Corinne.brzeski

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. A helicopter parent is interfering with my tutoring sessions

I’m a tutor at a private center, and a while back we moved to online sessions due to covid. This is fine as I still love my job and most of my students are a joy to work with.

However, the mother of one of my students (let’s call her Lisa) is constantly hovering over her daughter (Jane) as I teach her. This never used to happen in person, as the parents would normally drop their kids off for us to teach. But Lisa is directly sitting beside Jane the entire time she is working, and cutting her and myself off to butt in. I often feel like I’m teaching her instead of Jane. It’s gotten to the point that Lisa turns on the camera and often moves it away from her daughter, and is the only person on screen. The other day I was explaining a concept to Jane, and at the end I asked, “Did that make sense, do you have any questions?” like I normally do, and Jane said that she understood the concept. Then Lisa looked at her accusingly and said, “Do you REALLY understand?” and Jane seemed caught off guard and started questioning herself. Also, I teach multiple students at a time, and when I need to go check in on the other student, Lisa prevents me from doing so.

Should I bring this up to my boss? I’ve known him for years and he’s wonderful to work with, but I’m not sure anything can be done because Jane is getting taught at home. It’s not like we can directly prevent Lisa from interfering, even though parents aren’t really supposed to. I understand Lisa just wants her daughter to be receiving the best tutoring possible, but at the same time, I really wish Lisa would stop hovering over Jane the entire time, because it creates a really uncomfortable environment for both me and Jane.

Talk to your boss! At a minimum he needs to know that Lisa is preventing you from checking on other students, and he may have input about how to handle the situation more generally. He might also be willing to talk with Lisa about what’s going on or empower you to. For example, could one of you tell Lisa that tutoring sessions will generally more effective one-on-one, or at least ask what’s making her want to sit in?

But even if he has nothing useful to offer, it’s good for him to be aware of what’s happening — in case Lisa complains at some point, or in case this is part of a broader trend with parents he should know about, or even just so he has context about a impediment you’re facing in doing your job.

2. Is a 50% raise possible?

I work in a field that has suddenly seen high demand (due to COVID-19, but will likely see high demand for the next decade at least). When I was hired, I was unemployed and didn’t have many options, but I lucked into a job that from a work perspective, I love. I have amazing coworkers, and the job itself is awesome.

When I was hired, I was making a little under market rate and now, with some important staffing losses, I am doing the job of someone two levels above me and being paid under market rate such that in order to get me at market rate (for the promotion I have been promised) I would need a 50% raise. However, due to COVID and the fact we are owned by a company that doesn’t like to give raises, I’m trying to decide what is reasonable. To be frank, I love the job and would like to stay, but I’m at an age where I’m locking in my earnings trajectory and it’s getting embarrassing (not to mention the optics to younger colleagues who see me as one of the very few women in our STEM based field). I am also very, very good at my job. I can make the argument for a 50% raise in terms of client engagement, product, and the fact that I’m on a number of company wide strategy initiatives with the C-suite, despite my entry level status. To be blunt, they are getting the milk for free, and they know it. I’m getting advice from a newcomer to the company to go out and get a competing offer, which feels gross (and you’ve spoken about) but I’d rather just know that they either will or won’t pay me what I’m worth, and make a decision from there. Am I being naive? Shooting myself in the foot? Or is a 50% raise something that is is within the wide range of possible?

Well … typically it’s difficult to get a 50% raise from your current employer. Not impossible, but rare. It’s frustrating, because often a company would pay $X to hire someone external, but will resist paying $X to someone internal who moves into the job if that’s much higher than the internal person was earning previously. Some companies even have rules about the maximum increase you can get in any one move. It’s bizarre and unfair, it perpetuates salary inequities, and it means people often feel they have to leave the company entirely to get what they’re worth.

That doesn’t mean you can’t try for it, armed with market info on what they’d need to pay to hire from the outside. And if they say no, then you’ll have know what is and isn’t possible for you there and can make decisions accordingly. In some cases there can be value in doing the job at the lower salary so you’ve got it on your resume and can then parlay it into a better job somewhere else — but you obviously have to balance that against the unfairness of it.

3. Juggling school and managing a team

Last year, my employer offered to pay in full for me to get a graduate degree through a local university. It’s been great and I’ve been learning a ton. I only have about 16 more weeks of active school time over the next several months, so the end is in sight. However, also in the past year, my team size has grown and their individual project loads have increased while timelines have decreased.

