Kevespada

In a recent interview with Vanilla Ice, the conversation turned to the upcoming Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle reboot. Of the kind of role Vanilla Ice would like in this movie, he says: “Anything, somewhere in there. Michael Bay’s doing this one, it’s huge!” But the interview wasn’t always so sunny. Please, be warned that what you’re about to read is upsetting, and might push you over the edge of the emotional pain the human mind can comprehend and withhold, if you were already placed precariously on that particular edge. It’s rough out there. And Vanilla Ice isn’t even talking about the time Suge Knight held him outside of a balcony by his ankles in order to force him to sign away his publishing rights to “Ice, Ice Baby.” From Moviefone:

While chatting with the rapper (a.k.a Robert Van Winkle) about his new TV show, “Vanilla Ice Goes Amish,” he was ecstatic about the upcoming 2014 Michael Bay “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” project. A self-proclaimed “Ninja Turtle at heart,” when we asked him if he’d like a role or cameo in the new “TMNT” he practically jumped out of his chair.

“Hell yes! ‘Secret of the Ooze’ is the highlight of my life and I’ll never top it!”

I’m sorry, I know that the words pull your heart through your stomach until your entire being feels like it’s rushing to the core of the Earth, and you might be wondering why I shared them at all. But the fact is that you can’t ignore everything in life that seems too difficult to handle. Remember that life can be dark, but even in its darkest and most difficult moments, there are people out there who love us. Hug someone you love today. Our hearts and minds are with Vanilla Ice. (Via FilmDrunk.)

From Drinks

[Photographs: Clay Larsen]

Quick: look over both shoulders. Are the kids out of the room? Great. Then listen up: you don't have to let the kids take Halloween away from you anymore. Sure, let the little whipper snappers put on plastic masks and go begging across the neighborhood for penny taffy. You can even wear a smile while you help them do it—that'll be your own disguise.

Because once the kids are asleep, your Halloween can really begin, with these awesome (and weird) candy-infused spirits. The basic idea: take popular Halloween candy, dump 'em in a jar full of hooch, wait until it tastes great. Whereas many store-bought flavored liquors tend to taste flat or chemical-y from an overabundance of sweeteners, you can make any of these homemade booze infusions to suit your palate perfectly.

You'll need a few things to accomplish this personal feat of boozy accomplishment, but it's likely stuff you've already got laying around. First, the alcohol and candy of your choice. We have a number of combinations to recommend below, but feel free to experiment with like-minded flavors (apple and cinnamon, say, or vodka and anything). In terms of equipment, be sure to have some 16 ounce mason jars on hand, with nice tight lids. When it comes time to strain out the remaining candies at the bottom of your jar, a fine mesh strainer works well, or you can opt for a thin sheet of cheesecloth and just take your time with it. No sense in spilling your infusion all over the counter just because you couldn't wait to drink it fast enough (although that's understandable).

So go dust off your bar bottles, sneak some candy out of that plastic jack o'lantern and get to work: We've got some drinkin' to do.

Hot Tamales and Tito's Vodka

Hot Tamales are the candy for the young'un who wants more than a stick of Big Red, but can't handle the Atomic Fireballs. With fierce (emphasis theirs) cinnamon flavors and a little tongue-tickling heat, Hot Tamales have been a candy aisle staple for years and years. They recently managed to update their logo to look like some sort of super cool meteor, ready to crash sunglasses-first into your mouth.

How to infuse: Pour enough whole hot tamales into a 16-ounce mason jar to cover the bottom in a single layer—about 12 to 15 candies should do it. Add two cups of vodka and seal. Because the slightly tacky Hot Tamales exterior breaks down faster than your will to drive the damn kids all over town in search of the neighborhood that gives out full-sized candy bars, you won't have to wait long...10 hours later, your infusion should be ready.

The color you're looking for is bright hot pink. That's how you know it's working. Once you've achieved maximum glow from the jar, strain the candy dregs at the bottom. It is not recommended you use your teeth, since you'd have to drink two cups of vodka straight before the candy at the bottom got to your mouth.

Try it with: Anything slightly fruity. The thin cinnamon backbone gives enough woodiness and warmth to the infusion, so punch it up a touch with something bright and clean, like orange juice or a fizzy lemon lime soda.

