Hpecker

rneerkat:

“i bet you cant name two structures that can hold water!” “well, dam”

No, You’re Not

solardrift:

rape-and-pillaging-the-internet:

sexualremarks:

whorville:

Is it true that straight boys eat footballs for breakfast

yeah everyday, the leather makes them feel more secure about their inability to satisfy women

"men don’t ever face sexism."

wow gee i’m sorry that this joke reduced your pay and made you way more at risk of sexual assault because men face sexism

inonechart:

The Steep Drop in the Uninsured

Romance is dead, and the information age has killed it. The world has no secrets left for two people to share, so if you’re really looking for romance you’re going to have to make it the good old fashioned way:

Kill a drifter.

I know, I know, it sounds extreme, but relax! It’s not like this is a real person or something, this is just a rail-riding vagrant who has no family, no loved ones, and will leave no impression on earth except a baked beans can filled with poop stowed in the bushes of a public park. Weird place to poop. Why do they all do that.

Don’t get me wrong, killing a drifter is still illegal. It’s illegal as hell! But you’ll be forging a bond with your loved one, a bond forged in vagrant blood. And when you roll up the body in a carpet and burn it in a dumpster, or dump it in a cement mixer at a condominium construction site, you’ll be planting a romantic seed that will grow into a thriving tree of love!

Bonus tip: make sure you have evidence stacked up against your S.O. so you can send them straight to the electric chair if they ever betray you.

T

What I love about all-you-can-eat restaurants is that the name of the place is fundamentally a DARE. A business is opening its doors and saying, “Hey everybody, we bet you this much money that you can’t run us out of business.”

And the best part is that people TRY. Everyone has stories about someone going to an all-you-can-eat place and either being asked to leave or simply packing away so much so much food that it was worth going around and telling people about it. “This guy ate A LOT of food! …okay that’s the whole story.”

These hungry warriors are the King Arthurs of our time, heroes rising to a challenge set forth to the public, destined to become champions of humanity by eating three whole pizzas.

wes

P.S. Speaking of hunger, don’t forget that you can satisfy your appetite for comics through our Patreon, where you can have all of our comics and other neat shit sent directly to you each month. It keeps us afloat and you lazy. Everyone wins!

When someone asks for help, lend a hand. Not just a:

Speaking of which, if you like this comic, I did a new one over at Medium.com. When the link goes up, I’ll post it here. Like right here where this sentence is. Here is the new post! Read it. It’s a good-un.

See you at Connecticon!

This weekend I’ll be at Connecticon with the Super Art Fight gang. I’ll have books, t-shirts, ties, prints, and generally ALL THE THINGS at my table in the Online Media Guests section. I’ll also be participating in 3 panels:

• Super Art Fight: UNLEASHED (Our 18+ no-holds-barred Super Art Fight gross-out spectacular)
• Super Art Fight: Main Event (Our big show with a BIG SURPRISE)
• Super Art Fight: The Podcast LIVE

All the info is going to be on Connecticon’s website. Meanwhile, come visit my table!

Columnist @RexHuppke calls it the “drunk-uncle-ization of America.” We call them assholes.

Here’s the opening:

Got a busload of immigrant children? We’ll scream at ‘em.

Got a problem with gun violence? We’ll flaunt our assault rifles in the aisles of Target.

Worried about the environment? Too bad, sucker, we’re busy customizing our pickup trucks with smokestacks that belch black exhaust into the air.

Welcome to the drunk uncle-ization of America…

Read the rest

And now, a few words from Mr. Hedberg.

“On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’” —Mitch Hedberg

Today, Jessica reminds us to breathe.

Messi is a Beast

via Chris Keefe

Bad Decision Bingo: News Broadcasts

This week, play Bad Decision Bingo: Political Considerations

evilsoutherngentleman:

theblogthatneversleeps:

Barack Obama has attained a level of sassiness one can only dream of.

Holy shit it’s real.

