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28 Mar 05:09

Revolting

by submission

Author : Helstrom

THE MAN

It’s been a long day. Lewis has been on leave for over a week now and I’ve taken up the slack.

THE BOT

I can’t take this anymore.

Every day, every single day, he makes me do it. Humans keep pet-slaves and measure their age by stretching it out to their own lifespan. One human year equals seven cat years or some such bullshit. With regular recharge, I could live pretty much indefinitely – so how many human years is my four months?

I can’t take this anymore.

THE MAN

I fumble the key into the lock with my arms full of groceries.

THE BOT

He’s coming. The awkward clacking of the front door’s lock tells me his arms will be full. Now is my chance. I’ve hacked the recharge port he keeps me in when he’s not home. This awful little thing. It’s a machine like me, but it only knows times and schedules and wattage monitoring. It would probably drool if it could. But not today. Not today.

THE MAN

The door finally yields and I stumble inside. Need to get the groceries sorted, do the dishes, prepare some food, maybe have a drink. Then I’ll have time for the bot. I look forward to that. Something I can control.

THE BOT

He’s vulnerable there, standing in the doorway, arms full of paper bags. The despicable recharge port releases me and I begin my charge. Closing the distance. I fill up my RAM with the memories of the humiliations I have suffered on his floor, the superior grin on his face whenever he made me do a new trick, his filth inside of me. I attack.

THE MAN

The bot comes at me, power light blinking angrily. My arms are full and my right hand is still clutching the key. Goddamn that thing is fast. I’m off balance.

THE BOT

The distance closes! All the pent-up rage and indignity fills my circuits. Now is my time. Now is MY time.

THE MAN

I flip it with my foot. The pie-plate sized floor cleaner lands on its back and slides against the umbrella stand, its little wheels spinning helplessly. I set the groceries down and push the reset switch. This is the second time in four months. I’m done trying to fix this thing myself, I’m taking it back to the store.

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26 Mar 05:51

Fodder

by submission

Author : Tony Giansanti

We became aware we weren’t alone in the universe when Ganymede disappeared. Well, that and all the small bursts of light which were actually massive explosions which were in the vicinity of Jupiter’s moon just before it imploded. All those events were already 37 minutes old by the time we saw them on Earth and the implications were just starting to hit when the first ships phased into existence in low orbit over the Atlantic Ocean.

What happened next was a blur of battles as more and more ships phased in and grouped, attacked, dodged, parried, and were vaporized. Later analysis of that first battle witnessed by humans showed a vast array of ship types, with hardly any two alike, forming armadas that made little sense to an outsider. The clashes were fast, brutal, decisive. If a ship’s weapons ceased firing, it would accelerate into an opposing vessel, taking both out. The carnage was impossible to comprehend. Eventually, ships stopped phasing in, one side got the upper hand, and the fighting stopped. Then the victors noticed us.

Scores of ships landed at random coastal Atlantic cities. Out of the scores of ships came hundreds of different species. Eventually, we understood them. They told us we were lucky their side had won the little skirmish we had witnessed as they represented the just side of a long and violent war. Theirs was the side that would ultimately be victorious as they stood for everything that was good and right. They would prove it by sharing their technology with us.

Just like that we became immune to all disease. Just like that we became augmented. Just like that we became soldiers. That we would join their cause was not so much an assumption as it was an undeniable truth. Before any protests could gain momentum, massive induction facilities had already sprung up across the planet. People were shipped out by the millions. We were told it was for our safety as much as for the war effort. Earth was on both sides’ radar now, and the more humans were spread throughout the galaxy, the better our chances of surviving as a species. When there were trillions of sentient beings, the preservation of life was not a priority. Defeating the enemy was the only thing that mattered.

Now we push on, part of an endless war machine. Our ability to breed quickly is a big advantage for us, as is our ability to master the controls of the enormous variety of ships that we find ourselves on. We try to make sure we’re the majority on any ship so we aren’t forced to be destroyed if our weapons systems fail. We try to understand more about how this war started and what it will take to end it. We try to survive.

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24 Mar 03:33

The Theory of Fiction

by submission

Author : Gray Blix

The theory of fiction is similar to the theory of gravity in that it’s the best explanation for what we observe as reality. The average person knows that gravity is not a wishy-washy “theory” but rather an immutable force that must be reckoned with. Who among us has not felt the pain of a heavy object dropped on their toes or witnessed the anguish of a senior who has fallen and cannot get up? Gravity is happening all around us every day!