Hershey's Milk Chocolate and Maker's Mark Bourbon

Of all the candies we drowned in booze, the Hershey's bars maintained their shape and relative size the longest. Ultimately, that's a good thing, since our goal was a delicate chocolaty flavor that doesn't overpower the booze.

How to infuse: Go with two of the half-ounce snack size Hershey's bars and let them steep for 24 hours in the whisky. While it may not look like much is happening, eventually those Hershey's bars will be bullied into submission, and give up that sweet, sweet chocolate flavor.

Try it with: A little fresh mint. If you've infused the chocolate correctly, you should have some seriously smooth bourbon with just a hint of darker sweetness. Muddle a few mint leaves gently in the bottom of your glass, add ice and your chocolate bourbon, then slowly sink into your leather library chair as a fire crackles nearby and your old dog brings you your slippers.

Candy Corn and Bacardi Gold

When you infuse two cups of rum with about two ounces of candy corn, it ends up being—well, it's not a great idea, but you and the Bacardi Bat have gotten into worse together. Mostly, the sweet sting of Bacardi is as present as ever, but there's a nice undercurrent of candy corn that will sit on your tongue long after you've washed the drink down.

Really, this one depends on your preferences for candy corn. If you're a fan, you might actually find this one an intriguing and fun seasonal beverage. But if you can't stand the tricolored triangles, mixing in Bacardi will be as disappointing as your kids finding out that Santa isn—wait, wrong holiday.

How to infuse: Assuming you're already OK with the idea of candy corn, load up on the candy corn in this infusion, because this one is pass or fail. Two ounces will do you. Add two cups rum on top. Let the jar rest for about 36 hours, strain away any remaining artificial flavor nubs that might be stuck to the bottom and enjoy. They should come out easily if the infusion is run through a mesh strainer.

Try it with: Some coconut milk, to really embrace the sweet sugary flavors, and a touch of Angostura bitters to help take the edge off.

Junior Mints and Lunazul Tequila

Mint, chocolate, and some 100% agave blanco tequila? What could go wrong? A lot, actually, which is why you've got to be extra careful with this infusion. The three items can work together, but it's all about the timing. If you want this stuff to turn out right, you're going to have to watch it more than your very own children.

How to infuse: Pour in a small pebble pile of Junior Mints, enough to line the bottom of your mason jar and then a few more. DO NOT cut open the Junior Mints, or you'll risk releasing an over-abundance of fake minty disaster. If you want to open one or two, go for it, but no more. Top with two cups tequila. Then, let the chocolate slowly filter off the Junior Mints until the white fleshy insides just start to be revealed. You should be safe to let this happen overnight, but don't sleep in too long or you'll end up with a big jar of spiked mint water. Check after 10 hours, and leave the jar no more than 20 hours.

If you've done your job correctly, the remaining little pods should just have some white sticking through, and they won't fall apart when you're straining them out. What's left is a thin, brown-tinged mason jar of gently minted, smoothly chocolate tequila that still carries some bright afterburn.

Try it with: Try it in iced coffee, or serve with a splash of grapefruit soda for a bitter, bubbly edge.

Werther's and Laird's Applejack

Apple and caramel are natural allies, so expect the same sort of fall flavors you'd get from a normal candy apple in this infusion. You'll get a crisp fruitiness, smooth, sweet caramel and a little depth from the alcohol at work.

No matter how long you let this mason jar sit, you're going to have some frothy stuff at the top and a pretty thick texture. Your mason jar will get syrupy, your mouth will feel lined with a sheet of sugar, and the liquid on the sides of your glass will take their time falling away back down to the bottom of the tumbler.

How to infuse: For best results, use no more than 4 Werther's hard caramel candies. Top with 2 cups applejack, and strain after 36 hours. There will be some candied pellets still stuck to the bottom of the jar. You may want to filter through a coffee filter, if you have the patience.

Try it with: A slice of actual apple and a little ginger ale to keep things light. And to thin out your drink so you don't need a spoon.

One to Avoid: Marshmallows and Novo Fogo Cachaça

No dad, cachaça is not the name of the booty dance that got Miley Cyrus in all sorts of trouble. It's fermented sugarcane juice, straight from the rustic hills of Brazil. So what better to add to the mix than marshmallows! You know, the pillowy white cylinders that are basically pure sugar anyway?

