IKEA Monkey

Captain Boots loves to sniff, cuddle and play. When we first got her at 8 weeks old, she was the smallest puppy we had ever seen, weighing only 3 pounds. Now at 5 months old, she's growing up fast and is on her way to 15 pounds. We affectionately call her our bucket of trouble because if there is trouble to be had, she'll find it. She spends her days napping but if we're sleeping when she isn't, she enjoys acting like an alarm clock, climbing up on our heads in the morning and licking us until we wake up. At first, she was anxious about being outside but now she loves walks and playing in tall grass. She hasn't quite mastered how to roll over or heel just yet but she is very good at jumping through hoops--we're thinking about getting her a side job as a show dog. We're so glad that CB is part of our family!

Music writer Michele Catalano wrote Thursday about a personal experience that may show, to bizarre but chilling effect, the government's online surveillance in action. Catalano writes that her home was visited and searched by members of the Joint Terrorist Task Force --  a fact she attributes to having searched online for pressure cookers, while her husband searched for backpacks.

Of course, there is no way to verify why Catalano's home was selected for a raid -- national security agencies are hardly free with such information. But based on questions posed by the government agents to her husband (she was not home at the time ), Catalano pieced together that a "confluence" of Internet searches -- activity we now know to be tracked and hoarded on databases by the NSA -- brought a SWAT team to her door. She had searched for pressure cookers, her husband had searched for back packs. Following the Boston bombings, otherwise innocuous activity took on a suspicious air to the algorithms daily sifting our almost every online move on behalf of the government.

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My exact thought to myself on Monday morning was, “God, I’m handsome. I should devote the entire week to watching the five Air Bud films, because that would be a fun, cute idea and no way could those movies make me want to tear my brain out of my head and set it on fire.” Anyway, as I write this during the closing credits of today’s installment of 73 Sports Movies in 73 Days, Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch, I would very much like to be treated like the evil doctor at the end of From Hell.

Complaints and self-induced misery aside, we trek ahead with this fourth installment of the Air Bud franchise, as everyone now discovers that Buddy is a world class baseball player. Because why the f*ck not?

The “How High Were The Guys Who Wrote This?” Plot

We catch up with the Framm family and their beloved, possibly-alien Golden Retriever Buddy, as the hunky Josh (still played by the loyal Kevin Zegers) is heading off to college and leaving his family and best friend behind. That’s okay, though, because Andrea Framm is heading to junior high school now and she’s going to join the baseball team, because every youth sport in Ferndale or Farmington or FUBAR Township or whatever it’s called is coed, because this is a utopian society in which men, women and dog were all created equal.

Also, the second actress who played Mrs. Framm has returned and her husband, Dr. Sullivan, is now played by Richard Karn, AKA Al Borland from TV’s Home Improvement. And just like the first three Air Bud films, someone is trying to steal Buddy away from the Framms because of his incredible athletic ability. Except this time, the villains are after not only Buddy, but also all five of his pups, who have also become amazing athletes that are capable of playing sports with human beings.

However, the villains in Seventh Inning Fetch are a raccoon and his two human henchmen, because OF COURSE TWO HUMAN MEN TAKE ORDERS FROM A F*CKING RACCOON THAT DOESN’T TALK. Is it really this easy to write children’s films? Because I can do this with my eyes closed. How about this idea, I call it Air Bud: Spring Break Frat Dog Party…

Josh heads off to the University of Washington with his best friend, Tommy, and Air Bud sneaks off to join him, because what high school sports star dog wouldn’t get an athletic scholarship to a PAC-12 program? So Josh becomes the QB of the Huskies while Buddy is his top receiver and Golden Tate is there eating a donut and he says something like, “Hey, I’m the Golden Receiver!” and he smiles and the graphics department adds one of those sparkles to his teeth.

Anyway, Josh and Buddy turn the Huskies program around from a winless season to take them to the conference championship game, as they take on Lane Kiffin and the USC Trojans. Except, Kiffin orders his players to kidnap buddy from the Rho Upsilon Phi Phi kegger the night before the big game, so Josh has to win the game by himself. But Buddy escapes his captors, who probably have mustaches, and he makes it back to help the Huskies overcome a large deficit and win the big game.

The film closes with Buddy being named the Grand Marshal of the Rose Bowl Parade.

Anyway, that’s just what I would have done for the fourth Air Bud film, since the idea of letting Buddy skip college to go pro is just irresponsible in letting today’s youth think that they don’t need a solid secondary education in case their athletic futures fall apart.

As for Seventh Inning Fetch, Buddy is lost without Josh now, so he starts tagging along with Andrea, who joins the baseball team and discovers that Buddy can also play baseball, because by this point my eyes are bleeding from my brain rejecting everything that’s going on. Also, I think that the town might actually be overrun with Golden Retrievers, because they’re everywhere. Or maybe Buddy is just like the Shawn Kemp of dogs. Whatever.

Two important notes about the junior high baseball team:

- The coach is the female character from the TV show Herman’s Head, which was one of the most underrated TV shows ever made. There’s nothing else to add, and I just wanted to mention Herman’s Head.

- Andrea’s best friend is the team’s catcher and not only does she exhibit poor form by facing the infield when catching a foul ball, but she also rips off Dottie Hinson’s split move from A League of Their Own, which is a movie I may eventually watch for this.