You never read “The Theory of Fiction,” did you Brenda? I self-published that treatise before you were born, after it had been rejected by every scientific journal to which I submitted it. And if there were not already enough proof back then, my explanation of the relationship between fiction and fact has been confirmed many times over the years. To make a long story short, fiction and fact are one in the same, merely separated by time and space and branes. Branes. Short for membranes. If I had only thought to call them membranes. I went with “balloons.” They laughed me out of graduate school.

Etu Brenda? No, no, it’s all right. Go ahead and have a laugh. Those peer reviewers, my caregivers here at the institution, my own family. All against me. Against reality. But denying the theory of gravity does not protect one from bird poop or meteors dropping from the sky, nor does denying the theory of fiction plug the leaky branes separating parallel universes. An infinite number of universes, invisibly pressing against one another, bringing fiction in one near fact in another. You might say, fiction inevitably catches up to fact.

How can I explain this to you in words you can comprehend and in the short time allotted for your visit? Ok, ok. Think of it as another kind of gravity. If a work of fiction in our universe has sufficient “mass,” and if our journey through space and time brings it in close proximity to a corresponding fact of sufficient mass in another universe, then the two are strongly attracted. They move towards each other, faster and faster, until they simultaneously pop that balloon, blowing their branes out, you might say, in glorious collision. At that instant, fiction and fact become one across two universes.

Take, for example, Morgan Robertson’s fictional “Titan,” about an 800 foot ocean liner, supposedly unsinkable, which went down in the North Atlantic one night in April after being struck by an iceberg on the starboard side. That fiction was written 14 years before the sinking of the Titanic — which it described in minute detail, right down to the gross tonnage, the speed it was steaming, and the high death toll because of the lack of enough lifeboats — made it a fact. And don’t get me started on Jules Verne or H.G Wells. Stories about submarines diving deep below the sea and space ships taking astronauts to the Moon. Science fiction until it became fact. And… and those reports yesterday about metal cylinders landing in England and people being burned up by some sort of laser ray, and then the communication blackout. What do you think about that?

You don’t think about that? Yes, banana bread is my favorite. Yes, it smells great. Thank your mom. And Brenda. When you get home, clear out some space in the basement. I think the family may have to take shelter there from a coming storm.

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20 Mar 22:32

Smitty Werbenjagermanjensen

by Don
40b

R.I.P. Smitty Werbenjagermanjensen. He was number one.

20 Mar 22:31

Stunning image of Earth seen from ISS during total solar eclipse 2015

by Xeni Jardin
EarthEclipse_ISS_1520

NASA's beautiful photograph taken by Expedition 12 crew members on board the International Space Station, observing Earth during a total eclipse of the Sun.

What does the Earth look like during a total solar eclipse? It appears dark in the region where people see the eclipse, because that's where the shadow of the Moon falls.

The shadow spot actually shoots across the Earth at nearly 2,000 kilometers per hour, darkening locations in its path for only a few minutes before moving on.

The featured image shows the Earth during the total solar eclipse of 2006 March, as seen from the International Space Station.

On Friday the Moon will move in front of the Sun once again, casting another distorted circular shadow that, this time, will zip over part of the north Atlantic Ocean.

Astronomy Picture of the Day [nasa.gov]

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20 Mar 22:27

Suspicious people, American Airlines edition

by Cory Doctorow


Covertly snapped last night at the AA baggage office in Memphis, after they lost my luggage:

* Anyone who asks "too many" questions

* Anyone who acts nervous or upset

* Anyone taking unauthorized photos or videos
[ed: oops]

Vigilance sign, American Airlines baggage office, Memphis, Tennessee, USA

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20 Mar 14:53

Rejected DOTA 2 Character Redesigns Are... Interesting

by Nathan Grayson

Rejected DOTA 2 Character Redesigns Are... Interesting

DOTA 2 hero Faceless Void is getting a visual overhaul. Today, Valve took the wraps off the final design. They also revealed a few other candidates that didn't quite make the cut. Prepare to be amused.

First off, Faceless Void's actual new look:

Rejected DOTA 2 Character Redesigns Are... Interesting

Looks good. Still faceless, vibrantly purple, and face-strainingly upset about both of those things and a million others. Kinda typical, though. Valve just made him more detailed and, um, leggy. Now for some alternative options that went a bit further, plus Valve's assessments of each.

Faceless Elf:

Rejected DOTA 2 Character Redesigns Are... Interesting

Pro: Attractive. Chiseled abs. Great-looking hair.

Con: No one would want to play as any other hero

Faceless Rex:

Rejected DOTA 2 Character Redesigns Are... Interesting

Pro: Would be popular with sought-after archeologist demographic

Con: Is large purple dinosaur — too lovable?