Cachaça has a lip-smacking flavor that reminds us of bananas, citrus and a little hint of salt. But the final result was so sugary and funky we have to tell you to just back away.

How to infuse: Cachaça is delicious. Marshmallow-infused cachaça is not. At all. The marshmallows disappear inside the alcohol basically instantaneously, and no matter how many marshmallows you keep dumping into the mix, they will all disappear. At first we put in five regular sized marshmallows, thinking that would get the party started. Then, after a few hours, we added a couple more. Bad move. There must be some sort of sugar vortex at work here, and the result is some funky stuff. If you do attempt this infusion, wait two days for any remaining sugars to collect at the bottom before you give it a sip. Strain through a coffee filter before sipping.

Try it with: If you must try it—for the sake of science, or something—try mixing the infusion with something heavy to even it out. Like a brick.

About the author: Farley Elliott is a writer and comedian living in Los Angeles. He writes about food, beer and entertainment at OverOverUnder.com.

The Internet is a garbage dump, but even in the most disgusting garbage dumps you can sometimes find a bit of treasure.* Why this treasure has a Peter Griffin head drawn on the white board behind it I don’t know, but it is perfect and beautiful nonetheless. Thank you, treasure! You’re the best! (Via LiveLeak.)

*Not true.

I'm starting this off with a simple fact. I'm a big TV nerd. I have an Excel spreadsheet set up by the days of the week with all the shows I watch, so I don't miss one. They get DVRd or watched live, and I never miss one that's on the list by more than a day or two. Among my favorites is the forensic crime comedy drama, Bones.

Imagine my surprise when I saw the teaser trailer for this coming Monday's episode. UFC former light heavyweight champion and current vice president of business development for the organization, Chuck Liddell will be guest starring as a suspect in the murder du jour.

During a recent mini interview advertising his stint on the show, Chuck says he'll be playing himself and remarked on his cameo that 'It's a bad idea.'

Here is a sneak peak of the episode which airs this coming Monday at 8 PM Eastern on Fox:

While the Iceman won't be using an ice pick (tragic oversight of a glorious opportunity), he will be adding another acting credit to his ever growing list, which even features the honor of having his likeness drawn into a Simpsons episode. If you're a fan of Bones and the Iceman, you won't want to miss Monday's episode.

Credit for this story goes to Mike Chiapetta of Fox Sports, original link here.

If you follow the rules (and pay producer Patrice Wilson "$2,000-$4,000"), you too can be an Ark Music Factory star. There's something always equally mind-numbing and impressively catchy about Wilson's rolling band of graduates. His newest is Alison Gold, whose "Chinese Food" features multicultural subtitles, plates full of egg rolls, and Wilson as a rapping panda bear. It will also make you question whether Ark Music Factory's big hit, Rebecca Black's "Friday," was actually "the worst." It has some new competition.

Read more posts by Lindsey Weber

Filed Under: music ,friday ,rebecca black ,ark music factory ,chinese food ,earworms ,video

There's a fascinating post over at Collectors Weekly about the first "hunk," Eugen Sandow, and the history of objectifying muscular male bodies. In 1894, when Sandow became famous, it wasn't for actually lifting things, strongman style. It was for just posing and looking fine.

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In this vintage clip, a young feminist audience member of Donahue tries to confront Playboy's Playmate of the Year Anna Nicole Smith about the exploitation of women, and during Smith's answer, somebody on stage farts—really loudly—and everyone starts laughing.

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Kayak, you are definitely the little hedgehog who could!

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June 5, 2013

This former A list tweener and now B list celebrity with A list name recognition had a fantasy fulfilled where she was pimped out by one of the most famous pimps ever. He pimped her out to someone they knew. Part of it was fantasy. She did make the guy pay though.

Miley Cryus/Snoop

First of all, gross. Mind your own business. How Coach Taylor and Tami Taylor from Friday Night Lights conduct themselves in the privacy of their own bedroom does not concern you, and should take up NONE of your dumpster thoughts. Don’t you have your own stuff to worry about? You pervert. What if you’re on a Truman Show-like TV show right now, and the audience is wondering about why they don’t get to see any of YOUR sex scenes? And now they’re jumping to conclusions about it? (PS: Did you read this?) (It’s nuts!) Second of all, Connie Britton was on Watch What Happens Live this week and gave an answer. But that doesn’t get you off of the hook for asking! From Lainey Gossip:

“In the second episode ever, they wrote us a big sex scene that opened the episode. And [Kyle Chandler] was so uncomfortable with it and it was so terrible that it was cut out of the show and we never had a sex scene again for the rest of Friday Night Lights.”

