priorities straight.

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Fire Department Driver Matthew Sanchez is heard in a 911 recording saying "I'm not going to deal with this, OK," shortly before the line disconnects.

Ah, minor-league baseball… home to ridiculous promos, outrageous food and the 7th-inning race chock-full of people in costumes running around and embarrassing themselves. In this video from the West Michigan Whitecaps, three children dress up as appliances in the DTE Energy “Home Gas Showdown.” Yes, you read that right. Appliances… a dryer, a range and a hot-water heater.

Look how happy they are.

Right off the bat, things go sideways when the range face-plants in spectacular fashion.

Then, the dryer followed suit.

Then BAH GAWD, that hot-water heater has a family. Take it away, Jim Ross.

Congratulations to the dryer for its perseverance, and its ability to fight through the minefield known as the “Home Gas Showdown.”

(H/t: Rook_SpartyOn)

   Let’s look at all these celebs getting on and off planes, and talk about travel wear.  You guys know I love talking about packing, and I also love articles about What To Wear On the Plane. I will read every single one of them. (I spent all morning reading this post on Into The Glossabout Read More ...

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side. “Oh, crap, I gotta go for it—the rip’s getting bigger and I’m way too far to turn back now,” Parnasse reportedly thought to himself, gingerly holding the plastic bag at arm’s length to avoid the stream of unidentifiable liquid dripping from the lengthening tear dangerously close to his shoes. “God, I knew it was a big mistake yanking the bag from the garbage can like that. I should’ve just brought the whole can out with it. Dammit. If the coffee grounds reach that hole, I’m really fucked.” At press time, a frantic ...

Donald Trump had an "absolute meltdown" when a lawyer requested a break from a 2011 deposition to pump breast milk.

Look at this metaphor for our lives in the form of a cute puppy video.

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A top adviser to Donald Trump is under fire after comments he made in an explosive interview while defending the Republican presidential candidate from a decades-old rape accusation.

Didn’t we just say recently that we are not against hunting? We did say that, and it is still true, but let us clarify real fast. It’s one thing to hunt in that real Native American way, where you use the whole animal and you respect that it gave its life to feed, nourish, clothe you and whatever else. It’s even one thing to be a redneck from Mississippi (hey y’all) and go out early in the morning and kill a deer, as long as you bring us deer meat or invite us over for deer chili. But it is a whole different goddamn thing to be a piece of trash American who travels across the globe to find new, exotic animals to murder, for no reason nobler than the fact that you really have a hard-on for murdering animals, you sick fuck. Introduce yourself to Walter Palmer of Minnesota:

Read more on Here, Rage At This Dickhead American Dentist Who Murders Beautiful African Lions For Fun…

Like her television career, Sarah Palin’s political action committee—once a veritable money machine fueling the former Republican vice presidential nominee’s ambitions—has entered the doldrums. This year SarahPAC has depleted much of its once prodigious cash reserve, spending about a quarter-million dollars more than it raised, according to new filings with the Federal Election Commission.

While Iranian leaders prepare to pause on their nuclear program, Russia and North Korea appear locked in a contest for chief nuclear menace.

Albuquerque beekeeper denies his bees are the ones swarming his neighborhood, stinging neighbors and trapping some in their homes. KOB's Caleb James reports.

This just in: Seattle’s straight community has been so completely bullied into silence by The Gays (and maybe their close allies, Creeping Sharia) that a big Heterosexual Pride Parade announced for this weekend drew a very dissatisfying number of marchers. We mean disappointing even in comparison to that huge demonstration by Ex-Gays in Washington DC a couple years back, which instead of tens of thousands, had under a dozen people show up, plus some press. What we mean is, actually, ONE GUY, the organizer, a gent named Anthony Rebello, showed up and paraded on Capitol Hill on Saturday.

Read more on Seattle Straight Pride Parade Goes Off Without Hitch, Paraders…

Here comes the rain.

Black clouds cover the sky before jumbo drops start pounding down all around you. Drenching clothes, splashing windows, everyone runs for cover with wet cheeks and rain hair.

And when giant cracks of lightning suddenly splinter the sky and fill everything with eyeball-searing flashes of bright white, it’s like holy cow. Did you see that?

The moment after the lightning is a little stomach flip of anticipation as you wait for the bass-roaring boom of thunder to land with a bang all around you. How big will it be? How far away was the lightning?

It’s completely humbling to see the world suddenly stop while Mother Nature has a screaming fit. When nothing matters except the storm you’re forced to soak into the zone. Hands tightly grip steering wheels, crowds huddle on porches, and we all stare out raindrop-streaked windows watching it all come down.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

Though Key & Peele is less driven by recurring bits and characters than other major sketch shows, the series’ impending finale will still take some memorable roles off the airwaves for good. Since Keegan-Michael Key and Jordan Peele have announced this season of their Comedy Central series will be its last, we’ve rounded up the denizens of Key & Peele‘s wild, weird world we’ll sorely miss. Click through for the full list, from political figures to feminist evangelists.

Meegan

Zadie Smith herself called Meegan one of Jordan Peele’s “most successful creations,” and who are we to disagree? Along with her devoted boyfriend Andre, Meegan showed what it is to be basic long before that word became the subject of a tidal wave of thinkpieces. With all the ego and obliviousness of a reality television star, Meegan showcases Peele’s mind-blowing vocal range like no other character.

A cyclist could have to pay for extinguishing a 73-acre fire he set when he burned his toilet paper after relieving himself in an Idaho ravine.

Sheriff Joe Arpaio says that he still believes that President Obama was not born in the United States.