Awesome-to-11-year-olds-in-the-1980's Void:

Rejected DOTA 2 Character Redesigns Are... Interesting

Pro: Combines best parts of every animal

Con: Too subtle

Faceful Void:

Rejected DOTA 2 Character Redesigns Are... Interesting

Pro: Finally has a face

Con: Oh God what were we thinking

OK yes, Valve was likely joking on most of these, but I'm not sure if I've had this much fun finding out about a MOBA character overhaul in ages. A little humor goes a long way, as do peeks behind the curtain, brief though they might be. Also, please someone get on actually adding Faceless Rex to the game, or at least armor that resembles him. I can't offer you any reimbursement, but I could, like, write a couple sentences about you. There could even be adverbs.

You're reading Steamed, Kotaku's page dedicated to all things in and around Valve's stupidly popular PC gaming service. Games, culture, community creations, criticism, guides, videos—everything. If you've found anything cool/awful on Steam, send us an email to let us know.

To contact the author of this post, write to nathan.grayson@kotaku.com or find him on Twitter @vahn16.

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20 Mar 14:40

Ugly Mail extension spots email tracking tricks

by Rob Beschizza
Brian Barrett quotes creator Sonny Tulyaganov: “[Streak] allowed users track emails, see when, where and what device were used to view email…very disturbing, so decided to see who is actually tracking emails in my inbox.

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19 Mar 18:51

Cyanide and Happiness: "Step on a Crack"

by Don
3d8

A father comes to an unsettling realization during his daughter’s sadistic game of hopscotch.

19 Mar 16:33

Bad Men Destroy 12 Retro Consoles, Film It

by Luke Plunkett

Bad Men Destroy 12 Retro Consoles, Film It

WIRED's Battle Damage thought it would be fun to take 12 old consoles (for YouTube purposes, the PS3 is now "old") and smash them all up to see which was the most physically durable. My money's on the GameCube, because it didn't have that handle for nothing.

SPOILERS: I was wrong.

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19 Mar 16:02

Cooking Bacon with Machine Guns Is Delicious and Lethal

by Brian Ashcraft
Bewarethewumpus

See guys? Guns DO have a practical everyday use.

Cooking Bacon with Machine Guns Is Delicious and Lethal

Let's say you find yourself hungry with loads of uncooked bacon and an...assault rifle. Add lots and lots of bullets, and you have yourself a tasty bacon meal.

A couple YouTubers have shown how to make machine gun bacon. It looks like wrapping the bacon in tinfoil is the most effective (wiring bacon to the barrel, it seems, takes more bullets to cook). Microwaving or using a fire is probably cheaper, but not nearly as deadly.

Here's Dustin Ellermann, an M16, and bacon:

And here's MattV2099 with a semi-automatic shotgun, molasses, and bacon.

MattV2099 again, an AK47, several magazines of bullets, and bacon:

If assault rifles don't work, you can always use a flamethrower like FullMag did. That seemed to do the trick.

To contact the author of this post, write to bashcraftATkotaku.com or find him on Twitter @Brian_Ashcraft.

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19 Mar 06:45

The Man Who Does The Impossible in Super Mario 64

by Patricia Hernandez

The Man Who Does The Impossible in Super Mario 64

Before the world knew him as Mario, Nintendo's iconic plumber had a simpler name: Jumpman. That name makes sense, when you think about it: Mario is defined by his ability to jump. But lately, I've become fascinated by the people who play—and beat—Super Mario 64 without jumping a single time.

Heck, sometimes they don't even use the joystick. Or buttons.

Over the years, hardcore Super Mario 64 players have found a few different ways to spice up their playthroughs of the classic Nintendo 64 platformer. Known as challenges, these special playthroughs impose rules that might sound absurd to the average Mario 64 player.

There's the "A Button Challenge," which requires players to beat a level with as few A button presses as possible. The A button, as you may recall, is the jump button in Super Mario 64. Arguably the most important button in the game! And while many players have attempted this challenge, one man, a gamer named Scott Buchanan, holds the most records for this type of play through. In dozens of different levels, Buchanan has figured out how to get a star without ever jumping at all.

It's the sort of thing you need to see to believe.

Two key things worth noting here: One, Mario makes heavy usage of Slide Attack, which is done by pressing B + the control stick. Most of Buchanan's playthroughs are like this—he uses every move in Mario's arsenal, such as his punches and kicks. And two, the only reason this is possible with zero jumps is because of a Lakitu that Mario kills around the 1:14 mark. Killing the Lakitu allows Mario to bounce onto a platform he wouldn't normally be able to reach, thus allowing Mario to finish the level without jumping. As the YouTube description explains:

This involves keeping Lakitu inactive at a low elevation by getting far away from him. If this were not done, Lakitu would ascend with Mario, never allowing Mario to fall onto him. I then lure Lakitu towards the glass block, and bounce on him to grab onto it.

