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14 Nov 17:50

Review: “Chryssa & New York” at the Menil Collection, Houston

by Melissa L. Mednicov
Image of a canvas with neon letters

Chryssa, “Classified,” 1960, neon, oil on canvas, and wood. 52 1/8 × 37 × 7 1/2 inches (132.4 × 94 × 19.1 centimeters). Collection Irene Panagopoulos. © The Estate of Chryssa, National Museum of Contemporary Art Athens

Chryssa & New York at the Menil Collection focuses on the Greek-born artist’s career during the late 1950s to 1970s, when she worked in New York City’s Coenties Slip area, among artists such as Ellsworth Kelly and Agnes Martin. The exhibition and its catalog provide a timely intervention to assert the artist’s presence in avant-garde art making practices. There are likely many reasons Chryssa has been neglected by art history and exhibitions: she does not fit easily into an art movement (sometimes she is grouped with Pop, but usually not), and she has also fallen victim to the longtime gendered erasure in art history. A cursory database search brings forth few focused studies of Chryssa, with the Chryssa & New York exhibition catalog as the most recent text on her in over two decades.

Image of a piece that looks like a mewspaper

Chryssa, “Newspaper,” ca. 1962, transfer print and pencil on canvas, 104 1/2 × 120 1/2 × 1 inches (265.4 × 306.1 × 2.5 centimeters). The Menil Collection, Houston. © The Estate of Chryssa, National Museum of Contemporary Art Athens. Photo: Adam Neese

Chryssa & New York provides the proving grounds for the re-assertion of Chryssa’s work within the avant-garde practices of the postwar period. To enter the exhibition, you pass her Cycladic Books (which vary in date, with most dated in the 1950s) in the main hallway, connecting an ancient Greek past and the artist’s lineage to the Menil’s collection of Cycladic sculpture. Her work looks comfortable alongside the B.C.E. pieces — mysterious in their meaning, the Cycladic sculptures render her work even more ambiguous. Past and present coexist alongside one another; the materials of her books, terracotta and marble, appear as more freshly made ruins. Throughout the show, Chryssa continually exploits technology, language, and ruin. 

Image of a mixed media piece with different letters and neon

Chryssa, “Americanoom,” 1963, aluminum, steel, stainless steel, and neon, 90 × 108 inches (228.6 × 274.3 centimeters). Collection Lowe Art Museum; Gift of Mr. and Mrs. Aron B. Katz. © The Estate of Chryssa, National Museum of Contemporary Art Athens. Image courtesy Lowe Art Museum at the University of Miami. Photo: Oriol Tarridas

Inside the exhibition, Chryssa’s use of neon and language — and connecting both to the experience of New York City — is everywhere. Works such as Times Square Sky (1962) appear as an unreadable jumble of distressed letters, except the blue “air” that’s lit up. Another work in the first gallery, Americanoom (1963), uses similar salvaged letters alongside neon lights. In this piece, things are more difficult to decipher. Automat (1971), on the other hand, is legible, each letter of the title illuminating against a white plaster background and letters. The technology and brightness of the neon rises out of the background; Chryssa exploits plaster’s textural ability to appear bandaged, or like some kind of older excavation site. Works such as the Les Toyota Sales (n.d.) and Classified (1960) are where the artist’s possible Pop connections reside. These works, through her use of language and source material, create connections to Jasper Johns and Andy Warhol; yet she still asserts her own style — and signature — in both. She plays with language; sometimes you can read the letters, but not the word — other times, the letters get lost, too. 

Photo of letters in aluminum, steel, and neon

Chryssa, “Times Square Sky,” 1962, aluminum, steel, and neon, 60 × 60 × 9 ½ inches (152.4 × 152.4 × 24.1 centimeters). Collection Walker Art Center, Minneapolis; Gift of the T.B. Walker Foundation, 1964. © The Estate of Chryssa, National Museum of Contemporary Art Athens

The Gates to Times Square (1964-66) beckons in the next room. The monumental sculpture is exhibited alongside its preparatory works and other neon pieces. The bustling urbanscape of New York City is asserted in various exhibition spaces. After leaving, I realized the Menil was as quiet as ever; yet somehow, in the immediacy of those rooms, I remembered it being noisy. The Gates appears stately, waiting for your entry into its gallery. The work includes four arches on each side, forming the letter “A” spliced in half. The majority of the work appears industrial in its materials: stainless steel, plexiglass, and neon. Paper, yellowed with time, tops the “A.” The electric workings are evident from the back of the piece, and the stainless steel appears similar to scaffolding when seen from behind. Although no person can fit through (nor are they allowed to go) the center of the gates, they appear like some kind of industrial, technological entry to an abandoned city instead of an ancient portal to Athens.

Installation view of a sculpture with steel, aluminum, and neon

Installation View of “Chryssa & New York.” Photo: Paul Hester

Signs and language continue to toy with the viewer in other spaces. Language becomes an effigy, frozen and lost, in Bronze Tablet No. 2 (1956). The work seems to be a lost printing press in newspaper font, telling us the news the day before a city was destroyed. A similar effect, included in another gallery with Chryssa’s prints, occurs with Newspaper Print (One Page of Classified Ads) from 1963, its cast aluminum reading as coppery bronze — a lost artifact of indecipherable sales items.

Other works alongside Bronze Tablet No. 2 use white plaster to connote a loss of language: letters are legible from certain perspectives in Plaster Letter Plaque (1962) and kept under plexiglass. In N’s (1969), the letter is placed on its sides, readable from, again, only particular viewpoints, the viewer filling in their own “o” for the word “no,” a disavowal of coming together for meaning. A similar operation occurs in Composition Bach (late 1950s), where the composer’s name is separated by letter and positioned sideways. Each letter multiplies, elongating visually a kind of “B-A-A-A-A-A-C-C-C-C-H-H-H-H-H” proclamation, making audible what was once incomprehensible. In a neon work in the room, Five Variations on the Ampersand (1966), the illuminated symbol breaks apart and divides, only sometimes coming together to be “and.” 

Installation view of two dimensional works on a white wall at the Menil

Installation View of “Chryssa & New York.” Photo: Paul Hester

The exhibition closes its circle with Chryssa’s large newspaper works, including the Menil’s Newspaper (c. 1962) and the smaller The Stock Market (1962). The last exhibition gallery is the most “Pop” of the bunch with its legible (yet still often unreadable) mass culture and media source materials — newspapers, advertisements, car tires, and stock markets. In the end, the newspaper and the economic machine of capital (the stock market) are generally inaccessible in how the text appears. The larger the newspaper painting, the more expectation we might have to be able to read it. Yet this generally is not the case. What do appear legible are advertisements for sales and movies, such as Gone with the Wind. In The Stock Market, numbers have no meaning; manipulated by Chryssa on the page, the numbers that dictate and determine lives appear as indecipherable as scribbles. The large white newspaper paintings and the ghost-like car tires of Car Tires (1959-62) become fossils of industry. 

