“They gathered and began the sandwalk, gliding over the surface in a broken rhythm that would disturb no maker.”
“They fell into the disjointed rhythm of movement across this broken land."
"There was no rhythm to it that might tell a marauding worm something not of the desert moved here.”
Yesterday, home for the holidays and assigned an attic chore, I stumbled upon a box—well-taped up, covered in dust, and clearly labeled as “TIM’S STUFF” with two underlines. Oh yeah. That box.
When I graduated high school, I decided to gather up everything I owned that had meaning to me and put it in a big cardboard box. That was 14 years ago.
With almost no memory of what was in the box, I decided to open it up. Inside I found old schoolwork, report cards, things I had written, things my friends had written, pictures, audio and video recordings, tickets of things I had gone to, and a ton of letters. It quickly turned into a very weird day for me.
First, it’s been fascinating—it’s amazing how many things you remember incorrectly, and I’ve been doing a lot of revising of off-base memories.
Second, I’m a slight emotional wreck—right on the edge of doing this.
But mostly, I spent seven straight hours cringing. Looking at yourself from the outside always has the potential to be mortifying, but looking at yourself and your friends as teenagers is like watching the least endearing, most excruciating reality show ever made. Here’s why:
Anyone who knows 9 to 23-year-olds knows that they tend to detract more value from the world than they add, but as you can see on this graph, the teen years, and especially ages 12 to 16, are a full train wreck. The reason we sometimes forget this is that the only people who spend time with teens are other, equally un-self-aware teens, parents of teens (whose judgment is clouded by their love for their kid), and professionals who have chosen to work with teens because they have an inexplicable soft spot for them. All the people in a position to see teenagers for who they actually are don’t come into much contact with them, so we often forget what kind of people they are.
But there was no forgetting yesterday, as I pored through this mound of primary sources—especially since in this case, it brought back all the inner thinking behind the way my friends and I were.
So all teens reading this, especially those on the younger side: You have a right to live your life, but at least do so with the knowledge that you’re probably bringing down the general quality of the world by being the way you are. I can’t fix you—no one can—but I’ll try to offer some basic suggestions that will help you minimize the amount of embarrassment you’re causing to our species and to your future self:
1) Don’t attempt to be profound, for any reason whatsoever. Profound is not for teenagers, and you’re 100% not an exception. In particular, if one day at the age of 16, you decide to write a short philosophical story in red ink in all tiny capital letters and you’re quivering by the end with a sense of sublime connection to something bigger than yourself, what you should do is A) stop feeling this way, B) keep this whole experience to yourself, and C) throw the story away, since reading it later in life, once you have clarity, will shatter the incorrect, more impressive image you have of yourself as a teen.
2) Don’t be such a dick to your parents, you entitled little shit. You live in a world where 99.9999999% of humans care more about how their hair looks than whether you live or die, and then there’s this person, or two if you’re lucky, who’d give their lives for you. And how do you feel about all this? You feel the exact levels of entitlement and gratitude of this horse:
3) Girls between 11 and 13 and boys between 13 and 15 should implement a strict no-photography policy. For your future self, it’s like being reminded how the hot dog was made.
4) 13-14-year old boys: Your newfound sexuality is extremely icky and upsetting to everyone else.
Just a year or two ago, you had a high voice, a microscopic penis, and people found you endearing. A lot of changes have happened in your life since then, and none of them are appealing to the rest of the world. Even your parents are kind of sickened by your whole vibe these days. Here’s the issue:
There’s not really anything you can do to shield humanity from what you’re thinking about, since everyone can see it on your greasy little face, so I’m not sure there’s any advice here—just try not to hurt yourself.
5) 12-14-year-old girls: Try to form one notch less of a medieval empire of sadism and tears. There are a few people crueler to their peers than 12-14-year-old girls—
—but not many. One of the things I found in the cardboard box was a photo of some Play-Doh creation of a human head with a bunch of little red spheres stuck to it, which at the time was made by an acne-ridden girl’s peers and passed around the entire 7th grade at school. Another finding was a letter a friend had written me while I was away the summer after 8th grade, telling me that a girl we knew had been crying yesterday because a bunch of people had been hanging out at a house, but they hadn’t invited this one ostracized member of the group, and the girl whose house it was wouldn’t let her in the door when she showed up.
No one else can quite understand the psychology of a 12-14-year-old girl, just like we can’t understand the way medieval dictators thought—all you can do is remain wary when you’re around them and be careful never to show weakness.
6) Be aware that there are no winners when a 14-year-old boy decides to grow his hair into a shoulder-length bowl cut.