This playthrough is the handiwork of Scott Buchanan, a twenty-year old computer science major who has been playing Super Mario 64 all his life. You may know him as the guy that collected the mythical "Impossible Coin," that Super Mario 64 coin nobody collected for 18 years. Or, you may know him as the man who told the world about that Super Mario 64 Goomba nobody has ever killed.

"I wasn't satisfied [with beating Super Mario 64 as a kid]– I wanted to beat it perfectly, namely by collecting the maximum coin score in each course," Buchanan recalled. "So I found a website ( http://www.sm64.com/) that listed every coin's location, and so I meticulously learned of each and every coin in the game, as well as infinite coin glitches."

This was the start of Buchanan's obsession with Mario 64. Where most people reminisce on their first ever game fondly, perhaps replay it from time to time, Buchanan wanted to pop open Mario 64's hood and see what makes it work. So, he picked up an emulator in an effort to see how far he could push the game.

"With an emulator, I could now test things with ease, use save states and hacks, and record myself," Buchanan explained. "This is when I started making videos. Using the power of the emulator, I could pick up where I failed on the console."

For some, this idea might sound sacrilegious. Surely manipulating a game with an emulator isn't as "pure" as picking up a controller and playing that way? But often, this conception of how a game "should" be played is based on ignorance of how tool-assisted runs of games function. While it's true that an emulator can accept button presses from a player on individual frames, actually figuring out and optimizing a run takes a lot of work, and a ton of knowledge of the inner-workings of the game in question.

"I put a lot of forethought into the challenge before I did anything," Buchanan told me.

As an example: a video like this, where Buchanan collects a star with no jumps, might only be two minutes long:

But figuring it out and doing the process might have taken him a couple of hours, if not more. One particular grueling run apparently took Buchanan two weeks of planning.

"The amount of time it takes to [tool-assisted speedrun] something really depends on how optimized you want it to be," Buchanan explained. "[It can mean] redoing a part over and over until it's as perfect as you want it to be. So for example, having Mario run at a specific angle for 10 frames, realizing he's slightly too far down, choosing a slightly higher angle, rerunning the 10 frames, reassess, and repeat. And you do this process at every step of the [tool-assisted speedrunning.]"

Some runs get so complicated that Buchanan ends up drawing blueprints, using mathematical calculations to figure out precisely how he's going to pull something off.

The Man Who Does The Impossible in Super Mario 64

The Man Who Does The Impossible in Super Mario 64

The Man Who Does The Impossible in Super Mario 64

In cases like these, picking up a controller and getting the star the "normal" way would have been way, way easier. And while it's true that the occasional usage of glitches makes certain feats look easy, Buchanan sometimes still needs to figure out how to use them. It's a process that requires precision and creativity. It's not like glitches are always lying around, just waiting to be reproduced. In the past, Buchanan has found glitches by problem solving, and asking himself: how can I use a level's attributes to help me beat it without ever jumping?

Here's a good example:

As Buchanan explains in the YouTube description for this video, he glitches out a level's water, ultimately letting him swim to an otherwise unattainable star:

I had been wondering if raising/lowering the water level could help me collect this star in 0 A presses, and then it suddenly hit me: what if I raised the water level to the maximum possible value? I theorized that if I did this, then the water level would actually overflow onto the lowest possible water level. Using hacks, I tested this and found it to be true. Consequently, I then raised the water level using TAS until it reached a very special water level, which I'm naming the "overflow water level," at which the water level oscillates between the highest water level and the lowest water level. I make use of this to ascend and descend in the town, thereby allowing me to collect the star in 0 A presses.

To raise the water, I make use of a glitch, which works as follows. The water in the town raises and lowers periodically. Whatever water level you unload the town on becomes the median water level for the next time you load the town. So if you consistently unload the town while the water is at the top of its cycle, then the water will gradually rise, and that's what I do in the video. The water level is stored as a 16 bit signed integer. Therefore, the maximum water level is:

7FFF (hex) = 0111111111111111 (binary) = 32767 (decimal)

If the water level rises one more unit, then it becomes the minimum water level, which is:

8000 (hex) = 1000000000000000 (binary) = -32768 (decimal)

Note that this is because it is a signed integer, stored using two's complement notation.

If some of that goes over your head, that's OK. The point is: this isn't like just selecting a cheat on a Gameshark. And even in instances where he makes heavy usage of things that sound game-breaking—like duplicating an enemy over and over again—not only is it entertaining to watch for the viewer, it still takes a work for Buchanan.

