Alisongrinter

Dear Patrick Neal Schumacher,

I get it: You were caught between a rock and a horse ride, as it were. You needed to get to your brother’s wedding some 600 miles away, but because your driver’s license had been suspended, you needed to find an alternate means of travel. Planes, trains and other automobiles were apparently out of the question, so you did what any enterprising, horse-owning person might: You decided to traverse the distance to Bryce, Utah, on horseback.

And that, I suppose, was your undoing. Police caught you in Boulder, Colorado, drunk and carrying your small pug Bufford in your backpack, weaving in and out of traffic. You were also carrying a pistol, which police immediately confiscated. A pug and a pistol? That’s a recipe for disaster.

You were charged with a host of crimes, including animal cruelty and riding under the influence of alcohol, so it’s safe to say you won’t be making it to your bro’s wedding in time. Wanna ride over to my place instead? Let me know!

Yours,

Julie Gerstein

[Fox News]

We recently discovered that one of the many things we have in common is a deep love of new age bookstores. Ami actually used to work in one in LA, while Winona has spent countless hours wandering the aisles of Portland’s many alternative book shops, sniffing incense and wondering if she could ever make a living as a palm reader. The funny thing is, as unique as each of these quirky little stores may claim to be, they’re all exactly the same. Tarot readings? Check. Meditation room? Check. Wind chime soundtrack? Check. Light your spell candle and read on for a list of signs you’re in a new age bookstore…

1. None of the customers or the employees are in a rush. A 15 minute conversation at the register is a typical thing.

2. It smells heavily of Nag Champa. Sometimes so heavily that your eyes start to burn.

3. You find yourself torn between a spell candle, a spirit animal figurine, or a deck of oracle cards — all of which are sitting on the same shelf.

4. The guy at the counter is wearing a Tibetan flag scarf.

5. A young woman is crying in the corner while reading Linda Goodman’s Relationship Signs.

6. The store cat is named after the Goddess she was in a past life.

7. There’s a meditation room upstairs…with purchase.

8. The crowd hanging around the power crystals is getting a little intense.

9. The bulletin board includes flyers for homemade kombucha, African dance workshops, and past life regression hypnosis.

10. The astrology section is larger and more comprehensive than most college libraries.

11. The soundtrack is a mix of wind chimes, Celtic chanting, and tribal drums.

12. Ninety percent of the clientele (including the men) are wearing hemp maxi skirts.

13. While handing over your credit card you are treated to a free, mini palm reading.

14. Two words: Coexist. Stickers.

15. A sign on the door kindly reminds you that the shop is closed on Pagan holidays.

16. The employees say “Namaste” instead of “hello” and “goodbye.”

17. They’ve been selling the same line of gem stone jewelry since 1972.

18. The staff will be able to explain in detail how to use that sage bundle to cleanse your living space.

19. The regular customers include: a woman who wants to engage in an extended conversation about astral projection, a man who cruises for “open-minded chicks” in the stacks and the dreaded guy who only talks about Burning Man.

Despite his name being a possible Dawson’s Creek reference, IMDb user “Pacey7″ has done the world a great service: he ranked every TV show on Netflix Instant by its IMDb rating. That’s 337 series, from the Breaking Bad bottom to the How to Be a Gentleman top. (That order may be incorrect.) He’s also raised the world’s blood pressure by 928% because BOB’S BURGERS HAS A LOWER RATING THAN MONK??? WHY IS KING OF THE HILL IN THE MID-200S???? WHY AREN’T LOST AND THE WONDER YEARS HIGHER THAN #42 AND #50?????

F*ck you, Pacey7, for exposing the world’s perplexing love of The Vampire Diaries. Here’s the IMDb top-20.

1. Breaking Bad

2. Sherlock

3. Arrested Development

4. Firefly

5. Twin Peaks

6. Freaks and Geeks

7. The Twilight Zone

8. House of Cards

9. Fawlty Towers

10. It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

11. The Office

12. The Walking Dead

13. Archer

14. The X-Files

15. Battlestar Galactica

Check out the full list here.

(Via)

Ok. That’s impressive.

(via Kotaku)

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Playboy magazine is known for its sexy centerfolds and covers, but the gentleman’s glossy has a long history of publishing short stories and interviews with notable personalities. The eternal joke that people read Playboy for the … Read More

Supreme Court Justice and all-around dope person Ruth Bader Ginsburg will become the first SCOTUS justice to officiate a same-sex wedding tonight when she marries Kennedy Center President Michael M. Kaiser and economist John Roberts (not Ginsburg's colleague).

