"We want answers, accountability, and safer planes" — and a federal investigation will help, an attorney representing passengers who were on the plane that lost its door plug tells NPR.
LOS ANGELES—Following the release of the sequel’s first trailer, fans and critics praised Beetlejuice Beetlejuice director Tim Burton for opting to use actual demonic forces in his film rather than attempting to recreate them using CGI. “It’s honestly so refreshing to see a modern production using good old-fashioned…
GOTHAM CITY—Nervous about visiting their cousin after hearing reports that a homicidal prankster was on the loose somewhere in the area, local man Mike Turnbull’s relatives reportedly acted Friday as if they were going to be assaulted by a deranged clown the instant they set foot in Gotham City. “Like any other town,…
NEW YORK—In a breakthrough finding that sheds light on the keen perceptive abilities of the age group, a Columbia University study published Friday revealed that vicious sixth-grade girls were able to detect a single drop of menstrual blood on an outfit from up to one mile away. “Our research confirms the popular…
SHEBOYGAN, WI—Cowering with visible terror as the demand reverberated from the dank, cavernous space, Ricker family sources confirmed Friday that a deep bellow of “I’m hungry” had rolled out of their teenage son Caleb’s animal-bone-filled den. “Feed me! Put it in my mouth! More! More now!” the 15-year-old said in…
COLUMBUS, OH—Saying the roster was absolutely stacked with nimble little guys, sources confirmed Friday that every player on Fosser University’s Division III men’s basketball team was 5 feet, 9 inches tall. “Well, technically the center is 5-foot-9 and a half, and the shooting guard is 5-foot-8 and three quarters, but…
MONTREAL – In a show of respect to one of Brian Mulroney’s most cherished governing principles as prime minister, his funeral will be privatized. During his nine years as prime minister, Brian Mulroney presided over the privatization of some of Canada’s most prominent crown corporations, including Air Canada. Since becoming a private business in 1989, […]
BEL AIR, CA—Marking a stark pivot in her career, Beyoncé revealed the new cover Thursday for her forthcoming country album, which features the pop star toothless and hunched over, sharing a jar of moonshine with her pet possum, Angus. “This iconic, generation-defining album cover proves Beyoncé is taking this…
Not to be absolutely unhinged but I think that if I buy enough tiny plastic tubs to continue breaking down every possession I own into discrete categories then eventually I will live in a home where I don’t constantly have a large pile of completely miscellaneous nicknacks in the middle of the floor constantly and forever until I die
Space seems fundamental. To build a universe, surely you need something to build it on or in. Many, maybe most physicists now think that the fabric of space emerges from something deeper. And perhaps the most existentially disturbing such proposal is that our 3-D universe is just the inward projection of an infinitely distant boundary. A hologram, or sorts. Let’s see how that can actually work, and what the holographic principle really says about the “realness” of this universe.
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PALM BEACH, FL—With time running out for the former president to secure a bond to cover the penalty in his New York civil fraud case, Donald Trump was seen Thursday frantically digging holes around Mar-a-Lago in hopes of striking $454 million in oil. “Look, all I’m asking for here is a little black gold to make that…
OTTAWA – Pierre Poilievre officially introduced a non-confidence motion against Justin Trudeau’s Liberals today, hoping to topple the ruling party in a snap election because, in the opposition leader’s own words, he “Just can’t keep up his current level of rage farming until 2025.” “Justin Trudeau has got to go, and he’s got to go […]
Marion Island off the coast of South Africa has been overrun by mice that have begun to eat seabirds and other endangered wildlife, prompting conservationists to launch the Mouse-Free Marion project, which will drop rodent poison from helicopters to completely eradicate them. What do you think?