So Rocky the Raccoon and his cohorts are stealing Buddy’s pups one-by-one, and Sheriff Bob is pretty pissed off about the whole thing and the fact that he’s a cartoon character from the 60s, but he’s played by the same guy who played Joseph “Blue” Pulaski in Old School, so I’m cool with his shtick. Rocky and the gang eventually get their paws and hands on Buddy, too, and it’s right when the team needs him and Andrea the most.

Andrea and Tammy completely ditch their teammates, who are getting killed by the Baboons in the big game, and Rocky’s henchmen are about to harvest Buddy’s blood for their experiment to create an army of athletically-gifted animals. In some confusing animal exchange, though, Buddy trades the keys to the cages for Andrea’s watch that was given to her by Josh, and she rescues all of the dogs in time to get them back to the big game. I think Rocky let them go or something because he felt bad, but I couldn’t really tell because HE’S A RACCOON.

Because Buddy and Josh are there to cheer her on, Andrea hits the game-winning inside-the-park home run because the kid playing right field couldn’t pick up a hooker with a $200 bill hanging out of his braces. Also, this guy is the mailman and the junior high baseball team announcer and he makes me want to punch everything in the world, including the actual world.

After the game, Andrea sees Josh and shouts, “Josh you came!” even though she clearly looked at him in the stands before she had the winning hit. I’d say this makes no sense, but the ending proves that there is simply no sense to be made.

The Worst Ending In Sports Movie History

NINE MONTHS LATER…

Somehow the Anaheim Angels of Los Angeles have signed Buddy and he leads them to the World Series. The Angels win on a double play, with Buddy playing first base and catching the final out. This is stupid. Really stupid.

The end.

Publicly funded family planning services, the kind currently being gutted by state lawmakers across the country, saved the government $10.5 billion and helped women prevent 2.2 million unplanned pregnancies and 760,000 abortions in 2010, according to a new study released by the Guttmacher Institute.

To break it down even further, taxpayers saved $5.68 for every dollar the government spent on contraceptive services that year.

Health centers that received some funding through the federal Title X program, which Republicans have also been working diligently to axe in the name of austerity, served 4.7 million women in 2010, helping to prevent 1.2 million unintended pregnancies, which would have resulted in an estimated 590,000 unplanned births and 400,000 abortions.

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The Loch Ness Monster. The Chupacabra. The Angry, Foul-Mouthed Iowa Rhubarb Thief. Only one of these is real. [ more › ]

Rob Lowe and Rashida Jones will be leaving Parks and Rec during the 13th episode of the upcoming sixth season, executive producer Mike Schur has confirmed — because their characters are maybe, probably, having that baby they were talking about at the end of last season.

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Even if you've got the cold, bitter heart of someone ruined by years of endless OKCupid dates, photos of gay people getting married always make quick work at melting those icy walls away. Case in point: looking at the many couples that stayed up overnight to be the first to get married in Minnesota, where gay marriage became legal at 12:01 a.m. Thursday morning.

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This is apparently a real tattoo of Ronda Rousey if some random person posting on Facebook is to be trusted. And in my experience, people on the Internet can always be trusted. Anyway, I’d love to know if this was a bet or intentional, and if it is the latter, what the purpose is. Because if the point of this tattoo is to somehow win Rousey’s heart by showing it to her in public, I really need to know when and where that’s going to happen so I can get front row seats for her reaction.

Hey Gina Carano, can you do me a favor and show me what Rousey’s reaction won’t be?

Thanks, Gina!

CFL: British Columbia at Toronto – 7:30 PM ET on NBC Sports

I am looking forward to watching such CFL stars like… *trails off, stares out window, notices two squirrels doing it, forces handful of Cheez-Its into mouth, naps*

MLB: Mariners at Red Sox (or Rockies at Braves) – 7 PM ET on MLB Network

BUT I WANT THE ROCKIES AT BRAVES!!! PAPI SMASH!!!

MLB: Reds at Padres (or Yankees at Dodgers) – 10 PM ET on MLB Network

Who am I kidding, my old ass will be asleep by 10. Right, nosey giraffe?

From Serious Eats: New York

[Photographs: J. Kenji Lopez-Alt]

Let's open a restaurant and bar in the East Village that doesn't serve liquor, has no kitchen, and prepares most of its food by opening a can and slapping it on a cutting board is the kind of business plan that wouldn't get much traction if it weren't coming from the two former general managers of Torrisi and Parm. But that's exactly what Nialls Fallon and Gareth Maccubbin have done with the old Life Cafe space on the North East corner of Tompkins Square Park.

The space is not particularly East Village either. You can slide into a wide park bench-style wooden banquette, or sidle up to the concrete bar on a black stool. It all feels very minimalist Scandinavian, functional but very comfortable, like a showroom in Ikea's higher class, sexier sister store.

The kitchen space is as minimalist as the restaurant, currently consisting of nothing but a low-boy refrigerator, a sandwich station, and a single induction burner, which is currently used only for testing the few hot menu items that will eventually make an appearance.

For now, your options are limited to cured meats, fish, and cheese, as well as a number of salads and sandwiches, but thankfully there's a large array to choose from within those categories, all of it reasonably priced and quite good.

Salmon roe with crème fraîche.