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If you're at/headed to Burning Man, just know that the dude with LED poi sticks and cowboy hat made of desecrated muppet fur might be really, really happy to see you — but he's also got a gun in that American Flag thong.

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Poor Ross Gellar. It's been nearly 10 years since Friends went off the air and he's still indisputably the least cool man in all of America. (Is he the least cool man in the world? YOU DECIDE.) Just look at this graffiti found on East 6th Street in Manhattan, just outside of the construction site for a new mansion-in-progress that people suspect is owned by Friends actor David Schwimmer.

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If there is one man in the world who is on Grindr, it is Gaston.

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Dear Three-Year-Old,

My four-year-old only wants to eat sugary things. She won't eat meat or beans or vegetables, only oatmeal, yogurt and fruit. What can I do to get her to try new things and eat healthier food? Please help!

Thank you,
Nicole

Dear Nicole,

Once upon a time there was a Mommy flea and a girl flea. The girl flea was named Foofa. Foofa loved to eat vanilla yogurt and play in the yard. One day Foofa got lost in the yard, and was calling, "Mommy! Mommmmy! Help, help!" But Mommy wasn’t there. She called: MOMMY! And then… Mommy came back! And Foofa flea was SO happy to see her Mommy flea again, and her nice beautiful yucky eyes with sausages in them.

Previously: I Need a Break!

Photo of a different three-year-old via benmcleod/flickr.

Three-year-old is three years old. Do you have any questions for a three-year-old?

In the US, the 1920s are associated as much with gangsters as they are with flapper dresses and Gatsby-esque parties. So it also went on the other side of the Pacific — in Australia, the 1920s were an era when fearsome gangsters like … Read More

Women’s rights charities in the UK are warning women and girls who are being trafficked into forced marriages to hide spoons inside their underwear at airports to set off metal detectors. The Guardian UK reported that when women have done this, they have been taken aside by airport security for further questioning and have been able to seek help from authorities. 

“If [women and girl] don’t know exactly when it may happen or if it’s going to happen, we advise them to put a spoon in their underwear,” said Natasha Rattu, who runs the UK charity Karma Nirvana. “When they go through security, it will highlight this object in a private area and, if 16 or over, they will be taken to a safe space where they have that one last opportunity to disclose they’re being forced to marry.”

Young women and girls who are vulnerable to forced marriage are particularly at risk on vacation, especially during the summer. The Guardian reported that double the number of forced marriages occur during summer vacation than any other time of year. Often young women are taken abroad for a visit with relatives and then learn they are being forced, through threats of physical abuse or bringing dishonor to the family, to marry an older male relative without their consent. (An arranged marriage is different than a forced marriage, as the marriage is ultimately done with the bride and groom’s consent.) Said Aneeta Prem, who runs the UK charity Freedom Charity, “The victim may think they are going away to a family wedding, not knowing it is actually their wedding. And when they go they are often gone for a long time and don’t come back until they are pregnant.”

Charities are also warning teachers to be aware of young women who are vulnerable to forced marriages. As Karma Nirvana’s web ite notes, it is far more difficult to help a young woman from being forced into marriage when she has already been taken abroad, as oftentimes these girls have their passports taken from them. You can learn more about Freedom Charity and Karma Nirvana, who also work with potential victims of so-called “honor” killings, here.

[Guardian UK (1)]
[Guardian UK (2)]

Follow me on Twitter. Email me at Jessica@TheFrisky.com.

[Image of a spoon via Shutterstock]

Activities are wonderful, but sometimes, it’s fine to want to shut the world out for a couple of days, and make some serious time for you. Don’t be afraid of FOMO, either. There will always be another party, another pub crawl, another picnic. The time you’ll spend indulging in the things you want to do, alone, are well worth it. Here’s a handy list of awesome things to do this weekend!

READ:

• I’m reading Beautiful Ruins, by Jess Walter, which is the perfect smart-beach-book.  It’s about a lot of things, but mostly about an actress during the filming “Cleopatra” back in the 1960s who ends up staying at a small Italian hotel by herself and her reasons why. It’s really lovely. – Jessica
• The New Yorker has a must-read account of the Stuebenville rape case, which helps frame and explain what went down and how social media played a major part. In that issue there’s also a great piece on Cecille Richards, president of Planned Parenthood and daughter of awesome former Texas governor Ann Richards. – Julie
• I’m pretty excited about Colum McCann’s new novel, Transatlantic. I loved Let The Great World Spin so much and after I read this article about how he writes in a cupboard, I was fairly obsessed. – Ami
• Guys, I just finished reading The Love Affairs of Nathaniel P. by Adelle Waldman and it is the most accurate portrayal of dating in your 30s in New York City that I’ve ever read. In other words, it’s kind of depressing, but perfectly so. — Amelia 
  

