Cowboy Who?

I keep hearing from people asking about the best way to explain a layoff right now, or a work gap on their resume caused by the current outbreak.

You will not need to explain it.

Everyone will get it.

Many of your interviewers will have been in the same situation themselves. If they weren’t, they’ll know plenty of people who were — spouses, kids, parents, friends, and other loved ones.

People tend to worry too much about explaining layoffs and work gaps under normal circumstances. You really don’t need to worry about them right now.

What happened in 2020 is going to be remembered and understood for a long time.

This is one thing you don’t need to feel anxious about right now.

you won’t need to explain your current work gap was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

INTRODUCTION

JARED: Welcome to our Passover Seder. The history of the Jewish people reaches back nearly 4000 years—

IVANKA: Wait, we’re holding the Seder with just the two of us?

JARED: In times of great adversity, Jews find comfort in their traditions. (He lights the candles.) As we say the blessing over the candles, this Passover we give thanks to Mitch McConnell for keeping your father in office, and to the coronavirus—

IVANKA: Wait, what?

JARED: To stop the pandemic, your father tapped me to mobilize the private sector, so I tapped my brother Josh and his insurance company Oscar Health. I told Josh to copy and paste the CDC’s evaluation questions onto his website. Here’s the beautiful part: once people start taking his online survey, Oscar Health will soon be able to bill the federal government for “virus evaluation.”

IVANKA: Wow, and I thought Josh was the smart one because he got into Harvard on his own, but that’s genius, Jared.

JARED: Thank you. I came up with the idea between brokering Middle East Peace, solving the opioid crisis, and googling about ventilators.

IVANKA: How do we benefit, though?

JARED: I don’t want to discuss the intricacies of corporate holding companies on Passover. It’s time for the blessing over the wine. (Holds up a cup of wine.) This wine, provided by Eric Trump Winery, symbolizes the sweetness of unfettered power and influence.

IVANKA: Amen.

PARSLEY

JARED: (Holds up a sprig of parsley.) The parsley on our Seder plate represents spring and the earth’s natural bounty. Speaking of which, would you like to take a walk later and check out the cherry blossoms on the National Mall? It’s closed to the public but no one will stop us.

IVANKA: …

JARED: I mean, we’re quarantined in the same house, yet I never see you.

IVANKA: I’m social distancing.

JARED: We dip the parsley into salt water representing the tears of a man who only wishes to spend some quality time with his wife.

IVANKA: (Rolls eyes) I’ve had my hands full staging Instagram photos with three kids and no nanny.

MATZAH

IVANKA: (Breaks a piece of matzah and holds it up.) This matzah is the bread of affliction. Though afflicted by relentless insults on Twitter, we thank God for the millions we’ve earned since becoming senior White House advisors. It is enough — Dayenu.

THE FOUR QUESTIONS

JARED: Have I read enough articles on WebMD about coronavirus to call myself an expert?

IVANKA: How much longer before I can flood the Chinese market with Ivanka Trump fashions?

JARED: Will I ever become Ambassador to Israel?

IVANKA: Where does it actually say a President’s job is to solve a national health crisis?

THE FOUR CHILDREN

JARED: The Torah instructs us to teach our children the story of Passover. Where are the children anyway?

IVANKA: I’m making the nanny help them find the afikoman over Zoom. No reason she can’t pitch in just because we fired her.

JARED: It’s not too late to have another baby, you know.

IVANKA: …

JARED: You know, having four children is very biblical.

IVANKA: …

MIRIAM’S CUP

JARED: A cup of water is placed on the table to honor the prophet Miriam. We embrace this modern Passover tradition as passionate supporters of women. And I am the most passionate supporter of the most beautiful woman in the world. (He reveals a previously hidden cup.) Behold the “The Ivanka Cup.” Nothing says, “Let’s have another baby” like a diamond-encrusted 14K-gold kiddush cup.

IVANKA: I’m having my third cup of wine now.

THE PASSOVER STORY

JARED: Now it’s time to retell the story of Passover. A Pharaoh came to power in Egypt who feared the Jews—

IVANKA: Can’t we skip this part? Jews in slavery, plagues, blah, blah, they hang out in the desert, eat flatbread, and go swimming in the Red Sea. Sounds like Coachella.

JARED: I’ve never attended. I know this quarantine has been hard on you, living without housekeepers and daily massages, but you’ve got to stay strong, Ivanka. You’re like a modern-day Anne Frank.

IVANKA: Maybe I should start a blog?