Some dishes rely on nothing but a few small composed cold elements. The best of the small bites is a spoonful of crème fraîche topped with cured salmon roe and a pinch of chives ($3 each). The mildly salty eggs are plenty fresh and burst nicely on your tongue when you press them against the roof of your mouth. Pickled white anchovies with their pale flesh and glistening silver skin are also available by the piece ($1).

Virginia ham tea sandwich.

Tea sandwiches come in three flavors (Virginia ham, cucumber, and trout salad) at $5 each, slathered in softened butter, served cut into rectangles with the crusts removed. I didn't have tea to wash them down with, but my Ballast Point Sculpin IPA ($6) did the trick. It's one of a dozen or so bottles available, including $5 tall boys of Naragansett (are you even allowed to open a downtown bar without tall boys on the menu these days?).

There are no full cocktails on the menu, but a number of wine and beer-based drinks like the Black Vulture ($8), a kalimotxo variant made with red wine, Mexican coke, and a homemade sarsaparilla syrup which gives it a nice vanilla-scented root beer twang.

Black Vulture.

Taking a glance at the rest of the drinks list reveals Maiden Lane's true identity: It's a wine bar that just happens to serve some good small plates and sandwiches. There are a dozen glass pours on the menu and another dozen sherries, along with over 50 bottles with a cosmopolitan bent that spans most of the old world and Chile. It's tough to decipher a guiding principle in their selection, but "makes sense with good canned seafood" could easily be the running theme.

Octopus, cod liver in oil, and mussels in escabeche.

Tuna or salmon packed in water has given canned seafood a bad rap in this country, but that's not the case everywhere. Canned seafood has a place in the Spanish culinary repertoire as respected as, say, jarred foie gras in France or dried pasta in the Italian. That is, just because it ain't fresh, doesn't mean it can't be delicious. Maiden Lane embraces this concept more completely than any restaurant I've seen—fully half of its menu is made up of high quality canned Spanish seafood, served directly from the can with a side of parsley salad, bread, and softened butter.

Is this idea going to turn some people off? Probably, at first. But it's easy to forget once you've gotten a plump, tender mussel in escabeche on the end of your toothpick or a smear of butter-smooth confit cod liver spread on your toast. It helps that it's all reasonably priced as well. According to a quick calculation based on prices I found online, most of the cans are marked up around 60 to 80% from mail-order retail price. Compare that with the average 300 to 400% markup on basic food costs at most restaurants, or the 500 to 600% markups people pay on beer simply to sip it in a nice atmosphere from a good glass, and it doesn't seem like a bad deal at all.

Big board.

The seafood doesn't only come in cans. There are also curated pickled and preserved fish plates on the front half of the menu (they come with onions, cucumber, and bread) ranging from whitefish salad from Russ & Daughters to a dill-cured salmon. Our favorite was a smoky trout salad laced with tarragon. You can order them individual for $7, a sampler of four for $20, or go all out with the big board ($50), a selection of 4 cured meats (on this visit we had Spanish morcilla, saucisson sec from Portland, smoked duck breast, and country ham), a few cheeses (from Germany, Ireland, and Italy), all of the preserved fish, and more accompaniments than I cared to take notes on.

It's a lot of food—easily enough to make a meal out of for two people or snacks for four to five, which may be the best way to experience it. This is the kind of place I'd visit with my roommate or my sister on a week night, or perhaps with some work colleagues for an early evening glass of wine.

Heirloom tomatoes with blue cheese and shiso.

The tomato salad we tried had some great tomatoes served as they should be—with just a drizzle of good olive oil, some salt, and a few leafy herbs (in this case shiso), along with a scattering of a creamy but mild German blue cheese.

Chilled gazpacho.

We weren't quite as fond of the gazpacho, which hit all the right flavors—olive oil, good tomato, and sherry vinegar—but had a bit too much un-emulsified bread in it. As Max put it, "I don't want to have to chew my soup."

Chorizo sandwich with pickled green tomato and old bay mayo.

A better pick for a solo diner might be the chorizo sandwich ($10), which comes open-faced and topped with pickled green tomatoes, shallots, a spicy Old Bay mayo, and a big herb salad what was just a bit too herbal for our tastes.

I could easily see myself ordering a trout salad and a glass of wine for dinner, or a chorizo sandwich with a homemade sarsaparilla soda for lunch. The whole place has a comfy neighborhood vibe that is hip without being pretentious, fancy enough to make you feel elegant but not ripped off, and that's something that you can't pull out of a can.

About the author: J. Kenji Lopez-Alt is the Chief Creative Officer of Serious Eats where he likes to explore the science of home cooking in his weekly column The Food Lab. You can follow him at @thefoodlab on Twitter, or at The Food Lab on Facebook.

From Drinks

View Great Chicago Dive Bars in a larger map.

Chicago is a fantastic city for dive bars. It's so great that my initial list of contenders for the city's best consisted of 42 bars, and I'm positive that I could have added more places if I asked more people. Many of the city's divey neighborhood bars have been around—and beloved—for decades.

What is a dive bar, by definition? While I love places to get great cocktails, I also love places where I can only get PBR and where I won't even venture into the bathroom unless it's a dire emergency. The latter are dives. Dives also tend to be populated by old men, and the more old men in an establishment, the better things are going to be. A few more rules: if the bar even has a website, it should look like it was made in 1995. Dives have to be cheap—charging $6 for a can of cheap beer is putting on airs. There should be nothing remotely pretentious about a dive bar, and if I walk in wearing a sundress and ballet flats, I should feel overdressed.