Unfortunately, this semester and the next one are the most intense. So between the workload and the school load, I’m kind of drowning. I’m spending all of my time outside of work on school stuff and even some of my actual work time (with the approval of my manager).

I know that I can make it through, but my concern is for my team. I’ve always prided myself on trying to be a good manager, but lately I’ve felt adequate at best. There have been times a team member has asked me to help take care of something and I’ve forgotten to do it until they followed up on it. I used to try to be looking five steps ahead on all of their projects, but lately I’m one step ahead at best. And I used to try to keep track of their goals and make sure I was creating opportunities for them to move forward on longer-term career goals, but I haven’t had a chance to do that at all this semester.

My bandwidth is past its maximum just between school and the core of my role. Knowing this isn’t a forever issue, how can I be better serving my team right now? I can tell sometimes that they’re frustrated when I don’t have the same level of feedback on things that I used to. I want to make sure that I’m still being a good manager, but there are literally not enough hours in the day to do it all.

Have you spelled this out for them? If not, that’s one of the most important things you can do right now. Explain what’s going on, name the impact you’ve seen it have, explain that it’s only for four more months, and ask them to bear with you until then. You could also ask them to prioritize for you what’s most important to them to get your focus on right now so that you’re spending your limited time on the things with the biggest pay-off for their work (subject to your own judgment as well, of course).

People are usually much more patient when they understand what’s going on and know how long to expect it to continue.

4. Why would an employer freeze PTO accrual?

My (nonprofit) employer recently announced that it will suspend PTO and sick leave accrual if our city announces a second mandatory shutdown that affects our site. Our sector has been decimated by the shutdowns in general, but we have a protected revenue stream that has sheltered us thus far. We’re basically okay but also on a strict austerity budget. Management has offered no rationale for suspending leave accrual. What advantage does this offer an employer? Is there an actual cost savings?

Accrued vacation and sick time is generally treated as a liability when it’s on a company’s books; it’s a debt that they owe to you at some point in the future. By freezing accrual, they’re stopping that liability from growing larger, which can help if they have plans to request loans or other financial assistance.

Also, if you’re in a state that requires vacation time to be paid out when people leave, they’re lowering that obligation as well.

5. My company wants me to do a bunch of events after I leave

I recently gave my two weeks’ notice to my current employer. I will end this position on a Friday and begin work at my new job on the following Monday. My current employer has repeatedly asked me to RSVP yes to exit interviews, goodbye parties (virtually of course) with several different teams, and other meetings after the start date of my new job. Even though I will be in a remote position, I feel uncomfortable blocking time on my calendar and taking hours away from my new job for non-essential meetings at my old job. Is this ethical? Is it okay to simply say, “no, I won’t be available” — will I be burning a bridge?

It is 100% okay to say, “Unfortunately, I’m not going to be available after (date) because of my schedule with the new job.” You will not be burning a bridge unless your current company is remarkably weird. (They might be remarkably weird, because it’s not at all normal to schedule exit interviews and other events after you’ve already left, but hopefully they’re not weird in the “holding a grudge over something normal” kind of way.) Just explain you’re going to be busy once you leave, and it should be fine.

a helicopter parent, is a 50% raise possible, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

I love these building-sized murals featuring butterflies by French street artist Mantra (Instagram). From a Colossal post about the artist:

In a conversation with Colossal, Mantra said he’s harbored a lifelong fascination with entomology that stems from spending hours in French gardens and bucolic areas as a kid. “As a child, I was interested, curious, and focused on the small life forms in those places,” he says. His current practice hearkens back to those carefree hours and connects with an adolescent desire to become a naturalist. “My approach is as a scientist,” the artist says, noting that education about environmental care and issues is part of the goal.

Although Mantra considers all insects and natural life beautiful and crucial to maintaining biodiversity, the focus on butterflies revolves around his artistic ambitions because the vivid creatures allow him to experiment with color, shape, and texture. Each specimen is rendered freehand before the artist adds detail and the illusory shadows that make them appear three-dimensional. By painting various Lepidoptera species again and again, the artist is “repeating a mantra,” a detail of his practice that informs the moniker he works under.

Using colorful African textiles, Bisa Butler makes large quilted portraits of Black Americans. From a statement on her gallery’s website:

In my work, I am telling the story — this African American side — of the American life. History is the story of men and women, but the narrative is controlled by those who hold the pen.

My community has been marginalized for hundreds of years. While we have been right beside our white counterparts experiencing and creating history, our contributions and perspectives have been ignored, unrecorded, and lost. It is only a few years ago that it was acknowledged that the White House was built by slaves. Right there in the seat of power of our country African Americans were creating and contributing while their names were lost to history.