JARED: Maybe we should go to our doomsday bunker in New Zealand? The architect just emailed that the indoor pool is complete.

IVANKA: I can’t leave the country in the middle of a pandemic. America’s working moms depend on me to boost their spirits. #TogetherApart #ImJustLikeYou

EXPLANATION OF PASSOVER SYMBOLS

SHANK BONE

IVANKA: (Holds the shank bone limply.) The shank bone represents the sacrificial lamb Jews slaughtered the night they left Egypt. This Passover we engrave the shank bone with BIDEN.

JARED: Sometimes I think you don’t take your Judaism seriously.

IVANKA: What about your Judaism? Tell me, which plagues are the residents of your housing projects suffering under this Passover? Flies? Lice? Roaches?

JARED: All of a sudden you’re a champion of the downtrodden?

IVANKA: Oh, look: it’s wine time again. (She downs a full glass.)

BITTER HERBS

IVANKA: (Waves the bitter herbs in his face.) These bitter herbs represent the bitterness of a man whose wife has higher favorability ratings.

CHAROSET

JARED: This is charoset, a delicious Passover favorite that balances the bitterness of the maror. It’s made with apples, honey, and a dose of hydroxychloroquine. I got extra to balance your father’s bitterness over everyone liking Cuomo more than him.

ROASTED EGG

(JARED stares into space, as if he were deep in thought. IVANKA scrolls through Instagram.)

JARED: Can we not argue on Passover. We’re both fighting for the same things: wealth and privilege. (He holds up the egg.) Let this roasted egg symbolize the rebirth of our nation… and perhaps our relationship?

(IVANKA likes an old Instagram photo of her brothers smiling next to a dead elephant they hunted.)

WELCOMING ELIJAH

IVANKA: OK, whatever, you’re right. Let us welcome the prophet Elijah who will lead the way for peace in the world and between us.

JARED: Where’s Elijah’s cup?

IVANKA: Christ, are you really going to insist on dirtying an extra glass? It’s expensive enough as it is to FedEx our dirty dishes to the housekeeper without adding more.

CONCLUSION

JARED: As we conclude our Seder, we remember life is a mixture of bitter and sweet. People will likely die due to my incompetence, but the bitterness of death is countered by the sweetness of controlling the nation’s stockpile of medical supplies. This year we are here; next year in Jerusalem. Or New Zealand.

See also:
2017 edition
2018 edition
2019 edition

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Families and advocates for nursing home residents are calling on Texas officials to release the numbers and names of facilities where coronavirus infection has been reported, as other states have done.

The Vermont senator is exiting the 2020 race, bowing to the commanding delegate lead that former Vice President Joe Biden has established.

There’s now a “Work and COVID-19” link right at the top of the righthand sidebar, and in the top menu too. It’ll take you to a compilation of useful info you might be looking for, including info on the new unemployment law, the new paid sick leave law, where to report employers violating essential-business-only orders, and more. I’ll update it as things change.

I’ve put a bunch of info on work and COVID-19 in one place was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

The public radio stations that make up The Texas Newsroom are tracking cases and deaths based on counts from the Center for Systems Science and Engineering at Johns Hopkins University.

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration has authorized the drug for “emergency use” among some COVID-19 patients “for whom a clinical trial is not feasible.” But medical experts caution that it is untested and carries significant risks, including heart arrhythmia that can lead to cardiac arrest.

More than 14,000 people have now been hospitalized in New York City for COVID-19. But two large overflow facilities have been operating far below their capacity.

(Image credit: Kena Betancur/Getty Images)

Citing public health concerns due to the coronavirus pandemic, Wisconsin Gov. Tony Evers issued an executive order suspending in-person voting for the state's April 7 statewide election.

(Image credit: Morry Gash/AP)

The pandemic is keeping cars parked, which means fewer crashes — and big savings for auto insurers. Allstate and American Family Insurance have decided to return that extra cash to customers.

(Image credit: Josh Edelson/AFP via Getty Images)

Acting Prime Minister Leo Varadkar reregistered as a medical practitioner with the country's Health Service Executive in March and will begin to work one shift a week.

(Image credit: Donall Farmer/Getty Images)

New York City is struggling to handle the high number of people who have died from COVID-19. So many people have died that officials are looking to temporarily bury the bodies in a city park.

"Over the course of this afternoon, the condition of the prime minister has worsened and, on the advice of his medical team, he has been moved to the Intensive," U.K. officials said.