A great dive should have its own personality—you should be able to immediately distinguish one wood-paneled interior from another. In the case of Rose's Lounge, it's a bar that makes you feel like you're drinking in your grandmother's basement. At Club Foot, it's the '80s and '90s toys lining the walls. At Carol's, it's the country music and the mélange of patrons, some cowboy-hatted seriously, some ironically.

With so many to choose from, assembling a list of every essential Chicago dive bar would be more than even the eagerest drinker could manage. So we've narrowed it down to 8 great Chicago dive bars we've enjoyed recently, and plan to return to soon.

Rose's Lounge

[Photographs: Amy Cavanaugh]

If you've ever sat around drinking in your grandmother's musty basement, chances are it felt something like Rose's Lounge. Frosted mugs to hold $2 pours of Old Style come out of a kitchen-sized fridge behind the bar, there are mismatched couches, a discarded dining room table set, Christmas lights, figurines, alarm clocks, and a Blockbuster video gumball machine. Despite the overload of décor to take in, it's the people watching the steals the show. There are quirky older drinkers from the neighborhood, wayward DePaul students, and low-key types who need a break from typical Lincoln Park bars. The dusty bottles behind the bar seem to have been there for decades, so everyone drinks the frosty mugs of Old Style. As an added bonus, bartenders, who may or may not be your grandmother's age, will pass out dollars for the jukebox.

Rose's Lounge: 2656 North Lincoln Avenue, Chicago, IL 60614 (map) 773-327-4000

St. Pauli Club

When we arrived at St. Pauli Club at 11 p.m., the older woman working there had to come unlock the door and let us in. And the bar was empty. While only three more people joined us before we left at 2 a.m., and we were the youngest people there by about 30 years, the oak-wood bar somehow felt completely convivial. The bar has a jukebox with German music, a pool table, and episodes of Matlock on TV—there's a lot to keep you entertained until 4 a.m., when the bar closes. The draft selection rotates, but we had steins of Spaten, plus a whiskey shot the bartender bought us.

St. Pauli Club: 5109 North Lincoln Avenue, Chicago, IL 60625 (map) 773-769-1922

George's Cocktail Lounge

Chicago has hybrid bars and liquor stores, where you can drink alongside cases of Bud Light and sip your drink while the bartender sells people to-go beverages. George's is one such place. Located in the South Loop, it's dead until about 11 p.m., and nuts starting around 2 a.m. Open until 4 a.m. during the week, and 5 a.m. on weekends, George's is located across the street from Buddy Guy's Legends, and draws industry folks after their own bars close. It also draws tourists, since hotels send visitors looking for a downtown dive here, as there are few other nearby options. Despite the name of the establishment, everyone drinks the Bud or Bud Light on draft or orders a bottled beer. Or you could get a whiskey and Coke, or take a bottle of whiskey home with you.

George's Cocktail Lounge: 646 South Wabash Avenue, Chicago, IL 60605 (map) 312-427-3964

Rossi's Liquors

Many Chicago dive bars open in the morning even before offices, so third shifters can unwind before going home. So it seemed necessary to visit one bar early in the morning to explore the full range of dive bar experiences. I found myself at Rossi's Liquors at 8:24 a.m. on a recent Tuesday, with a PBR in front of me, and I was not the only one. I met someone who had just gotten off work and was winding down with a beer and someone else having a drink alongside coffee before they went to work. The guy clearing out the ATM was there too. Rossi's inexplicably has Revolution beer on tap, but the seats feel like they're going to collapse beneath you, the ceiling on top of you, and most people just drink bottles of PBR. I couldn't manage a whole PBR that early and wound up wandering to Xoco, Rick Bayless' torta restaurant, for a chorizo-egg sandwich. That's one upside to early morning drinking—morning breakfast drunk food beats drunk pizza any day.

Rossi's Liquors: 412 North State Street, Chicago, IL 60654 (map) 312-644-5775

Club Foot

Imagine your house if you never threw out a single toy from your childhood. That's what Club Foot is like. Walls are lined with action figures and dolls, and there are games to play, and beer to drink. There's a full lineup of liquor, but PBRs are $2 each weeknight, so that's what everyone drinks. The Ukrainian Village spot has been a bar since the 1880s, and the owner told me that it was probably a speakeasy during Prohibition. While the bar is dark, and DJs are spinning, Club Foot still manages to feel like your childhood bedroom.

Club Foot: 1824 West Augusta Boulevard, Chicago, IL 60622 (map) 773-489-0379

L&L Tavern

The L&L Tavern is notorious for its serial killer connections—apparently John Wayne Gacy and Jeffrey Dahmer were both regularly in attendance at the Lakeview dive. These days, you'll find a mix of neighborhood residents, bands playing nearby, and people who wandered down after a Cubs game. Vintage beer signs line the walls, and the tables are so wobbly, you should probably just sit at the bar. PBRs are $2.50, and there's a surprisingly good selection of Irish whiskeys, but you won't find anything on draft. The closest dive on the list to my house, the L&L is my go-to bar.