WATCH

• “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” is on Hulu Plus and damn did Helen Hunt wear some freakin’ amazing outfits in that movie.  – Jessica
• My boyfriend Nick and I just started watching “Luther,” a British cop show/thriller. The acting and writing are fantastic, star Idris Elba is smokin’ hot, and it’s a total edge-of-your-seat viewing experience. It’s kind of a combo between “Sherlock” and the first seasons of “Dexter.” The first two seasons are on Netflix, and we actually will be shutting ourselves in this weekend to finish them. – Winona
• Jay Z’s video, excuse me, performance art video for his song “Picasso Baby” is out, and dare I say that Hov is out-Francoing James Franco himself? Jay spent six hours performing the song in a gallery while cameras rolled, and in the edited video, he interacts with a bunch of artists, including Marina Abramovic. It’s pretty fantastic. — Amelia

• I feel like it bears repeating that you can shop online at H&M now, and they have a home goods section and its got really good stuff. — Megan

MAKE

• This watermelon cake tutorial caught my eye. Basically it’s just watermelon and whipped cream adorned with other fruits, but it looks great and would be such a fun (and healthy-ish!) dessert to try to make and, when you’re done being a shut-in, maybe even bring it to a party or something. – Winona
• While browsing Pinterest recently, I came across this so ridiculously simple I’m almost embarrassed to call it a DIY project in which a shadow box is hung around the toilet paper roll in your bathroom, creating a small shelving unit for small knickknacks and books. Genius. – Amelia

Have a young girl in your life? Then here’s a blog post that you’ll want to email to her parent right now. Houston Press writer Jef With One F was appalled by all the garbage he had been reading online about the pro-abstinence “purity” movement, which teaches girls and young women they are only “pure” if they are virgins and that their fathers should be guardians of their sexuality until that responsibility is handed over to their future husband. It’s creepy, it’s heteronormative, and it’s paternalistic as hell. Oh, and it doesn’t work anyway! So Jef With One F wrote up this great listicle, “10 Things I Plan To Tell My Daughter ABout Sex That Aren’t Purity Movement Crap,” which is everything your daughters (and sons!) should hear instead, like:

 You cannot be “ruined,” by an act. You can only be ruined if you let shame and self-loathing consume you, and even then there is always a path back into the light. This goes double for someone trying to convince you sex is evil. That person was either hurt badly or seriously misled.

Damn straight. Check out the whole piece for the best fatherly sex advice you can find. [Houston Press] [Image of father and daughter via Shutterstock]

You know what is just the worst? When pregnant ladies go out in public. Yeah, their selfless maternal giving and their miracle of life — it is really not something other people should have to watch. Please, shield us from the inhumanity.

Or so says a Turkish lawyer, Omer Tugrul Inancer, who pronounced last week that it is immodest for women in the late months of pregnancy to be seen in public.  Inancer, who is an Islamic pundit, told the state television station TRT 1:

“Announcing pregnancy with a flourish of trumpets is against our civility. [They] should not wander on the streets with such bellies. First of all, it is not aesthetic. After seven or eight months of pregnancy, future mothers go out their husbands by car to get some fresh air. And they go out in the evening hours. But now, they are all on television. It’s disgraceful. It is not realism, it is immorality.”

You hear that, ladies? After seven months, you should stick ’round the house, unless your husband decides to drive you somewhere for “some fresh air.” That is, unless he’s sick of looking at your disgusting fat belly! Otherwise, waddle around at nighttime when no one has to look at you.

Shockingly, when he got slammed in the media for his remarks, Inancer only bore more into his bizarre and woman-hating theory, doubling down that pregnant bellies are scaring young girls. Thanks for the paternalism, dudebro, but something tells me it isn’t young girls who are the ones scared here! He ranted to Turkish news station, Anadolu Agency:

“You get married and get pregnant. Okay, you did well. [However], this can not be singled out as the reason you are swinging your belly. The image is not aesthetic. I am still saying the same thing. Why don’t you understand?” These are venerable things. And venerable things are kept in a respectful way … Pregnancy is not made that apparent. Moreover, that’s why young girls are scared of giving birth.”

He continued that maternity leave is supposed to be for women to stay at home (where they belong), not to “wander” the streets and offend us all with their size.

The TV station TRT 1, on which Inancer originally made his remarks, said they are not responsible for his commentary. However, Turkey’s director for Religious Affairs,  released a statement in response saying that while all women, including pregnant women, should not be isolated from society, preggo ladies should really take special care to keep their bellies hidden: “[P]regnant women should be more careful about their dressing – every woman should. [They] should not wear clothes showing their bellies or backs.”