Installation view of works in vitrines at the Menil Collection

Installation View of “Chryssa & New York.” Photo: Paul Hester

A friend mentioned how Chryssa’s works such as Flight of Birds (1957-1960, from the Menil Collection) seemed made for the museum’s architecture. The austerity of the white walls, with minimal label information, informs and activates an impression of the quietude against which you view parts of ruins and archeological time on display in places like museums and archives. From photographs I’ve seen of the exhibition at the Dia Art Foundation, the space’s brick walls and loft-like windows appeared to connect the exhibition more presently to New York City (in addition to the space’s geographical closeness, compared to Houston), a more immediate one-to-one of the show’s ruin and landscape. The exhibition at the Menil Collection appears as a promise: one day our cities, gates, and language will be to future humans how ancient Greece in the Cycladic era is to us today. 

Photo of neon letters on a frame

Chryssa, “The Automat,” 1971, neon and plaster, 37 × 29 × 6 3/4 in. (94 × 73.7 × 17.1 cm). Abrams Family Collection. © The Estate of Chryssa, National Museum of Contemporary Art Athens. Photo: Bill Jacobson Studio, New York, Courtesy Dia Art Foundation

 

Chryssa & New York is on view at the Menil Collection through March 10, 2024. It is co-curated by Michelle White, Senior Curator at the Menil, and Megan Holly Witko, External Curator at the Dia Art Foundation. The exhibition originated at the Dia Art Foundation and will travel to Wrightwood 659 in Chicago. 

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11 Nov 14:14

Corpus Christi’s Art Museum of South Texas Offers Free Admission This Winter

by Jessica Fuentes

The Art Museum of South Texas (AMST) in Corpus Christi has announced that admission to the museum will be free from now through January 3, 2024.

An aerial photograph of the Art Museum of South Texas.

The Art Museum of South Texas’ campus

With support from H-E-B, the Texas-based supermarket chain, the museum is waiving admission costs this holiday season. Additionally, H-E-B has purchased 30 Christmas trees to be given to area-families in need. The trees will first go on display as part of the museum’s annual Christmas Tree Forest, and then will be taken down and distributed to families. 

In a press release, Rob Hall, H-E-B Group Vice President – Gulf Coast, said, “As long standing supporters of the Art Museum of South Texas, we are always looking for fun and exciting ways for families to create memories. Free admission to the museum will create accessibility for families during the holiday season.”

A photographof a row of decorated Christmas trees in front of nearby works of art.

Christmas Tree Forest at the Art Museum of South Texas

The annual Christmas Tree Forest has been a part of the museum’s winter celebrations since 1972. In 2009, the Junior League of Corpus Christi, an organization of women focused on leadership and community impact, began organizing the event. Each year,  trees are decorated by local students, teachers, and families in the theme of a children’s book. 

Sara Morgan, Director of AMST, noted, “The Christmas Tree Forest is always one of our most popular exhibitions with many families making it an annual tradition to visit while the trees are on display. We are excited to expand access to the Forest and hope that members of our community who have never had the opportunity to view the Christmas Tree Forest will enjoy this special event with their friends and family.”

The Christmas Tree Forest opens on Saturday, November 18 and will be on view for a month. On December 9, the museum will host a free Family Fun Day with art activities, live entertainment, and photos with Santa. Learn more about these and other upcoming events at AMST via the museum’s website.

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11 Nov 14:14

Top Five: November 9, 2023

by Glasstire

Glasstire counts down the top five art events in Texas.

For last week’s picks, please go here.

A work of art by Sarah Sudhoff featuring a jagged line being repeated into the background where it disappears.

Sarah Sudhoff, “Echo 1 (1:3),” 2020, archival pigment on metallic paper, 24 x 20 inches

1. Volume 1: Rise
Throughline (Houston)
November 10 – December 16, 2023
Opening November 10, 6-9 p.m.

From Throughline:

“Throughline, a new artist-run gallery in Midtown Houston, is holding its inaugural exhibition, Volume 1: Rise. The exhibition highlights work from its founding members and epitomizes the spirit of the new collective: diverse, cutting-edge, and collaborative. The exhibition opening is on November 10th from 6:00 p.m. to 9:00 p.m., and the exhibition will be on view until December 16th at their 3909 Main Street address at Isabella Court. Throughline is open Fridays and Saturdays from 12:00 p.m. – 6:00 p.m. Volume 1: Rise will be followed by a second group show, Volume 2: Run, scheduled for early 2024.

A sculpture of a realistic looking clown, with a rainbow wig, striped suit, and full makeup, lays on the ground.

Installation view of “Ryan Hawk: a long leash” at Sweet Pass Sculpture Park

2. Ryan Hawk: a long leash
Sweet Pass Sculpture Park (Dallas)
September 9 – November 18, 2023

From Sweet Pass Sculpture Park:

“Utilizing a wide array of materials, such as recycled architectural glass and artist-manufactured bricks, artist Ryan Hawk showcases a command of concepts and techniques from realistic figurative sculpture to collaged found footage. a long leash unfolds across the Sweet Pass grounds, tucking into the park’s foliage and reimagining the space inside SP2.”

A designed graphic promoting a show by Andie Flores.

To Get There… You Must Undergo… A Radical… Transformation…

3. To Get There… You Must Undergo… A Radical… Transformation
Crashbox (Austin)
Performances November 10 – 19, 2023

From Andie Flores:

“This November, Austin-based writer and performer Andie Flores (she/her, b. 1990) directs and stars in To Get There… You Must Undergo… A Radical… Transformation…, a new stage show about a clown who, at the head of a year-long depression, falls asleep watching The Wizard of Oz. Stuck inside a twisted, Oz-like version of her dream, the clown must confront all the things she thinks might get her to the other side of her misery. Can she learn to love the parts of herself she hates or is the solution to become an entirely different self altogether? The story follows Flores as the clown with drag artist Arinna (she/they) as the clown’s idealized self.”

A logo for Dallas Zine Fest.

Dallas Zine Fest 2023

4. Dallas Zine Fest 2023
Fair Park (Dallas)
November 11, 2023, 12-5 p.m.

From Dallas Zine Fest:

“Dallas Zine Fest is back for 2023 with a new venue in Fair Park. Dallas Zine Fest 2023 is Saturday, November 11, 12:00–5:00 p.m. at Fair Park Visitor Center (3535 Grand Avenue). Dallas Zine Fest will host 78 vendors across a wide array of printed media. A food truck from local favorite Las Almas Rotas will serve specialty cocktails, tacos, and more. The event is open to the public and always free to attend.”

A work of art by Chris Adams.