L&L Tavern: 3207 North Clark Street, Chicago, Illinois 60657 (map) 773-528-1303

Bob Inn

The Logan Square bar is located just across the street from Fireside Bowl, so hitting the two in one night is a solid plan. Bob Inn has pool tables and cheap beer and 20-something Logan Square kids mingling with older blue-collar types. It really feels like the perfect neighborhood bar, where anyone would feel comfortable stopping for a drink. It doesn't have the grimy, falling-apart element that the other bars on this list have, but it's dark, cheap, and people only drink PBR or whiskey. Order those and call it a day.

Bob Inn: 2609 W. Fullerton Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60647 (map

Carol's Pub

We may have saved the best for last: this Uptown country bar features a house band on the weekends, cheap drinks and one of the most fascinating groups of people I've ever seen. There were girls sporting ironic-colorful cowboy hats sitting next to people seriously wearing cowboy hats. There were truck drivers and people in pearls. The crowd may be diverse, but everyone hits the dance floor and embraces the live music, grimy bar tops and unstable stools. While there is food available, I didn't see a single person order anything—instead, head to the cheap burrito spot next door to soak up the booze.

Carol's Pub: 4659 North Clark Street, Chicago, IL 60640 (map) 773-334-2402

Where's your favorite Chicago dive bar? Add to the list in the comments below!

About the Author: Amy Cavanaugh writes about food, drink, and travel from her home base of Chicago.

ABOARD THE PAPAL AIRCRAFT (AP) -- Pope Francis reached out to gays on Monday, saying he wouldn't judge priests for their sexual orientation in a remarkably open and wide-ranging news conference as he returned from his first foreign trip.

"If someone is gay and he searches for the Lord and has good will, who am I to judge?" Francis asked.

His predecessor, Pope Benedict XVI, signed a document in 2005 that said men with deep-rooted homosexual tendencies should not be priests. Francis was much more conciliatory, saying gay clergymen should be forgiven and their sins forgotten.

Francis' remarks came Monday during a plane journey back to the Vatican from his first foreign trip in Brazil.

He was funny and candid during his first news conference that lasted almost an hour and a half. He didn't dodge a single question, even thanking the journalist who raised allegations reported by an Italian newsmagazine that one of his trusted monsignors was involved in a scandalous gay tryst.

Francis said he investigated and found nothing to back up the allegations.

Francis was asked about Italian media reports suggesting that a group within the church tried to blackmail fellow church officials with evidence of their homosexual activities. Italian media reported this year that the allegations contributed to Benedict's decision to resign.

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She's a slave to blue. (Sorry.)

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John Morillo is just a bro’s bro with a little bit of confidence in his swimming abilities and the balls to back it all up. The other night, as he was tipping a few brewskis back with his brohams, Morillo was finally fed up with his pals questioning his claims that he could swim from Windsor, Ontario to Detroit, across the Detroit River, so he jumped in and went for it.

And he would have gotten away with it, if it weren’t for you meddling harbor masters!

“The harbour master was extremely mad at me,” said Morillo. “I don’t know, maybe they pulled him out of bed or something.”

Morillo said he’s also been barred from any city property on the waterfront. Besides that, he had his irate mother to deal with.

“She just hung up on me,” said Morillo. “She said ‘you’re just so stupid.’” (Via the Windsor Star)

Ontario – it’s Canada’s answer to Florida.

MLB: Rays at Red Sox – 7 PM ET on ESPN

Man, those Tampa Bay Rays sure are on fire. I bet their fans are loving every second of this run for first place. All six of them! Hit me one time, Monkey Drummer!

Basketball: The Under-17 AAU Super Showcase – 7 PM ET on ESPN U

Tune in tonight and watch a bunch of kids who might be the future of the NBA show off their skills while a bunch of teenage girls down the street get lessons from Vanessa Lopez on how to properly secure their financial future with the appropriate abortion contracts.

WWE Main Event – 7 PM ET on ION

People will shout at each other and then fight. It’s like Congress but with better acting.

Today’s installment of 73 Sports Movies in 73 Days is the 1996 comedy Happy Gilmore, which many people consider to be one of the funniest sports movies ever made. Some of my friends believe that it is the funniest sports movie ever made, but I won’t even have that conversation as long as I have a functioning brain and am aware of the existence of Slap Shot, which will have its day here soon enough.

While I didn’t plan on watching Happy Gilmore (for the gazillionth time) just yet, my hand was forced by a conversation with a friend who believes that I truly hate all of Adam Sandler’s work, from his Saturday Night Live days all the way to his latest effort Grown Ups 2, and that couldn’t be any farther from the truth. The fact is that my discontent and borderline loathsome animosity toward Sandler and his Happy Madison cronies is actually the result of how much they’ve regressed and devolved since the days of Happy Gilmore, which I have always believed to be Sandler’s finest piece of work.

Also, it’s Friday and I just wanted to watch something stupid and fun.

The “Guilty Pleasure” Film

A lot of people that I know and read consider Happy Gilmore to be a guilty pleasure, which is a ridiculous idea to me, because there’s nothing to feel guilty about. It’s as hilarious today – to a 34-year old blogger with no alcohol (at the moment) or THC in his system – as it was 17 years ago to a teenager that might have possibly had plenty of those in his system at any hour of the day. Unless his mom is reading this, in which case, what are alcohol and THC?

The only person who should feel guilty is Sandler, who started off his film career with two cult hits that eventually grew into mainstream hits, with Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore, although I’d argue that the former definitely doesn’t age as well as the iconic golf comedy. If anything, I wish we could have cryogenically frozen Sandler right after The Wedding Singer and only defrosted him every few years so he never went on to make forgettable duds like Mr. Deeds, Jack and Jill and, my least favorite of anything ever made in any medium of entertainment ever, That’s My Boy.

