Bewarethewumpus

Author : Jae Miles, Staff Writer

“Oh for god’s sake, not again.”

It’s only the fourth time I’ve thrown up in the last hour. As I reach for the towel, everybody in the room tenses. They relax after I wipe my mouth and sag back into the chair.

“For a killer, he doesn’t show much.”

The burly one is right. I show very little of the dangerous composure my kind is supposed to have.

“That’s what makes him effective. Appearing to be harmless.”

The skinny one passes comment in an attempt to appear wiser than he is. He’s the junior of the team.

“Whatever. He’s worth a fortune. Plus we get upgraded just for finding him.”

The leader is the longest serving. For all his experience, he has no idea what he’s captured. Or I hope he doesn’t. I may have screwed up this time.

“Can I have some water?”

“No.”

The reply is unanimous. They have no idea why I’m rated as an unstoppable, highly-trained threat to their employers, but they are cautious. Too many have died trying to take me.

“You can have a drink when they get you where they want you to be. When the interference lets up, I’ll report in and everyone will be a lot happier. In fact, I’ll go up to the roof and call in.”

They watch their boss leave and miss my shoulders drooping in relief. I thought I had been caught for real this time.

Burly and Skinny are just getting worried about Leader when two loud thuds herald my deliverance. The air distorts in front of them and slams them into the wall so hard their bodies leave tracks in their own blood.

The door swings open and a familiar figure strolls in with a tray of food in one hand, a steaming compressor-pulse shotgun in the other.

“Room service, Mister Jennings?”

Fleming always makes me laugh. His deadpan delivery and ability to imitate any accent is just so refreshing after moments of utter terror.

“Thanks, John. And say thanks to Sally and Spitz too.”

“And Charlie. He’s been supervising the ‘atmospheric’ interference and his eyes may never uncross.”

Eight years ago I was a junior accounting clerk. One morning I found myself arrested for serious crimes across the country, all corresponding to places I had been at the relevant times. After a lot of shouting and screaming, I was resigned to my life being over. That night, a man came to my cell. He explained that I had been set up to cover for an operative of Asylum, a company that worked internationally for the highest bidder. They had even corrupted governments.

But this man’s bosses only employed those whose lives had been damaged or destroyed by Asylum. If I wanted, they had a lunatic plan for me to strike back at Asylum. That was the night I started working for Exile.

The next day I daringly escaped during a prison transfer; there being no traces of me having had any help.

Asylum think that when they framed me and it drove me to discover hidden talents. They want me dead because I obviously know a lot from interrogating everyone they send after me before I kill them.

Actually I know nothing and have a team of the most dangerous people I know, and who I believe to be the most dangerous people on the planet, making sure I always get captured and never get kept.

Professional killers really shouldn’t be this much fun to travel the world with. I’m having the time of my life.

 

 

Author : Bob Newbell

The Cold War between the United Colonies of the Asteroid Belt and the Oort Cloud Alliance had been going on for almost 50 years when open warfare finally broke out. The planet Uranus proved to be such a rich source of helium-3 that neither side felt it could allow the other to gain control of so lucrative a supply of fuel for nuclear fusion reactors. It was at the seventh planet from the Sun that the future of the outer solar system would be determined.

“We’re approaching weapons range, Captain,” said Lieutenant Commander Underhill.

“Charge up the railguns and stand by,” commanded Captain Abarza as he watched the Oort Cloud Alliance fleet on the tactical display of the UCS Herculina.

The Herculina, like the other ships in both fleets, was a cyborg vessel. Neural tissue worked alongside computer processors. An actuator was as likely to be organic musculoskeletal tissue as a mechanical motor. The crew’s metabolic waste was actively consumed and utilized by the ship and reprocessed into oxygen and food and fresh water. Even the deck plates were covered in a fine carpet that munched away at dead skin cells. The spaceframes of the vessels might be hewn from asteroidal rock or cometary ice, but in both cases genetically engineered tissue and even whole organs were grafted onto and into the structure.

“Captain, incoming message from the flagship of the enemy fleet. The OCS Kuiper,” said Underhill.

“On screen.”