Chris Adams, “Holy Moly! This Jay Has Been Reduced to Line Art, Win Wortimer!”(Theropod:Blues Part IV)

5. South Plains College Faculty Exhibition
Charles Adams Gallery (Lubbock)
November 3 – 27, 2023

From Charles Adams Gallery:

“South Plains College Fine Arts Faculty consists of Professors of Practice in all areas of the Studio Arts, Painting/Drawing/Printmaking/Ceramics/Jewelry & Sculpture. The Art curriculum stresses a fundamental approach to art instruction. Classes are small and students receive individual attention from these accomplished faculty. Students majoring in art undertake rigorous training in both two-dimensional and three-dimensional design, drawing, and art history. Not only are the faculty committed to a quality art education in the studio, but also participate in various activities such as professional development opportunities, interdisciplinary projects, and exhibiting their works both locally and internationally.”

The post Top Five: November 9, 2023 appeared first on Glasstire.

11 Nov 14:13

Zine Fest Houston Returns for 30th Anniversary on November 18

by Glasstire

Zine Fest Houston (ZFH), an annual festival that provides low-cost table space to regional and national DIY publishers, is returning to Houston for the 30th year on Saturday, November 18. The one-day festival will occur from 12-6 p.m. at The Orange Show Center for Visionary Art (2334 Gulf Terminal Drive). 

A designed graphic promoting Zine Fest Houston, featuring a tree filled with zines.

Zine Fest Houston

There is a full schedule of events, beginning with a tour of the Orange Show at 12:30 p.m. At 1 p.m. is a zine launch for The Houston Artist Speaks Through Grids (THASTG), which includes a reading and discussion organized by Reyes Ramirez with panelists Claudia Corletto, Farrah Fang, Yeiry Guevara, Sebastian Boncy, and Sebastian Gomez De La Torre. THASTG, a project developed by Ramirez, is described on its website as “a desire to counter the oppressive structure of grids with declarations of control in the hands of POC…. something that can be seized to build another foundation that can facilitate another vision.” There will be a THASTG zine giveaway and signing at 2 p.m. Concurrently, Saved by the Zine!, a talk about mental health and zine making with cartoonist and ZFH organizer Ruslan Kalitin will occur in the Orange Show’s office.

A second Orange Show tour is scheduled for 2:30. Then at 3 p.m. is the Hot Potato Collage Zine Workshop with Anastasia Kirages, who is a collage artist and a longtime organizer of ZFH. Finally, at 4:00 p.m. there will be a “Special Birthday Surprise,” according to a post on the ZFH Instagram. There will be an after party at Bohemeo’s, a restaurant and cofeeshop, beginning at 7 p.m. See a full list of the 132 participating vendors below.

Admission to ZFH is free, and the festival is suitable for all ages. A safe space policy displayed on the festival’s website explains:

Zine Fest Houston is FREE TO ALL, but please be aware that the festival has a zero tolerance policy for sexism, racism, classism, homophobia, transphobia, ableism, ageism, or any other forms of discrimination and abuse taken against members of our community such as theft of money or property, physical, verbal, or mental abuse, sexual harassment, inappropriate/unwelcome comments and behaviors, disruptive or disrespectful behavior, and causing a participant or attendee to feel distressed or unsafe.

Accordingly, all vendors and participants are expected to help uphold these values. This policy dovetails with ZFH’s mission statement, which states a dedication to “Economic and Creative Liberation Through Self-publishing” and a desire “to empower independent artists, lift up marginalized voices in the creative sphere, and promote equitable conditions for its creative community to thrive.”

The festival website does not currently list specific details for the event, so for more information, check the ZFH Instagram and Facebook accounts.

2023 Zine Fest Houston Vendors
Aiga Houston; Alabama Song; Amber Padilla; Angélique Jamail/Sonic; Chihuahua; Art Hoes; Beanpolice; Becca; Bestu Friendo Co.; Big Dipper Creative; former Glasstire editor Bill Davenport; Block by Block; Bored Human HTX; Born To Hate Magazine; Brett Hollis; Buburuza Productions, LLC; C.J. McWillis; Carlos Aguilar; Chanchannel; Chelsea Akpan; Chris Kill; Christopher Cascio; CICR; Claudia Kramer; Daddy Issues Zine; Deeds Not Words; Derelict Ink; Diary Of A Sista Grrrl; Dormalou Project; Dwayne Carter; E.K. Weaver; Eddie & Friends; EKD Art; Eric Liga; Eric Tobar “The Pour Over”; F Magazine; Fangurley; Feral Editions; Fine Print Press; Flats; French Fry; Gabriel Dieter; Ganzeer; Ghostgirl Studio; Grace Allison Perkins; Grace Sydney Pham; Grayson Michael Harper; Houston Democratic Socialists of America; Houston Hong Kongers X Kalmari; Houston Tenants Union; I&R Zines; Ian Gerson; Indigo Dewdrop; Intravenous Writings; Ioannis Argiris; Isabel Jaimes/Tattered; Memories (Artist & Writer); Isaiah Broussard; Jadajdoodles; Jason Dibley; Jimmy Ferry; Jims Alluring Serenity; Joe Mathlete; John from Ranban; Jomo Corp; Josh Ryan; Junghan; Kaitlyn Tostado; Kallias “DA12THKIND” Dornan; KB Brookins & Friends; Kevin Prince/Dab Troll Creations; Kill My TV; KTRU; L. Fury/Bastard Comics; Lauren Ibañez; Little Red Box Grocery; Lucy Isadora; Maddie Inman Art!; Mara Gervais; Mark Wise Art; Mellows.Studio; Mirchek Comics; Miss Megan’s Make Room; Monicatdesigns; Morriss & Friends; MPMP; Mystic Multiples; Nate Wendt Art; Nitness/Janine Pastran; Paper Autumn; Peach Fuzz Magazine; Pen and Pink; Play Nice Press; Punk Rock Hoops; Rachel Reynolds Dreamscapes; Rene Cruz; Richy Vegas; Rising Tide Projects; Riso Riso; Root Bradford; Rubberneck; Ry Cayari; Sasha Blaschka; Sebleem; Shea B; Simmer Projects; Smilynn Art; Soft Spot Press; Sophie Dwyer; Space City Anarchist Organization; Spit!; Stop TXDOT I-45; Studionyo; Superpresent; Surely! Press; Sybil Press; Temp Tats Magazine; The Eye Baller; The Great God King Is Dead; THASTG by Reyes Ramirez, The Odessa Collective; These Modern Words; Toonzday – Milqtoast Comics; Tuesday Ibert; Urethra Burns; Vidya Giri; West 23rd Street Productions; Wild Is My Favorite Color; Writespace; Xicana Vegan; Y2A (Amy & Alondra); Yvonne Weng; Zines4Queers.

The post Zine Fest Houston Returns for 30th Anniversary on November 18 appeared first on Glasstire.