Hahaha. SO THERE’S YOUR ANSWER, PERVERTS! Just the simple fact of an actor being visibly uncomfortable enough that the type of scene was never even attempted again. What else do you freaks what to know? Why we haven’t ever gotten to see a sex scene between Homer and Marge? Why we never got to see a sex scene between the parents from Freaks and Geeks? Oh, you make me sick.

Earlier this week a rumor popped up on Reddit Los Angeles: "Is the Arclight Cinemas chain owned by Scientology?" This rumor's been going around the internet for a few years now--it seems to have started with Arclight employees complaining (in blog comment sections or to friends) about the weird training they get and the strange language the higher-ups use, but it's slowly been seeping out into the general population (there was a tiny flurry on Twitter about it around the time The Master came out). The beloved and terrific Arclight chain is owned by the Decurion Corporation, which is based just south of West Hollywood, and which also owns Pacific Theatres, developer Robertson Properties Group, Pacific Swap Meets, the Vineland Drive-In, and Mini-Pac Storage. Decurion Corporation definitely sounds like the name of a business established as a front for a cult, and its website says stuff like this: "Decurion's purpose, the fundamental reason it exists, is to provide places for people to flourish. We believe that every human being has something unique to express. We seek to create the conditions in which that expression will emerge ... We expect to create conditions for this through our work." But it has nothing to do with Scientology.

A rep for Decurion gave us this statement: "Arclight is not affiliated with Scientology in any way." And ditto for Decurion. There's also no apparent connection between any of the company's officers and the CoS. Decurion explicitly lists on its website the people who've influenced its "operating philosophy" and it's a pretty standard collection of corporate psychology types, none of whom have any obvious connection to Scientology (or to Landmark, a quasi-cult whose name has also been thrown around in all this Arclight chatter).

And if you pick apart the creepily anodyne language of the website, that's really all it is: standard, common corporate bullshit written to make workers think their bosses care about them so that they'll work harder ("Through our practices, we are pursuing what we call the dual bottom line: superior economic or financial return on the one hand and individual and collective development on the other."). It's just a semi-extreme version of the kind of "management philosophy" you'll find in a lot of companies today--walks like a cult, talks like a cult, almost definitely isn't the Church of Scientology. It might, however, in this case, be LesterCorp.
· Is the Arclight Cinemas chain owned by Scientology? [Reddit]

Looks like Walt Jr. is officially over breakfast. In the wake of the Breaking Bad finale, R.J. Mitte — the actor who played Flynn, a.k.a the most irritating, mom-hating son a meth cook could ever ask for — is making nightclub appearances.

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So says the screenwriter, anyway. "The wet shirt scene" — you know the one — "was intended to be a total full-frontal nudity scene." He doesn't know why it got changed: "Maybe they felt it would have taken too long to get him undressed. They could have always cut to him standing on the bank diving in naked so it might have been something about Colin's anxiety about love handles or something." Or maybe they remembered that they were making a Jane Austen adaptation? Anyway, it's fine. This is why porn parodies exist.

Read more posts by Amanda Dobbins

Filed Under: alternate history ,mr. darcy ,colin firth ,pride and prejudice

Peter Dinklage will star in an R-rated comedy about a man who tells people he is a true leprechaun. Screenwriter Andrew Dodge, who wrote the upcoming Jason Bateman spelling bee comedy, wrote the script, which is apparently in the vein of Bad Santa, though "wrapped around an emotional heart," according to The Hollywood Reporter. Dinklage hasn't done a ton of straight-up comedy — an ep of 30 Rock, an indie here and there — but his character Tyrion on Game of Thrones does get all the funny lines on the otherwise not-funny show.

Read more posts by Margaret Lyons

Filed Under: casting couch ,peter dinklage ,movies

Artist Elin Jonsson channels Alphonse Mucha for a series of prints inspired by the Art Nouveau illustrator's theater posters. Four ladies from Game of Thrones each get a turn in the starring role.