(*Bobby Big Wheel and I had a brief discussion yesterday about how we both actually enjoyed You Don’t Mess with the Zohan. I also admittedly enjoyed 50 First Dates, which I’d say qualifies as a guilty pleasure. But I also attribute my enjoyment of both of those films to the fact that I’ve watched every Happy Madison film, especially those in recent years, and I appreciate their creativity so much more when comparing them to That’s My Boy. Food for thought.)

For those of you who refer to Happy Gilmore as a “guilty pleasure,” please stop. Embrace it as an actual, proud pleasure and perhaps we can force Sandler to reclaim this ridiculousness that appealed to everyone and not just his gaggle of herp-a-derp friends who wouldn’t know a fresh joke if it kicked them in the balls while making a record scratch.

The Longevity Of Such A Ridiculous Film

One of the true signs of a classic and iconic film is how many quotable moments it features and how long people keep quoting it. I play golf semi-regularly and I’m awful, but not a round goes by that I don’t hear at least one mention of Happy Gilmore. Some of the lines that people, including myself, still let fly to this day include:

And of course:

We certainly can’t forget:

Nor can we exclude:

Even the moments that didn’t necessarily have lines:

And those that don’t even have anything to do with golf:

Or the line that I constantly say to myself at the driving range to keep from snapping all of my clubs in half:

Hell, even the pro guys are still trying to master the Happy Gilmore drive at tour events.

One Thing That Still Makes My Sides Hurt

This guy slays me. Every damn time.

Young Julie Bowen

I still kind of dig older Julie Bowen on Modern Family a little more, but young Julie Bowen should have been a lot more famous.

Whatever Happened To This Kid?

This kid should have been famous just for his unique looks alone. According to IMDB, Jared Van Snellenberg had several roles post-Happy, including in Saving Silverman, Rat Race and Air Bud: Spikes Back. But he never appeared in another Happy Madison film, which strikes me as very odd because of Sandler’s longstanding tendency to take care of his own. Poor Jared. I think he’s due for a comeback in whatever Happy Madison turd is next.

This Might Be One Of My All-Time Favorite Movie Scenes

Again, I don’t feel guilty about this at all.

Chubbs Was Perhaps Carl Weathers’ Finest Character

I know, this is where I cross the line from playful hyperbole into outright blasphemy, because blah, blah, blah Apollo Creed and Dillon. But if I cared enough to walk outside and I didn’t hate talking to people in person, I’d love to take a survey and ask random strangers what they remember Carl Weathers for most in his career. I’m willing to bet that the majority of people would say, “Who’s that?” and then the second most popular response would be Chubbs. My gut feels pretty strongly about that one.

Also, I Love The Opening Credits As Much As The Movie

Not too many movies are able to incorporate top notch dick jokes into their opening credits. That’s an impressive feat in itself.

Final Grade: I could go on and on about the movie and probably GIF the whole damn thing and call my old college buddies and quote it until we accidentally start confusing it with Billy Madison and probably a movie like Anchorman that doesn’t even feature Sandler. Happy Gilmore is a true classic that deserves to be openly appreciated with no guilt or shame. I give it all the Abraham Lincolns, Chubbs and one-eyed alligators in the world forever and ever.

Bold promises [Photograph: Dave Katz]

New York just emerged from a withering heat wave, the kind that left me sprawled out on my tile floor, draped in an icewater-soaked towel with a fan perched above my lifeless body for days on end. I know some people don't like to eat in that kind of weather, but even a UV index cranked to 11 isn't enough to kill my appetite, so I dragged myself up off the floor to assemble a meal that would require absolutely zero additional heat.

Unlike me, corn and tomatoes love the hot hot heat, and I had recently picked up some ultra-sweet bicolor corn and ripe Sungold tomatoes at the market. Years ago, a farmer I worked with turned me on to snacking on fresh sweet corn raw, and I've been hooked ever since.* Some of you may remember my sadness over not liking raw tomatoes earlier this summer, but I'm happy to report that I can enjoy wee little Sungolds when chopped into quarters. And because a salad isn't a salad in my mind without some meat, I sliced a few ribbons of proscuitto to toss in there, too. Some fresh basil leaves and a quick grating of Parmesan cheese on top were the finishing touches, along with a glug of olive oil and salt and pepper. I thoroughly enjoyed my colorful meal from my DIY igloo on the floor.

So, what's your favorite no-cook meal? (And if you need some inspiration, we've got 24 recipes right this way.)

*While I realize it's unrealistic for everybody to buy everything farm-fresh, raw corn really does taste much better if it's fresh from a local farmstand or farmers market, as opposed to from the supermarket. Trust me on this one.

About the author: Jamie Feldmar is a noodle aficionado, barbecue lover, and the managing editor of Serious Eats. You can follow her on Twitter at @jfeldmar.

Today is Maya Rudolph's birthday! Here in her honor is one of my favorite SNL sketches of all time in case you missed it: "I Know Why The Caged Bird Laughs." Now, when is she gonna appear in one of her husband's fantastic ensemble movies? I've been WAITING.