11 Nov 14:13

Consistency and Vision: The 2023 Texas Vignette Art Fair

by William Sarradet
Sarah Sudhoff, “Vigil for the 21,” 2023, Mixed media, 12 × 15 × 20 feet

Sarah Sudhoff, “Vigil for the 21,” 2023, mixed media, 12 × 15 × 20 feet

At the Texas Vignette art fair, Emily Edwards, who is the Associate Curator at Dallas Contemporary and selected the artists for this year’s edition, said in her curatorial statement, “I looked for consistency throughout [an artists’] work, a command of their chosen medium, and a strong point of view.” When viewed through this lens, the exhibition delivered on all fronts.

Consistency in an artist’s oeuvre is a relevant factor for curating an art fair. This annual program, which in its first years was planned as a “satellite art fair” to the larger, more storied Dallas Art Fair in April, represents an effort to canonize the output of women in the region who have dedicated their careers to making art. Texas Vignette has since changed its location, from the Texas Women’s Museum on the State Fair grounds to Dallas Market Hall on the west side of town. It has also shifted programming to the fall, separating its calendar entirely from the frenzy of the spring fair season.

Tina B. Medina, “sacrificios por una patria/ sacrifices for a homeland,” 2023 Photo on canvas and fabric, flags, paper, thread, 96 x 96 x 24 inches

Tina B. Medina, “sacrificios por una patria/ sacrifices for a homeland,” 2023, photo on canvas and fabric, flags, paper, thread, 96 x 96 x 24 inches

Which of the artists in this year’s fair showed a consistent body of work? Tina B. Medina’s sacrificios por una patria/sacrifices for a homeland makes use of the American flag, incised with a chain link pattern, and family photographs interlaced with textiles, suggesting a blending of American and Mexican nationalities. Though these are common themes Medina addresses, the fair presentation was larger and less bound to a frame or substrate than in previous exhibitions, like her 2022 retrospective at the Latino Cultural Center

Victoria Brill, “considering all that we have become,” 2022, Oil and graphite on canvas, 60 × 84 inches

Victoria Brill, “considering all that we have become,” 2022, oil and graphite on
canvas, 60 × 84 inches

Victoria Brill’s considering all that we have become is a large nude self-portrait in oil and graphite, rendered in the artist’s scintillating realism which shows the artist in fine detail, leaving sections of her face and body pallid in contrast to the vibrant color of her hair and skin. Candace HicksNotes for String Theory are works I’ve seen from the artist before, usually in the exact same format shown here: composition notebook-shaped canvases embroidered with blue rule lines that warp, and red lines that navigate through the wormholes. In these works, it is apparent that Texas Vignette intends to present career achievements from women artists to the public, and make them available for sale. 

Sarah DePetris, “Ghost Rainbow #7,” 2023, Acrylic and enamel on canvas, 12 x 9 feet

Sarah DePetris, “Ghost Rainbow #7,” 2023, acrylic and enamel on canvas, 12 x 9 feet

Sarah DePetris’s works stunned, and seemed to project themselves outward into the rest of the space. Ghost Rainbow #7 is a smudgy painting that extended from the ceiling to the floor, and was an example of Edwards’ good sense not to crowd Dallas Market Hall with too much stuff. Daydream Scenes, by comparison, is a graphite drawing of dancing scribbles on a wide sheet of paper bordered with a delicious deckle. Almost #13 splits the difference between these two works, deconstructing various formal elements of painting and drawing, spreading them across space and time.

Julie Libersat, “S.O.S.,” 2022, Laser cut satin, aluminum flagpole, bracket, fan, 72 x 24 x 24 inches

Julie Libersat, “S.O.S.,” 2022, laser cut satin, aluminum flagpole, bracket, fan, 72 x 24 x 24 inches

Julie Libersat’s S.O.S. emulates orange plastic barrier fencing by way of laser-cut satin. The fabric hangs from a pole bracketed to the wall and is activated by a fan, creating an obvious flag despite the unconventional material. Libersat said of the work, “I’m interested in feminizing these masculine signs of infrastructure, but also invoking a clarion call for crisis. I’m interested in using transportation as a subject matter and metaphor for our directionality in life and orientation towards capitalism.” Libersat is known to work in a variety of materials and to use new media fabrication techniques and exhibition strategies, often as a means of pushing her own boundaries. 

Natalia Padilla showed a work that has lived in her apartment for two years. Relish is an original photograph that’s been pasted to raw canvas and colored over with oil pastels and Mod Podge. She told me she felt excited to bring it to the fair because she didn’t design the work, in the way she does when producing graphic design for her clients. Straddling the line between contemporary artist and graphic designer, Padilla created this work as a part of developing RELISH, a coloring book and promotional campaign to educate children in Dallas about eating a healthy, diverse diet. Though that project has all the aesthetic trappings of a meticulously coordinated product, the work hanging here is a testament to the artist’s true, more expressive creative roots.

Ariel Davis, “We're Done Playing,” 2022, Oil on canvas, 60 x 144 x 2.5 inches

Ariel Davis, “We’re Done Playing,” 2022, oil on canvas, 60 x 144 x 2.5 inches

As I passed Fort Worth painter Ariel Davis near her work, We’re Done Playing, I asked her what motivated her to submit to Vignette. She had a quick answer: size matters. “This is my first time [in the fair], and one of the reasons I applied with the two works that I have in this show is because they’re larger pieces, and Vignette did not have a size limitation for entries,” said Davis. The aforementioned painting is 144 inches on its longest side, which is also the case for Aubree Dale’s triptych, Where We Always Meet. 

Walking the floor of Dallas Market Hall, one would not assume any size or format of show could fit in the confines of this space. It is a generally agreeable venue for showing art, sure. The movable walls and high ceilings allow for ample surface area and an airy walking experience. The only works that suffer, as a result, are the projected video pieces. The lighting in the space, while crisp, does not seem to be modular. It’s either all on or all off, meaning the projectors cannot compete with the overhead lighting. Curators tasked with placing work in large group shows such as this will sometimes install videos outside during evening hours, although this wouldn’t have helped much, as Texas Vignette had a mostly daytime schedule. The video pieces shown on monitors come through, however, which begs the question of whether some limitations on works accepted should be made. The organizers might consider building out a small black box viewing room, as can be seen at Ro2 Art’s Bataan Street location, although I suspect this would only create more logistical and cost issues for a fair of this size. 

This year, the art fair offered exhibiting artists the chance to sell their work online through Shopify, which is something that the COVID-19 pandemic has made standard for exhibitions of this kind. The difference with this program is that 100% of sales went directly to the artists, a pretty radical policy for an art fair. Together, these two components make Texas Vignette an exhibition that continues to see the needs of women artists and meet them with intention. 

 

The 2023 iteration of Texas Vignette was on view November 3-4 at Dallas Market Hall.

William Sarradet is the Assistant Editor for Glasstire.