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Here you go: It's a Walter White obituary. Paid for by high school teacher David Layman and a few others from the "Unofficial Breaking Bad Fan Tour" Facebook group: "I’ve been a humongous Breaking Bad fan since the beginning ... putting the obit in the paper was fitting, because the series was based in Albuquerque and it provides some of us some closure," he explained to Jim Romenesko. And while spoilers are officially dead, you'll notice we did our best not to! That's not to say the entire Internet followed our lead. But imagine you're a New Mexican with a backlogged DVR and a penchant for the obituaries? Can't wait to see those upcoming Letters to the Editor.

Read more posts by Lindsey Weber

Filed Under: breaking bad ,albuquerque journal ,spoilers ,walter white

Breaking Bad's R.J. Mitte is heading to ABC Family's Switched at Birth, series creator Lizzy Weiss announced on Twitter today. According to The Hollywood Reporter, Mitte will play Campbell, "a pre-med college student paralyzed by a snowboarding accident who works at the free clinic alongside Daphne." So far we haven't seen Daphne work at a clinic, but perhaps it's a community service sentence? At the end of last season, Daphne turned herself in for blackmailing a state senator, and by the looks of it, the new season has her spending some time in juvie, so who knows. Switched at Birth comes back in January, and the first two seasons are on streaming Netflix; there is plenty of time to catch up.

Read more posts by Margaret Lyons

Filed Under: casting couch ,tv ,rj mitte ,switched at birth

Three actors have played Jack Ryan, Tom Clancy's original hero, in movie adaptations of the author's best-selling novels. Out of respect for Clancy's passing Tuesday night, at age 66, what could be more natural than a game of Fuck-Marry-Kill?

Our contestants, of course: Alec Baldwin, Harrison Ford and Ben Affleck.
Please tailor your answers to the actor as they were when they played Ryan.

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I found something to haunt your dreams and fuel your nightmares: DINOSAUR EROTICA.

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I am so sorry, but if I had to live through this, so do you.

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Candy Corn broke out of its traditional flavor set at least 10 years ago. It’s only natural, since the fondant candies known as mellocremes were capable of so much more than just being different colors for different holidays: reindeer corn and bunny corn.

But Halloween has always paid host to the more interesting varieties. Lately we’ve seen caramel apple flavors, fruits like tangerine and green apple or toffee. Some candy companies have even taken to covering them in chocolate. Brach’s has a large variety these days, my favorite from their assortment is still the Brach’s Halloween Mix, which is not candy corn but little Halloween shapes like bats, pumpkins and maple syrup jugs. They’re lightly flavored and come in cocoa, maple, banana and whatever that honey flavor candy corn is.

The Brach’s S’mores Candy Corn straddles the summer and fall line, as S’mores are often a summer camp favorite but can easily be made in the fall around a crackling fall bonfire.

If I understand the point of these correctly, it should be a chocolate base, marshmallow middle and graham cracker flavored top. I have to say that they’re pretty ugly. The base is a dusty purple and bleeds into the white center.

They smell like a cross between the reliably over-sweet Candy Corn and graham crackers. The base is vaguely cocoa, but in the most watered down and flavored fashion. The middle layer is wonderfully vacant of flavors, kind of like a marshmallow. The orange tip has a distinct cereal and cracker note to it, like a graham.

The effect is something that’s very candy corn-like in flavor, but not very convincing as a S’more. I don’t see the point, really, especially since they’re not very attractive.

S’mores Candy Corn contains gelatin, no surprise as most candy corn does and certainly marshmallows do. It’s also made in a facility that processes everything else:peanuts, tree nuts, milk and eggs plus it contains soy and sesame.

As a side note, Brach’s has changed hands quite a few times in the last decade, and this has made some of their products a bit inconsistent. The company was owned by Farley’s & Sathers most recently and they have merged with Ferrara Pan and the whole company is now called Ferrara Candy. The Candy Corn manufacturing for Brach’s was moved off to Mexico at least two years ago and I’ve heard many reports from die hard fans that it’s not the same any longer (even though the ingredients list appears the same). I agree, it doesn’t seem as smooth and consistent as it used to be and I have switched to recommending the Jelly Belly Candy Corn if you’re actually going to eat it. Brach’s is still fine for decorative purposes.