Facepalm.

[Hurriyet Daily News]
[Deutsche Welle]
[Hurriyet Daily News]

[Pregnant woman photo via Shutterstock]

Follow me on Twitter. Email me at Jessica@TheFrisky.com.

Science is awesome. It explains how birds can fly, why the sky is blue, and how gravity works. However, you can also use science to perfect the tiny details of your everyday life—from sleeping better to working smarter and even cooking better food. Here are 10 ways sciences teaches us how to improve our daily lives.

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Famed Soviet sculptor Sergey Merkurov, best known for his towering monuments honoring leaders like Stalin and the death masks he created (the faces of Leo Tolstoy and Maxim Gorky included), dabbled in the erotic arts. The former director of the Pushkin Museum of Fine Arts made an A to Z picture book of people having sex in impossible positions. It contains multiple references to Greek and Roman mythology, hence the horny satyr that appears throughout. We’re still unsure about the inspiration behind the severed male appendages, some of which have wings. See more of Merkurov’s erotic alphabet, which we spotted on … Read More

One woman in New Mexico has a really bad habit of pooping in the same man’s yard on her morning runs. The man, who wishes to remain anonymous, has described the attacks as “malicious fecal distribution,” according to Daily Mail.

The woman has been caught defecating on tape four separate times, which clearly show her swiftly pulling down her shorts, relieving herself, and then continuing on her merry way. The man is naturally fed up and has released the video to local news in the hope that the jogger will see it and discontinue the use of his home as a toilet. He is refraining from calling the police because he fears that his complaint won’t be taken seriously, which is a fair fear to have.

If the poop banditry continues, the man says he plans to “run out there with a hose and hose her down and say, ‘Bad human!’” Honestly, if she has the determination to withstand that kind of humiliation, she’s kind of earned the right to poop wherever she pleases.

[Daily Mail]

[Photo via Daily Mail]

Prostitutes, unless they’re the totally unrealistic Julia-Roberts-In-”Pretty-Woman” kind, are rarely given much cultural consideration outside of a very narrow scope. When you become a prostitute, it seems, you give up your personhood, often reduced to a two-dimensional stereotype that we all carry in our heads.

But sex workers are just like the rest of us — with hopes and dreams and curiosity about the world. Photographer Chris Arnade wanted to capture that, so he brought his telescope to the Hunts Point section of the Bronx, known for being a popular prostitution zone.

Arnade regularly shoots there, capturing the prostitutes, addicts and drug dealers that frequent the neighborhood, and wanted to share something from his own life with his subjects. Of the photographs he writes:

Takeesha was particularly excited, especially about the rings of Saturn. Honestly was not much different from anybody else who I have shown who is smart and curious. I found the reaction of the johns more interesting. They would slow down and just stare out their cars. Takeesha would shout at them, ‘Hey, you want your dick sucked or you want to look at Saturn?’ She has a great sense of humor that way.

Arnade says he hopes to bring his telescope to Hunts Point a couple of times a month, to share the universe with the rest of the neighborhood. “I have forgotten how wonderful it can be to show someone the rings of Saturn for the first time,” he said. So cool. [Gothamist]

Oh man — this is both heartwarming and heartbreaking: a while back it was announced that Sesame Street would introduce a muppet who had a parent in prison. It’s now launched a website specifically for children with parents in prison.

Unfortunately, few resources exist to support young children and families coping with this life-changing circumstance. These children have to deal with the confusion, shame, and anger that accompany the sudden absence of a parent. The 2.7 million children with an incarcerated parent share similar experiences, but they don’t often feel comfortable talking about them. Their parents and caregivers don’t often know how to begin the conversation, and at times discourage children from mentioning it to other adults in their life, such as teachers and extended family.

In order to support children with an incarcerated parent and help them persevere through such a challenging experience, Sesame Workshop launched the Little Children, Big Challenges: Incarceration initiative. The bi-lingual (English/Spanish) resources include videos and a storybook for children to help support and comfort them, videos and guides for parents and caregivers to help them find the language to talk about incarceration with their children, and a resource for the incarcerated parent that highlights the importance of communication.

The initiative was specifically developed for families dealing with the challenges of incarceration, but the struggles of children with an incarcerated parent are something people across the country should understand better. In order to raise awareness about the experiences of young children with an incarcerated parent, we created the below animations. Feel free to share them and spread awareness about the experiences of this underserved community of children.

Related side note: it pains me to say that my home state is the prison capital of the world.

(Louisiana) imprisons more of its people, per head, than any of its U.S. counterparts. First among Americans means first in the world. Louisiana’s incarceration rate is nearly five times Iran’s, 13 times China’s and 20 times Germany’s.