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11 Nov 14:11

Best Joke Ever: The Funniest Superhero Movie and My Ragnarok Year

by Mark Peters

To help celebrate our twenty-fifth year of being on the information superhighway, we have reached out to some of our favorite former columnists for check-ins and updates. Today’s columnist, Mark Peters, was one of the winners of our 2013 Column Contest. In Best Joke Ever, he examined perfect jokes by masters of the form. We’re happy to welcome Mark back to the site with a brand-new installment.

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“I make grave mistakes all the time. Everything seems to work out.” — Thor

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For a genre of movies that evolved from what were once called long-underwear characters, superhero films haven’t been all that funny. The Spider-Verse movies are exceptions—and visually mind-sploding. Michael Keaton in Birdman is a dark comedy of the gods. Guardians of the Galaxy is a hoot.

But the title of Funniest Superhero Movie (cue “Immigrant Song”) must surely be taken by Thor: Ragnarok, a Jack Kirby-infused circus-romp through space that’s loaded with physical comedy, actual wit, great jokes, real surprises, and more British understatement and buffoonery than a London open mic.

The strong Kirby influence first drew me to Ragnarok, as the legendary writer and artist had long been deprived of proper credit for doing most of the work of creating the Marvel Universe—including the Hulk, Avengers, Fantastic Four, X-Men, and Ant-Man, not to mention hundreds of other characters and properties. Director Taika Waititi pleasingly went full Kirby in the movie’s style, with Kirby-inspired designs and colors, including actual pieces of Kirby artwork incorporated into some sets. Kirby created universes and killed Nazis and practically invented action in comic books. Kirby was a pantheon-spawning creative god. And if you don’t believe me, read Tom Scioli’s bio.

For Ragnarok, I came for the Kirby but stayed for the comedy. Unlike the middling sequel Love and Thunder, Ragnarok’s batting average for joke success was at Hall of Fame levels, with a script not only inspired partly by The Big Lebowski but almost as memorable. Some highlights:

  • Skurge, soon to be Hela’s stooge and eventually a hero, showing off his stuff, including guns from Tex-Ass, to the lasses of Asgard.
  • Hulk and Thor’s bickering, which included memorably moronic lines like “You bad friend!” and “Baby arms!”
  • The Melting Stick, an instrument of death every space tyrant should own. Also, every space tyrant should be Jeff Goldblum.
  • Bruce Banner realizing he’s been stuck in Hulk form for two years, and now is stuck in Tony Stark’s wardrobe on a bizarre planet.
  • Everything Loki does. That reliable god of mischief, whether impersonating Odin, ingratiating himself with Jeff Goldblum, trying to avoid the Hulk, or actually being a teensy-weensy bit heroic, is a goddamn delight.
  • The sight of Chris Hemsworth as Thor stumbling and bumbling and slipping and sliding, tasered and humiliated, again and again, by circumstances and enemies. It’s a selfless performance, and boy, is it unfair that someone who looks like that is also funny.

It’s also a movie, for all its brawls and gags, about loss.

  • Thor loses his hammer—broken by his long-lost sister with antlers, Hela.
  • Thor loses his father—drifted away with the breeze like a Jedi who imagined himself to death.
  • Thor loses his hair—trimmed nonconsensually by cameo expert Stan Lee.
  • Thor loses his eye—gouged out by Hela, ouchie.
  • Thor loses his home—Asgard gets blown up as part of the whole apocalyptic Ragnarok thing.

Hammer, father, hair, eye, and home are a lot to lose—a tough day at the Asgardian office. I reckon the unrelenting loss is what makes this movie hit a little deeper than a standard Marvel jokefest can manage. These jokes aren’t just there to make you chuckle, but to help ease the pain of loss. The comedy helps Thor survive.

Speaking of survival, Ragnarok feels more relevant than ever to me this year, which I can conservatively say is the worst of my life.

I don’t want to appear depressing and whiny—both come naturally—but this has been my Ragnarok year. I’m sorry for flinging it at you like a Thor’s hammer of depression, but if I don’t find ways to process it, like writing this damned column, I honestly don’t know if I’ll survive it.

This year, starting in April, has seen me take the following Ls:

  • I lost my job. ‘Twas a unique and lucrative job I’m unlikely to find the likes of again. I’m still wrapping my head around the financial ramifications as I return to freelancing and near-poverty.
  • I lost my father. It wasn’t a surprise. He had been declining for months and had a death sentence in the form of multiple myeloma. Still, the fact that Ed Peters doesn’t exist anymore is something I still can’t believe.
  • I lost my dog. This is the freshest loss. Monkey, a rat terrier, died August 31. It’s not a shock when a seventeen-year-old dog dies, but it is the crushing loss of my teenage sidekick, who I’ve had for exactly one-third of my existence on this round shitball called Earth. This loss may hit the hardest, as my empty apartment feels even more dreary than it did before.

Even without a Loki messing with me, that’s enough to qualify for Ragnarok status, I suppose.

Through it all, maybe because of it all, or just in addition to it all, I’ve been dealing with the worst depression of my life. I thought graduate school depression and COVID depression were bad. They can’t compare to Ragnarok depression.

My biggest accomplishment of late is managing to sleep twelve to fourteen hours a day and inspiring my therapist to suggest I check myself into an inpatient or outpatient program. Yay.

So, how do I get out of this pickle?

Were I Thor, I’d make magic lightning come out of my fingers, and blast the minions of Hela straight to hell or Buffalo, New York, land of the frost giants.

Then, my dead father and dead dog would appear to me in a vision, which would be awesome because I miss them both dearly. I hope they’re somehow together. Among the many depressing aspects of my poor father’s life, his abusive father “disappeared” the family beagle after the dog misbehaved. My dad deserves a dog in Valhalla.

Since sparkles and visions are off the menu, and I want to survive, mostly, I’m trying to hold onto any reasons to keep going as I can.

I have great friends. I like drawing stupid cartoons. I love reading smart cartoons by people like Kirby, Geof Darrow, Moebius, Philippe Druillet, and Jim Woodring. I enjoy pro wrestlers like Orange Cassidy and the late Terry Funk. Key lime pie is my friend. So is pinball and the joy of multiball. Dumb as this list is, the ingredients are the only reasons I can find to not stay in bed permanently.

Oh, I almost forgot—I’m a writer. I think.

So returning to this column is part of how I’m trying to resuscitate my will to live.

Turns out that excellent job I lost did have one bad side effect: it took me away from writing. Writing has been the only thing I’ve ever really been good at, and I’ve thought of myself as a writer since I was too young to know a noun from a nun.

So, thanks to McSweeney’s twenty-fifth anniversary for getting me back doing what, I suppose, I’m supposed to be doing. I’m not exactly shooting lightning from my fingertips, but by Odin’s beard, I’m trying.

Jack Kirby killed Nazis and created universes. The least I can do is stay alive.