Name: S’mores Candy Corn
Brand: Brach’s (Ferrara Candy)
Place Purchased: Target (WeHo)
Price: $2.50
Size: 19 ounces
Calories per ounce: 101
Type: Fondant
Rating: 5 out of 10

Related Candies

1. M&Ms White Chocolate Candy Corn
2. Pumpkin Pie Gourmet Candy Corn
3. Toffee Flavored Chocolate Covered Candy Corn
4. Brach’s Chocolate Candy Corn & Halloween Mix
5. Milk Maid Caramel Apple Candy Corn
6. Zachary Candy Corn & Jelly Pumpkins
7. Brach’s Autumn Mix

November 25, 2011

#2 - What Twilight actor had a bunch of the movie posters cut up so they only have his picture remaining. He then uses them as the base for when people snort coke at his house. He says that he loves people snorting coke off his body.

Kellan Lutz

A recent Guinness ad has been getting a lot of kudos and I want to join in the praise.  It involves a set of guys who get together to play a pick-up game of wheelchair basketball and then join each other at a bar to celebrate the game.  Lots of people have mentioned that it’s nice to see (1) a lack of objectification of women as a form of male bonding  and (2) a nice representation of people with disabilities.  Both of those things are great in my book.

But here’s another thing I really liked: their retreat to the bar and their formation once they got there.  They sat in a circle.

Why is this neat?  Because scholars have found that male and female friendships tend to be different.  Male friendships tend to be more “shoulder-to-shoulder” than “face-to-face.”  Men are more likely to get together and do stuff: they watch football together, go out and play pool, have poker nights, etc.  Women are more likely to spend time just talking, confessing, disclosing, and being supportive of each other’s feelings.

The benefits of friendship are strongly related to self-disclosure.  And so men’s friendships — if they don’t involve actual intimacy — often don’t offer the same boost to physical and well-being as women’s friendships.  The fact that these guys sit down together at a bar, in a circle, in order to engage in some face-to-face time after their shoulder-to-shoulder time… well, that’s really nice to me.

Thanks to Rebecca H. for submitting the commercial!

Lisa Wade is a professor of sociology at Occidental College. You can follow her on Twitter and Facebook.

(View original at http://thesocietypages.org/socimages)

[Image by Flickr user rocor]

The inland Salton Sea, south of Palm Springs, is, by all accounts, a depressing place. It's California's largest lake and--thanks to its toxic water and resultant abundance of dead fish--gives off a smell that's so powerfully rancid it's been known to waft all the way to Simi Valley. Its glory days are many decades in the past, the lake is shrinking, and many of its residents have left (or, in some cases, fled). There are a few traditional tourist attractions left (the International Banana Museum!) and a state park, but if this Vice article is anything to go by, it's stock-in-trade these days is disaster tourism. Here are the most apocalypsey parts from a pretty damn apocalyptic scene:

-- "As I was leaving, I asked the fisherman if he'd caught anything. He told me, 'there's no fish here. I just do this to get my sons out of the house.'"

-- "The white beaches, it turns out, are white because they're made up of the pulverized bones of millions of dead fish. The birds probably aren't doing too well, either. Avian botulism is a persistent problem in the Salton Sea, killing off thousands of birds each year."

-- "In the 80s, it became apparent that nothing could be done about it, so officials built a dike around half of the town and just let the sea take what it wanted."

-- "Of the town that hasn't sunk into the ground, about a third of it is abandoned."

[Image via Flickr user rocor]

-- "Judging by the packaging on the food that's still in the cupboards, people bailed circa the early 90s."

-- "After driving for quite some time down a dirt road, I got to the point where my GPS said the Salton Sea History Museum should be. There was nothing there but a locked gate and a man fishing in a creek with his two sons."

-- "Grief-documenters are so commonplace in Bombay Beach that, when I bought a bottle of water from the shop down the street, the owner, immediately recognizing me as an outsider, asked, 'are you here making a documentary?'"

-- "The older of the two shops had products on display that seemed to have sat unsold for at least 20 years. There was a 'Have a Nice Cruise!' card with a picture of a boat on the front. I opened it up, and there was a dead moth crushed inside."

-- "According to the BBC, if the sea dries out (which seems pretty likely) it will unleash 'clouds of toxic dust across Southern California.' Taking a little bit of the Salton Sea to some four million people."

