allie

Last night, American Horror Story: Coven paid wonderful tribute to Stevie Nicks, or "the White Witch," as Lily Rabe's Misty Day called her. "Is that Stevie Nicks from American Idol?" asks young Zoe Benson, before getting the lesson of a lifetime.

Read more posts by Lindsey Weber

Filed Under: american horror story ,stevie nicks ,lily rabe ,tv ,the white witch

Mild to moderate telekinesis

Occasional skin leakage

Shadow loss

Pearls or roses falling from mouth during speech

Reverse fingernails

Occasional resistance to thermodynamics

Breasts disappear

Precognition (for restaurant lunch specials only)

Total memory loss

Lung fossilization

Sudden-Onset Unexplained Eye Syndrome

Dawn terrors

Partial memory loss

Sound allergy

Total memory awareness

Muscle wandering

Constant involuntary daytime hissing

Occasional transfiguration into swan

Sudden quarrel with bees

Hag-fires

Total authority over the coming harvest

Inability to urinate

Mood removal

Neck migration

Unexplained gold

Permanent Tetris Effect

Phantom honesty

Periodic continent disappearance

Hearing but not seeing witches

Permanent dreams

Total ancestor loss

Living sphinx appears in garden

Increased air of maddening mystery

Sudden appearance of a graceful, mouthless lady’s companion

Uterus whirpool

Blood enlargement

Peaceful hands

Irreversible involuntary silence

Suspicious of trees

Unable to touch eggs without breaking them

Full-body hallucinations

Anger-induced earthquakes

Loss of ability to speak to birds

Back ecstasy

Some sleep-induced levitation

Reversible Death Syndrome

No longer needing to eat or drink; capable of living on light alone

Spiders suddenly understand and obey your commands

Spontaneous name change

Hundred-year coma

Begin speaking only in riddles

Minor haunting

Night resentment

Persistent hepatomancy

Inability to sing

Smiles that draw blood

[Image via Wikimedia Commons]

The post Early Signs of Pregnancy appeared first on The Toast.

nope nope nope nope nope

Richard Belzer is leaving Law & Order: SVU, which means poor Olivia Benson is down yet another excellent co-worker. Sergeant Munch announced his retirement on last night's episode, and next week's episode will include his retirement party. (Plus the requisite amount of rapist-catching, obviously. This isn't Law & Order: Retirement Parties.) According to HuffPo, Belzer will continue to recur on episodes here and there — and thank God, since John Munch has been on TV in one way or another since Homicide: Life on the Street's debut in 1993.

Read more posts by Margaret Lyons

Filed Under: exits ,richard belzer ,law & order svu ,tv

For a while I’ve been wanting to get an around-the-wrist tattoo, but haven’t quite been able to come up with the exactly right execution. Then the other day, Tribeca Mom says “You should get a Liberty print tattoo,” and I’m all like, “Oh My God, I totally should.”

And so I did.

I want a maxidress so big that it can hold all the regrets of my ancestors.

I want a maxidress that hides all of my flaws until no one left living in this world remembers the lies I told about her, or the way I convinced all of our friends, and eventually myself, that I had been the injured party and she the monster. It’s been so long now that I wouldn’t know how to find her and beg for her forgiveness until my mouth became comfortable with the shape of truth again; there’s no one left to make amends to.

I want a maxidress that covers a multitude of sins, even murder. Especially a murder.

I want a maxidress I can wear in all kinds of weather, no matter who else is lost to us in the storm.

I want a maxidress so full and flowing that even the river naiads, who are notoriously difficult to impress, mistake me for a roaring waterfall.

I want a maxidress that looks forgiving on everyone, so I can do something in the moments before I fall asleep besides carefully replaying every instance in my life where I’ve been wronged.

I want a maxidress so comfortable that I never wake up, or even want to.

[Image via Flickr]

The post I Want A Maxidress So Big appeared first on The Toast.