Me: So, let's say that you're at school and you see a guy you know. I mean, you guys talk every once in a while and he's pretty cool, but you're not like friends or anything. You just talk to him every once in a while.

Guy Friend: What's his name?

Me: I don't know. Frank?

Guy Friend: No.

Me: Okay, fine. His name is Will. Okay?

Guy Friend: I don't think it really suits him, but okay.

Me: ...So anyway, you're at school during lunchtime and you see Will. So, you notice Will's not eating anything. That's when you realize that Will has no lunch, no money for lunch, and no way of getting either. He's just sitting there like he normally would. He's not acting any differently and he's not asking anyone for anything. Not money, not a fry, not even a salt packet, but you know he's gotta be hungry. So, what do you do?

Guy Friend: Do I have any money?

Me: Yeah. You have enough for you and another meal.

Guy Friend: Duh, I buy him lunch.

Me: Okay, cool. So, like you said, you buy him lunch. You buy your lunch and you buy his lunch and you go over and hand it to him. And, he says, "Wow. You know, that's really nice of you, but I wasn't gonna ask anyone for lunch. I was probably just gonna wait until I got home to eat." And, then you say--

Guy Friend: Nah, it's cool.

Me: Exactly. You say, "Nah, it's cool. I'm just being nice. It's a gift." And, Will says, "You know, that's awesome. You're really nice, bro." And, after that, you guys start hanging out. You guys are like really good buds. You are always hanging out and laughing and just having a good time. So, you guys are friends for a few months, and it's tons of fun. Then, one day, you go up to Will and you say, "Hey, Will, you know, I've been thinking, and I kinda want that five bucks."

Guy Friend: What five bucks?

Me: Hold on. I'm getting there. So, Will says, "What five bucks?" To which, you reply, "Well, we've been hanging out for a long time and it's been really fun, but like, I've done a lot of really nice things for you. Like, I'm always nice to you and I always listen and do things you wanna do, so I was thinking that because I've been so nice, you should pay me back that five bucks I spent to get your lunch right before we started really hanging out."

Guy Friend: What? Why would I--

Me: I'm not done yet. So, then Will looks kinda hurt and he says, "But I thought you were just being nice. I thought that was just a gift." So, you say, "Whether or not it was a gift, don't you think you kinda owe me that five bucks since I've been so nice to you?" And, Will says, "No. I don't think I owe you that!" And you get mad, so you say, "Well, I think that you do, so I think you're being really shitty and stuck up about this and I feel like I've been completely wronged."

Guy Friend: Oh, my God. That's so fucked up of me. I would never do that to Will. Will was nice. We were buds. That's way screwed.

Me: I know, right? Hey, just wondering, have you ever heard of this fictional place called "The Friendzone?"

Guy Friend: Well, yeah, but...

Guy Friend: ...

Guy Friend: ...

Guy Friend: oh

flyartproductions:

Milkmaid rollin that body

The Milkmaid (c. 1657-1658), Johannes Vermeer / Ignition, R. Kelly

Follow us on instagram: http://instagram.com/flyartproductions

A Music Festival — in Charts

shyamagolden.com


shyamagolden.com


shyamagolden.com

nevver:

Shyama Golden

these are absolutely amazing

Sounds made up.

muscleluvr2:

oh youre a son? name 5 of your parents

Here's my schedule for GaymerX. WOOP!

Client: Ideally, we’d have you come in every day of the work week, from 9am to 5pm.

Me: I’m sorry, I thought this was a contract position.

Client: It is! But we’d like you around in case anything comes up.

Me: Sorry, I’m a bit confused. This contract only allots 20-hours of my time. We’d burn through that within three days.

Client: Oh, I see why you’re confused. No, we just want you around. Just in case, you know? We’ll only pay you for the work you do. 

“This “Internet Explorer cannot display the webpage” text would look better in red on a gray background.”

Welp, that was the biggest project we've ever done. Thank you all so much for participating. I promise the next big thing will be a new SMBC book!

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