11 Nov 14:07

Comic for 2023.11.10 - It’s Me

New Cyanide and Happiness Comic
11 Nov 14:07

Comic for 2023.11.11 - Bang

New Cyanide and Happiness Comic
11 Nov 14:05

THIN THIGHS!

by noreply@blogger.com (JerryMaguire)
11 Nov 14:04

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal - Remember

by Zach Weinersmith


Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
This time that's your excuse for yelling about giant scrotum, but what about all the other times?


Today's News:
11 Nov 14:04

Redshift

So do you have any plans for z=-0.000000000000045?
11 Nov 14:03

Photo



10 Nov 22:01

Biggest Takeaways From Trump’s Civil Fraud Trial Testimony

President Donald Trump took the witness stand this week to defend himself in a civil fraud trial brought by the New York state attorney general’s office. The Onion offers a blow-by-blow account and the biggest takeaways of Trump’s civil fraud testimony.

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10 Nov 21:57

Neighbor Kid Straight-Up Pissing In Middle Of Front Lawn

10 Nov 21:56

Critics Warn Jill Stein Candidacy Could Harm Cornel West’s Chances Of Being Elected

WASHINGTON—Expressing concern that the Green Party candidate might serve as a spoiler in next year’s presidential election, critics warned Friday that Jill Stein’s entry into the race could harm Cornel West’s chances of getting elected to the White House in 2024. “Jill Stein and her supporters need to think very…

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10 Nov 21:56

Tina Fey Confirms ‘Mean Girls’ Musical Will Be Silent Film

NEW YORK—Shedding new light on the upcoming screen adaptation of the beloved Broadway show, Tina Fey told reporters Friday that the Mean Girls movie musical would be a silent film. “I understand that many were confused by the lack of songs when the trailer dropped on Wednesday, and I want to clarify that there is no…

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10 Nov 15:54

can I ask my manager to fire my coworker?

by Ask a Manager

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

A reader writes:

Today my supervisor had a meeting with everyone about our recent employee survey because she was upset and surprised with the results. Our survey has us on average lower than other sections in things like job satisfaction, safety, stress levels, happiness, diversity, working together as a team, etc. She wants to address these things moving forward, but in the meeting (with everyone present), no one was willing to bring anything up and I could see how upset it was making her.

Now she’s giving us homework to think about how she can make things better at work.

I have an honest answer: fire our awful office manager, Jane. She’s a bigot, hyper aggressive, extremely nosy, complains about everything, does the bare minimum, resents having to do her job, wanders into other areas to bother people, and honestly makes work hostile. I try to minimize my time in the office because I don’t want to be snapped at every day. Or yelled at or any other thing that she feels like doing.

However, my supervisor would have a horrible time finding someone to replace Jane and train them, which I assume is why she hasn’t done it.

So we’re stuck in this miserable situation where people are willing to give feedback anonymously that they’re unhappy but no one seems willing to tell the people in charge the real reasons. Which I can’t blame them for, because it wasn’t like I was going to tell my supervisor and director to please fire Jane in front of the entire staff, including Jane. But she seems really honest that she wants feedback and she’s really pushing for it. We’re all union but if the proper paperwork is done, people can be fired.

So is this the right thing to do? Give her honest feedback and tell her that work would be better for everyone if she would fire Jane? Or is that going too far?

I’m so afraid we’re going to be stuck like this forever where the higher-ups keep asking for feedback after getting bad reviews but no one is actually willing to tell them anything. I was the only person who spoke up today at the meeting about other issues even though we all grumble about it in private and I don’t know what to do. I’ve considered leaving my job rather than dealing with Jane in the past and I worry about any new hire we get being attacked or getting into a fight with her because she’s so aggressive. I’m actually frustrated with my supervisor that she hasn’t fired her already and it has made me respect my supervisor less because it’s gotten so bad.

But I don’t really know what to do. I suspect that asking my supervisor to fire someone will not be appreciated. But it’s also true that getting rid of certain people would make people a lot happier at work.

You can raise the problems with Jane without saying “fire her.”

You can say that Jane is the source of significant unhappiness on your team — that she’s difficult to work with (give examples), makes bigoted comments (give examples), complains and is negative, and on and on. You can say that your sense is that people are reluctant to raise it because it’s awkward to complain about a coworker, but that it’s at the point where you’ve seriously considered leaving over it and you’re minimizing your time in the office so you don’t get snapped at.

Whether to not to fire Jane is your manager’s decision, but you have standing to raise, in detail, the serious problems Jane is causing. (And if your manager can’t figure out from that feedback that you probably think Jane should be fired, saying it outright won’t help anyway.)

I do want to note that it’s tricky to give feedback on behalf of your entire team. You can talk about what your own experience has been with Jane, and you can say that you’ve seen her treat other people that way (assuming you have) and that you’ve heard others share how upset they are about it (assuming that’s true). But framing it as “the root of everyone’s unhappiness is Jane” can be tricky, especially if people might deny it if your manager asks them directly.

But it also sounds like your manager probably sees enough of Jane not to be totally shocked by this feedback. If that’s the case, then your manager probably isn’t very interested in/willing to tackle difficult problems, have uncomfortable conversations, and do the entirety of her job — which means she’s likely to be hard to work for in other ways too. (Also, it’s very unlikely that she would find it impossible to replace Jane; it’s not a horrible burden to hire and train a new office manager, and if she’s ever implied that, that’s further evidence of the role she’s playing.)

Give the feedback, but it might also be worth thinking about how long you want to stay.

10 Nov 15:49

John Kirby: ‘We Don’t Savor The Death Of Innocent Civilians Lightly’

10 Nov 15:49

‘You’re Just Scum, Scum, Scum, Scum,’ Echoes Through Vivek Ramaswamy’s Head As He Stares Up Blankly At Bedroom Ceiling

UPPER ARLINGTON, OH—Struggling to let go of Nikki Haley’s cruel words, Vivek Ramaswamy was reportedly lying in bed early Thursday morning staring up blankly at the ceiling as the words “You’re just scum, scum, scum, scum” echoed through his head. Ramaswamy is said to have turned onto his side and pressed a pillow over…

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10 Nov 15:48

Hormel Introduces New Chili Formula For Mothers Who Can’t Produce Own Chili

AUSTIN, MN—Touting the product as an easy, delicious way to nourish a newborn, packaged meat processor Hormel Foods introduced a new chili formula Friday for mothers unable to produce their own chili. “With Hormel’s unique powdered chili formula, new mothers can ensure their baby gets all the essential beef, bean, and…

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10 Nov 15:48

Local intellectual pumped to spend two weeks saying, “Um, I think you mean American Thanksgiving”

by Mallory Gibson

VANCOUVER – Local genius and free thinker Andy Hammond is amped to spend the next several weeks reminding his American friends and relatives that the holiday they are about to celebrate in America is, in fact, the American version of that holiday. “I know it’s pretty difficult for the average person to remember that they’re […]

The post Local intellectual pumped to spend two weeks saying, “Um, I think you mean American Thanksgiving” appeared first on The Beaverton.