Things are already getting out of hand…

Reddit

The Heart Wears a T-Shirt in the Pool

The Heart Needs to Ask the Receptionist for a Tampon

The Heart Has Gas Pains

The Heart Plays Clarinet

The Heart Lies About Its Height on OkCupid

The Heart Always Has Pit Stains

The Hearts Upper Lip Gets Stuck to Its Dry Teeth When it Smiles

The Heart’s Leggings Have a Hole in the Crotch

The Heart Only Pretends to Read the New Yorker Fiction

The Heart’s Yogurt Exploded in Its Purse

The Heart Had an Allergic Reaction to Nair

The Heart Poses With Its Tongue Out When It’s Drunk

The Heart is Worried That the Dry Shampoo Isn’t Fooling Anyone

The Heart’s Glasses are Always Crooked

The Heart Gets Red Wine Teeth

The Heart Can’t Tell if it Has Bad Reception or People Just Aren’t Texting it Back

The Heart Struggles to Maintain Critical Distance

The Heart Grinds Its Teeth at Night

The Heart Tucked Its Skirt Into Its Tights

The Heart Got Scolded By Its Manicurist

The Heart Can’t Get Anyone to Join Its Carson McCullers Book Club

1. He's naked, eating like six different clementines on our bed with a bottle of Grey Goose in one hand and a spliff in the other hand and it's only Wednesday, Drake. Wednesday.

2. This is the 13th mention of his ascent to musical and pop cultural relevance in the past 45 minutes and we're supposed to be paying attention to this film strip because there's a quiz next week.

3. He's literally unfurling a bulletproof condom on his penis as we're trying to have a normal conversation with him.

4. He's poisoned the watering hole.

5. He keeps offering to let us move into his compound when all we're trying to do is ask him to please step to the right of the escalator if he wishes to ride it rather than walk down it.

6. He keeps pointing at random sundries in the bodega and saying, "Guess whose it is?", or at stray cats and saying, "Guess whose it is?", or at flowering window boxes and saying, "Guess whose it is?", or at thin air when a Bon Iver song is playing and saying, "Guess whose it is?", and so on. Forever.

7. You're his physician, and he keeps calling you to say that his erection is setting off metal detectors, and you know that's simply not so.

8. He has unzipped his Drake suit and revealed, to the horror of all bystanders at the Food Bazaar supermarket, that underneath he is simply a stack of seven clucking hens, their downy white feathers stained with blood, their eyes gray with imminent death.

Lauren Rodrigue is a copywriter in New York. She has a blog called Lauren Spends Money. 

After Brit Brit shot the video for “Work Bitch“ commercial for her Planet Hollywood show she had to lie in a plastic kiddie pool full of pork-rind flavored Ben-Gay as her rent-to-own-piece Normal Guy Dave massaged her lower body with fried chicken grease, because she actually bent her knees and did more than just wave her arms around and chew on a piece of lard-flavored gum. Yes, the CGI sharks (I’m glad they got work after Sharknado) moved faster than she did, but still. And this mess of a song will never stop reminding me of this:

Nobody asks me if I want an overpriced luxury sportscar the way that Anna Nicole asks me if I want an overpriced sportscar.

From Swedish artist Beatrice Lorén, here's Snow White, Cinderella, Aurora, Ariel and Belle. After the jump: Jasmine (my favorite look, probably), Pocahontas, Mulan, Tiana, Rapunzel and Merida. 

Images courtesy of Beatrice Lorén.

The best part of the Emmys is going to be tomorrow’s HSOTD, but here’s the second best part of this shit. A dude who I thought was an even skinnier Jonah Hill stole the spotlight from Neil Patrick Harris when he got caught in a shot and smoothly side-stepped out of the shot. This is some graceful and smooth shit. I’m surprised he didn’t try to disappear into the background. Vulture says that the ultra smooth side stepper is Paul Greenberg of Reno 911. Most of me knows that this was some STUNT QUEEN shit that was planned by producers and a little part of me hopes this was a real and authentic awkward moment. Whatever the case may be, this moment should still win Best Choreography at next year’s Emmys. At least half of the Kartrashians fainted on the floor at the sight of someone actually trying to get away from the camera.

Gawker has the video of this perfect awkward moment.

Spotted backstage at a resort in St. Petersburg, Florida — drama! 

Or, as RuPaul put it:

related: Stripper Problems

erikkwakkel:

appendixjournal:

Creepy/cute skeletons from 1605.

Lost on the page

Lovely skeletons that seem lost on the page: where is the exit again? One of many enjoyable (though seriously-meant) images from an anatomical handbook printed in Frankfurt in 1605. The 131 illustrations in the book were ripped from publications of well-known contemporary scholars.