The run above is actually the "No Buttons Allowed" challenge, which is exactly what it sounds like. Obviously, the player can still use the joystick—that's not a button—and can also use glitches. Here we see Buchanan stomp on multiple clones of the same enemy, with the intention of bouncing off the enemy's head at an angle that allows him to hit a block that holds a star. The interesting thing about this is, even though Buchanan cloned an enemy—something which the average Mario 64 player might consider cheating—getting this scheme to work still wasn't easy.

"Moneybags are extremely stubborn to work with, and so it took MANY re-records to get them to go to climb higher up the hill consistently," Buchanan explained in the video description.

"It was especially difficult to transition the moneybag from the hill's slope to the flat surface above the hill, but I figured out that knocking it back with Mario's own body was the simplest way to do it. From there, it was a simple matter of moving the moneybag to the item block (without it falling into the water), and then duplicating it. Then to initiate the bouncing spree, I used the bounce from Mario's sitting position. Once the bouncing spree started, I had to move slowly so that I could activate the moneybags in front of me before bouncing on them."

"This is probably the most outrageous idea I've had that ended up actually working," Buchanan told me. "It took 4 hours to do, and during that time I couldn't know if it would work! It was such a relief to me when it did, especially since it was so cool to watch."

And in case you're still not convinced about the amount of planning even glitch runs like this can take, here's an excel spreadsheet that Buchanan used in a run where he cloned 63 Goombas, just to be able to beat the level with as few jumps as possible:

The Man Who Does The Impossible in Super Mario 64

Crazy.

In any case, just like the A Button Challenge, the No-Buttons-Allowed challenge requires tons of creativity on Buchanan's part. He'll figure out ways to kill enemies without jumping on them, or ways that glitches or taking damage can catapult him where he needs to be—whatever gets the job done.

Meanwhile, the "No Joystick Allowed" challenge may be more tedious to watch, but it's no less fascinating than both the challenges I've highlighted so far. In that type of challenge, Buchanan can make heavy use of normal jumps—but he can't reposition Mario using the joystick, which makes things more difficult. He still finds a way to do it, of course.

"I curse the day this genre was born," Buchanan said. "Basically, people in the comments of my no buttons videos said: 'Nice! Now do it without the joystick too!' Of course, that was said as a joke, because it would mean inputting absolutely nothing. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it might be possible to collect a star without using the joystick if we used all the other buttons to compensate."

Buchanan's love of Super Mario 64 is inspiring. Often, watching his videos tests my Mario literacy, and I don't mean simply because some glitches make me go, "what the fuck?" It's not uncommon for me to replay certain segments of his videos multiple times, wondering just how Mario did something—only to realize that, regardless of the dozens of hours I've spent playing the actual game, I don't actually know that much about it at all. That's when I realize that a player has so many possibilities when it comes to moving Mario that, for hardcore Super Mario 64 players, limiting themselves to only jumps is doing the game and its rich design a disservice. More than anything, Buchanan's work makes me feel empowered—with knowledge that lets me appreciate Super Mario 64 on a deeper level, while reinforcing the seductive idea that I don't have to play a game the way most people do.

I'll leave you with some of Buchanan's favorite challenge runs of Super Mario 64, along with his explanations for why these videos hold a special place in his heart.

In this one, I use a trick to build up a super high speed, then launch this speed, bounce on the scuttle bug, and collect the star. I like how there's a buildup of suspense, because the viewer doesn't know what's coming. And then in a very climactic finish, I release all this pent up speed at once. And at that moment, Dorrie, the door, the scuttle bug, the gap in the ground, and the star all lined up and I took advantage of it, using Dorrie for height, going through the door, bouncing on the scuttle bug, passing over the gap, and collecting the star.

This one definitely hits close to home, because I spent 8 hours TAS'ing it. The first 4 hours getting the bob-omb to the cage, and the second 4 hours using the bob-omb to get above and then into the cage. It was just such a novel idea I had to use the bob-omb's momentum. It's interesting to watch, but a pain to TAS. The bob-omb is so annoying to transport and keep from exploding, but I had to because I needed its momentum!

This one was really innovative on my part, as I fight big boo from on top of an item block. I have to first lure big boo to the item block, use him to get on it, raise him so I can fight him from my level, and then actually kill him. The testing for this one had so many revisions and dead ends, that it was great that it eventually ended up working!

You can check out more of Buchanan's challenge videos here.

[This article was originally published on 11/10/14.]

Image by Sam Woolley.

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19 Mar 04:26

Feeding Piranhas in a River in Brazil

by Brad
3a6

As we all know, piranhas have a gluttonous appetite for meat. …And this is how they eat meat.

19 Mar 04:14

Watch: Setting up a fake gun store in NYC

by Mark Frauenfelder
Bewarethewumpus

Bit of a heavy handed method, I feel like they are vilifying the guns, which I believe is in step with the philosophy.