In this short video, you can see how Butler creates her portraits. Look at the amazing sewing machine she uses — it’s got a steering wheel!

You can see more of her work on Instagram and in person at the Katonah Museum of Art in New York through Oct 4, 2020 and at the Art Institute of Chicago starting in November.

Update: I swapped out the previous video embedded above for a longer one that includes sound and an interview w/ Butler. (via @10engines)

It’s been one month and one day since our household started quarantine/isolation/stay-at-home. The buzz has worn off, as of approximately yesterday. Yesterday I thought it might just be a regular low/down day, but then this morning I woke up full-on discouraged and floppy. I listened to the news and heard that our president is still itching to “re-open the country” before we have anything near adequate testing or treatment. The gap between now and January is too wide, and already that narrowing gap was a very optimistic thing to be counting on. My mental imagery is of a plane going down: we can’t reach the runway in time, and it’s always been possible the runway wasn’t even there.

I heard that a lot of people got their stimulus checks yesterday; we haven’t been able to log into our account to see. When I say “we,” I mean Paul, who kept trying and trying until I suggested we maybe NOT do that, since we don’t need to know THIS VERY MINUTE and obviously the site is overloaded. We’re going to use our check to continue to pay our housecleaners not to come. That is, we were going to pay them anyway, but that is how we are mentally allocating it. Somewhere in the recesses of my flopping, exhausted, discouraged brain: “so lucky! you are so extremely lucky!” To have a bank where the check can be automatically deposited. To be able to wait to see if the check is there, because the need for it isn’t urgent. To be able to spend it without having to decide between rent and food and medical care. To be able to spend it on something optional.

Thinking about people who can’t buy groceries because they can’t find them AND CAN’T PAY FOR THEM is. Well. It is as terrible as always, multiplied by pandemic. We can all do what we can to help, but individual donations to charity don’t even come close to meeting the need, and it gets discouraging to be a bunch of individuals trying to pick up the slack of an ENTIRE GOVERNMENT. As a former Christian, it is even more maddening to know FULL WELL what Christianity specifically and extensively instructs Christians to do for the poor/sick/oppressed/refugee, and see a government claiming to be Christian but ignoring all of those instructions, and in fact actively making things much, much, much worse for the poor/sick/oppressed/refugee.

We have so little power, as individual citizens, despite all the pep talk about how we can change the world or whatever. I hope we can keep that in mind when we see things happening in other countries and wonder why the citizens “let” it happen. Bad people look for power, and they get it by whatever methods work for them, that is how this happens. We can try to make some little bits of good despite the bad, and that’s about it. I mean, let’s still do that, we should definitely still do that. But it’s discouraging to see how little we can do from the cabin to affect the falling airplane, or to change what’s going on in the cockpit.

(Alternate title for this post: “What If Just as an Experiment We Tried a Cockpit Without a Cock In it.”)

“I am tired of bringing food to the Queen to justify my existence,” a poster writes. “When does it end? When can I have some of the food I bring home? When will I see the value of my labor?”

“You goddamn traitor,” reads the top comment. “BITE,” writes another user. “BITE BITE BITE,” writes another.

“Someone just peed on my whole family,” says another post. “Rest in pees,” commiserates a commenter.

“Just found out my homie got crushed by human today RIP bro,” another poster says. Then: 25 replies, all variations of “F.”

Welcome to “A group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony,” a Facebook group with over 135,000 members who are, well, pretending to be ants in...

Continue reading…

This information this post is based on is several years old, more than several, but I was thinking about it today. When Edward was newly diagnosed with Crohn’s disease and was about to start on immune-system-suppressing medication, he had some bloodwork done, and also a TB test. I don’t remember why things happened in the order that they happened, but the upshot is that one of the things the bloodwork showed us was that Edward’s chicken pox vaccines had NOT been effective—but we found that out AFTER he was on the immunosuppressing medication, so it was too late to get the vaccinations redone. So he’s just not immune to chicken pox, despite being vaccinated on the recommended schedule.

I was AWARE, statistically-speaking, that a certain percentage of vaccinations don’t take. But somehow I didn’t expect MY PERSONAL CHILD to be affected. He had BOTH doses of the chicken pox vaccine, and right on schedule! How can they just…NOT HAVE WORKED? And why couldn’t it have been, say, Elizabeth, or Henry, or Rob, or William, who got the vaccinations and they didn’t work? Why EDWARD, who is now on immunosuppressants and CAN’T get any live vaccines and also now ABSOLUTELY CAN’T be exposed to chicken pox, on top of everything else he has to deal with? If Elizabeth (or Henry, or Rob, or William) got chicken pox, it would likely be similar to when I got it as a child: irritating and itchy and fully survivable. If EDWARD gets it, he has to go immediately for medical treatment, and he’s likely to end up hospitalized while it plays out, and that’s the HAPPY outcome.