More information here and here.

aw look at these guys

The Electric Lady, the title of Janelle Monáe’s second album, at once captures the X factor of the Atlanta singer: her charismatic presence, her inimitable style, her wild talent. Although her debut, 2010’s The ArchAndroid, was a critical slam dunk (and won her a Grammy nod), that success wasn’t matched in sales. It moved only 186,000 copies. Monáe’s big break, commercially, came a year later with a guest spot on fun.’s runaway hit “We Are Young.” Since then, she’s won the admiration of fellow overachievers such as Prince, Erykah Badu, Miguel — all of whom appear on The Electric Lady. Impressed and envious, Vulture spoke with Monáe about her amazing coterie of collaborators and hanging out at Skywalker Ranch with her fan George Lucas.

How did you manage to get Prince on your album?
I’m kind of pinching myself: It’s real. Prince has been a fan of mine since I released Metropolis [her 2007 EP], and he invited me to go out on tour with him. We’ve been really good friends for a while, and he’s been like a mentor to me. It’s really organic for us to work together. I can’t get into details about what that experience was like — I’d want to talk about that down the road. But I will say he was very interesting, full of ideas, and I’m just grateful that he trusted me to guide him in the song [“Givin Em What They Love”]. It was one of the most amazing experiences I’ve had collaborating with an artist.

Did you see he recently tweeted at you?
Yeah, he tweeted about The Electric Lady album artwork. I don’t even think he’s even on Twitter anymore. But yeah, it was very hilarious having him on there. [Editor's note: He's still there.]

Your contemporaries, Miguel and Solange Knowles, also appear on Electric Lady. Do you see them as kindred spirits, switching up what R&B means?
At first, Miguel and I had a mutual respect and love for one another as artists. I had read that he wanted to work with me for quite some time. Miguel is an incredible producer, too: He did the music [for his album Kaleidoscope Dream] and wrote it and everything. Once I knew that, I was just really impressed. I think where we both want to go with R&B music is not marginalize it, not place limitations on it. Diversify the genre up. Same with Solange.

How did you meet her?
I met her at the BET Awards, and we exchanged information. I told her I was a fan of hers. She was a fan of mine. We [connected] pretty immediately. Then my director Al Ferguson, who directed “Many Moons” [her 2008 single], started dating Solange. She’s like family now. We do a lot of work together. There’s just something very special about her.

How does Electric Lady evolve on the theme of futurism in The ArchAndroid?
Well, The Electric Lady is kind of a prequel, because it’s more about the love affair between a human and an android [Cindi Mayweather, Monáe’s alterego]. So we think about the ups and downs of that relationship. And how they have to fight for their love and being torn apart. Love, politics, sexuality, religion — these are all things Cindi’s speaking about. She really did help write those songs. So it’s kind of like a prequel of the story of Metropolis, before she became the ArchAndroid.

What inspired you to write a song about the late female astronaut Sally Ride?
It was paying homage to her and so many other women who have been marginalized. She became an astronaut during a time when they were not allowing women in space. Sally Ride did something remarkable in an industry that really discriminated against women.

What works of science fiction most inspire you?
I love Octavia Butler — she was an African-American science-fiction writer. Also, I’m really inspired, of course, by Metropolis; [Fritz Lang is] the godfather of all science-fiction films. And George Lucas films. When I was little, I had a deep affection for science fiction. I grew up around my grandmother, and that’s where all of my ideas behind science-fiction developed. She and I would always watch Star Trek. As I got older, I started to get into Blade Runner and Ridley Scott movies, The Matrix. I think science fiction is a great way to talk about current issues and the future. There are limitless possibilities, you know? You really get to use your imagination, and you can challenge ideas.

I read you went to George Lucas’s wedding.
Yes, I did. Music is the universal language. They [Lucas and now-wife Mellody Hobson] were big fans of mine. His wife actually saw me perform once with the Chicago Symphony Orchestra. I filled in for Aretha Franklin. Mellody was in the audience. George Lucas didn’t even know that I was coming to the wedding. When I got there, he was telling me how he’s a fan. He knew about Metropolis and The ArchAndroid. I also got to meet Steven Spielberg, who was there. Talking to both of them was incredible. They really influenced my mind — put ideas in it.

Who would’ve thought your childhood love of sci-fi would culminate into that day?
Yeah! Somebody’s watching out for me. I’m very humbled. I never would’ve been able to plan this out: “Hey, you’re going to go to the Skywalker Ranch and perform for George Lucas.” I would have never thought that was going to happen.