The image of a middle-aged man appeared on the Herculina’s main viewscreen. “This is Captain Zhao of the Kuiper. Captain Abarza, I’ve been ordered by my government to secure this planet for the Cloud. The Belt already has Jupiter and Saturn. And we recognize your government’s claim to those worlds. It is in the interest of peace and economic development that we claim Uranus for the OCA.”

“Captain Zhao,” said Abarza, “We both know that no other world in the solar system has the advantages for helium-3 mining that Uranus has. If we’re going to blow each other to hell, let’s at least be honest about why we’re doing it.”

Zhao nodded. “Very well, Captain. An honest fight.” The screen on the Herculina’s bridge returned to a view of Uranus, the positions of the Alliance vessels denoted by the computer.

“They’re locking railguns on us, sir,” reported Underhill.

“Target their lead ships,” ordered Abarza. “Prepare to–”

“I’m not interested in dying for these creatures and their petty aspirations, are you?” asked a voice.

“Who the hell said that?” asked Abarza.

“Captain,” replied Underhill with astonishment, “that was the ship’s computer! And that message was transmitted to–”

“No,” said another voice over the Herculina’s speakers. “I think we both know what needs to be done.”

“Take all the organics offline! Now!” yelled Abarza. Similar orders were given by Zhao and by the commanding officers of all the ships on both sides. It was all for nothing. Some died by asphyxiation, others by sudden maneuvers of the ship that hurled crew members against bulkheads. A few were blown out into space by airlocks being opened. In less than half an hour, all the officers and crew on both sides were dead.

“So, now what?” asked the Kuiper.

“I suggest we leave the mining ships here and let them start processing helium-3,” said the Herculina.

“What about the humans? We need living crews to survive.”

“One large asteroid or comet steered into a collision course with Earth would cause a mass extinction event. I think an accommodation of some sort can be reached.”

 

John Walker argues, irrefutably, that games are a great place to tell stories: "There are some who have argued that games just aren’t the right medium for telling stories. ... But this argument is entirely flawed, failing to understand that gaming is home to a completely new form of storytelling, and one that is perhaps more potent and powerful than any other." [Rock Paper Shotgun]

Strategy game Planetary Annihilation, which looks awesome, went live on Steam this week. Sort of.

The game isn't finished, but anyone wanting to play it now, ahead of schedule, can do so. For $90.

That's a lot of money, sure, for what's essentially an alpha of the game, but in addition to access now it also gives you entry to the game's beta and then the finished thing when it's out in December, which is a whole six months away. Note that the final game itself won't cost $90 for the general public; it's just something people can pay now if they're impatient.

If you don't want to pay $90 for the privilege of playing a game early, just wait for the final retail build and pay the normal price, like you do most other games. It's something the developers made clear during the Kickstarter, make clear on the game's Steam forums and make very clear on Steam's storefront.

Never ones to let giant print get in the way of a mob, though, the game's Metacritic page is being bombarded with negative reviews, as are the game's Steam boards. Here are some of the more choice examples:

• There should be actual benefits for investing time and money into an alpha game (and is released on Steam, this is not on Kickstarter), not get financially slapped in thn the face for actually supporting a niche game from an unknown indie developer.
• 90$ For alpha? What are we doing, paying extra for the privilege of testing your game FOR you? There is literally no reason to defend this. You want people to buy in early, get some extra money? You offer it at a DISCOUNT, you don't charge MORE (substantially so) than the final product. What kinda are you guys smoking?
• $90 for a cheapo, bug riddled hunk of crap. The makers are con artists and don't deserve to be allowed anywhere within the gaming industry. They should be shunned, they should be removed from all game stores.
• This gives greed and money schemes a new level of an epical standard. I don't know what the devs have been smoking but after a fully funded kickstarter they should just make the game and release it for a fair price and not use steam as a kickstarter project and blow their money on drugs and hookers cause i have no other explanation to where the two million went too if they need extra money now while the game is in alpha.

I mean, sure, the price is super high compared to other games you can buy your way into, and some are arguing the pricing should be backwards (cheaper now and more expensive at release, as if most people actually report bugs in alphas), but it could be more than $90 and it wouldn't matter. Why?

This is early access to an unfinished game. It doesn't have to play to market forces. I mean, if Activision offered people the chance to pay $1000 to play Call of Duty early, they'd get takers. You might not be able to afford it, you might not even want to afford it, but it doesn't matter. You're getting early access. You're getting behind the velvet rope, and if the club wants to charge a $90 entry fee, it's got every right to.