10 Nov 15:48

Expensive therapist makes higher quality “mmmm” sounds

by TJ Dawe

VANCOUVER — Demand for professional counsellor Lorraine Novak has skyrocketed, thanks to her ability to make particularly empathetic “mmmm” sounds while her clients blab about their miserable lives. “I’ve never felt so heard,” said client Paula Tanaka, after a session in which she described her feelings of loss over a recently ended relationship. “No matter […]

The post Expensive therapist makes higher quality “mmmm” sounds appeared first on The Beaverton.

10 Nov 15:47

Maura Quint’s Presidential Debate Recaps: The One with All the War Mongering

by Maura Quint

2024 REPUBLICAN
3RD GOP PRIMARY DEBATE
MIAMI, FLORIDA
NOVEMBER 8, 2023

- - -

8:01 PM: The debate begins with a more somber tone than previous debates, as the hot dog vendors and T-shirt cannons have been confined to the lobby and bathrooms. The moderators, Lester Holt, Kristen Welker, and Hugh Hewitt explain the rules for the evening: This will be a serious debate, none of that asshole stuff from last time. Invoking a candidate’s name does not mean that person is entitled to a response—no matter what Drake says about rap beefs. Interruptions may result in a loss of additional questions, while repeated interruptions may result in having to spend an hour locked in a room alone with Vivek Ramaswamy (or, in Ramaswamy’s case, with Andrew Yang).

8:03 PM: Lester Holt reminds the audience that all of this is a farce performed by unloved toddlers and that Donald Trump will undoubtedly be the nominee. That said, as long as he’s getting paid for this, Holt figures he might as well ask Ron DeSantis what he’d say to Trump voters. The Florida governor says he’d take the “slings” and “arrows” because he’s not entirely clear what a president actually does. He once saw a painting of Saint Sebastian and has been confused ever since. He then triumphantly opens and closes his mouth, almost as well as the top alien student in an entry-level class on impersonating humans would do.

8:05 PM: Holt asks the same question to Nikki Haley. Haley responds that the country is in a dire place, parents don’t know what’s happening in the classroom, anti-Semitism on college campuses is making the particular group of students that she can exploit for political gain feel unsafe, and Donald Trump was the right president at the right time, but he’s not right for now. The audience cheers. Lester Holt scolds the audience, telling them to shut the hell up or he will turn this debate right around.

8:07 PM: Vivek Ramaswamy, clearly shooting for peak insufferability, says that the GOP has become a party of losers. He criticizes RNC Chair Ronna McDaniel and the “corrupt” media, and says the moderators should have instead been Tucker Carlson, Joe Rogan, and Elon Musk. The audience breaks into wild applause. Holt issues them a second “fuck around and find out” warning. Chris Christie responds by chanting “hardworking” and “American dream” several times, while Tim Scott flips through a Bible and recites some of the more boring passages.

8:12 PM: Holt turns the questioning to the challenges facing the next commander-in-chief, specifically asking what these candidates would be saying to Israeli leadership at this moment. DeSantis answers, “I’d tell Bibi: finish the job.” Haley says, “I’d tell Bibi to finish the job, and then we’d finish Iran.” Ramaswamy says he’d go one step further and tell Bibi to “smoke the terrorists on his southern border, and I’ll smoke the terrorists on our southern border.” Tim Scott flips through the Bible to see if it says anything about smoking and, after seeing no possible problematic sins, agrees that he’d tell Netanyahu “to wipe Hamas off the map.” Ramaswamy clarifies that he does not believe we should add to our debt to fight wars, and that America needs a leader from a different generation unless we want “Dick Cheney in three-inch heels, in which case we’ve got two of them on stage tonight.” Haley rolls her eyes, DeSantis squirms, and Tim Scott yelps, “G-G-GHOSTS?!”

8:37 PM: Via video, Matthew Brooks, CEO of the Republican Jewish Coalition, asks whether the candidates would authorize American troops to attack Iran. Haley responds that actually her heels are “five inches and they’re not for fashion, they’re for ammunition. ‘AR’ doesn’t stand for automatic rifle; it stands for ‘anklet-rigged.’” She then cocks her right heel. Holt continues the original line of questioning, asking, “How many countries would each candidate invade as president?” Chris Christie pulls out a bag of green army men and lines them up on his lectern, making “pew pew” noises. Haley states that she’s the only one with real international experience and pulls out a game of Risk. DeSantis says that as governor of Florida, he brought back many Floridians from the stronghold of Kamchatka. In fact, he spoke with one father who begged him not to forget the Falkland Islands as a tactical maneuver. Ramaswamy declines to play, stating that it’s time Americans had a president who didn’t play antiquated board games and instead understood where the young people were coming from. Instead of sending kids to war, he says he would send every child to his Ramaswamy-branded Minecraft mines.

9:15 PM: Hugh Hewitt states that many Republicans believe that the Communist Chinese party is an existential threat and asks Haley, “Do we have enough naval ships to deter China?” Haley responds that America needs to modernize our military and that we should be focusing on the latest AI technology to create highly technical and precise lasers trained on K-pop fans and racist Reddit posts.

9:24 PM: In a desperate bid to attract anyone under the age of fifty to even ironically engage with this pointless debate, Hewitt Hewitt says TikTok is evil and asks whether it should be banned. Christie says that it’s polluting the minds of young people, several of whom have posted hurtful dances about him. DeSantis agrees that we should make sure young people’s minds aren’t corrupted by TikTok or by any other harmful influences, like Scholastic Book Fairs or the ability to read and write. Ramaswamy calls out Haley, saying she’s not answering the question about TikTok because her daughter uses it. Haley raises her shoe gun at him. “Leave my daughter out of your voice,” she warns. Christie stares at the ground and does a quiet shuffling side step off stage, Tim Scott ducks behind his podium. DeSantis looks straight ahead, bearing his teeth in the sort of grimace the owner of a chihuahua would call a smile. Holt stares Haley down and then cautions the candidates, “This is Florida, you’ll have plenty of opportunities to shoot each other outside of the debate grounds.”

9:41 PM: Holt asks what each candidate would do to financially help people. Haley responds that the rich are getting richer and the poor are getting poorer, and that’s why on day one, she’d cut the spending in Congress. Christie agrees that young people are freeloaders and should make a dance about it if they’re so upset. He makes a heart shape with his hands and whispers, “Not you donors, though—love you.” DeSantis agrees that we need to help those who are struggling, like a billionaire he knows whose yacht was just destroyed by a communist whale. He says that we need tax cuts for the rich if we want to ensure no one born after 1970 ever gets Social Security benefits. Ramaswamy calls the cutting of benefits ridiculous and reminds the audience that there is a much easier solution: destroying the earth so no one lives long enough to collect benefits. Ron DeSantis nods, pulls an endangered fruit dove out of his breast pocket, attempts to raise his cheeks towards his eyes like the demented half-smile of a broken clown toy, and snaps its neck with his hands.