How did dealing with your father’s substance-abuse issues as a kid shape you into the person you are today?
Well, first, my father is clean. He’s sober. He had hard time. I was able to see firsthand what drugs do. I learned a lot from my dad. I learned how to be resilient, how to not hold on to the past. He’s so much better, and I’m so proud of him: where’s he’s been, where he comes from, and where he is now. And it also made me want to write music. I was really inspired by the highs and lows of life. In this industry, there’s so many highs and lows. So I have to remain balanced, with my head held high.

You’ve mentioned that you wear suits in homage to your dad and your mom — and anyone else who’s had to wear a uniform to work. Who are your go-to designers to achieve that look?
I like designers where I can find myself in there, in their collection. Like Chanel — I can always find amazing fabrics. I enjoy Karl Lagerfeld. I enjoy Ralph Lauren — he’s a great American designer. I find a lot in their designs.

Have you considered starting your own line?
I’ve thought about it. I look at my uniform as art with a message, paying homage to the working class. It’s walking minimalism art. I keep a dash of color on my nails or on my lips.

Did you ever go through some mortifying fashion phases?
Of course, but I’m not really embarrassed. But more like, “Wow, I can’t believe that was me, and I wore my hair like that.” If I love something, I will wear it out. This uniform — it’s transcendent, classic, never goes out of style.

Read more posts by Nisha Gopalan

Filed Under: janelle monae ,chat room ,interview ,people ,music ,the electric lady

1. Because someone that size is likely to react violently

2. Because if you do not locate and recover the precious stones, the kidnappers will certainly not release your pet ermine

3. Because you are a rather fabulous storyteller, and frequent lying only helps to improve your craft

4. Because not everyone shares your taste in facial hair

5. Because the third day of hiking Mount Everest is not the time nor place for honesty

6. Because you’ve already lost the one ear

7. Because the wedding is tomorrow, for heaven’s sakes

8. Because being in a body cast is difficult enough

Cue Kathleen C.: “Near the end of our Galapagos Islands trip, we went to a beach where legend has it, a giant colony of Blorp Pillows resides. We added some artistry to the scene & built a big old sand sculpture. Wouldn’t you know it, a sea lion comes floppin’ over and decides to have a nap. On our sculpture.“

“Here is the colony. We R not kidding. All the way up and down the beach, the Blorp Pillows were “just lion around.” Our ears were ringing with Ork, Ork, Ork, but it was so worth it.”

“The main port was awash with sea lions. This one was stealing freshly-caught fish right off the market counter with a “Humph” on its face.”

“These two pups were rolling all up and down the beach, playing with each other. We saw plenty of wildlife but the sea lions were the best.”

This story was originally published in 2013.

Someday, if you have even just a touch of funk in your soul, the universe will conspire to give you an opportunity to see Prince live in concert. Rest assured, it will happen. Do not let that opportunity pass you by. No matter the cost, no matter the inconvenience, no matter if you're too traumatized by a twerking Miley Cyrus at the VMAs to move, no matter if you've just heard about the concert and it's happening in ten minutes, no matter if you only know that Prince's band, New Power Generation, is playing and there's only a slight chance that the man himself might show up — get your ass there. This is a public service announcement.

And I say this as someone who's missed out on seeing Prince three times so far. Back when I was running this magazine's party reporting operation, in October 2008, I got an invite to a party for Prince's new book, 21 Nights, but for some dumb reason felt too frazzled to go and sent a reporter. Prince played back to back shows (at least an hour and a half each) on the rooftop of the Gansevoort Hotel. The reporter, Bennett Marcus, who has seen a lot in his time, still calls it one of the best things he's ever attended. I count it among my deepest regrets. And then just this past Thursday, at 11:30pm, I got a blast email from City Winery announcing that Prince would be reuniting with NPG at midnight — as in half an hour from then. I was on a date in Brooklyn, and by the time he got back from the bathroom and I asked him if he wanted to go, the concert was already sold out. It was, by all reports, amazing-cakes. So when I found out that Prince might return to play NPG's sixth and final show of their weeklong residency at the tiny venue last night (capacity: 500), I knew there were only two paths: Get there by any means necessary or yet again be filled with deep, aching regret. The choice was clear.

The line at midnight stretched a block down as City Winery staffers warned that NPG had their own security team in addition to the venue's, and that both details would be confiscating the phones of any patrons caught taking a photo and then throw them out. (And impressively, many intrepid souls ignored the warning.) The band, which has an 11-piece brass section and badass ladies on keys (Cassandra O'Neal) and vocals (Shelby J. and Liv Warfield), went on at around 1am, playing their own songs. The show would have been great even if Prince hadn't come and destroyed.