The hidden engine behind the state’s well-oiled prison machine is cold, hard cash. A majority of Louisiana inmates are housed in for-profit facilities, which must be supplied with a constant influx of human beings or a $182 million industry will go bankrupt.

Several homegrown private prison companies command a slice of the market. But in a uniquely Louisiana twist, most prison entrepreneurs are rural sheriffs, who hold tremendous sway in remote parishes like Madison, Avoyelles, East Carroll and Concordia. A good portion of Louisiana law enforcement is financed with dollars legally skimmed off the top of prison operations.

If the inmate count dips, sheriffs bleed money. Their constituents lose jobs. The prison lobby ensures this does not happen by thwarting nearly every reform that could result in fewer people behind bars.

So, um, yeah, thus the need for Sesame Street Incarceration. Sigh.

(Via Digg)

This weekend I was informed, via a celebratory email, that my Tumblr blog (where I post feminist quotes, haute couture dresses, terrible jokes, and pictures of Connie Britton) is now five-years-old. My first thought? Awww, they grow up so fast! My second thought? Damn, my life would be so much different if I’d never signed up for Tumblr. I mean, not only could I have earned at least two PhDs in all the hours I’ve wasted laughing at kitten GIFs, but there are so many things I know and understand now that I never would have known if not for Tumblr. For example…

1. Even the most complex, nuanced emotions can be summed up by a GIF.

2. Any string of random words becomes profound if you write it in Helvetica and paste it onto a picture of the solar system.

3. No topic is too specific of obscure to warrant an entire blog dedicated to it.

4. Benedict Cumberbatch is the most attractive human being on Earth.

5. Today’s teenagers communicate mostly through writing messages on pieces of paper and then taking pictures of themselves looking pensive while holding said pieces of paper.

6. If you’re ever having an argument with a Canadian, just post this image, and you automatically win.

7. Punctuation is completely and totally optional.

8. There are limitless ways to meme-ify Ryan Gosling, and all of them are sexy.

9. “Thigh gap” is a thing that exists that people care way too much about.

10. Shipping preferences are very passionate and personal. Never judge someone’s ships, no matter how weird.

11. Amy Poehler is the cool aunt we all wish we had (and some of us really want her to make out with our other cool aunt, Tina Fey — see #10).

12. Any day is a good day to post a gratuitous picture of yourself, but Wednesday is an especially good day.

13. Everyone feels misunderstood much of the time.

14. If you want to be reminded of how horrible and wonderful people can be, enable anonymous asks in your Tumblr inbox.

15. Don’t fuck with the “Supernatural” fandom. They are legion.

We’ve been having fun with Warner Brothers’ Jaeger designer app which lets you create and creatively name your own Jaegers (giant robots) from Pacific Rim. Then the readers got in on the fun. The Jaegers in the film have names like Gipsy Danger and Striker Eureka, monikers befitting of Key & Peele’s “East/West College Bowl” sketch. It was ripe for parody, and it turns out we weren’t the only ones creating improved Jaeger names.

A single-serving Tumblr, 4th String Jaegers, have been highlighting their own uniquely-named Jaegers since last week, and it’s glorious. Our new favorites are collected below. All pictures via 4th String Jaegers unless otherwise noted. Thanks to Buzzfeed for the assist.

Made by Radiophonics.

Made by Radiophonics.

Made by Radiophonics.

Previous improved Jaeger galleries available here and here.

And by Death Star, I mean the pillow fort the Empire constructed in the den. For more context on Princess R2-D2, check Fashionably Geek.

Previously in Kids

• Conversations with my 2 Year Old: Pants
• Little Girl Wants More Black Widow Action Figures
• More Superheroes Designed After Little Girls Dressed as Superheroes

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“Even world famous rappers have first world problems,” says the tagline for this amaaaaaazing Tumblr, featuring illustrator Ali Graham’s depictions of Jay-Z’s imagined “99 Problems.” Click through to see 12 of our favorites — including “No Toilet Roll” and “Broken Umbrella (Ella Ella)” — and the rest over at her blog, which updates with new and hilarious illustrations regularly. [Probs 99]

At the risk of wading into the lukewarm bathtub of hyperbole, service dogs are pretty much the greatest creatures in the entire world, perhaps even in the galaxy. There are probably some crazy awesome levitating jelly monsters that live by a code of pure altruism in some far corner of the universe, but that hardly seems relevant to our immediate circumstances here, on Earth, which are vastly improved by the existence of service dogs. Even if service dogs just sat around and played bridge only deigning to help us when they grew bored, they’d still be the best creatures around.

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