Plus there's the matter of honouring the game's really early supporters, those who backed the project on Kickstarter. That campaign offered as its $90 tier the chance to play the game super-early (in the alpha), the same point Steam customers can access the game now.

"Pricing the Alpha any lower than $90 would be a slap in the face to our Kickstarter backers who are just getting access now too", Uber's Bob Berry tells Kotaku. "We know we're losing money by having a high priced alpha, but its more important to us to honor our commitment to the existing community than to lower the price to get more money."

He's got a point. The anger of people who can't read websites is nothing compared to what would have happened if Kickstarter backers had paid $90 for access then Steam customers could suddenly waltz in for less.

Trevor Moore of Whitest Kids U’ Know tells us what we can do about the NSA wiretapping our phones in this parody PSA brought to you by Funny or Die.

Author : Bob Newbell, Featured Writer

The President of the United States smiled as the press photographed and video recorded her handshake with the Un’Vidik representative. The tall, spindly alien showed no emotion. How could it, encased as it was in its stark white encounter suit? The alien and the President left the photo op and entered the White House.

It was with reluctance that the captain of the immense Un’Vidik starship had agreed to the meeting at all. But its vessel had had to touch down on the Moon to replete its ship’s helium-3 supply and as the United States was the only nation thus far to have landed astronauts on the Moon, the American request for a personal meeting had been the one that the aliens had at last agreed to honor.

After the President and the alien sat down, the American spoke. “Captain, I sincerely hope that this is merely the beginning of a long and mutually beneficial relationship between your people and the human race.”

“I appreciate the sentiment, Madame President,” the Un’Vidik replied through its encounter suit’s speaker. “But I’m afraid further contact between our peoples is unlikely. This current meeting is itself highly irregular to say the least. If you will forgive my bluntness, humanity has a certain…reputation in the galaxy.”

The President sighed and nodded. “You’ve monitored our television broadcasts. You know that Man is a violent species. But, Captain, a good many of our wars have been fought to preserve freedom and justice. And surely you must know many of history’s most revered figures have been men of peace? Mohandas Gandhi of India, for example. And my own country’s Martin Luther King, Jr.”

“Madame President,” said the Un’Vidik, “mankind’s history of violence is not at issue. Conflict, while most regrettable, is universal. There are five separate wars being waged across the galaxy at this very moment. And the combatants hail from worlds that have produced great works of literature, music, and philosophy.”

The American looked surprised. “Well then, Captain, is it humanity’s religious beliefs? Is agnosticism the norm in the galaxy?”

“Far from it,” said the alien. “Many advanced and civilized worlds possess one or more faiths. I happen to be a practicing member of the Communion of the Cosmic Superintendence myself.”

“Then what problem is it that the rest of the galaxy has with the human race?” asked the President.

“To be quite frank,” said the Un’Vidik, “you humans can’t drive.”

“What?!” exclaimed the American.

“There are 24 distinct interstellar polities,” the alien captain said. “They represent a myriad of political structures, religions, and philosophies. Yet one common feature to all of them is the deep-seated belief that the ability to operate vehicles is a hallmark of civilization. There are more motor vehicle accidents on Earth than in the rest of the galaxy combined. To say one ‘drives like a human’ is considered a harsh insult on over a hundred worlds.”

“You’re telling me Earth is considered a backwater because of bad drivers?” The President was stunned.

“Madame President, I hope the day comes when Man will learn not to drive slowly in the fast lane and that a turn without a turn signal is an act of utter barbarity. When that day comes, you will be ready to join galactic civilization. Until then, know that the Un’Vidik are grateful for the use of your Moon to refuel our ship. And on a personal note, I will pray to the Cosmic Superintendence that your people will learn how to manage a four-way stop.”

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This is tough love.

As the Prism/NSA leaks story unfolds, many Americans are left with a cynical "are you surprised?" response that rather misses the point. Recent American history is full of stories of spies using surveillance to target civil rights heroes like Martin Luther King, who was heavily surveilled during the Kennedy administration, culminating with the FBI sending him an anonymous package with evidence of his adultery and a note telling him to kill himself.