Luckily for us, and for Edward, MOST kids in our area get the chicken pox vaccine, despite chicken pox not being a big deal for most people. So even though it would be very dangerous if he were exposed to a case of chicken pox, that’s not likely to happen. I don’t know the last time I even HEARD of anyone around here having chicken pox. I still worry about it, of course I worry about it—but what a treat, what a relief, that it’s not something I need to worry about MUCH. People who would probably not be in danger from chicken pox are nevertheless getting the chicken pox vaccine, so the population at large is less likely overall to have chicken pox, and so the population at large is less likely to expose Edward in particular to chicken pox.

It is not a good feeling, to go through life having something dearly treasured and so completely irreplaceable be so vulnerable to common dangers. My other kids will probably go to therapy later and complain that I loved Edward best because I was so fretful and protective, and I DON’T love Edward more than I love them, but I do worry about Edward more. He is no more treasured, and no more irreplaceable—but he is so additionally vulnerable to common danger.

I got the flu once when the twins were toddlers. The nurse who gave me the flu shot that year bragged about how quickly and painlessly she gave shots—and, as she pulled the needle out of my arm (so fast! so painless!), I saw the little arc of fluid, presumably my flu shot, vaccinating the air. I remember how sick and how exhausted I was. I would put the twins into their high chairs and then collapse into the recliner to close my eyes for 30 seconds. I would put some dry cereal onto their trays, and then weep a little while lying with my cheek on the cool kitchen floor. It went on for weeks. I was so tired. It lasted so long.

But I was in my thirties, and healthy and well-nourished, and not compromised in any way other than being the already-exhausted mother of toddler twins. I could be ill for awhile, and weep a little and collapse a little and lose a few pounds, and then recover.

Edward is not in that situation. He can’t just be ill and then rest and then recover. When he got a sinus infection, he ended up in the hospital twice, surgery twice, antibiotics for seven weeks. Things that are no big deal for other people are a big deal for him. This is true too of preemies, and of babies in general, and of elderly people, and of people already ill with something else, and of people whose flu shots didn’t work, and of lots of other people in lots of other circumstances.

I think of this every year when I get my flu shot. I have Edward to think of, but also my nephew, who is particularly susceptible to respiratory things, and my mother, who is also particularly susceptible to respiratory things. Of course I don’t want to get the flu again: I HATED having the flu! But it’s not about ME, because I can get the flu normally, and recover normally; it’s about Edward, and about my nephew, and my mother, and about making sure I don’t get the flu so I don’t pass it on to them. And in a broader sense, it’s so I don’t pass it on to any of the many, many other people I might not personally/individually care about in the same way, and yet of course I don’t want to hand an elderly woman a library book and have her die of my flu germs or whatever.

The trouble is that all of us are so IRREPLACEABLE. We can’t SPARE us. And so I would go so far as to say that all of us who are ABLE to do things to protect the more vulnerable among us have an actual ETHICAL DUTY to do so: a small thing for each of us to do, but something that collectively makes a HUGE difference in the protective barriers around others—like how I don’t have to worry so much about Edward getting exposed to chicken pox, the way I would have had to a generation ago. Even Paul, who hates needles and is the babiest of all babies about shots (“That STUNG so much more than LAST year!,” he complained TWICE when we got our flu shots today), gets his flu shot, to protect Edward and to protect our nephew and to protect everyone else’s Edwards/nephews/grandmothers/babies/irreplaceables.

The National Book Foundation has announced the finalists (and the longlist) for The 2017 National Book Awards. Among the nominees in the categories of fiction, non-fiction, young people’s literature, and poetry are The Future Is History: How Totalitarianism Reclaimed Russia by Masha Gessen, The Book of Endings by Leslie Harrison, I Am Not Your Perfect Mexican Daughter by Erika L. Sánchez, and Pachinko by Min Jin Lee.

I’m excited to see David Grann’s Killers of the Flower Moon on the list. I read it earlier this year and it was excellent.

Here are four updates from people who had their letters answered here recently.

1. My employee constantly talks about waiting for 5:00 and the weekend

This employee’s overall performance did not improve. I did not speak to her about her “5 o’clock” habit, but I did address other performance concerns as they arose.