7) 16-18-year-olds: You’re not in love. You’re in something—I understand that—but that thing you’re in is very likely not love. What’s happening is that you’re a basket of hormones that has become infatuated with another basket of hormones, and that’s fine—go for it. But if you find yourself tempted to do something like sever an old, otherwise-strong friendship of yours over it, or alter your college-application plans in order to go to college together as a couple, or write some horrifying love note about this person in your high school yearbook—the thing you need to be made clear on is that friends, and college, and paper are real, and your relationship is fictional:
This is a graph of a group of sample relationships I created based on no actual data (the graph seemed like a good idea in my head, but then when I made it, it came out totally weird and confusing. Luckily, that’s your problem and not mine). Anyway the point is, when it comes to high school couples, a vast majority of them who are still together after high school ends will be finished by Thanksgiving (late November) of their freshman year of college—the high school relationship wall. The problem is, lots of high school couples are pretty sure that they just might be that one outlier couple on the graph who actually will end up together forever—except then they won’t make it past the wall. So keep this in mind and try not to bump something over in the realm of long-lasting things for the sake of this relationship.
And if, for some incredible reason, you decide to write a song related to this situation of yours, and you choose to write the lyrics on a physical piece of long-lasting paper, and before you graduate you decide to put a bunch of things into a box for the future, understand that you’re only hurting yourself by putting the paper with the lyrics on it into the box, because it’ll cause you to read them when you’re 33 when you had otherwise completely forgotten about the incident.
8) You’re not a Communist, you’re not a Marxist, you’re not an Anarchist, you’re not a Nihilist. No one likes a teenage zealot. Just stop.
9) When your 7th grade girlfriend gives you this note—
—realize that A) it means she’s incredibly not into you, and B) if she has to write her last name, it means your relationship was lacking in the first place. You should also explain to her how to do the “It’s not you, it’s me” thing correctly, instead of basically saying, “It’s not you, it’s me—me not liking you.” Whatever you do, don’t convince her to get back together with you, since that’ll just result in you going through all the pain again two weeks later—
If someone you’ve spoken to no more than three times in your life A) is acting like she’s divorcing you after 20 years of marriage, averaging 2.5 sorry’s per note, because of how devastated she thinks you’ll be when you read this, and B) feels the need to use the word “look” with you, which is the step right below a restraining order—and all this from someone who thinks it’s okay to hyphenate the word “would”—you need to make some big changes.
So, teenagers, I suggest you take a long look in the mirror and understand the perils you face by being you. Your entire existence is like a drunk person dancing at a wedding—fun from the inside, horrifying from the outside—so just think about that when you’re choosing what to put in writing, put online, and gather into the box at the end of high school. Your future self might be better off without all the details.
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The post The Teen Years: 9 Cringe-Inducing Realizations appeared first on Wait But Why.
a friendly reminder: the media is lying to you…
constantly
I think Australia only needs three columns for this
In a town where there are no Slayers and no Winchesters coming to the rescue, Luke and Carl end up responding to every call about monsters, ghosts, and magic. But for these two, there's something even more terrifying than the slimy creatures of the night.
Bobby Chen wrote his own petition to the Supreme Court over his suit against the City of Baltimore, which demolished his house and trashed all his stuff -- and the Supreme Court granted it.
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A reader writes, "In Germany, churches promote the times of their masses on signs at the town entrances. Now, for the first time, the 'Church Of The Flying Spaghetti Monster' in Templin/Germany was allowed to put sign there as well: 'Fridays, 10am: Noodle mass'."
(more…)
The Shelby Cobra has celebrated its 50th anniversary at least twice now, but next year marks the introduction of the 427 model, and Shelby is building 50 new examples to commemorate the occasion, starting at just under $120k.
Tonight’s comic is about the REAL Sonic Screwdriver
Have you had it with Uber yet? The company price-gouges customers, screws over its drivers , and now, an Uber exec just publicly outlined a cavalier plan to spy on journalists in retaliation for critical coverage. Good news! You don't have to use it anymore. You can use these alternatives instead.
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Risking your life for the ultimate daredevil photograph didn’t become a big deal until the internet made it so, because skywalking wasn’t really worth doing before millions of people could see it, right?
Now (mostly Russian) daredevils abound on the internet, continually pushing the boundaries to get that perfect(ly terrifying) shot.
Skywalking is an undeniably dangerous trend that will likely result in a few deaths, but there’s something you can’t deny- the view from way up there is truly breathtaking.
This collection of legendary skywalking photos is made up mostly of shots taken by two guys- Vitaliy Raskalov and Vadim Makhorov, aka dedmaxopka, the two biggest stars of skywalking.