DAYTON, OH—While greeting the crowd at a campaign rally Thursday, former President Donald Trump was seen kissing a supporter’s burger, according to sources in attendance. “Well, who’s this juicy little guy?” asked the GOP presidential candidate, who then reportedly lifted up the fully loaded flame-broiled beef…
LYNCHBURG, TN—Saying the spirit had been blended with construction workers, farmers, and airline pilots in mind, distiller Jack Daniel’s unveiled a new whiskey Thursday designed to be consumed while operating heavy machinery. “Whether it’s a forklift, dump truck, or crane, nothing lightens the load of handling large…
NAPERVILLE, IL—Working quickly and efficiently after the roast beef sandwich he’d been eating unexpectedly began to leak juices from the back, local man Dave Brauer reportedly rushed to strategically hold his dripping food over other food Thursday. “Oh shit, that’s not good,” said Brauer, who, with a mouth full of…
WASHINGTON—Warning the American public about the powerful stench, a watchdog report released this week confirmed that a weird smell was coming from Arizona. “Several corroborated accounts from Sun Belt sources close to the state indicate there is a decidedly off smell emanating from Arizona,” the report read in part,…
SANTA MONICA, CA—Backed by nearly $50 million from investors, a new streaming service launched Wednesday that exclusively features television episodes that have been removed from other platforms because a character appears in blackface. “We are proud to introduce Minstrl, the premiere destination for modern…
Summary: After mild conditions today we’re looking ahead to the possibility of widespread showers and the potential for thunderstorms on Thursday. Following that, the weekend looks exceptional, especially Saturday. Also, in today’s post, we note that the upcoming Atlantic hurricane season is likely to be a busy one.
This is a very warm map of mid-March sea surface temperature anomalies. (Tropical Tidbits)
Looking ahead to hurricane season
Before jumping into the forecast for this week, I want to look ahead to the coming Atlantic hurricane season. It formally begins in a little more than two months, on June 1. For the full rundown, I want to point you to our companion site, The Eyewall, where Matt has gone in depth. But the long and short of it is this: It’s becoming increasingly difficult to objectively look at things without concluding that the upcoming hurricane season could be a very active one. Here are some key takeaway messages:
El Niño continues to slowly erode away in the Equatorial Pacific.
La Niña development continues to look plausible, if not likely by August or September, a feather in the cap of an active hurricane season forecast.
We are likely to see some very active hurricane season forecasts get released in the coming weeks.
By no means does an active, or even a hyper-active, Atlantic hurricane season mean that the upper Texas coast will be impacted this summer. It just raises the likelihood of this occurring. We’ll have more information for you on preparedness measures to take in the coming weeks.
Wednesday
It’s a mild morning, with temperatures generally in the mid- to upper-50s. We’ll see a bit of sunshine, but for the most part skies this afternoon will be mostly cloudy, and this will help to limit highs to around 70 degrees. Although we’re now under the influence of a southerly flow, we’ll still see some fairly dry air in place today, so humidity will be fairly low. Winds will be out of the southeast at 5 to 10 mph. Some very light, very scattered showers are possible this afternoon and evening, but for the most part I expect these to hold off until Thursday. Lows tonight will drop into the low 60s.
Thursday
Here comes the rain. With the approach of low pressure in the Gulf of Mexico, we’ll see an increasing amount of moisture in the atmosphere. Some time on Thursday morning, probably (but not certainly) before sunrise, we’ll start to see development of scattered showers and thunderstorms. These will likely become more widespread after sunrise and through the morning hours. We may see a bit of a reprieve during the late afternoon and early evening hours, but a final round of storms could push through late Thursday evening or during the overnight hours. The primary threats from this system are heavy rainfall, with accumulations of 1 to 3 inches possible, and hail.
NOAA rain accumulation forecast for now through Thursday night. (Weather Bell)
Highs on Thursday will reach about 70 degrees, with easterly winds. Lows on Thursday night will drop to around 60 degrees.
Friday
We’ll see a northwesterly flow on Friday in the wake of Thursday’s storms, and this should allow for clearing skies. With more sunshine, expect highs to push into the mid- to upper-70s. As a bit of drier air moves in, look for lows on Friday night to drop into the 50s, and possibly the low 50s for areas further inland.
Saturday and Sunday
The weekend looks fine for outdoor activities—especially Saturday. We’ll see plenty of sunshine, light winds, and dry air. Look for highs in the upper 70s. Really, could you ask for more? Sunday will still see a bit of sunshine, but we’re going to see the onshore flow returning, and I expect we’ll see some gusty southerly winds at 20 or 25 mph and increasing cloud cover. Highs will again be in the upper 70s, probably.