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VIEW SLIDESHOW: 33 Cheap Eats We Love in Logan Square

[Photograph: Debbie Carlos]

Of all the Cheap Eats guides I've put together, this was easily the most personal. I've lived in Logan Square for the past five years, so I feel like I've amassed some serious first hand knowledge of the affordable options. Which isn't to say that I'm completely done and that I've found every single great option, because whenever I think I have the northwest neighborhood all sussed out, a dozen new places pop up. Most shocking of all, most of these places turn out to be really, really good.

So, how best to sum up such an unruly hood, one that contains a host of the most exciting new restaurant openings in Chicago along with a solid base of more affordable joints? The answer I decided upon was this: exhaustively.

Instead of shying away from the task at hand, I embraced it, picking out 33 different dishes in Logan Square under $10. While most of these picks are genuine meals, I also decided to include a snack section in this guide, which was a great way to explore some of the more expensive options around the area. Oh, and there are some sweets, too. I can't forget those, now can I?

The Boundaries

View Cheap Eats We Love in Logan Square in a larger map

Though not as confusing as same neighborhood divisions, Logan Square has its own issues. Basically, Logan Square is big, so I had to figure out what to leave out. Though most people agree that Pulaski is the western edge, the other three sides can be disputed. It's technically a community area in Chicago, but if I went off that map, I'd also have to add Bucktown to the mix, and that just didn't seem right (plus, I already wrote a Cheap Eats guide for Bucktown). To fix that, I used Western Ave. as the eastern edge. Finally, I went as far as the Bloomingdale Trail (which will soon become an amazing looking park) to the south, and, with one notable exception, Diversey to the north.

Check out all of our favorite cheap eats in Logan Square by clicking on the slideshow, or by checking out the list below. And if I missed one of your favorite spots, let me know in the comments!

Cheap Eats We Love in Logan Square

• Pan con Chicharron at 4 Suyos ($8.00)
• Biscuit at Bang Bang Pie Shop ($2.50)
• Carne Asada Taco at L' Patron ($2.00)
• Steak Jibarito at La Bomba ($5.00)
• Traditional Crepe at La Boulangerie ($7.99)
• Tacos at Masa Azul ($9.00 for three)
• Bagel at Reno ($2.25)
• Slice of Pizza, PBR Tall Boy, Shot of Jameson at The Boiler Room ($7.50)
• Adobado Taco at Taqueria Moran ($1.75)
• Chorizo Taco at 2 Amigos ($2.00)
• Carne Asada Torta at Chapala Tianguis ($3.99)
• The Potato Taco Special at Carnicerias Jimenez ($3.49)
• Hot Dog with Fries at Mr. G's Beef ($2.50)
• Original Cheesesteak with Provolone from Philly's Best ($6.49, small)
• Steak Sandwich at El Cubanito ($3.95)
• Grilled Cheese at The Brown Sack ($6.00)
• Egg, Pepper, and Tomato Sandwich at Johnny's Grill ($4.05)
• Pan con Ropa Vieja from El Rinconcito Cubano ($5.95)
• Fritada con Torta de Papa from Restaurant Ecuador ($8.50)
• Daily Waffle at Jam ($9.00)
• The Steak Sandwich at Cafe Marianao ($4.25)
• Hand-Breaded Chicken Sandwich at The Rocking Horse ($9.00)

Snacks

• Pretzel with Welsh Rarebit at Longman & Eagle ($5.00)
• Hush Puppies at Parson's Chicken & Fish ($4.00)
• Pig Ears Malt Vinegared with Cornichon Aioli at Billy Sunday ($8.00)
• Scotch Egg at Owen & Engine ($7.00)
• Chicken Wings at Yusho ($6.00)
• Applewood Smoked Wings from Revolution Brewing ($9.00)
• Samosas at Township ($7.00)

Sweets

• Lemon Ice at Miko's Italian Ice ($2.00)
• Molé Truffles at Katherine Anne Confections
• Smoked Pecan Sticky Bun from Lula Cafe ($4.00)
• Pie at Bang Bang Pie Shop ($5.00)

More Cheap Eats Guides!

• 19 Cheap Eats We Love in Bridgeport
• 14 Cheap Eats We Love in Chicago's Bucktown
• Cheap Eats We Love in Chicago's Wicker Park
• 32 Cheap Eats We Love in Lakeview
• 20 Cheap Eats We Love in Lincoln Park
• 21 Cheap Eats We Love in Chicago's River North
• 26 Cheap Eats We Love in The Loop

Got ripe summer tomatoes? Got day-old bread? Make this classic Tuscan Panzanella Salad recipe! This is a great make-ahead recipe for a summer potluck or backyard party, or make it for dinner and serve with grilled chicken.

Continue reading "Panzanella Bread Salad" »

Does that last bit of mayonnaise or peanut butter at the bottom of a jar really bother you? I usually hand the jar over to my dog and let her take care of it, but for some reason not everyone has a dog. That’s why some entrepreneurs have harnessed the technology behind deodorant sticks to eliminate this problem.

Their product video isn’t polished, but their prototypes make sense. Instead of dirtying spoons or wasting product, you can just twist, twist, twist to get to the bottom of a jar easily. As long as these products are just as recyclable as the glass and plastic jars we use today, it’s an amazing idea.

Unfortunately, this product won’t hit the market until next year at the very earliest, which means that we’re going to have to suffer through using butter knives to get food products out of jars. Like a bunch of animals.