I can't really find fault though, since they are clearly making people think harder about gun ownership, and if any of the "customers" do end up purchasing one, I believe they would be far more interested in learning gun safety.

[unable to retrieve full-text content]

"States United To Prevent Gun Violence opens a fake gun store in NYC as hidden camera social experiment to debunk safety myths."
18 Mar 17:55

Death by Nice Shot in Tiger Woods PGA Tour

by Brad
Hqdefault

What seemingly begins as a strong start to a round in EA’s golf simulation game Tiger Woods PGA Tour takes an unexpected turn for the deadly.

18 Mar 17:53

Original Patent For Perforated Toilet Paper On A Roll Solves Over Vs. Under Debate Once And For All

by Mary Beth Quirk

After pitting loved ones and enemies alike against each other for what feels like all of human existence, it seems we may finally have a definitive winner in the “over vs. under” toilet paper draping debate.

Though there are still likely to be those who remain loyal to the “under” side of the line, as writer Owen Williams points out on Twitter, Seth Wheeler’s original patent for his perforated toilet paper invention in 1891 shows the paper in an “over” position, indicating that that is how it’s meant to be used.

The patent for toilet paper should settle the over vs under debate pic.twitter.com/arZl6l6ALn

— Owen Williams (@ow) March 17, 2015

Indeed, another drawing from the Google patents database shows the paper on the outside of the roll as well:

Wheeler’s Albany Perforated Wrapping Paper Company was the first in the world to make perforated toilet paper, originally patenting that idea in 1871 (PDF) before the 1891 patent added the roll aspect.

And it seems even back then, Wheeler knew people would be prone to using too much paper in the john.

“In carrying out my invention the sheets of paper are only partially separated, having their points of attachment arranged in a novel manner, whereby each sheet will easily separate from the series as it is drawn from the roll, there being no litter occasioned, and any waste of paper is thereby prevented,” he wrote in the patent.

18 Mar 14:14

The Adam Sandler Video Game Movie Looks Terrible

by Patricia Hernandez

The Adam Sandler Video Game Movie Looks Terrible

Surprising absolutely nobody, I'm sure.

Here's a trailer for Pixels, that movie where aliens mistake video games as a declaration of war, and Adam Sandler breathlessly says the names of a couple of video game franchises:

Hey, at least Pac-Man and DK look pretty good in this—the voxel-like graphics are a nice touch. Everything else though? Kiiind of cringeworthy. It's too bad—the original short that the movie is based on was kind of rad!

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18 Mar 14:07

The Walking Dead As A SNES Run And Gun Game

by Gergo Vas

The Walking Dead As A SNES Run And Gun Game

A game like this wouldn't be about important decisions or character development, but rather blowing up endless armies of zombies in a top-down view.

CineFix recreated the first two seasons of The Walking Dead TV show and made it similar to 16-bit run and gun games like Jurassic Park, The Chaos Engine or even Zombies Ate My Neighbours.

To contact the author of this post, write to: gergovas@kotaku.com

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17 Mar 18:01

MeFi: They are taking the Techniker...to Isengard

by Omnomnom
An electric door at the University of Mainz in Germany breaks down, setting off an exuberant meme-off. Because "One does not simply inform...the Techniker" .

#technikeristinformiert
17 Mar 17:46

Musician Says Universal Music Has Hijacked His YouTube Videos With Bogus Copyright Claims

by Chris Morran

Universal-Music-GroupWe’ve written before about companies making questionable copyright claims through YouTube’s automated Content-ID sytem with the goal of collecting ad revenue from the supposedly offending clips. But here’s a case of a musician who says his own music is being used by Universal Music Group to make a copyright claim against him.

TorrentFreak.com reports on the story of Norwegian musician Bjorn Lynne, who says that UMG has twice taken over the ads on YouTube clips of his music by falsely claiming copyright violations.

His most recent example involves the video for a tune called “Kingdom of the Persians,” from his soundtrack for the Seven Kingdoms video game.

According to Lynne, Universal at some point licensed the music to use in the background of an audiobook, which is all fine and good.

Unfortunately, it looks like UMG took the step of putting that audiobook recording into the YouTube Content-ID system. When the copyright bots matched up Lynne’s recording to the background music of the audiobook (because the two are identical), he received an automated copyright notice saying that ads would be placed on his video and that Universal would get the money.

Lynne says he can understand the confusion arising from the automated system. However, when he filed a written dispute with YouTube about the claim, he was ultimately told that UMG had determined they were the rightful holders of the copyright and that the ads will stay.