[Image via Flickr user Sinéad McKeown]
· I WENT TO CALIFORNIA'S POST-APOCALYPTIC BEACH TOWN [Vice]
· Salton Sea Archives [Curbed LA]

As anyone who has seen The Room can attest, the 2003 film from writer, producer, director, and actor Tommy Wiseau isn't just awful, it's hilariously awful. On Tuesday, Simon & Schuster will publish The Disaster Artist: My Life Inside The Room, the Greatest Bad Movie Ever Made, Greg Sestero's first-hand account (co-authored with Tom Bissell) of the making of the film. In the following excerpt, Sestero describes the improbably difficult task of getting Wiseau to set on the first day of shooting.

On the first day of The Room’s production it was my job to make sure Tommy got up and to the set on time. This would remain my job for the entirety of filming, during which Tommy was routinely three to four hours late. In my defense, Tommy’s interior clock is more attuned to the circadian frequencies of a bat or possum than a man. He typically goes to bed around six or seven in the morning and gets up at three or four in the afternoon. Yet he was insisting on morning shoots for The Room.

After quitting my job at French Connection, I parked my Lumina in Tommy’s driveway. I walked through his front door, which was ajar, and called his name. No answer. There was a kettle of boiling water on his stove, whistling away. I took the nearly empty kettle off and went upstairs. Tommy’s bedroom door was closed but I heard him make a few grumbly noises, one of which sounded like “Five minutes.” I went back downstairs and sat on his couch, where I found a note from him to me that said: “You will receive majority of candy (95%) when completion of production. I’m not Santa Claus.”

“Candy” was Tommy’s unusually creepy slang for money. It was typical Tommy behavior to delay revealing an agreement’s fine print until after the handshake.

After twenty minutes, I went back upstairs and knocked on his door. “Five minutes,” Tommy said again.

I realized, sitting there on his couch, that there was a pretty significant loophole in Tommy’s payment plan: What if we never completed production?

Tommy briefly appeared on the staircase, looking disheveled. “We take your car, okay?”

“Okay,” I said. “But why?”

“Because these people talk if they see my car.” He started heading back to his room.

“We’re late,” I said. “When will you be ready to go?”

“Five minutes,” he said.

Soon I was lying down on the couch. Tommy’s plan was kind of ingenious when I thought about it. How better to incentivize my in- volvement in the film? How else to convince me to wait on his couch for an hour after he told me he’d only be five minutes?

What was Tommy doing? Primping, getting dressed, getting undressed, reprimping, doing pull-ups, getting dressed, primping again, falling asleep. At one point I marched up the stairs to inform Tommy that he couldn’t be two hours late on the first day of filming his own movie. But before I could give him this blast of tough-love truth, Tommy walked out of his bedroom wearing white surgical gloves stained to the wrist with black hair dye. Tommy had actually decided to redye his hair before heading over to the set. I went back downstairs and started watching Spy Game. Tommy had hundreds of DVDs scattered all over the floor, though I’m not sure he watched many of them. By the time Spy Game was over, Tommy was ready to go. We were four hours late now — and we hadn’t even stopped at 7-Eleven for Tommy’s customary five cans of Red Bull. I think this could be deemed an inauspicious beginning.

The Room was being filmed on the Highland Avenue lot of Birns & Sawyer, which over the last five decades had become a legendary provider of cameras and equipment to mainstream Hollywood film and television productions. Birns & Sawyer’s owner, Bill Meurer, had made the unusual decision to let Tommy use the company’s parking lot and small studio space because Tommy had made the breathtakingly expensive decision to purchase, rather than rent, all his equipment. This was a million-dollar investment that not even a large Hollywood studio would dare. Camera and filmmaking technology is always improving and anything regarded as cutting-edge will be obsolete within twelve months. Tommy’s purchases included two Panasonic HD cameras, a 35mm film camera, a dozen extremely expensive lenses, and a moving truck full of Arriflex lighting equipment. With one careless gesture Tommy threw a century of prevailing film-production wisdom into the wind.