They're risking it all to share shots like this from on top of the world, but do you think it's worth all the risk?
View the rest of the 84 Illegal Photographs That Urban Climbers Risked Their Lives To Take here
Later today, the U.S. House Armed Services Committee will hold a hearing on “Religious Accommodations in the Armed Services” — and Mikey Weinstein of the Military Religious Freedom Foundation will be one of the non-right-wing representatives on the panel (sitting next to people from Family Research Council, Liberty Institute, and the Chaplain Alliance for Religious Liberty):
[Weinstein] plans to tell Congress that numerous leaders in the military practice a “twisted version of Christianity” that oppresses not only Muslims and other religious minorities, but Christians who are not devout.
“If they intend to try to shoot the messenger, to assassinate the messenger, I couldn’t care less about that,” Weinstein said Tuesday. “To me, this is about the U.S. Constitution. They will not assassinate the message, and the message is that tens of thousands of our brave members of the U.S. military are being persecuted by a version of Christianity, a twisted version, that is the closest thing to the American, Christian version of the Islamic Taliban.”
I’m not sure what the hearing will accomplish, but when you have representatives of groups that encourage military proselytizing and a very vocal opponent of it in the same room, there’s bound to be some fireworks.
(Thanks to Brian for the link)
“Supercell tornado at West Point Nebraska.” via Reddit.
We've known for years that the FBI spied on Martin Luther King's personal life and sent him an anonymous letter in 1964 threatening to out him for his sexual indiscretions unless he killed himself in 34 days. Now we have an unredacted version of the notorious letter.
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I cancelled my small business BT account last year when they endorsed the Tory Internet censorship plan -- and to my surprise, they kept sending me bills, but that wasn't nearly so surprising as what I discovered next: a seven-year-long overbilling ripoff that took most of a year to untangle.
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Here's the page containing true facts that Republican senators and conservative religious leaders from Gilbert Arizona ordered to be torn out of all copies of a textbook for high school honors biology students. I wonder if teachers will be fired for sharing the URL?
Since 2008 Teller (Penn's partner) has been making a video show about living in a zombie infested world. His latest episode, the fifth in the series, was posted today.
BinaryjesusThe TSA must be disbanded.
A TSA supervisor confiscated Sean Malone's toy ray gun belt buckle at the airport. Malone described the encounter:
"You understand that this is a belt buckle, right?
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What can you do when you love the Lotus Seven, have the right to import Lotus Sevens, but then the police kindly informs you that the product is deemed unsafe at any speed by Dutch standards? Well, you built something totally new keeping the original idea in mind.
Just in time for Halloween, check out these cool vinyl figures of some of the most iconic characters in the horror genre, courtesy of A Large Evil Corporation. Read the rest
It is Adventure Time. I’ll let Comics Alliance deliver the news:
“Of all the sentences I’ve read in comics news this week, none have been as much of an emotional rollercoaster as this one: Ryan North is leaving the Adventure Time comic, and will be replaced as writer by Christopher Hastings.”
Read More: Christopher Hastings Replaces Ryan North On ‘Adventure Time’
That’s right! Starting with Issue #36, out this coming January, I’m the new writer on the Adventure Time ongoing series, with art by Zachary Sterling. Ryan North’s a dear friend, and I’m honored to be taking the reins from him. I am also terrified to fill his enormous shoes. Ryan’s Adventure Time run is one of the finest collection of humor comics out there, (multiple awards and the ridiculous sales numbers agree) and he’ll be a tough act to follow.
-Christopher
WHAT TIME IS IT? is a post from: The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
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Stock Android phones with the Darkmatter OS use encrypted storage, OS-level app controls, and secure messaging by default, but if the phone thinks it's under attack, it dismounts all the encrypted stuff and reboots as a stock Android phone with no obvious hints that its owner has anything hidden on it.
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One of the most iconic images of Salvador Dali's career was the photo of a skull composed from the artfully arranged bodies of nude models.
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As a kid growing up in the 80s cartoon heroes didn't come much buffer, bolder, or more exciting than He-Man and the Masters of the Universe.
He-Man was a toon descendant of the sword and sorcery fantasy subgenre that made Dungeons & Dragons obsessed kids like me go squee, and in a clever bit of marketing the characters on the screen matched toys available for purchase at your local toy store, sparking many lifelong addictions to toys and action figures.
He-Man isn't all muscles and might, and now thanks to io9's 12 Insane Facts About He-Man and the Masters of the Universe you can discover fun facts like- Skeletor's relationship to He-Man, the geek icons who started their career on Masters, and why Teela is more important than He-Man in the overall storyline.