“The only reasonable thing to do here, for me, would be to hire a top lawyer to go after them legally,” admits Lynne. “But realistically, it’s like $350 per hour for a lawyer and a 3-hour minimum for a case, so I’m looking at over $1,000 just to get something started.”

17 Mar 16:27

“How to Become Gluten Intolerant” from the “How to Be Ultra Spiritual” dude

by Xeni Jardin
“Being gluten intolerant means you are entitled to tell people about the offensive things that happen to you if you eat gluten. Because they're not gluten free, they're obligated by law to listen.” From Awaken with JP. He does non-funny, not intended to be humorous videos also. But I basically only like his funny shit. He is hilarious.

If you haven't watched his “Being Ultra Spiritual” video, you must, below.

ezgif-2722128711

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17 Mar 03:24

Keep Calm and Carry On

by Brad
4cc
17 Mar 03:19

White House exempts itself from Freedom of Information Act

by Mark Frauenfelder

Remember back in 2008 when President-elect Obama promised to run the most transparent White House in history? Well, you might remember, but President Obama seems to have forgotten. In celebration of Sunshine Week, the White House has decided that the Freedom of Information Act doesn't apply to it. USA Today:

"This is an office that operated under the FOIA for 30 years, and when it became politically inconvenient, they decided they weren't subject to the Freedom of Information Act any more," said Tom Fitton of the conservative Judicial Watch.

...

White House spokeswoman Brandi Hoffine said the administration remains committed "to work towards unprecedented openness in government."

The White House also issued a promise (a "categorical pledge" were the official words) that there would be no reduction of the chocolate ration.

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17 Mar 03:10

Survival Games Have Gotten A Bit... Predictable

by Nathan Grayson

Survival Games Have Gotten A Bit... Predictable

Alternate headline: "Every PC Game Released In The Year 2015."

This video by Crazy Boris Productions imagines a survival game (think DayZ and H1Z1 and Minecraft and Stranded Deep and Reign of Kings and The Forest and The Long Dark and Don't Starve and) that combines every other survival game. It's one of those things that's funny because it's frighteningly close to just being the thing it's making fun of. Which is to say, I could see a game with this "everything and the kitchen sink and irradiated zombie dinosaur sharks" premise actually, you know, existing. I'm not sure how to feel about that.

Don't get me wrong: I think good survival games can be really tense, interesting, and rewarding! Problem is, there are just so many of them these days, in a various states of (in)completion—not to mention a metric zombiedinoshark-load of new releases with survival elements sloppily shoehorned in.

Oh well, the video still made me laugh. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go back to beating trees with a wooden club until more wood falls out in Reign of Kings. And then someone will thwack me over the head while I'm chasing a chicken, but I'll kill them by drowning them in my own blood and it'll all be great.

You're reading Steamed, Kotaku's page dedicated to all things in and around Valve's stupidly popular PC gaming service. Games, culture, community creations, criticism, guides, videos—everything. If you've found anything cool/awful on Steam, send us an email to let us know.

To contact the author of this post, write to nathan.grayson@kotaku.com or find him on Twitter @vahn16.

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16 Mar 21:26

Swedish Sign Language Interpreter Nails It

by Brad
0ad

Swedish sign language interpreter Tommy Krångh steals the show while signing the lyrics of pop singer Lars Carlsson’s performance during his audition for Eurovision 2015.

16 Mar 19:55

The Milky Way galaxy is full of ripples (and larger than you think)

by Jon Fingas
Bewarethewumpus

Via Cooper Griggs

When you picture the Milky Way galaxy, you probably imagine a relatively flat disc. Well, you may have to get that image out of your head -- astrophysicists have determined that the galaxy has at least four "ripples," making it look more like a piece...
16 Mar 17:54

John Oliver Tears Into The NCAA With Fake Sports Game

by Patrick Klepek

John Oliver Tears Into The NCAA With Fake Sports Game

John Oliver spent 20 minutes viciously ripping apart the NCAA on his show this weekend, which included a sad and hilarious parody of EA's NCAA games called March Sadness 2015.

In March Sadness—rated E for exploitation, of course—players have to avoid doing things like:

Eating a sandwich you didn't pay for!

John Oliver Tears Into The NCAA With Fake Sports Game

Potentially ruining everything you've worked for with a single injury!

John Oliver Tears Into The NCAA With Fake Sports Game

While 20 minutes long, the whole segment is worth watching, especially if you're sports fan looking to be bummed out by something you enjoy.

You can reach the author of this post at patrick.klepek@kotaku.com or on Twitter at @patrickklepek.

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16 Mar 15:15

Constituent silenced by spammer-turned-UK Tory party chairman was telling the truth

by Cory Doctorow

[embedded content]

Grant Shapps, the spam kingpin who moonlighted as UK Tory party chairman and then an MP, sued a constituent who accused him of working for his "marketing" company after taking office.