9:50 PM: Holt says there are many topics they didn’t get to cover, and asks each candidate the one additional thing they would like to address before the debate ends.

TIM SCOTT: There is a crisis growing in our nation and that is cultural and spiritual, we need a great awakening. We need to bring this country back to what the founders intended, a religious theocracy. Amen.

CHRIS CHRISTIE: It’s a gift to be an American. Maybe it’s not what you wanted, but your parents gave it to you, and they expect you to be grateful for it anyway. So show some respect, you ingrates.

VIVEK RAMASWAMY: We need a country that gets back to the basics of conspiracy theories. I will shut down the Deep State. I’ll prove we were never on the moon—just look at the flag, there’s no wind there. I’ll also demand the Democratic Party tell us who is actually operating the corpse of Joe Biden. Is it Gavin Newsom? Michelle Obama? Or is it Elvis—who we all know is STILL ALIVE.

NIKKI HALEY: A strong America doesn’t start wars; a strong America prevents wars by starting wars and then finishing the wars we started. I will never tell America there’s no need to stop and/or get a new war, because we already have war at home. I’m not a regular war-monger; I’m a cool war-monger.

RON DESANTIS: I’ll be the man who will fight for your honor. I’ll be the hero you’ve been dreaming of. America will live forever, knowing that, together, we did it all for the glory of love.

10 Nov 15:37

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal - Got You

by Zach Weinersmith


Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
Frankly I've been frustrated for weeks at this point.


Today's News:

Hey, if you're in Reston VA come see me tonight!

10 Nov 15:34

09 Nov 17:43

Police Officer Explains Why The Intoxicating Rush Of Murder Should Always Be A Last Resort

09 Nov 17:43

Ohio Voters Narrowly Defeat Measure That Would Nuke Ohio

COLUMBUS, OH—In a fiercely contested vote that had escalated tension among advocates on both sides of the issue, Ohio voters narrowly defeated a measure this week that would have required the government to detonate nuclear warheads throughout the state. “What this outcome shows is that even in a highly polarized…

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09 Nov 17:43

House Votes To Censure 66% Of Americans For Antisemitic Support Of Ceasefire

WASHINGTON—Pushing through the measure in response to recent nationwide opinion polls, the U.S. House of Representatives voted Thursday to censure 66% of Americans for their antisemitic support of a ceasefire in Gaza. “Today, this censure sends a clear message that our Congress will not tolerate the dangerous calls…

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09 Nov 17:27

This Week’s Punctuation Power Rankings

by Jeff Drake

10. Curly Brackets (fancy brackets)
Last week: 10

Calm down, Curly Brackets. You think you’re so fancy? Like you’re so much better than everyone else? And did I hear you would also like to be known as “Braces”? Oh, so you can separate yourself from the “other” brackets? Wow. Now, it totally makes sense that time you came back from spending a summer in London, and you suddenly had an accent and kept bragging about your time “on the Continent.” You’re insufferable.

9. Quotation Marks
Last week: 7

Let’s be honest: you never go anywhere without a mirror image of yourself. That’s codependency. It’s also a little troubling, right? That the most meaningful relationship you have is with a literal reflection of you? I don’t know. Maybe it’s best we keep our distance. I’m pretty sure I can never be what you need.

8. Colon
Last week: 6

I want to take you seriously, I do. But no matter how hard I try, I can’t get past the butthole thing. It’s not your fault. You didn’t choose your name. But listen, I can’t imagine introducing you as, “My friend, Butthole.” If that’s shallow of me, fine. I can accept that.

7. Semicolon
Last week: 8

I’m sorry, Semicolon. No matter how simply you try to explain what you do, nobody gets it. Are you a colon? A comma? Gun to your head, could you tell me? Look, why don’t you take a moment to think about it, and then we’ll talk. Right now, I can’t afford to invite your level of chaos into my life. Not again.

6. Apostrophe
Last week: 5

Okay, you belong near the top of the charts. But I can’t put you there in good conscience until you show self-respect. I know you get misused by people who put you before an s to make things plural, or use “it’s” as a possessive. And that’s not exactly your fault. Maybe the situation would change if you started standing up for yourself a little. I don’t know. I’m not victim-blaming, but perhaps it’s time you set some boundaries? Or should I say “boundary’s”? I feel like you’d let me write either. And that’s just sad.

5. Exclamation Point
Last week: 2

I don’t know what I was thinking, catapulting you to the two slot last week. I went kind of overboard. That’s how it is with you, though. It’s so easy to get caught up in the excitement, but afterward, you look back, and all you feel is embarrassed. Did every sentence of every text need to end with an exclamation point, or none of them? Maybe it’s an age difference. I don’t know. Probably best to pretend nothing happened and part ways.

4. Period
Last week: 3

You don’t do anything flashy. You just get the job done. When it’s time for things to end, you end things. No drama. It’s just over. Click. Like a switch being thrown. And then the next thing begins. That’s confident. That’s sexy. You’ve done it to me over and over again, but I keep coming back. God, I can’t wait until you end things between us again.

3. Parenthesis
Last week: 4

You are everything those try-hard Curly Brackets wish they could be. You are the two arms of a hug. The two hands gently cupping my face. The two lips parting slightly before we kiss. You’re an exciting couple inviting me to be the center of a love sandwich. And I’m here to say, “Yes, I would like to step inside. Yes, please.”

2. Question Mark
Last week: 9

What happened between last week and this week to catapult you from the bottom of the list into the top two? Did you do something out of the ordinary? Did you change something about yourself? Am I just asking rhetorical questions to be closer to you? Who knows? I just know I’m loving you this week, you crooked little bitch. Everything is always up in the air with you and that gets me going. Whatever it is you’re doing, keep doing it! Or should I say, will you keep doing it? I love not knowing!

1. Comma
Last week: 1

Top of the charts again, Comma. You’re always there, clarifying thoughts and sentences. Sometimes people overuse you, but is that really your fault? Because you’re so good at what you do, people want more of you. Hell, I do! Is that why I keep putting you at the top of the list? So that you’ll notice me? Ha ha. Of course, that’s not it. But a simple nod in my direction wouldn’t hurt. Not being pushy. Just saying, you know, the acknowledgment would be appreciated. But it’s not necessary! You’re great! You’ve always been great! I love you, Comma! Oh, shit, did I say that out loud? I don’t care, I guess. It feels good. I’m ready to leave my wife and family if you’d have me. They don’t understand me. They’re always like, “Why are you ranking punctuation? How does this constitute a full-time job? How long has it been since you’ve showered or seen the sun?” I don’t know, Barbara. Sounds like somebody is jealous of a bunch of punctuation. Maybe think about that for a minute. Because that’s just weird.

09 Nov 16:55

Lipstick Hummingbird Tiramisu: The Onion Activates Its Deadly Sleeper Agents