"We ain't got no curfew tonight!" Shelby J. told the crowd. "We're gonna party till the sun comes up!" We had no idea what we were in for, though. Alice Smith guested brilliantly, and briefly, as did Luke James. Cee Lo Green, possibly wearing pajamas or a bathrobe, who made time in a busy night of playing the VMAs and Brooklyn Bowl, stepped in to perform Prince and Sheena Easton's 1987 hit "U Got The Look." Doug E. Fresh stepped up to teach us how to Dougie in various scenarios, as if he were also jumping rope, for instance. He also did roughly a minute straight of vocal drum machine virtuosity, counting down the measures on his fingers, and then performed "The Show" and "La Di Da Di," and did a really fun clinic on rhyming where we filled in the words (Fresh: "Five plus five equals …" Audience: "TEN!" Fresh: "Japanese money's called …" Audience: "YEN!"). And then. And THEN. Out came Sly and the Family Stone's Larry Graham in a white suit and wide-brim white hat with a sparkling silver shoulder strap for his white bass. There was some ""Everyday People" and "Higher" and "Dance to the Music" and "Thank You (Falettinme Be Mice Elf Again)" bleeding into "Thank You for Talkin' To Me, Africa" and a few more songs I can't remember because I was apoplectic with joy at that point.

Finally at 3:14am, Prince came onstage, rocking a huge, tilted black hat and shades, introed by Donna Grantis and Ida Nilsen of his new femme-power backing band, 3rd Eye Girl, both wailing on guitar like, "Yeah, we play guitar for Prince, NBD." He launched into "Strays of the World," then moved seamlessly into a medley including Chaka Khan's "Ain't No Body" and Mary J. Blige's "Family Affair." The hat came off, revealing Prince's glorious curls, as did the coat, revealing a sleeveless black mock turtleneck and gold chains. "Superconductor," "1999," shit was crazy, a specially modified version of "All the Critics Love U in New York" ("New York ain't got no rhythm…", he improvised, like a challenge, it seemed). During every instrumental, Prince was there, holding or adjusting the mike for each saxophonist or horn player, dancing and clapping his hands in appreciation. "Turn up the horns!" he'd shout, or command that the lights be turned on so he could see the crowd, or completely off for "Dark." "I'm really tired of people pleasing," he said before launching into "People Pleaser." He took us to church, and at one point did a Prince faint, with the entire band rushing over to pretend-revive him. Old collaborator Tamar Davis joined him on "Nothing Compares 2 You" at 4:14am, an hour into a set that seemed nowhere close to ending. The entire brass band came center stage for "Courtin' Time," and then Larry Graham came out for "Get on the Boat," the supposed end of the set. Prince told the crowd to "support real music," and walked off stage. (Check out this complete set list from a French website and this one from Brooklyn Vegan; Questlove also did a Twitter blow by blow.)

But yeah, this was no curfew night and Prince was only getting started. "You gotta go to work tomorrow, but this is my job. This" — the stage — "is where I work," he said, before promising that "This turnaround is gonna be so hot you're gonna think it's an act of God," and started playing "Act of God." There was a cover of Janet Jackson's "What Have You Done For Me Lately" and Jackson 5's "Dancing Machine." He left the stage again, only to start Encore #2 with a nine-minute solo piano medley at 4:50am ("Diamonds & Pearls" "Dorothy Parker" "Do Me Baby"). "How many of you know about the group the Time?" he asked, playing his '80s side group's amazing hit "Cool." ("Ceeee-Oh-Oh-Lllll" "Are you hot?" "No." "Do you know why?" "Yeah" "Because you're cool.") Doug E. Fresh came back out, and Prince broke out his guitar. They blazed and left the stage, only to come back for Encore #3 at 5:15am, joined by Larry Graham for a long blues jam sesh, finishing out with "Take Me With U," "Raspberry Beret" and "Plectrum Electrum." The crowd roared for more, and the band and Prince seemed like they could keep going till next Tuesday. But at 5:37am, the lights came up for good. All told, those horn players had been blowing their hearts out and dancing for five hours straight.