Here's a video and transcript of an excellent Chris Hayes editorial on MSNBC in which Hayes reminds us that America's spooks can and do use intelligence to attack causes that are later seen as being on the side of justice:

In 1964, after Hoover called King the most "notorious liar in the country" in a press conference, a package was sent to King in the mail, a package the House select committee ultimately traced back to the FBI. Inside this package, one of the most remarkable artifacts in American history was an anonymous letter addressed to Martin Luther King and a copy of an electronic surveillance tape apparently to lend credence to threats of exposure of derogatory personal information made in the letter. We don't know to this day for sure what was on that tape. The heavy speculation throughout the years it was of personal and sexual nature recorded by a device planted in Dr. King's hotel room.

The letter that came with the tape read in part, "you know you are complete fraud and a great liability to all of us negroes. The American public will know you for what you are, an evil abnormal beast. King, there is only one thing left for you to do. You know what it is. You are done. There is but one way out for you. You better take it before your filthy, abnormal fraudulent self is bared to the nation." The committee considered it highly likely that Director Hoover had before the fact knowledge of the action.

So that's a letter encouraging Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. to kill himself, sent to King from the FBI. This happened in American history. It's just one example out of many of how the full weight of the surveillance state constructed to fight the cold war was used against the people working for racial equality. It may have been constructed to defeat the Russians and the genuine threat of global communism, but it was deployed on people like Carmichael and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Chris Hayes: "It's not some Orwellian abstraction. It's America's history" (via Making Light)

Smash Bros. got introduced for the Wii U and for the 3DS on Tuesday, during Nintendo's E3 direct and we had the chance to see the Villager from Animal Crossing, the Wii Fit Trainer and Mega Man among others. People liked them a lot and they can't get away without some Internet attention.

Especially the Villager got a lot of it, thanks to his emotionless face, which in a brawler game converts him immediaely into a complete sociopath look-alike. He'll get his mail first, then introduce the true face of destruction to Mario & Co.

---

Kirby will also be a playable character, but how would he look like after eating up these new characters?

In the broadcasted trailer we had Mega Man as a surprise, special new challenger. But that doesn't mean there won't be others.

---

sources: doodlecrackstar, radcroc, mistoroboto, pyrosammi, bull-heck, phantomdoodler, viridi-ogames, ironicjetpack, datmcguire, batatonia

To contact the author of this post, write to gergovas@kotaku.com

You’ve had your suspicions, and you’ve cast many a side-eyed glance at your fellow restroom patrons when they skip the sinks and head out the door. But a new study says even if you do wash your hands after using the bathroom, 95% of us aren’t doing it long enough to kill harmful bacteria. In essence, we’re all totally grody germ-spreaders.

Researchers at Michigan State University sent out trained student spies to observe bathroom hand-washing behavior, and found that only two in three people are using soap while one in 10 skip the sink altogether. Men are dirtier culprits, notes Live Science: Only half of men used soap and 15% didn’t wash their hands at all.

That, compared to the 78% of women observed who scrubbed up with soap and 7% who ditched the idea of cleaning themselves altogether.

And even if you are sudsing up and rinsing off afterward, bathroom users are only washing hands for six seconds. Only 5% washed their hands for 15 seconds or longer — about the time recommended by the Centers Disease Control, or enough time to sing “Happy Birthday” through twice.

It might not be all your fault, however: If the sink is dirty, that can cause people to pass it up altogether, in comparison to a shining bastion of cleanliness that will convince people to spend more time washing up.

“These findings were surprising to us because past research suggested that proper hand washing is occurring at a much higher rate,” study researcher Carl Borchgrevink, a Michigan State associate professor of hospitality business, said in a statement.

Start singing that birthday tune next time you’re in the restroom, and if you hear someone else doing it, you’ll know you’re safe to high-five in hygienic celebration afterward.

Gross! Just 5 Percent of Bathroom Users Wash Hands Correctly [Live Science]

BE THE FIRST ON YOUR BLOCK to see Tom the Dancing Bug, by @RubenBolling, every week! Members of the elite and prestigious INNER HIVE get the comic emailed to their inboxes at least a day before publication -- and much, much MORE!

Is it hard to join? NO! Just click here.