She called in sick two days in a row, and because of deadlines, I had to get into her email to check the status of some things. While doing this, I came across an email with an odd attachment. It was a word document that our company normally sends to candidates as a PDF. I opened the word document with a sinking feeling because I knew what I would find.

Yep, she had taken a perfectly good PDF that was approved by the company for distribution, converted it to Word, and sent it out without looking at it. She had never asked me or a coworker any questions about whether or not we had a Word version/if she could produce one herself/etc. The PDF had been highly formatted, and some pages had scanned inserts — the word version was an absolute mess. There were literally pages with just random symbols on them and not a single intelligible English word. (But don’t worry — our company name was still prominently displayed on the top!)

She was fired the next day. During her termination she revealed that she had not looked at the Word document prior to sending it out. I honestly don’t know whether that is better or worse than her having looked at it before sending it out.

2. My company is insisting my employee use a chair that’s way too big for her (#2 at the link)

The employee in question ended up leaving for a new job. She was open and upfront with me that the chair and being uncomfortable was one of the main factors for doing it. She was a great worker and I was sad to see go leave but I understood why she was going and gave her a good reference and made sure she knew she can count on one in the future. Her issue with the chair was the width (side to side) and not the depth (as some of the comments suspected). She was tall enough that the chair was fine from the front to the back, as I said it was the side to side causing the problems. There was room enough for a second person of her size to sit next to her and even then they both still would have had some room. It was wide enough to cause issues with her comfort and she could not use the armrests at all.

If it was up to me, I would have given her a different chair but our company clearly stated they would not approve an order for any other chair for her and would not pay for it. We don’t have any petty cash and she (rightfully) refused to pay money for a chair the company would have disallowed her from using anyways. We sent HR and the health and safety department a photo of her sitting in it and the response was that most people like their chairs to be roomy. I’m job hunting because I’m upset at how this was handled. My other team members were upset at how she was treated also.

3. I want my department’s monthly public praise (#5 at the link)

Reading the comments from readers was especially helpful getting through this problem. I was feeling overwhelmed and underappreciated at work, and seeing everyone but myself getting acknowledged was eating at me. The overarching theme from comments was spot on: it might feel good in the moment but doesn’t do anything in the long run.

How do I know it was spot on? Because last month, I was given the award. (Five people nominated me at the same time because they all thought it was unfair I had not received it. I had also completed a difficult project.) It felt good for about five minutes, and then everything went back to normal. I was still overwhelmed and under-appreciated — the only difference was this brightly colored ornament temporarily living in my office. However, getting the award did give me a boost of confidence and some confirmation that I’m good at my job, which was a message I needed. Thank you everyone!

4. Reaching out to the person I’m replacing, who might be unhappy about losing the job (#2 at the link; first update here)

I have just been offered a position at another university (had a great application thanks to your general CV, cover letter and interviewing advice, hence my thanking you yet again for running your blog). This halves my commute and is a $15k payrise to put me into six figures, which I never dreamed I would achieve as a female academic with two young children, before I was 45-50 (I am 38).

I am so excited about my career progression now – sorry about the gushy email I am just extremely high on life right now :D.

4 updates from letter-writers (the clock watcher, the over-sized chair, and more) was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

In a film shot by Bruno D’Amicis & Umberto Esposito, a normal tree in a forest is kept under observation for an entire year. A surprising number of animals were seen in that time, including boars, wolves, foxes, badgers, deer, and bears.

Four seasons unfolding around a crossroad of smells, signals and messages left behind by the extraordinary wildlife of the Apennines. What you see here is just a small part of this incredible experience.

In the past two years, we have understood that in the vastness of the forest each tree is unique. There are trees where to lay your eggs or where to find a safe cover; trees on which to look for food or, simply, to scratch your back and thus leave behind a trace of your passage. Who knows how many of such trees are around…

A quiet reminder that the world goes on without us.

PBS is airing a documentary in September about Muppets creator Jim Henson called In Their Own Words: Jim Henson.

I had never really noticed before that Henson's natural speaking voice obviously sounds a lot like Kermit. (via @khoi)

Behold, 55 hours of music from the 90s, focused on alt-indie music, organized in chronological order. For logistical reasons, it's split up into three playlists:

Here are some notes on the list's construction as well as links for the Spotify versions. I was 16 in 1990 and this was exactly the kind of music I listened to for most of the decade. I'm actually afraid to listen...I don't know what secrets these tracks will unlock in the dark reaches of my soul.