Together, we all stumbled back out onto Varick Street, where the sky was turning grey in the pre-dawn. I slept on my friend's office floor, got some coffee, and went straight into the office. Some lucky dudes got to see Prince wandering around Tribeca as the sun came up. No regrets ever again.

From Sweets

Photograph: Stephanie Bourgeois

Earlier this summer an acquaintance of mine asked, "Can I go one day without hearing the word cronut?" The croissant-doughnut hybrid created by Dominique Ansel has become so popular that its name has become common parlance. There's no denying that we're obsessed with this croissant and doughnut love child.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I bring you the latest in dessert mash-ups—a Crookie ($2.75). What is a crookie? It's a croissant stuffed with Oreo cookies from my local Toronto bakery Clafouti. Hoda and Kathy-Lee ate them on the Today show. Perez Hilton wrote about them. You may have seen them on Good Morning America or read about them in Time. It's not often that a Toronto treat gets this kind of buzz. Personally, I'm not sure whether to cringe or rejoice. If there is such thing as hubris against pastry gods, one has to wonder if perhaps we've gone too far.

The Crookie was invented when local publication The Grid challenged five pastry chefs to come up with their own hybrid desserts. Clafouti owner Olivier Jansen-Reynaud mashed together his well-loved croissants with Double-Stuff Oreos. The Crookies went on sale in late June and have been gaining in popularity ever since. The internet would lead you to believe that it's just as crazy as at Dominique Ansel Bakery. The Crookies do occasionally sell-out, but it's nowhere near the level of madness on Spring St. One my last trip to Clafouti there were just two people ahead of me in line and there was no limit on the number of Crookies I could purchase. No one was scalping anything and there were no fist fights breaking out—just a regular day on Queen West.

The Crookie itself is a plump rectangular pastry with croissant dough folded around broken Oreos into a package garnished with a half Oreo. The croissant is buttery and flaky, though it is not crispy enough to shatter. It is jam-packed with Oreos and every bite has layers of chocolate cookie and icing filling. The texture of the Oreos is slightly softer than usual, somewhat like fried Oreos. The Crookie tastes like Oreos, just with the added bonus of buttery croissant decadence. In short, it's like eating an Oreo sandwich.

So is the Crookie an innovation or monstrosity? The calorie-laden snack is surprisingly tasty. Jansen-Reynaud has clearly taken the time to make sure that his insane idea actually looks and tastes good. The croissant-to-Oreo ratio is pleasant. The level of sweetness is not cloying. The textures are enjoyable. While not for everyday, it's indulgent and playful. Still, I'm not sure the Crookie is an improvement on either the croissant or the Oreo. While there is something interesting in the spectacle of classic French pastry blended with classic junk food, mixing them together does not equal more than the sum of the parts. The Crookie is dangerously close to crimes against the pastry arts, but as long as it tastes decent, I'll let them off with a warning.

Clafouti Patisserie & Café

915 Queen Street West, Toronto, ON M6J 1G5 (map)
(416) 603-1935

About the author: Stephanie Bourgeois is a recipe tester and writer based in Toronto, Canada. Follow her on Twitter @biffbourgeois.

From: TheBigD@diablolordofhell.com
To: aaron@aaronandsonscontracting.com
Subject: HALLS OF AGONY

I AM DIABLO, LORD OF TERROR, DESTROYER OF SOULS, THE FIRST AMONG THE EVILS OF HELL. ONE WEEK AGO, A HERO STRODE THROUGH MY HALLS OF AGONY, DESTROYING MY RACKS, AND IRON MAIDENS, AND UNCOMFORTABLE CHAIRS, AND PICNIC TABLES, AND OTHER KINDS OF RACKS. I WISH TO SEE THE HALLS OF AGONY RESTORED SO ONCE AGAIN MY MINIONS MAY REND THE FLESH OF THE INNOCENT AND BREAK THE BONES OF MY ENEMIES.

DIABLO, LORD OF TERROR

From: aaron@aaronandsonscontracting.com
To: TheBigD@diablolordofhell.com
Subject: re: HALLS OF AGONY

Hello there,

Thanks for contacting Aaron and Sons Contracting, a licensed general contracting company approved by the Better Business Bureau.

Can you be a little more specific about the scope of this job? Or otherwise I can send Douglas over later this week to take a look and give you a formal estimate.