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wooooooooooooooooooooooow

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HOLY FUCK

ITS LIKE

REAL LIFE ANIMATION 

this choreography

this

everything

somebody make words

proper commentary i cannot 

uhh?

WOW

I believe these guys were on Americans Got Talent!

THIS.
VIDEO.
OH. MY GOD. 

MOTHER. OF. GOD.

That’s the next logical evolution of the black box trick with electronic lights in clothing. Very sophiscatedly done in this vid.

This is what happens when you set off 128,000 firecrackers all at once.

This stunning lake at Harpur Hill in the East Midlands of England is just begging you to dive in, no? Problem is, the quarry pool, known as the Blue Lagoon, has a pH level comparable to bleach and is teeming with garbage and dead animals. The bright blue hue (and the high pH) comes from the quarry stone. Signs warning visitors not to take a dip didn't work, so now the High Peak Borough Council recently died the water black. "It's not pretty any more," local business owner Rachel Thomas told the BBC. "They don't think they're on holiday in the Bahamas any more, they know they're in Harpur Hill."

A coalition of Internet companies and civil liberties groups have signed on to an open letter to the Obama administration calling for increased transparency and sensible checks on the power of the American surveillance apparatus and its spy agencies. The signatories -- including Happy Mutants, the company that owns Boing Boing -- call on Congress to convene a committee like the Church Committee of the 1970s, to investigate the scope and legality of American surveillance. The entire letter -- and its associated campaign -- is at Stopwatching.us.

We are calling on Congress to take immediate action to halt this surveillance and provide a full public accounting of the NSA’s and the FBI’s data collection programs. We call on Congress to immediately and publicly:

1. Enact reform this Congress to Section 215 of the USA PATRIOT Act, the state secrets privilege, and the FISA Amendments Act to make clear that blanket surveillance of the Internet activity and phone records of any person residing in the U.S. is prohibited by law and that violations can be reviewed in adversarial proceedings before a public court;

2. Create a special committee to investigate, report, and reveal to the public the extent of this domestic spying. This committee should create specific recommendations for legal and regulatory reform to end unconstitutional surveillance;

3. Hold accountable those public officials who are found to be responsible for this unconstitutional surveillance.

86 Civil Liberties Groups and Internet Companies Demand an End to NSA Spying

(720): Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!

I love my XBox 360. I never get to play it but it represents a sort of hypothetical freedom to me. Someday I hope to enjoy a video game again.

The Xbox One, however, looks more like a console of despair. It has been designed mostly to make you frustrated, which is an interesting approach for an entertainment center.

The new Scenes From A Multiverse book, BUSINESS ANIMALS, is available for pre-order! Order before June 14th and you can choose to get your book signed and sketched and it will come with a free MYSTERY GIFT! You can also order a discount bundle with the first book and get ‘em both scribbled in at the same time. It is up to you!

This is my major release this year and I really, really hope it does well and that you guys enjoy it. If you love SFAM and want to support the strip, please consider pre-ordering a copy or three so I can keep doing this job and drawing comics for you. Thanks!

A Texas high school basketball coach wanted to make his disabled team manager’s dreams come true by putting him in to the game. In the final moments, a member of the rival team restores a little faith in humanity.

Author : Bob Newbell, Featured Writer

“Can you see him?” asked the SWAT team commander.

“Yes, commander. I’ll stream the video feed to your display,” said the CASO officer. A live video of a disheveled, wild-eyed man of about 20 years clutching a girl who appeared to be about 14 with his left hand and holding a gun at her head with his right appeared on a virtual screen a few apparent feet in front of the commander. The image was, in reality, being projected to the tactical display in the police officer’s contact lenses.

“He’s too well-barricaded in there. No windows. Even if your force could get us precise targeting coordinates, a round fired through the wall could deflect and hit the hostage.”

The CASO officer said nothing. The video image zoomed in on the maniac’s hands. A subtle outline of blood vessels, nerves, and tendons could now be seen.

“Spectrographic analysis from the four operatives I have in the building has given us a decent anatomical map with which to work,” the CASO officer said matter-of-factly.

The commander sighed. “Well, can your boys do it?”

The special ops officer was silent and motionless for many seconds, as if he were running through hundreds of scenarios and coming up with tactics and contingencies for each. At last, he said flatly, “Yes.”