Jar With A Twist! [Official Site] (via Foodbeast)

Cry-Baby #1: Margie Rhea Ramey

(via Reddit/image via Hawkins County Jail)

 The incident: A woman thought some people were about to pull into her driveway to turn their car around. 

The appropriate response: Nothing. Putting up a gate or something if it's a recurring problem. 

The actual response: She shot at them with a gun. 

Last Sunday, a man named Oscar Scott was driving with his wife and five children, aged between 4 and 12, in Bays Mountain Park, Tennessee.

Oscar wanted to take a scenic route, so took a turn down a road called Bays Mt. Road. He soon realized it didn't lead anywhere, "We got pretty far down that road and you could see where it turned into an old log road, so I put the vehicle in reverse to turn around."

Which is when 72-year-old Margie Rhea Ramey (pictured above) began shooting at them.

According to Oscar, she shot at them at least twice, with one shot hitting the running board of his car, near to where one of his children was sitting. 

In an interview with the Old Time News, Oscar said "I hadn’t even begun to turn my wheels to pull in her driveway, I just put my vehicle in reverse, and just as quickly as I put it in reverse I heard her hollering and my little boy said, ‘does she got a gun?' About that time she started shooting.”

Sgt. Michael Allen, of the local police department, told the Old Time News, “During a field interview Mrs. Ramey openly admitted to shooting her rifle towards the vehicle because she has had a continuous problem with people tearing up her driveway.”

Margie was arrested and charged with seven counts of felony reckless endangerment. She was released on bail, and is due back in court for a preliminary hearing in September. 

Cry-Baby #2: Olga Rozhoav

The incident: A teacher saved a class of children from a burning building. 

The appropriate response: Congratulating her. Possibly even giving her some kind of award or a medal or something 

The actual response: She was fired. 

Last week, Michelle Hammack was working at Little Temples Childcare in Jacksonville, Florida. 

While her children were taking their afternoon nap, Michelle smelled burning and went to investigate. In the kitchen, she discovered a small fire in the oven. When she opened the oven door, the smoke cause the fire alarm to go off.

She went back to her classroom, woke up her kids, and led them outside to safety. 

While other teachers did a head count, Michelle went back inside the building to make sure there were no children left. While inside, she realized that the fire was small enough for her to deal with, and extinguished it herself. 

Upon returning to work the next day, she was fired. 

Speaking to Action News Jackson, Olga Rozhoav, the owner of Little Temples Childcare said, “I fired her only because she left her room. Even though children are sleeping, the teachers are supposed to be there. It’s not acceptable, and if anybody else does the same thing, I will fire again. I will fire them. No question.”

The Department of Children and Families is currently investigating the incident.

Which of these grumpy old gals is the bigger cry-baby? Let us know in this poll plz:

Who is the bigger cry-baby?

 

Previously: A guy who called the cops on someone for singing "Happy Birthday" Vs. Some people who beat up a guy for blowing a whistle

Winner: The birthday guys!

@JLCT

We can't know for sure exactly how we're going to die, but some ways of going are more common than others. The National Safety Council has calculated the probability of dying from a variety of causes in this interesting graphic.

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Sure, a foot pedal lid trash can is a pretty mundane household item, but try going without it after you get used to having one. Annemarie’s Simple Human trash can jettisoned a part when she stepped on its pedal one day. It had a year left on the five-year warranty, so she called up the company. Maybe they could replace the lid?

They could. They also replaced the whole can while they were at it.

Annemarie writes:

Hi Consumerist…. Just wanted to praise Simple Human’s great customer service. 4 yrs. ago I purchased one of their step trash cans. (all their trash cans carry a 5 year warranty).

Yesterday as i went to step on the pedal of my trash can, the lid twisted and a part flew off.

I called Simple Human’s customer service line, spoke with a agent, she requested a scanned picture of the broken part, once she viewed it she told me they would replace the trash can for free. She sent me a prepaid shipping label to print and told me they would ship a new one out to me free of any charges. ($70.00 value)

Now this was a smooth transaction, no hassles from them. just honest to goodness great customer service.

Kudos to Simple Human and their great 5 year warranty.

Tired of passerby thinking your she baby is a he baby? Well, get your she baby some baby bangs so nobody will ever think she's a he again (THE HORROR).

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A landslide of thick, protein-rich yogurt sludge is falling from Upstate New York onto the rest of the country, threatening to turn every single one of our public school children into yogurt zombies with an insatiable craving for whhhhheeeeeey.

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The weather doesn't have to be the only thing heating up this month. Summer is an excellent time to recharge and rejuvenate -- and your love life should be no exception.

When the Duchess of Cambridge showed off her newborn son to the world, she also unashamedly showed off her prominent post-baby bump.

I like to imagine that every morning before she leaves the safe house this master criminal tries to explain to her crew that after this final poop job she is getting out of the poop game for good. But every morning after the heist is complete, the rush of adrenaline is too much, and she is reminded once again that she will never get out of the game, it is in her blood, and she won’t be able to relax on a beach somewhere with a couple of Mai Thais, that’s just not who she is, the siren song of the ultimate crime calls to her again. Also Bobby is kind of the worst?

Don't count Carlos Danger out of the New York mayoral race just yet. He's still a contender.

This may be the fastest re-concepting in restaurant history. [ more › ]