Thank you,

Aaron Andersen
Aaron and Sons Contracting

From: TheBigD@diablolordofhell.com
To: aaron@aaronandsonscontracting.com
Subject: re: re: HALLS OF AGONY

ALL THE RACKS ARE BROKEN. MOST OF THE IRON MAIDENS. LOTS OF METAL GRATES THAT HELD HOT COALS. EACH OF THE HALLS OF AGONY NEEDS AT LEAST THREE PICNIC TABLES SO THAT BREAK TIME CAN HAPPEN.

ALSO, I WOULD LIKE SOME MORE CRATES OR BOXES OR SOME OTHER STORAGE THAT IS CONVENIENT AND ATTRACTIVE, MOST OF THAT WAS ALSO BROKEN.

DIABLO, LORD OF TERROR

PS: I WAS REFERRED TO YOU BY ANGIES LIST AND WOULD LIKE MY 5% DISCOUNT.

From: aaron@aaronandsonscontracting.com
To: TheBigD@diablolordofhell.com
Subject: re: re: re: HALLS OF AGONY

Diablo,

I think it’ll be easier if Doug just swings by and takes a look at the job, then we can give you a clean estimate that takes everything into account. Will you or an employee be around this Thursday morning sometime between 8 and 10am?

Aaron

From: TheBigD@diablolordofhell.com
To: aaron@aaronandsonscontracting.com
Subject: re: re: re: re: HALLS OF AGONY

YES, AN EMPLOYEE. HE IS NAMED BORGOZ, CRIPPLER OF PRINCES AND HE IS A GIANT GLOWING YELLOW BAT THAT EMITS A LETHAL ELECTRICAL CHARGE. INSTRUCT DOUGLAS TO RING THE SECOND BUZZER, THAT SHOULD GET THROUGH TO HIM, OTHERWISE YOU CAN CALL MY CELL AT 612.666.6666 AND I WILL TRACK HIM DOWN.

I WANT TO SEE THE ESTIMATE BEFORE ANY WORK STARTS, THOUGH. BORGOZ WILL BE ABLE TO SHOW YOUR MINION AROUND, HOWEVER AND HELP HIM GET STARTED ON PLANNING THE PROJECT.

From: aaron@aaronandsonscontracting.com
To: TheBigD@diablolordofhell.com
Subject: re: re: re: re: re: HALLS OF AGONY

OK! Douglas is back, it sounds like you’ve got quite a place over there. I’ve attached a proposal that outlines the work we’d do, the schedule for completion, our fees, and so forth, we hope you’ll consider us for the job.

Douglas mentioned that he found significant structural damage in the second Hall of Agony, and recommends strongly that we rebuild some of the foundation in order to prevent future damage or even a possible collapse.

You’ll note the Angie’s List 5 percent discount at the end of the proposal!

Aaron

From: TheBigD@diablolordofhell.com
To: aaron@aaronandsonscontracting.com
Subject: re: re: re: re: re: re: HALLS OF AGONY

THIS PROPOSAL IS OUTRAGEOUS. WHO DO YOU TAKE ME FOR, SHITBRAINABLO, LORD OF JUST FALLING OFF THE TURNIP TRUCK? AT $850 AN IRON MAIDEN I MIGHT AS WELL BUY RETAIL AT MENARDS. AND MY PEOPLE HAVE BEEN FLAYING HIDES AND DISLOCATING JAWS AND SO FORTH IN THE SECOND HALL OF AGONY SINCE TIME IMMEMORIAL, AND NOBODY’S EVER MENTIONED ANY STRUCTURAL DAMAGE.

From: TheBigD@diablolordofhell.com
To: aaron@aaronandsonscontracting.com
Subject: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: HALLS OF AGONY

I NOTICE THAT IT HAS BEEN SEVERAL DAYS SINCE YOU LAST RESPONDED TO MY EMAIL, AND I REALIZE THAT I MAY HAVE BEEN OVERLY HARSH REGARDING YOUR PROPOSED CONTRACT. HOW ABOUT WE KNOCK 10 PERCENT OFF THE TOP AND CALL IT A DEAL?

YOUR FRIEND IN UNHOLY TERROR,

DIABLO

From: TheBigD@diablolordofhell.com
To: aaron@aaronandsonscontracting.com
Subject: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: HALLS OF AGONY

5 PERCENT?

From: aaron@aaronandsonscontracting.com
To: TheBigD@diablolordofhell.com
Subject: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: HALLS OF AGONY

I think we can do another 5 percent.

We’ll have our guys over next Monday. And if you can have your people clean up all the skulls and blood before we get there, that’d be great.