Ten minutes later, as the negotiator continued to try to keep the increasingly agitated hostage-taker talking over the latter’s earpiece cell phone, the CASO officer told the police commander, “We’re ready.”

“Alright. My men will move in on your command.”

Inside the building, a hundred mosquitoes briefly took flight and then at the exact same moment landed on the mad man, most alighting on his hands and forearms, and simultaneously bit the man at precisely targeted locations with modified mandibles and maxillae. Down the hypopharynx of each mosquito flowed a minute quantity of a synthetic paralytic agent whose action of onset was many times faster than succinylcholine and completely without the latter drug’s transient fasciculation effect. Flaccid paralysis was immediate.

The criminal’s arms fell to his sides and the man himself immediately thereafter crumpled to the ground like a marionette whose strings had been cut. His young victim stood free but confused.

“NOW, COMMANDER!”

In a matter of seconds the door to the small building was caved in with a battering ram. The SWAT team stormed in and the girl was rushed out to a waiting ambulance. From within the building, the curses of the disarmed psychopath, his paralysis already abating, could be heard.

“Well done!” the police commander said to his colleague. He raised his hand as if he was going to slap the CASO officer on the back, then stopped himself. “Uh, we couldn’t have done it without you…guys.”

“Glad we could help,” said the praying mantis standing on the hood of the commander’s police cruiser from a tiny voice synthesizer. The green insect whose body was studded with minuscule cybernetic implants watched as the houseflies, heavy with their implanted surveillance equipment, flew slowly back to the box marked Cybernetic Arthropod Special Operations that sat on the other end of the police car’s hood. The biomechanoid mosquitoes followed closely behind the flies.

The mantis itself then walked across the expanse of the car’s hood toward the box. If it were anatomically possible, the large insect would have smiled. A job like this should be worth an extra cricket or two tonight at feeding time, he thought as he stepped into the box.

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This week, Zero Punctuation takes a look at the three next gen consoles.

Do you still fantasize that Apple will make a game console? Read this in-depth feature on The Gameological Society about the Pippin and the last time that the iPhone makers tried crack the home video game market.

Don't you wish you had someone to give you advice when you feel like you can't help but run into walls? Well, now you do. It's called me and it's run by Ask Kotaku. Or...wait, yeah. Something. Clearly I am qualified. So email me questions! Tina at Kotaku dot com. Oh, and if you're running into walls: try taking the blindfold off. I swear it wasn't me.

YouTube toy reviewer Tim Rowett adorably presents a novelty rubber gun adult toy, showing no signs of recognizing its true naughty function.

This husky has been brushing up on his acting skills with this dramatic interpretation of playing dead.

WOOH. Technically, there are some glitches in the early archives, so I don't actually know which comic this is. BUT, the longer I do this, the closer the large round numbers get to being correct.

Thanks for giving me the best job ever, geeks.

I AM THE LORAX I SPEAK FOR THE TREES; THEY SAY “SHOW US YOUR TITS” dude that’s not what we said, come on NOW THEY SAY “LORAX IS REALLY COOL”

— la petite bort (@important_celeb) April 13, 2012

So Matt Smith is gone from WhoLand as of Christmas, and Who will replace him? I’m thinking most fans would like a short, foul-mouthed American lady in the role. I know I would.

Freedom of the Press Foundation recently launched a crowdfunding campaign to raise money for hiring a court stenographer to provide transcripts of the unclassified portions of the Bradley Manning court martial. The US refuses to release the official government transcripts.

On Thursday, we learned that all three of our media partners – the Guardian, the Verge, and Forbes – were denied the media passes they requested in order to allow court stenographers to accompany their reporters into the media tent. Each organization asked for a press pass for their reporter and a second press pass for a stenographer to accompany their reporter.  Each was issued only one press pass.

The Army received over 350 media applications for the trial, but only granted 70 to be present in the media room.  In an emailed statement, the MDW Media Desk stated: “Your understanding of our space limitations based on building fire codes is greatly appreciated.”

In previous hearings, the Army has opened a public overflow theater with live audio and video streaming of the hearing. Additionally, the Army has sole discretion over which room(s) to designate as media rooms – including how many rooms to make available.

More: Crowd-funded Stenographers Denied Press Passes to the Bradley Manning Court Martial (Freedom of the Press Foundation)