Probably the most wasteful and pointless aspect of The Room’s production was Tommy’s decision to simultaneously shoot his movie with both a 35mm film camera and a high-definition (HD) camera. In 2002, an HD and 35mm film camera cost around $250,000 combined; the lenses ran from $20,000 to $40,000 apiece. And, of course, you had to hire an entirely different crew to operate this stuff. Tommy had a mount constructed that was able to accommodate both the 35mm camera and HD camera at the same time, meaning Tommy needed two different crews and two different lighting systems on set at all times. The film veterans on set had no idea why Tommy was doing this. Tommy was doing this because he wanted to be the first filmmaker to ever do so. He never stopped to ask himself why no one else had tried.

I navigated my loud, coughing Lumina through the parked trucks and construction equipment toward Tommy’s reserved spot, which had been ostentatiously blocked off with large orange cones. Guess who put them there?

The best description I ever heard of Tommy was that he looks like one of the anonymous, Uzi-lugging goons who appeared for two seconds in a Jean-Claude Van Damme film before getting kicked off a catwalk. That’s what Tommy looked like now, sans Uzi. This particular day, he was wearing tennis shoes, black slacks, a loose and billowy dark blue dress shirt, and sunglasses, his hair secured in a ponytail by his favorite purple scrunchie. As we walked from the car to the set, he was yelling in every direction: “Why are you standing around like Statue of Liberty? You, do your job! You, move those here! And you film operators, don’t touch anything for HD. Be delicate! We need to hurry! There is no time for waste!” Everyone stared back at him with expressions that said, Are  you  fucking  kidding  me?  Tommy was ludicrously late for his own shoot and his first leadership step was to hassle the crew? It was not a hot day, but already I was sweating.

Copyright © 2013 by Greg Sestero and Tom Bissell. From the forthcoming book The Disaster Artist: My Life Inside The Room, the Greatest Bad Movie Ever Made by Greg Sestero and Tom Bissell to be published by Simon & Schuster, Inc. Printed by permission.

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Sad news from Brazil today.

26-year-old Flyweight Leandro "Feijao" Souza (1-1), a member of Nova Uniao and Delfim Cacadores, died yesterday during his weight cut for Friday's Shoot Brazil 43 card in Rio de Janeiro just before the weigh-ins. MMA Fighting's Guilherme Cruz reported the news:

"We are sad to report the death of Leandro Caetano de Souza," Shooto president Andre Pederneiras wrote on his Facebook page. "The athlete has passed away in Botafogo's UPA. We don't know the reasons why yet. We would like to express our condolences to all friends and family."

"We don't have much information yet," Feijao's teammate Andre Santos told MMAFighting.com, "but we do know that is related to his weight cut. He's my student but he also trains at Nova Uniao for about a year. I wasn't with him during this process because I have a fight scheduled in Russia, so he spent the night at Nova Uniao's gym. His sister called me saying that he had passed out so I went to the hospital, but he was already dead when I got there."

As of now no cause of death has been determined but the speculation that Souza's death was related to the rigors of cutting weight to compete at 125 pounds is inevitable. Hopefully a thorough autopsy will determine the cause of his death and if indeed it was related to dangerous weight-cutting practices that those practices will be modified for fighter safety.

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• Asian MMA Update: Shinya Aoki drops to 145 lbs at ONE FC 11, Suzuki vs. Kayoom for welterweight title at ONE FC 12
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As the leaves turn from green to fall colors, the air turns from warm to crisp, and the night sky turns from bright until late to dark pretty early, it’s important to remember that it is still very nice outside and that you should go outside! QUICK, BEFORE WINTER COMES! Sir Patrick Stewart and Sir Ian McKellen went to CONEY ISLAND today and had a HOT DOG, for goodness’ sake. Though, the fact that Sir McKellen has a sweater on and Sr Stewart has a sleeveless t-shirt on makes it is a little hard to judge the appropriateness of the summer afternoon they enjoyed. What was the temp, guys? Next time you tweet, how about tweeting the temp so we know which one of you was right about your clothing choice. C’mon, dudes, that’s just basic Twitter stuff. It looks like they’re having a wonderful day, though. A wonderful Hat Day. How’s your day? Also wonderful? Mine has been fine, thank you for asking! (Via PatrickStewart.)

Well, this is nothing short of terrifying and awful. There's a man on the loose in Southern California who makes it a habit of using his "friendly face" to walk into the back of day spas and massage parlors and viciously assault the employees.

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