From: TheBigD@diablolordofhell.com
To: aaron@aaronandsonscontracting.com
Subject: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: HALLS OF AGONY

FINE, WE’LL CLEAN UP THE SKULLS.

Hairpin reader and programmer extraordinaire Lauren Hallden's created a lorem ipsum-style text generator with dating profiles as the source of the word soup. Plug in the length you need (4 paragraphs, for example), and you'll get:

Glass half-full using my farmshare jazz cafes local sports teams. Netflix my eyes Woody Allen if you think we have something in common stepping outside your comfort zone, if you're still reading this medical school happy hour too many to list tattoos. I'm just a regular guy video games I enjoy making lasagna from scratch pickles fascinates me.

Myers-Briggs is pretty awesome On The Road making people laugh. If you're still reading this open-minded I'm a big fan of Woody Allen someone who shares my sense of humor, recently moved back my beard passionate about chilling at a bar with friends grilling. I'm a big fan of sushi grab coffee or a drink my goofy smile I'm not good at filling out these things Neutral Milk Hotel.

Game of Thrones Game of Thrones food Indian food. Family is very important to me vinyl records I'm a big fan of my beard grilling, Neutral Milk Hotel video games introvert exploring the city Game of Thrones. What to order off of the menu I'm not good at filling out these things honest and direct extrovert making people laugh making lasagna from scratch.

Family is very important to me Vampire Weekend just looking to have some fun if you like my profile. Ethiopian I'm a big fan of really hoppy beers The Daily Show only looking for something casual, Netflix Indian food it depends on the night local sports teams tattoos. Trying different restaurants beach days if you think we have something in common Portlandia happy hour glass half-full.

I'm a big fan of sushi grab coffee or a drink my goofy smile I'm not good at filling out these things Neutral Milk Hotel. This is brilliant. Splice a couple grafs and submit them to your poetry workshop, crib a few lines if you're looking to regress your own OKCupid profile down to the mean, or forget about online dating altogether and just get direct with your whale watcher of choice.

[Online Dating Ipsum]

Every woman fondly remembers the moment she first realized that, like it or not, “the way Kids in the Hall cast members look in drag” was going to be a deep and integral component of her sexual identity. For me it was the summer I turned eleven, and also every day since then, with the occasional Thursday off. Let us now rank the relative attractiveness of several prominent British and Canadian sketch comedians in drag, for we are young and the world is ours.

Please note that this list is entirely complete, and also correct. There is no margin of error. Everything is as it should be.

Unranked. Graham Chapman and John Cleese, Mrs. Premise and Mrs. Conclusion

Awarded no points. They are not trying. These tired, waspish pepperpots are an insult to drag, and they are not even wearing hose.

10. Terry Jones in Finishing Sentences

She’s plain, there are no two ways around it, but there is an animation and a luminous quality to her expression that makes her quietly attractive.

9. Kevin McDonald in Secretaries

The hair and the limp ascot are very of-their-era, but the eyes are lovely.

8. Stephen Fry in Tahitian Kitchen

Alternately soothing and terrifying, compelling yet menacing. You look away, then wish you had not. The kind of face that drifts unbidden across the transom of your lightly buzzing mind in the moments before sleep.

7. Scott Thompson as Francesca Fiore

More vampy than is strictly necessary, but knows what to do with red lipstick and a few simple, stark accessories.

6. Eric Idle in Reenacting Pearl Harbor

A surprisingly seductive wryness. Very nearly enchanting.

5. Hugh Laurie as Blonde Woman

It’s the wig. Hugh Laurie rarely looks this good as a woman, but this particular wig suits him enormously. Her face is wistful and vulnerable in turn, with none of the sharp edges that plagued so many of his other female characters.

4. Bruce McCulloch as Tammy

Like a peach, this one.

3. Dave Foley, anytime

Nothing more needs to be said on this point. Consistent excellence in the field of looking like Isabella Rossellini.

2. Noel Fielding as Vince’s brain receptionist

“They call me the great confuser. Is he a man? Is he a woman? Ooh, I’m not sure I mind.” The hair a bit Far Side-ish, but that’s a minor quibble. Gleefully, unrepentantly tacky, and not a little bit suggestive, either.

1. Mark McKinney in Hotel La Rut

Undeniable.

The post Male Comedians’ Relative Attractiveness in Drag, Ranked appeared first on The Toast.