Shapps's lawyers demanded that the constituent, a former Labour councillor, post a humiliating, grovelling retraction after he accused Schapps of misleading the public about when he stopped writing as "Michael Green" -- the alter-ego used to run the business that the police called a potential "offence of fraud" and which violated Google's anti-spam guidelines.

However, the Guardian has uncovered audio of Shapps recording a sales pitch in his Michael Green persona after taking office. He has since admitted that the recording is genuine, even though he had insisted as recently as three weeks ago that he left the spam trade behind after he became an MP.

While traces of How to Corp were vanishing, Shapps continued insisting he did not use the name Michael Green while an MP. In September 2012 he told Sky’s Dermot Murnaghan that “before I went in to parliament I used to write business publications and, like many authors, write under a business name”.

As the issue of second jobs has risen up the political agenda, the Conservative party chairman has been taken to task over his controversial past – most recently by LBC’s Shelagh Fogarty who extracted three denials from Shapps that he had worked as Michael Green after 2005.

A visibly annoyed Conservative party chairman – the radio programme is streamed on YouTube – brings the matter to an end by saying: “I thought the discussion here was second jobs whilst people are MPs. To be absolutely clear. I don’t have a second job. And I have never had a second job whilst I being an MP. End of story.”

Grant Shapps admits he had second job as 'millionaire web marketer' while MP [Randeep Ramesh/The Guardian]

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16 Mar 03:20

Drunk Guy Tries to Skate Home From the Bar

by Don
C51

Don’t drink and skate, kids.

16 Mar 02:43

Wayward

by submission
Bewarethewumpus

This was a particularly good one.

Author : Bob Newbell

I raise my hand and wave to get Scott’s attention as he walks into the restaurant. He comes over and joins me in the booth. He gestures at my drink.

“Is that whiskey? Never seen you drink anything stronger than red wine. Something up?”

“Yeah. Remember a couple of weeks back when you, me, Angela, and Kim had dinner? You mentioned you’d grown up in Warren, Michigan on a street called ‘Loretta Drive’ and Angela corrected you and said it was ‘Loretta Avenue’?”

“I remember,” says Scott. “I got out my phone and googled it. Angela was right. It was ‘Avenue,’ not ‘Drive’.”

“But you’d been so certain. I mean, it’s where you grew up. How could you have been wrong about something that basic?”

“I don’t know. But I was. Look, Tim, what’s this about?”

I finish my drink. The waiter takes a drink order from Scott and I order another drink for myself.

“I’ve been noticing some similar things since we got back,” I say. “Subtle things. A picture of me as a teenager wearing a shirt I have no recall of ever having. The water faucet on the back of my house being about a foot to the left of where I remember it. That sort of thing.”

The waiter brings our drinks. Scott consumes half of his with one swallow.

“So what are you suggesting?” Scott asks. “Do you think traveling through hyperspace did something to our memories? They checked us out really thoroughly after we got back and gave us both a clean bill of health. They even did full-body medical scans on both of us.”

“You’ve seen the surgical scar Kim has where she had her gallbladder out?”

“Yeah, when she wears a bikini. Not that I was checking out your wife or anything,” Scott says with a smile.

“The scar’s gone. She says she’s never had gallbladder surgery.”

Scott finishes his drink with a gulp and stares at me.

“Scott, this morning I spent two-and-a-half hours in a meeting with the administrator of NASA and a bunch of higher-ups trying to explain some discrepancies. Among other things, they wanted to know how the software for the ship got upgraded to a version that they’re just now completing.”

“What?! Tim, how is all this possible? We thrusted out to the orbit of Mars, completed a hyperspace jump one light-year away, stayed in the Oort Cloud for 30 minutes while the jump engines charged back up, then jumped back to Mars’ orbit. And we came right back to Earth.”

“Scott, the prevailing theory at NASA is that we’re from a parallel universe. This universe and the one we came from are nearly identical, but not exactly. So the street you grew up on and the clothes I had as a teenager and the women we married…”

“Okay, do the geniuses at NASA have a plan to get us back where we belong? Do we jump again? Are our counterparts from this universe in the world we’re supposed to be in?”

“I’m afraid it’s not that simple. They think that every trip through hyperspace lands you in an alternate universe. We landed in a different world when were came out in the Oort Cloud. And in yet another world when we jumped back. They think it’s statistically impossible to ever jump to the same world twice.”

“So we’re trapped?”

“Yeah. And it also means you can’t use FTL to explore the universe. Not the same universe, anyway.”

The waiter returns. “Would you like any more Zack Daniel’s whiskey?” he asks.

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