(Image credit: Pippa Fowles/10 Downing Street/AP)

Horacio Arruda was a little known bureaucrat. Now his face is on T-shirts, loafs of bread and memes and videos all over social media. Quebec's deputy health minister has become a local celebrity.

(Image credit: Quebec's Health Ministry)

School leaders in New York City, Washington, D.C., and Las Vegas are abandoning the videoconferencing service after reports of meetings being disrupted by intruders.

(Image credit: Olivier Douliery/AFP via Getty Images)

During an unannounced visit to the USS Theodore Roosevelt on Sunday, acting Navy Secretary Thomas Modly tried justifying to its catcalling crew members his sacking of their skipper.

(Image credit: Saul Loeb/AFP via Getty Images)

New Cyanide and Happiness Comic

1. You dress for dinner in order to provide a thin veneer of civilized society to your isolated, milestone-less existence. Only two other people, with whom you socialize during all your waking hours, see your outfit.

2. The household cook stockpiles supplies, which can be difficult to procure.

3. Visitors are rare and treated with skepticism.

4. Children are tutored at home.

5. Your biggest problem is that you have fallen in love with a rich yet seemingly unavailable man. And some people you know are big gossips.

6. Your biggest problem is that you live in a nation unprepared to combat a global health crisis due to the anti-scientific, anti-government selfishness and foolishness of an elected demagogue, and that your own life and the lives of your family and friends are at risk, and that thousands of people have already died, and thousands more will die, and many of these deaths were and are preventable.

Heroine in an English country house novel: 5
Member of a global pandemic household: 6
Both: 1-4

In what seems like years ago, last week, the National Endowment for the Arts spent the last of its budget on a nationwide project to document life before coronavirus, when Americans were confined to their homes and forgot everything that had come before. While most interviewees remembered precious little of their lives as far back as last week, historians were able to gather a handful of stories, painting a vague picture of what life was like before the country descended into a timeless, unmeasurable miasma roughly 7-8 days ago.

Carlos

“I don’t remember much, to be honest. What I did for work, what I liked to eat, it’s all gone. All I have now are artifacts. Look at these things – the writing is faded, but you can just make out COOZIE FOR YOUR BOOZIE. Not sure what these were used for, but I’ve been using them as socks ever since I ran out of socks. They’re surprisingly plush.”

Julia

“I’m pretty sure I loved my kids. I must have, because there are so many photos of them everywhere. Now they’re covered in pasta sauce and we’ve forgotten their names (I’m fairly certain one of them goes by ‘Taylor’ but couldn’t hazard a guess as to which). After school closed, the drudgery of entertaining them non-stop for several days in a row just broke us down. Now we mostly put them in the bathtub and let them figure it out. The smaller one seems to somehow have mastered basic plumbing in there, which does give me hope for the future.”

Rich

“When the orders came to shelter in place, me and my roomies were not prepared. The only bulk food supply we had was Cool Ranch Doritos, so we’ve pretty much lived off those for as far back as I can remember. We even planted a few in the backyard, so I think with the spring harvest we’ll pull through. Did everyone else abandon clothes, or was that just us?”

Ana Sophia

“The story passed down through generations is that I was studying Communications. Who can say if it’s true? The generation passing the story down is my parents, reminding me they still have to pay my student loans, but is money even real anymore? I still have all the books, but then literacy faded so quickly over the weekend, or at least mine did.”

Paul

“Well, as soon as the boys moved home, it was clear we had too many adult males in the house and we’d have to divide up the territory. It was a pretty brutal battle, I lost a part of my arm, but we sorted it out. Paulie Jr. has the upstairs, Lenny’s over the garage, and I’ve got the basement den. The kitchen’s neutral territory where we trade resources we can’t find in our own territories. Lenny’s our only reliable supply of batteries and that guy drives a hard bargain. He’s surrounded his territory with a whole bunch of mouse skulls on pikes, which is amazing because I didn’t even know we had a mouse problem. The kitchen is also where we call a nightly truce for dinner because Cheryl’s the only one who remembers how to work the stove.”

Clara

“I’m 103 years old; I lived through the Spanish Flu and the Great Depression. I remember everything and let me tell you, there ain’t shit worth retelling. Now get off my porch, I’ve got polka class on the Zoom!”

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Later he finds his true calling being forgotten about at the end of lines of code.

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I wonder if you could convince people that humans naturally have feathers when not eating a toxic western diet.

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As Houston enters its fifth week dealing with the coronavirus, Houston Public Media provides more live updates.

New Cyanide and Happiness Comic

Indie Rock Pete is being hard on himself, for once