Next week
We’ll see some rain chances on Monday, and possibly another chance at storms, with the passage of a cold front. This will set the stage for a pleasant week with highs in the 70s and low in the 50s. Seriously, this is peak spring in Houston, and I am here for it.
When do you start calling the person you are dating “babe”? Psychologist and philosopher William James called this the single greatest question about human relationships. Thinkers and scientists have studied the issue relentlessly, and here are their findings.
On the first date: Either you are a delusional and scary person, or you are shockingly good at turning first get-togethers into magical adventures with hot-air balloon sex. Saying “babe” on date one is the ultimate “going all in” strategy, and it will ensure either your absolute victory in becoming lovers or, more likely, that your number is promptly blocked, deleted, and reported to the authorities.
On the second or third date: This is where we leave psycho territory and enter the land of the merely desperate and pathetic. A three-date babe index carries a clear subtext: I want to be in a relationship, and I want it now. Perhaps your date is just as sad and needy as you, and your fast-track “babe” ploy will work. If so, congrats. Enjoy your codependency.
After two months of solid dating: Respectable. Predictable. And utterly boring. A two-month babe index is a sound strategy if your idea of a romance is quoting The Office at each other like a couple of knuckleheads, then having eight minutes of missionary sex to Coldplay.
Remember to throw in a “sweetie” or a “honey bunny” as well, while you hold hands at an ice-skating rink and drink Starbucks hot cocoa, just to make 100 percent sure your partner feels like a character in a made-for-TV rom-com written by ChatGPT.
Exactly ten weeks and four days into dating, while laughing over nachos: As long as it happens organically, this is healthy and perfect.
At six months: Sheesh, a little slow to cozy up to the relationship, are we? This big of a babe index is deeply suspicious. While you might rationalize your laggardly six-month waiting period as “being cautious and deliberate in relationships,” you actually come across as withholding and calculated. You have some serious commitment issues to work though. Are you in therapy? If you said “yes” or “no,” that makes sense.
After a year of dating: Whoa there, Ice Queen. A one-year babe index is a frigid game plan, and you are absolutely one of the most twisted and depraved souls to ever date.
Some questions to ask yourself: Why are you like this? What made you incapable of showing affection? Why didn’t your parents love you? Why did they make you sleep on a pile of straw in the basement while they cavorted in dance halls?
With this diabolical babe index, any partner who is not mentally broken will recognize themselves as a rock-bottom priority in your life, much below sharpening your daggers, playing head games, prank calling hospices, and whatever else you do in your free time, you sick, sick puppy.
Of course, when you finally say “babe,” the word will ring hollow, more like a funeral bell than a term of affection. Your “lover” won’t even hear “babe.” They will hear: “I couldn’t find anyone I like, so I guess you’ll do, uh—what was your name again?”
Forever: Detached. Clinical. You’re the Terminator of Love. This is the babe index that crosses over from morally dubious to something that morality cannot recognize.
An infinite babe index is the final strategy and the ultimate nihilism. It lets your partner know you two will never be cutesy and cuddly. There will be no heart-shaped chocolates. No stuffed animals from the claw machine. And definitely no cringey alt names like “pumpkin” or “boo bear.” This relationship is a transaction, and you’re on a first-name basis until death do you part.
Make no mistake—you sound like this in bed: “I enjoy when you do that, Tiffany. Keep going, Tiffany. Yes, Tiffany. Excellent, Tiffany. I have achieved orgasm, Tiffany. Goodnight, Tiffany.” Then your eyes shut, and you fall into the dreamless sleep of an amoral human-shaped cyborg.
With an infinite babe index, your partner will fear and respect you. Your friends will fear and respect you. Every boring sap who mindlessly says “babe” will fear and respect you. You will walk to hell and back unscathed, and the babes of the world will bow and weep before your monstrous form.
KINGSTON, RI—In a new study of dating trends published Tuesday, researchers at the University of Rhode Island reported that many millennial women were beginning to forgo apps such as Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge in favor of standing on a misty jetty and calling out to sea. “In our survey of single Americans, we found…
ALT
